Just existing

Hi. Its me again. Sorry if this turns out to be a long post
Im feeling quilty for having these feelings when there is sooooo much suffering in the world now. However I am going to see if there is a local collection point for the refugees as I can't help thinking how awful life is for them now and I want to do something to help even if little.

I'm not doing too well at the moment. I am almost at the end of my CBT. Already had 12 sessions and have 3 left. We have been exploring self esteem which is really low for me. I've written down some thoughts to hopefully share at my next session. Although it is helping me find the positive qualities in my life, I just don't feel that it is helping me to feel any better about myself. I know that I an a kind a caring person. I know that I will go out of my way to help people and make people feel better if I can. I know this because I have been volunteering for over 10 years with people with learning and physical disabilities and I have gained so much from this. I will always try to make sure my family are happy and cared for etc. However I am forgetting about myself. I am not making myself happy. I feel miserable. CBT has not yet helped me to like myself which is what I want to bring up at the session. Physically I feel repulsed by myself. I know that sounds harsh but it's how I feel. I'm in daily pain suffering from chronic migraines, headaches, TMJD, neck and shoulder pain and currently investigating if I have atypical trigeminal neuralgia. Over the years I've tried so many different medications and at the moment every time I take them I ask myself what is the point because they are not making myself feel any better. I'm currently on duloxetine 90mg, nortriptyline 60mg, metoprolol 100mg and carbamazine 200mg, symbicort 400mg and salbutamol when needed. I take strongest cocodamol twice a week as I'm not allowed to have more. Ive had one session of medical Botox and next one in next month and I've had 3 sessions so far of accupunture. I'm trying to help myself but nothing is helping. I've put on 3 stone in the past 18 months and gone up at least 2 dress sizes. I don't feel good about myself and feel upset when looking in the mirror. I feel physically unfit and get out of breath easily. I feel I only have myself to blame for the way I am. I've been binge eating alot mainly for comfort. I've now got to the point that I don't want to socialise or see people because I know what they are thinking. I couldn't bring myself to go with DH to visit his family last week as they would probably get a shock to see me as havent seen me in two years. Im avoiding making arrangements with friends and I don't even go supermarket shopping anymore. I don't want to see anyone. Work I have no choice but even there I'm feeling paranoid of what everyone thinks. I'm going to work because I have to and hopefully to help people out.
I feel I am just existing for others but not myself. This is not me. If it wasn't for these others then Im not sure I would still be here. I feel desperately unhappy but feel so guilty for these feelings like I said at the beginning. I don't want to exist like this anymore. But I feel stuck and don't know how to pull myself out of it. I'm sorry again for the long post.

All of the things you’re doing won’t have short term results.I know it’s hard but you just need to keep the faith - you wouldn’t be having these treatments if the medical team didn’t think they had a chance of working.

Thanks Paula. You are right. It's just so frustrating and getting me down. I'm also worried that I only have 3 CBT sessions left and I'm not feeling much better. I've been discharged from CMH team as not much more they can do, however he said if I need to be seen again then gp can contact them. I'm on annual leave this week which is good to have time off work.

If you need more time then ask your GP to refer you again lovely.
Paula is right. The thing with the therapy is that you never see that it's helping when you're in it. It's only afterwards when you put all the things you've learnt into practise that it actually seems to make any sense....

All I can say is for a long time I felt like I was existing for everyone else but with time and practicing what I was learning at therapy I've been able to turn that around. It will help, it's hard work but things can change if you keep trying.
The other thing I want to say is, can you talk in cbt about how you handle your chronic pain? Your mental health will really affect your ability to deal with your pain which makes your pain worse which then affects your mental health. It's like a viscious circle and it sounds like you need help to break out of it. It's so difficult to break out of on your own but it can be done.

I had my first (telephone) appointment this morning with the pain team. It was an assessment to see how they can help me. To start with they are going to be looking at my meds to see if I am on the right ones and then can help me with an exercise plan. I'm feeling more positive now that there is a team that can hopefully help me.

That's great!
Maybe you could try to make it part of your week to join in with the fab 5s on a Friday? Then you'll be looking out for things that are positive which, as you know, helps.

Well done love!

As part of my CBT homework am I supposed to write at least one positive point down each day and then say what positive qualities that shows I have. Eg putting on washing machine shows I'm organised and determined. Etc. It doesn't have to be big. I admit I'm not so good at doing this every day but I do try to do it and sometimes fill in a few days at once.
Today I'm in agony. I've spent all morning in bed and didn't get dressed till around 2. I've increased dosage of carbamazepine from 200 to 400mg and decreased the nortriptyline from 60 to 50mg in the last 3 days. I expected to have some side effects. But I'm feeling really down with it. I just taken out my crochet to try to focus on something. I find crochet is a really good distraction technique. It's helped me so much and I love seeing the finished products. I'm trying small projects for now to help me focus more and get the satisfaction quicker. I've made a few cards and I'm hoping to make one today.

Can you make yourself do your homework just before bed? Then you do it every night and then you'll go to sleep with positivity in your head....

It's good you can focus on your crochet. What kind of cards are you making?

Crochet is great distraction technique.
I tend to have different projects going on so I can choose depending on my mood.

I do that too!

I'm struggling.
Today I've felt so ill, depressed, sick and in pain. I woke at 3am and it felt like someone had punched me hard in the face. I took strongest strength cocodamol but it didn't touch the pain and took me around two hours to get back to sleep. I tried to get up late morning and have a bath and wash my hair but afterwards I felt so sick that I couldn't dry it and I've spent the rest of the day in bed. I've not slept but I've had no energy to get up. Eventually I was sick about 7pm but now I just feel week. I'm going to try to get hold of gp tomorrow as I really don't feel good. I can't live like this anymore. It's so miserable being like this and not fair on my family

(panda)

Sorry you've been feeling ill... Did you eat when you took the cocodamol?

Mentally I'm struggling. Can't really think past today but for work I'm taking one day at a time and unless I improve I can't see myself staying in work much longer. I'm petrified to go on sick leave because of my last major mh crisis and long term sick leave. Staying home alone with my depression was dangerous for me then and I spiralled down. I'm fighting this everyday but I'm not sure how much longer I can. Work is a safe place for me not like last time. Cbt is coming to an end but I decided to write a list of current thoughts to show my therapist at the next session so she can hopefully direct me in the best way forward for my discharge plan which we have been discussing

I was hoping that as you haven't been posting that things were brighter for you.
Have you spoken to your line manager and told them how you are feeling?
What does your husband say? What support do you have?

Firstly I will point out that your fear of this time being the same as the last is irrational. The reason I say this it because if you read back what you have written here you have already stated that things are different. We learn from our past experiences.

The second thing is that CBT never ends. It gives you coping strategies to help you for life. Just because you’re not speaking to a professional any more doesn’t mean you don’t have to use the skills you have been thought, but like going to school. You may leave formal education at 16 or 18 but you still continue to use the things you learned.

Stella you are so right. Thank you.
Suzi work are very supportive. I'm hoping for help via Occupational health.

Talking to OH is a sensible idea. Love, I don’t think you see how amazingly well you are coping with this, please, please don’t beat yourself up re work….

I'm glad you are looking to talk to OH. They are normally pretty brilliant.

You didn't mention if you were talking to your husband about things?

Yes. I am talking to him. He knows I'm struggling.

Is he being supportive? How's he doing? the kids?

What support do you currently have in place? Friends? Family?