A place for me to post my thoughts and struggles. Might be real dark at times.
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A place for me to post my thoughts and struggles. Might be real dark at times.
This is a rough weekend for me. We are in a lockdown at the moment but for me it changes almost nothing. The only thing I notice is people around me saying how lonely life is and how they struggle with it. But for me this has been my life since I broke up with my girlfriend over 3 years ago now?
I promised my therapists that I would not self harm. I do think about it all the time. Destroying my body so it looks the way I feel it already does. All the while I do overeat and purge more then 2 times a day. Because of the ad's my mouth is already dry and this way its sure to leave damage.
Taking care of my then girlfriend was the thing that tipped me over. I think she is doing way better and thats good. But I feel I am on a cliff with no where to go. All the while only learning how messed up I am and whos fault it is. But me only wanting to take it out on myself.
Right now with pain in my hand because of the teeth marks.
I dont think I ever felt so sad for myself.
Oh Mira. I am so sorry you are so sad.
I wish I could wave a wand and take the pain away.
I wish you could see all the positives I see in you.
I know that drive to SH and I know how overwhelming and compelling it can be. Then we give in and the guilt becomes another negative to beat ourselves up with.
Breaking the cycle is so hard and at times seems impossible, but please hang in there, keep engaging in therapy, keep taking the meds but most of all know that you are cared for.
There are people.... I am one..... whose lives are made better because of your presence. I wish i could hug you better but i cant, please be kind to you, please dont hurt my friend, please learn to think kind thoughts of him. (bear)
(panda) I so wish I could take this away from you. I will say I’m extremely grateful that you’re talking to us
I'm so glad you're talking.
You know the purging is self harm right? Promising someone you aren't going to harm isn't always the right way of doing things. You need to stop self harm for you, not because you've promised someone else.
There are some apps we recommend on shout. I don't know if they work where you are, but you could try? They are Calm Harm, Chill Panda (rubbish name, but it's a really helpful one) and Headspace.
Please, please, please do this for you...
Someone gave me a suggestion to post. And I found this thread and thought why not dust it off.
I thought I was doing a bit better. But I went to therapy today and went with public transport. And my stress went way up. I have been that way since I got home now.
I wanted to play my game. But I have noticed the same thing that happens everytime when I start to develop feelings for someone in a game. I feel it belong to them and not me. So I started playing but felt bad about playing her game so I stopped.
I even tried playing another game I stopped playing 3 years ago for the same reason but same result.
I keep going through this cycle. Untill I am stripped from everything. Games I like. Bands I like (because of the same reasons I never play the Doors anymore or the Cure).
I think I am on a path where I destroy everything in my life till the last thing to destroy is myself :(
Oh hunni (panda) I’m so sorry today was so difficult. Do you want to talk about what happened in therapy? Is there an easier way for you to travel to your appointments so you don’t have the stress of public transports?
Ftr, we’re a lot harder to shake off and I, for one, do not intend to let you destroy our friendship
Therapy went ok. We talked about my plan for when I get in different states. It was way more all the other people. I am getting worse with those interactions and just being around people.
I just am so worried for my safe place being home. What if there is nothing left to distract?
There will always be something to distract - we are here. Have you tried going through the distractions threads we have here? What about making yourself a crisis box with something to touch, something to taste, something to look at, something to listen to and something to smell?
How are you today?
I know all the things you are feeling because I have similar issues but you know all of this is just in your head right? You would never treat me or anyone else so badly, constantly punishing them for simply existing, so why is it ok to treat yourself this way?
Stella's right.....please don't punish yourself. You're such a good and kind person. When I was at my lowest I used to watercolour...art that is. I'm no da Vinci but it took my head to lovely places and steered my mind away from destruction to distraction. You don't have to be an artist to paint..it's all about you. Why not give it a go? A brush or two and a cheap box of paints and a pad of artists paper. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at what you can do. Start with a simple christmas card scene or something. When I was in rehab we had 3 classes a week and at the end of it everyone was really pleased with what they turned out..some of them were amazing! Don't beat yourself up by being who you think you are and be what we know you are. Give it a go!
That's a great idea! Over lockdown even I got pencils out with my 2 youngest and we were following some of the Disney tutorials on youtube!
OOO you could follow Bob Ross! He's amazing. Happy little trees and happy little seascapes! He's so relaxed and awesome!
I am seeing that this can be read by everyone. I dont think i am at ease with that. So I should make another one then.
Great idea Flo. I have tried drawing etc in the past. Even took some lessons. But as with everything else I was my own worst critic and then stopped. I am trying writing now. See how that goes.
If it makes you feel more comfortable, definitely start a different thread. But please don’t disappear from us, lovely
I am trying. There are just so many obsticals I can not fight them all off. I had a lot of ideas for today but I can only sit in bed feeling bad.
(bear) sending hugs.
(panda)
Do you want me to move this thread to a more private area?
No thanks. I am feeling real fragile now anyway. So I dont feel like posting at all. I keep seeing and feeling reasons why people dont like me and dont want me around. And all the lovely things people say dont land.
From my own experience, the people here don't do anything by halves. When they say that you are a good friend and that they want you around, they really mean it. We all do.
Do you think you can just believe that it's what we believe?
I am trying my best. But my mind is so good at finding loop holes and ways around it that I fail at that. I am sorry all.
You have nothing to apologise for
(panda)
Morning love, how are you today?
Hi, sweetheart, how are you doing?
Just popping in with a smile and a big hello.
Me too!!(hi)
And me as well (bear)
Thanks :)
I made another thread in the over 18 section to have it a bit more private.
I am in pain. The days have been horrible for me both online and offline. My feelings for people grow stronger. But the distance wider. And I am here alone. On my bed getting colder.
I dont see any point in trying anymore or going on. I feel unwanted and that more then I can handle. Let alone knowing I will not get love in return. People coming over. Or even having a video call.
No need to reply. I dont deserve kindness or sympathy. I just wanted to vent and thats enough. I am always trying to reach out my hand for help in my own weird way. No noe ever took my hand. Its done. Its ok.
Hey, don’t you dare! People here have always showed kindness toward you because you are a friend to so many. Ok so some people in your life don’t appreciate you. Maybe they don’t deserve you. Head up and keep going knowing that they are the ones missing out, not you.
I have contacted Mira to ask him to confirm he is safe. I will close this thread until I hear from him
I’ve heard from Mira this morning and he’s safe
But we are reaching out to you. You are an important member of the DWD family. You know that - we've talked about it here on the boards and privately too.
Hunni, I really think you need to contact your mental health team and tell them exactly how bad things are - especially after therapy.
They know.
If they know what have they suggested you do to help yourself?
They made sure I have the phone numbers if I feel that way again. And they talked about things that might help make me feel a little less stressed. But they don't work most of the time.
Ok so why haven’t you called when you are clearly struggling?
I had a video chat with them this morning and since then I have been home and in the bedroom
Have you told them about all the ways you’re hurting yourself?