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I don't think any of what he said was nasty, rude yes! But nasty? Yes, there is no excuse for being rude but when we feel so overwhelmed we need love and understanding, and even leaving alone! They sound more like the words of a man who is hurting and reached a breaking point.
You had no need to keep checking up on him in such a short space of time. I will guarantee that he got so drunk because it helped him pretend he was ok and have a normal night out with his friends and then you started texting him and calling him reminding him that he's ill. Yes, after he complained about you not replying to his messages, he should have replied to you, but if he was having a good night and then saw the messages, it's possible they brought his mood down. We don't want constantly reminding that we're ill. We want to be able to have days where we pretend everything is normal! We want days where we can just be us without feeling smothered by people checking that we're dealing with our illness ok that day! We are more than our mental illness. I bet his friends let him to forget
You ask how he can tell you he doesn't want you to care anymore and call that hurtful? Well I ask you how can that be one of your main focuses when he has told you that he feels numb and empty? I know Suzi will relate to this one from her experiences with Marc. Feeling numb is awful. You know you love people but you don't feel it. You feel nothing, it's not sadness, or irritation, or anger, but just nothing.
Have you ever thought he left you crying because it made him feel even worse then he already did? Have you thought that if you'd simply said that you'd got up to check why the dog was barking then everything could have been avoided? Why did you need to challenge him there and then about not replying to you? You knew he was drunk, you know he's been getting angry for no reason as he's been honest about you with it. What did it really achieve?
If you want things to work out then you need to let go of this preoccupation with how his illness is making you feel. He is ill, but he is trying. He proves that when he is honest with you about how he is struggling. the bit that i find hardest to deal with is you know that your thinking is skewed, you know it's irrational but you can't control it. Trust me when I say that he will feel awful about upsetting you but you really need to try and see that he is ill. I don't think you truly understand that. And all I can say to that is talk and listen. Talk to people who are ill, see how they cope. Talk to people who support those who are ill, see how they deal with it. But above all, hear what they're saying. You're listening but you're not hearing.
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That's sort of what I am thinking Suzi.. He has no reason to worry about me as far as I am concerned.. But with how he is right now k have every reason to worry about him...
When I said I was lying awake worried about him being angry I meant at other people... He's said tha t all he feels right now is misery, sadness and anger and he is worried that he will lash out at strangers who just look at him the wrong way.. I am not worried about him becoming angry with me.. I am very confident that he would never hurt me physically.. He's just not that way inclined.. Prior to his depression though he never treated me such a way.. He was always thoughtful and caring...
Angie.. You're probably right.. But how can I distinguish between what his depression is saying and what he actually feels.. I struggle massively reading people without looking at their actions because I understand words are cheap... But even his actions right now leave alot to be desired...
Jaquaia.. I do feel it was nasty for his to say I shouldn't have text him in the first place.. For him to shove our dog away with his foot.. For him to say I am unimportant.. I do think all of those things were nasty and completely uncalled for..
I am sorry but I do feel I had a need to check he was okay.. Given the fact that the day before he told me he was so angry and was worried about being sectioned because he was so angry.. Even going to the extent of punching a fence I feel I have every reason to be concerned about his welfare.. There's a big difference between if I messaged him saying "Where are you and what time you coming home" to actually messaging him saying "You okay" ...
I text him and left it for almost an hour until I noticed he had completely ignored my message.. That was when I text him again.. He even admitted this morning that he saw my message but didn't feel the need to answer.. In my opinion that's unfair.. Especially when I've left him for 5 hours to enjoy himself without so much of a word and only messaged to check all was well.. I called twice and text twice over a 90 minute period which I genuinely don't feel is excessive.. had he have replied the first time I would have gone off to bed and he could have carried on enjoying himself..
It's not one of my main focuses at all.. But as has been said previously I am allowed to have feelings too.. And i am allowed to feel hurt by things too because my feelings are equally important.. I came on here to talk to people about how I felt.. Rather than talk to him and make him feel worse.. But from what you're saying I must completely dismiss my feelings ALL of the time because he feels nothing and I must allow him to talk to me.. Act and do whatever he likes because he isn't well.. A simple message to stop the person that loves you from worrying is all I was asking for and I got greeted with anger and nasty hurtful comments and I am in the wrong....
I did tell him I went downstairs because the dog was barking and I got told how I knew it was him and what else could it have been.. He does feel something.. Anger and misery.. Hence the reason I wanted to ensure he was okay...
How can you say I don't understand he's ill.. I've done everything I can and am trying my best to be understanding and supportive.. I've been pushed away.. I've been ignored both physically and emotionally.. I've been walked away from and told that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.. I've been positive and happy despite having an awful day at work or being I'll myself.. I've made sure he's eating properly even if it's meant I have to stay up when I am tired to make him lunch.. I've tried to cheer him up with small gestures to simply make him smile even for a short period of time.. I've done all of the housework after a days work because he's been tired and I've let him sleep.. I've taken on the entire financial outgoings on my own paycheck to not worry him about money and stress him out even more.. I've literally done so much to show I understand his I'll and put my needs aside every single day.. Yes there are times when it gets too much for me and I get upset.. Yes I don't understand what his head is saying most of the time.. Yes I do still feel upset and sad about some of the things that are happening but it's completely unfair for you to say that I don't understand he is ill when I am doing my best too...
You say to talk to people and thats exactly what I came on this forum to do.. Talk to people.. Perhaps they could rationalise things from his point of view as they have done in the past and help me understand why he might have acted the way he did and said what he said.. In the past thast has helped..
But never once have they made me feel like I am not being supportive or understanding by having my own feelings....
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You are more than entitled to your own feelings and I see your point of view and those of the others. I know how horrific I felt whilst Marc was having his breakdown. I know how lonely, how I was scared to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing to make things worse. FFS I was out digging up the brambles in our small patch of garden and re-turfing it all almost single handely at 10 weeks after having my 3rd C Section because I was told that getting him out of the house in a garden might help....
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That's exactly how I feel Suzi.. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do it's wrong somehow.. You're exactly right.. It is lonely and disheartening..
But I am trying my best.. I want to see him improve and if I can stop it believe me I wouldn't let my own feelings come into play.. It's just hard sometimes especially if I've had a bad day...
Talking to you guys knowing that you've been through similar helps.. Especially where sometimes if I tell my parents they get angry and tell me how unfair it is on me.. It just makes me feel worse....
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Hunni maybe you are trying too hard? Maybe stepping back a little might help? If he doesn't want to talk to you about things then maybe you need to just go back to "how was your day?" rather than "how are you feeling?"?
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I've been trying that recently.. we've been having alot more days recently where he hasn't felt the need to mention it but so far this week he has said he's felt miserable since Sunday evening...
With him not being the most forthcoming person with feelings I haven't directly asked how he feels at all for a while.. Rather just let him bring it up if he feels he wants to.. I think the biggest struggle I have is knowing what to say when he does want to talk..
Like just now he said how he doesn't care about anything anymore and I tried to point out the things he does care about.. He shrugs in agreement but I don't know if that's the right thing to do...
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Maybe you just need to listen and not try to correct him itms?
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Itms..? What does that mean..?
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Ahh yes.. Sorry.. Yes perhaps you're right.. I could certainly try that....
I think the doctor will have to change his medication again unfortunately so we will be back to the drawing board soon I think...
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Why do you think the meds need changing?
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He seems to think it's gotten worse.. He self harmed a couple of weeks ago when he first started them and says how he still wakes up every morning feeling lost and like he's lost a bit of himself..
These last couple of days he says how he has felt really angry for no known reason and how's he's extremely agitated and irritable all the time..
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When's he got an appointment?
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Anger and irritability can be common, I’ve been struggling with that recently. And, sometimes, you can feel worse as you’re feeling better - as the numbness disappears the more volatile emotions can reappear itms.
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He's got an appointment next Friday.. That will be 1 month of being on the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg (which he was on for 1 month before changing it) ...
Ahh yes that makes perfect sense Paula.. He has always been very able to show anger as an emotion.. It has always been his go to..
I am not sure what the doctor will suggest then...
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Maybe some anger management?
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The doctor referred him for some when he went last month.. Still waiting to hear back from the referral...
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He could call to chase the appointment?
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Yeah I think he probably will have to.. Perhaps I will ask him.. But he's not got my "umph" to do stuff I.e. go a get his blood tests or do his medical sample which he was asked to do on the 13th April....
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But that's all part of his illness love. You can't expect him to have an "umph" when he's struggling so much just to get up and face another day.....
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Well I am pleased it's part of the illness in a sense then.... You definitely make sense saying it like that.. I had worried he just couldn't be bothered so it's a relief to know he's not doing it on purpose...
I am slightly worried though as his friend messaged me (the friend he sent a picture of him cutting himself to) and just called him a div and a d*** and said he will speak to him.. It's his best friend so I am not sure if that would help :( ...
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Wow. I’d be pretty (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed if my friend had that sort of conversation with my partner .....
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Ouch! With friends like that who needs enemies...
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He's come home today in a really really fowl mood.. Like worse than usual :'( ... I've asked if I've upset him and what's wrong and he just says nothing....
I actually asked his friend not to say anything but I think he has anyway.. I even asked him to call me before he spoke to him so I could explain to him to be a little bit more sensitive but he didn't.. I told him he's not well and he's just said he's being an attention seeker... ...
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Maybe you haven't upset him at all and he's just having a crappy day - I've had a few this week too....
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Perhaps you're right.. He did become a bit more talkative before he went gym and mentioned how he's feeling crappy and angry like everyday this week and how he's fed up of it...
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It's good that he's able to go to the gym. That's a big positive - gives him something to focus on and exercise is great for releasing endorphins...
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Yes we've both been a lot more active.. He tries to go often.. And I go a minimum of 3 times a week.. Which is a great way for me to to relieve some frustrations if you know what I mean haha...
I just hope it's helping it...
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Last night he opened up a bit again.. He opens up at the strangest of times..
We were laying in bed and he said how he was dreading this sleep.. I asked why and he said because he knows he's not going to be able to sleep because he's stressed.. Again I asked why.. He said he was stressed because he has his supervisor assessment tomorrow and is worried about it and was already stressed before.. Again I asked why.. He said that he was stressed out about paintball because he doesn't want to go this weekend or to the tournament next weekend (their first tournament of the year) .. I said "Of course you do but your worrying yourself about it already.. You had a good time last time so perhaps just remember that" then he went on to tell me how he didn't have a good time and only spoke to a small number of people because he didn't feel comfortable.. So I told him to try not to worry about things too far in advance and to take day by day because he doesn't know how he will feel at that point... He said how he was fed up because he feels like he's dying inside and just wants to feel normal again.. I moved closer to him and hugged him because at this point I genuinely don't know what to say.. He spoke of how he feels fed up and feels like he's losing himself and doesn't feel like his normal self anymore.. I asked if there's anything I could do and he said he said "what can you do".. I said I'll try anything which might help like a cuddle (to which he said they don't help) and then leaving him alone every so often (to which he shrugged his shoulders) ..
I told him that I loved him and he said he knows.. I asked him why he didn't want to tell me and he said he does and said I love you too.. Perhaps stupidly.. I said "it's okay if you don't love me anymore" (a friend had unhelpfully told me perhaps he's being like this because he's not IN love with me anymore and naturally it had been playing on my mind so I wanted him to know it was okay if that was the case) .. He just replied with "I do" .. I kissed his shoulder and rolled over to go to sleep.. We both dozed off and he woke up shortly after having had a nightmare.. I offered to stroke his hair as it relaxes him and he asked me too so I did as we went off to sleep...
I am glad he felt he could tell me how he felt and that he was stressed.. I genuinely feel lost on what to say back that might be of some help...
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Sometimes there isn't anything to say and you just have to listen...
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Yes perhaps you're right....
I Just hope he really does still love me...
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At the moment he won't feel anything really....
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Is that why he says I know when i tell him I love him..? And why he just said I do when I said it's okay if he doesn't love me anymore..?
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Yes, exactly that. Sweetie, we have been trying to tell you this ..... you can’t focus on every little thing he says and does, it’s not good for either of you
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I am just so scared.. I feel like I've lost him and I can't help blaming myself sometimes.. I just want to see him get through his depression and hopefully we can continue on our relationship as it was.. But I am just scared he doesn't want that anymore or will realise he doesn't want it when he's better...
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And how is fretting over everything going to change that?
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That's my coping mechanism I guess.. Always expect the worst and then you'll never be disssappinted...
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But maybe expecting the worst is only making things worse?
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I am so annoyed right now..
My partner came to me whilst I was at the gym in a bit of a nervous and panicky state.. He told me how one of his work colleagues and friends had a huge argument with his wife and is in a state.. Talking about ending his life and so on..
My partner wanted to go to him to comfort him and try to call him down.. Fair enough.. I asked him to just keep me updated with what's going on and said if he wanted go bring him home to stay the night round ours that's fine.. He said he would to both..
He last updated me at 8pm saying that he's friend is in bits and won't stop crying and saying that he was waiting for his friends dad to come which shouldn't be more than an hour.. At 930 he text me asking me to make up our sofa bed and how he was levelling out and how I should do the bed now.. Fast forward to 12:26 (now) and his phone is off.. He hasn't replied to me for hours.. He told me he would be in a certain area but is in a completely different area.. He still hasn't come home.. I have no idea what's going on or where he is.. If he's coming home or what the hell has gone on..
I really feel taken advantage of now :( .. He could easily use his friends phone if his battery died just to let me know all is okay :( ...
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When he finally came home he was covered in mud and cuts.. Said he was beaten up on his way home.. Turns out he had lied to me and actually went out for a drink with his work friends but didn't want to tell me because he "knew" I would moan about him drinking again..
The last time I said anything about him drinking was when he wanted to go out 3 weekends in a row.. So I kindly said that he should be careful as he doesn't want to get into a habit.. But literally that was all..
I am so angry with him right now.. He's down on the sofa as I literally can't believe he was so horrible and just fabricated this awful story...