Thanks, you all make me smile. I need to gdt out of feeling this way though.
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Thanks, you all make me smile. I need to gdt out of feeling this way though.
Maybe you could start by trying to train your brain that we think you're a good person and we want you around?
That would be awesome. I can not wait for therapy to start. But that might still be a year.
The sad part is that if you look for things that are not going well. Or signals that you are a bad person. They can be seen. And that makes everything real in my mind.
I do think that tuning online things down. But i need to be careful not to go into hiding again.
And i need to get rid of the SH thoughts.
Trouble is, online, you can find a site like DWD where we all work hard to ensure this is a positive, welcoming environment for everybody but you can also find trolls - and it’s hard to deal with trolls when you’re feeling well, it’s impossible when you’re not well.
Mira, love, you are not a bad person ....
Totally agree with Paula. You are so kind and compassionate (panda)
I think you really are so kind, caring and very much loved and wanted here. We all miss you when you aren't around....
Well i am trying my best not to leave.
Today in the mail I received a letter from the organization that handles my intake and possible a treatment. The letter was about the findings so far. I wanted to share them here.
According to the dsm-5 (no idea if thats a dutch thing or international one) i have an avoiding personality disorder with compulsive characteristics.
And a persistent depresive disorder. And a history of self harm.
They want to run further tests and interviews. To see if there are more vulnerabilities and/or if there might be a developmental disorder.
These may still take a while. And then eventual treatment even longer.
I do think they got me spot on. But this is feeding all my insecurities and bad thoughts. Especially after what happened yesterday online.
I am just glad it's almost bedtime.
I do want to apologize for not being more active on other peoples threads. Sorry for that.
You never need to apologise for not contributing to other threads lovely. You know how it works here, if you are able to contribute then great, if you need to focus on you and contributing to others is too much, then you focus on you (panda)
I think the DSM5 is an international thing
Thanks, because of the development disorder that might be there its hard to not link it to myself feeling stupid and worthless.
You are neither stupid nor worthless, regardless of any further diagnosis
No need to worry about posting on others threads you can post as much or as little as you want the main thing is you keep talking, it's nice to have you around Mira.
I completely agree with the others! You are far from stupid or worthless and you are definitely wanted. It's a good thing that they are going to look carefully to get you the right treatment and help.
The lonelyness on the weekends is terrible. Since most of my friends dont talk to me anymore nobody comes around for a visit. And because of how I am I had to stop being online as much. I have given it a lot of thought and I am not capable of doing online things in a chat inviroment. I do get weird and i alienate people.
At least during the week I talk with people at work and then its way more easy to act normal. But online its harder. I had to stop online gaming. And I stopped with the chatgroup. One man from America is coming to the Netherlands this month. And we had been talking for more then a year. He asked to meet. But we don't even talk anymore. So I messed that up as well.
So what to do? If the best thing for everybody else is to stay home and be alone but its horrible for myself? I hate this. And the thoughts that come with it.
Can I ask why you don’t talk anymore? What happened to change that friendship?
Well this wont sound logical. I can even see that myself. But I guess thats what the disorder does to me.
It will go great for a while. But online it seems much easier to talk about whats going on with yourself. Even more so with people that have the same issues. But then I feel like a bother to people. And I can get whingy. So then I stop talking to people so they dont have to deal with somebody difficult. I am just so worried that people wont like me that i break it off before that time. But thats hurting me. And leaves me alone.
Even when people are reasuring me that things are fine. I cant believe it. It leaves me spiraling.....
When i am doing ok and look at what i do i go oh boy. Why? And i can see it clearly. But i get into a state pretty easy and then its all out the window.
When i am at work or in public its a bit more easy because then i know people dont like me so i can be silent and calm.
Sorry for going on and on.
Stop and take a deep breath lovely. You never have to apologise for talking here (panda)
Hunni, do you actually know as a fact that people don’t like you or is it what you believe? You’re not a bother and you don’t whinge and I cant see any reason why anybody would dislike you. I hate that you’re lonely, especially as I believe you don’t need to be, that you have people around you who would want a friendship with you. I know I would love to spend time with you, if I could, irl
Do you know what? I'd love to reach into my computer screen, give you a massive hug. I don't think it's ever going to matter how much reassurance we give you that actually we love having you around, that we don't find you a bother or whinging or anything else negative.. Until you find a way to even slightly believe that we believe that we love you then you're always going to struggle. To be honest though love, we all have those insecurities - there have been times when I haven't posted how I feel or what's going on for me because I don't think that I should burden anyone else with that... Then I get caught out by the brilliant team members and told that I should post, so I do and I start to feel better almost immediately because feeling that other people genuinely want to know how you are and genuinely care and love you is about the best feeling in the world. Start believing it lovely, because we do genuinely love you and we do genuinely care.
Thanks all.
Most of the time I do know its not true Paula. But there have been times where people just told me that I was.
I feel there are two different versions of me. The one that does believe all, the kind things you all say to me. And that has a good feeling about it.
And there is the version that feels so insecure and thinks he is horrible. And does not deserve anything.
That version is around more. And sadly i can not change it on my own. They already told me that will require therapy.
So until then i guess it will stay this way.
Thing is hunni, we are never going to be liked by everyone all of the time. There are many, many times that people who use here have not liked me or how I am but that's OK because I know that for others they do like me or how I am or at least tolerate me! lol
I know. When I am ok I do see things in a logical way. But thinking one thing while my feelings drag me into another direction is the problem.
Even now I feel the need to apologize. I get so scared that I offended somebody or said the wrong thing.
I did see I had an email adres of the American. So I sent him an email.
I did read it a few times before sending it. I tend to over explain things...
Maybe I am just no good at social things untill i get therapy.
If it's any consolation, I hate social things. I feel awkward and out of place and am convinced that I'm being judged. I find it incredibly difficult to talk to strangers, it takes a huge effort for me to do that! It takes me a while to settle when I see my friends in Manchester too.
You will get there lovely (panda)
I think you will need a rest after telling us your true feelings, but it really helps us to get to know you better. You are doing great, you get up and you get on with things. It's THE hardest thing to do when you are fighting with your own mind.
When you are not around here our family seems incomplete. We love having you around and I for one look forward to seeing a post from you.
We all say the wrong things in a social situation at times, it's all part of being human and the majority of times an apology isn't necessary, you can speak three languages and from your posts you come across as an extremely nice person. Magie has said it in her post much better than I could.
Thanks Magie and Mike. I do feel part of the group here. Otherwise I would have run a long time ago. So I am always grateful to be here and enjoy all your compagny.
I went on a few websites to see a discription of the disorder. And I found one thats almost spot on to what i go through when talking to people and trying to be social. I will copy and past it in my next post. So thats from a website. Not my own words but it does sum it up well.
Cluster C
is comprised of avoidant, dependent, and anankastic personality disorders. People with avoidant PD believe that they are socially inept, unappealing, or inferior, and constantly fear being embarrassed, criticized, or rejected. They avoid meeting others unless they are certain of being liked and are restrained even in their intimate relationships. Avoidant PD is strongly associated with anxiety disorders, and may also be associated with actual or felt rejection by parents or peers in childhood. Research suggests that people with avoidant PD excessively monitor internal reactions, both their own and those of others, which prevents them from engaging naturally or fluently in social situations. A vicious circle takes hold in which the more they monitor their internal reactions, the more inept they feel; and the more inept they feel, the more they monitor their internal reactions.
One thing when i read something like this is that i feel relief. That I am not alone or a freak. But it does make life so hard. And then my depression amplifies it at times.
Today i went for a meal at my brothers. My mum was there as well. I felt out of place the whole time. And then my brother said that next friday he wants to eat at mums with his new girlfriend. And if i liked to come.
I said no. I am already fragile and i would ruin the evening for everybody. I am happy they know about my troubles so they were cool about it. Plus they are eating something that makes me sick (really). So i said that and that i dont want to eat something different.
So i am not going. I will meet her eventualy. But hopefully when i am a bit better. I dont want the first impression to be the mentaly ill brother.
You are definitely not a freak! I promise you that...
(panda)
You are loved and wanted. Definitely not a freak.
Thanks Magie.
Today at work i felt out of it. Could not focus and made stupid mistakes. So i went home early. And i had a good day with regards to eating. So that is a win. But other then that I am sitting on the couch just staring at the walls.
So many things I wish I could do but nothing I can do. I am my own worst enemy.
This all sounds way to dark. And i wanted to delete it. But i will post it.
Thank you for posting it, thank you for trusting us enough to post it. Having a good day with eating is a huge win, lovely, well done :)
You can't win at everything. Your win of the day was eating right. Celebrate that win. The others will come too.
Baby steps lovely. It's going to take time.
Thank you so much for posting! I know how hard that can be. That's a huge step.
Can you get together things that you can do when you can't face anything else - to stop you from staring at the walls... What about things like sketchbooks? Crochet? Knitting? Colouring? Jigsaw puzzles? Ingredients to bake with?
I have this dread that today will be another bad day. I still feel guilty of not joining my brother and his new girlfriend for dinner next friday. I have not met her yet. But its way to stressful for me to do right now. And I have this image in my mind that then she will see me in a bad moment and I will be branded the weirdo mental health problem boy.
So I want to do that when I am feeling a bit better.
Seeing other people succeed in things that I find difficult makes me feel so bad. Its a list that goes round and round in my mind. A list of things I want to learn and do. And then the list of things I say that suck the fun out of them in an instant.
I want to write down some of the things on those lists. But thats not easy for me. I can already feel my nerves coming because then I talk about what I would like and people might judge because of it.
Well here goes anyway. At least here its a safe inviroment.
I love to be old fashioned (in the good way, not a racist way or thinking of class difference). Be humble and caring. Friendly and have a house that looks like its been build and decorated in the '30.
The list of hobbies is so long but I dont do any of them. I like to read, write poetry ( I loved reading Lord Byron in English). To draw and to do Caligraphy. My dream is to learn. Study. I even thought of doing an Open University study in the UK. Be better at my current job. I want to exercise. I always wanted to run a marathon. Be social and volunteer at the local museum.
What do I do at the moment? Not one single thing. Thats partly because of the depression. And its to do with the list that goes round and round in my head since I was a little boy.
You are not smart. Look at others around you. So many people get things done. Even with mental health issues. You are pathetic. You are no where near good enough at writing and caligraphy. You practice and not even have a routine. Just stop. You are a big dissapointment. Just stick to the shadows. Where people do not see you. That way nobody can think badly about you.
One thing I have got going for me is that I have rules for myself. I was born German. So I need to be on time. I need to work and I need to do my best. This helped me to have my own home. Have a job and be punctual.
But other then that I feel like an empty shell. An empty shell of the person I could be.
Even writing this has left me sad. I might take a small break. And rest a little bit. Sadly that does not help but i have no idea what else to do.
I apologize for being so down in my post.
And the bad part is that its not just thoughts that go round in my mind. But I feel this to be true in my core. Even on good days where I dont have bad thoughts. A feeling comes over me and I spiral.
NEVER apologise for saying how things really are for you.
Sweetheart I know it's in your head, but you are far from "not smart!" You speak so many languages - I always forget that English isn't your first language when I see your posts here. I couldn't write anything nearly that complicated in any other language.
You can do all of those things, but I'll be honest that each one just takes 1 step forward. You can download things like the couch to 5k app to help you work towards running 5k, it just takes 1 step forward...
You could study anything you wanted to. You really are an intelligent person - as to being kind, caring and humble - you've already achieved those things. You are a gentle soul and a caring friend.
All of what Suzi said. I speak English and a little of my own native language which is Irish. When Aisling was little I thought of the dread I had in learning my own language, and I wanted it to be easier for her. She's a fluent Irish speaker now aged 12, but doesn't want to continue with it. I've brought her along as much as I could. It's her decision. But hopefully she will find it easier to learn more languages now.
You are doing so well. Don't forget that. Love you and wishing you a better day.
You never have to apologise for how you feel here!
You are an incredibly smart person. I'm doing my degree with the Open University and they are absolutely brilliant, the tutors are really supportive and I much prefer studying on my own so it works for me. Suzi and Paula can probably tell you how much I struggled with my first module as my head wasn't good. I've even struggled with this assignment as my head hasn't been great, this was actually an extension. But my tutor has been brilliant. So maybe look into that.
You are an amazing person and we will all keep telling you that