(rofl) best laugh today.
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I really hate them Russian dolls. There so full of themselves.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down
and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, well
it all adds up."
An old one from school:
Don't you think it's cruel to stick pins in spiders?..well of course!
Well why isn't it cruel to sew buttons on flies??
I'm going now....
An inflatable boy named Billy goes to his inflatable school to take his exam. He sits at his inflatable desk. He hadn't revised and on looking at his inflatable exam paper, he realising he could not do it he jumped up from his inflatable chair and ran towards the exit. The inflatable teacher yelled at him "Go to the inflatable headmasters office .. NOW!" "No !! I won't !!" yelled the inflatable boy and plunged his pencil into the inflatable teaches arm. He ran out of the inflatable school, plunging his pencil into the inflatable school. He ran down the inflatable road to his inflatable home and into his inflatable bedroom. Feeling so much remorse for his actions he picked up the pencil and pieced his inflatable arm. Hours later he awoke to find himself at the inflatable hospital. He opened his eyes and in the bed next to him was his inflatable teacher sitting up in bed, the teacher turned to him and said .......... "Billy.....You've let me down, You've let the school down .. But most of all ... You've let yourself down.
OMG That was not only terrible, but I think my boys are still groaning and I can't breathe for laughing at them! Thank you so much!
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)d teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her man looking troubled and waving a gun around.
Oh my baby what are you doing with that gun she askes?
Where the man looks and comes to his senses.
I was hunting decepticons he said.
The woman says: there are no decepticons baby its all in the movies.
The man starts laughing about it. The women laughs about it. The toaster laughs about it.
Then the man shoots the toaster.
A man goes to the doctors, because he is not well. Doctor tells him to say "Ahhhh"! "Why"? asks the man. Because my cat died today said the doctor.
"I say i say i say!; My dog has no nose"
"Really! How dose he smell"?
"Terrible".
(rofl)
A man walks into a pet shop.
"I'd Like to buy a goldfish please" said the man.
The shop keeper said "Would you like an aquarium sir"?
The man reply's: "I don't care what star sign it is".
happy New year everyone. (party)
sorry, i suffer from premature congratulations.
What dose a west ham united fan use as a contraceptive?
His personality.
What do you say to someone who has spent 4 years at university on a mdia study course?
"Can i have fries with that please".
I once wrote a book about poltergeists. it was so popular, it flew of the shelves.
I was in this bar at the weekend and not saying it was rough or anything but I saw a sign stating Toilets and garden. It wasn't until I got out there I realised they were the same place.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
"Pint of bitter and a mop please."
What do you get when you cross a dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.
I was not very close to my father when he died. Witch was fortunate, he trod on a land mine.
how many therapists does it take to change a lite bulb?
just 1, but it will take 9 weekly sessions.
lol
2 flies playing in a saucer
1 turns to the other one and says, we have to do better than this- next week we're supposed to be playing in the cup
What is a snowman's favorite game?
Ice Spy
What do the royal family play instead of musical chairs?
Game of thrones.
Two American tourists on a street corner. Which one is a prostitute?
The with a badge saying Idaho.
why are 2 times 10 and 2 times 11 the same thing
because 2 times 10 is 20, and 2 times 11 is 20, too
Filling out them university application forums can be tricky.
My friends son made 1 spelling mistake and ended up spending 3 years at the university of East Angola!
an american tourist visits japan
while he's their, he realises that he doesn't like japanese food
luckily, he spots an advert for an american pizza ordering service.
so he goes back to his hotel and orders a takeaway
well about half an hour later the pizza man arives and gives the man his pizza, and thee man starts sneezing
man: what did you put on this pizza?
pizza guy: what you asked for, sir, pepper only
A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar." No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went
into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream.
After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off.
"Now that's real automation," the man exclaimed. "This thing even drinks it for you."
I've just started reading a really good book on the history of Superglue ……. I can't put it down
A few one liners from teh great Stephen Wright...
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
woman walks in to a vet with a goldfish.
she goes up to the vet and says, I believe my goldfish is epileptic.
so the vet looks at the fish and replies, hmm, it looks really calm to me
woman replies well, yes, maybe now, but watch what happens when I remove it from the bowl
I really hate them Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I sat next to my doppelganger on a plane.
I was beside myself.
These are some of the best I have written. Hope they make you laugh.
I’ll only go to elementary school reunions because those people didn’t start to hate me until we were in high school.
If it’s any consolation to you, my sisters treat my mother like crap, so you’re not the only mother who’s a bitch.
I want to change jobs, but I’m trapped by the golden handcuffs. It will take at least 6 months for my urine to test clean.
I feel sorry for wild animals because it’s like they’re always camping without beer.
I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid you’re going to eat her.
Why did the bullied kid just want to live in his own virtual world? He’d rather be an e-scapegoat.
When I told my baseball coach that my 100-year-old grandmother was watching the game, and it would make her life if she could see me playing in it, he put her in and made me stand, and not sit, on the bench waving so she would.
My poor traits don’t do me justice and have painted an unflattering picture of me.
Why did I feel like I was ripped off when I ordered a filet of catfish? My friend paid the same price and got 9 filets of sole.
What did the gnome make his clone into? Its elf.
I was almost the hero once when I went out looking for a lost hiker in the woods, but when I heard him yelling ‘I’m here. I’m over here.’, in the distance, I realized he knew exactly where he was and wasn’t lost, at all, so I called off the search.
Bright Spot Alert! I connected all the dots in my life and when I looked at the whole picture I ended up with the pony I always wanted but never got.
If I need a taxi to get home, I go into the nearest pizza place and order one delivery to my home for a ride there if they want my business and tell them I won’t be able to order one from home if I have to spend the money to get there.
I hate it when I buy jeans with a metal-buttoned fly because the only thing quick about them is how fast they rust.
I used to be a cat burglar, but the vet bills were killing me.
I used to eat breath mints that gave me such bad gas that they doubled as room air fresheners, too.
I didn’t know what to think when my drug dealer went legit, and I couldn’t stop buying vacuum cleaners off him, after that.
Why are eye glasses called spectacles? Because they really are something to see.
If I live to a notable age and the reporters ask me what the secret is to my longevity, I will tell them that I killed and assumed the identity of someone 20 years older than me years ago.
How do I know I feel alienated on this planet and always have? When I walked in on my mother in the nude, once, I automatically raised my finger, lit up and started saying ‘Hoooome.’.
I got sick of telling everyone my two cats were Siamese so I renamed them Changandeng and Lucky.
There’s nothing more hypocritical to me than being stopped at the door of someone who’s invited me over and wanting the guest towels back when I’m leaving.
I find it hard calling strangers strangers because they aren’t more strange than the people I know.
I joined the school cross country team, and by the time I finished the first race my whole team had graduated by the time I got back from the border.
I wore a gold wedding band out tonight to see if it’s true that people only want what other people have, and it is. It was gone by the time I got home.
You know you’re very old when no one can even be bothered grooming you before you’re going out because you have to be there today.
My generation wrecked everything, not being responsible, so you can only blame the generation before it, for letting it happen.
It’s been so long since my parents gave me a pat on the back that if it happened, now, I would think I’d just burp.
It totally offends me when I’m watching TV, and they’re bleeping someone, because I have a filthier imagination than most people have mouths.
I know travelling isn’t for me because someone always even breaks into my house every time I watch a travel show on TV and steals my luggage.
I felt vindicated when I blamed my man boobs, that people were constantly teasing me about, on eating meat being treated with hormones when they had to admit that all four of them did look like udders to them.
I think it was the egg that confused me because when I was born I chirped.
I used to blame being left-handed on looking awkward at doing everything but, you know, I look just as awkward in the mirror as a right-hander, so I guess, either way, it didn’t matter.
Being dyslexic has its ups and downs. It was embarassing when I wanted a drink and walked into a bra, but not as embarassing as when I go to one with others and order a glass of milk there, too.
Now that everything in this world is a trigger to me, every time I see a picture of planet Earth I see a gun in space.
That made H and I laugh this morning!
why did addelle cross the road
to say hello from the other side
(rofl)
(rofl)(rofl)