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Thanks Suzi :) Feeling a lot better about things. (whew)
My mood's flat as a pancake and unfortunately nothing is budging it.... I'm waiting on an appointment with an eating disorder specialist psychiatrist from the community mental health team to get the right balance of meds for me but that will be a minimum of two weeks away.... :=
Really nervous about my interview at the nursery tomorrow because of the depression. It (as we all know too well) just makes me feel so empty and like I've got nothing to give, which is overwhelming. But I know I have to go and give it a shot. I guess deep down it's not reeeeeally what I want (to work in a nursery) as I know I want to join a Catholic community.... which I have a possible opportunity of doing the end of this September, but I also know my health might not be good enough to do it then and that I'll have to probably postpone for the following year. Which is fine and always a good goal to have.
So the nursery is probably the best option for me now. Guess I've got to just faking til I make it, right?
Do anti-depressants really get rid of this horrible depression? They feel like the only option.
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What ADs really do is allow you to cope so that you have space to learn how to deal with the illness itms
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I completely agree with Paula x
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...er... great news about the appointment not the depression :( Good luck with the interview today, I hope it goes / went well.
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AD's are definitely worth a shot then. It just seems nonsense that, having already waited two weeks, I now have to wait at least another two weeks just to have an appointment with a psychiatrist about starting new meds. It feels like they're basically saying, 'You need help... In a few weeks'. They've asked me to get bloods done this week but I'm really busy with lots of nice plans so.. 'They need my bloods and they'll get them in a few weeks!' (giggle)
Seeing the team yesterday was a trigger for this big dip in mood (despite the obvious relief about hospital). It's always a trigger though and thankfully the low mood has now passed! I'm switching off from the MH team for the next couple weeks and focusing on having FUN. Off to the beach and on a speed boat ride today with my brother and sister in law, then a few days with my auntie and little cousin, a day at the farm with my little niece, a few days with my other brother and his family and a 5-day camping trip to top it all off! Woo!
ATTMP, thank you!! I didn't go for the interview today. I only applied out of guilt because I felt bad about not working and living at home at the age of 23... My mind likes to use this opportunity to call myself lazy, worthless, a failure and yada yada.... I was offered a great nursery position over six months back when I was better mentally and which offered more pay but didn't even take it back then because it just wasn't for me. We've talked at length about what I really want out of life and so I'm going to focus on that community I mentioned to you and see how that unfolds. Thankfully, the low mood has improved today! How are you doing? I hope all is well with you.
Best wishes to you all xx
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Hunni, they don't need your bloods for their own benefit, they need them to rule out any underlying condition which could be contributing to your ill health. Please get that sorted asap - it won't take long .....
And I have to point out that a 4 week wait to see a psychiatrist is really, really short!
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Hey Em!
Glad you didn't go for the interview if you didn't want to do the job. Guilt - pfft! As I'm sure you know from CBT, should, must and ought statements lie behind that and those statements are as worthy of notice as Donald Trump's tweets or a headline in The Daily Star. If you had a broken leg would you feel guilty about not running a marathon? If I was in your position would you tell me I should feel guilty for not working? Would you judge and condemn a friend the way you judge and condemn yourself? Are you able to leave making commandments up to God?
23 - not exactly ancient (giggle) I left school at 15 and didn't start building a career until my first decent bit of counseling in my mid thirties and it is only now that I am doing a job I enjoy. I wish I'd not wasted most of my twenties doing jobs I hated because I felt worthless if I was not employed. I wish I'd not made myself feel worse when I was too ill to work by beating myself up for not working. You've loads of time to explore life! To take time to smell the roses.
As a Catholic atheist ( ^) contradiction I know but Catholic education runs deep (giggle) ) I know that guilt is our thing and I'm so glad and, mega impressed, that you have decided to focus on what you actually want to do, not what you feel you should do. (clap)
Thanks for letting us know about the interview and that your mood has lifted a little.
Speed boat ride, FUN! and all the other nice things you have planned YAY! (party).
You are an amazing person and deserve some fun and pleasure. Hope you enjoy!
Take care and I hope to hear more from you soon.
xxx
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Em, please do get those bloods done asap... It is important and I too am really impressed that it's only 4 weeks for a psych appointment!
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Well, it's actually been almost a three month wait for the psych appointment... It will just be at least a four week wait since the ED started getting in touch with them to speed up the appointment ;)
I will get the bloods done, Suzi. I did try today as my mother is actually a phlebotomist but she couldn't get them so I'll have her do them for next Monday. I was just feeling a bit cheesed off, that's all.
ATTMP, thank you. Everything you said about the job... You're totally right. I heard back from the community regarding my application today and they will be in touch soon about an interview. (clap) Speed boat was awesome!
Thanks all x
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That's so cool that your Mum can do them for you! :)
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No pin cushion arms from nursing assistants essentially playing darts (badly) for Em!
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Haha yeah Suzi! It's handy alright... Or 'arm-y' ;)
Haha, ATTMP! Bless her, she gets so stressed when she can't get them and I get so nervous when she takes them but we never let on to each other! She's a real gem though! (happy)
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Hi all!
Hope everyone's doing as okay as they can be right now. :)
I'm not in a very good place at all and I needed somewhere to rant and air my hurting brain. I don't even know if anyone will read this. :s Anyways, here goes.
My depression has become a hell of a lot worse lately. I think now I've achieved everything I set out to do and I've always had a goal ahead of me which gave me hope and something to work for... but now, summer's ending and it feels like everything's been 'wrapped up' if that makes sense? I need a goal because otherwise everything can feel so pointless and hopeless, and with the evening's slowly getting darker and winter coming.... :s
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I'm struggling to fill my days. Physically, I've become too weak to work (no pity here as it's mostly self-inflicted) and my energy levels peak for an hour or so but then I'm depleted. I did the ironing the other day for an hour or so and had to lie down on the bed for a while before returning to it. I also get really dizzy in the shower and struggle to muster up the strength to clean the bath out after having one. I take short little walks through the day to help boost the old mood but my legs get wobbly and all I do to attempt to fix that is drink a can of sugar-free diet coke? ^)
Mentally, I'm washed out. Sometimes, I can still appear to be alright and even just totally fine to others... but I'm finding more and more that I'm just getting overwhelmed by the simplest of things. Like yesterday, I couldn't even tie a cushion on a garden chair and sometimes I can't be bothered with washing the dishes. It's like an overwhelming sense of 'I absolutely could not give a crap about this and I absolutely can not do it'.
These reasons have been why I've finally accepted my inability to be at work. (As much as I want to work, I have easily had over 25 jobs this last year and have quit/walked out/walked out after swearing at the manager which is SO not my personality, and it came to the point where I have finally said 'Enough now!') They've always been the SAME job and I have fully committed to myself never to do this type of job again! At the start of this year when I was feeling better (but still not my usual self), I applied for different jobs... childcare and in the charity sector, but didn't get them or felt too anxious and intimidated by other professional staff to go ahead with them.) I didn't have any support around me then to have helped me get through this so I kept taking the crap jobs, got treated like rubbish, got into vulgar environments, and worked too many hours and left due to mental and physical exhaustion until about a month ago I decided to stop work.) Since then, I still have the odd 'I really want to work again!' thought, but now my body and my mind have continued to become much worse and I'm just too sick for it.
I'm also experiencing a MASSIVE amount of stress. There's no real stress going on around me but I feel stressed by the simplest of things. I currently have family staying with me which includes two screaming children and it honestly melts my brain like nails on a chalkboard. This paired with my brother's total lack of understanding about mental illness (He says things at 11pm to me like 'Why are you so tired? You need to fill your days more so you're not so tired all the time.' before he goes to sleep in my bed whilst I happily take the sofa. I am trying by visiting different members of family and I even booked myself onto a youth camping retreat but if I go, I spend most of my time sleeping up there and come home early or I cancel (if it's not family-related, like the youth event) at the last minute because I just know it will be too much for me. It's like setting myself up to fail!!
I'm currently under a tier 3 eating disorder mental health team. The occupational therapist I see three times weekly has been off on leave for two weeks. In the meantime, the ED Team Leader has filled in for her with two phone calls and another phone call promise that never came. Which, as you can imagine, has been a massive help?! (swear) I've had to chase up my psychiatric appointment by contacting the CMHT, tier 3 and tier 2 services to get them all to communicate with each other. I shouldn't have to be the one who does this!!! So the last couple of weeks have honestly been awful. I've gotten a lot worse.
Thankfully, I did meet the CPN who will be my care coordinator from the CMHT last week. She was really annoyed about the lack of support from the ED services and promised to 'kick them up the bum!' for me! (giggle) FINALLY, I am starting on AD medication. I really liked her and the psychiatrist and they took all my concerns into consideration when prescribing so that today when I took my first pill, I don't have any anxiety or fear about it... but only hope. (nod) She is meeting with me next week to draw up a community care plan. I felt like I could finally breathe when she told me this! I really do want to get well.
The OT is back this coming week too so it will be nice to have someone popping in to check I'm okay and dropping the odd text in between. It's reassuring to know there's someone I can call on, you know? My eating is really poor though. I eat as little as 300 calories a day and max at about 400-450. I'm so hungry and weak. It's not anorexia this time, it's like some kind of self-punishment for this depression. I've started taking laxatives too and I have no idea why. They don't exactly work on no food anyways!! (giggle)
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The ED team also said they will be able to offer me therapy, too. But it's yet to be explained as to what that is exactly. I continue to see my CBT therapist weekly though and she is fantastic.
She works for a mental health charity that offer a voluntary work scheme for sufferers of mental illness. It's a big, beautiful gardening project! They're due to get back to me shortly. I feel it would be a nice opportunity. Therapeutic, new skills, a supportive environment. :) I would like to maybe do a course in massage therapy at some point, too. Mostly because I love massage, because it's different and because people say I'm goo at giving massages! But these are little hopes for the future. I'm trying to go day by day. I've been doing little things like playing the keyboard again, baking, watching films.... Not much helps if I'm honest but even just short bursts of some activity are good. I do have a spa day booked for next week though which I am so excited for. I'm only 23 but I have so much pain. It seems that all that's helping me at the moment is taking long, hot baths and doing my stretches afterwards, watching TV and movies to distract me and chatting with/being around family. Walking on the beach sometimes helps, as does baking the occasional something which I never eat. So yeah. Day by day. I'm not spending my days in bed all day anymore which is always a plus (although I do take massive naps)
I flirted with the idea of going to some support groups. One is an eating disorder one but I felt that would be triggering and it's also difficult to go to a group for depression and anxiety if you suffer with depression and anxiety!! They're also like a two and a half hour bus ride there and back too which is a bit of an outing and I don't want to go alone but don't have anyone who would come. I do use a daily online support group though for ED sufferers which helps a lot! (y)
I also have an appointment with the job centre on Tuesday to discuss training, volunteering and placement opportunities. This is something that I would really like to explore and access! Even if it's just tiny baby weeny steps for now. I hope to go back to volunteering with the homeless once weekly too. This was something I used to LOVE and was the highlight of my week!
I decided this morning before scrawling down this never-ending post that I would give the community care plan at least one month-six weeks through the whole of September and maybe into October where I really try to get myself feeling better. But, if things don't improve or get worse... I think I'll have to spend some time somewhere as an inpatient. The same place that run this gardening project actually have an inpatient place not so far from my home which I feel would be the type of place I would be happy to go into. I REFUSE to go to an eating disorder place because major depression is at the core here and the not-eating is caused by my depression this time. (ALL the professionals and my family agree on this). And I don't want to go down the general hospital road on a psychiatric ward... We'll see what happens. (nod)
There's a rehab centre I've been looking into, too. I know people who have gone there and I know it's incredible. But that would be in Italy or Bosnia and I'm in the UK.
But now, it's today. If you made it through this waffle, thanks for reading.
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Sweetheart you've been really going through it - why didn't you post?
Hunni, you know all the lectures about food and bodies as engines and fuel, so I'm not going to give you any - but instead of eating something like 3 meals a day, could you break it up so you have little and often instead?
That gardening place and inpatient place sound good and it's good that you've a plan in place if things don't see more of an upturn in the near future.
Keep talking lovely.
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Can I just say that, even though I know it's unimaginably hard right now and even the smallest thing seems impossible to deal with, you ARE dealing with it, you're making plans to help yourself, you're pushing the right people to get things done, you're refusing to give up. And I am so very proud of you!
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Hey Suzi :) Thank you!
I don't know why I didn't post. I had the thoughts around 'I don't want to be a burden' and such. Silly, I know, but there we are. Now I've vented! (whew)
We're all hoping that the medication will lift my mood and that from there other things will help too and then the eating will improve. Time will tell!
Yeah, I always have to have a few positive goals even if they seem to be getting smaller and more basic (but still always realistic) as time goes by! (wasntme) And the recovery centre is a positive safety net, yeah. Hopefully I won't need it but the way I see it... If I go there or even if I am admitted to hospital, it's because I NEED to be there, right?
But I'm in a better place tonight than I was last night and this morning so that's a good thing. (y) Thankfully, I have a wonderful and supportive family around me. Things would otherwise have become a hell of a lot worse for me.
I hope you're doing as well as you can be, Suzi. Thanks for always posting back. It means a lot. :) xx
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Aww thank you so much, Paula! That's so kind of you! (panda)
I guess we just have to keep going, hey?
I hope everything is okay with you. Thanks for posting. Really means a lot! xx
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You are working hard and that's immensely important and shows how desperate you are to get well. I'm proud of you lovely.
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Thanks Suzi.
I do feel pretty desperate to get well, yeah... It is a positive that I'm not giving up. I can't just give up.
I think we just have a way of dealing with what comes our way.
Thanks for always being so positive and encouraging xx
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I try ;)
Thing is, you're the one doing all the hard work. All I'm doing is waving pompoms and doing motivational chanting on the sidelines lovely.
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Yes, but sometimes Suzi it's all that pompom waving and motivational chanting that can make all the difference! ;)
Met my care plan co-coordinator last week anyways and she came to the house yesterday to write my care plan with me. She's really nice and very pro-active. I like her and feel I can trust her. (y)
I've been on 50mg sertraline for a week. Early days yet but no nasty side effects. I certainly feel more energised and seem to have responded well to them so far. (nod)
Have been keeping myself busy as always taking beach walks, spending time with family and enjoying time at a local spa pool! I'm definitely going back to swim and the spa more regularly as it's a real de-stresser and mood-booster for me! (y) I've definitely been more motivated this last week too with gardening, doing chores, ironing and even fruit-picking!
Looking to slowly get back to volunteering and hope to start a course in reflexology at college one night a week starting in a couple of weeks. Gently-gently! The future seems more positive but I'm still looking day to day.
CPN care coordinator is arranging DBT or CBT therapy sessions for me through the tier 2 service. I should get an initial appointment in a couple of weeks. The therapist will be able to provide me with a set block of 12 sessions on what she feels I need to focus on, e.g. low self-confidence and depression.
The OT is back off leave from the eating disorder services. I get my blood test results back tomorrow and hopefully all will be well with those. She's coming out to see me on Monday so we can catch up then. (y)
So all in all, things are better than last time I posted!
Hope everything is as good as it can be with you all!
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You've achieved loads! Well done :)
Before I became really ill, I was a Holistic Therapist inc reflexology. It's incredible hard work but so rewarding. The only thing I will say is you need to create a bubble around yourself to stop soaking in all your clients negativity. It takes practise and I wasn't very good at it which wasn't a problem until my MH worsened.
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Thanks Paula! :)
Wow being a holistic therapist sounds great. I actually love massage therapy and spending time at the spa and personally it's something that helps relax me and helps my mental health. A lot of my family say that I'm very good at giving massages too! So I was thinking it may be something that I'd actually like to do. There's a full time course in complementary therapy starting at a local university next year and there's an open day in October. I'm no way near ready for full time enrollment now! But it would be a great thing to work for. (happy) In the meantime, the reflexology would be a little thing for me (and for my fellow massage-loving family members who I'm sure would want me to try it out on them haha! ;) )
Thanks for the advise though. What you mean by clients negativity? Just the way they acted or?
xx
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Most clients come for help. And their emotions pour out of them in their body language, voice, muscles etc. It's so easy to take that on and hard to let go of
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I'm not trying to put you off at all, keeping that barrier is a skill to be learnt, that's all ;)
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Ah no, not at all Paula! That's good advice and something definitely to be aware of! Thanks :) xx
I'll be aware of keeping that barrier, I have enough problems of my own lol ;)
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Wow you sound so happy and bubbly! Are you really feeling that good?
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I am feeling pretty good yeah, Suzi!
I feel really energised. Not in a manic way but a good way. Like, I used to play piano and haven't practised in years but tonight I spent a whole hour on the keyboard and really enjoyed! This was after doing all the ironing and cleaning up. I also woke up singing this morning as I was getting ready and last night went for a walk down the beach and felt like I could run if that makes sense? I haven't felt like I could have the energy to run in ages! (I didn't actually run for the record haha.)
You think it's the sertraline?! I won't knock it. I'm going with the flow here!
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Keep an eye on it lovely ;) It does all sound very positive and I'm really happy for you.
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Thanks Suzi :) I will. I'm enjoying it whilst it lasts but I know a crash may come (as much as I hope it doesn't!!)
Another great day so far my end though. (y)
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That's brilliant! Long may they continue coming lovely!
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Thank you both :)
I don't know if I'm just rambling away to myself randomly here but it helps to get things out, you know....?
I had a great weekend. I was flying high at times. But the crash came Saturday night. I knew it would. :s Spent all day Sunday crying and huddled in a blanket watching films and all day today in bed....
The OT came from the ED services today and started going on about me heading towards being admitted to hospital. I would be admitted onto a gastric ward (not a psychiatric ward as I had thought...?) to be fed through an NG feeding tube. I was tube-fed for nine months when I was eleven years old but then I totally refused all food and drink. Now, I actually eat and drink (granted not all that much). So she said if I ate, I wouldn't be admitted to hospital for re-feeding but that I'm heading that way? It all seems a bit unclear but myself and those closest to me have accepted that if it goes this way, it will have to just bloody go this way. It is what it is - an illness.
They want to keep me in the community though so I just need to make sure my weight doesn't go any lower. (My BMI is currently 13.2 and I'm not even trying to be anorexic which is weird...) Remarkably, my bloods are okay too so that goes in my favour.
Mood-wise, I am feeling a little stronger tonight now all the rubbish mood is out of my system so hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. I'm increasing the medication to 100mg sertraline at the weekend too and I'm seeing my therapist Friday who I haven't had a session with in a few weeks.
The gardening project were in touch, too. I missed their call so will phone them back tomorrow. I also have an interview for a weekend job as I can do permitted work with the ESA.
Hope all is as good as it can be with you. Thanks for reading.
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I'm glad that they are there for you and that your mood has improved.
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Thanks Angie.
Good days and bad, hey? The more I accept that and go with the flow on particularly awful days, the easier it will get I hope...
I hope you're doing as well as you can be xx
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There will always be days that are better than others, but getting through the bad ones is always a win.