All so gorgeous .....
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All so gorgeous .....
So gorgeous! Paula has gorgeous dogs too! :)
Pics please
The white one is almost 11 yo Polo and the black one is 13 yo Luna
https://image.ibb.co/hUTTTH/E0_CF1_A...05_F3_FA66.jpg
https://image.ibb.co/mCT6Fx/14_BB2_E...0_A298_A42.jpg
https://preview.ibb.co/b6zDvx/E7465_...23_A273_A2.jpg
Lovely!! I love greyhounds
Ok, so it has been 4 days since we have spoken. That may seem like nothing but I feel like I should message him but I don't know what to say. I know I want to know what he means, as to whether he no longer wants our relationship or not but I am also conscious he has asked for space so any kind of pressure I put on him will make him feel worse....I have been keeping myself busy but the not knowing is really not good or fair on me. What do you ladies think?
If it were me I’d probably have pushed for answers but there’s a reason lol. Someone once said that you have to give enough time for them to miss you and realise what they stand to lose. Sounds like good advice to me.
I agree. I'd say wait a week and then send him a message - something along the lines of, "I haven't heard from you in a week which is fine as I know you needed some space, but I just wanted to check up on you and us" and see what is said... But then make it clear he can't do this to you as it's just not fair.
So it’ll be a week tomorrow since the BF asked for space.....I have spoken to a mutual friend who works with him who has said he has been grumpy all week. He has attended a counselling session today and is out on his bike tomorrow. I have been stupid and been retreading our messages just before he asked for his space and I’m now leaning towards he wanted a break up. The friend has suggested to me not to contact him as you guys have as it will allow him time to miss me. But she also thinks if I go to him he will repeat this behaviour in future. As I’m still on the fence as to whether this means us breaking up or not I’m lying awake in bed so anxious and can’t sleep. I’m not sure what to expect as no one can tell me what to do or in fact tell me what he wants......this is so hard :( x
It is hard - it's the not knowing. But honestly your friend is right.
How are you today?
I’m ok. I’m trying to stay strong. But the not knowing is driving me crazy. I have been focusing on myself all week and have done a few things around the house. I got my hair done yesterday but I have pretty bad anxiety today. I know I shouldn’t contact him but part of me knows he is too stubborn and proud to get in touch too. But if he still having a downer then it will be because he doesn’t feel good enough for me and that I’m just going to leave like everyone else. My patience is very very low now. As he knows he can talk to me and I know it isn’t that easy but he could just say whether he wanted to break up or not. He’s not clarified that. Space is fine as I know he needs it. Im just a little tired of being supportive now. I feel better than I did a few days ago but today I’m just feeling as though he doesn’t care. And like we’ve discussed it may be because he doesn’t feel anything. I’m keeping busy again today and I have plans for the weekend. Itlll be the evenings that are worst as I get no sleep due to being so anxious when I stop and come Monday I have no plans so I’ll feel worse.....I e applied to study for my PGCE. A bit late in life but I hate my current job and have always loved working with children so fingers crossed I get in but that won’t start for some time anyway. I can’t make him get in touch and I do think he needs to make the first move otherwise I am chasing him and during our relationship I have always supported him so if he doesn’t know that now I’m not sure what else I can say anyway......
Sorry for the rant. I spent most of the night playing over different scenarios in my head if he got in touch and we did actually talk and I know what I will say to him but he just needs to make that move.....the sun is out today so I am hoping he goes for a ride with his friend and chats to him a little and maybe see sense. I’m just so sad :(
Oh hunni (panda). I’m a bit old fashioned but could you perhaps send him a card just to say get well and that you’re thinking of him? It’s not putting any pressure on him, just letting him know you’re there for him ..
Maybe a card is a good idea. I just don’t want to go round there.....I have keys to his place and a lot of his stuff.....
I’ll give it today, see if he gets out on his bike and messages me later on.....
Maybe a card tomorrow and get someone else to drop it off for me.....
That's a great idea about the get well soon card..
So he hasn’t been out with his friend. I am going to contact him. I cant just leave this and not contact him as it is just strange. I’ m currently drafting up what to write but no words are coming into my head as the response I am expecting is going to be negative......wish things were easy sometimes :(
Ok I have messaged him.....I just wrote some along the line of what Suzi has suggested. Thanks for the card idea Paula. Was a great suggestion, that just would have taken me longer to sort and I’m at breaking point now. I’ll see what he says.....thanks for your support all xx
He’s broken up with me....has said he loves me but he likes being on his own. And finds being in a relationship pressurising not that I have particularly done anything but a relationship is not for him. I’m utterly heart broken.....
I'm so sorry it's finished lovely... Concentrate on being kind to yourself lovely...
Saw a friend tonight, she knows me better than anyone. Talked to her about everything. She made me realise a few things. My BF has been seeing a counsellor and ever since then he has raved about her. The mutual friend he works with has seen the same woman. Now she has said although this counsellor is good, she is not amazing as my BF always made out. Both these discussions have led me to think that all this time my boyfriend has been trying to convince himself or even me that he is getting better. And he knows I am good for him. So in that way thinks I am too good for him and that is the pressure he is referring to. The pressure he puts on himself to be better for me.....am I making any sense? I have thought long and hard and I want to write him a letter. Not that I think it will achieve anything but I have feelings I need him to know. And I also want to leave him with something to help him on his journey to recovery. He wanted to be friends and I told him I couldn’t do that. That’s something I cannot do whilst still in love with him and I think that will be for a very long time. I am not sure whether this is sensible but it won’t feel finished to me until I do. This break up has unsettled me as there is no ‘reason’. I guess that’s the thing about depression and anxiety. It isn’t logical it is just a feeling that is out of our control. I just hope he knows what an impact he has had on my life and how much I am going to miss that. Maybe this letter won’t get that across but I can try.
Crying myself to sleep tonight won’t change anything but it’s all I can do tonight at least......
Ok, I’m sorry about the break up and that you are hurting but I can’t let this go...
What exactly are you trying to say? That he only broke up with you because of his illness? Believe me depression is not “just a feeling out of our control”. Do you have any idea how many people join this forum to help their partners with depression AFTER a break up? And how many of them blame the illness for the break up? Yes, depression does warp your thoughts, makes you push people away and act irrationally but it infuriates me when depression is always blamed for the break up. I’m gonna ask you now why you joined this forum and I want you to be honest. If he hadn’t asked for “space” and hurt you in the process would you really have sough out this forum?
I think the true reason so many broken hearts join here is to find a way back in using the illness as a back door. That they believe the partner doesn’t really mean it and it’s only the illness talking. As a sufferer myself I can tell you that depression is just as likely to make a person stay in a relationship they may not want to be in because they don’t have the courage to end it, or are scared they won’t find someone else cos no one else will want them. I also know how hard it is to be with someone when you’re not well and feeling smothered my their partner cos it’s all too much to deal with and it sounds like this is where your fellas at. It’s not about you having done anything wrong or him not lot loving you, but sometimes it’s easier to cope on your own. It’s hard work fighting your own mind and even harder having to worry about someone else as well.
I get that you’re hurting, I really do but if you love him it’s probably best to leave him be. Best for you and for him.
This is actually the first forum I have been on since being with my partner that was actually helping me. I have been on other forums and no one responds. So when I found this forum it was my intention to stay due to the friendly and responsive nature of it.
In my state of mind when I posted this last night it was not my intention to summerise depression in one sentence but was merely to open up a conversation with people on here to gain some understanding. I have a brother who suffers from depression and has done for 20 odd years now and also have an Aunty who suffers with mental illness so I already have more of an understanding than you may think, however being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness is very different. I am sorry that you took offence to my post but that’s the thing about written words, they don’t always reflect exactly what you mean. Which in turn has answered my question and I won’t be writing him a letter.
I do not think he broke up with me just because of the illness because I know how hard it was for him to do in the first place. But that is the reason he has given me. So my last post was an attempt to gain some understanding as to why he felt he couldn’t tell me the main reason, if in fact it wasn’t his illness.
I did not and would not ever smother someone.
Again apologies for causing offence but I will be leaving the forum as I am clearly not welcome.
All the best.
Hey it’s cool. Not saying you are smothering him, that’s not the same as feeling smothered. I broke up with someone a year ago for pretty much the same thing. I simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of a relationship. As I said it’s hard enough trying to cope with your own problems without having to worry about the effect you’re having on someone else. It’s easy to see yourself as a burden on others and “kinder” to end it than have them suffer alongside you. I know from your side that isn’t the way you see it but that doesn’t mean his decision isn’t right for him. It’s one less stress/worry to deal with and he probably doesn’t want to be alone but right now he can’t be in a relationship. By being “just friends” he gets to have you in his life without any pressure or commitment and that I think is unfair on you cos it sounds like you still want and need more from him than that and if he can’t offer that it’s definitely best for you to walk away.
I wasn’t trying to be nasty, just making an observation that we got more broken hearts trying to get back with a depressed partner than people in a new relationship wanting help living with this illness of partners with new diagnoses looking for information which to me, I see a huge difference between them.
Actually I'm going to disagree with Stella on this... I think you should write the letter - you need to get it out of your head and actually I think you might be partially right in what you are saying.
I still vividly recall the time when my now husband said to me that he didn't know if he loved me or not. He knew he had loved me before he had a breakdown, and he couldn't see why it would have changed, but he didn't know how he felt there and then. He also didn't know if he was hungry or thirsty so I just switched on autopilot and made him food and a drink when I was doing something for anyone else.
I told him that I loved him enough for both of us. Smothering? Maybe...
Don't leave the forum over 1 post lovely.. We aren't all going to agree all the time..
Sorry ladies just the mindset I’m in at the moment. I totally understand that you don’t always agree and I never sought this forum out to hear what I wanted I just felt I had upset and that was never my intention. I had written the letter last night anyway and after seeing Stella’s post this morning I had decided not to. My initial thoughts were to leave it a few days anyway because I know yesterday would have been draining for him and I also know he is away collecting his new van that he has always wanted with a friend today (he told me yesterday). I’m unsure what to do at this point now. Our mutual friend is coming round for a brew this morning to check in on me and I’ll probably have a bit of a vent to her.
It’s funny Suzi seems so simple but I couldn’t put into words what I was meaning but that ‘love enough for both of us is exactly it’.
I don’t for one minute want him to do something that is not good for him but I honestly think that being alone is not the answer for him and maybe it is just something he feels works because he hasn’t met the right person.
This is all what I think and it’s all maybes but I’m a big believer in love and support going a long way to helping anyone.
Do you think this is me proving myself to him though?!? Does he need to know I’m strong enough?! I’m not sure that’s what it is.......
Maybe you just need to tell him how YOU feel?
Ok, so letter has been sent. Whether he replies, I don’t know. Whether he even reads it, I don’t know but I was honest, caring and asked him to be honest back.
Hope that you get an answer soon lovely. One way or another...
No response from him but I’d expect he will take a bit to reply even if he did. But his mum messaged me this morning so I’m pretty sure his decision is made.
I just want to help him so much but I can’t be his friend when I still love him.
What did his Mum say?
Sweetheart never say never...
Well my mum bakes and is making his cousins birthday cake. I had messaged his mum to get her partners number as he is organising it and I have taken myself off social media since this all happened because I can’t bear to see anything. She responded with the number and just said she’s sorry as her and his dad had bumped into him at the super market. We usually go round to hers on a Sunday night for tea so he’ll be there tonight. She said she didn’t know details but that it was none of her business. I just replied thanking her for the number and letting her know that I would never do that as putting her in the middle isn’t fair. She just replied saying it wasn’t that, it’s just that she didn’t think he would like her interfering. Which I know he wouldn’t and I get that because I wouldn’t either. I haven’t replied since as I don’t think there is any need to.
Right now I’m hurting, I’m hurting because I’m not really sure how he is and want to talk to him but I know that’s not good for me because it’ll make me hope. I know he hasn’t responded yet and that’s even if he’s going to but I think I am fooling myself. Hope is a very powerful thing isn’t it, and if you don’t have it life would be pretty sad but having sometimes really sucks as it makes things harder. Does that make sense?! I am keeping busy as is a must for break ups but this doesn’t feel right to me. And I’m not saying it has to for it to be right for him. I’m just confused I guess. During his ups and his downs he always loved the fact that I took care of him and I just wish he would have been able to tell me when he felt this pressure building as re-reading Stella’s post it is kind of sinking in that although he doesn’t want to be alone any pressure is hard for him......the letter I wrote had all my feelings down and how I wanted to support him but couldn’t be friends and I suppose never say never is true. But if I am not there for him now who’s to say he would ever want to open up to me again in the future.
I know I am waffling and all I really want is for him to reply to my message and say he is just having a tough time but really does need me in his life and sees a further with me. Because he has said it to me just recently......
(bear) It's going to hurt until you know what's what lovely. Be kind to yourself
Oh lovely, I’m so sorry (panda)
Thanks ladies. I’ve still not heard from him but I am understanding a little more. It just hurts. This isn’t me feeling sorry for myself in any which way I just have supported him for so long and given him leeway on so many things that I just thought he felt the same.....I had debated posting his key back through his door but I may leave it for the week and give him some space and me and see if he is willing to talk later this week and we can get stuff back etc. I have woke up this morning feeling more like I possibly could be his friend but the thought of him with someone else tears me up inside.....is he being genuine do you think and wants me in his life that way or do you think he was just saying it?! I guess being in touc with him as a friend would hurt because I wouldn’t be able to gain from it what I want. I’m hoping some more time will give me clarity....
I have had counselling in the past and am looking to go back to help me process all this.
I think counselling is a really sensible approach lovely. Don't forget there are specialist counselling services such as Relate - and you can go on your own.
Thanks Suzi, there isn’t a relate near me. So I’ll try my old counsellor. He was more CBT really but will hopefully help.
Friends can happen if that’s what you both really want, but it takes time and you both need space. I’m friends with my ex husband but we did have the added bond of our daughter. For now, I’d suggest you get yourself sorted first and think about what’s next when you’re feeling strong enough to handle it
Absolutely agree with Paula. You need to work out how you feel and give yourself time to grieve what you thought you were going to have - because even if he does say that he wants you to get back together your relationship has changed....
I am with you ladies. Although I don’t think he will want to get back together. Once his mind is made up that’s it. He always said as well that an ex is an ex for a reason. I keep going over things thinking I missed something and maybe he was trying to tell me this without directly saying it. I’m not a mind reader though and I guess if he can’t figure it out I’m not going to be able to.
Just take it one day at a time lovely and make sure you build in time to do something nice and be kind to yourself...