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You have your family.... That's your place. You were meant to be there..... You are meant to be there to take care of J, but more importantly those little people and show them what love is and by the way you talk about them you really do love them.... and they love you...
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That post made my heart happy :) I am so, so, so happy for you :)
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I love them like they were my own already. I've even told T that I would be proud to have a son like him. It just hurts that I will never be called mum.
I think I'm lucky with J too. My methods work was difficult today. I had to watch a video of a psychologist talking about how he uses qualitative methods in his research. There was just no warning that his research was on infertility... J has checked if I'm ok several times since I told him and has promised hugs when he gets home.
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I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel but I promise you, carrying a foetus in your womb for 9 months doesn’t make you a mother. What you have with those children is everything and they may not be biologically yours but it’s obvious that in a short space of time they have come to love you unconditional and that is because you are everything a mother needs to be. Never sell yourself short mate.
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Stella is totally spot on. I've seen women who've given birth and treat their children like crap. I've seen women who use their children like bargaining chips or just for child benefit etc and then I've seen women who have stepped in and have been the most amazing Mum's I've ever known - I'm including you and a good friend of mine who is a foster carer and who has provided a safe home for so many and permanent homes too. Honestly, giving birth does not make you a Mum... Love, respect and understanding make you a Mum.... If they don't call you Mum, why not choose another name they - and just they - can call you? Everyone calls you Jaq or your name, why not see if they wanted to find another name for you? Not "Mum" but one that shows your bond?
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I wanted to say something, but I don't want to upset you.....
On your fab 5's you said spending time with "J's little people" - I can't possibly understand that they aren't "our little people"... No one does what you do for those little people unless you love and adore them. They may not be biologically yours, but in every other (and most important) ways they are yours too... You read with them, you craft, you bake cakes, you listen, you make them feel loved and valued, you've changed their rooms, you've created a wonderful space in the playhouse and they've got so much from you....
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Still doesn't make them mine
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Of course they’re yours. In the same way Katie is Si’s. that doesn’t take away from her relationship with her dad - it’s just she’s got 2 dad’s who adore her (lucky girl!)
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I disagree with you Jaq - I think that it definitely does make them yours if you want them to be. You love them right? You miss them when they aren't there? Love spending time with them? Are interested in what they do/think/feel?
You may not be "Mum" but you can have another very special word that only they get to call you. You are amazing.
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I'm not discussing this here as you don't understand how it feels for me. Last time this topic came up you all managed to make me feel completely inadequate that I can't just shrug off this desire to have a child of my own. Just because I'm like a mum to J's children doesn't make it hurt any less and you all made me feel like it was wrong to still feel so much pain over this, that how I felt was wrong. This is why I haven't posted. So I'm going to say very clearly that this subject is off limits.
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I'm really sorry you feel so misunderstood and hurt. You are totally right, I have no idea how it feels and I'm sorry if that pain has felt diminished. I guess people were trying to help but got it wrong. My best friend is in a similar position to you and eventually found some degree of peace about her medical facts but it still hurts her at times. I guess it always will, I just hug her extra hard at those times so I'm sending you a hug too. (panda)
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Jaq, I’m sorry but I can’t just leave that there. I got that you would desperately love to have children of your own and it’s unfair that the possibility of that happening is so remote. Life can be so cruel especially when you are a natural around kids (I heard a rumour you used to be you).
I can’t speak for everyone else but I absolutely stand by all that I said. You are a special person and I know how much you struggle with this subject. In your head you’ll never have your own family but you’re wrong. You knew from the start that being with J meant the kids came too as part of the package. Let’s imagine for one minute that you conceived, carried and gave birth to a child of your own. Would you treat that child any differently to J’s two? You and both no the answer to that question is no so what exactly is the difference? You have taken on the role of Mum and doing a hell of a better job than the egg donor who spat them out!!! Accept it.
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Oh it's absolutely fine then that I'm infertile! Silly me getting so upset about not being able to do what I'm biologically supposed to do. I'm gaining 2 step-children so not being able to conceive doesn't matter! I should be grateful for them rather than mourning the child I will never have every time I see yet another pregnancy announcement! I get where I'm going wrong now!!!
I have never once said that I will nevet have my own family, J and the children are my family. I've said about how much it hurts not being able to have my own child but thanks for proving that people here don't understa.
Off limits means off limits. If people can't respect that then I'll just stop posting anything remotely personal here as I need to be able to trust the people I'm opening up to.
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I’ll just stfu then. It’s not like I actually give a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) about you but hey I don’t understand
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You have children so how can you possibly understand??? You don't understand or you would never have asked me what the difference was between having a child of my own and having A and T in my life.
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I'm going to send you a pm. This was me who started this. I'm sorry.