I came very close to letting my guard down

Its been quite a bad week for me as my life is always full of problems none of which I have made, they are things that just happen. I woke up a couple of days ago in as very bad place the thought of work made me feel worse. The dark thoughts crept in and whilst I was putting my face on I thought I am not sure I can do this anymore. I did choose to go to work but what a day. I am sick of carrying the can for other people who can't bed bothered working. It all falls on my shoulders as part of my job.

My manager is quite young and not really emotionally mature enough to be in a position of authority but the business still ticks along ,you just have to be sure you don't reveal too much about your inner self. On another level I do occasionally socialise with my manager, we laugh, chat about men, prat around and do practical jokes. We get along quite well in work. I said I needed to chat about a couple of the staff and it would keep until we were in work together. I wanted to chat face to face not on social media. I ended up saying that I have had enough of life, I don't want to be in work anymore and I can't go on because I am not myself anymore. I have never said this to anyone apart from on here. Then I kicked myself for revealing my inner self.

To cut a long story short the reply I got was ......I hope you are OK and I am here if you need to chat. Its awful when your trying to tell someone you are struggling with life and they listen but don't really listen if you know what I mean. Besides I could never open my soul to my manager as I have learned the hard way secrets are never secrets for long.

At this moment in time I am at a cross road. My future is going to be hard , this is as fact. Who wants to work a sixty hour week to make ends meet ? Life is difficult enough and I often ask myself what is it I have done to deserve such abandonment. I have no family to turn to , no one to help me in a crisis, no relationship. My life is fraught with difficulty, has been since I was a child. Yes I have my teens they have their own lives and I do not wish them to shoulder my burdens. Inside I am empty. I feel like the last person on earth. Unloved and unwanted.

Not sure why I wrote all this its not a cheery post. I suppose You could say I have had enough of this mental torture and I am too exhausted to think straight. Its not advice I am after I wanted to get things off my chest because there is no where else to do it.

Sometimes you just have to let it out, and this is a safe place to do that. You don’t have to put on a smile and pretend all is well in the world when I’m reali you’re climbing the walls looking for an escape from the crap that life throws your way.

Getting things off your chest is a good start. I have found a lot of peace here on this forum. There is no judgment, only people who feel the same way as you and who completely understand what it is your feeling. Keep sharing your feelings, it really does help. At some point in our lives, we all feel completely unwanted and useless, its the struggle to fight that feeling that is hard i think. Keep chatting with us, i hope you feel better xoxo

I am thankful for this forum. Its the isolation and loneliness besides dealing with the way I feel is killing me. Work is different you are forced to interact with people who are only work colleagues. I am a walking shell of a person I used to be. I am only here for my teens to make sure they get through uni and college. Once they have left home I see nothing but bills, struggling and work. Worse still I can not be off work at the moment and can't afford to be off sick. I guess you can say I am at the end of my rope.

(bear)(bear) Remind me, are you on meds? Having counselling etc?

(panda)

(bear) (panda)