This feels so uncomfortable...

[Joe of Loath]

I saw this forum (over another member's shoulder, you know who you are. Also, you have a bony ass.), and thought 'What the hell'.

I don't feel I fit in here. 80% of the time, if more, I'm completely fine. Then something will push me over the edge (Anything. Troubles with very close friends, gender dysphoria etc) and I start feeling like s**t. Extreme apathy (I've barely left my room all day today for precisely that reason, couldn't even motivate myself to sort my damn web server out... Not like I'd be able to think up anything to write on the finished blog anyway.), suicidal thoughts. Lots of them. Thank f**k for the apathy, and being too much of a pussy to self harm (I hurt myself enough without meaning to anyway...) I've felt this way since I was about 12, but it's intensified the last 3 years or so.

People tell me it's normal teenage angst. Is it? Do they REALLY know how it feels? Does everyone feel like this, and I'm just affected by it more? I had a meeting with a psychologist a couple of years ago, and they didn't mention anything. But then again, it was a good day.

Anyway, that's my 'heart on my sleeve' bit done (This is suddenly a little less daunting.) I shall describe myself now.

I'm 17, and a genderfluid (Mostly between agender and male, although I've caught myself using female pronouns on a couple of occasions) Aromantic (Although I really wish I was romantic) Asexual. I'm almost-diagnosed aspie (Last appointment is on the 4th). I'm a Linux geek, crap engineer (I turned a kiddies quad bike into a party machine... Which broke on its first outing), terrible student (Uni is probably just a pipe dream) and minor delinquent (Dumpster diving, wooo!)

Anyway, there are now two things that may or may not happen. One is that I'll hang around the thread for a week or so then never post again, the other is that I'll become a post whore. Lets see how it pans out. I'll say tentatively that I won't be around much, as when I'm feeling good I won't see the need, and when I'm not I'll be lying face down in bed.

Man that's a lot of parenthesis.

[mistyeyed]

Hi Joe and welcome to the forum.  I'm sure you'll probably know that none of us are professionals here but we do have experience of depression/mental health issues either ourselves or through loved ones.

There are a lot of members who come and go as and when needed so don't worry about not fitting.  People use this place as and when, some find once they get on here it's cathartic to get their feelings out, others post once and disappear back into the ether and there will be others who may come on but don't post.  Use it as you feel right for you.

I've been diagnosed as having borderline personality traits.  Some of what you describe has similar traits so I can kind of understand where you're coming from suicidal ideations, extreme apathy, mood swings .  They're trying to get it renamed as emotional disregulation disorder it was explained to me that whereas most people might fire off when they hit 80% full, bpd often fire off sooner, at say 60%. Maybe you are more of an emotional thinker as I think most depressives and people with MH disorders are. They feel things more, not always a bad thing to the world but not always a comfortable thing to the person with the feelings. 

Teenage angst, I think everyone suffers it differently and hormones can play a big role.  I may not be a teenager anymore however when I have hormones kicking about everything is a lot harder to rationalise and deal with! 

I hope you find this a safe place to talk.  For me getting things out of my head can really help at times. 

[mummyhill]

Hi Joe and welcome to the group.

Non of us are professionals and we all offer advice based on our own experiences of depression and mental health issues.  All are welcomed and non are judged, we are here for the members of our community through bad times and good, in fact it is great to hear when people are doing well and to celebrate their successes with them as well as to be here to give help, support, advice or just a bit of a boost when the road gets a bit more difficult.

[Suzi]

Hi Joe and welcome! As has been said you are more than welcome whether you become a post whore or not lovely.

My son (9) has a full diagnosis of Aspies, as does my husband so I do have some understanding in that area too.

Anyways, you are more than welcome and it's nice to meet you.

[Joe of Loath]

Thanks for the welcome everyone!

Hi Joe and welcome to the forum.  I'm sure you'll probably know that none of us are professionals here but we do have experience of depression/mental health issues either ourselves or through loved ones.

There are a lot of members who come and go as and when needed so don't worry about not fitting.  People use this place as and when, some find once they get on here it's cathartic to get their feelings out, others post once and disappear back into the ether and there will be others who may come on but don't post.  Use it as you feel right for you.

I've been diagnosed as having borderline personality traits.  Some of what you describe has similar traits so I can kind of understand where you're coming from suicidal ideations, extreme apathy, mood swings .  They're trying to get it renamed as emotional disregulation disorder it was explained to me that whereas most people might fire off when they hit 80% full, bpd often fire off sooner, at say 60%. Maybe you are more of an emotional thinker as I think most depressives and people with MH disorders are. They feel things more, not always a bad thing to the world but not always a comfortable thing to the person with the feelings. 

Teenage angst, I think everyone suffers it differently and hormones can play a big role.  I may not be a teenager anymore however when I have hormones kicking about everything is a lot harder to rationalise and deal with! 

I hope you find this a safe place to talk.  For me getting things out of my head can really help at times. 

I'm sorry, I don't get what you mean with the '80% full' bit. I'm afraid you'll have to elaborate.

I don't think I am an emotional thinker. I actually have a lot of trouble with emotions, if someone asks me 'Are you excited about XXXXX event?', I reply 'I guess so', because I'm not actually sure if I'm excited or not. My replacement for 'happy' is 'contented', and feeling sad is replaced with either absolutely nothing (which is my default state, too) or just plain depressed. It took me a long while to figure out my gender and romantic and sexual orientation (Or lack thereof), as I really wasn't sure how I felt.

It's strange being me.

[Suzi]

Hun, it's strange being any one of us...

I get what you mean about emotions - Ben has too. He doesn't really understand them at all, yet goes from one emotion to the next in the blink of an eye - but always at extremes.. One of the joys of Aspies..

Are you on any medication? Have you spoken to any medical professionals about how you are feeling(or not)?
Do you get any exercise? Eat and sleep well?

WRT your gender and romantic and sexual orientation - in what way has it taken you a long time to work it out? Have you spoken to anyone about this?

[Joe of Loath]

Hun, it's strange being any one of us...

I get what you mean about emotions - Ben has too. He doesn't really understand them at all, yet goes from one emotion to the next in the blink of an eye - but always at extremes.. One of the joys of Aspies..

Are you on any medication? Have you spoken to any medical professionals about how you are feeling(or not)?
Do you get any exercise? Eat and sleep well?

WRT your gender and romantic and sexual orientation - in what way has it taken you a long time to work it out? Have you spoken to anyone about this?

I'm not on any medication, nor have I actually spoken in depth to any professionals. I Spoke to the school councillor, but she was an idiot Freudian (wanted to examine my dreams, as if random neurological firings could tell her anything about me...) so I didn't bother going back. I exercise regularly-ish and am generally quite fit. I eat well and generally sleep well, although I very occasionally get some insomnia.

I've been pretty sure I'm on the Asexual spectrum since around November, but it's taken me until now to work out exactly where. The same with my romantic orientation. Gender was easier to work out, and has been chugging away at the back of my mind since early June time I think. I've spoken to various friends on the internet, some of whom I've met in person since. That's helped, definitely.

[mistyeyed]

Re the 80% if you look at it like some people don't over heat at 30 degrees where as others (i.e. bpd) overheat at 18 degrees. It gets too hot and they really can't cope with things. 

I'm not always very good at explaining about my bpd but I think this section from wiki helps explain what I was trying to get across. 

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive  tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure. Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

The negative emotional states specific to BPD may be grouped into four categories: destructive or self-destructive feelings; extreme feelings in general; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative.

My use of emotional thinker was perhaps wrong or misleading.  The description above "of sensitivity to emotive stimuli" is more what I meant.  I have periods when I seem to feel nothing, I dissociate from the world and feel like I'm watching everything from afar especially after something has touched a nerve.  This tends to happen after a few nerves have been touched and instead of blowing out like I used to and hitting the self destruct button my coping mechanism has become to detach from my emotions.  Not ideal but often safer than acting on my usual impulses. 

Does this make sense or am I just rambling on more?!   

[lostfriend]

hello and welcome Joe , keep talking it dose help .

[Joe of Loath]

Re the 80% if you look at it like some people don't over heat at 30 degrees where as others (i.e. bpd) overheat at 18 degrees. It gets too hot and they really can't cope with things. 

I'm not always very good at explaining about my bpd but I think this section from wiki helps explain what I was trying to get across. 

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive  tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure. Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

The negative emotional states specific to BPD may be grouped into four categories: destructive or self-destructive feelings; extreme feelings in general; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative.

My use of emotional thinker was perhaps wrong or misleading.  The description above "of sensitivity to emotive stimuli" is more what I meant.  I have periods when I seem to feel nothing, I dissociate from the world and feel like I'm watching everything from afar especially after something has touched a nerve.  This tends to happen after a few nerves have been touched and instead of blowing out like I used to and hitting the self destruct button my coping mechanism has become to detach from my emotions.  Not ideal but often safer than acting on my usual impulses. 

Does this make sense or am I just rambling on more?!   

Kind of. I'll do some research and see where it leads me, thanks!

[Joe of Loath]

OK, google led me here:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

Which, as I see is a .gov website, should be trustworthy. I'm very wary of health stuff on the internet, as most of it is 'worst case scenario' stuff.

The first two paragraphs are very similar to how I feel. The 3rd and 4th, not so much. In fact, the 2nd paragraph describes me almost perfectly. The only differences being I don't self harm, don't misuse substances and I prefer being alone.

[Suzi]

I really think that you need to go to talk to your GP, then be referred elsewhere to a mental health specialist to get a proper diagnosis.
Tell them what you think, print out and highlight things if it helps, take someone with you who knows you and who knows how things are for you right now...

[Joe of Loath]

That's sensible, thanks. As I think I said, I'm seeing the doctor (I don't think it's my GP, but he's doing the Aspie diagnoses, so mental health is his field) on the 4th, so I'll discuss it then.

[Suzi]

I think that's a really good idea. I also think that you should take your posts from here or any other information that you have which help to explain how you feel/what's going on.. Are you going to that appointment on your own?
Hang around and talk here too lovely..

[Joe of Loath]

Will do.

I'm going with my mum I think, but the appointment itself will be done alone as far as I know.