Hi (and a quick intro)

[Tom_M]

Hello, I'm a bloke in my early 30's, single, very overweight, and very lonely.

Not sure what else to write at this stage, and will likely lurk for a while...

[seaspirit]

Hi Tom and welcome just talk when you are ready no one will judge you here it is a very friendly place.

[suzi]

Hiya Tom!

WElcoem to DWD, its a friendly place where no one will judge you! Grab a coffee, get comfy and lurk if thats what you are comfortable doing or just join in!

Feel free to join in the weight loss thread too! we are trying to do it together!

Even though none of us are professionals we all have our own experiences and thats what makes this place great! Its for fun, chats and laughter as well as the bad times!

[Emmie]

Hello Tom *waves* and welcome :-) Consider yourself lonely no more, we're a good lot :-)

[Tom_M]

Hello Tom *waves* and welcome :-) Consider yourself lonely no more, we're a good lot :-)


Thanks. I've already signed up for the weigh-loss thread, and hopefully I'll remember to keep coming back here!

[rainydays]

Hi Tom, and welcome to DWD ;-)

[lizzie]

hello and welcome

[veggie]

[quote=lizzie]
Hi Tom, welcome.this is such a nice site,very supportive and great for de-stressing.We're all in the same boat here.
Good luck with the weight loss.:grouphug::grouphug:

[MaraUT]

Hi, Tom! Welcome to the group! Just lurk until you feel comfortable with us. We're quite the lot! It's a very, VERY safe place. :grouphug:

[Bluebell]

Hi Tom

Welcome to DWD

[mummyhill]

:Hello2: Welcome to DWD.

[Tom_M]

Right, time for a bit more info...

Basically I had a very bad winter 99/2000 - in the space of 3 weeks, I lost my job, my g/f dumped me (after 5 years, citing "It's just not working" - no real explanation) then I left the church I was an active member of ('cos the g/f was there), and spiralled out of control, 13/12/99 (New years eve for the Millennium) I was utterly miserable - it seemed the whole country was having a party and I wasn't invited.

I Ended up on BetaBlockers for anxiety for 2 years, and have been battling lonliness and depression ever since. Friends then took sides - and I suddenly found myself alone, when I needed the support the most.

I was bullied a fair bit as a child, and as a result I always assume that people have the worst intentions - generally when I reach the point when I trust someone enough to let them get "close" enough to find out what I'm really like, they usually run a mile and never speak to me again. I've lost so many people I thought of as friends that way :-(

As for relationships - since those times back in '99 there's been nothing on that front. Given how bad I am at simple friendships, I don't think I'll ever be willing to let anyone get close enough to me again.

The few people I count as friends are all "remote" (none of them live within 100miles of me) and I only "talk" to them via email or IM, meeting in reality is a very rare thing.

Today, I'm incredibly lonely (more than anything else) - I found this site a few weeks ago after another of those friends (yes, a "remote" friend) turned their back on me (after we went on a short holiday together - we're both single, so it was a way of saving some cash - but being cooped up with me for a week was too much for the friendship when we normally saw each other for a day or two a year at the most). I'm still trying to salvage that friendship, but I suspect there's no real hope now he's seen the "real" me.

I still see my family reasonably regularly (i.e. my parents and sister) - although they're all an hours drive away, I make that effort every few weeks. However I have no social life to speak of, and due to work, things like evening classes are a non-starter really. As a result, I comfort-eat, and have piled on the weight, which has given my self-esteem another hammering.

Don't know what else to add at the moment - no doubt I'll think of more right after I click "Post"...

[seaspirit]

Hi Tom

First of all I am in the same position as you with regard to friends. I have no friends that I can just go out for a drink with all my friends live in this pc so to speak.

It does get tough but I realise for me to make friends I need to break down the barriers that I have built around me for protection.

Sorry to here about your g/f but sometimes these things just happen I'm afraid.

All I can say really and this probably isn't much help but keep talking hun.

[suzi]

Hi Tom,
you arent alone with the friends thing... you will make friends.

[Tom_M]

Hi Tom

First of all I am in the same position as you with regard to friends. I have no friends that I can just go out for a drink with all my friends live in this pc so to speak.

It does get tough but I realise for me to make friends I need to break down the barriers that I have built around me for protection.

Sorry to here about your g/f but sometimes these things just happen I'm afraid.

All I can say really and this probably isn't much help but keep talking hun.


Thanks - I'm over the breakup (just to be clear) - but I can't see myself in another relationship anytime soon - given that I don't even have any "local" friends (as you say, people to meet up with down the pub occasionally), I can't see myself finding someone willing to take on the challenge of putting up with me...

Due to my history (mostly the religion) I simply don't know how other people get into relationships - things that most people (appear to) find easy (making friends, getting a g/f etc) I find incredibly hard. I just don't have the social skills needed (yes, I'm naturally very shy and introverted)

My life, like yours exists in Cyberspace, but even there people seem to be trying to distance themselves from me - as I said it was the end of another friendship that had me searching Google for things like "dealing with depression" - which brought me here.

[suzi]

Tom, I dont have anyone who i would call up and go out for a drink with, but i do have people who i talk to...

why is it that your job wont allow you to do classes?

tbh though i think that until you realise that you arent all bad and that people wouldnt "have the challenge of putting up" with you and might actually like you for who you are then you are going to find things very very hard.

Have you spoken to the dr? are you on meds? waiting for counselling?

[Tom_M]

Tom, I dont have anyone who i would call up and go out for a drink with, but i do have people who i talk to...

why is it that your job wont allow you to do classes?

tbh though i think that until you realise that you arent all bad and that people wouldnt "have the challenge of putting up" with you and might actually like you for who you are then you are going to find things very very hard.

Have you spoken to the dr? are you on meds? waiting for counselling?


My job involves a considerable amount of variable hours and evenings "on call" - I can't be "out" somewhere (like the local college) when I'm on-call.

I've not gone back to my GP (although I've moved since I was on Betablockers - so it's a different GP) - problem is (as usual) getting an appointment for a time when I don't have to take a half-day off work to attend...

I have tried "non prescription" remedies (St Johns Wort) - but they just made me feel worse, so I stopped after a couple of months.

[suzi]

you really should try to get to the doctors.. it would help...

ahha the joys of being on call! do you have somewhere you could just turn up to? what about a salsa club or something? good exercise and gets you out to meet people! a local pub?

[seaspirit]

Tom I can't really offer any more advise as like you I am trying to get out of this rut I am in.

I just need to find the confidence to get out there again. My confidence hit rock bottom when I became ill almost 4 years ago and I totally relied (sp) on my husband for everything that led to my weigh gain as i was unable to walk unaided for 6 months.

I am better now and trying very hard to lose the weight as this is my main barrier.

Don't concentrate on finding a new g/f concentrate on you and trying to regain the confidence. After all good relationships start of with friendships. My husband is my best friend.

Where abouts do you live? Do you go to another church now?

[Emmie]

Ok, I know full well I'm going to potter inot cliche territory at some point so I'd like to grovelingly apologise for that before I even start writing this! ;-)

Anyway, keep trying to get an appointment, ads and particularly sounselling has worked aboslute wonders for me, so I figure it's completely worth a try for everyone else! Keep nagging them and do consider taking the half day off (or beam at your bosses and see if they'll let you jiggle around with your hours to go, might not work for you but I used to just mutter vaguey about hormones and women's problems and it worked wonders!)

There are some natural remedies that really work, like eating properly (which you're off to a flying start with) and exercise. I know evening classes are no good with your work but would you be able to go to the gym, that would be a lot more flexible than an evening class and would get you out the hosue and theoretically meeting people (albeit very sweaty people!)

Now here comes the cliche, don't worry about finding a gf just yet look after yourself. My DH was absolutely convinced that he'd be single for the rest of his life, gave up hope completely and then met me! I think he's still surprised now!

As for friends, I fel the same as you for a while, I have *counts* five rl friends and I couldn't pop out for a drink anywhere with them as they're all either bloody miles away or being a bit mad at the moment! To be honest they just left me to be ill and as I got better I got back in touch with them. Now most of my friends are remote (even the rl ones!) and I'm coming to terms with that. For example I'm closer to the girls on here than some of my rl friends and am much more comforted by their friendship. I hope that makes sense becuase I started rambling a bit there!

[suzi]

Marc is my best friend and by rights we shoudlnt be together at all! He was told that i was a lesbian, he asked me to help him clean somewhere that he was going to move into which hadnt been cleaner er well ever to be precise (we bought out safeways bleach 3 times over), he has depression, i have arthritis, my parents hate(d) him.. etc etc etc etc We met in a pub.. he was at the bar, i walked over (after having a few!) and told him i wanted a double vodka no ice no lemon and the rest as they say is history!

what im trying to say is that there is someone out there for you, you just have to wait..

and im with emmie, i have closer friends here and another forum i use than i have ever had in rl.. the people here know the real me, i dont have to dress up for you lot, i dont have to pretend.. if things are crap then i can say so..

[mummyhill]

I agree with most others here my closest friends are here in my PC. I have about 5 friends in RL and two of them are at opposite ends of the country to me.

Tom you have to learn to like/love yourself before others can do the same otherwise we end up pushing people away due to our own feelings of inadequency (sp).

Try and get an appointment with the GP, try getting out for a walk as often as possible if you don't fancy the gym. Exercise will release endorphins which help to make you feel better and also burns calories which helps with the weight loss.

[veggie]

Hio Tom, i have to say that i agree with what the others have said.it's so hard to make friends when you don't like yourself and have all those protective barriers up and it's hard making friends when you have been bullied throughout life because of trust.
I was bullied too and find it hard making friends but since i've started to be kinder to myself i'm finding it easier to open up to people.
I get days when i think "if you don't like who i am,then tough because i'm not changing"
Everyone on here are lovely and it's great making new friends,this site is what has helped me to open up more and be more leniant on myself.
Sorry don't mean to ramble,hope you know what i mean.

JUST KEEP POSTING HERE!! take care.

[hangetsu]

hi tom and welcome