jokes!

[suzi]

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said
the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed
and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves
causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay
of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns
in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,
there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey
f*****d a penguin. Dopey f*****d a penguin. Dopey f*****d a penguin."

[suzi]

Why are old men in nursing homes given Viagra?

So they don't roll out of bed.

[Emmie]

From himself:

I had a bit of a prang in the car the other day, the other driver was a dwarf. He got out of his car and stormed up to me and said "I'm not happy!". To which I said "Which one are you then?"


Had another prang in the car, one of those new skodas, there was cake everywhere!


Do you know, one of our wedding presents was a sponge front door? Hey, don't knock it! (that's a Tim Vine one)


(Back to himself's jokes) An Englishman, and Irshman, a Scotsman, a Pakistani, a Jew, a hippopotamus, a giraffe and a piece of string went into a bar. The barman said: "Is this some kind of joke?"


A white horse went into a bar the barman said "why the long face" The horse looked unamused "hahaha, he said, I'll have a scotch". The barman replied "Ah we've got one named after you!" The horse said "What? Bernard?"


Edit, got the car wrong it's a skoda in the ad not a lada!

[suzi]

:hysterical3::hysterical3::hysterical3::hysterical 3::hysterical3::hysterical3::hysterical3::hysteric al3::hysterical3:

we love himself's jokes here!!! keep them coming!!!
(oh and can i steal them if i need to??)

[hurtinghusband]

David Beckham walks into a bar with a giraffe. the giraffe then proceeds to drinck 15 pints then pass out on the floor. As David goes to leave the barman says" you cant leave that lyin on the floor"
"thats not a lion Thats a giraffe" says David feeling proud because he knew the difference

[hurtinghusband]

What's the difference between GOD and Alex Ferguson?

GOD doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

[lizzie]

:hysterical3::hysterical3:

[rainydays]

:hysterical3::hysterical3::hysterical3::hysterical 3:

[hurtinghusband]

David Beckham walks into a bar. "Excuse me Mr Beckham" says the barman" did you know you've got a steering wheel down the front of your trousers?"
"tell me about it" says David " it's driving me nuts"

[rainydays]

*is thinking Steve had David Beckham jokebook in other room*

[Emmie]

Vicky/Steve are you two sat in the same house communicating via the internet! ( I have friends who used to do that!)

Anyway yes, Suzi, steal away and feel free to claim them as your own :-)

[rainydays]

Erm - yes! Is that really sad?

[Emmie]

Er, no? Just um, unorthodox *beam* Although having said that himself is upstairs and the only reason we're not communicating via the computers is that he won't entertain MSN!

We stick to the traditional yelling up and down the stairs, hmmm, I might rig up something sunning with yoghurt pots.....

[suzi]

marc and i are in the same room, next to each other... the only way we can have a meaningful convo is via msn....

[hurtinghusband]

This is not a Joke...I'm in the other room preparing the diner...I like food and I like cooking (hence my bulging waistline) and as you girls are keeping Vicky busy I'm allowed in the kitchen.

[rainydays]

Er, no? Just um, unorthodox *beam* Although having said that himself is upstairs and the only reason we're not communicating via the computers is that he won't entertain MSN!

We stick to the traditional yelling up and down the stairs, hmmm, I might rig up something sunning with yoghurt pots.....


LOL - I think sometimes Steve finds it easier to get through to me that way - I am a bit of a net junkie!

[rainydays]

marc and i are in the same room, next to each other... the only way we can have a meaningful convo is via msn....


Glad it's not just me:hysterical3::hysterical3::hysterical3:

[rainydays]

This is not a Joke...I'm in the other room preparing the diner...I like food and I like cooking (hence my bulging waistline) and as you girls are keeping Vicky busy I'm allowed in the kitchen.


Hey, I'm talking about you not too you *beam*

[Emmie]

A man goes into a pub and as he sits at the bar he hears a little voice say "hey, that's a really nice tie." Then from behind him he hears another voice saying "Nah, it's rubbish". The first voice says " My that's a lovely hair cut you've got the there. And again the second voice counter with "Nah, looks like you've combed it with a donkey's tail!" When the barman comes over the man says "What on earth is going on?! I keep hearing a voice telling me I'm looking great, and another voice telling me I'm looking terrible!" "Ah," says the barman "that will be the complimentary nuts, and the cigarette machine is out of order!"

[Emmie]

This is not a Joke...I'm in the other room preparing the diner

I did like the way you felt you had to signpost the fact that you being in the kitchen was not a set up for a joke! That tickled me!