suzi
20-07-2007, 11:02 AM
Subject: NEW EMPLOYMENT RULES
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as proof of sickness. If
you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance:
All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' ill go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will
retract, and the door will open.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called
Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain
their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should
be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
The Management
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's sick note as proof of sickness. If
you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance:
All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8.00 to 8.20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' ill go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both workers
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will
retract, and the door will open.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are to be called
Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to maintain
their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing fancy trainers or clothing we will assume that you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should
be
directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
The Management