grinandbearit
17-01-2007, 11:06 PM
I posted this in the section - Coping - family, etc. if its in the wrong places I'm sure a board guide or moderator will sort it.
But Hello!
My husband has, I believe, been depressed for as long as I have known him.
25 years.
He hates everything around him and has always expressed his feelings freely - to me - at me.
He can't stand the town we live in(too many foreigners and students and poor services and it's gone down hill....etc he says), our house (he says it's too small, no space for his stuff - when its in amess, he says its depressingly squalid - but won't do anything about it), he's always hated his job as ateacher - he says its an unbearable strain and that he is wasting his life just to earn money and he has always said this in a very bitter way toward me.
He has always accused me of being able to be happy anywhere and when he said he was killing himself with work to keep a roof over our heads, I was so distressed.
Our daughter was a baby at the time(she is now 16) and I used to try to suggest othr ways for him to earn aliving and other places we might live - but these were always sneered at and seemed to make him angrier. I used to cry because the person I loved was so unhappy and I couldn't help.
I was only working occassionally (our mortgage was only £26,000, when we got the house in 1982 - it's worth £200,000 now), freelance in the arts, but as our daughter got older I saved every penny I earned and paid off the remainder of the mortgage(£17,000 at the time) when our daughter was 7. I did it with my husband's full knowledge and consent - he accompanied me to the building society when I paid it off. He was in agreement - and I did it to free him - us from the burden of a mortgage. It was meant to be something which which would allow both of us NOT to do work that was so painful to us.
Two years later he told me that doing that had undermined him as a man.
And now - nine years on - he is still teaching. It's not the financial burden - he inherited money two years ago and it has made no difference.
I now believe that he has a form of depression - he wants to feel a victim - he wants to blame - the worse thing I could do would be take away the 'burdens'.
The negativity has got to me for years. I was beside myself with anxiety about him being so unhappy, but I don't cry about it any more - I can't. He feels that I am unrealistic and optimistic.
I have become a bit anxious and unconfident. I tried over the years to explain - in the most serious terms - how his negativity was undermining our relationship and my feelings of self worth. He could never accept what I had to say - choosing to it only as me blaming him and me trying to stop him from being 'realistic' about his life. He even said he was afraid of me.
We share our house like house mates and haven't had a physical relationship for years.
I was in hospital with a throat problem earlier this year - specialists thought for a while that I had a cancer but luckily it turned out to be benign. All he could talk about was the disruption and disturbances the worry had caused him - he was angry that I dealt with the whole thing quite calmly. He said he couldn't stand that amount of worry and that if it ever happened again he would get a shotgun and blow his head off
Phew - sorry about this stream of stuff. I've never done this before so I think I've written too much - will anyone be bothered to read it - sorry.
Now my daughter is 16 - I think it is time I left - I'm not responsible for someone. Even if I know they blame others because they cannot take responsibility for their own happiness. I used to feel compassion for that - even when it turned on me, but I can't any longer - I'm weeping now which is quite good - I haven't cried for about 6 months.
I think I need to look after myself but I don't quite know how - I'll learn!
But Hello!
My husband has, I believe, been depressed for as long as I have known him.
25 years.
He hates everything around him and has always expressed his feelings freely - to me - at me.
He can't stand the town we live in(too many foreigners and students and poor services and it's gone down hill....etc he says), our house (he says it's too small, no space for his stuff - when its in amess, he says its depressingly squalid - but won't do anything about it), he's always hated his job as ateacher - he says its an unbearable strain and that he is wasting his life just to earn money and he has always said this in a very bitter way toward me.
He has always accused me of being able to be happy anywhere and when he said he was killing himself with work to keep a roof over our heads, I was so distressed.
Our daughter was a baby at the time(she is now 16) and I used to try to suggest othr ways for him to earn aliving and other places we might live - but these were always sneered at and seemed to make him angrier. I used to cry because the person I loved was so unhappy and I couldn't help.
I was only working occassionally (our mortgage was only £26,000, when we got the house in 1982 - it's worth £200,000 now), freelance in the arts, but as our daughter got older I saved every penny I earned and paid off the remainder of the mortgage(£17,000 at the time) when our daughter was 7. I did it with my husband's full knowledge and consent - he accompanied me to the building society when I paid it off. He was in agreement - and I did it to free him - us from the burden of a mortgage. It was meant to be something which which would allow both of us NOT to do work that was so painful to us.
Two years later he told me that doing that had undermined him as a man.
And now - nine years on - he is still teaching. It's not the financial burden - he inherited money two years ago and it has made no difference.
I now believe that he has a form of depression - he wants to feel a victim - he wants to blame - the worse thing I could do would be take away the 'burdens'.
The negativity has got to me for years. I was beside myself with anxiety about him being so unhappy, but I don't cry about it any more - I can't. He feels that I am unrealistic and optimistic.
I have become a bit anxious and unconfident. I tried over the years to explain - in the most serious terms - how his negativity was undermining our relationship and my feelings of self worth. He could never accept what I had to say - choosing to it only as me blaming him and me trying to stop him from being 'realistic' about his life. He even said he was afraid of me.
We share our house like house mates and haven't had a physical relationship for years.
I was in hospital with a throat problem earlier this year - specialists thought for a while that I had a cancer but luckily it turned out to be benign. All he could talk about was the disruption and disturbances the worry had caused him - he was angry that I dealt with the whole thing quite calmly. He said he couldn't stand that amount of worry and that if it ever happened again he would get a shotgun and blow his head off
Phew - sorry about this stream of stuff. I've never done this before so I think I've written too much - will anyone be bothered to read it - sorry.
Now my daughter is 16 - I think it is time I left - I'm not responsible for someone. Even if I know they blame others because they cannot take responsibility for their own happiness. I used to feel compassion for that - even when it turned on me, but I can't any longer - I'm weeping now which is quite good - I haven't cried for about 6 months.
I think I need to look after myself but I don't quite know how - I'll learn!