feeling helpless!

[wannahelp]

My husband recently expressed to me that he is not happy with our marriage which came as a complete surprise to me. Neither one of us would ever leave the house nor hang up the phone with each other without telling the other "I love you". We talked numerous times a day and rarely argued. Now he will not say I love you, signed my birthday card genericly and will only kiss me on the top of my head or cheek when one or the other of us leaves the house.

In December, we experienced some financial difficulties which we both agreed to work through together and we have been. At the end of December is when it all began to slide south. My husband began to pull away from me, our kid's, his mother and our friends. He became obsessed with working out. He started speaking very negatively about everything. He says that we have never been able to communicate, he is fat, out kids never listen, we never have money, he doesn't think he has EVER really been happy, his truck is a piece of shit, his job has sucks....and on and on. Now he is not sure that he loves me, he sends our kid's to their rooms almost the moment they walk in the door.

A few weeks ago he was asked to step down as assistant coach for our daughters basketball team. He says now the very last thing in life he enjoyed has been taken away from him.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much hurt and pain this all has brought me and he knows it. He keeps telling me that I should hate him, he knows that he is being self centered but still he doesn't know what is wrong.

He swears that he would not hurt himself but, I worry because of his line of work. He is a police officer. He has admitted that the thought of how he could crash his patrol car has crossed his mind so it could not be considered suicide but, "he would never do that!

I guess I am trying to disect all of this, I even have thought that he is having an affair. I have offered to leave if it would make him happy. All I want is for him to be happy but, he swears he doen't want me to leave. He says he hates seeing me so sad.

We started in couples counselling at the beginning of January and I think we both learned a few things. But about 3 weeks ago he acknowledged that he believes he has been experiencing depression for many years, which would explain a lot. Instead of both of us attending the couselling sessions he has been going it alone for the last few weeks but this has left me feeling alone and helpless. I do however hope that it will help.

I know that he is feeling remorse and I am doing everything I can to be supportive and non-confrontational, especially in front of the kids. The last thing I want is for our kids to get hurt but it is probably already to late, they see the same. Part of me just wants to shake him and ask him if he has any idea what he is doing.

I feel like I am just hanging in limbo while my husband tries to decide what is wrong with him and if he is really unhappy with me and our marriage or if it is his depression or even a mid-life crisis.

Does any of this sound familiar or do you have any recommendations on how I can help? I just want him to be happy and to be happy myself.

[jerseygirl]

Oh hunni, first off groupw

Secondly, have one of these missymiss123

Now, I don't have a huge amount of experience in this, but I do have a hubbie who finds it very difficult to talk or express how he is feeling. I am the one who has sufferred with depression etc so he is the one who deals with me!

I will say what a few have told me on here, is that men as a rule don't talk when they really need to ~ they are very good at sulking however.

It sounds to me as though your dh knows he is affecting you with his feelings and maybe that is why he has distanced himself.....? Maybe he thinks if I distance myself, then I can't upset her, or the kids...... obviously I am not trained in any of this so I am just giving you my opinion.

As for the couselling, FAB idea, and maybe if you are feeling lonely, could you see someone on your own also....?? All of us on here will tell you how fab it is to talk ~ just getting it out of your head and putting it somewhere else works wonders ~ always know there is someone on this forum who will listen and not judge biggrin1

Maybe take some time with each other and try and find a couple of things you could both do to make things a bit better for each other.... You have to talk about this stuff otherwise it will eat you up inside.

Stay positive, your dh knows he is unhappy BUT he is trying to do something about it.

Let him know that you will be there when he is ready to "let you in"

Let him know that you love him ~ Men are big babies I'm afraid!

I wish there was something I could say or do that could help you sweets, but like I said, this forum is fantastic, so keep talking x

Big hug xx

[suzi]

sweetie, this is exactly how things were for me and my partner.. i so understand everything that you have put in your post.

All i can say is that with the right medication that things do get easier, that it never goes away, but it becomes more managable.

Has he seen his doctor? Is he getting any help for the depression???

Feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk i know how lonely and hard it can be living with someone with depression.

Chin up hun, it will get better.
Welcome to DWD....

[Mickylass]

Hiya and welcome,
This in my opinion is a great place for sufferers and carerers.
I am a sufferer and when I am feeling really bad it's like my body has been taken over and I cant actually control the things I say or do. I get so frustrated and it is so much easier to hide away. It comes out that I hate the world and everyone in it but the person I hate the most is myself. Maybe your hubbie thinks he is doing the right thing. And in my experience men dont tend to talk, Maybe thats why so many of us on here are women (appologies to the few great guys who are on here).
You can only take the pieces of advice given here and use them as you will.
One of my toughest moments was actually admitting I was depressed. I felt such a failure. The meds are working most days and the guys on here are cracking. They never judge and are always around or not far away when you need them.
Maybe try breaking it all down in to little chunks.
Stay strong, x

[MaraUT]

Welcome! Let me give you a hug and buy a cup of coffee for you! You deserve a huge round of applause for working so hard at keeping things together thus far! What a job! I really can't add much to the ideas from the other folks. Just sending energies so the right path emerges for you.

MaraUT