*Jayne*
06-12-2007, 11:00 PM
Just wanted to say hello.
A little (there so much more, but isn't there always!) about myself and my background. I'm 35, married and mum to 2 boys aged 4 and 7. I work 3 days per week doing a secretarial/admin job. Never had any experience with depression until recently. Basically over the past couple of years I've lost a lot of weight (about 6 stone), and still have a few to go to get down to my goal weight. Had achieved this through diet and exercise. Exercise being something I absolutely have loved and it's how I filled my free time with about 6 classes - aerobics, circuits, step aerobics, etc. - per week, every week without fail. Have made a good social circle of friends also who are equally into the fitness thing. On top of that I also did a little running. Anyhow, back in August I developed heel pain, which I daftly ignored as a training niggle and then in September my foot really went and I damaged my tendon, ended up on crutches and developed plantar fasciitis (basically inflammation in the tendon in the bottom of the foot). Also showed a prominent heel spur on X-ray. Doc said I'd be lucky if the pain is gone within a year. It brought my training to an abrupt halt, and I needed to be off work for a little while whilst waiting for diagnosis, to rest the foot, etc. With it I lost a lot of social contact both in terms of that which I get from my exercise classes and in work. My hard earned fitness levels went down the drain to. On top of that I comfort ate and have gained 2 stone in past 2 months! I went from a very hectic daily life, to practically nothing overnight and the forced rest was very hard for me to handle. It is not the same as longed for rest.
What has happened to me over the past 6 weeks or so has truly floored me. My heel/foot pain is still there, but is considerably reduced through correct management and and in truth I can manage it well now and could go back to work (essentially a desk job) manage an exercise class or half hour on a cross trainer a few times a week, etc. and start re-building my old life. The problem is I just can't muster up the energy for any of this. The rapid weight gain has knocked my self esteem for six. Nothing I have fits me anymore and I've gone from looking quite stylish to a total slob as don't even have the inclination to go shopping for larger clothes. Lord knows what I would even wear to work if I did go back!
I have sunk into a truly awful depression from it all. I am just not bouncing back like I usually do from a difficult time (and believe you me, I've had my fair share), and how I feel is utterly alien to me. It's so frightening. I can manage my foot now, so why am I like this? I don't know what I have to be depressed about? My husband is super supportive, but I am riddled with guilt about how much he is having to do to keep things going with the children, and I won't even begin with the guilt I'm feeling about how I am barely giving the children any of my time at the moment. I'm either in bed if hubby is home or doing essentials only for them if he's not. I am good for very little at the moment and they deserve so much better. I went through many, many years of trying to get pregnant with them due to infertility and now I'm not being a very good mummy to them :( The mornings are just a wash out and I can hardly move, and if I try and force myself I end up in floods of tears. I usually tend to have an easier time of it through the early part of the afternoon, and can even manage to get out for a walk with the dog or something, but then come the evening I'm not much better than I was in the morning and of course I feel guilty that I can walk the dog of an afternoon, but not take my youngest to the park in the morning before he goes to afternoon nursery. I sleep dreadfully, and am so exhausted from that. I'm sure it's not helping. Am lucky to manage 3 or 4 hours of broken sleep a night.
Anyhow, that's all waffle, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am right now. I'm not suicidal or self harming and I saw my GP last week about it all and am 6 days in on 20mg of Fluoxetine. I am also going to arrange some counselling. GP was going to organise it for me, but as a perk my work provides an employee assistance programme whereby an independent company will provide private counselling for me which can be organised quicker than NHS. Am sure a counsellor would have a field day with my history - crappy childhood, divorced parents, violent father, infertility, complete nightmare of an emotionally abusive mother who still has a grip on me (such a long story there) even at this age, etc. But you know what, I really don't think any of that has anything to do with my depression. That's all been in my life forever, and I've not been depressed, so why now?
Maybe it is a huge build up of things and I wonder if I've not actually been depressed on and off for a couple of years really, but my hectic life, and the exercise, etc. just kept me ticking over. When that all went overnight due to the foot injury, maybe my reserves just ran out and I crashed. I think that's probably what's happened.
I saw an occupational health doctor today and he was so good. He explained to me all about depression and how it occurs, etc. whilst I of course blubbled! He agreed I shouldn't be in work at the moment and would report back accordingly, so that's good. At least there is no pressure from the work front. I get 6 months full pay, and so far they have been very supportive of my absence. I hope that before that 6 months is up, I will be able to return to my job. Like I say, it's only 3 days a week, and secretarial, so not to tasking!
I'm just so scared that how I feel won't pass. I want the old me back so desperately. I want to feel excited about things again. I usually love Christmas, and seeing the boys open their pressies, but this year, I've bought stuff I know they will love, but just don't have that little flip of excitement in my tummy about seeing them open it. I remember that it should be there, but it's not there. Horrible :(
Gosh, I didn't mean to write so much, but once I started it just all came out. I'm sorry - are you still awake? lol. I hope it all makes sense. I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to read it back.
Jayne x
A little (there so much more, but isn't there always!) about myself and my background. I'm 35, married and mum to 2 boys aged 4 and 7. I work 3 days per week doing a secretarial/admin job. Never had any experience with depression until recently. Basically over the past couple of years I've lost a lot of weight (about 6 stone), and still have a few to go to get down to my goal weight. Had achieved this through diet and exercise. Exercise being something I absolutely have loved and it's how I filled my free time with about 6 classes - aerobics, circuits, step aerobics, etc. - per week, every week without fail. Have made a good social circle of friends also who are equally into the fitness thing. On top of that I also did a little running. Anyhow, back in August I developed heel pain, which I daftly ignored as a training niggle and then in September my foot really went and I damaged my tendon, ended up on crutches and developed plantar fasciitis (basically inflammation in the tendon in the bottom of the foot). Also showed a prominent heel spur on X-ray. Doc said I'd be lucky if the pain is gone within a year. It brought my training to an abrupt halt, and I needed to be off work for a little while whilst waiting for diagnosis, to rest the foot, etc. With it I lost a lot of social contact both in terms of that which I get from my exercise classes and in work. My hard earned fitness levels went down the drain to. On top of that I comfort ate and have gained 2 stone in past 2 months! I went from a very hectic daily life, to practically nothing overnight and the forced rest was very hard for me to handle. It is not the same as longed for rest.
What has happened to me over the past 6 weeks or so has truly floored me. My heel/foot pain is still there, but is considerably reduced through correct management and and in truth I can manage it well now and could go back to work (essentially a desk job) manage an exercise class or half hour on a cross trainer a few times a week, etc. and start re-building my old life. The problem is I just can't muster up the energy for any of this. The rapid weight gain has knocked my self esteem for six. Nothing I have fits me anymore and I've gone from looking quite stylish to a total slob as don't even have the inclination to go shopping for larger clothes. Lord knows what I would even wear to work if I did go back!
I have sunk into a truly awful depression from it all. I am just not bouncing back like I usually do from a difficult time (and believe you me, I've had my fair share), and how I feel is utterly alien to me. It's so frightening. I can manage my foot now, so why am I like this? I don't know what I have to be depressed about? My husband is super supportive, but I am riddled with guilt about how much he is having to do to keep things going with the children, and I won't even begin with the guilt I'm feeling about how I am barely giving the children any of my time at the moment. I'm either in bed if hubby is home or doing essentials only for them if he's not. I am good for very little at the moment and they deserve so much better. I went through many, many years of trying to get pregnant with them due to infertility and now I'm not being a very good mummy to them :( The mornings are just a wash out and I can hardly move, and if I try and force myself I end up in floods of tears. I usually tend to have an easier time of it through the early part of the afternoon, and can even manage to get out for a walk with the dog or something, but then come the evening I'm not much better than I was in the morning and of course I feel guilty that I can walk the dog of an afternoon, but not take my youngest to the park in the morning before he goes to afternoon nursery. I sleep dreadfully, and am so exhausted from that. I'm sure it's not helping. Am lucky to manage 3 or 4 hours of broken sleep a night.
Anyhow, that's all waffle, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am right now. I'm not suicidal or self harming and I saw my GP last week about it all and am 6 days in on 20mg of Fluoxetine. I am also going to arrange some counselling. GP was going to organise it for me, but as a perk my work provides an employee assistance programme whereby an independent company will provide private counselling for me which can be organised quicker than NHS. Am sure a counsellor would have a field day with my history - crappy childhood, divorced parents, violent father, infertility, complete nightmare of an emotionally abusive mother who still has a grip on me (such a long story there) even at this age, etc. But you know what, I really don't think any of that has anything to do with my depression. That's all been in my life forever, and I've not been depressed, so why now?
Maybe it is a huge build up of things and I wonder if I've not actually been depressed on and off for a couple of years really, but my hectic life, and the exercise, etc. just kept me ticking over. When that all went overnight due to the foot injury, maybe my reserves just ran out and I crashed. I think that's probably what's happened.
I saw an occupational health doctor today and he was so good. He explained to me all about depression and how it occurs, etc. whilst I of course blubbled! He agreed I shouldn't be in work at the moment and would report back accordingly, so that's good. At least there is no pressure from the work front. I get 6 months full pay, and so far they have been very supportive of my absence. I hope that before that 6 months is up, I will be able to return to my job. Like I say, it's only 3 days a week, and secretarial, so not to tasking!
I'm just so scared that how I feel won't pass. I want the old me back so desperately. I want to feel excited about things again. I usually love Christmas, and seeing the boys open their pressies, but this year, I've bought stuff I know they will love, but just don't have that little flip of excitement in my tummy about seeing them open it. I remember that it should be there, but it's not there. Horrible :(
Gosh, I didn't mean to write so much, but once I started it just all came out. I'm sorry - are you still awake? lol. I hope it all makes sense. I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to read it back.
Jayne x