Return of the dreaded D

[hangetsu]

hi to all, i found this site while searching about dealing with depression... I've suffered from it before and now it appears to have returned...much to my disdain...

it all stems from:

1) stressful job
2) lack of friends or support mechanisms
3) general disgust for myself

at least thats what i think it stems from, then again it could all be in my head...or a conspiracy...or i really have lost my mind like people occasionally tell me

[lizzie]

hello and welcome to DWD

[suzi]

hi and welcome to DWD, this is a safe place to talk, noone will judge you and im quite sure you havent lost your mind! None of us here are prefessionals, we all just have our own experiences of depression.

Nice to have you aboard!

[Emmie]

Hello and welcome, I also highly doubt you've lost your mind!

Have you been to see your doctor? That's always a very good place to start

[mummyhill]

Hi and welcome.

Nosey question do you do a martialart by any chance as your posting name looks very similar to the name of a kata we do.

[hangetsu]

Nosey question do you do a martialart by any chance as your posting name looks very similar to the name of a kata we do.
[/quote]


Not a nosey question at all, yes i used to do shotokan karate in my spare time, unfortunately i've been taking a break from it for a while, but i've always loved that kata so i chose it as my email along time ago.

Thanx for the welcome

[mummyhill]

DH is a 2nd Dan in Shoto and teaches hence I got the reference.

[hangetsu]

I havent spoken to my doctor yet, the last time i began feeling like this it was a lot worse,due mainly to a relationship ending and i ended up on anti ds for over a year as i couldnt handle uni and all that was going on, i had counciling for a while, i came off the ad's a long while back as i did actually feel better and for a long time i plodded along, working, trying to be sociable, trying to make new friends in the rubbish city i live in.

But i guess recently lots of thing have begun to get to me again, i guess i should c the dr, i just havent got that far yet... I think i will c him soon, but thanx for the suggestion i appreciate the input.

[suzi]

where abouts are you? its best to see the dr sooner, nip it in the bud so to speak..

[hangetsu]

nottingham, i can make an appointment monday, or at least thats the plan.

[suzi]

good luck, stay and talk a it will help...

[Emmie]

As Suzi said, best thing is to go to the doctor and have a chat with them, let us know how you get on

[hangetsu]

i've spent the whole evening beating myself up,making myself feel worse about everything thats upset me, so i definitely agree i need to speak to the dc, i'll let you know how it goes, i appreciate the supportiveness and the kind words a great deal.

[Broken Wings]

Welcome to the forum, I'm new here too. I hope this place will help and you'll find the support you need.

Angel

[Emmie]

If you want to talk about what's upsetting you we're always here for you, I tend to find once I get it out in the open it's never as bad as I think, and it can help just to remove it from your head and leave it in here.

But it is up to you, we're still here whatever you want to do

[suzi]

Sounds to me like you really need to talk about what is bothering you. It doesnt matter if it doesnt make much sense as you write it, but it will help..

[mummyhill]

I find writting it down here and letting the others help me rationalise it all really helps. When you are ready then talk to us we won't judge but will try to help you based on our own experiences.

As Suzi says we are not professionals but we will do our best to help you.

[rainydays]

Hope you get on well with the Dr....:)

[hangetsu]

here goes, im going to waffle, so hope your your all sitting comfortably...

2004 - 2005

My depression was originally sparked by stress and unhappiness due to the break up of a very important relationship, which i had fought tooth n nail for, mainly due to the other person in the relationship bein ill, which wasnt her fault or anything but i was the one who kept it all together as it were, kept her alive etc.

Then i was no longer needed so i ended up thrown away, this sent me over the edge as i felt betrayed,hurt etc, i couldnt handle anything, caused pain n suffering for my friends due to the state i was in and somehow managed to complete my MA while moving to Nottingham to start my teaching course. (worse mistake i ever made moving to nottingham by the way)

I kinda broke down, living on my own and havin only 1 friend in this city i live in, having to study hard, missing the person who'd hurt me, so ended up having counselling and on anti d's for over a yr. Anyway i somehow managed to pass my teaching course, started teaching and gradually felt better, so i came of the tablets and sunk myself into work.

2005 onwards

Over the last two years i've worked my butt off as a supply teacher, trying to get a permanent job and struggled to stay positive but always seem to hit a dead end.

I guess i've been thinking about all these things this last week while trying to be positive, but i've reached several conclusions, i hate living in the city im in because all i do is work or spend time on my own as i dont know anyone here so i tend to feel alone all the time even when im around people which i know is stupid, but i kinda see myself as being alone from now till whenever which i guess doesnt help either, i hate work because of the stress im currently under in the post im covering and some of the staff not helping with the way they're behaving towards me.

Im sorry to moan, dont get me wrong the majority of the time i actually enjoy teaching, i try to be positive all the time, to please others n all that but i guess alot of things have been knocking around my head and this week having nowt to do has led me to, as i tend to put it, 'Over think' about everything.

Anyway thats the short version, sorry to moan n all that, thanks for reading n being supportive.

[mummyhill]

First off you are not moaning.

Secondly do you still have friends and family in the area you used to live in? If so is it feasible to move closer to home and find work there?
what age group do you teach?

[Emmie]

As MH said, you're not moaning, you have thing you want to get out in the open becuase they're bothering you so better out than in!

Beyond that I'm afraid I don't really have anything helpful to add atm, sorry I'm not entirely on the ball at the moment!

[hangetsu]

first answer is secondary, i teach yr 7,8,9,11 n 12. Art and photography. I love art and photography but the pressure plus other staff behaviour is getting to me, they say the average teaching life for recently qualified teachers is two years, so i've lasted a little longer, but to be honest i really dont know how much longer i'll stick at it.

second answer is yep i have family in oxford, but all my friends are spread out around the country, i have just applied to a college near to ox for a job n i am looking for/ keeping eyes open for a job nearer my family or best friend in Milton keynes to be honest, i think i realised a week ago i couldnt stand living in notts much longer...its just finding a job so i can move i guess.

maybe i should just change career.

[seaspirit]

Hi
First of all you don't need to appologise you aren't moaning you are getting your thoughts and feelings off you head which is what this group is all about.

I know what it's like to feel lonely as even though I have my husband and children around I left all my other family and friends behind when we moved to Cornwall and I find it difficult making new friends.

I can quite understand how stressful your job is and city life can also be quite stressful.

When I first moved to the country I wasn't used to the peace and quiet and I still find it difficult sometimes as I feel so isolated with not being able to drive.

I originally lived not far from Oxford I was born and raised in Aylesbury and after living in the same town for 31 years it can be quite a shock. Moving away from my family and friends wasn't an easy decision but I needed to think of my children.

Keep talking and getting those feelings and and stop appologising .

[hangetsu]

welcome to you too broken wings, hope site helps you too

[mummyhill]

I have several friends who either teach or who have left teaching, many at primary level due to stress. Those I know who still teach are either doing supply or job share so that they get less pressure.

It is an extremly stress full job especially at secondary level. On the other hand it also extremly worth while. Maybe moving closer to family or friends who can help and offer support would help you.

[hangetsu]

thanks MH,

yep i think moving closer to home will help, n yep sometimes it really feels worthwhile, i go back to work tommorrow n cant say im looking forward to it, but im trying to stay positive as its not like i can move overnight but im going to see what i can do

[suzi]

I teach secondary EBD music + others.. so i sympathise, the job sucks at times and is really high pressured.

I couldnt have done it if i wasnt near my friends and family..

[hangetsu]

thanx, suzi, i appreciate it, i've spent the whole day trying to psych myself up for tomorrow and preparing or trying to prepare lessons but i've decided to give up for the eve as im gonna try n relax as i feel that if i keep trying to do stuff for tomorrow my head'll explode.

[rainydays]

What a wonderfully rewarding job that must be, though I can appreciate the stress it must entail. Secondary school teachers especially don't get the credit/respect they deserve these days, and it's a darn shame - you do such an important job!

Here's hoping that whatever decisions you make bring you the happiness you deserve hun:grouphug:

[hangetsu]

thanks, i can see where you come from on that viewpoint, its shared by many teachers and non teachers alike i think...

i've been toiling with what to do and how i feel and it still doesnt really make much sense to me, especially decisions, i hope i make the right ones and i really appreciate everyones supportive and friendly comments since i've registered with this site/forum, adn i hope eveyone ends up ok and happy too.

[suzi]

Write a list of the things that you need to sort out. Then work through one thing at a time..

[hangetsu]

:123cry@@:

Right then, heres me trying my best to chill from 9pm last night, and what happened.... i couldnt sleep...i was so anxious about going back to work, i took a sleeping tablet hoping that would help and put me out so i could get up feeling fresh n motivated.

Instead i kept endind up tossing n turning, walking backwards and forwards, punching myself repeatedly in the legs, getting more n more frustrated at not being able to sleep.

I tried the NHS direct tips, i tried reading, i tried watching tv, nothing worked... in the end i realised i needed to talk to someone and i phoned home, repeatedly till i woke my dad up and told him what was happening. He agreed i wasn't in a fit state to go to work so i phoned in sick (feeling guilty and lying a little saying id been sick all night)

The guy in charge of cover or supply at the school said it wasnt a problem and that i should take care and let them know wehn i'd be returning.I then told my agency who didnt really mind, though im sure they'll miss the money i get 'em from the school.

Then i phoned the dcrs and after explaining how i'd been up all night and anxious, depressed, unable to sleep they told me the earliest i could see the dcr was 5.20pm today. I guess it's positive i'll be seeing the dcr but i cant help feel guilty for feeling this way out, not sensible i know, but there goes....

:(

I apologise if any of this has made no sense...

[suzi]

Its made perfect sense to me!
But (from someoone who has been there sort of and understands) you would be less than useless in school until you get yourself sorted out. You can do this. Go see the gp, print off this thread if it helps or write a list of what you want to say to them.

You can get through this..

[Emmie]

It made sense to me as well, ansd Suzi is right, you really wouldn't have been able to go to work, and you probably would have flet worse. I know 5.20 feels a very long way away but it'll get there and as you said it's positive that you've got an appointment at all.

As for distraction I think I can help a little, last year I did depression management course (as in how to help myself control how I was feelign) and she recommened distraction a lot.

Essentially you need to find what works for you, bunging the tv on something random just to stare at it (I put Top Gear on, I have millions on tape and I'm utterly obsessed by it now as I just found it really worked so just find something that works for you, possibly a favourite film?)

You could call someone as you found that does help

Go for a walk, if it's in the daytime wander around the shops and consult bubble bath or magazines or whatever you like in great detail

If you're feeling the need to self harm (punch yourself essentially) try clutching an ice cube or put a rubber band round your wrist and 'ping' it. It helps you get the feeling of hurting yourself without actually doing so.

And generally keep going, I'm dure you feel diheartened becuase you've fel tlike this before and it's come back, but on a very positive note, you've got better from this once, so you can do it again! It will get better

[hangetsu]

thanx too you all,

spoke with my dad about it and he reckons i should speak with my agency about how i'm feeling, but that's something i'm not sure i can do, they might get angry with me for taking today off and seeing the dc, or worse get rid of me entirely cos im stressed.

I've not been able to sleep at all today and i really want to, i think i'm overthinking far too much, counting down to the dcrs. Hope they can suggest something.

thanks for your time

[suzi]

they cant fire you because you have depression. Thats fact!!!!

Tell them, be honest with them and just explain that you are having a rough time right now..

[Emmie]

Suzi's right, they can't fire you for being ill it's illegal. Havng said that it is your decision as to what you feel comfortabel tiwht and therefore what you decide to do about it

[hangetsu]

:23_1_62:

Dc put me back on me old anti ds, citalopram.
He said it was positive i'd come to talk,that i'd realised living in nottingham had been depramental to me,and all the other stuff thats upest me, he signed me of work for a week as he felt i needed that gap before trying to return, he thought it was great id started to pursue counselling again so im lookin into that now.(phoned my old uni n they gave me suggestions since i aint a student no more)

Told work id been signed off fo a week, glen who does all supply organising said that he wanted me to get well so i could come back, at least some of the staff will want me back. He told me not to feel guilty as it happens with the best of us....i still kinda do tho.... n i dont get paid if i dont work, so im hoping to go back next week when i begin to feel better...as lets face it i still need money...shame money makes the world go round, be easier if it were dr pepper...

I finally got some sleep!!!!!!! :clapping: id been up from 7am sunday till 10.30 monday nite, but as the doc gave me a limited supply of sleeping tablets and said to use them sparingly, took one and it did the trick.

So i guess this is the most positive mesg i've put up yet?

Thank you all for your kind supportive words.

[mummyhill]

1) Yay well done for going and talking to the GP.
2) Well done again for proactivley starting the search for councelling. Make sure you find someone you can get along with because at the end of the day it is all about trust.
3) As long as you have been paying your tax and NI you can claim ssp through the job centre as long as you have your sick notes.
4) Congrats on finally getting some sleep it makes all the difference.

Keep talking we are here for as long as you need us and as often as you need us iyswim.

P.s the odd spelling error isn't a problem.

[suzi]

Thats great!

Oh and by the way i often make typos! so dont worry!!!!!!

well done! Im pleased for you!

[veggie]

Hiya couldn't not answer your post,just wanted to send (((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))) your way and hope you feel brighter.Glad you managed to get some sleep at last,sleep depravation is a huge stress init'self. xx

[hangetsu]

Thanx veggie, sleep was soooooooooo good, i really needed it.

[veggie]

Thanx veggie, sleep was soooooooooo good, i really needed it.

AWW so glad for you,iv'e got insomnia at the mo and it's driving me mad,off to docs tomorrow.

[hangetsu]

AWW so glad for you,iv'e got insomnia at the mo and it's driving me mad,off to docs tomorrow.

I'm sorry you've got insomnia, i really hope you get it sorted

[lizzie]

:23_1_62:

Dc put me back on me old anti ds, citalopram.
He said it was positive i'd come to talk,that i'd realised living in nottingham had been depramental to me,and all the other stuff thats upest me, he signed me of work for a week as he felt i needed that gap before trying to return, he thought it was great id started to pursue counselling again so im lookin into that now.(phoned my old uni n they gave me suggestions since i aint a student no more)

Told work id been signed off fo a week, glen who does all supply organising said that he wanted me to get well so i could come back, at least some of the staff will want me back. He told me not to feel guilty as it happens with the best of us....i still kinda do tho.... n i dont get paid if i dont work, so im hoping to go back next week when i begin to feel better...as lets face it i still need money...shame money makes the world go round, be easier if it were dr pepper...

I finally got some sleep!!!!!!! :clapping: id been up from 7am sunday till 10.30 monday nite, but as the doc gave me a limited supply of sleeping tablets and said to use them sparingly, took one and it did the trick.

So i guess this is the most positive mesg i've put up yet?

Thank you all for your kind supportive words.


*hugs* thats great glad you got some sleep