Hi

[LCL]

Someone has very kindly directed me to this site & maybe for me it will be a lifeline.

My story.

When I was 6 days away from being 3, my brother just 18 month old, our Mum just upped & left then nobody saw her properly for 9 years. She had popped in our lifes on the odd occasion but on my 12th birthday she turned up with a little girl who I found out was my sister (half sister - different Dad) who would have been about 6 at the time. Our Dad then brought us up on his own, for which now I am eternally greatful for.
When I started High School I turned into the bitch from hell & I wasn't a nice person to be around. I was sexually abused by 2 people - an uncle & my Grandma's boyfriend, neither of them had full sex with me but did other acts which were classed as abuse although both of the people are dead now. I tried 3 different high schools until I eventually dropped out as I just hated it so much.
Mum came back into our lifes intermiddettly & told me it was my fault she left, apparently I didn't love her & would always hurt my brother. I know it's all lies but I wanted her to love me so I beleived her for a while, she taught me & my brother to shoplift & we both got caught & spent 1 night in a police cell, I learnt my lesson with a caution which gladly has now passed a long time ago & I have NEVER been in trouble with the police again but my brother is still doing petty crimes.
At around age 14-15 I started dating loads of lads, many at the same time & at 16 found myself pregnant, was 17 when I gave birth to my eldest child. At that point I had been with 2 guys, one of which is now my husband & the other is hubby's friend, they both knew at the time about each other & somehow are still friends.
Mum turned up at the hospital within minutes of me giving birth & tried taking my baby saying she wanted a 2nd chance at being a Mum, when I said I wanted to prove I could do it she was constanty at the house trying to take over with everything, telling me everything I was doing wrong & always putting me down. I felt very ill in myself, I didn't bond with my baby & wondered if I should give my baby to Mum, my partner was a tower of strength, he was out of work for the first few years of my eldest life. When my baby was 3 weeks old I switched to formula as I couldn't cope, I felt like I had failed as a Mum as well as a daughter.
When my baby was 4 months old I found out I was expecting again & I was very scared, my husband convinced me to have a termination which after a lot of tears I did & I have hated myself everyday since. That day changed me forever, it was a long time ago but I can remember everything like it was yesterday.
When my eldest was 5 years old I got married & soon after my husband convinced me to try for another baby, A month after I booked my wedding my friend's 6 month old daughter was diagnosed with cancer & died 2 months later, just before she died my friend found out she was pregnant again with twin boys who developed Twin To Twin Transfusion & saldy one of them was stillborn when they were born 3 months premature.
I was very scared after everything that had happened & although I fell pregnant within a few months sadly I miscarried & I still think maybe that was somebody's way of punishing me. Within a few weeks I was pregnant again & I now have a very active 1 year old. Whilst I was pregnant this time my sister was also pregnant, she gave birth @ 23 weeks & sadly my beautiful nephew didn't make it, he died at 3 days old.
Mum has only seen my new baby once & has said I should give my baby to my sister has she will be a better Mum than me, she has said she can never love me although when she is drunk she says she does love me. I still don't know the real reason why she left & I have very little to do with her now. I had counselling years ago before I had my eldest but have had nothing since, I tried to speak to midwife, HV & GP when I had my eldest but no-one would listen, I had PND for at least 18 months as diagnosed by MIL's friend who worked for a PND support group, things got easier after that time but it never went away. I have been on a list for counselling again but nothing has come of it & last week my new GP (I say new but it wasn't that new just different to where I had my eldest) has put me on Anti D's. I hope these will work as I am so fed up with everything in my life, the only thing that keeps me going is my close family. I put on a brave face & most of my friend's would be shocked as to how low I'm feeling.
I have made mistakes in my life & I am very sorry so please don't judge me but I wanted to be straight with you from the start.

Thank you for reading.

[rainydays]

Firstly, welcome do DWD....

This is a safe a friendly place, and if I can promise anything, it's that no one will judge you.....we won't always be able to relate, or know what you are going through, but don't ever worry that people will think badly of you....

The members here are from all walks of life, and all have different stories to tell, but we have a very strong sense of community here - and look after each other....

Secondly, well done for coming here and telling your story. It's a big step, and you should be very proud of yourself for making it.

Take care of yourself, and feel free to join in with the banter on here.....

Vicky XXX

[crazy girl]

:Hello2:and welcome to DWD this is a very friendly site and it,s a safe place to let things out.:grouphug:

[lizzie]

hello and welcome to DWD

no-one will judge you here *hugs*

[Emmie]

Hello LCL and welcome to the group.

As Vicky says no one will judge you here.

The anti d's will probably take a little time to start working properly so just try and sit tight. It's also worthwile mentioning to your (new) GP (next time you see him) how long you've been waiting for counselling. The waiting lists can be quite long so unfortunately that's another thing you ned to sit tight for!

You'll be used to nothing happening quickly eventually!

Good luck, and as Vicky say be very proud that you've been so upfront it can't have been easy.

[seaspirit]

:Hello2: hun and :welcomeblinkiegroup1:

You have come to the best place, no one will judge you here, just keep talking hun it really is best to get things out in the open and out of your head.

[suzi]

I am so pleased that you have found DWD and that you feel that you can share all that. No one wil ljudge you, none of us have the right to, we arent you and we arent living your life.

First of all i want to give you such a big hug, by goodness youve been through it!
Secondly i want to tell you that your m/c wasnt an act of punishment, it just wasnt meant to be - i have been there too, so i understand some of what you feel.
thirdly - i have no idea what planet your mum is on, but tbh she sounds as if all she wants to do is make your life harder than it is already! I cant imagine anyone telling me that i should give away my baby... i really really feeel for you...

I think you need to go back to your gp and see if there is anything that they can do to speed up the counsellling, you sound as if you really need it!

huge hugs and keep talking

[LCL]

I go back to GP in 3 weeks, he wants to see how I'm going with the tablets before doing anything about the counselling. It feels such a relief to let it all out. Thank you all, you have no idea what this means to me.

[suzi]

keep going with the tablets, hope they will help.. but they wont help overnight.

Im glad you found DWD and that you can just let it all out, talking will help, trust me!

[veggie]

:Hello2: LCL just wanted to send you a((((((((((((HUGE HUG)))))))))))))
You've really been through the mill and my heart goes out to you.i understand some of what you are going through,you have immense strenghth to have got this far so first of all a huge pat on the back for that.
secondly give the a'ds a chance to work and go back to your gp and really push for councelling,he may not realise how far back your sorrow starts, also because of the waiting list for councelling you could maybe try Mind,they're an organisation that offer a councelling service which are quite good and will help to get the ball rolling before you start the gp organised councelling. Also the nspcc have contacts for adults abused as children with online councellors,they are slso very helpful,i talked to them before i plucked up the courage to see my gp.

What happened to you as a child was in no way your fault and has everything to do with the adult you became.
It's not an easy road but you will get there and learn to live with all that's happened,take control and not let it controll you anymore.

I hope this helps,i'll be thinking of you and sending lots of posative thoughts your way. take care. xx

[mummyhill]

HI LCL welcome to DWD.

My heart goes out to you sweetheart. So glad yo hgave found this website and feel that you can share.

I second what the others have said about letting the AD's kick in before going forward with councelling, it will ake it slightly easier to deal with although you should expect the councelling to make you feel worse before it makes you feel better iyswim.

Keep talking there is usually someone here to listen.

[LCL]

Even reading it back now it still feels like it's happened to someone else, surely ALL that can't have happened to me? I have tried to block a lot of out for so long & been on auto pilot that it's so hard to even think about it. I have to think about it though, I have to talk about it too otherwise it will boil away inside until it explodes. I have found somewhere here that is a haven to me.

[suzi]

you are right you do need to deal with it, talk about it, that will help - it wont be so hard to deal with iykwim? huge hugs hun, keep talking!

[MaraUT]

Welcome to you! You are safe here: no one will judge you and what is said in our forums doesn't go outside. Congratulations to you for being brave enough to tell your story and work on taking control of your life. :grouphug:

[amandax]

:Hello2: and welcome to DWD. This place is a lifeline I can tell u ! The people here never judge and r always there when u need them. There have been times when I haven't been on the site much but have come back in a crisis and I still get full support.

I wish u well and hope things improve for you.:grouphug:

[kathyhinsh]

hi sweetie x x x

[lostfriend]

hello and welcome the best thing to is just keep taking your meds and keep talking it dose help.