Back down again and panicking **trigger warning**

[Jackiek]

Feeling really scared and worried today. Had a letter from one of our debtors. Nothing nasty, just threatening to send debt collectors to my door if i dont reply asap, which I will do today and tell them the CCCS is dealing with this from now on. I am scared everytime the post comes through the door.

I dont have anyone I can talk to. If I try to talk to my oh, he justs gets angry and then mopes around the house all day, fretting, which makes me worse. My mom has gone in all but a physical sense and my dad is struggling too much with his own problems and illness for me to burden him with mine.

I know this is all of our own making and i know it is down to us with the support of the cccs, but I feel like I am drowning. I dont have anyone I can lean on and admit just how bad and worried I am. I have a list of things to do, silly things like phoning through the meter reading, sorting out a maintenance visit for the boiler, but I can't even do that :( For the first time in a long time I have thought of self harming again. That ball of who knows what is tight in my stomach and there is no way to let it out. I cant sit and cry, because the kids are here and they will worry. The oh will come down and start getting angry, he says it is cuz he can't help me, but he could just by staying calm and I have told him that, but he seems unable to do it.

i dread weekends, because he is always bad tempered. He hates work, but he hates being here with us as well. I am the one who takes the kids swimming, because he wont go. I am the one who has to sort out everything to do with school, he has no input. He got really angry the other day, because the school wouldn't let him fetch our son, but as I told him, the teacher has never seen him before. But of course it was her fault not his.

he goes out to work and he does work hard, but after that nothing. i am the one who works out the money and if we have any left over to treat ourselves. I am the ones who tries to budget things down, like the shopping then he moans that there is nothing in the fridge. But by that he means junk food. We have plenty of food to be cooked, but he never cooks, even when I am ill.

I dont see many people, although I am working on making new friends and getting out a bit more in the week. My oldest friend I dont see her often now. We were meant to go swimming one night and she cancelled last minute cuz someone had asked her to go out. Then the next week she didnt go either, but commented if her other friend let her down, she would let me know! I was quite angry at being dumped and used like that,

I feel like screaming to someone, dont you know how bad I am. Cant you see I am struggling and need some help and support. I cant bring myself to tell anyone close to me how bad I am feeling again

Sorry I am rambling, but I have to talk to someone, or esle I am worried what might happen

[Suzi]

Oh angel! (panda)(panda) It will be ok hun, you can get through this, I know you can.

Sweetheart debt collectors aren't that scary, just remember they CANNOT enter your home unless you invite them in and then they can return (a bit like vampires) and they can then start making lists of your property etc... NEVER EVER EVER let them in! Only if it is a court appointed baliff is that different and to get one of those you need to have been taken to court first.

Sweetheart it WILL be ok..

[Jackiek]

Thanks Suzie. I just feel so scared and alone. I have no one to turn to in my "real" life. That is why I thank god for you and DWD. There are somedays when Iwant someone else to take over for a while. Even silly things like housework etc. I have some friends, but none I really feel comfortable saying how low I am getting again.

I want my oh to come swimming with us, as a family, but he states he hates it and wont even try. I have even suggested its cuz he can't swim and that is ok, just come and watch but he wont. He wont do anything with us a family unless I force him. Last weekend was horrendous. He had shouted at the kids so much, they refused to come from my dads and speak to him. He just can't cope with anything.

Its liek with mom, I come back sometimes and I have had a hard time dealing with it. And then he starts on how his mom is and how he knows she will get the same and so on. Its like its a competition who has the most ill mother. One competiton I would happily lose I might add.
Just feel so alone today.

[Angie]

oh hun hugs

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart! You aren't alone, we're here for you...

Hun, if he doesn't like swimming, then don't press it. Try going out and having some fun just you and the little people.. Is there something he does like? I know for us one place I can normally get Marc to come with us is Mercedes Benz World as it's full of cars lol It's a great place and free too and the little people (and big people) can get in a play with the cars that are there.... Or I can maybe get him to come out with us for a walk on the understanding that he takes his camera and we wander off looking for evidence of dragons and dinosaurs whilst he takes pics of stuff!

[Jackiek]

he doesnt seem to want to do anything with us Suzi. unless it is about him and what he likes, you really have to push him. The problem is that, my 10 yr old daughter is really feeling it. She has told me (and I told him) that she feels like she is nothing to him. that he is always too tired, or doing what he wants to . It really seems to be getting to her :(

I am so tired and drained at the moment. It is getting harder to go and see mom. She seems to be fading more and more away from us. And I miss her so much it hurts. It is ironic that she is here and I can touch her and talk to her and hug and kiss her, but in the real sense she is gone. I miss all the things we used to do and all the things we should have been able to do. I am so damn angry that my brothers only go now and again. It isn't even once a week anymore. They always find some excuse to not go. And I hate them for it. I really really hate them. Mom would be heartbroken if she knew just how little time her sons are willing to give her.
I know they find it hard, seeing her like that. It kills me each time I go. And it hurts like mad when I am home thinking about her and her llness. But I still go. My dads got cancer and even during his treatment he still went regular. I dont think they are scared I think they are selfish and self centered. And right now, at this minute, I hate them more than I have ever hated anyone in my life. And I dont want to feel like that. I don't want to care what they do or dont do. They are the ones who will suffer in the end for not being there and doing hte right thing. I dont understand how they can face themselves in the mirror each day knowing they have abandoned their own mother

[Angie]

oh hun have some hugs xx

[Suzi]

Sweetheart I can understand that you are angry, but hun hasn't this horrible illness tried to destroy your family already? Don't let it...

[Jackiek]

It has Suzie. My marriage is pretty much non existance, although, for all his faults, he knows we are struggling with all we have to deal with. I am pretty much angry at the world, but I know that is nothing too unusual, given all that has happened the past couple of years. but with my brothers, I can't accept what they do. I love them, but hate them more. I want them to understand just how much it hurts my dad and how much it would hurt mom if she knew. Which is probably the one blessing, she is not fully aware of how little they go.

I am feeling very confused today again. I have sat here tonight and cried like I haven't for a long time. It is too much sometimes isnt it

[Suzi]

*hugs* sweetheart... Could you suggest that you all go together? Even if it's once a month?

[Jackiek]

my brothers? No, they know they dont' go often enough. But they find excuses. My one brother always takes his little kids, which is nice, but mom is at the stage where she wants and needs your attention while you are there. Very childlike she is now. And she gets angry when he goes, because he is always running after the little ones. My dad has asked me not to say anything, specially to my one brother, because there will be a row and he will stop my dad from seeing the grandkids :(

Today I feel like I am wading through thick mud, just to get some work done. I hate these days

[Angie]

oh hun hugs

[Suzi]

When did you see your GP last love?