Saures
25-03-12, 08:57 AM
I'm Hannah, I'm 16, and I currently live in Devon.
I started noticing a change in my personality when I was around 10. It started when I started to feel really alone, it was around the time my older brother and sister were moving out, and I feel as if I had to go out into the world alone, whilst they grew up together, making me feel as if I had no one.
I then began to get extremely stressed out because I had to move into secondary school, my school was chosen by my father, who didn't even ask my opinion on which school I would prefer. After failing my 11+, and realising hardly anyone I knew or got on with was going into my new school, I began to get really stressed out.
I thought the only way I could possibly get out of the stress was to simply end my life, I attempted it in three different ways, at first, I tried to walk into a road when a car drove past, but I couldn't, I then tried to slit my throat then it resulted to strangling, and obviously, neither of them worked. I didn't want to end my life, I just wanted someone to understand, which is probably why I didn't go through with it.
Over the next few years, I became friends with people who cut themselves to fit into fashion, I was bullied a lot on my appearance almost every day. The cutting to me wasn't a fashion, it was something that helped me get by on a daily basis, it was never anything which could cause scars, just a few odd scratches here and there.
The year I started my GCSE (year 9, making me about 14), I had made some amazing friends, my appearence changed, I accepted makeup, and sweeping my hair out of my face, and people accepted me more. The next year and a half, I don't remember hurting myself at all, or going through any period of pro-longed crying or sadness.
I began to get a bit promiscuous, meeting up with boys and being given attention by them. it helped me because my confidence was so low, and it made me feel wanted. I suppose you could of called me a behind the bike shed girl for a few months. I then met this one boy, who I absolutely fell head over heels for, I met him twice, and we got on really well. Until we started school.
He ignored me, didn't answer my texts, and it absolutely destroyed me. I had to have days off of school because I was just so distraught, I hurt myself to the point I now have a small scar on my lower arm.
I got over him when I met a new boyfriend, whos ex-girlfriend hated me.
I went through the next 3/4 months of school being threatened by this girl, being told she had naked pictures of me, threatening to tell everyone made up secrets, and the one time I stood up for myself, she got the police involved and almost had me put on the child protection scheme for putting naked pictures of her on a social networking site.
This obviously had a major impact on my mental health, again, with more days off of college, feeling physically ill, as well as the result of two "straightener burns", which are actually self inflicted and not caused by straighteners on my upper arm.
Things soon got back to normal, but for no reason I was hurting myself on and off, but it had gone from hurting myself with razors, to beating myself in the head, on my arms and my legs.
I originally come from Kent, but have recently moved from there, to Devon. Where I have lived for the past 8 months.
I had a boyfriend in Kent, who broke up with me after 3 months of living in Devon.
I then discovered panic attacks, and continuously beating myself, because in reality, I have little to no friends here who would happily see me outside of college.
After having panic attacks, and my parents witnessing them, I told my Mum I wanted to see the doctor.
I went to the doctor, at the time, he did seem concerned and worried for my health, asking me the usual questions, if I was on drugs, which I am not, if I am thinking suicidal thoughts, which I currently was. He prefered me to a childs clinic which deals with mental health.
They told me I wasn't depressed and that I was going through a phase, and offered me one to one sessions about "progression".
In which, every session, we discuss the same thing: How I feel when I am happy. How I can make myself happy.
And in all honesty, it has done nothing, and I believe as it goes on, I'm getting worse...
So basically, thats me in a nutshell, or a rather big nutshell.
I started noticing a change in my personality when I was around 10. It started when I started to feel really alone, it was around the time my older brother and sister were moving out, and I feel as if I had to go out into the world alone, whilst they grew up together, making me feel as if I had no one.
I then began to get extremely stressed out because I had to move into secondary school, my school was chosen by my father, who didn't even ask my opinion on which school I would prefer. After failing my 11+, and realising hardly anyone I knew or got on with was going into my new school, I began to get really stressed out.
I thought the only way I could possibly get out of the stress was to simply end my life, I attempted it in three different ways, at first, I tried to walk into a road when a car drove past, but I couldn't, I then tried to slit my throat then it resulted to strangling, and obviously, neither of them worked. I didn't want to end my life, I just wanted someone to understand, which is probably why I didn't go through with it.
Over the next few years, I became friends with people who cut themselves to fit into fashion, I was bullied a lot on my appearance almost every day. The cutting to me wasn't a fashion, it was something that helped me get by on a daily basis, it was never anything which could cause scars, just a few odd scratches here and there.
The year I started my GCSE (year 9, making me about 14), I had made some amazing friends, my appearence changed, I accepted makeup, and sweeping my hair out of my face, and people accepted me more. The next year and a half, I don't remember hurting myself at all, or going through any period of pro-longed crying or sadness.
I began to get a bit promiscuous, meeting up with boys and being given attention by them. it helped me because my confidence was so low, and it made me feel wanted. I suppose you could of called me a behind the bike shed girl for a few months. I then met this one boy, who I absolutely fell head over heels for, I met him twice, and we got on really well. Until we started school.
He ignored me, didn't answer my texts, and it absolutely destroyed me. I had to have days off of school because I was just so distraught, I hurt myself to the point I now have a small scar on my lower arm.
I got over him when I met a new boyfriend, whos ex-girlfriend hated me.
I went through the next 3/4 months of school being threatened by this girl, being told she had naked pictures of me, threatening to tell everyone made up secrets, and the one time I stood up for myself, she got the police involved and almost had me put on the child protection scheme for putting naked pictures of her on a social networking site.
This obviously had a major impact on my mental health, again, with more days off of college, feeling physically ill, as well as the result of two "straightener burns", which are actually self inflicted and not caused by straighteners on my upper arm.
Things soon got back to normal, but for no reason I was hurting myself on and off, but it had gone from hurting myself with razors, to beating myself in the head, on my arms and my legs.
I originally come from Kent, but have recently moved from there, to Devon. Where I have lived for the past 8 months.
I had a boyfriend in Kent, who broke up with me after 3 months of living in Devon.
I then discovered panic attacks, and continuously beating myself, because in reality, I have little to no friends here who would happily see me outside of college.
After having panic attacks, and my parents witnessing them, I told my Mum I wanted to see the doctor.
I went to the doctor, at the time, he did seem concerned and worried for my health, asking me the usual questions, if I was on drugs, which I am not, if I am thinking suicidal thoughts, which I currently was. He prefered me to a childs clinic which deals with mental health.
They told me I wasn't depressed and that I was going through a phase, and offered me one to one sessions about "progression".
In which, every session, we discuss the same thing: How I feel when I am happy. How I can make myself happy.
And in all honesty, it has done nothing, and I believe as it goes on, I'm getting worse...
So basically, thats me in a nutshell, or a rather big nutshell.