Waiting for brighter days

[Strugglingmum]

My new thread. The title pretty much describes how things are for me right now. My waiting isn't passive, I'm actively doing what I can to try and bring about those brighter days. The basics are where I am at, and a lot of days I dont achieve all of those but I am keeping going. Last week I had little to no spoons, this week, I have a few more. Today I aim to get some fresh air, even if just a little walk.
I have no EMDR this week so I can just relax and put therapy to the very back of my mind.
I had a crochet order weighing on me as I struggled to lift my hook but I finished it yesterday. I am not taking any on for a while, I'm going to craft for me and see if I can find the joy in it again instead of the stress.
So that's how things are at my end.

[Jaquaia]

(panda)

[Paula]

It’s sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need right now, lovely. You’re so strong! (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Katie and I had a lovely walk today. First one together in a long time

[OldMike]

I braved the mud wind and rain on the walkway enroute to the Boundary Stone for lunch of gammon and egg followed by shopping at the Coop.

Glad you got your walk in SMum I see you're a walker extraordinaire (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Glad you got out Mike, it does help the mood a bit. I'm hoping to get out shortly for today's spree

[Strugglingmum]

Got my walk in today and tackled a few overdue tasks.... simple ones that for some reason I couldn't get on with.

[Paula]

Well done, sweetie

[Jaquaia]

You're doing brilliantly (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Tackled the food shop today. Took a nap this afternoon to recover.

[SJW180]

Glad I’m not the only one who needs recovery time after a trip to the supermarket. Hope the nap was enough to bring you back to yourself.

[Strugglingmum]

Heading out for dinner tonight with the family. It was my sons birthday earlier in the week so nice excuse to get together. I even popped some makeup on

[Paula]

Ooo have fun!

[OldMike]

Nice one SMum enjoy your meal out and I'm sure you will.

[Strugglingmum]

Met a friend for coffee today. It was nice to be out with someone.
I think I'm feeling a bit lonely as I'm struggling to go out anywhere. A was off work on Tuesday so that was nice too.
I'm not great but I'm keeping going and hope things will improve soon.

[Paula]

(panda)

[OldMike]

Nothing better than a chat and a cup of coffee (bear)

[Strugglingmum]

EMDR today.

[Paula]

Hope it’s not too horrible, love

[Jaquaia]

(panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Session was cancelled as psychologist was sick. Rescheduled for next Thursday. A reprieve. Did the weekly shop instead.

[Paula]

How are you doing, love? Are you doing nice things for you this weekend?

[Strugglingmum]

Oh Paula, tbh I'm really not that well. My symptoms are really bad, I feel low and my anxiety is so bad some days I cant leave the house...... but I'm not hitting despair or anything, I'm just struggling day to day. I'm not taking care of myself very well, I'm not swimming or walking, i need someone with me a lot of the time but, I'm able to do stuff for other people itms.
I'm at that stage where plans could be cancelled at the drop of a hat very easily if noone is depending on me.
I have the seniors Christmas lunch to make on Monday so I'm doing some prep for that over the weekend. A is playing golf this morning but other than that we will be together. I'm sure things will pick up soon. I aim to get showered today.

[Paula]

Why do you think you’re able to do stuff for others but not yourself? Are you not leaving enough spoons for yourself or do you feel you’re not worthy of being nice to yourself?

Oh, and having a shower is great self care so, if you manage that, that’s awesome (panda). You’re awesome!

[Strugglingmum]

I guess it's the worthy thing.

[Paula]

Can you trust me that you really are worthy? You are kind, compassionate, a wonderful friend and I would not have asked you back to be a mod if I didn’t think you are a wonderful human being

[SJW180]

I guess it's the worthy thing.

Ok you are about to get Stella’d

The fact that you are finding things difficult at the moment yet still using the short supply of energy you have ensuring that a bunch of elderly folk have a warm meal in their belly in this cold weather makes you an absolute angel. That in itself makes you more that worthy. You are appreciated for all that you do and from a personal point of view I am grateful for your interaction with me which I understand is hard but I can tell you now if you lived closer I would absolutely do anything I could to help you out in the practical sense because you deserve the support. Unfortunately, I can only offer the virtual support but always here to talk anytime.

[Strugglingmum]

Had a great bunch of folk in to lunch club today for their Christmas dinner. It went well and everyone had a great time. Lots of smiles and hugs.

[Paula]

Did you enjoy it?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm pleased to have done it for them but I'm also glad it's not hanging over me anymore either

[Paula]

I can understand that. Are you going to be resting tomorrow?

[Strugglingmum]

This morning I have to take Angus to the Vet for his 2nd vaccine.
He hates travelling and cries the whole time, I think it's more about being closed in a carrier than anything else.
Tonight we are taking the BB boys to the cinema. It's a private screening of Elf. I cant wait. I love the movie but have never seen it on the big screen

[Paula]

Elf is awesome! Have a really good time :)

[Strugglingmum]

Had a session with psychologist this morning. We did not do any EMDR as she wasnt happy with my headspace.
Its wet and windy here but the fire is lit. I need to get some work done but its hard to get motivated

[Paula]

Maybe you need to take the rest of the day just for you? Do something soothing?

[OldMike]

Wet and windy here too, as Paula said do something for you whether it's crochet, reading a book or braving the elements and going for a walk.

[Paula]

How are you doing, love?

[Strugglingmum]

A and I have worked together around the house....its a lot cleaner and tidier!! I work better with someone atm.
Still a lot to do but plans for tomorrow to do some nice things, church, niece's birthday get together, a few errands.

[Paula]

Good, proud of you, hunni

[Strugglingmum]

For the last couple of years I have increasingly been having dental problems. The constant teeth grinding and constant super clenched jaw has caused my jaw bone to shrink and my gums to inflame. Basically I have given myself really bad gum disease, so although my teeth are healthy they are all loosening.
I've a back tooth half out, half still held. I've been in agony all weekend. Managed to get an urgent appointment today at the dentist.
I know it's silly but I'm devastated to be losing my teeth, especially as the teeth themselves are healthy teeth.
I am grateful to my dental practice for fitting me in, so I will try focus on the positive. Sorry for the pity party.

It's just another gift from my PTSD.

[SJW180]

I have the same problem but mine is as much a side effect from the medication a take and using a CPAP as dry mouth is a big problem for me. I too am upset at the prospect of losing my teeth so I know how you feel.

[Paula]

6 of my lower teeth (canines to front tooth) have been removed and replaced by a huge bridge over the years. I hate it, but try to be grateful I have access to great dental care and no one would know I’ve lost so many

[Strugglingmum]

Delighted to have my tooth out.
I'm an NHS patient at the dental surgery so as I lose my teeth I have no idea what help I'll get with the gaps. Thankfully this one is at the back so cant be seen

[Paula]

Glad it’s out - I hope it isn’t too sore. Soup and soft bread for dinner?

[Strugglingmum]

I managed mashed potatoes and soft veg and a little bit of meat.

[Paula]

How are you doing today, lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

It's been a busy week so far but it helps to stop me overthinking too much.
I've had my nails done, my haircut, done the food shop, BB Christmas party and some sewing. We have a wedding tomorrow and A realised that his good clothes dont fit so we had to do an emergency run to M&S last night for a jacket.....we dont have funds for a new suit! I just looked at his only white shirt and I think I will have to make a run tonight to get him a shirt.
I'm not great, my flashbacks are awful and I'm exhausted most of the time but I'm eating and drinking and taking a bit better care of me.

[Paula]

Oh lovely, I’m sorry (panda). Do you have a session?

[Strugglingmum]

I have one next Tuesday but I may cancel. One of my mum's best friends has died at 100. I feel like I should go to the funeral but it overlaps with my session.

[Jaquaia]

Would you be able to rearrange it? It sounds like you really need that support at the moment lovely

[SJW180]

That’s a really tough one. You only get one chance to say goodbye but when it comes at a cost to your own well-being? How close were you to this family friend?

[Paula]

Would you be able to rearrange it? It sounds like you really need that support at the moment lovely

wss, is it worth just asking the question?

[Strugglingmum]

As its on Christmas week I imagine it will be after the holidays before I will get rescheduled, however I haven't made a final decision.
My mum had 3 really good friends, they all went out together for lunch etc and they were all at my wedding. I feel like I would be representing my mum if I went. I would be doing it to honor her

[Paula]

You have to do what feels right for you, love

[SJW180]

As its on Christmas week I imagine it will be after the holidays before I will get rescheduled, however I haven't made a final decision.
My mum had 3 really good friends, they all went out together for lunch etc and they were all at my wedding. I feel like I would be representing my mum if I went. I would be doing it to honor her

I can totally understand that way of thinking. It’s what I would want to do too but as she was so close to your mum do you not think she would want you to look after yourself first? Just doing the devils advocate thing.

[Strugglingmum]

Had a lovely day at the wedding yesterday, although I was totally peopled out by the time dinner was over, we left before the dancing.
I felt yesterday like I was coming down with something and survived the day on brufen. I feel grotty today but did my craft group this morning but Ive been tucked up in front of the fire since.

[Jaquaia]

So glad you have a lovely day! Sounds like being tucked up in front of the fire is exactly what you need (panda)

[Paula]

(panda)

[SJW180]

Well done. You’ve earned your chill out evening.

[magie06]

Sending gentle hugs. (bear)

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you all. Hubby is getting take away food for dinner as I just cant!!
I have developed a bad cough and a bit of a temperature. At least I should be better for Christmas

[SJW180]

Fingers crossed it passes quickly.

[Paula]

(panda) rest up, love

[magie06]

I hope you feel better very soon.

[Strugglingmum]

Today I feel rubbish.
This virus is really taking it out of me. I went to the Carol Service in church last night as we had arranged to meet my son, his girlfriend and my daughter there. I got through it with plenty of brufen.
I woke today, got a lemsip and some more brufen and fell asleep again. I got up at lunchtime but I've been tucked up on the couch since. A is off today and we had planned to go out for the day. I feel guilty for ruining his day off but of course he doesn't see it that way. He is so kind to me.
I have cancelled my Psychology appointment tomorrow as there is no way I could do any work tomorrow. I'm hoping to manage a few jobs around the house if I feel a bit better.

[Jaquaia]

Sounds like rest is what you really need. And A doesn't see it as you ruining his day off as he loves you!

[Paula]

Covid is really ramping up around where I live, have you done a test?

Cancelling psychology sounds like a very good idea - but why do you feel you have to do jobs around the house? You need as much rest as you can, love (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

I know and A wants me to rest but I need to get stuff done for Christmas. There's things I need to do myself

[Strugglingmum]

Its official.... I'm an idiot!!
I felt slightly better today so thought I would tackle shopping. Asda, Iceland, Tesco, Home Bargains and Matalan.
Back on the sofa now feeling rubbish but at least I achieved something

[Jaquaia]

Because of course, you had to do 5 shops in one day whilst feeling crap!

You better be resting now! *Shakes fist*

[Paula]

*not going to nag* nope, got nothing to say…..

[SJW180]

I need a lie down just reading that.

[Strugglingmum]

My daughter arrived, lit the fire, helped put the shopping away and chilled with me for a while.
Tomorrow I rest, I need rid of this for Friday night.

[SJW180]

Glad you had a bit of help from your lass. I’m sure you enjoyed the company too. I know it’s a challenge but you think you can actually rest up for a while?

[Strugglingmum]

Today I'm not budging from the house. I'm going to do my wrapping I think. I walked down the lane to get the bin and let Katie stretch her legs so I got a bit of fresh air blowing about me. Definitely still feeling drained but a bit better than yesterday and definitely better than Monday.
Why do we crave the strangest things when we are sick? The past few days it has been a chicken paste sandwich....white bread of course. I've been loving them but not something I would normally eat.

Last night was amazing. Io was down for dinner then went to band practice but asked if she could come back after for a while. She stayed until the early hours really talking, like deep meaningful conversations. We talked love, life, faith, health, friendships etc.
I know lots of mums get this regularly and I used to as well but she has shut us out for so long. I cherish it deeply

[Paula]

That is wonderful! I’m so chuffed for you :)

[magie06]

That is so lovely! I'm not crying, I have hayfever! Or I have something in my eye! ;(

[Strugglingmum]

Such a busy couple of days with family. I'm very blessed but also shattered so early night for me. Tomorrow is our 'do nothing' day. Jammies, movies and leftovers.

[SJW180]

That sounds like a great way to spend Boxing Day.

[Paula]

Perfect! How are you doing?

[Strugglingmum]

It's been a strange couple of days. Mil has a clot on her lung. She has been in hospital since yesterday morning. Finally just got a bed on the ward. I feel better about leaving her now she is on a ward. Just waiting on my hubby coming to collect me after dropping his aunts to get the boat back to Scotland. Definitely a strange Christmas

[Paula]

(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I know exactly what you mean. Thinking of you all (panda)

[OldMike]

My thoughts and prayers are with you SMum (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Mil is getting out of hospital today. I'm just waiting on her prescription being ready and then I can pick her up.

[SJW180]

Are you still waiting on the script? :P Honestly, hospital pharmacies take so long. I hope you managed to get her home and settled at a reasonable time.

[Strugglingmum]

Finally got out of the hospital just after 4pm. She is home and settled.

[OldMike]

Glad mother in law is back home and settled as being in hospital is always a worry.

[Paula]

How are things, lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

Mil is doing a bit better but very frail.
Fil was in hospital for a few days for surgery on a growth on his scalp. He got home today so both of them are needing care. My husband aunts are over from Scotland this week helping out and trying to get things organised.
Today I had to take my mil cat to a sanctuary to be rehomed. She couldn't look after it anymore and it wasnt fair on the wee cat. Thankfully we were able to find somewhere to take it in.
All go here!!

[Paula]

I’m so glad you found somewhere for the cat - it’s heartbreaking when the owner can’t look after them anymore.

Hunni, are you taking any time for you?

[Strugglingmum]

Yes I'm being careful. Yesterday I went and got my nails done.
We have booked a break for the end of the month.

[Paula]

Good :)

[OldMike]

Nails done and a break at the end of the month sounds like a plan, good for you.

[Paula]

Sorry bout that, Mike, Marc’s trying to get to the bottom of why it keeps happening…

[Strugglingmum]

Had a swim today for the first time in a couple of months. Had to really push myself to go but glad that I did.

[Paula]

That’s great! Well done!

[SJW180]

Is this going to become a regular thing again cos I know a swim puts you in your happy place.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm very flat today.
Had a EMDR session this morning which was very tough.
Then got a call from mil that fil needed to go to an urgent appointment with the nurse at the health centre.
I very rarely go to the health centre, especially the nurse as its really triggering for me and it actually wreaked me today.
I feel so horrible right now. Hoping a cup of coffee and a snuggle in my blanket helps me out.

[Paula]

Oh love, I’m so sorry (panda). Is A home soon? Will you tell him how tough todays been?

[Strugglingmum]

He is working overtime today but I've calmed a bit and got myself together a bit.

[magie06]

(bear)

[Strugglingmum]

Went to go for a swim this morning only to find I had a flat tire so a long walk with Katie instead. It was still really windy but dry and fresh. Definitely enjoyed it.....and so did Katie.

[magie06]

I hope that the storm didn't do too much damage in your area. It was very wild here.

[Strugglingmum]

We head away on holiday on Friday. Can't wait, just busy getting everything ready to go and for those left behind!!

[SJW180]

Where are you heading for your holibobs?

[Paula]

We head away on holiday on Friday. Can't wait, just busy getting everything ready to go and for those left behind!!

(party)

[Strugglingmum]

Where are you heading for your holibobs?

Oooh we are heading to the Isle of Bute. Lots of quiet and walking. It's my combined Christmas/birthday present plus we just need it and thought, why the hell not.

[Paula]

Sounds heavenly

[SJW180]

Sounds like the perfect break for you. Hope you have fully enjoyable and relaxing time.

[Strugglingmum]

Off on holidays early in the morning. Cant wait, lots of ladt minute packing happening here tonight.

[Paula]

Have a wonderful time!

[Jaquaia]

Have an amazing time!

[SJW180]

Enjoy

[Strugglingmum]

Had a wonderful break away with the hubby. Feeling recharged.

[Paula]

Great to have you back! (Kiss)

[Jaquaia]

So glad you had a fab time!

[Strugglingmum]

Good morning everyone.
What's everyone up to today?
I'm off to cook for our senior's lunch club.
Bangers and mash or carrot and lentil soup. Ginger cake and custard all on the menu today.
I have band practice tonight so need to get some practice in this afternoon!! I did nothing while I was away.

[Paula]

And you sound very bright for it :)

[magie06]

So glad that you enjoyed yourself.

[Strugglingmum]

Taking my kitten to get neutered today. I drop him off and then I have a nail and hair appointment. Think I'm meeting my daughter for coffee after all that. A day out. X

[Paula]

Apart from kitten, it all sounds lovely. Enjoy ;)

[SJW180]

I'm sure the kitten will love you still after getting his nuts chopped off

[Strugglingmum]

Had a psychology appointment this morning. Home, fire lit and cuddling the cat. That's me for the day, my spoons are gone.

[Paula]

I’m so glad you’re listening to your body

[Strugglingmum]

I've been finding things very up and down recently so I'm trying to get a little bit of structure back in my life to see if it helps. Just had my 2nd swim of the week and my lovely son is taking me out for lunch.... belated for my birthday as I was away and he has taken a few days off this week.
I haven't done any knitting or crochet in ages so going to try a little bit of that too.
Otherwise I just scroll on my phone and that is so bad for my mental health. Trying to take back a little control.

[Paula]

Routine helps me too. Enjoy your lunch:)

[Strugglingmum]

Delighted to have swam twice this week and have it worked into my calendar for next week.
Went out for breakfast with some ladies from church this morning. It was lovely.
The plan was, to work on our van today but the weather is so bad here we have the fire lit and I've just made us all a cup of milky coffee. Feet up and trying to decide 2hat to get up to next

[Paula]

What a fab post!

[SJW180]

Milky coffee! That takes my back. I need to have a proper milky coffee now you’ve put the idea in my head.

[Strugglingmum]

Lovely swim this morning and a shopping trip for craft things for BB. Band practice tonight. Feet up this afternoon.... I bought cake for a cuppa (tea)

[SJW180]

Ohhh, I quite fancy a slice of cake.

[Paula]

Morning gorgeous! What’s your plans for today?

[Strugglingmum]

I have spent all morning prepping the craft for BB tonight. We have 44 boys so it takes ages.
A is home in bed with a bad back. He went to get off the sofa last night and pain just shot through his lower back. Think he overdid things on Sunday working outside. It's not like him to stay in bed so we will see what he is like tomorrow and phone GP if necessary.

I have an EMDR session today at 5pm. Not ideal as I then have to go straight to BB but my therapist is away on training for a week so she couldn't fit me in any other time and didn't want to leave it 4 weeks between sessions.

[Paula]

Oh no, poor A!

[SJW180]

Ouch! I hope A gets better soon. Back pain is no joke. Hope the session goes well tonight.

[Strugglingmum]

Managed to swim a mile this morning, first time in a couple of years. Super pleased

[SJW180]

Well done. I’m going to venture out for some exercise tomorrow, not swimming though. Just walking.

[Paula]

Very impressive :)

[Strugglingmum]

I've been so missing in action , sorry, fil finally passed away yesterday. It's been a long and tiring few weeks but his suffering is now over. We are exhausted.

[Paula]

Oh, love, I’m sorry. Please take some time for you (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As Paula said, please look after you (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Its been a time. Sorry, I've been in a poor place.
My fil died leaving a financial and legal mess behind him. I dont know when we will ever get it sorted. Family have been difficult and tbh I'm struggling with it all. I hate drama and it feels like there is drama everywhere.
As I said to my therapist, it feels like there isnt any part of life that is easy right now, everything is hard.
I have had awful neuralgia for the past 5 weeks which has driven me to a deep pit.
I finally got a tooth extracted this morning which we hop
e was the cause.
Anyway, hopefully I can start to see a bit of light soon.
Peace and love to you all

[Jaquaia]

(panda)

[Paula]

Oh hunni, I’m so sorry you’ve having a rough time of it (panda)

[OldMike]

When each of my parents died even though they both made wills it still took nearly a year iin each case to get things sorted so you have my sympathy SMum.
Hope things start to improve soon SMum (bear) (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

My face is feeling much better today, its achy from the extraction but the neuralgia seems to have settled a lot. I definitely feel a bit more human. Going to catch up on some housework today. The house is disgusting from me being so low and doing the bare minimum. Also my husband keeps bringing stuff from his mums to dispose of but it never reaches further than my hall!! A trip to the recycling centre is in order me thinks!!

[Paula]

Please make sure you give yourself some me time too