View Full Version : The Black Sheep
Seeing this account hasn’t been taken down already I guess it’s save to start a thread of my own. I know a lot of you here are angry with me and I get it. The one thing I am good at is destroying relationships and hurting the ones I love, especially when I’m hurting myself. All I can do is say I’m sorry. I don’t expect any interaction, I just need a place to rant, get things off my chest.
I’ve not been in a good place for quite a while and was to scared to do what I’ve done here, set up a new account, because I felt like I needed permission somehow. For someone to say it was ok. I waited too long and now this forum as a gaping Suzi shaped hole in it. I don’t know if DWD can survive without her cos she was the one who breathed life into this place. I may not have always agreed with her methods but I could never doubt her dedication and how important it was for her to help others even when so often she was the one who needed help. I always hoped that somehow I could find a way to patch things up with you all, I don’t expect your forgiveness but or friendship but I just don’t want to be resented. Put everything behind us and move forward even if that meant going in different directions.
DWD is a family, and every family has a black sheep. I suppose that’s me.
Another night of crying myself to sleep. I have a christening to attend at lunchtime but I really don’t feel up to it. At the same time I don’t want to let them down by not attending so I will have to go. It feels wrong to be celebrating right now. I can’t get over the fact that someone so young, someone so good is no longer with us. If I could trade places so she could be back with her family I’d do it in a heartbeat. She had so much to offer the world.
This morning I learned that another friend has passed away. 2 deaths in 3 days and both of of them in their 40s. I guess it true, only the good die young. Maybe destined to be the last man standing. Watching and those that I love leave while I’m left grieving alone. I remember a long time ago I posted on this forum about how I expected my funeral to be quiet cos nobody would come to say goodbye. I didn’t thing for one minute I’d be the one mourning the loss of those I care about.
Strugglingmum
23-04-23, 01:38 PM
Mourning deeply is the cost of loving deeply.
Sorry for your loss
Thanks SM. It sure does make you realise just how fragile life is. This has been a really tough week.
I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. So many thoughts and feelings, many contracting each other. It’s like a rollercoaster ride where every turn leads to a different memory trigging a different emotion. I find it difficult at the best of times to process things as easily as others and right now I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I know it’s not a pleasant feeling lying on a pillow drenched in tears. I get frustrated because I want everything to be logical, to make sense but….
Today is not a good day. I managed a couple of hours sleep this afternoon. It’s better than nothing. At 7pm tonight I was ready to to drink enough booze to drown me while watching trashy tv and listening the depressing music. Instead I’m currently sat drinking Strawberry Lemonade and watching Great Expectations. I made the right choice this time. It would be so easy to crack open a bottle, give into temptation but then I ask myself WWSS? The answer would be don’t drink, take your meds, talk about it. The first two are easy. The latter not so much. My words won’t make a bit of difference cos there is nobody to hear them. Nobody to offer compassion or understanding. There’s nobody to care.
Strugglingmum
24-04-23, 11:03 PM
Well done on making good choices.
You say nobody cares but you had lots of people showing they care on your fb posts.
I had a great big long post written out and deleted it because by talking about things here is something I just can’t do. DWD was once a vibrant little community where everyone supported each other regardless of their own troubles. I genuine hope that it can get back to that again soon. For Suzi’s legacy to live on.
Im sorry you feel like that. I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I’m finding it almost impossible to cope with my own grief, never mind anyone else’s. And yes, I know it’s my responsibility, but I’m struggling with my mental health and even the bare minimum of life is almost impossible. Suzi’s legacy will live on, but it’s been less than a week and it’s going to take time, so all members will have to be as kind to others as they expect us to be to them
Strugglingmum
25-04-23, 12:06 PM
I totally believe dwd will be vibrant again but for now we are all grieving and everyone will do that differently. Some will want to talk and remember, some will want to hide away to lick their wounds in private and some will do a mixture of both. For now we all need to give each other a bit of grace....its very early days.
We are all here because we struggle with our mental health, noone can give from an empty cup. A lot of is are in survival mode, just trying to make it through the day. Let's give each other grace to do what we need to do to get through this. X
Im sorry you feel like that. I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I’m finding it almost impossible to cope with my own grief, never mind anyone else’s. And yes, I know it’s my responsibility, but I’m struggling with my mental health and even the bare minimum of life is almost impossible. Suzi’s legacy will live on, but it’s been less than a week and it’s going to take time, so all members will have to be as kind to others as they expect us to be to them
Paula I completely understand that I want to be there for you and everyone else here who loved Suzi. I don’t see it as being solely your responsibility either so please don’t put that pressure on yourself. Suzi has played a huge role in the lives of everyone here so of course you are struggling. We all are which is why it’s so important that we are there for each other. This forum was built on peer support. I know several you have issues with me and don’t expect that to suddenly change. Trust is built, trust is earned. All I can say is that I care deeply about the people here that I came to call friends and I want to be there for you as much as I need to be around people who understand just how special Suzi was and how she impacted our lives.
Dragged myself out of bed this morning to go and play rounders. Didn’t really feel up for it but at the same time I knew that lying around all day wasn’t going to help either. Not many people turned up but there were a load of kids at the venue for a primary school cricket skills day. It was a taster session and I was a little confused by the rules around scoring (who knew a 1/2 rounder was a thing) but it was still fun. Back home now, aching a fair bit but taken my meds like a good girl and as they make me seriously drowsy I might have an afternoon nap before football (watching not playing) tonight.
Oh and for anyone who might understand what a massive deal this is on so many levels for me, tomorrow I will be driving to to London, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to be precise to see Tottenham Women take on Brighton. I was going to go two months ago but I bottled it at the last minute. This time everything planned and paid for. I even have premium seating on the halfway line. Both excited and terrified at the same time.
Wow wow wow! What an incredible experience. I’ve supported Tottenham for 40 years and never been to our home ground. The idea of being at a PL match with 60,000 loud and energetic people is more than a little intimidating. Add in the costs and travelling it’s not been possible for me before. Some of you may remember from last year I set myself a huge challenge to attend 3 major sports events, the Women’s Euros, Commonwealth Games and volunteered at the Rugby League World Cup. It wasn’t easy but it was definitely the best thing I have ever done.
A couple of months ago I planned a trip to Tottenham. Remember talking to my therapist at the time about how the people here would tell me off a bit for my “all or nothing” approach which often leads to me taking on too much and suffering afterwards. Yeah, may not have been around but DWD was always in my heart. Anyway, when it came time to commit I completely freaked out and bottled it. A long train journey alone to a place I’m not familiar with and my first time on the underground…I just couldn’t do it. I thought I’d missed my change but then a couple of weeks ago I saw a tweet that the Brighton game had been switched from the women’s usual ground and would be played at Tottenham Hotspur stadium. I had a second chance and was about to find an alternative way to make it happen. Managed to arrange parking at the stadium so I could drive down. I found somebody to go with me so I had company and support.
My first sight of the stadium I was in awe. The place is HUGE! Never seen anything like it. Even the club shop is the size of a department store. It was unreal. I’d purchased premium seats which at £19 was a bargain. The same seats for a PL game would cost £430 more!!!! As well as padded seats we had access to the premium bar and lounge. The facilities were so impressive it was easy to forget you were at a football match. Michelin star food available in the restaurant area and even the “takeaway” food was awesome. Never been to a footy match where a buttermilk chicken burger which maple bacon, spicy coleslaw and potato wedges was on the menu and it was to die for.
Brighton went ahead twice but Beth England pulled it back both times before being substituted. The game ended 2-2 but the result didn’t matter. I got to wear my spurs shirt in our home stadium and watch a game. I loved it. I know most of you guys aren’t into sport but this was a dream come true for me.
I bought my first ever season ticket for Worcester Warriors, by local Rugby Union team. 3 games in the team folded for due to financial issues. Pretty much sums up my luck. That’s when I decided to go to WSL (women’s super league) matches instead. Aston Villa are the nearest top flight team for me and at Christmas I treated myself to a half season ticket which at £45 for 6-7 games was a bargain. A couple of weeks ago I even went to my first game alone. An FA Cup semifinal which included a nightmare train journey but I did it.
Strugglingmum
30-04-23, 03:33 PM
Sounds like you had a great time
Oh seriously mate it was amazing. Best day ever. Never thought it would happen.
Not going to lie. Been thinking a lot about Suzi tonight. I’ve been missing her for a long time and to thing that I’ll moved hear her wisdom again is truly heart breaking.
I’m not looking for sympathy. Far from it. I truly loved that woman with all my heart and to think that she is no longer with us and left us thinking that I didn’t appreciate her and all she did for me hurts so deeply cos that was never the case. I admit I fought against the things I struggled to deal with and maybe she felt I was fighting against her but that wasn’t the truth. I have had so many struggled that didn’t want to face and yes I fought hard against that because I wasn’t ready to accept the truth. I’m not gonna lie that is still hard for me. I loved Suzi with all my heart and she challenged me on so many levels and I fought back against the truth. I was scared to see what was right in front of me. It was never personal. I genuinely loved her for her honesty and I can’t believe she’s gone. How am I supposed to go on without her? I know she touched everybody here but the last 6 months have been hell for me and to think that I will never have her wisdom to rely on ever again… I genuinely don’t know how I can go on.This women changed my life in ways no one could ever understand. You all may have your opinions about me but I loved Suzi with all my heart. I hate that she is going to the grave not knowing how much I appreciate every little thing she did for me.
I only have myself to blame
Didn’t sleep well last night. Been awake since 5am.
Hope you’re going to rest today then
I wanted to clean the car out but don’t have the energy. All I’ve done this morning is listen to podcasts.
Been a bit emotional today. Probably in part down to a lack of sleep. Doesn’t look like tonight is gonna be much better either.
Made sure I took all my meds, including pain meds today but I still felt pain when I threw my darts tonight. I managed an 8 game unbeaten run but that came to an end in the 2nd round of the cup tonight. Can’t complain, I had chances and didn’t take them. She did so fair play. If I’m honest I’ve ridden my luck in a few of my wins and only naturally my streak would come to an end. I feel exhausted and upset with myself right now. Time to put it aside and start again tomorrow in another cup competition in another league tomorrow while undertaking the captains role.
Not long got the bad news about the MOT. I knew I needed a new tyre and a brake pipe replaced but my rear suspension bushes need replacing which isn’t the best job. To get her back up and running it’s gonna cost me £300. Looks like the new bed I was saving up for is going to have to wait. Happy Birthday to me :(
The girls at darts have been celebrating birthdays and I did say I didn’t want any fuss and asked to be left out when my time came. Last week they said about a “team building” day on Monday and as captain I got to choose either crazy golf or bowling. I’m clearly not as dumb as they think I am cos it was obviously going to be a birthday celebration for me. I told them I couldn’t do Monday. That’s my polite way of saying I don’t want to attend my own surprise party. We’ve got darts tonight, a knock out comp so they will have to settle for my company in a crappy pub instead.
Strugglingmum
03-05-23, 06:37 PM
Hope the darts goes well tonight
We put up a good fight in the first round but lost 4-2, next game went down 4-0. Ended up going back to our home venue for a few more drinks and birthday cake. It was a fun night.
Yesterday it was a friends PIP tribunal. I had tried to help her throughout the process the way others have helped me in the past. Another of our friends from the darts team came along for moral support too. Obviously the hearing is never a nice thing to go through but we’ve did it together. Told us the decision would be in post and thankfully it arrived this morning, she has been awarded the daily living component back paid for a year. I’m really happy for her and I know the money will make a big difference to her.
Afterward we went to see the other friends horses. I’m really not a horsey kind of person but the other two and it was just nice to see them in their element. It was a lovely day and the views from the yard were gorgeous. It was just really chilled. Them we heading back to enjoy a carvery for lunch. To give you an idea of just how nice they are, T saw a person eating alone and invited them over to sit with us. A complete stranger but didn’t like the idea of them eating alone. I would never have thought to make that offer. Halfway through the meal I just blurted out just how much those meant to me and how grateful I was to be spending time with them. Of course they made a joke about me still being drunk from the night before and laughed it off but I was being deadly serious.
Sometimes people come into your life and makes it better. Makes you a better person for knowing them. We all know someone like that here. Of course Suzi touched all of us here but she isn’t the only one. I’ve been lucky enough to meet several of the staff here, past and present, and and everyone has a quality that makes you want to know them better, to many them to be a part of your life because they make it better and I thank you all.
Why do I keep putting myself through the emotional turmoil? Every time I think there is hope I get kicked back to the gutter. Starting to think that is where I belong. I’m so sick of fighting only for those supposedly standing with me, to support me and help me through drop me and leave me struggling. I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t cope the the continued disappointment and rejection.
Strugglingmum
06-05-23, 07:40 PM
Sounds like you're having a bad day. I'm sorry you feel that way.
Bad day is an understatement. I took myself off the bed with a couple of quetiapine til I calmed down.
A while back a therapist I was working with referred me to a social prescriber who could help me with some of the outside influences I struggled to deal with. I received an email today of all days telling me she is changing jobs and therefore closing my referral and I have to go back to my GP to be referred to someone else. Of course with it being a bank holiday weekend I can’t do anything til Tuesday which has caused a bit of panic. She also left me with an email from Social Services saying basically that the court order I have in place regarding my kids isn’t worth anything as far as far as they are concerned because they spoke with the grandparents who claim that THEY took ME to court because of my boys issues and the GO and judge agree I shouldn’t see him. Pretty sure that isn’t even close to what the judge said and it’s taken over three months just to get this reply and now I’m no further forward and I’m being dropped yet again and left to cope with this situation on my own. It’s constantly one step forward and two steps back and I am running out of time.
Strugglingmum
07-05-23, 10:08 AM
I'm sorry you are going through this again.
Well done in managing your emotions though.
I had a bit of a surprise this morning. My mechanic who was waiting for a part was in the area and wanted to come fit it today. Unfortunately, due to a mate letting me down by not paying me back money he owed me I couldn’t pay him. He came anyway and said pay him Thursday. I thought that was really kind of him. Next my cleaner text and Sid she will come Wednesday and she also agreed for me to pay the day after. It’s nice to know that there are good people out there who trust me and willing to be flexible and help me out. Feeling really privileged right now. It’s just a shame that my so called friend can’t keep his word, after I was good enough to help him out, and pay me back on time.
I found myself talking to Suzi today. Again. Something happened over the past week and I thought about Suzi’s words in the past. Yet again Suzi was right but I guess I had to work it out for myself and be it the right place to act on it.
How am I supposed to cope in the future without her wisdom? It hurts so much that she didn’t realise just how much she meant to me. Just cos I wasn’t ready to act doesn’t mean I wasn’t appreciative of her opinion. The same goes for everyone here. I have never dismissed advice offered here and I appreciate you all and the fact that you have given me a chance right now means a lot. More than you can imagine. Nothing I can say will make you believe be but I hope in time I can prove to you that I am sincere, I’m not here to cause shit as many of you may thing is the case. I’m hurting, just like you are. DWD has been a huge part of my life for so many years and I have been lost without this place. I know I upset some of you but I never meant for that to be the case. I wish you could see things from my side. I love this forum, I love Suzi, I love the team. I’m devastated about the loss of the Boss Lady. The world has lost an angel. I know I’m not the only one who feels it. I don’t respond quickly to most things, I’d have thought you all know that by now. I’m not great with change but I love hard, am fiercely loyal, and have the backs of the people I care for. If you feel differently speak now. Let’s get this out in the air. Once and for all.
I’m desperate to make amends for my former mistakes. I don’t expect forgiveness but I do want people to recognise the changes I have tried to implement. I didn’t instantly become an evil person. I just ask for you to remember the good. To understand that I, like everyone else is flawed. I only ask that I am given a chance.
Before Suzi’s passing I was a mess. I not only lost my safe space but I lost some of my best friends. Purely because I was misunderstood and I am not trying to be controversial, I am trying to be honest. My opinion may not have been popular but I don’t believe I deserved all that I got. I would love to sit down with everyone and hear the other side of the story but there is no point holding my breath til that happens.
As far as the big picture is concerned non of that matters. I don’t want to be the problem. I want you to understand that I loved Suzi as much if not more that everyone here. I would’ve dropped everything and driven 2hrs to be with her. I have done on many occasions. I met Marc who is a remarkable man, I met her children who are every bit as awesome as Suzi ever made them out to be. I got to cuddle with her dogs past and present. I don’t care what you all think of me, but I got to know Suzi in person. She was so much more than “just Suzi sat on the sofa”. She loved with all her heart. She fought for all she held dear. She ignored all the shit she had been through, and holy cow there was a lot, to try and help others. Suzi had so many struggling on a personal level but she put it all aside to put her family first, and I can only wish I was half the mother she was. Even when Marc was in his darkest place she fought for their kids, for her marriage. Non of it was easy but she battled because it was right. Her love shone through the darkness. I honestly cannot tell you, and maybe I don’t need to say what a force of nature she truly was. It breaks my heart to think I’ll never hear her voice or see another of her posts again. I still can’t believe it’s real.it’s no joke when I say I would happily trade my life for hers as she had so much more to offer the world and a loving family who need her.
Strugglingmum
07-05-23, 09:56 PM
I dont think anyone here will argue with you as to what a wonderful person Suzi was. She was much loved by everyone.
You are very blessed to have spent time with her in person.
And don’t I know it. In all those years I’m surprised I am in the minority who got to know her in person. I can promise you she didn’t disappoint. I got the honour of seeing the love she had for her children and the love they had for her. I’m not going to lie, I was envious of the connection she had with her children but she sure put in the hours. She was a fierce lioness where her children were concerned and the kind of partner we all wish for where her love for Marc was concerned. I don’t wanna go in to to much detail but Marc was the love of her life. Ffs DWD wouldn’t be here if not for that love. Having met Marc in person I can totally understand why.
I’ve not had the best weekend, been really low and emotional. Today I was invited to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 3 but I really didn’t feel up to it so sat that one out. I did manage to get a few small household tasks done, took the rubbish out, done the washing up and a couple of loads of laundry. I had a shower and cooked dinner. Last job on my list is to change my bedding. All jobs that were long over due. Gonna be an early night for me tonight cos I’m knackered.
Strugglingmum
08-05-23, 09:16 PM
Sounds like a productive day. Well done. Enjoy your early night
This week we have Eurovision. Suzi and the girls loved eurovish and last year for the Queen Jubilee Wetherspoons put up bunting with purple union flags. Thinking of Suzi I asked if I could have the bunting to give to her. The plan was to send it down to her for her house party while watching on tv. I may have messed things up here and with Suzi but that doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about her or any of you. I don’t know what to do with the bunting now.
Got dragged out to darts tonight. Wasn’t really up for it but the girls weren’t going to take no for an answer. We lost the match but the curry and chips were nice after. Prior to that all I had to eat today was a bowl of porridge.
I’m getting dragged out again tomorrow cos parking is dodgy at the pub our team is playing at and my blue badge will come in handy. I’ve handed over Captains responsibility to another member of the team so I have less to worry about and I can leave earlier if I need to.
I called the GP surgery regarding the re-referral to the social prescriber and was told I needed a routine appointment and none are available until the middle of June. I’ve completed a form online which I should get a response within 48 hrs in the hope that someone with a bit of common sense can sort it without waiting 5-6 weeks and taking up a doctors time. Don’t understand why I couldn’t be transferred to who ever was taking over from the woman who is leaving. It doesn’t seem as is logic and efficiency are words they are familiar with.
Strugglingmum
10-05-23, 10:46 AM
Its great you have friends to drag you out. Sometimes we all need that.
Well done on being proactive about your referral. Hopefully you get sorted quickly
I wish. Got a reply today effectively saying you have the email address for Social Services, just get on with it. If only it were that easy. You all know the struggles I’ve had dealing with them and they are already dismissing me.
Strugglingmum
11-05-23, 10:38 AM
I wish. Got a reply today effectively saying you have the email address for Social Services, just get on with it. If only it were that easy. You all know the struggles I’ve had dealing with them and they are already dismissing me.
I guess it's a case of keep knocking those doors til someone listens.
Been busy today paying bills, getting my hair cut, getting the car filled up, wheel balanced, and tyre pressures done ready for the road trip I never thought I’d ever have to make. Really not looking forward to it but I can’t not go. I’m ready struggling with regrets without adding another to the list. All those times I fought again the hugs when visiting Suzi and Paula but right now I’d give anything for one.
Strugglingmum
11-05-23, 08:26 PM
No it isnt a day any of us imagined seeing. Drive safely.
One of the hardest days I’ve ever had to deal with on a multitude of levels. Marc and the kids were so incredibly brave. My heart was breaking for them.
I’m no stranger to loss but losing Suzi has me harder than losing my parents. When I first joined DWD I was pretty guarded. My walls were tall and thick an nobody was getting past my defences. I lifetime of hurt and disappointment left me believing that I couldn’t trust anybody else. I didn’t want to let anybody in cos I was scared of being hurt again. I don’t quite know how but Suzi chiselling away bit my bit and managed to through to me. She got me to open up and share all the painful thoughts, feeling and memories that I was living with. I felt naked and vulnerable but she assured me that it was ok and she would always be there for me. It was promise she could never realistically keep but I know wanted it to be true and so did I. On several occasions she cyber stalked me to find people near by she could reach out to and get them to check on me when she was worried. She called emergency services when I was in an especially dark place in order to keep me safe. Of course in the moment I hated her for getting in the way because I didn’t want help. I just wanted to pain to stop. By the time I calmed down and got me head back on straight I was so touched that she cared about my well-being even though I didnt. She kept me going, kept on picking me up and brushing off ready to fight the next battle
She saw something in me that I couldn’t see for myself. I still can’t see it. I don’t know why she thought someone like me was worth saving. It seems I made her regret it in the end. That the monster inside me became to much for all of you to deal with. I’ll never get that friendship back. I’ll never get to tell her how important she is to me. Was. Never get to say how much I loved her and appreciated everything she ever did for me. I let her down I don’t know how I’m supposed to live it’s that. The past 6 months or so has been hell for me. So many nights crying myself to sleep. I’m devastated to have lost the person who believed in me, that fought with me, the person changed me live forever.
It wasn’t just Suzi. There are others here who came to mean a great deal to me. I don’t need to name you. If you don’t know who you are by now you never will. I’m not going to beg for your forgiveness or hand of friendship. It’s not my place to ask. You know me better than my own family and I gave you something that money can’t buy. Something I don’t give easily and something I can’t take back even if I wanted to. I gave you my heart. I gave you my trust and whatever happens after today please know that I love you and I treasure every memory we created over the years.
Strugglingmum
12-05-23, 10:10 PM
I'm sorry you're hurting and have such regrets.
I guess we all have learnt even more to cherish those we love because you never know the day. I know tonight I held hubby just a little tighter.
Sometimes we just have to take those lessons and move on because we can't go back and undo the damage.
I wish I could just move on. No I can’t undo what has been done.
Often when I talked to Suzi I would remind her how much I loved and appreciating her and what an inspirational woman she was and how I was honoured to call her my friend. Of course she shrugged it off in her usual “I’m just Suzi sitting on my sofa” way. I felt that she needed to hear it more than the rest of us. She was always sacrificing herself for everyone else and rarely listened to her own advice, always telling us to rest and pace while spreading herself even thinner with all she took on.
Included in one of my last conversations with her were the words “I appreciate everything you have ever done for me, you have literally changed my life. Don’t underestimate just how much you mean to me”.
I don’t know if she really ever took those words onboard or even believed it to be true considering the way things ended between us.
Strugglingmum
13-05-23, 04:33 PM
I'm sorry things ended badly for you.
Suzi led the most amazing full life, because that's what she wanted to do and that's what she also wanted for all of us.
I'm sure she has no regrets to spreading herself so thinly as that's what fulfilled her. As long as Marc and her kids were ok, Suzi was ok.
Sarah.
im not on this forum much, you know that, and i have no plans to be anymore active, but i have been popping on a lot more over the last few days, and im going to remain a little more active for the next week or so, as i feel the mods here need time to grieve too.
DWD was Suzi's 4th baby and it meant a huge amount to her, as does its members.
i read this thread a few times before deciding what to do. Are the members of this site agree with you? damn right they are, and with good reason.
i would never ask them, but you can bet the mod team are angry too.
you ask for forgiveness, you did that before and got it from Suzi, i remember it well.
and then you hurt her again...
Suzi did her best to help you on the site, over the phone, and in person, she even offered you her friendship, yet you through this back in her face
i had a hunch you would turn up at the funeral, and i had 4 people on stand by to remove if you arrived as i was not prepared to allow you to make a scene, not in front of my kids, that would never happen.
when you got there i could see you in pain, and hurting, i came up to you, i hugged you and i didn't turn you away.
i took a risk on you in front of my children and Suzis grieving family, i had nothing to gain.
you had a chance to say goodbye and pay your respects, and to be fair im not sure you deserved it. Suzi gave you a 2nd chance before, i never did. your being at the funeral is your 2nd chance from me.
i will not go against the mod team here, yes i have admin rights, but i never use them, i see myself as a member and will never use my admin or mod rights unless asked by a team member. so if you do step out of line on here, i will not act, its down to the team here that had suzis total trust
so you asked for forgiveness, and regret not being to get it from Suzi, you miss all advice that suzi gave, yet often rejected.
your actions on here have been selfish, if you think about it, you know how much harm you posts could do to others.
you mention Suzi, Me and my kids in this post, you bought us into this, so here goes...
Suzi was a lot of things, but mainly she was no idiot. you stay here and do a few things...
1. remember the advice she gave you
2. look at the support she gave you, non of it would have been to fix a single problem, they would have all been life skills
3. remember the pain you caused, and maybe some people here might forgive you, i dont know enough to comment
4 actually remember everything she ever did for you, but also remember the pain you caused, every time you have a problem, remember the advice she gave, look after yourself like she would have advised you.
5. when you feel like being self destructive, think of whats happened, and if you really must carry on that path, do so without causing harm to others.
do those those things, and become a better person and on the 2nd anniversary of her death, you can have my forgiveness
put your money where you mouth is Sarah.
Marc I appreciate your response, thank you. Yes, you are right, many times I fought Suzi’s word’s of advice because I wasn’t ready to hear them or act upon them. You probably understood better than most how difficult I find it to deal with my emotions and accept change. I can promise you I never ever meant to cause Suzi or you any harm. You’ve all been there for me and that will never be forgotten.
Of course I was going to be there to say goodbye but I am actually confused as to why you thought I would show to cause trouble. That’s actually really hurtful. I’ve not asked anyone for forgiveness. It’s not my place to ask for that but in all honesty I don’t understand why there is so much animosity towards me. I took time out from the internet because it was turning into a trigger for me. Maybe I didn’t go about it in the right way but I tried to explain my reasons. It was never anything personal. What I was met with was a “ gang” of people all working together against me. It’s like being back in the school yard having the cool kids turn their back on me. I can only comment from my side of things because nobody has told me how they are feeling. I genuinely don’t understand it. Am I being selfish? Yes, because I am standing alone.
Your advice is sound and I promise you I am already looking at all those things. Again I’m not asking for forgiveness from you or any one else. That is your choice to forgive or not. The one thing maybe that I don’t understand is the level of hurt that has been caused. I need clarity on that so I can change things going forward.I want to learn from this.
slept well last night once I got off. I’m medicate, had breakfast (not very healthy, it was left over pizza) and come out to clean out the car. There is still stuff in the car from last summer when I went to Manchester. I eventually might get round to valeting it but that’s a step too far today.
As for feelings, numb is probably the best description. The baseline is low as are energy levels despite a solid 8 hrs sleep. I agreed to partner a friend in a mixed darts competition tonight. Seriously regret it now cos really don’t feel up to it but I can’t ditch him at the last minute either.
Strugglingmum
14-05-23, 12:13 PM
You'll maybe feel more like it later. It's good to have something to make you go out when motivation is low.
You’ve done more than me already so well done for your motivation
I found something in the car that has hit me hard. It was something a therapist asked me to do a few years ago. I kept it in the car, supposedly for me to look at and focus on the positives. I’ve not looked at it in a very long time. I had to get a friend to write the answer. Reading it today I wonder how many people would agree now.
Therapist: Please write a list of Sarah’s strengths (or a paragraph). Thank you.
Friend: Sarah is kind and generous. She is thoughtful, reliable and a great friend. Sarah is strong and brave, a good listener and very wise, good at giving advice. Sarah is a great cheerleader and always encourages and supports me. Sarah is very independent, capable, honest and trustworthy.
For something that is supposed to build me up, reading it today feels more like a kick in the teeth.
Today is not a good day. Feeling really on edge and jittery and can’t relax. I’ve got out of the house and sat drinking decaf coffee in Spoons out of the way with my ANC earbuds in but still I’m struggling to settle. My head is literally spinning with so many thoughts. Mindfulness meditation is just not happening either.
I spent most of today in bed. I got up to go to darts. I did get a call from a friend with some exciting news. Last year I had my “year of sport” where I attended a load of big sporting events. I love sport and my other passion is music so this years challenge was to do some music events. It’s not really turned out the way I hoped due to the cost of the gigs I was interested in but a mate who has a blue light card managed to get a couple of tickets for Motley Crew and Def Leppard in Sheffield on Monday! It’s a huge challenge for me being short notice and a sell out show. No accessible provisions either. I have very few details about the gig but it is at Bramall Lane which I have been to a couple of time last year so at least I’m familiar with the venue. Scared, anxious and excited all at once.
Funerals are supposed to be the point where the living say their goodbyes and move on. So why am I still struggling with the Boss Lady’s passing? I know we were estranged when she passed but my feelings were still the same. It’s clear that my feelings didn’t translate as far as you are all concerned so I can only assume that was the same for her and that hurts. The thought of her meeting her maker and not knowing how important she was to me breaks my heart. I admit, it can take me a while sometimes to process information and feeling. Suzi meant the world to me. It’s no exaggeration to say she changed my life. I may have disagreed with her many times but more often or not she way write and I wasn’t afraid to admit it when she was right.
I know things are at least strained between myself and others on this forum, and I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m not asking for your friendship. This whole thing is so awkward and losing Suzi has scared the crap out of me. I don’t want to lose anyone else I care about without them knowing just how important they are to me, and if that isn’t reciprocated then so be it. I just want to have a conversation. I’m not expecting miracles but please, let’s just talk.
Strugglingmum
18-05-23, 03:55 PM
I honestly find funerals are only the beginning of saying goodbye and learning to live with that empty space. Dont give yourself a hard time for struggling with it. Grief is a journey.
This morning I took a mate to Bodymoor Heath, Aston Villa’s training ground. As a season ticket holder I got access to a women’s training session. My mate is a Villa fan, as is her whole family. Anyway, her daughter had a problem before Christmas with being bullied at school. She loved playing football but due to the boys bullying her it put her off playing. She had to change schools and thankfully is now thriving. I gave them tickets to matches when I couldn’t go and watching games again it’s helping her to fall in love with the game again.
Today we stopped off at Villa Park to pick up a shirt and on to the training session.We were given a bunch of freebies for attending, free drinks, and a chance to meet the team for pics and autographs after. We managed to get the whole team and the manager to sign the shirt. That girl is going to go mental when she gets home and sees it.
After a bad nights sleep last night and a tough week overall it felt like a real chore to get out the house but thinking about how I have helped to give this young girl something she will treasure forever makes it all worthwhile.
A
Strugglingmum
19-05-23, 08:09 PM
Sounds like a great day
My mate videod her response and sent it to me. I must have watch it a dozen times. It sure has made me smile and there hasn’t been a lot of that lately.
I’ve been struggling with sleep for a couple of days now. When I do sleep I’m having dreams, not nightmares, but the content still leaves me really upset. For weeks now I’ve been on this crazy emotional roller coaster ride and I’m all over the place. One minute I think am relatively stable, the next I’m a complete mess. My head is literally spinning. It’s been a long time since I’ve been like this. The phych meds normally keep me pretty chill and knock me out but my sleep pattern has been all over the place and I don’t feel like I’m in control. So many outside influences that I have no control over and I can’t get myself straight.
Dragged myself out to the football yesterday. I went alone cos I got let down at the last minute. I quite enjoyed the drive there and back on my own. Just me and my music. Today I’m driving to Sheffield cos my mate got tickets for Motley crew and Def Leppard. I really did want to go to a few concerts this year but I’m not really feeling up to it at the moment. Everything at the moment is a chore and I’d rather go when I can truly enjoy it fully. When I’m feeling low my sensory and social issues are more of a problem for me cos I’m less capable of dealing with them. I just don’t have the strength to mask and process.
Strugglingmum
22-05-23, 06:30 PM
Maybe you'll enjoy it anyway. I love solo car trips!!
Never really been into Motley Crew, I like a few of their songs but they never really appealed to me. I have to say though they still put on a good show. Just waiting for Def Leppard to hit the stage now.
Of course the sensory overload means my anxiety has been bubbling under the surface. My chest hurts as well
as other parts of my body due to the tension I’ve been holding. It’s gonna be a long drive home and cos of being on the road I haven’t taken my afternoon psych meds which isn’t ideal but I’m not safe to drive on them. Trying to balance life isn’t easy right now. I seems I have to make sacrifices in all areas one way or another
Strugglingmum
23-05-23, 10:57 AM
Hope the concert was good.
Unfortunately life is all about trying to balance things....well it is for me but what's the alternative,?
Hiding away and just existing? No not for me. I'll work hard at that balance
The idea of live music has always appealed to me however the experience isn’t a great one for me. Excessive noise, flashing images, huge crowds and being packed in like sardines is not my idea of fun and the reason I have missed out of so many concerts and festivals over the years. I’m ok with the smaller shows but the big events are so tough but I need to be brave and just go for it so I can make some memories.
The social battery is out of juice but I have darts tonight and tomorrow. I’ve spent most of today in bed sleeping on and off and I still feel knackered. Definitely over done it the past few days and I’m suffering now. Got the cleaners in tomorrow but I don’t know if I have the strength to deal with her playing hide and seek with my stuff.
Strugglingmum
24-05-23, 10:11 AM
At least you'll have a clean place to play hide and seek!
It drives me insane. I go to get something and it’s not where I left it and then I get stressed out cos I can’t find it and right now in my current frame of mind I really can’t cope with that.
Given this has been an issue for years, would it not be better to find a new cleaner?
It would but it also means bringing someone new into my house which is also hard for me. I’ve contemplated getting someone else in several times but better the devil you know I guess.
Tonight was a step too far. I went out to darts, played like a plank and lost a game I was more than capable of winning easily. I was getting totally stressed out over little things, there are a few issues within the team and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it, if I tried I would’ve upset someone. My ability to cope with stuff when I’m wiped out is non existent and it was all I could do to try and keep myself together and stick it out til the end of the night cos all I wanted to do was go home but as captain I had to stay til the end and typically it was a really long night, and didn’t get home until almost midnight. Now typically my mind is racing with a million thoughts and none of them useful. Meds should kick in soon so I can sleep.
I have agreed to go check on a mates pets tomorrow while she’s away on holiday. She thinks I’m doing her a favour but the truth is I could really use some non human unconditional love so extra puppy cuddles are just what I need. At least dogs don’t judge you and are always happy to see you. Can’t say the same for most humans I’ve encountered.
Strugglingmum
25-05-23, 10:49 AM
Enjoy puppy cuddles, always the best cure
Oh something really special happened today. My mates has a lot of pets. A load of cats, 5 horses and 3 dogs. Another mate is in charge of the horses. A work colleague is doing morning and evening feeds and I’m stepping in to do the lunchtime shift to let the dogs out. They have a stunning huskyX, an elderly staffieX who is always happy, and the grumpiest old terrier you’ve ever met. This dog hates everyone and bites anyone that goes near him. Of course me being me I see this as a challenge I left him to do his own thing and slowly but surely he came over to find out who this strange person was and had a sniff so I offered my hand and game him a gentle fuss. Before you know it he was climbing on my lap and snuggling up to me. I sat giving him cuddles for about 20 mins. His owner couldn’t believe it. He’s only ever tolerated one other human and that was her late grandmother. She can’t even stroke him herself without him getting nasty but he really took to me. It feels good knowing that this little old fella could trust me the way he did and got to have lots of love. Not sure if he is a good or bad judge of character but I am just happy that he made friends with me and got lots of cuddles.
I’m gonna be honest here and I know Suzi is up there shaking her head at me.
Despite today being not terrible I found myself reaching for the bottle. I’m not proud of myself but a lot of things have been stressing me out and I haven’t had the courage to deal with it. Add in the lower back pain I’m experiencing and I took the easy way out and I hate myself for it. I’m struggling so bad and I want it all to go away but it just won’t
Strugglingmum
26-05-23, 05:13 PM
You know only you can sort it but I'll cheer you on.
Another sleepless night last night. As a result I didn’t feel up to checking on the dogs today and now I feel even worse for letting them down. Doesn’t take much for my head to get all twisted up. Also think one or all of those dogs/cats has fleas cos I’ve done nothing but itch around my ankles for the past couple of days which is driving me crazy. I know Talia has been treated so can’t be her. One of the dogs who is elderly has a skin condition so also wondering is it’s maybe some kind of mite causing it and not I’ve been infested? Maybe I should stop thinking.if only it were that easy.
Another day in bed. Woke up about 9.30am, went back to bed after sorting out a new gardener and slept ALL DAY! I’m either not sleeping at all or sleeping all the time lately. I still feel shattered.
Strugglingmum
29-05-23, 09:28 PM
Make sure to be eating and drinking too.
I got up and fed the dog and myself was up for about an hour and back in bed again. All I wanna do is sleep.
Woke up at 7.10am, went to the toilet and then back into bed. Haven’t moved since. A friend of mine has an autism assessment today. He called up to find out what to expect. I felt bad that I couldn’t put his mind to rest but I couldn’t tell him much because it could affect the outcome. I don’t think there is any question in the minds of those who know him and understand autism that he is absolutely on the spectrum but it’s also complicated by other issues.
I really need to shift my arse into gear cos I need to take a shower and go get some puppy cuddles. I got a message this morning from my mate to say the kittens have died. The other guy doing the feeding found she had taken them out of the nursery box and put them behind it. I guess she wasn’t mama material. It’s still really sad and although there is nothing I can do I still feel responsible.
Darts tonight in Bromsgrove. Not really in the mood but it’s a KO comp so don’t wanna let the team down.
Why is it the things you love can also cause so much pain?
It’s no secret that I love music. I attach memories and people to certain songs or albums and when those people are no longer a part of your life the positive memories linked to the music turn sour and it hurts so bad. Tonight I heard a song and it took me back to a time and place and the tears started flowing because although it was a happy time I know I can never be there again. I wish there was something I could do to change that but it’s out of my control.
Oh and we lost at darts tonight. Started off well but then threw it away.
This week has been tough. Really tough. Without going into boring details, the team KO on Tuesday was a bit of a farce with different numbers of players in competing teams which confused the hell out of everyone. We lost first round which I’m kinda glad about cos playing a second match would’ve fried my brain.
Wednesday was even worse. Because of a rescheduled match by the landlords team we were shoved in the back room which is a bit cosy shall we say and I struggled with a bit of claustrophobia. I’ve played darts for many years now, and I’ve come across a fair bit of sexism but overcame it by becoming a better player and gaining the respect of the other players. I certainly didn’t expect for our team to be the victim of blatant sexism and homophobic comments all night long. They were so condescending and the backhanded compliments we did receive basically came across as “not bad for a woman”. When we were 2-0 down and one of our girls pulled it back to 2-1 the lad playing her threw his darts on the table and stormed outside and was heard saying we were “just a bunch of dykes”. This almost sparked a fight and the night was ruined. I felt bad because I’m captain and because of the close environment and the away team being a bit loud and excitable I wasn’t the leader the team needed on the night and feel like I let them down. Yesterday I posted about the poor behaviour and abuse that we were subjected to on the leagues FB page and now some of my team are saying I shouldn’t have done it without talking to them first, threatening to leave the team cos they don’t agree with me speaking out and I can’t seem to do anything right.
I have enough aggro on a personal level which people questioning my sexually but when that was aimed not just at me but my whole team and being talked down to all night, it’s really knock me sideways. I needed to say something, to speak out against that sort of behaviour and to have half the team chastise me for it hurts even more. Why should I or any other woman be treated that way? This is 2023 ffs.
I’m really struggling. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and the things I’m trying to do to keep doing are pretty much insignificant.
Strugglingmum
09-06-23, 06:23 PM
I'm sorry you are struggling. What support measures can you put in place to help?
My last crisis plan named this forum and 3 special people here. It also state’s distraction techniques that aren’t really helping.
Friday evening after being in my pjs for 2 days straight and not leaving the house I managed to throw on some clothes and with a full tank of fuel in the car I just drove I just needed to get away from everything and everyone. I ended up crossing the Welsh border and sitting by the river in Monmouth eating fish and chips. Long way to go for for a chippy dinner but it got me out of the house and out of my head for a little while.
Yesterday I went back out that way with a friend to Symonds Yat. We visited the viewpoint at the top of the rock where I am reliably informed that in a clear day you can see 7 counties. Such a beautiful place. We took a river cruise, had a picnic, looked around a campsite which was filled with classic cars. We both needed a distraction with it being a painful anniversary for her and my head being a mess.
I’ve chosen to stop away from darts for a few weeks. If the thing that I’m supposed to enjoy is only dragging me down further what is the point? There is too much drama going on and although I have tried to keep going because I am Captain of the team on a Wednesday night and have a responsibility to my team but everything is falling apart and I don’t feel able to do anything about it. Feels like I’m making things worse rather than better.
I know I made a mess of things before my stepping away from a community, this community, and people were upset with me for it, but I genuinely believe that had I stayed it would’ve been worse. I have good people around me but it’s not DWD. Maybe I am torturing myself by sticking around here when it’s clear nobody wants me around but I need this outlet.
Well done for stepping away and prioritising your health
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices and put yourself first. Last time it didn’t work out so great in the long run. I’m still suffering.
Got a pic from yesterdays stunning view.
https://ibb.co/kKwV748
Didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. I was still lay in bed at 9am thinking I might actually drop off then remembered I had a GP appointment at 9.20. Still not had any sleep but I’ve been taking it easy. Other than having a shower and putting a load of washing on, I’ve spent the rest of the day watching The Order on Netflix and surfing the web looking for deals on single seater inflatable kayaks. Cheapest one I’ve found so far is £65. I’m now hovering over the checkout button wondering if I should get it or not. One of the things I tend to do is spend recklessly when my heads not on straight so might be an idea to wait a bit.
Getting pretty fed up with going from no sleep to sleeping constantly. Today I’ve not yet got out of bed and could quite happily go back to sleep. Yesterday I had to go fetch my new glasses. The sunglasses are fine but my regular glasses I’m not doing to good with. They are supposedly the same prescription but I got fed some BS about different shape frame mean slight differences in the lens and just need to give it a week to settle. The girl who adjusted the arms even twisted the hinge on one arm and tried to tell me it was fine. Why the hell did I bother going back to Specsavers?
I really wanna go see The Flash but I’m not really up to going out right now, I feel drained physically and emotionally leaving me in that difficult place not knowing if I should push myself to do something on allow myself to rest. I’ve taken a step back from darts and it’s a bit weird not going out Tuesday and Wednesday nights but I know I need time to myself, to assess what it is that I want. I was hoping to talk it through with you guys here but maybe that’s asking too much.
Strugglingmum
15-06-23, 02:58 PM
Maybe just try to do 1 small thing each day to start with.
magie06
15-06-23, 04:47 PM
The flash got 3 1/2 out of 5 in the review I read today.
Strugglingmum
16-06-23, 10:23 AM
You know you can write anything on here but noone else can make those decisions for you, they have to come from you, but sometimes writing it out helps to give you clarity
I’m hurting bad. A lot of the people who are important to me are no longer a part of my life and it’s tearing me apart. I’ve not heard from my kids in so long and after 2 yrs of writing letters without response I’ve chosen to stop torturing myself. My eldest hasn’t bothered to stay in touch and according to SS, “has shown no interest in contact”.
Then there is this forum. I get that I screwed things up in the past but I don’t understand why I deserve to be ignored in this “non judgemental safe space”. I don’t understand why after knowing me for so many years I am now seen as some kind of twisted asshole? I want to talk it through, I want to understand.
Strugglingmum
18-06-23, 09:41 AM
I'm sorry about your boys. You gave it all you could.
I'm not sure why you feel ignored, I try to reply to all your posts. Sorry if I've missed some.
Yes you do and I do appreciate it. However, everyone else tends to steer clear. All the things that are hurting the most right now are all things I have no control over. I’ve done all I can to try and make things right but it’s all for nothing.
Then there is this forum. I get that I screwed things up in the past but I don’t understand why I deserve to be ignored in this “non judgemental safe space”. I don’t understand why after knowing me for so many years I am now seen as some kind of twisted asshole? I want to talk it through, I want to understand.
First, I am not going to discuss with you subjects that have been discussed with you over and over again in the past. I know you’ve said before that you keep everything that has been said so, if you want to understand, just look at what you’ve kept.
Second, Suzi deleted your original account because of a number of issues that affected herself and, more importantly to her, many other members. Despite this signalling her explicit wishes that she did not want you on the forum, continuing to adversely affect those members, less than 2 days after she left us, you defied those wishes and returned.
Finally, you infer that we are not offering a safe space. Yet, after Suzi’s funeral, and despite me telling you a number of times that I did not want any contact with you because I knew how hard I was going to find the day without any additional stress, you felt it was appropriate to follow me to my car, bang on my closed window and try to give me something. You invaded my safe space and significantly increased my distress levels.
Yes, I’ve not really responded to your posts as much as I would normally do, but that’s because I find you extremely triggering and have been, and will continue to, protecting my own mental health during a time that has been extremely stressful for me.
magie06
18-06-23, 01:47 PM
I am protecting my own mental health ATM. My dad is being an asshole, and it takes a lot out of me.
But I don’t understand why!!!! Explain to me what it is that I have done to make you feel that way. Do any of you stop to think how your actions have affected me? How am I a trigger for you?
From my side of things, the way I see it, I was struggling on the forum, I needed to take a break, and that meant a complete break from everyone connected to DWD, at least until I could get my head straight. I do that and come back to be berated for how I went about it and then I am banned! Not for breaking any forum rules but for saying I felt attacked and was probably wrong for coming back.
You’ve known me for the best part of 10 yrs and over all that time have I not been honest with you? Have I not shown you that I care? I wanna twist everything make me sound like some kind of monster after so many years of telling me the opposite, which one is the lie? It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just you but it was a gang of you. You banded together to shut me out because… well I don’t really know why. Explain it to me like I’m a 3 yr old. From this side I see a bunch of people that I adored all decided to act like school yard bullies.
Are you trying to tell me that DWD is only for people that you like? Anyone you don’t like doesn’t get support regardless of what mental trauma they may be going through? Is that how it works? Your personal feeling trump everything else? Yes I came back after hearing the news about Suzi because the only people I knew who knew her were here. I’m not going to apologise for seeking comfort during a difficult time. I get that you’re still hurting because so am I. Every damned day it hurts and It’s not just the pain of losing her, but having lost all of you. While you are still here we have the option to talk things through, to understand each other and the mistakes we’ve made. I don’t know why you hate me so much but one day I’ll be gone, permanently. Then it will be too late.
I said I’m not going to talk about the past. However, I will answer one question. You were banned, not for taking a break but for everything leading up to that - it was just the last straw. And you know what I’m talking about as you have all the conversations and, as you’re an intelligent woman, there is more than enough material there for you to understand. Suzi made the decision to ban you to protect the forum and every individual within it. And I will also make the same decision if I feel you are now again adversely affecting the forum and everyone in it.
How do you trigger me? Every time I see you’ve posted, in any thread, it raises my anxiety tenfold as I have no idea what you’re going to say, how you’re going to react and whether you’re going to blow up. So, I’ve restricted my comments as historically you’ve taken offence at things I’ve said more so than anyone else.
I don’t hate you. But I do find it very difficult to be around you. Is that honest enough?
Well I’m not going to lie, the fact that you expect the worst of me kinda hurts. I admit when I’m struggling I can lash out it’s true but I have never intentionally hurt anyone. I’m sorry that I make you feel that way and despite what you think I’m not here to cause a scene or kick off. I don’t think you realise just how much you mean to me. I never believed I was worthy of your friendship, you know that cos I told you often enough, but I would like to think that I became a better person for having you in my life. I miss you.
I don’t really know where to start. I’m really not in a good headspace and I don’t know which way to turn. Certain revelations recently have left me hurting. So many random triggers in life have left me feeling quite emotional. For the past couple of weeks I’ve not been able to sleep much before 3am and I’m so tired. I’ve been pushing myself to keep going with various social activities and medical appointments when and I really wanna do is just curl up in bed and hide under the duvet but at the same time I’m fed up with lying on a tear drenched pillow.
I had a falling out with a friend last weekend. Well, she’s blanking me. Story of my life. She had an incident in a play area where some horrible human being thought it was fine to rant and rave at my friends 5yr old severely autistic son and calling him a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). Long story short, after a bit of investigative work it turns out this monster in a part of my extended family. Not someone I have any contact with but I found the details for my friend to contact her. Next think I know in a group chat she is trying to track this woman down, where she works and trying to get her sacked from her job. When I told the group this was going further than I was comfortable with and wanted no further part in the witch hunt this was interpreted as me being the bitch cos I didn’t have my mates back. Apparently setting boundaries makes me an asshole. We were supposed to be going to the football together tomorrow but she her husband and daughter and now no longer going. Next week I was driving for a Pink tribute night we were all attending so don’t know what’s happening there now either and with her giving me the silent treatment I don’t know what’s happening now. Two things I was looking forward too which have now been tainted by yet another breakdown of friendship that I am being blamed for. Another situation where I don’t understand why I’m in the wrong. And people wonder why I’m such a mess? I think you all realise that sometimes I don’t actually understand what I do wrong or even why others react the way they do. In therapy I’m constantly being told that I can’t control what others do and I can only control my actions and feelings, that speaking out about how I feel and setting boundaries is important for my own wellbeing so why when I try to implement that do I end up getting hurt? Why does everyone else feeling trump mine? It’s reaching a point where all I want to do is retreat away from society and shut myself away but I’m also told that that is wrong. My head is just a mess and I know I’m spiralling but I’m trying to fight against it but it’s so hard. I’m trying to do the right things but it’s having a negative impact.
Strugglingmum
01-07-23, 10:52 AM
I'm sorry you are going through this. Lots of self care needed and make some plans with other people. How about going back to darts?
Ok so the last couple of weeks have been…eventful.some good and some not so good. I went to watch the Lionesses face Portugal in a warmup game in Milton Keynes prior to the World Cup. It was a bit of a nothing game which was a bigger ball ache regarding reselling tickets but still.
Feeling pretty down due to my car being knackered and limiting my travel options. Went to the final day of Godiva Festival fulfilling another of my music achievements and saw Trevor Nelson DJ’ing, Odyssey (proper old skool), and Mel C.
After a Pink tribute act which was arranged with friends my big social stuff was complete. I’ve decided to step away from darts for a variety of reasons, basically it was becoming too much for me to cope with so easier to stay away from the drama that came with the game. I don’t think I’m missed much, other than my ability, which although is nothing compared to what it once was is still more than most of my teammates (not wanting to sound big headed) but is not enough to make me change my mind.
I’m seriously struggling right now and I don’t have the strength to carry on. I really need to take a step back and just take each day as it comes. I don’t have the energy that comes with being sociable and I think I’ve already pissed people off but I need time to get my head straight again.
I had a weird dream the other night involving members of this forum and Suzi was still with us. Needless to say she had harsh words for me and I was desperate to do the right thing by her. I fell short in comparison to other members here regarding Suzi’s wishes in the dream but I kept trying and nothing I did felt good enough. It still hurts so much that she is no longer with us, and that she left not knowing just how much I loved her and how appreciative I was for all she did for me. It’s no exaggeration to say that she changed my life and despite my difficulties excepting those changes I am so grateful for Suzi’s input in my life. A part of me wishes that wherever she is now she understands just how important she was to me and despite my inability to really show it, I wish I could give her the hug she deserved. I don’t think any of you truly understand the pain I feel to have lost the Boss Lady. I can’t even put it into words without causing distress to others here but I’m still struggling with this loss and I don’t know why I will get over it. I need you guys so much, I love you.
Strugglingmum
15-07-23, 10:55 AM
Sounds like its definitely time to concentrate on the basics, eat drink, sleep, fresh air. It may take a little determination to achieve them but it's the only way to make it through a crisis.
After sleeping most of yesterday I thought I should get a head start on some housework. I’ve managed to fold some laundry, take some rubbish out and sweep the hallway. I’ve now hit a wall with clothes everywhere and a ton of other stuff that needs to be sorted but no energy to do anything about it. It’s taken about 90 minds just to do the few tasks I have done. There are clothes all over the house and it feels like I have make more mess than tidying up.
Strugglingmum
16-07-23, 11:39 AM
Take the win of the things you have done
Hey, genuine question. Do you get bored of taking my on a chore? I appreciate your input of course but I feels like you’re the one who drew the short straw.
Of course, you are right. I should focus on the positives but it’s so hard when I’m so far behind. That said I’m struggling a bit physically. I took the dog was a drag around the block with a stop at the shop earlier and my lower back was not happy. I had to stop 3 times and barely covered 300-400m? Probably for the best that I don’t do anything more strenuous. In my head I feel like a failure. The first day in a long time I woke up thinking I could actually accomplish something and it makes me feel crap when I can’t do what I want.
SM is the only mod who doesn’t have a difficult history with you, hence why she finds it easier to respond than the rest of us do. I will not ask any of my team to comment on any thread they do not feel comfortable with - and I won’t ask that of myself either, as I have my own health to look after. That’s regardless of any comments on the subject you may make.
Strugglingmum
16-07-23, 08:25 PM
I try to comment on every thread that I can and no, it's not a chore. I try to be helpful so there was no short straw. X
magie06
16-07-23, 09:30 PM
I can't even comment on my own thread ATM. All of my energy is being used on the normal things.
Last night I did something really stupid and now I’m writing this post from a hospital bed. Everything has been getting me down so bad and it all became too much for me and I spiralled out of control. You guys here are aware of what I’m like and when I woke up I remember the last time an ambulance turned up at my house. Suzi was the one who made that call. I’ve reached my breaking point. I can’t cope anymore. I’ve lost everyone I cared for, family and friends and I feel so alone. I’m totally broken.
I hope the hospital are giving you the help you need
Not yet at least. Waiting on results of liver function tests. No sign of any Mental Heath professionals which has left others a bit concerned.
Strugglingmum
18-07-23, 10:40 AM
I know here that you wont see a MH professional until you are medically cleared. Like Paula, I hope you get all the help you need to move forward.
Sounds like you are spot on SM. Doctor cleared me physically this morning. Now I’m just waiting to speak to a mental health professional and then if they are happy I can go home. My sister is a bit over protective at the moment and is scared that I’m going home alone.
Update (MH liaisons showed up while typing this post).
Unfortunately, knowing myself well enough and being able to make wise decisions regarding my medication means I’m not going to get any further help from the mental health team. What a surprise! Not! They have given me a few good bits of advice going forward and a list of other resources, the usual Samaritans, SHOUT etc. They are chasing up the social prescriber referral and sending a copy of their report to the GP but other than that I’m being let loose on society again. 2 days in hospital is more than enough for me.
Strugglingmum
18-07-23, 11:24 PM
Sounds like your sister wants to be supportive. Dont forget to use the resources the hospital provided. Stay safe
My sister definitely has good intentions but I’m not the kinda person who you can wrap in cotton wool. I’ve had a complicated relationship with my sister over the years. I love her to bits but she can be a pita. I’d only been home a couple of hours and she face timed to to check on me. She called from work first thing this morning too. I’m pretty sure it’s for her own reassurance and will time she’ll probably get bored and leave me be. I know I sound ungrateful but I just want to be left alone to lick my wounds and process everything. Obviously people don’t want to leave me alone and I understand why from their point of view. I was asked straight up yesterday, if I went home would I do anything stupid? Not going to lie, I’d have said anything to get out of that hospital. I have no immediate intentions purely because I feel guilty for what I put the people around me though. You don’t think of the effect it has on others in those dark moments. It’s left me kinda confused right now and don’t quite know how to explain where my heads at.
Strugglingmum
19-07-23, 02:45 PM
Quite often we dont want the very thing that's best for us. I'm glad your sister is checking in you, especially if you are still vulnerable.
You knew what you were doing when you answered the questions in hospital, that was the choice you made and maybe that's why you didnt get more MH support. I understand the desire to just get out but all our choices have consequences. Please dont forget to use the resources you were given if you need them. Stay safe
The thing is I was honest. I’m not convinced that feeling guilt about scaring people is a particularly healthy thing to keep me going but apparently according to the liaison that’s good enough. How I feel and all the pain inside is irrelevant so long as I put other peoples feelings first and that keeps me alive. Does that mean all those times I’m been told that what I feel matters and that I shouldn’t feel bad for setting boundaries and standing up for myself was a lie? They literally told be that me confident and self esteem wasn’t the focus right now and what ever works to get me past this, even if it’s unhealthy, it’s not as unhealthy as the alternative. I seriously don’t know what to believe and my head is spinning. Thinks are so hard and have been for a while and I’m being asked to keep treating water but no one will throw me a life belt.
I’ve been selective with my words and abbreviated a lot. Obviously there’s a lot of private stuff that doesn’t belong on a public forum. Plus I’ve trying to avoid triggers. Putting other people first. If I don’t I’m a bad person. If I focus on myself I’m selfish but I can’t trust anyone else to really have my back. I’m really confused about what I should or shouldn’t do and where my priorities should lie.
If you flag up appropriate trigger warnings, you can talk. But you know that so I don’t understand why you are saying you’re not talking about the private stuff to put others first.
As for whether what you’ve been told is a lie, no it’s not. But, in crisis, it’s important for medical professionals to ensure that there’s a reason that someone will keep themselves safe. It doesn’t matter what that reason is, in those situations it’s important. It’s not necessarily healthy in the long term, but if it saves lives in the short term that’s what matters.
Yeah I know about the trigger warnings but at the same time I hate seeing it attached to my threads. I always have tried to avoid the need for them. I probably sounds weird but seeing that warning makes me feel more vulnerable. I don’t know if that makes sense but trigger warnings are a trigger but only to my personal posts.
I had a GP appointment today. Follow up from my hospital stay. Ended up breaking down and going well over my time slot, and although I understand there are other patients waiting it’s never nice when you open up to be told times up, thank you and goodbye. I was told to call healthy minds. Couldn’t get through but the automated system informed me to speak with my GP. Mental Health Services pinball is not I game I feel up to playing right now. I’m so lost with so many things running through my head, trying to pick the right course of action is like a lucky dip. My chest is tight, I’m struggling to process all the things I’m being told, my coordination isn’t great either and apparently this is all perfectly normal for now. I know you’ll say I should rest up, but rest means time alone with my thoughts too. If I stay busy I get frustrated because I’m not functioning right. I just wanna get off this merry go round.
Strugglingmum
20-07-23, 08:10 PM
You know when things are acute its bout what you can do to get through each hour safely, you know what works for you. As Paula said it's about what keeps you safe for now until the acute phase fades
Strugglingmum
21-07-23, 02:03 PM
How are you today?
I’m ok. Tired all the time. My sister wants me to go to Wolverhampton with her tomorrow. Her son is moving in to his girlfriends. Normally I have to drive cos she has no sense of direction but I really don’t feel up to it right now so she’s going to drive but wants me to go with her as back up. I don’t want to go but if I don’t, she won’t go. She’s already laid the guilt trip on me. At least she’s back to her normal self again.
I’ve bought my bro-in-laws e-bike off him. It’s a pile of junk that needs a lot of work doing but it’s still cheaper that getting a new one. It’s an excuse to get out and exercise as well as having transport to get around locally. Need to sort the brakes and tyres and give it a general service and clean up. Gonna cost a few quid to get it right but it’s a project to keep me busy.
Strugglingmum
21-07-23, 07:20 PM
Your sis understandably wants to spend time with you. Sometimes good intentions dont always come across like that. The bike sounds like a great project
The problem is we get to Wolverhampton and there is nothing for me to do. I just wanna stay home, watch football, sleep.
Strugglingmum
22-07-23, 12:05 PM
Have a safe day whatever you choose to do
Just got home. She picked me up at 1pm and she drove there. I really didn’t feel up to socialising with a woman I hardly know and her 4yr old daughter, just a bit too much for me so I took the car and found a local cafe to hang out for 2hrs. I took my new book with me but it was still a struggle. I went back to pick her up and she decided she didn’t want to drive home to I got lumbered with the job. I should’ve seen that coming a mile off. Tonight it’s meds and an early night for me. I’m shattered.
Strugglingmum
22-07-23, 08:17 PM
But you made it through another day, that's a lot to be proud of
Yep. I guess you’re right considering 7 days ago I was done with this world and didn’t want to be here anymore.
My chest still feels crap, my head is still spinning with a million thoughts, my body feels too heavy to move. I’m making an effort, making plans, making crafts. I’m not ever sure why? Right now it’s like I’m living a lie. Keep smiling, keep talking, keep distracting, keep going. Nothing has changed. I still have the same shit going on and I have no control over any of it. My kids don’t need me, the people I call friends don’t want me. I wake up every day, go to sleep every night and in between I’m just filling in time. It doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t do anything right.
Strugglingmum
23-07-23, 09:01 PM
Yet you manage to keep going, that's huge. At the moment its awful but someday you will get the energy to rebuild little bit by little bit. Its keeping going and staying safe for now and riding out the storm til that day feels closer
I’ve got to take my new bike to be repaired today. Thought it better to let someone with the right tools and facilities do the job rather than me struggle. The guy tried to rip me off on a replacement brake system charging £160! I went to Halfords, who aren’t exactly known to be well priced, and got a like for like system for £50. Why do people think that women are so dumb when it comes to mechanical stuff and accept what they are told? Anyway, it should be up and running and road safe by this afternoon. Then I’ll see just how effective the battery power assist is on the way home as I live in an elevated part of the city so have a huge hill that even when I was young and fit was a serious challenge to climb on a bike. It might be a bit of a cop out letting someone else fix the bike but at least I will have peace of mind that it is done right and have more time to focus on riding.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday which was good and I got to meet my sisters new puppy. His name is Milo and he is a terrier/chihuahua cross. Not really my kind of dog but he’s a real cutie. In a couple of weeks when he’s fully vaccinated he’ll be introduced to Talia.
While waiting on the bike service I’ve decided to sit and finish of another of my diamond paintings. I have a plan to use the excess gems you always have left over in another project so that will encourage me to get on and finish this one so I can move on to the next.
It’s not a cop out. Your safety is the most important thing and, though I know you have a lot of practical skills, getting an expert to fix it was the sensible option
Strugglingmum
27-07-23, 11:45 AM
You have a lot of positives going on there. Well done.
You’re right Paula but you know me, I like to get my hands dirty and love the feeling of accomplishment of a job well done. It turns out letting someone else do it was the right thing. Dropped the bike off at 8.30 this morning and popped to Spoons for breakfast and coffee. I expected it to take a couple of hours, maybe 3, so when I still hadn’t heard anything my lunchtime I was a bit concerned. There’s only so much decaf coffee and lime and soda girl can drink. I finally got a call just after 3pm. The job had taken all day and still wasn’t finished! He’d got as far as fitting tubes and tyres, brake disks levers and calipers. He needs to cut the brake hoses to length and I presume fill will hydraulic fluid, and check the gears are set up. Need to go pick it up after the Lionesses match tomorrow.
I had forgotten that I had agreed to have lunch with friends tomorrow. It was arranged weeks ago but I got a reminder today. After what felt like a really long day today and with football on and picking up the bike I’d much rather go straight home and hibernate. I’ve been trying to take things easy since coming out of hospital but this week I can feel things building up again. My sister wants me to go to Wolverhampton with her again on Saturday but I really don’t want to go. I feel bad about it cos she has been so good lately helping me out with lifts and checking in on me. Ok I admit I’ve not enjoyed her daily phone and video calls but I understand why she’s been doing it. In the past I’ve been annoyed by she lack of support and it’s kinda gone the other way now but maybe things will settle down and we can find the right balance. Anyway I’m finding it tough to get my own personal commitment/self care balance right. It takes a lot out of me to do the “normal” stuff but I’ve spent so much time sleeping over the past 10 days I feel kinda useless. Why is it so hard to look after yourself? Seriously, sometimes adulting can be so difficult.
Strugglingmum
28-07-23, 03:52 PM
Glad you are getting the bike well sorted. Let your sister click around for a while, you may not want it but you need it atm.
I’ve tested the bike out and I definitely appreciate the battery assist on the hills. My lungs are very grateful. I popped round to get some itty bitty puppy cuddles. My sister picked up her new dog on Monday so I had to come meet the little dude. Of course it would be rude of me not the share puppy photos so…
https://ibb.co/pJ6K9pf
https://ibb.co/DG6FJ06
https://ibb.co/58TSfrd
https://ibb.co/Lh1nVyM
His name is Milo and he’s quite the character.
Strugglingmum
29-07-23, 01:16 PM
Very sweet
I went out for a ride on the bike tonight. Exercise is supposed to be good for you right? Supposed to lift your mood? It was good to get out and get some fresh air in my lungs however, I still feel crap but now I’m sweaty and knackered as well. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t get the same lift others get from exercise? Any benefit I do get is so short lived it doesn’t seem worth the effort.
Strugglingmum
29-07-23, 11:45 PM
Maybe did too much too soon?
Maybe but even before when I was playing football by the time I drove home which was only about 15 minutes I felt crap again. Surely the serotonin boost from exercise shouldn’t drop off so quickly? I don’t know.
Anyway today all I wanted to do was sleep so I’ve stayed in bed all day and done exactly that. I still feel tired now. I’ve had a lot of days like this recently where just keeping my eyes open is a challenge. It is frustrating cos it feels like a wasted day but at the same time I’ve listened to my body and done what was needed. I’ve got a stinking headache (probably due to dehydration, hard to drink enough when you’re asleep) and I barely have the energy to lift my head off the pillow. I know I have a tendency to try and run before I can walk but I am trying to lift myself out of this crisis. It’s a little different for me because I live on my own. I don’t have anyone to fill in if I can’t do something so I can’t afford to be ill long term. Lucky Talia is a pretty low maintenance dog. So long as she is fed and can get out to the garden to do her business she’s happy enough to snuggle up all day but I still feel like she’s not getting enough out of life right now.
I was supposed to be having a family day with my sister, bro in law, nephew and his partner and her daughter but no way I could face it. That means my sis has to drive them back to Wolverhampton on her own which she’s not confident about. She has her phone with her so has a sat nav, plus I’ve sent her a step by step guide too so I’ve tried to do what I can to help but I have a feeling something will go wrong and she will panic and make it worse and I’ll get a call saying she’s lost or had an accident or can’t find her way home or something and there will be nothing I can do about it from here. It’s not my responsibility I know but doesn’t stop me from thinking it’s gonna be my fault for not going with her. Every time I put my self, my health and well being first, there always seem to be consequences.
Have you had any contact with your doctor since you were discharged?
I had to touch base with them a couple of days after and was told to contact Healthy Minds. Healthy Minds phone line said I needed to contact my GP.
Did I what? I called Healthy Minds shortly after leaving the GP surgery so I didn’t go straight back to the GP, who would only tell me to call healthy minds again. It’s all one big roundabout
Yes, did you call your GP? Explain what Healthy Minds have said so you’re not left in limbo
I’d literally just left the GP. I think I’ve figured out why they suggested going back and it’s related to med changes but I was already told that isn’t going to happen.
Strugglingmum
01-08-23, 10:41 AM
Its important to then put the ball back in GPs court if that's what you've been advised to do
When I did my ACT course I was told then CBT based therapy wasn’t for me and is more triggering than helpful. They don’t offer long term talking therapy which it has been suggested that I need, and CBT is pretty much what Healthy Minds is all about. They state in more “urgent” cases to speak with the GP, I presume to tweak any meds, and I know they won’t do that as both the GP and Mental Health Liaison don’t think that is necessary. I definitely can’t get anywhere near secondary services around here. They are better guarded than Buckingham Palace. On my discharge assessment they actually told me to lean on family and friends. Easy to say but they aren’t necessarily the right people to talk to or it feels wrong to burden others who have their own problems. So that leaves me moaning about how crap life is and feeling sorry myself here.
Strugglingmum
01-08-23, 09:16 PM
I think your sis would rather you lean on her than getting a call you're in hospital.
Yeah I guess so but it’s hard to talk about what’s in your head with people who don’t understand. I think that’s why places like this are so important. I know I’ve admitted to censoring myself a bit here but at least if I want to let it out I can. I really miss Suzi. No offence to the rest of you guys but she had a special quality that nobody could ever replicate. I keep trying to ask that all important question, what would Suzi say? Instead I feel like I’m doing more of what Suzi would do, and we all know how she rarely took her own advice when it came to her own wellbeing. I wish she was here.
Strugglingmum
02-08-23, 01:04 PM
You're right Suzi was unique.... just like every other single person on here. We all miss her and we are trying our best!
How do you know if you are being paranoid or if something is really going on?
Strugglingmum
02-08-23, 11:05 PM
Not sure you can ever be 100% sure. I trust my gut but probably dont get it right all the time.
That’s the problem. I tend to go with my instinct and often get it wrong. I struggle with warped thoughts and trying to figure out what is rational and what isn’t.
I had a friend offer her opinion on my situation and she didn’t pull any punches. She wasn’t completely correct in her assessment and I didn’t exactly react well to it and offended her. I have since apologised and she said we’re ok but needed a bit of time to get over it. This happened about a month ago and I’ve not seen her since. We used to talk on the phone most days but that doesn’t happen any more. Despite her saying things are ok they don’t feel ok and I’ve convinced myself that she doesn’t wanna know me anymore. I don’t know if it’s me overthinking or misinterpreting things or if I have ruined another friendship. Last night I removed myself from a group chat cos I didn’t want her to think she had to respond to me when I commented and I can’t help but think that she is better off if I back away altogether. I know I have a history of messing up in the past and withdrawing from people but in my head it seems the right thing to do, that’s it’s better for them. I don’t wanna make the same mistakes again but what if I’m right? I’m so confused and I don’t know if I can trust my gut.
Strugglingmum
03-08-23, 05:12 PM
If she has said things are ok then take what she said as true. They may not be what they were but ok. She is obviously ok with being truthful with you so why would she lie now?
Isolating yourself is never a good move.
I called her. We got cut off due to poor reception. After a while she called me back. It sounds silly maybe but that was a huge deal for me. If she didn’t want to speak to me she wouldn’t have rung. It’s a relief but I’m finding it hard at the moment to make conversation, knowing what to say is hard. I’m sure in time it’ll get back to normal but it’s really awkward right now.
I had dinner with my sister yesterday. First time since Christmas Day. It was nice to have a home cooked meal. It’s been a while since I last had the energy to cook a roast. I didn’t stay long, I left before desert. Wasn’t in the mood for being sociable.
I have invested in a wrist brace. I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I had it when I was pregnant but it wasn’t anything like this. That time I was getting pins and needles and numbness in the index and middle finger and thumb. Now I get pain up the underside of my fore arm, especially at night. Apparently that is another symptom and wearing a brace at night can help so thought I’d give it a go. If it doesn’t help I’ll go to the doctor. It’s not too severe so I’ll see how it goes.
Strugglingmum
08-08-23, 10:32 AM
That all sounds very positive.
Had an awful day today. I started out thinking the weather was nice so would take the 3 mile cycle ride to the Toby carvery for a breakfast treat.long story story on the way there I took a tumble on my bike landing head first in a bunch of stinging nettles. Spent a couple of hours in A&E getting checked out and thankfully no serious injuries. Cuts and scrapes and stings plus soft tissue damage in my left shoulder but otherwise in tact.
Despite walking away from the darts team a while back I came out tonight as it was one of the girl’s birthday. Unfortunately one of the players was quite rude to me and another stated that the incident that make me walk away, we actually should have followed my lead and gone through official channels to get it sorted. The exact opposite that they wanted at the time.
After a shit day I really didn’t need the attitude I got. It’s already hard enough for me to come out due to the drama, and I was made to feel even worse despite being there for the birthday girl. Nothing I do seems to be right.
Sorry for your fall, please rest today
The nettle rash is quite nasty and kept me awake most of the night. My shoulder is very swollen and can barely move my arm. I seem to have pulled a muscle in my back that hurts if I breath deeply or cough/sneeze. Get some exercise they say. It’ll be good for you they say. That accident wouldn’t have happened if I’d been driving lol. Today I will mostly be perched in the armchair watch crappy tv feeling sorry for myself.
Strugglingmum
10-08-23, 10:18 AM
Sounds like a nasty tumble, thankful that you walked away from it. Well done on making the effort to go out.
I felt bad yesterday but today everything hurts. The nettle rash is driving me crazy. I had a really nasty reaction so been taking anti histamines and my skin was still tingling 16 hrs after. My bed sheets felt like sandpaper last night and I couldn’t get comfortable with the pain in my shoulder so I’ve decided to sleep down stairs tonight in the recliner chair as it’s easier to get up and down. The swelling in my shoulder isn’t good and movement is limited and quite painful. I’m sure in a couple of days I’ll be fine but right now I’m just feeling really sorry for myself. Feel free to send chocolate.
Strugglingmum
10-08-23, 10:11 PM
Yip we aren't getting any younger and dont bounce up anymore!! It takes time.
That’s exactly what I said to a mate the other day. As a teenager a fall like that Id have laughed, brushed it off and thought nothing of it. Day 3 and the bruising is starting to come out now. I hadn’t realised until today just how swollen my whole left arm is from my shoulder to my hand. The rash is starting to recede which is great news. I’ll just keep taking the pain meds and sit at home watching football.
Strugglingmum
11-08-23, 11:25 AM
Enjoy the footie!
I got a call tonight from police custody. After a decade with my kids dad I am way too familiar with calls like this but this one has left me conflicted. They were asking if I would be willing to allow a friend to stay with me for a while. They didn’t give details but I already knew for me to get that call meant that he had been charged with a crime and whatever he’d done his wife, mother and sister wouldn’t have him and without a confirmed address he couldn’t be bailed. Being the mug that I am I said he could stay here temporarily. He’s a mate and it was obvious that he was desperate so I couldn’t leave him in the cells.
You know how on the news people say “he was a nice guy”, “quite chap, kept himself to himself”, “never believed he was capable of doing that” etc when they live next door to a murderer or whatever. That’s how I feel right now. I’m in shock. If someone told me this dude got himself in serious trouble with the police I’d laugh in their face and tell them there was no chance. I don’t really know what to do. Instinct says he’s a friend and we help our friends when they are in need which is why I didn’t hesitate to let him stay but the more I think about it, I can’t have him here long term and I’m actually a little ashamed of him. He’s had the lecture about how his actions don’t just affect him but also the people around him and care about him and he’s lucky I didn’t turn my back on him too.
I have so many conflicting emotions I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I don’t know what to do.
Strugglingmum
18-08-23, 09:34 AM
Oh wow. Do you think that was a wise decision considering your recent mental health? Are you considered responsible for him or is it just an address? You said you would take him temporarily but realistically where is he going to move on to? Is he going to bring trouble to your door?
Sorry but these are my initial reactions so maybe not helpful but maybe you need to consider them. You are trying to help a friend, I get that, I'm just concerned for you and worry you haven't thought this through
No I didn’t really have time to think it through, I just could t leave a mate in trouble. He’s a good person who made a really stupid decision that has pretty much ruined his life. I can’t condone his actions and he deserves whatever punishment is dealt out to him but in the meantime he needs someone to have his back. He’s not a bad person and he isn’t a threat to me. This morning I have spoken to a lady from liaison and diversion services who said she can help with housing and waiting on a call back. Im not responsible for him it is just an address which was needed for his release on bail. It’s not an ideal situation I know and if there was any other option open to him I wouldn’t have taken him in but I also know that had I said no I would’ve felt bad about it. I will be letting this liaison know my personal situation regarding my mental health and why this was only ever an emergency placement. My friend is under the impression his wife just needs a week to herself and he can go back but having spoken to her she’s talking about this being the end of their marriage. She is obviously in shock and probably not in the right frame of mind to make life altering decisions but I can’t see her getting over this anytime soon and he’s delusional if he thinks he’s going home in a week. His mother is very ill at the moment and didn’t need to hear that her son had been arrested.
I know that very few people would do what I have done, I totally get it, but I’ve been in situations where I have been in dire straits with nowhere to turn and I know how it feels to be shunned by the people around me. My situation was different to his and you could argue that I wasn’t responsible but my poor choices led to my position just like his did. I couldn’t leave him stranded. The other option was for him to be remanded for 3 months. If there is even half a chance of keeping him out of prison it’s worth it. I know I’m not in a great place and could really do without all of this but it is what it is.
Strugglingmum
18-08-23, 03:57 PM
You will really need to prioritize self care to try and keep yourself as well as possible through this. X
I just hope emergency housing comes through really quickly
It’s no secret here that I like a few beers now and again and I have a bad habit of hitting the booze in bad times. Since I landed myself in hospital after a booze and pills self destruct mission a little over a month again, I’ve been scared to take pain meds in case I hit the self destruct button again. I only had one night on the beer since that night and that was a mates birthday 10 days ago. Tonight I hit it pretty hard after a really bad day and I’m not sure you guys will really understand, not that it matters. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have taken my friend in cos I’m not stable enough to cope. But what else could I do? It’s already cost me two friendships, people I felt close to leaving me feeling isolated and struggling to figure out the right thing to do.
Again it’s no secret that I really struggle when it comes to friendships. I would fight to my last breath for the people I care about but at the same time I make mistakes and end up causing distress to the ones I care so much about and right now I find myself in an impossible situation.
I have one friend who has broken the law but has nobody else to turn to. Being the only person they can turn to I have stepped in when the majority of folk would walk away. In 48 hrs I have lost two friends who don’t understand. It hurts that they don’t understand that if they were in the same situation I would risk everything for them too cos that’s who I am. At the same time I kinda get why they are pissed at me. I can’t win.
The guy staying with me totally (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed up again today. His emotions got the better of him and he ended up turning up at my home with a police escort, with me scared to death about his well-being in the lead up to this thinking he’d hurt himself.
I thought sharing my spare room to help a mate for a few days was the least I could do. It’s turned into a nightmare. I spoke to the police about my personal situation with my mental health and told my “tenant” I’ll let him stay til Monday if he behaves himself but one wrong move and I will call the police to have him removed. The police were present when I gave his this ultimatum. Whatever happens come Monday I need him gone. I thought I could do this, I thought I count be a good friend, that I could be there in their time of need but regardless of my intention I’m simply not good enough to be fulfil my duty. Yet again I have let people down and lost friends along the way. Every time I try to do the right thing I end up making things worse.
Apparently getting from Samaritans or Shout between the hours of 2am and 4am on a Saturday night is not an option. Really not in a good place and trying hard not to give in to the negativity.
You’ve got a plan with the police sorted. Can you spend time with your sister today?
Strugglingmum
20-08-23, 02:17 PM
You say you cant fulfil your duty. It's not your duty to as a friend to be walked over. You can still be a supportive friend and look after your own needs. No, it wasn't wise to take him in considering your mental health, but that doesnt make you a bad friend. I'm sorry you couldn't get the support you wanted overnight. I hope today goes ok and you get through til tomorrow and he leaves.
I wrote a really long post at 5am this morning but then didn't send it. I didn't know how it would be recieved. The general gist of it was explaining my struggles around relationships and how I interpret things differently to most people.
Today has been a nightmare. We’ve called police, support lines, adult social services, liaison and Diver the homeless team, and his GP. My phone, mobile and landline, has been red hot and we’re no further forward so looks like he’s staying one more night. Apparently, he can’t go without a permanent address, but he can’t get a new place to stay cos it may change him bail terms and the arresting officer and custody Sgt are both off and homeless team can’t do anything until they sign off on it in case the change of address means a change to the bail terms. Adult Social Services haven’t offered much help, in fact I’m still waiting to hear if they can do anything. The GP, well, I don’t know why I’m surprised but a man under an incredibly stressful situation and suffering with his mental health to the point he was hospitalised Wednesday with extreme anxiety, migraines, vomiting and high blood pressure. What did the doctor say? Call Healthy Minds and make an appointment (it’s taken me a month to hear back from them for a telephone appointment), alternatively if you need urgent help call the crisis team. He simply passed the buck.
We’ve put in the time and effort, including to 2hr round trip to the police station to speak to them in person but to no avail. If I kick him out tonight be breaches his bail and gets looked up and that’s another prosecution, but I don’t know if I can cope another 2 nights. The only other thing I can do is send him to the police station tomorrow morning with a letter stating I can’t let him stay at mine any longer as it is impacting on my health. I’ve done everything else I can but I feel awful cos it’s all come to nothing. A whole day wasted. I am exhausted. I’m also really pissed off that me went through my phone when I left the room to see conversations between me and his wife. Of course I had nothing to hide but it’s a violation of trust and after the crap on Saturday too I need out of the situation. 9am tomorrow he’s out of the door and even though I don’t want to be nasty, he is not coming back.
I came to bed at 8.30pm feeling totally exhausted. It’s now after midnight and still I can’t sleep. Everything is such a mess and whatever I try to do I’m always wrong. I read the last message a “friend” sent and I feel incredibly hurt. I have always given myself to the people I care about, often to my own detriment. Because I had a bit of a crisis going on Thursday night after the call from the police and I couldn’t be there for her I’m the asshole. According to her she’s dropped everything for me and got hardly anything back. Although it’s true she has done a lot for me and I never forget these kind deeds and forever appreciative but for her to say she got next to nothing back is hurtful. I don’t keep score but there are countless times I’ve been there for her but because I couldn’t tear myself in two on one occasion she comes out with this? It makes my feel like all I have done means nothing. That my investment in our friendship is worthless. Yeah I admit that I’ve been struggling for quite some time and those who have known me a while know how I go into self destruct mode when I start to spiral and I can be hard to handle. It’s not deliberate, I’m just not thinking straight and people who get too close can get dragged into my cyclone of destruction. Maybe because of that the bad out ways the good. Everyone who ever gets close to me ends up walking away cos I’m such hard work.
I don’t know why I’m writing this here. I know you all agree that it’s easier to shut me out of your life than have me in it but surely I’m not all bad? I must have some good qualities? Maybe not enough.
And I’m back in A&E again. 3rd time in 6 weeks.
They released me just before 9am. Atrial Fibrillation. ECG and blood taken and no other irregularities so they let me go. I only walked slowly from the bus stop to get home and chest feels tight. It feels very similar to when my asthma is bad so hard to tell what’s going on. I’m sure the stress of the past week hasn’t helped and getting so upset last night too.
Strugglingmum
22-08-23, 11:44 AM
Hope you feel better soon.
Thanks SM. Unfortunately, my stress levels are back up again. Didn’t get much chance to sleep cos 2hr after I shut my eyes police are on the phone telling me my mate wants £30 to but a phone and get credit and as it stands he’ll be sleeping on a bench tonight because homeless team can’t help him. Needless to say once I had a chance to process the information, it contradicted what we were told yesterday, plus I’ve no idea how me buying him a phone is any more likely to find him a bed? Yet again the police not giving me the full information so I call the homeless team to learn the full facts and basically the police are not taking responsibility. It’s starting to look like me agreeing to help initially is turning out to be a bad thing overall.
I can’t believe that trying to help out a friend in need has cost me so much. I really am a gullible moron. However if the police had told me he would need to stay with me for 3 months when they asked originally I would’ve known that I couldn’t commit to that. They said nothing, they dropped him off and asked one question. “Is it just yourself who lives here?” I said yes and they left. They didn’t give a toss about me or him. Even homeless team said what they did was wrong and I should’ve been given more information to be able to make an informed decision. I have often “helped with enquiries” but never been arrested and bailed. I’ve either been a victim of crime or a witness.
Anyway, less than an hour after the call he turns up back at my house. He rang the bell but I didn’t answer. I sent him out in the morning with a letter saying he was no longer welcome here only for him to turn up a few hours later. I was tired and didn’t want to have to deal with him. Then he realised the back door was open for the dog to go out so decided to let himself in!!! The absolute cheek of him. I dragged myself downstairs and told him straight. He doesn’t just let himself in to my home as it is no longer his residence and even though he has nowhere else to go that’s not my problem. If he hadn’t broken the law be wouldn’t be in this situation. I hate that I can’t fix this for him but at the same time I know I’ve done all that I can. I’m not responsible for him or his actions and I have to look after myself.
I already have a dog coming to stay for a few days. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t come with the same amount of baggage plus puppy cuddles. Lots and lots of them. My nephew is coming back with his gf and her daughter to stay with my sis for the week so I happily said I’d have their elderly dog while they are here. It means the little girl won’t be far from her pet as I live within walking distance and Talia has a low energy friend to hang out with which is perfect.
Strugglingmum
22-08-23, 04:40 PM
I'm glad your 'guest' has gone. Enjoy some quiet time. With Talia before your doggy guest arrives.
I’m playing hunt the ECG skintacts. I’m up to 13 so far. Sure I’ll find more when I finally get in the shower. I’m going to meet Luna at the local shop, it’s only a couple of hundred yards from my house but neutral territory for them to say hello. I already know having met Luna a few times before that her and Talia will be just fine together. Luna has met the psycho pup Milo and they are all good. Luna is a gorgeous girl who was rescued from a puppy farm by my nephews gf. She was nothing but a breeding machine the poor thing. I’m so glad she has a loving home now she really is a beautiful girl with a lovely temperament. The way I’m talking here they might have to fight me to get her back lol
Oh and the police are still pushing me, it’s not a phone or a roof anymore, it’s money for a hotel. Don’t get me wrong, I have the greatest respect for for our police force as a whole but they really are taking the proverbial at the moment.
Have you explained you’re on benefits?
Strugglingmum
22-08-23, 09:01 PM
Remember no is a complete sentence
I did tell them all of the above. They ended up contacting his wife who shelled out £80. He benefits were paid into her account today so she deducted the cost before transferring the balance.
I’m sat having lunch with another mate and now he has a phone he’s messaging me to help him with the library computers. I know I agreed to help him out where I can but I also need time to myself and my not cutting my lunch short to run off and sort him out. It’s still hard saying no cos I know he’s got no one else but he also knows how stressful this has all been on me. He has details of services to help him and I guess I want him to lean on professionals rather than me. I can’t and won’t drop everything for him, especially after the scare the other night with the AF. I have to start taking things easier but unfortunately saying no makes me feel bad even though it has to be done.
And the drama continues. I managed to track me down this afternoon, not long after I’d had a Mental Health assessment and I was talking with another friend I’ve not spoken too in a while. He storms in and throws a court order at me asking if I new about it. The friend I was taking to felt awkward and left while I read the non-molestation order filed by his wife. He didn’t take the news very well but I don’t blame his wife one bit for doing what she needs to feel safe. This whole saga is getting way to much now. I’m regretting getting involved at all. I’ve tried to put a bit of distance between myself and the situation but I keep getting sucked in again. He now has another place to stay which is a relief, I’ve pointed him towards to right people to help him and advised him of what he needs to do next. Sorting benefits and bank account, letting the right people know of his change of address. I’m hoping now he will leave me alone for a few days and I can focus on chilling out and enjoying lots of puppy cuddles.
Strugglingmum
23-08-23, 11:46 PM
You need to not engage with him, while you're still dolling out advise etc he is still gonna come to you. A simple, I'm sorry I've no idea what that means or how to sort it. You need to go to XYZ etc
Yesterday I insisted on a day to myself. Apart from my mate collecting the rest of his clothes and stuff I’ve had another chill day today. I went for a lie down at 5.30pm just for a few minutes. Woke up at gone 9pm. Definitely needed it. All my usual bodily de-stressing things have kicked in and although not all are pleasant at least I get to reset. Despite my extended nap I still feel tired.
I’ve had a telephone assessment with healthy minds this week and just waiting to see which path they send me down this time.
Good to hear you’ve prioritised self care
Yeah it makes a change lol. Got plans to get out of the house today. Go out for breakfast then coffee and crafting.
Strugglingmum
26-08-23, 12:57 PM
Sounds like things have gotten a bit better for you
Speaking to the guy from healthy minds and getting a few things out was good for me if only to admit how much they were hurting me. The past year has been incredibly difficult for me for one reason or another. Most of it stemming my ongoing difficulties in maintaining friendships especially when I’m struggling mentally. The time I most need my friends are the time I push them away even though it’s not even intentional. I get how hard it is to be around me sometimes and I can apologise a million times but nothing changes so guess it’s no surprise that people abandon me in the end. I don’t even blame them, there’s only one person responsible at the end of the day and that’s me. It’s hard to change that when I’m not really in control at the time, when all those warped thoughts are loudest and feel so real. I’d like to think that you guys understand. You’ve seen it time and time again. You’ve also seen me pick myself up and try to put my life back together by any means necessary. I’ve been dealing with this for over 20 yrs, there have been ups and down, the downs can last a few days, a few months or a few years. I hate it but have to live with it. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be mentally stable and carefree. Even when times are good I find myself waiting for the tide to turn, for that dark cloud to descend.
Sorry SM, yes the pressure I put myself under has lifted a fair bit and physically I felt well enough for a little bit of exercise, just a gentle 20 minute ride on the flat so nice and easy but after a couple of weeks of doing bugger all at least I’m getting some fresh air in my lungs.
Strugglingmum
26-08-23, 09:19 PM
I guess the hardest part for us with our poor mental health is Learning not to keep making the same mistakes even when the darkness overwhelms. Its something we all have to battle
Believe me I try. I do have a question though around trauma and this goes out to everyone. If you experience something that triggers thoughts and memories of a past traumatic experience do you find you mimic your own behaviour from the time of that trauma? Trying to think of an example. Imagine you were involved in a nasty car accident. After the accident you may have been scared of getting in a car again but maybe with therapy you got over that fear and all was good for a long while, several years. That you see the same model of car that hit you, same colour and that car brakes hard and the tyres squeal triggering the memory and despite the work you did to get over it you are suddenly afraid of getting in a car again. You have the tools to work through it but being thrown back in that moment you aren’t able to deal with it right away.
I don’t know if that is a very good scenario but hopefully you understand what I mean.
Strugglingmum
27-08-23, 09:19 AM
I think I get what you mean. I'm not sure.
There is an automatic response to trauma but the idea with having all the tools is to choose not to let the automatic response dictate your behaviour.
I not sure if that's what you're asking. I have PTSD so I have done so much therapy around this. It's not easy but it's around being able to override your default setting, know you're safe and choose a more appropriate reaction
I’m not having a lot of luck lately. Last night I learned that walking on laminate floor in socks is not a wise idea. Somehow I managed to slip and banged my head pretty hard. Not sure if I knocked myself out or not but I was certainly dazed Dunno how long I was on the floor for but and don’t actually remember hitting the deck. Oh well no sense no feeling.
Should you see your doctor?
Nah, I don’t think so. I’ve got a nice lump and a bit of a headache but I’m ok. I have managed to chase up the social prescriber. I have a telephone appointment tomorrow at 3pm. Only taken just shy of 3 months to get this far. At least things are finally moving in the right direction.
In other news, the friend who got himself in big trouble with the police seems to be getting himself sorted. He’s been pro-active in contacting various people for support. He’s in emergency accommodation so got a roof over his head and seems to be processing all that has been going on and sounded a lot calmer when I spoke to him this morning. That’s all a big relief for me knowing he is doing all the right things and I don’t feel so bad after taking a few days out to look after myself.
Strugglingmum
29-08-23, 07:08 PM
Glad things are settling
I’ve been struggling over the weekend. I don’t exactly feel like I can trust myself at home so got out the house early this morning. I can’t really see my purpose. I mean what is my role in life? I try to do the right things but somehow manage to screw everything up. I’m trying to look at the positives and it’s hard not to add a “but” to each of them.
Something someone said recently has been playing on my mind. I’ve been telling myself that they are the arsehole because I’m obviously struggling mentally at the moment and they aren’t being fair but it’s hard not to think that maybe they are right. She basically said that she had invested more into our friendship but got very little back. I got angry about that at the time because I have gone out of my way for her but now that I’m in a real slump and not in a position to give as much she hits me with this. It’s really hurt me. I feel like I’m being punished for being ill. It’s like I’m only worth what I give out and only for as long as that lasts. I know I’m considering a shitty friend here already so no point expecting pity, not that I’m looking for it.
Strugglingmum
03-09-23, 02:00 PM
No you wont get pity, because that's not what any of us need. It just encourages us to wallow and that's not good for anyone.
You have been so proactive today, getting out when you knew being at home was dangerous. That's a huge step.
Have you been a rubbish friend lately? If so what can you do to change that? Do you need to send an occasional text just acknowledging where you're at but that working on it.
Do you need to send a 'thank you' for understanding?
Do you need to change the tone of how you say things?
Yes its hard work but if the relationship is worth saving then do it.
I regularly have to check myself to see how I'm treating those who are important to me and apologise if I'm falling short. My poor mental health is not a reason to treat others poorly.
I don’t know. I’m not exactly great when it comes to maintaining friendships. Personally I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I told those around me a while back that I was having to take a step back from organised social stuff cos I couldn’t commit to anything and needed to take things one day at a time. Just another example of how putting my own needs first messes up everything.
Strugglingmum
03-09-23, 02:55 PM
You've acknowledged that you're not great at maintaining friendships, so maybe you dont realise when you are in the wrong. I'm not saying it's your fault but I am saying that maybe you need to learn from it. Our own perspective isnt always the right one and if this is something that keeps happening then you need to learn from it if you want to build good friendships.
That’s why I’ve asked for feedback from people here? I was told it’s in the past. Except it isn’t for me. I don’t always interpret things the same way and I’m fully aware that written text can be taken the wrong way whether that me me or others. Paula told me to read back through the posts and I have, so many times and it only makes me frustrated because I felt like I was the one being misunderstood leading me to react by cutting the forum and the people from my life while I tried to deal with my problems my own way. What I see in the old posts is me trying to explain myself but I can’t have done a very good job cos the focus of the replies was in the wrong place and I was getting more upset and frustrated with ever one. I needed time out because of it. When I thought I had worked through my issues I got bombarded with crap sending me spiralling again.
I have loved this forum and the people here for a long while and I still do but sometimes it’s not a good place for me. Yes I large part of that is on me but not all of it. I want to learn, I want to put things right. I’m so sorry for the breakdown of relationships and for any hurt as a result but I can’t change if I don’t understand and I can’t understand if you won’t speak to me. Maybe you think I’m acting dumb but I genuinely don’t get it. Everybody has seen this sort of thing happen to me again and again, sometimes it’s my fault others I’m told that it’s not but every time it happens I sends me into a tailspin and I can’t regain control.
Strugglingmum
04-09-23, 09:08 AM
I'm glad you have good memories here in the forum. If that has changed for you then only you can decide if it's the right place for you to be.
I know you have said numerous times that you are sorry for relationship breakdown and that is wonderful. However Forgiveness does not always mean a continuation of relationship. You cant demand or force reconciliation. Sometimes people are just done. They are done with explanations, done with drama and just need to move on with their own lives.
I have had to accept that in my life at times with people I have in inadvertently hurt due to struggling with my mental health. Does it suck? Yes but I had to accept that I caused hurt, even though I didnt mean to and didnt really understand how. My perspective was wrong. I was never going to see things in their way because I wasn't capable of it.
Also moving on gave me peace in accepting something was finished and I didn't have to keep striving at it, flogging a dead horse. It wasnt good for the other person and it certainly wasn't good for me.
Maybe you need to accept that some relationships are just done and move on from them. Some things cant be fixed
I’m not asking for reconciliation. I just want to learn from the experience and maybe in future not make the same mistakes. How can I do that if I don’t know what I’ve done wrong? You think I like hurting the people I care about? It hits me harder than you could ever know. This friend who feels like I’m not giving enough to our friendship really hurt me saying that cos I have always gone above and beyond for my friends. If you get on the inside of my walls then you are there for life as far as I’m concerned. Nobody ever seems to stay though. I want to change that but I don’t know how.
I had a meeting this morning with the social prescriber. I was open and honest about what’s worrying me and how she can help. She doesn’t seem as keen to deal with SS and the outlaws and thinks seeking an appointment with a solicitor is the best option at this point. I’ve been trying to avoid that if can but maybe she is right. I explained how things have been over the last few months and my struggles. She has suggested I register with the Well-being and recovery college and look into potential courses. I’d never heard of this service before cos I’ve taking a look and signed up to one course already. If nothing else it will give me something to do and get me out of the house.
I went to Aspie yesterday and it was nice to see old and new faces. I took part in the quiz and the team I was on won! Who knew that a bit of knowledge about the Tudors and a process of elimination we could work out the year of the Spanish Armada. It was all good fun.
I’ve decide to put my feet up this afternoon and watch some retro tv shows. Currently watching Zena Warrior Princess. I think most young girls growing up in the 90s wanted to be a bad ass heroine like her.
Strugglingmum
07-09-23, 04:48 PM
That all sounds very positive. Well done
Yeah you’d think so wouldn’t you? Then why do I feel like crap? Why am I lay in bed crying? I’m getting so fed up of trying my best to right the wrongs, to get the help I need, and still feeling like it’s all for nothing? Nothing I do seems to make any difference and I’m hurting so much. What is the point in trying when I never a break? I’m constantly tormented by my past and I can’t carry on like this. The pain is too much.
Strugglingmum
07-09-23, 09:53 PM
Maybe you need to stop trying to right wrongs and move on, leave the past behind and put your energy into building a future
How can I do that without making amends to for all the mistakes I’ve made? I’ve ruined not only my own life but the lives of my kids too. My youngest son thinks I'm the devil incarnate.
Strugglingmum
07-09-23, 11:07 PM
Is it realistic to believe after all this time you can make amends for the things you believe you got wrong? There is only so much you can do before you have to accept that things aren't going to change and you'll never find peace. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to punish yourself.
No maybe I can’t change what has gone before but does that mean I should give up any hope of being reconnected with my family? I’m not even going to try to explain. It’s too complex and today I’m not in a good headspace. I woke early after a difficult night sleep and weird dreams. I’ve been getting dizzy spells too
Had a pretty tough weekend and didn’t really wanna do much today but had plans to meet friends. I skipped the shopping element of hanging out with them as a) I’m not a fan of shopping, and b) I didn’t feel up to that much social interaction and settled for meeting up for lunch at Nando’s. A couple of hours was more than enough for me. I’m now hiding out in case someone else who I know to be in town goes looking for me so staying away from my regular hangouts. Writing this out makes me sound like a bit of an asshole but on days like these when I would much rather hide under the duvet I don’t have the energy to be sociable and I’ve done all I can today.
Strugglingmum
11-09-23, 07:16 PM
It's good to know your limits but still push to do something. Well done
I’m supposed to go out to darts tonight but if it’s still raining I’m going to give it a miss. Especially as I need to cycle to the other side of town. I’m still feeling kinda drained so a day on the Mandalorian diamond painting sounds like the best plan of action.
I’ve had a really stressful few days. There’s been a lot of drama going on that involved police welfare checks and A&E visits. Not for me but a friend, the one with legal troubles and his “emotional distress” has led to him getting himself in to more trouble. I know it’s not my problem but it doesn’t mean I can just stop caring either. It’s hard seeing him in such a bad way and yeah, it’s his own fault and he has to live with the consequences but still.
I’m definitely giving Talia lots of cuddles tonight.
I’ve made a tough decision. The friend who has get himself in trouble with the police, he’s really gone down hill. It’s started to really hit him that his life will never be the same again and he’s not dealing with it well at all. He doesn’t have anyone else as his marriage is over. He is a mess and I hate to admit it but I’m out of my depth. He’s been making threats about ending his life and although I don’t actually believe he would act on it, he’s forcing me to act because what if I’m wrong? Anyway I’ve chosen to sit him down and tell him that if he continues loosing his shit I can’t be around him because it’s triggering for me and completely unfair to expect me to deal with it when he’s fully aware of my mental health issues. If it happens one more time I’m going to have to walk. As much as I want to stand by him I have to put myself first.
Strugglingmum
17-09-23, 02:55 PM
Sounds sensible. Well done for making a tough decision
It’s hard cos he doesn’t have anyone else but I can’t go on like this. I’ll end back in hospital at this rate.
Its not your fault he’s got noone
Today I’m going to Birmingham to look at a car. With the weather changing I’m going to need a car to get around but I’m ridiculously anxious. I’m taking my bike on the train for the first time, stopping at a station I’ve never been to before and finding my way to an area of the city that I don’t know.
On top of that I’m not sure I should even be going to look at this car cos a few things aren’t adding up and I’m scared of buying a lemon. It’s not like I don’t know a bit about cars but I really don’t trust my own judgement.
Strugglingmum
19-09-23, 05:51 PM
Hope it goes well
I managed to cheat. I scrapped the bike and train idea and begged my sister for her car. That took a lot of the stress off me. I got here in plenty of time but the bloke is stuck in traffic and now 30 mins late. :@ I’ve had a bit of a look around the outside. A few dings and scratches but what do you expect from a 15 yrs old car for less than a grand? The car had been running before I got here which is a pain but now the owner is late it will have cooled down a bit so trying to take his lateness as a positive. Unfortunately, he lives in a dodgy part of town it’s starting to rain and my stress levels are climbing again.
This morning I had an appointment with my social prescriber. I was open about the kind of help I needed, not that there is anything available locally. I went back to ‘Spoons for cheap coffee and crafts. I mate who works there showed up after his shift with a pint and a couple of strawberry daiquiris for me. He started drinking and I had to buy a round back and this continued til way too late. It was nice to have an open and honest conversation with him but I could’ve done without the alcohol.
I left the pub after a convo with a bunch of freshers, and a convo with some homeless folk and their situation. I’ve been there, admittedly not on the street cos my youngest was 10 months old at the time so ended up in a b&b but even so I related to their situation. I only had a couple of quid cash which is unusual cos I rarely carry cash but I was convinced they weren’t druggies and genuinely needed help.
I’ve had a bitch of a day but not ready to share the full details night now. I know you will all think I deserve the crap I got for being a total mug but it doesn’t hurt any less. Gonna head home now and get some sleep hopefully
Strugglingmum
22-09-23, 10:16 AM
I'm not sure I think anyone deserves crap.
Welldone being open and honest at your appointment, I'm sorry there are no resources locally to you to help. Did they have any other suggestions?
I never would have had you pinned as a strawberry daiquiri kind of girl!!
I didn’t think I was a strawberry daiquiri kinda gal either, but they taste soooooo good and at 2 for £7 (even cheaper with my mates staff discount) it’s hard to say no. They also go straight to my head so I have to limit myself.
I’ve been feeling totally drained the past few days. After getting stressed out Thursday evening and not really dealing with the way I felt about it at the time I guess I needed to just take time to decompress the straighten my head out. I need to take a step back from all the drama going on around me and focus on building myself back up.
It’s Aspie’s 12th birthday this week so there will be a buffet and cake on Wednesday. It’s gonna sound a bit weird but you guy I know is away on holiday this week and the idea of going to Aspie and him not being there seems strange. There are lots of other people I get on with there but I don’t know if I want to go.
I took the plunge and I’m now back on Facebook after a long break. Easing myself back into it and trying to avoid the known problem areas for me. The virtual world is even harder to navigate than the real world.
Strugglingmum
26-09-23, 05:44 PM
You're doing so much positive stuff. Well done
I’ve been trying to support a fellow Aspie today. Trying to be positive, telling tales of feeling crap but coming through it etc but at the same time I feel like it’s all a lie. Yeah I’ve been there, done it, and I’m still here. The bit I didn’t divulge is the fact that I still feel like crap. That I still struggle regardless of the challenges I’ve faced and survived. That I still don’t really know who I am. I know who I try to be but I always seem to come up short. That I have lost so many people along the way because I fall short. I want to be more than I am. I’m not happy with who I am. I hate that I have hurt so many people that I care about for so many years despite trying so hard to be a better person.
I know that 9 yrs ago I came to this forum as a broken person. My confidence was in the gutter. I felt worthless. I couldn’t maintain a relationship/friendship. I felt like I was this horrible person who only ever hurt the people I loved, that anyone I cared for always left me. That whenever I let my guard down and let someone in they would see that I was this horrible monster inside. It took years of people here telling me that wasn’t true and eventually I started to believe it. I got my diagnosis and began to name the monster. The one that made me a little socially awkward, that made me unable to fully understand emotions or how to act appropriately. I called it Autism. Yes it is a part of me but it’s a part I couldn’t control. I part of me that I couldn’t change.
4 yrs on and now I’m asking myself was I right? Is that monster truly a condition that I have no control over? A part of me that has always been and will always be there and no matter how hard I try to change it? Eventually I just have to accept its existence and live with it? Am I always destined to go through the pain of hurting the ones I love just because I am who I am and letting people in will only lead to their distress? Do I have to spend the rest of my life keeping others at arms length to save them the heartache that comes from befriending me?
Why do I even bother connecting with people? Maybe it’s better that I keep my distance? Don’t allow others to get close to me and spare everyone the heartache that inevitably comes. Who the (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) am I to offer advice to anyone when I’m such a screw up myself? They say the road the hell is paved with good intentions and it clear which way I’m heading.
Strugglingmum
29-09-23, 09:36 AM
I'm a little confused, you name your monster as Autism. You do know that you cant change that or get rid of it?
You do have to learn to live with it, I thought that's what Aspie helped with.
People with Autism live very fulfilling lives, making connections and being their own unique selves. You know this.
Quite often their relationships are different because they are unique in how they connect and understand people.
If you hurt people, accept you were in the wrong, apologise and try to do better, it's all any of us can do.
If people are finished, let them move on, there are 7 million more people out there. Yes it hurts but learning when to let go is a major life skill for our mental health.
As for giving advice, which of us are truly qualified to give advice, we all screw up and get it wrong, nobody is perfect. You dont have to be on top of the world to give someone a leg up.
I’m sorry, I was in a bit of a state last night and I probably should stay away from the internet when I’m like that. My head was a mess and everything just came pouring out.
Of course I know that I can’t change my diagnosis and sometimes I’m at peace with that. Having a name for the struggles I have validate my issues. I’m not deliberately trying to be a pita. Other times I hate that I am this permanently flawed person who freaks out over what other people think are minor things and they can’t understand why I’m so upset. That I’m shit at maintaining relationships and that I’m effectively a shit friend because of it. I feel broken. I get tired of trying to hold my shit together and failing miserably. Sometimes I just want to give up and go back to being a recluse.
So yesterday was the start of the WSL, that’s the Women’s Super League for the non sporty people among us. I have my season ticket to watch Aston Villa and they played Manchester United in the opening game of the season. Utd won 2-1 which I’m sure puts a smile on Jaq’s face.
Saturday night I really wasn’t looking forward to it. I couldn’t drive there the taking two trains to get there plus organising my bag with stuff I needed, not knowing the layout of the station I needed to get off at, needing to take a shower beforehand and arrange to get to the station on a day when there are no buses due to no Sunday service on my route. Lots of small things that had time to escalate into a massive unmovable object and make what should be an enjoyable day out into a major challenge. Even sitting in a different part of the stadium was an issue for me. I had a friend to go with me and I’m glad about it because I would’ve missed the first train if not for him. Anyway we got there ok in plenty of time and the day went as well at it could. I left the house at 9.30am and got home at 5pm. A long day just for 90 mins of football. I decided to go out for dinner to a local pub and watch another game of Sky. I got there and the kitchen was closed. I stayed to watch the game anyway with a lime and soda and a packet of crisps. I was home by 7.30pm watch Ahsoka.
Today however I’ve only got out of bed to go to the toilet. I’m completely wiped out from yesterday. I don’t have the energy to even move. You’d think after years of pushing my boundaries I’d be used to this by now. I do get frustrated that for every big day out I have, it takes several days to recover from it. I am grateful to have Talia who loves a lazy day just snuggled up with me and snoring. It’s good to have her close by on days like this but it would be even better to be able to function like a normal human being of my age.
Why is it so hard to balance your own needs and the needs of others? Why do I feel guilty for stepping back and putting my own well-being first? Why do I feel like others peoples needs are more important than mine? And why do I feel like whatever I choose to do it’s always the wrong thing.
I’ve had a really tough day and I really don’t know if I’ve don’t the right thing by everyone else involved or is I’ve caused myself and everyone else more stress. I really want to curl up in the fetal position and hide about now rather than negotiate the mine field I find myself in.
Strugglingmum
06-10-23, 11:37 AM
It's hard line but I think ultimately it's being true to yourself
It’s been a long time coming but I finally put out a request for home help and refined the type of help I need. I have my cleaner and as nice a person as she is it’s no secret that there are elements of her being there that causes me more distress than assistance. Plus I need more than just a cleaner and I now accept that soar last branching out to get a slightly more tailored kind of support. It’s gonna cost me a bit more than I would like but I will be better off over all. Not it’s just finding the right candidate.
Yesterday I did a lot of new things and I got through them. Anxiety was really high when I had to get a train to a station I’ve never been to before on a route I’m not familiar with to meet a random stranger to test drive a car. It’s only two stops away but never going that way before and being on my own I wasn’t feeling comfortable. Anyway, I did it and feel quite proud of myself.
The car I went to look at was ok I guess for the money, the interior was nice and very spacious with tons of storage but there was just something about how it drove that didn’t feel right. I’m not convinced that it was the right car for me. I didn’t say a definite no but going to look at a few more cars to see if anything does jump out at me. I’m torn between the need to get anything to be back on the road, to holding out for the right car.
Feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment. Between the search for help at home and a cheap motor is getting me down. I need both in place fairly soon but I’m having to pace myself too which is proving difficult. My head is saying the sooner I get on with it the sooner it will be over, but then I’m telling myself I need to wait to find the right person/car and I can’t rush it, but at the same time I know I need these things in ASAP to make things easier for me and the whole thing is dragging me down. Add on top the email I got to book a Covid jab but even the nearest places to me require two bus journeys to get there so that is stressing me out as well. The fact they are all positive things to help me make it harder to ignore and I want to snap my fingers and for it all to be sorted now and relieve the pressure.
I’ve taken another step towards getting the home help in and after the cleaners thought it was a perfectly good idea to put the wet bathroom mats I’d removed back into the bathroom, because looking nice is better than functionality apparently. They have managed to lose the two door pins I needed to get my kitchen door rehung. My backpack with my air pad in it is nowhere to be seen and this is all because they move my shit without asking and she bringing so many different people to my home to help her any one of them could be nicking my stuff. This is the last time I will have to worry about it because by the next time they are due I’ll have something else in place.
I was supposed to go on a wellness walk this morning arranged by Autism West Midlands at Croome Court but I really wasn’t feeling up to it. The idea of being sociable and exercising wasn’t appealing so I ducked out of it. Didn’t feel up to going to Aspie either and have spent most of the day in my bedroom. I think I’ve probably been a bit too sociable lately and it’s taken its toll. Need a bit of time to reset.
So I found a car. It was the right kinda money and serves a purpose. It’s very basic and already missing so many features I no longer have. I’ve arranged for my mobile mechanic to come over next week and transfer the stereo, dash-cam hardwiring and parking camera into the new car. Have ordered a new DAB aerial and an extra aux plug to add to the boot area. Hopefully these little touches will help make it feel a bit more comfortable. I do know I will have to spend some money on it in the near future but it runs and has a full mot so it’s road legal.
The car (not that any of you are interested but I just wanna share) is an old 2007 Vauxhall Meriva 1.6 with just 77k on the clock. It’s got few knocks and scrapes as you’d expect from a 15 yr old car. It’s an MPV so is not only a well sized family car but can also function as a small van making it perfect for some much needed tip runs. I’ve also figured out that with the rear seats folded flat and my inflatable camping mat in the back me and cuddle pup could have weekends away and not have to worry about accommodation. Ideal for when I go over to the wye valley and I can work out other places we can visit too. Need to get the car fully looked over and be confident with it before venturing too far afield.
That’s all the happy stuff. I had a pretty big scare this week which has had a huge impact on me and my eldest lad. Last weekend a lad went missing from the town my boys live in. I didn’t see the news story until Wednesday when it was reported that the body of a 19 yr old was fished out of the river. I saw the victims age, gender, and home town and freaked the hell out. I tried contacting Robert but in true teenager fashion getting a response wasn’t forthcoming making me panic over more. I can’t ring the house cos of the court order so I rang the police who took the details and informed me that someone would get back to me in 2-3 days. The day after I got my sister to call them and get an answer. If it wasn’t my boy it’s likely to be someone he was at school with.
She managed to call me back and let me know that my son was ok, but shocked and very quiet because the lad who died was a friend of his. The fact my boy was safe was a huge relief as you can imagine but the whole thing made me realise just how disconnected I am from my own children and even with a disaster like that nobody thought under the circumstances that a call to tell me not to worry was the furthest thing from anyone’s mind. Anything could happen to my children and nobody would thing of notifying me. Even my sister read the article online and didn’t stop to think about the fact the description matched her nephew! I know you doubt her ignorance at times but seriously?? I have reached out and asked to meet up with my son but I’ve not had a reply. What I wouldn’t do to be able to give him a great big hug. I wish I could make his loss easier not that anyone can but I want to be there for him.
OldMike
15-10-23, 05:15 PM
Speaking of DAB Classic fm my fave channel is changing to DAB+ and the end of the year fortunately the tuner I've got in the lounge is DAB+ compatible but the one in my bedroom isn't. So treated myself to a DAB compatible one first thing it want to do on switch on was connect to Wifi arghhhh I want to listen to the radio not stream from the net.
Well that's enough burbling from me.
Glad your son is okay.
Hope there's no serious rust on the car you've bought, yup I don't drive but watch Wheeler Dealers and rust seems a recurring problem.
I went out to darts last night and the team recorded their first win of the season. I’m still not playing anywhere near a standard that I want to be but hoping to change that over time. It should’ve been a happy occasion under the circumstances but instead it was an another night where I shed so many tears and my emotions were all over the place. I refrained from post here about it because I know it would only lead to more hatred and be seen as me kicking off no doubt because you’re all just waiting for a reason to boot me out of here.
Strugglingmum
18-10-23, 11:29 AM
Glad you had a win. Well done
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