And breathe…..

[Stella180]

Life his been pretty mental over the past few weeks but I have achieved things that not so long ago seemed impossible. I’ve pushed my boundaries and fought my fears. I’ve gotten horrendously stressed to the point of a meltdown. I’ve been so exhausted I felt like I could sleep for days I’ve faced challenges and won. Tomorrow is my last event in my summer of sport. 1100+ miles travelled, 6 stadiums/arena, 5 cities, 4 different sports, 2 major competitions and one very happy girl.

I’m so glad I did it and have some amazing memories to share but I’m looking forward to a proper rest and start getting the rest of my life back on track. There is a lot going on behind the scenes but wanted to start a new thread with a positive post. You can shout out me for the bad stuff later. Right now I’m gonna celebrate achieving my person equivalent of climbing Everest.

[Suzi]

I’m so glad I did it and have some amazing memories to share but I’m looking forward to a proper rest and start getting the rest of my life back on track. There is a lot going on behind the scenes but wanted to start a new thread with a positive post.

I'm glad you've done these things that are good for your soul. A positive post is always great too!

[quote]You can shout out me for the bad stuff later.[quote]

I don't know what you mean by this, I don't think I/we've ever "shouted you out" for anything....

[Stella180]

I expect a bit of a telling off, I definitely deserve it for not looking after myself very well. It’s one thing taking on these challenges and it’s been amazing but although I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to as a one off or short term thing, I am also aware that long term it’s just not sustainable and the achieve one thing I often have to sacrifice another. A lot has slipped in recent weeks on a personal level and now I have to try and focus on fixing those and getting back on track.

[Suzi]

We aren't here to "tell you off..." You are an adult and are able to make the choices yourself. Whatever those choices and however positive or negative, they are YOUR choices. I am not sitting in judgement of you. All I'll ever done is to tell you how I see it, but I hate the idea that you think I'm going to "tell you off".... I'm not your parent or someone in a position of authority

[Stella180]

I’m sorry.

[Stella180]

Ok so I’m really not in a good place right now. Last night when the aspie lot left the pub a stayed a little while on my own and was close to tears. Today I went out for lunch and again find myself fighting back tears. My head is all over the place and I’m totally overwhelmed.

I’ve been a complete idiot taking on so much lately and now I’m paying the price. Everything around me has gone to shit and I can’t face dealing with it all now. I know I have a habit of pushing myself to do things but this time I really have gone to far. I’ve not been sleeping, I’ve skipped m meds, Talia isn’t getting the attention and care she deserves, I’ve not seen the cleaners for a month, the house is a mess, I seem to constantly piss people off without meaning to I don’t think anyone understands just how upsetting that is for me too. I have been so busy trying to fulfill my commitments I’ve not even had time to write my boys letter for last month and I hate myself for that. I can’t think straight and I feel so broken and useless and I don’t even know why I’m telling you here cos I feel like I’ve screwed up with you all and if I just disappeared nobody would really miss me.

[Paula]

You know what you need to do - eat, drink water, take all your meds, rest, give Talía what she needs including walks, get the cleaners in and breathe. None of these are beyond you, all of these you’ve managed before. All of these you can manage again

[Suzi]

Paula's right, time to go back to basics - missing meds is going to be an issue and going to make you feel worse. So back to meds, drinking and eating healthily and spending time with Talia....

[Stella180]

You make it sound so simple. Today it took me 3hrs to drag me ass into the shower cos even that was more than I could handle. There are so many other things that need addressing too. My CPAP is faulty, the washing machine has a leak, there are still mice around (at least I thing so but not actually seen one for a while).

Even sorting out the 3 bags in the boot of my car, 2 of which I used when at events for reasons I won’t bore you with, is feeling like an uphill struggle.

[magie06]

But you did it. You took a shower. Pat yourself on the back for that one. Yes, it's difficult to get back into routine once we've got out of the habit, but it's possible. Make lists, ask your chemist to do out your meds into weekly cards, don't be too hard on yourself.

[Stella180]

I’m supposed to be going to Sheffield for boxing tomorrow with a friend and I really wanted to go but I don’t think realistically I can do it. For christs sake just trying to pick up the towels and clothes on the bathroom floor and put it in the washing machine is reducing me to tears so a 5hr round trip and 8 hrs at the event isn’t an option. I don’t wanna let my mate down after she arranged tickets for us but I just can’t do it.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I’m hungry but I feel sick, I don’t want to be stuck in this house but I don’t have the energy to go anywhere.

[Suzi]

It's not simple, but it is essential...

[Stella180]

So I managed to sort a couple of weeks of meds out yesterday as I was getting in such a mess with them. Today I managed to call the hospital about the faulty CPAP. It switches itself off and resets during the night, I noticed when I was struggling to sleep a few nights ago. My chest hasn’t been good for a few weeks, since the few days of crazy high temperatures. Extreme heat can cause me problems with my asthma but now I know that the faulty machine has been exaggerating the issue cos it makes breathing harder if wearing the mask when the machine reboots. Gotta pick up a new one tomorrow.

I went out for a bit earlier but didn’t stay out for long. People kept trying to talk to me but I just wanted to be left alone. I feel so… lost. I don’t know where I stand with people and It’s so hard. I know I say and do the wrong things sometimes but I’ve got some people ignoring me, I’ve got other pointing why I’m the asshole and not understanding that I have feelings too. I don’t mean to cause upset and when I do it hurts me more that you know. I’m so confused right now about who my friends are, who doesn’t want me around and who is just hanging around cos they want something. I think I have an idea but if I say something and I’m wrong I’ll be even more screwed than I am now. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? It’s a balancing act I’ve never been good at and it messes with my head and my heart.

[Paula]

Well done for sorting your meds and the CPAP. Did you watch the closing ceremony tonight?

[Stella180]

I did and really enjoyed it although it made me sad cos that’s officially the end of my summer of sport. That dancer with the one leg was pretty epic.

[Suzi]

Well done for sorting the CPAP and your meds, I know that both can be really difficult to deal with.
Sorry you're struggling with friend relationships. You are right they are really complicated and don't come with a step by step guide to sorting them out.

[Stella180]

Who are my real friends? Do I actually have any who just like me for who I am? Why is it always down to me to stay in touch when my phone only rings when someone wants something? When I make a mistake I have to beg for forgiveness but when it’s the other way around it’s dismissed as me making a big deal out of nothing. If you’ve done something to hurt me it’s not nothing. I have feelings too. You all point out here about my “loyalty” but is that what it is or just plain stupidity cos no one seems to show any kind of commitment to me. I try my best every day to be a better person but where does it get me? My own family don’t even want to know. I’m sick and tired of feeling so damned lonely, it’s like nobody really knows me or even cares. I’m so far down the list of priorities in the lives of people I care about I may as well not be on it at all. Why do I bother when it’s so one sided all the time. If only one person could show me I mean something to them, for someone to care about me the way I do them. I’m so damned confused right now and I have no idea where I stand anymore. All I know is it really hurts to care deeply for other people who would rather I wasn’t around.

[Suzi]

I don't have any magic answers for any of that... I'm glad you're getting it out of your head though. Are you having any counselling atm?

[Paula]

Are you sure it’s that nobody cares, or is it that we all have our own issues to deal with? For instance, I’ve been unable to keep up with even my closest friends, what with feeling so ill with pain plus the stress we are all under with my father in law being seriously ill. My friends understand and don’t hate me for it

[Stella180]

No. It all ended a few weeks ago.

[Suzi]

I'm in a similar position to Paula. I'm so snowed under and been feeling so crap that actually I haven't even had time to do much. When I am sitting down pacing I'm struggling to focus...

[Stella180]

You guys have valid issues and I get it but what’s my sisters excuse? What about other local friends? Everybody all has too much going on to drop me a text? A 5 min chat? I’m wondering is what you call loyalty is really stupidity? Trusting the wrong people and calling them friends while I’m too blind to see that they give a toss about me.

[magie06]

All friendships go through highs and lows. No one ever knows what is going on behind closed doors. Hell no one knows what's going on in someone's head unless they tell you. One thing I do know, everyone has crap to deal with. Some times, our own crap can seem like the worst in the world, other times, all our ducks are in a row. A lot of time, our own lives are so crappy we just need to take a step back, and just breathe. Very rarely, our crap and other people crap happen at the very same time, and it can feel like no one cares. They probably do, but just don't have the energy to deal with anyone else.

[Suzi]

Your sister has never been good at communication with you. I don't think it's that she doesn't care, just that it doesn't cross her mind - I've been guilty of that with my own siblings too... Your local friends? I have no idea, I haven't met them. Lee? Too pissed to think about anything bur alcohol from what you've said, the others? I don't know....
There is no magic answer- Magie is right though so much stuff goes on behind closed doors/in heads that it's hard to understand unless it's you going through and dealing with it...

[Stella180]

Today has been a disappointment because…people.

I decided to go out and treat myself to breakfast at Toby carvery, the main thing I craved was bacon and tinned tomatoes. I got there and they were closed with construction workers around. So I went instead to the Harvester over the road. I ordered my breakfast with unlimited toast and decaf coffee. The guy serving me was not very friendly and English not his first language he fetches we toast and coffee failing to tell me where to refill, didn’t even get a choice of preserves. The tomatoes I craved turned out to be the tiniest half of a grilled tomato which was a major disappointment. As soon as I finest my food he took everything away including the coffee cup which didn’t get a chance to be refilled. I wasn’t in the mood to argue so asked for the bill and left. I went to Malvern to have a browse around the retail park. Couldn’t find anything I wanted and went to get a milkshake from McD’s. There was a queue so I popped to the toilet first. When I came out I see a sign. Yep, machine was down, no milkshakes or McFlurrys. More disappointment. I thought I’d get my hair cut on the way back so stopped at the cash point. Two ATMs, one out of order, the other offering services for not dispensing cash. I eventually find some cash to pay for my hair cut which is way too short but it’ll grow. I get back into town and stop at Spoons for a nice cold Lime and soda and just chill out with my earbuds in. I get a drink, sit down and some dude decides he wants to sit and chat. It is so hard to be sociable and polite when you just want to be alone to do your own thing. Twice he said “I’ll finish this one and I’m going home” and I kept waiting for that to happen so I could enough a quite drink and the air con alone but nooooo, so I made an excuse and came home.

This past week has been a real struggle and I’m trying to get back on my feet but these minor inconveniences one after another has just dragged me down further. Tomorrow is Jason’s funeral, the guy from Aspie who died during the last heatwave a couple of weeks ago. Typically I received an email yesterday saying the washing machine engineer would be with me on Friday but couldn’t confirm the time until on the day so I don’t even know if I will be able to make it. It really does feel like the universe is going out of its way to make my life harder and prevent me from getting back up.

[Paula]

Are you going to the funeral, love?

[Stella180]

Washing machine guy has been and gone so yeah I should go. Might have an extra hours kip first cos I feel knackered.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you are getting the chance to go to the funeral love.

[Stella180]

It was interesting in so many ways. I was 5 mins late due to a clothing malfunction. Basically I can’t dress myself in a rush. Jason was a difficult person to get on with at times and much like myself his humour was often misunderstood and his bluntness rarely appreciated but what do you expect from an Aspie? The turn out was impressive taking those things into consideration. About 10 of us from Aspie were there and a lot of his friends from church. His parents live in Scotland and were too frail to travel which is a shame but his kids were there his fiancée and his brother. Despite his complicated relationship with his ex wife and kids which was mentioned repeatedly (not sure that was necessary) there were some lovely words spoken and generally the service for rather upbeat and probably the cheeriest I’d ever attended which was really nice.

It got me thinking, with him being such a complex character and having the same super power as me (can piss anyone off without effort or understanding how) and he had so many people attend and give him a great send off, I wonder how many people that I knew would bother to attend my funeral when I go. I can’t imagine many would make the effort to travel or take time out to say their goodbyes or good riddance.

[Suzi]

Ahh, but being diagnosed with Aspie doesn't mean bluntness which comes across as something to not be appreciated....

Why wouldn't people want to come to yours?

[Stella180]

Trust me I’ve had a lifetime of people not understanding me and people really don’t like to hear the truth especially if it’s not a positive statement. I’m rude, loud, obnoxious, annoying etc. I’m not the person to ask “does my bum look big in this?” Cos if it does I will tell you. That makes me unpopular. That and other things.

There are so many people that I have upset one way or another I just don’t think anyone would care that I was gone. I won’t be missed.

[Suzi]

I don't think that would be the case at all.... And you can be totally blunt without it coming across as rude or nasty...

[Stella180]

My BS tolerance levels were extremely low today much to the amusement of a friend. I’m the person who simply says what everyone else is thinking but too scared to say out loud and I give zero f@cks baca use I can deal with facts but not emotions today. If you needed a shoulder to cry on, mine was not the one you would want to settle for. Still I didn’t have a bad day, hanging out with Aspie friends was cool. Even if it did involve sitting in the pub most of the day. It was a lot of peopling when I wasn’t in the best head space to play nicely with others but I survived without upsetting anyone too badly.

Tomorrow I have football but I haven’t organised my kit and the cleaners are coming for the first time in over a month and there is a ton of stuff I need to do to start making myself more comfortable in my own home again. Being away so much last month lead to me not wanting to be home. When I say everything got neglected over that time is no exaggeration. My routine was turned on it’s head and i don’t know how to describe it but I’m kinda scared of getting back on track while also being desperate to have that normality again. It’s the journey between here and there that is sort of overwhelming. That probably makes very little sense to you I feel like I’m so behind with everything and it doesn’t help that yesterday I was due to give blood but it was cancelled due to “vehicle problems” which threw me off a bit. Also after finally making the appointments for a blood test and asthma check up that I had been putting off, I got phone call today to say they had to reschedule my appointment tomorrow and now can’t get me in until 19th Sept. So many little things like my footy kit, and the cancellations seem like massive disruptions and further emphasis the lack of structure in my life at the moment. I have so many things in my head it’s like I’m in this packed crowd getting barged around while trying to find my way out. I get overwhelmed by the simple things and then I just shut down and can’t face anything which makes it worse but don’t have any control over it and it’s a vicious cycle I can’t get out of without help.

[Mattypompy]

I totally understand and empathise with your last paragraph. I often go through similar cycles myself. Then, when one shuts down and is useless, it makes you feel more guilt and worthlessness which exacerbates those exact feelings. I'm going to be assessed for Aspergers soon, as a random side note..

[Paula]

I wouldn’t say I’m scared to say what needs to be said - I just try very hard to be kind in the way I say it. I don’t always succeed but it’s important to me that I don’t cause pain. My dad always used to say that it’s not what you say, it’s the way that you say it.

As for structure in your life, I hope that today, with the cleaners coming, will be the start of getting that structure back (panda)

[Suzi]

Paula, my Dad used to say the same thing. It's something I've always tried to remember and to implement. Again, I "say it as I see it," but it doesn't have to be confrontational, or come across as rude or sharp - I hope that comes across...

Hope having the cleaners back starts to get things back for you lovely. I also totally understand about things becoming too much when one thing slides....

[Stella180]

I'm going to be assessed for Aspergers soon, as a random side note..

Not as random as you may think, I'm on the spectrum too

[Stella180]

I managed to go back to hockey today and use my new stick for the first time since I bought it a month ago. I was feeling a bit stiff this morning and wasn’t sure if it was a good idea but once I started playing felt better was it. Admittedly I struggled a bit after but it was worth it to get out and do something I enjoy. I met a friend after for a drink and a game of darts. My shoulder is still giving me grief and I have physio tomorrow (oops, today). My exercises were one of the things I had let slip and not done as often as I should so only myself to blame for the lack of progress and the inevitable bollocking I’m going to get.

I don’t even know why I’m bothering to share these things with you all here. Truth is I have nobody else to tell about my day and moan about how crappy things are and I just wanna get it all out. I don’t expect anyone to give a crap or even respond and that’s ok. I wouldn’t be interested in any of this if I wasn’t living it. It seems a lot has changed in recent months. The world keeps turning and I’m stumbling around not knowing which direction to go and constantly screwing things up. I don’t know where my place is anymore or what my purpose is.

[Paula]

When have we not responded? Of course we give a crap…..

Well done for getting to hockey (and socialising) - that’s a huge win. You’ve done so much recently that it’d be easy to allow exercise to continue to slide, especially as you were sore.

[Suzi]

I completely agree with Paula. We've never not responded or not cared....

I hope that your physio goes well today.

[Stella180]

I didn’t say you’ve never responded! Why do you always twist my words to make me sound like an asshole? I just meant that you don’t need to reply cos I’m just rambling. Not everything is an attack on you, in fact very rarely has anything I’ve ever said here been meant aggressively.

[Suzi]

I don’t expect anyone to give a crap or even respond and that’s ok. I wouldn’t be interested in any of this if I wasn’t living it. It seems a lot has changed in recent months. The world keeps turning and I’m stumbling around not knowing which direction to go and constantly screwing things up. I don’t know where my place is anymore or what my purpose is.


I didn’t say you’ve never responded! Why do you always twist my words to make me sound like an asshole? I just meant that you don’t need to reply cos I’m just rambling. Not everything is an attack on you, in fact very rarely has anything I’ve ever said here been meant aggressively.

I'm sorry that you feel that I twist your words to make you sound like a asshole as you put it. That is never my intention. It just felt that was what you were saying, and it must have felt the same to Paula as she made the same observation....

[Stella180]

You don’t have to be on the defensive all the time, I’m not your enemy and I didn’t aim my comment at you as I am well aware that Paula was first to comment. This had escalated into something it didn’t need to be. Again. Suzi, please know that I think the world of you and respect the work you do here and I know in the past you have taken things I’ve said to heart when it wasn’t aimed it you however you took it that way. I just want you to know that I’m not out to get you. Nothing I have said was meant as a slap in the face to anyone here and I know you always replay, I know you all gave a lot going on too which is why I said it’s not necessary. I’m just spouting a load of crap anyway so it’s not important.

[Suzi]

Of course it's important if it's how you are feeling.

[Stella180]

Yeah but you and Paula are upset now cos of me and that’s not what I wanted cos you guys really do mean a lot to me and not I’m upset cos I didn’t make myself clear and my words have bee. taken the wrong way or made into a bigger deal that was meant and I hate things being awkward cos I’m already confused enough about where I’m at with people lately.

Oh and in other news tomorrow would’ve been my dads 86th birthday and Monday my brother’s 64th birthday. Not an easy few days but need to pick myself up as I have a RLWC Power Swuad Mental Fitness session online Tuesday. I thought things would start calming down again now but I’m obviously deluded and still have loads going on and it doesn’t feel like it’s getting any easier.

[Paula]

Are you going to take care of your self today to help you cope with the next few days?

[Stella180]

I’m heading to the pub in a bit to watch the football and have a beer or two this afternoon. Dad and I used to watch the games together sometimes, especially if spurs were playing, I’d pop round and take advantage of him having sky sports.

[Stella180]

Saturday was spent mostly in the pub. I watch Spurs beat Wolves 1-0 before having dinner in spoons and gloating about the win. I then met with Lee and had a couple of drinks before heading to watch the AJ fight on the big screen and then back to spoons to finish the night off. He was a total mess and I had to get him home safe before heading home myself. Finally got in at 3am.

Woke up Sunday with a sore throat which I put down to the shouting and screaming while watching the boxing at first but I’m not so sure now. I spent most of the day in bed feeling sorry for myself only getting up to watch Newcastle vs City (what a game that was!) and have something to eat and was back in bed for 9.30pm.

Today has been spent mostly in the pub again (just the one beer to raise a glass for my bro) watching cricket and football all day. The rest of the week is going to be busy and sweaty. Football tomorrow morning, darts Wednesday night, Hockey Thursday morning and Cricket Friday afternoon.

I’ve somehow managed to commit to a few too many sporting events again. A week Friday I’m going to Manchester for the RLWC Power Squad launch event for the volunteers. I’m taking my sister and making a day out of it, having a wander around the Arndale centre and paying a visit to Boxx 2 Boxx, the cafe owned by England midfielder Jill Scott. The following Tuesday I’m in Stoke for a catch up with an old friend and watching the Lionesses WC qualifier against Luxembourg.

18 Sept I’m at Villa Park to watch Man City Ladies demolish the home team (rofl) and then at the end of the month another football friend has offered m tickets to Liverpool vs Man Utd legends charity match at Anfield which should be fun. 3 matches in a month in 3 cities. I’m contemplating going to Old Trafford in December, potentially going to Bournemouth to see them play Spurs in October, a week after going to Coventry to volunteer for the Rugby League World Cup, and in mid November I have tickets for the Grand Slam of Darts in Wolverhampton.

This year I’ve already covered a lot of miles, visiting cities and stadiums I’ve never been before. I have done more this year than I ever have my entire life but with the exception of possibly Lakeside in January I’m going to definitely take a break from it all. As exciting as it has been it also takes a lot out of me.

[Stella180]

So much for getting a good nights sleep. I was still awake until around 3am and when I finally did dose off a had a bad dream and was awake again by 4.30. I’ve spend the rest of my time tossing and turning, so much so that if a hadn’t been charging my smart watch I wouldn’t have been surprised if I closed my exercise ring while being horizontal. Safe to say that without any sleep I won’t be going the football later :( I’ve also got the first session of my Power Squad training this afternoon. Let’s hope I can keep my eyes open for it.

The dream was worrying for a number of reasons. I don’t remember everything about it but for some reason I was it a bad place mentally and was back home with my mum, but like it all dreams it wasn’t quite right. I was in a room alone, lay on the floor in the dark clearly unsettled and I light for outside came on and my mum opened the door and Robert (as a young child) came in and was upset with how he saw me and cuddled up with me to try and comfort me. It’s weird cos there was no Martin and a sense that he didn’t exist. Same with my Dad and my siblings. Just me, Mum (who was also younger) and Robert and when I woke up I was a bit freaked out by it. I’ve been getting puppy cuddles with Talia but I just couldn’t fully relax again or shake the feelings the dream left me with.

[Paula]

If you know you need a break from all the sport, why are you planning attending 8 events in the space of 3 months?

[Suzi]

You've really booked everything in again! You've also done a lot of "peopling" by spending days in the pub. Also, you're spending time with Lee, and feeling responsible for getting him home when he's had too much to drink.... to your own detriment again too - by getting home really late.
You've got active sports every day, and then so many huge sporting events booked in... You said you struggled after the last ones, so whilst they all might be exciting, I'm worried it's all too much tbh...

[Stella180]

It’s just the way the opportunities have fallen. A friend is driving to Liverpool so I don’t have to worry about that, the Villa game is only a small crowd as it’s a WSL game and just a short train ride to Birmingham so no driving involved. The rugby World Cup volunteering is 2 trips up the M42 on consecutive days and 8.5hrs work in total. If I can’t manage that my prospects of future employment is looking pretty low. I don’t know for definite if Bournemouth will happen as it’s a blue light offer for NHS staff and my mate has bid for tickets but not guaranteed to get them.

[Suzi]

Whether you can attend large sporting fixtures isn't a measure of your future employment options....

[Stella180]

Look, I’m just going to do everyone a big favour. Everytime I say anything lately I upset people or I’m misunderstood. If I try to explain myself I just manage to dig myself I deeper hole and I get more and more upset with myself and alienate myself further. I love you all and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me but I think it’s best I call it a day. Thank you to those who have tried to be my friend over the years and I’m sorry I’m not the person you thought I was.

[Paula]

That’s absolutely your prerogative but can you please make sure you’re not reading things that just aren’t there?

[Suzi]

Totally agree with Paula.

[Stella180]

Just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I’m ok and I miss you guys.

[Paula]

Hi, it’s been a while

[Suzi]

Glad you're OK.

[Stella180]

I really needed to take a step back and get my head straight. It’s complicated to explain but I had to do a complete reset.

[Suzi]

I'm glad it worked for you, but it wasn't so great for me when you completely cut ties with me. It actually really hurt.... Especially when I've stood up and tried my best to support you over the years... Through so much..

[Stella180]

I didn’t think you’d understand. Maybe I should’ve stayed away.

[Paula]

How can we understand? You dumped the people who have supported you the most, with no warning or explanation, and you expect that not to hurt? We are still ‘getting our heads straight’ over that.

[Stella180]

Thanks. Thanks for making this about you. Thanks for failing to recognise the problem. Thanks for shutting ME out of your lives in the first place. When was the last time any of you dropped me a message to ask how I was, away from this forum? Or gimme a call to catch up? In fact, when I had tried to contact people from here I was met with a lot of radio silence. Instead of making out I’m the bad guy stop and ask yourself why I needed to walk away from everything. Yes, this forum and its members have done a lot for me in the past but a lot has changed over time, relationships have changed, and I feel like I was the one being pushed out. That I wasn’t wanted when all I wanted was to be there for you. It all felt very one sided and considering I was the only with was a problem over it, maybe I was the one who had to get over it and distancing myself from the cause of my pain seemed like the sensible thing to do. Of course nothing has changed. I’m still the asshole, and spent most the day in tears, cos still it’s all about how you feel and no one’s gives a damn about how I feel. How hard it has been to try and figure out where my place is. I thought I was strong enough to make the brave move of coming back but I was wrong. I’ll always care too much and will be left hurting because of it.

[Suzi]

What did you expect any of us to do when you literally cut us all off? You didn't contact me at all about it, why would I contact you when it seemed that you wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I don't know what you thought changed and made you feel pushed out. That was not my intention, and I'm sure it wasn't the intention for anyone else either - we've all tried to support you and be your friend, but it's really hard when you cut ties with everyone...
Of course we care, do you not think that the same about us wondering and worrying about you?

Tell me, what is it that you thought it'd be like? It's been almost 2 months and you just disappeared...

[Stella180]

It’s fine. I think I know exactly where I stand now. I don’t need to be reminded about all you’ve done for me. That’s not the sort of thing I forget but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just you doing the giving. I made a mistake coming back, that’s obvious to see. Thanks for making that 2 months worthless cos in less than 24 hrs I’m right back where I started.

[Suzi]

But maybe a hello, an explanation or anything rather than just cutting us all off might have helped...

[Stella180]

Maybe check back and you’ll see where I did tell you.

I’m sorry for being such a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) up ;(

[Suzi]

This is what you said, this is not the same as talking it through - in fact both Paula and I did ask you to think about whether you were reading things that weren't being meant...
Look, I’m just going to do everyone a big favour. Everytime I say anything lately I upset people or I’m misunderstood. If I try to explain myself I just manage to dig myself I deeper hole and I get more and more upset with myself and alienate myself further. I love you all and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me but I think it’s best I call it a day. Thank you to those who have tried to be my friend over the years and I’m sorry I’m not the person you thought I was.

You have come on and immediately it feels like it's so hard. All I've ever wanted is to have you as a friend and yet you push me away and then often come back with phrases like the ones you've used today such as being a f*ck up, or me/us "making the last 2 months worthless" and pushing you back to where you were in less than 24 hours.
You say about it being hard to make yourself understood. It shouldn't be that hard, I thought we were friends...

[Paula]

Im going to be completely honest and say something really personal that I didn’t really want to say. When you dropped me likes a hot potato, from here, from Facebook, from your life, it really, really hurt me. And I’m still hurt, and still angry. I don’t understand what you expected after what happened.

[Stella180]

Are we? I don’t even know anymore. There were so many misunderstanding prior to me taking time away and I did it for my own well-being. You’re all going to tell me I’m wrong but it felt like I wasn’t wanted and that feeling was very real for me. You guys mean the absolute world to me, you’re like family, and I’m not just saying that but you’ve all got your own things going on and no one wants to turn to me for help and chat or whatever. I don’t know if what I saw was real or just in my head but when I try to contact people away from the forum messages were being ignored or calls not answered and when that starts happening all around the same time I started wondering why and so many bad thoughts started going through my head and I was getting paranoid that people were talking about me and no one wanted to know me and whenever I posted here nobody seemed to understand my point and it was like I was speaking an alien language or I was on a completely different wavelength or something. The more I tried to explain the worse things got.

You all mean a lot more to me than you could ever imagine, and I don’t think I could ever mean that much to any of you and that’s probably because I’m always screwing things up by doing or saying the wrong thing and when that happens nobody can make me feel worse about it than I already do.

I don’t know what else to say or how else to say it. All I know is that I’ve spend to last few hours in tears just the same way I did two months ago before I chose to walk away. Maybe I should’ve stayed away.

[Suzi]

I don't have a magic answer... I wish I did...I'm sorry you think that it was like you speaking an alien language... I thought we were trying to understand your viewpoint... Honestly however, where we go from here I don't know.

[Strugglingmum]

Hi Stella.
What have you been up to over past few months??

[Stella180]

Hi SM. I’ve mostly been trying to get my head on straight and surrounding myself with real people. By that I mean local friends as I’ve reduced my online activities. Been to a few sporting events and last Friday was my rugby league World Cup volunteer shift which was amazing. I got to be on the pitch for the national anthems which was an experience I will never forget.

How are things with the family and your big ball of fluff Katie?

[Strugglingmum]

Wow that sounds awesome!! I'm definitely a bit jealous!!
I'm ok. I'm working 3 mornings a week and learning to juggle life again. Io hasn't been great but we are all doing ok.
Katie is definitely unimpressed that I go out without her so much now but i try to make it up to her when i can.

[Stella180]

Awww, poor Katie. Anyone would think she was neglected lol. It’s great to see how far you’ve come. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you.

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you.

[Stella180]

No thank you. I’m just glad somebody is still willing to talk to me.

[Strugglingmum]

(panda)

[Stella180]

Today should’ve been a great day. I drove to Sheffield and got there in plenty of time, stopped off for a drink met a lovely chap and his son. Also could a market stall selling Lego figure so treated myself to a few. Watched the game with England winning 94-4. No traffic issues on the way home and was back in time to go to the cinema and watch the Coldplay gig that was being screened worldwide. Sport, music and nerdy stuff. What more could I possibly need?

All of still wasn’t enough to stop me fighting back tears. It’s been over 6 yrs since I last spoke to Nita and watching one of her favourite bands and not being able to share the experience with her made me feel so sad. I’ve always been an expert at screwing things up, especially with people I care for the most. Family, friends, no one is safe around me. I manage to alienate myself at every opportunity. I know by going MIA and hiding myself away for a while has caused upset and I’m sorry about that. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I just want you all to know I’m truly sorry that I hurt you. I never wanted that to happen and I will you all every happiness in the future. It’s in everyone’s best interest that I just go and stay gone this time. You all deserve so much better.

[Suzi]

ADMIN: As Stella has made the decision to leave the forum I will be locking this and every thread she has open currently. Suzi