Fed up of struggling *AB triggers*

[Pixie85]

So I was told I was going to be starting CBT on Feb, turns out it was a 2 session workshop on trauma and PTSD, which did nothing to help. I'm still waiting on trauma therapy to start and I have no idea how much longer than will take and I'm seriously starting to feel like how I was before I even started taking any medication, so I don't even think that's helping anymore. How long was your wait for therapy?

[Suzi]

I had a group of 12 weeks group work as an interim to counselling with a specialist organisation, but I've been told that with the wait for 1:1 could be 5 years or more. But each day I'm on that list it's getting a day closer...

When was your last meds review?

[Pixie85]

I've not been offered anything else. My dose was upped around mid December, I think

[Paula]

Then you need to go back to your doctor for a meds review, love

[Suzi]

Have you asked to be on the waiting list for 1:1? Definitely go and talk it all through with your GP lovely.

[Pixie85]

Yes, I've asked for 121....I had an email telling me they'd let me know when I'd reached the top of the list. Is there a way I can check my position on the list? The thing is that now it's been so long, I'm really going to find it hard to speak to my GP again....like I have to build myself up all over again, if that makes sense.

[Paula]

It does make sense, but you really need to do it, love

[Suzi]

It does need to be done. It's really important to do this. Maybe try to keep regular appointments so it's not building yourself up again each time itms?

[shine]

Do you have a number you can call for the counselling that you could ask about the waiting list. I think a lot depends on your location as to how long the wait is. It's definitely increased in the last two years. There are also helplines you can call such as Samaritans and mind and your GP can give you the number for the crisis line should you need.

[Pixie85]

I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm trying to sort some (much needed!) help, whilst I'm still waiting on a therapist, its been almost 5 months now. I've tried the live chat sessions with r*pe crisis and victim support and not been able to get through...I've enquired about 2 online CSA supports groups, to be told there is a "long waiting list"....I've asked about a face to face group, but I can't go to it because I'm "out of area of support" and I haven't been able to find another face to face in my area. I've been given the details.of samaritans and the samaritans app but that's what I was already doing....I was already emailing samaritans. This is so frustrating....

[Suzi]

There is a really long wait for all this kind of help - I'm waiting too, so I can totally understand how bad things can be and how unbearable it can all seem....
Why not post more here? The community here can really help - they've helped me no end, then as and when you've been here a while and we've got to know you a bit better I can add you to our abuse survivors group. It's a private group and I let people in once we've had chance to get to know you as it's such a triggering and sensitive area - I'm sure you can understand...

[Pixie85]

I didn't even know there was an abuse support group. I always think that I'm just being repetitive or I'm boring people �� I can't believe I'm still waiting....I'm sure when I spoke to the MH worker last time, she told be 2-3 months....obviously not

[Pixie85]

What do I need to do to be added to the abuse survivors group?

[Suzi]

As I said in my post you need to be a more regular poster. Due to the nature of what is said in that group I only allow people access who I have had the chance to get to know better. It's a private group and it needs to be that way...

There are lots of private groups: http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?41-Private-sections

[Pixie85]

Ok, I understand that. Thank you.

[Suzi]

You're very welcome. It's just there to protect everyone as best as possible.

[Pixie85]

I don't even know what else I'm supposed to do. I feel so stuck. This is rubbish ��

[Paula]

When was the last time you spoke to your GP, lovely?

[Pixie85]

Last time i spoke to my GP was mid Dec and MH team was mid Dec too. I sometimes feel like I don't want to tell them how hard I'm finding things sometimes. People say I wouldn't have my children taken away because of mental health and I know that but it's still a fear I can't shake. I don't even like using the phone because I tend to get too emotional.

[Paula]

Lovely, how are they supposed to know how bad things are if you don’t tell them?

[Pixie85]

I know. I know I'm not making things easier for myself. Another big thing is that I don't want anyone knowing my business and things that have happened yo me. What if they were to contact my partner etc O don't know how I'd explain things to him

[Suzi]

Why not put it in writing to them? At least then you will have told them. They can then help with chasing appointments too.

[Pixie85]

Because writing is hard too.I probably sound really awkward now, don't I

[Paula]

Why don’t you want your partner to know?

[Jaquaia]

I know. I know I'm not making things easier for myself. Another big thing is that I don't want anyone knowing my business and things that have happened yo me. What if they were to contact my partner etc O don't know how I'd explain things to him

From a counselling point of view, your therapist is obligated to keep everything you say confidential. The only reasons they can break confidentiality is if there are safeguarding issues or if you are planning to or have broken the law. Anything else, doesn't leave the room.

[Pixie85]

I just don't want him to know. I don't want anyone to know any of it

[Suzi]

If you don't let anyone in and know then noone will be able to help you. It's really hard to do, and there have been a fair few members here who have gone through it so we do understand, but this doesn't deserve to be a "dirty little secret" and actually is really important and you deserve to get help with it.

[Pixie85]

I'm getting help, its slow but I've made steps. I'm on medication and I'm on a wait list. What good would it do to tell him? I'd just rather he didn't know. I've got this site and I've been emailing samaritans too

[Suzi]

That's your choice lovely, no one here is going to pressure you into anything.... From my own experiences though, it's easier when you don't have to do this alone...

[Pixie85]

Maybe once I start with a therapist and start talking about it, I might feel like I can tell him.....but for now, it's a no to telling him. I don't want him to think differently of me....and with it being my 2 brothers, he's actually met them

[Suzi]

I understand more than you know love, I'm glad you're seeking help, but please, please, please try to get back to the GP and get things chased up and a meds review...

[Pixie85]

I'm going to try and ring for an appt tomorrow. �� fingers crossed I can actually do it this time ��

[Suzi]

You aren't on your own, we're all with you in spirit. You really can do this.

[Pixie85]

Thank you so much ��

[Paula]

Will you let us know how you get on?

[Pixie85]

Yes, I'll pop back on at some point tomorrow. Going to try and get a little bit of sleep now. Thank you ladies

[Suzi]

You're very welcome.

[Pixie85]

It took a while but I made the appt! Can't speak to anyone until 6th June though and the dr I have been speaking to isn't there anymore :(

[Suzi]

Well done for making that call. I know it feels a way off, but you could write a list of what you want to say and hand it in so they get that before your appointment.

[Pixie85]

It's a telephone consult. I find it easier than face to face but yes, I'll be writing things down because I know I'll be super emotional, as always when I speak about how I've been feeling. Don't want to miss anything out

[Pixie85]

Do you know if the Dr will have access to the MH assessments? Will he know what I've said? Or are MH records separate?

[Paula]

Is that a question you could ask the admin staff at your surgery?

[Pixie85]

I don't know. I didn't think of asking that when I spoke to them. I don't want to ring again, it took me long enough to ring for the appt ��(swear)♀️

[Stella180]

Yes, the GP should have access to information like that but they don’t always have time to read through everything prior to your appointment.

[Suzi]

See if you can over the next few days?

[Pixie85]

Oh I don't know why it made a face like I was swearing?! How weird. I did the facepalm emoticon. I'll see what Google brings up.

[Pixie85]

This might sound a bit strange, I'm not too sure...Do you ever feel like you're feeling "ok" sometimes....not ok like before all the sh*t happened obviously, I think that ship has sailed....but like you're not thinking about it all as much and you're not getting upset over it. I don't know whether this is a good thing or bad thing because although when I first started bringing things up and talking very briefly to a counsellor I felt really shitty, emotional etc but it some ways, I felt I was making steps to move forward, not enough steps though because I found counselling too difficult at that time, so I stopped.....but now I have the weird feeling of not feeling anything about it all and the reason I'm not sure.if it's a good thing or not is because I kinda think it's gone that way because I've buried it all inside my head again....am I even making sense? I don't know? I just don't know how I'm going to feel once things start being brought up again, once I'm finally assigned a trauma counsellor...but I kinda think that I might be in a better place for it now....now I have the medication to help. I'm waffling on here, I know 🤦(swear)♀️

[Suzi]

The meds are often used to be in place to be able to help you to work through things whilst you are more "stable..." Don't try to second guess how you are feeling and how you are going to feel, just go with it...

[Pixie85]

Supposed to have a telephone consultation between 8-9am tomorrow. Didn't even realise my other half is off work. I can't talk about things like this around him. He doesn't even want me on the sertraline

[Suzi]

Why doesn't he want you taking meds?

[Pixie85]

He just doesn't. He thinks they're a waste of time. I managed to speak to my Dr, he doesn't want to increase my dose yet. He's told me to get myself put more, meditation and to look for some kind of job....then ring back in a month. Don't think I liked him �� spent a lot of time talking about himself

[Paula]

A job? When was the last time you worked?

If you disagree with him, would you get an appointment with another doctor?

[Pixie85]

I've been a stay at home mum since Jan 2017. My youngest goes to school full time in Sept, so I'll be looking for a job then. I've also been in touch with Healthy Minds this morning as the Dr told me to chase them up and now they're saying they don't even have a record of me

[Suzi]

Well done for talking to him, I agree with Paula, could you speak to someone different? Were you able to tell him how badly you are being affected on a day to day basis with your MH?

[Pixie85]

I'll try ask to speak to someone else next time. I didn't really feel able to talk about how I feel properly because my other half kept coming in and out of the bedroom, whilst I was on phone

[Suzi]

Could you not tell your OH that you don't want him coming in when you are on the phone to your Dr?

[Pixie85]

I just don't want all the questions he'd be asking. He just wouldn't let it go �� I was starting to feel more positive about things, once I started talking to my GP/referred to Healthy Minds but feel like I'm going backwards after today. I'm so fed up

[Suzi]

Why you do think you're going backwards?

[Pixie85]

I'm asking for help but it seems like whatever I try, there are waiting lists, no spaces, nothing in my area. Just feel like I'm going back to how I was feeling before I even started the medication

[Suzi]

There are waiting lists all over the country.... When did you last have a medication review?

[Pixie85]

I only spoke to him about medication yesterday. He's wants me to stay at 100mg for another month and then call him back

I'm not getting a good feeling about Healthy Minds. I'm wondering whether to try and look for a private therapist that will do low rates

[Paula]

Why? Have you rung them to chase things up?

[Pixie85]

I didn't realise I did double post? I got in touch with Healthy Minds yesterday and apparently, they don't even have a record of me �� she was going to look into it and get back to me but not heard anything yet

[Suzi]

You can try to see if there is a specialist counselling service in your area - depends on where you are as to cost and waiting lists....

[Pixie85]

I've emailed 2 private therapists and I've emailed healthy minds again too

[Suzi]

Would you have been able to talk to your Dr better today? Or a different one? Could you try calling to explain how things really are?

[Pixie85]

I don't even know which Drs are there anymore. There were 2 others that I spoke to and the one before this one was so nice....but I don't even remember his name :( thing will calling up again is that it's something I'm going to have to work myself up to doing again! It's stupid, but I can't just pick up the phone and call

[Pixie85]

Can't sleep through thinking about this and having memories pop up. Anyone on?

[Paula]

Did you get any sleep, love?

[Pixie85]

Not really ��

[Paula]

What do you do to get to sleep? Have you tried meditation, such as Headspace or Calm?

[Pixie85]

Yeh, I've got headspace now. Didn't really find it worked. I suppose it doesn't help that along with everything else, my 5 and 6 year olds aren't well at the mo. Was giving my 5 year old calpol at 3am

[Paula]

With things like headspace, it can take practice to really benefit. How often do you use it?

[Pixie85]

I haven't been using it long at all. I'll try stick with it

[Stella180]

There is no quick fix and you need to continue with therapeutic tools you’ve learned in order to benefit from them and meditation is the same.

[Suzi]

Poorly children always messes up sleep. Hope that they are much brighter today.
Can you try to get a nap in during the day?

[Pixie85]

No chance of that. They are just letting me have a chilled day and lay on the sofa, whilst they play. I've just called Healthy Minds again and they say I'm approached top of the list for CBT and that'll it'll be 4-6 weeks...possibly sooner. Is that going to be the same as trauma therapy? I don't even know?

[Paula]

No CBT is not trauma therapy. Here’s a link for Mind’s factsheet on CBT. 4-6 weeks is not a long wait atm, hunni

[Pixie85]

I asked if it was trauma therapist I'd be seeing and got this response
"Hi Lisa

Regarding your question, please be assured that all the CBT therapists with Healthy Minds are trained to treat symptoms indicative of PTSD as well as depression and a range of anxiety disorders. Once you start treatment, you can discuss your goals and aims for therapy with your therapist.

I hope this answers your question"

I wasn't sure on healthy minds the other day but they've been pretty responsive/quick at getting back to me via email. So think I'll just be seeing it through with them now

[Suzi]

It's good that you are at the top of the list... Definitely stick with it to give it a good go, you can always get referred for a next stage after this...

[Pixie85]

Got myself a little upset earlier and thought how I should book to speak to Dr again..... then I remember how my usual Dr, the Dr I first opened up to and liked, had left.... remembering that just set me off crying even more.... I feel so silly!

[Paula]

It’s not silly. You’re dealing with a lot atm and crying is a healing thing

[Suzi]

Definitely not silly, be kind to you. Maybe call your Drs and see if they have a Dr with a special interest in MH or someone sympathetic that you could see instead?

[Pixie85]

Had another message from Healthy Minds, telling me someone will be in touch very soon now and although I've been saying how I didn't feel like I could wait much longer etc now I know it's coming up, feeling a bit scared about it now. A part of me.still thinks that I shouldn't be talking to people about things

[Suzi]

It is scary, but you definitely should be doing this...

[Paula]

I’m so glad they’re able to offer you the support you need

[Pixie85]

Do you think it's wrong that I'm due to start therapy soon and I haven't told anybody about it? Not even my children's dad. I feel like I'm not being fair on him by not telling him something that's so big and affects me the way it does but i can't and Part of me still feel like I shouldn't be talking about any of it

[Suzi]

No it's not wrong at all. It's how you deal with it. Talking about this kind of thing is incredibly difficult and has to be done as you are ready to do it...

[Pixie85]

I'm starting with a CBT therapist, via Healthy Minds, on the 27th June. I always thought CBT was about here and now behaviours? Rather than the past...Is this even going to be the right thing for me? I don't want to have waited all this time for something that isn't going to help....Have any of you guys had CBT?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't had CBT but I'm currently studying it. It is about the here and now but it's also about trying to change negative thinking patterns and behaviours, which may help with better coping mechanisms.

[Paula]

It’s been years since I had CBT, but I’d say it was less about delving deep into the past than it was about changing how I thought and felt about things - and therefore improving how I cope with life. Many people find it helpful so it’s definitely worth a try, imho

[Suzi]

I agree with Jaq and Paula - although it's about here and now, the fact that it helps you to build tools to help you to cope with things as they arise - this often is used as a good basis before any trauma work...

[Pixie85]

Thank you guys, someone actually told me that they have done CBT before and it was about learning coping skills before getting in any traumatic issues....that way it would help more, which makes sense

[Suzi]

How are you doing lovely?

[Pixie85]

Don't really know how to answer that to be honest. Hope you're all ok?!

[Suzi]

Aw love, doesn't sound so good... Want to write it all down? I know it helps me just to get it all out of my head - it doesn't have to be in order or full sentences. Just let it out...

[Paula]

(panda)

[Pixie85]

I feel fake, I feel guilty and scared at the same time. I feel like I shouldn't be doing all of this. Days like this come and go, just need to pull myself back together

[Suzi]

Fake? Hunni, you are NOT a fake. If something has happened that has made you feel "uncomfortable" or has caused you trauma then what you are feeling and experiencing IS real and therefore IS important and you DESERVE to get some help..
Oh and please, please, please don't tell yourself that you need to "pull yourself together!" That's so damaging and just increases the issue of trauma..

[Paula]

Sweetheart, your feelings matter, your health matters, you matter

[Pixie85]

I sometimes get this feeling like there is nothing actually wrong and I'm just wasting people's time.

[Paula]

Then you need to challenge those thoughts. You deserve help to get better - this is not all in your head - and you’re not wasting anyones time

[Suzi]

Paula is right. These are just your thoughts. They are not how things really are lovely. You are totally deserving of this help...

[Pixie85]

Thank you guys ��
I've been sent another appt this morning. So 2 appts now. CBT therapist on 27th and an appt with someone else on 5th July, I don't really know what her role is but I do remember seeing her name when I did the ptsd/trauma workshop thing....I've googled her and can't find anything on her. I've been waiting nearly 7 months for this and have been pretty open with how some days have been a real struggle.....but now its actually happening, I don't know....
This is scary stuff, isn't it

[Suzi]

That's brilliant that you've got those appointments through.

I know it's scary, but it's definitely a positive..

[Pixie85]

I've only got the one appt on the 5th July now, the other clinician had to cancel.Does anyone know if the CBT therapist will have seen what I've said in the MH assessments / the CSA that I disclosed

[Suzi]

I don't know, but you can always ask...

[Pixie85]

I've emailed about the camera question, waiting on reply for that

[Suzi]

What bits were recorded?

[Pixie85]

Oh I just realised I didn't mention the camera thing here. I just wanted to know whether I'd have to keep the camera on throughout the session or not

[Suzi]

That's something that's discussed with each therapy - I've had group therapy where it was optional, other appointments where it was asked to stay on... But just ask.

[Pixie85]

I've emailed but probably won't get a response until Monday. I'd prefer not to have the camera on, so we'll just see what she says

[Suzi]

I'm sure it'll be fine..

[Pixie85]

Spoke to my mum last night....She has been having treatment for rheumatoid arthritis recently and an incidental finding during this was fluid and shadows on lungs. Dr's have told her it could be scaring from when she used to smoke but they are wanting to do a biopsy and I can't even tell you how worried this makes me feel....Surely if it was the big C then she'd of noticed other signs, right?

[Suzi]

Oh lovely, that's horrible news - but at least they've noticed it and can investigate enabling them to offer her the best possible treatment.. (bear)

[Paula]

(panda) hunni, they’re doing the necessary tests and will treat her for whatever is going on. I won’t tell you not to worry as I know that’s impossible, but try to remain hopeful that it is scarring - for her sake if not for yours

[Pixie85]

I've been doing some things for myself to get ready for the CBT on Tues, mostly writing about things. I'm aware we won't delve into any of the trauma related issues on first session but I started writing and just went where it took me. I started writing about how I've been feeling / questions I wanted to ask the therapist and then very briefly wrote all the things that have happened to me....and for some reason, I still have it in my head that these things aren't big enough for me to be seeking help.... and some of them are, what seem to me, like small things.... like the way my ex boss lied to get me alone and try it on with me or when my ex would want sex, I'd tell him we couldn't as on my period and then he'd ask to check �� or the taxi driver that said he'd let me off with my fare if I gave gave him oral (I was drunk) and obviously the bigger stuff like the sexual coercion/r*pe from my childrens dad, CSA and r*pe by my ex, the fact that my grandad murdered my grandma and he touched me up too (he was a convicted r*pist but the r*pe wasnt me)....why do I still feel like I don't deserve help or that I'm wasting their time? I don't even know how I'm even going to begin talking about any of this stuff. I feel like I need someone to tell me that even the "small things" are worth me seeking help over....like that was all wrong too.....because if it wasn't a big deal then it wouldn't stick in my mind like it has, right?

[Paula]

Sweetie, if you were reading that from someone else, would you think they are “small things”. Would you expect another woman to get through that without it causing trauma?…….

[Jaquaia]

It doesn't really matter if we tell you that the small things deserve help too, it's about you believing it. You do deserve help and support, and you know you would tell any other woman who had experienced what you have that they deserve help.

[Suzi]

Those are very, very definitely things that you deserve to get help with, those are huge things - each one in itself.... As Paula says, what would you say if one of us was saying that to you?

[Pixie85]

You're right, I guess I need to start believing it myself but I'm not there yet. Thank you all for replying. I'm sorry I repeat myself/post so much

[Jaquaia]

You have no need to apologise! If it's in your head, get it out. I think we're all guilty of saying the same thing at times, I know I am, and that's ok as it's bothering us.

[Suzi]

Jaq is totally right, if it's in your head, get it out! I can't tell you the amount of times I've needed to hear the same things over and over again...

[Pixie85]

Thank you for being so nice

[Strugglingmum]

Oh my goodness, if you were able to read all the threads I've had since I joined his forum you would see how much I have said the same things over and over and over just to get them out of my head. This is a safe place to do that!!

[Suzi]

Not "nice," just honest. Many of us have similar experiences or things that we can empathise with....

[Pixie85]

Cam anyone chat for a bit? Is there a PM facility?

[Stella180]

What’s up?

[Jaquaia]

There is a PM facility but we encourage people to chat on forum and not offer one to one support as we just don't have the training for that. It's just to protect everyone. People will reply here though

[Suzi]

As Jaq has explained, not only are we not trained to do 1:1 support, but we don't have the ability to have that kind of support in place for any of us who do it. As has been said, talking on here is always an option and someone gets back to you asap.

[Pixie85]

I was having a drink at a friend's house last night. I went to bed around 2am'ish....an hour or so later, my little ones dad showed up at my friend's house, pissed. She told him that he could sleep in the spare room....which is where he started off and then about 3-3.30, he came and got in the bed with me and he just would not listen to me saying no to him and telling him I didn't want to do anything....for 1. It was my friends bed 2. Our 6 year old was sleeping next to me and 3. We're not even properly together that way anymore. He just wouldn't listen to me, held me down and he felt too heavy, I couldn't push him off me and I couldn't get away from him kissing me either. He couldn't go the whole way because I had fallen asleep with my jeans on but his intention was clear....he wanted sex, whether I did or not. He was doing better but then he just turned once he'd been drinking again. Is this just the type of sh*t I attract or something?! �� we were doing better, we were on ok'ish terms as he hadn't been drinking and now this.

[Jaquaia]

Oh lovely that's horrendous!!! This is on him, not you. He chose to do what he did, you didn't make him so that was not your fault and will NEVER be your fault!

[Pixie85]

I'm so sick of life right now

[Suzi]

That is sexual assault. You could report that so easily love... You don't ever have to put up with that shit....

[Pixie85]

I can't report. I don't think it'd go anywhere anyway

[Paula]

Why can’t you, lovely?

[Pixie85]

It's my word against his, isn't it....plus I don't want all the drama of everyone finding out

[Suzi]

You can report it, it will build up a picture of him and you don't know id there are already allegations about him.... Just glad that you'd left your jeans on love...

[Pixie85]

If I tell the therapist I'm speaking to on Tues, will she tell me to report it?

[Jaquaia]

She may tell you but I don't think she can make you.

[Pixie85]

OK, thanks

[Suzi]

I don't think she can make you either...

[Pixie85]

He doesn't seem to remember it

[Suzi]

How do you know?

[Pixie85]

I asked him what he remembers about the night

[Suzi]

Are you still involved with him?

[Pixie85]

Only for the little ones

[Pixie85]

I feel horrible today. I literally just don't have the energy for anything. I was going to start going for walks after dropping Little ones at school, but I've come home and gotten myself back into bed. Picked my youngest and his friend up at 11.30 and I've left them playing downstairs to get back in bed. I have the appt with CBT therapist tomorrow too, so I have this horrible feeling in my tummy/chest. I want to feel better but there always just seems to be something to bring me back down again and I just really don't have the energy for it anymore

[Suzi]

Sweetheart how old are your little ones? If you're able to stay downstairs with them, it might help your mood too...

[Pixie85]

It was just my 4 year old and my friends 4 year old daughter too. My older 2 were at school. They're 5 and 6 years.

[Stella180]

Ok this might sound a bit brutal but what the hell are you thinking leaving kids of that age alone? How would your friend feel about you leaving her child unsupervised while you went to bed? Anything could happen and you are the responsible adult. As for that abusive SOB why would you have any contact with him? Don’t use the kids as an excuse cos he sounds like the kind of guy you want as far away from them so everyone’s safety. The man attacked you while your child was in the same bed ffs! What is it going to take for you to wake up and see what’s really going on? Trust me, this is coming from someone who lost her kids and had a POS toxic ex. You are heading down a path you really don’t wanna go. You need to get your shit together for yourself and those babies of yours. I know you’re struggling, so was I but that doesn’t change the facts that your kids are going to suffer if you don’t get some help.

[Pixie85]

They were playing and watching telly....they weren't putside....I wasn't sleeping, I could still hear them both

[Pixie85]

We aren't even together properly any more. I don't know why he came to my friends house or why my friend let him in.

[Stella180]

Seriously!?

[Pixie85]

What?

[Suzi]

Ok this might sound a bit brutal but what the hell are you thinking leaving kids of that age alone? How would your friend feel about you leaving her child unsupervised while you went to bed? Anything could happen and you are the responsible adult. As for that abusive SOB why would you have any contact with him? Don’t use the kids as an excuse cos he sounds like the kind of guy you want as far away from them so everyone’s safety. The man attacked you while your child was in the same bed ffs! What is it going to take for you to wake up and see what’s really going on? Trust me, this is coming from someone who lost her kids and had a POS toxic ex. You are heading down a path you really don’t wanna go. You need to get your shit together for yourself and those babies of yours. I know you’re struggling, so was I but that doesn’t change the facts that your kids are going to suffer if you don’t get some help.

Hey, I know you have history but you don't have the right to have a go at someone like this. If you have something to say, then there are ways to say it, attacking someone like this is not fair or excusable - all you are ever going to do is trigger someone into feeling worse than they do already. Comments/posts like this could be the trigger to someone carrying out thoughts/ideations and this place is a SAFE space to talk, openly and without being jumped on.
This is NOT the place for posts like this and I won't allow them.

[Pixie85]

First appt with therapist at 2.15. My tummy is in knots, my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest and I feel sick....that being said, I really feel ready for it!

[Jaquaia]

Your therapist will expect you to be nervous. You've got this!

[Paula]

We’re with you in spirit, love

[Suzi]

How did it go love? How are you? Can rest and pace and be kind to yourself for today and the next couple of days?

[Pixie85]

Hi, it went good. A pretty positive first appointment. She ask a million and one questions but nothing I didn't feel I could answer. I was worried about CBT not being enough but she's a trauma focused therapist....so yeh, I feel OK about continuing. Another appointment on Monday at 9

[Suzi]

That's awesome! I'm so glad that it went well! Are you being kind to you for the rest of the day?

[Paula]

That’s so good to hear! I’m so proud of you :)

[Pixie85]

I've not done much with my day, apart from the session really. It's been a bit of a lazy, chilled one.

[Jaquaia]

It's always a good idea to relax and be kind to yourself after counselling. It can be bloody hard work!

[Paula]

Absolutely the right thing to do

[Pixie85]

My "homework" is a problem diary....if I wrote in it what happened over weekend...would it be seen as safeguarding issue?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm glad today went well.
That is a super fantastic huge step. Well done.

[Suzi]

It might pay to be as open as possible, if you can explain how things aren't going to reoccur and you are putting things in place then it might be the best policy - after all you can't do a jigsaw puzzle without all the pieces - it's no different.

[Pixie85]

I'm just a bit scared to say anything. Especially if it looks bad on me and my ability to look after the children....I mean with our 6 year old being there

[Suzi]

But you tried to make him stop... It looks much worse on him. You didn't ask him to come into your bed.....

[Pixie85]

I just don't want to stir up any drama with him, if they told me they'd have to tell other people or anything like that. He doesn't seem to remember

[Paula]

I don’t know, but I’ve got a strong suspicion he is using that as an excuse. Regardless of whether he remembers or not, sweetheart, what he did was wrong and illegal.

[Pixie85]

I know but I don't want to report it or anything but I don't know, I would maybe like to talk it through with someone

[Jaquaia]

You don't have to report it if you don't want to. We get that it's an incredibly hard thing to do. Talking might help though.

[Pixie85]

It's just scary. I don't know what he'd say to me if he knew I'd told people

[Jaquaia]

He doesn't need to know you've told people

[Pixie85]

That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of. If it would be seen as a safeguarding issue....would the therapist have to tell other people?

[Suzi]

Sweetheart it was a one off. You aren't inviting him in or getting drunk around him often, or being in the position for him to do it again... You are doing what you need to do to safe guard your little boy.

[Pixie85]

He's had similar behaviours when he's been drinking....that's why he stopped drinking for a while....for us to get back on track

[Pixie85]

Having some really feelings of anxiety today....don't really know why

[Paula]

After any talking therapy, it’s usual to struggle a bit more for a couple of days. And you’ve been talking to us about a very difficult subject too. You’ll need to be extra kind to yourself - can you do that?

[Suzi]

Paula's right, therapy is hard - really hard. You have to find space to be kind to you - get a cake and a cuppa or snuggle with your babies and watch a movie or some tv. Be kind to you.

[Pixie85]

I'm sat with a brew, watching cartoons with my 4 year old and his friend. Its kind of settled down a little now

[Suzi]

Well done lovely, it's so important.

[magie06]

As the others have said, therapy is hard work. Very hard. That's the first one done and it's onwards and upwards from here.

By the way, I'm Magie. Sometimes I reply, sometimes I just read. But like everyone here, I've been there, bought the tee-shirt, and practically wrote the book.

[Pixie85]

I think it was something that came.on when I was sat reading the "homework" I was set. She sent over a problem diary, where I have to write triggers/behaviours and feelings around triggers. Not really sure how I'm even supposed to write these things down. Can I maybe be added to the abuse group? I want to be able to go into what happened over the weekend but I'm not sure I can do that here

[Suzi]

Yes, that's fine. I'll add you to that group now lovely.