It's back again **SH SU Triggers**

[RubberSoul]

Hi
I've had depression for over 25yrs, from suicide attempts, hospital admissions, relationship break-up, meds, therapy, no meds, and living alone.
I look back and know I've caused my own problems, hurt others (emotionally) through being ill.
The past eats me up constantly. My everyday at home is spent alone. I struggle to get up, eat, and struggle to leave the house, unless I have to for work.
Being alone is destroying me, the depression and anxiety feed off it, making it all worse.

[Suzi]

Hi there, welcome to DWD. I've added some trigger warnings as per our standard practise so people are aware about what you are discussing in case it's a trigger for their own struggles.

Are you currently in contact with your GP/MH team? On meds? Do you have anyone around you as a support network?

[Paula]

Hi lovely, and welcome. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so awful right now. This is a wonderfully, friendly and supportive forum and I know everybody here will have your back.

[Jaquaia]

Hi and welcome! Have a look around and join in wherever you feel comfortable. There's absolutely no pressure to talk but you'll find plenty of support when you do.

[RubberSoul]

Hi
Thanks for your kindness. I'm not in contact with my GP/MHT, or on meds.
Whenever I took meds before they never helped, and made things worse. I have tried different ones but they don't do any good for me.
Being alone is not just the loneliness, when I'm like this, when it's this bad, sure I miss the companionship, but I need basic support too, like making sure I'm eating OK, and generally taking care of myself. The physical loneliness at the moment is truly unbearable.
Sometimes I look out my window and see neighbours and see the kind of life I could have had, but I screwed up.
Although most of my family live relatively close, I'm not that emotionally close to them. My siblings have their own life, my parents are in their 80s.
I had a girlfriend, and have a late-teens child, whom I don't get to see as we drifted apart several years ago.
I see no way out of this living hell, I constantly look back and so wish I had lived my life differently. I live with regret constantly, it eats away at my soul. Our past puts us where we are now, I know we can't change the past - and this very fact torments me.

[Paula]

I’m personally all for meds as I wouldn’t be here without them but I appreciate not everybody is a fan. Out of interest, do you remember which ones you’ve tried and for how long?

However, medication isn’t the only treatment available. Have you had or would you consider therapy (eg. CBT) or counselling as these can be very effective treatments?

[Suzi]

You sound like you need a hug... I wish I could reach in and give you one.

What things would help you right now?

[RubberSoul]

Hi, thanks for getting back. I sometimes find it difficult to post or reply.

I was on meds some years ago, I had sertraline, and tried 1 or 2 others (cant recall the names). I used to get horrific and realistic nightmares, about me or my family, so sleep gave me no escape. Others made me want to, and actually SH. As a side note, I think its strange that depression doesn't exist in my dreams.

I have tried CBT, and general talking therapies to not much avail. I honestly think living alone for more years than I care to remember has done the most damage. I feel I need the actual day to day company of a loved one, then maybe from there I could begin to deal with the crushing depression and anxiety.

Its good the meds worked for you :)

I saw a documentary on Netflix 'Magic Medicine' which was really interesting. But anyway I'd still be alone.

[Suzi]

That's OK! There's no pressure to post or reply! Can I ask how old you are?
Would you consider going back to see your GP? There are loads of different meds which may offer you some help, or a different kind of therapy?
What things do you do for fun? Do you have hobbies?

[RubberSoul]

I do, I wish it were possible, thank you.

I've been off work ('holiday') so that doesn't help, as that's the only time I get to see other people. I'll be back at work in a few days.

If I could click my fingers I'd move house to a little cottage right by the sea. The cottage would be real basic, second hand stuff, with the bare minimum (less is more). A rescue dog, and of course a loving partner. I sometimes think my house doesn't help me, as it's full of memories to haunt me.

In the real world, I struggle to put the bins out, as it means going outside. I have to go to work, so when I have to do things I do. If I didn't have to work I wouldn't. I know it'd mean losing out on seeing other people, but I hate going out. Nightmare. I know it's 'a good thing' to go to work, but the anxiety is suffocating at times.

I'm 54. Not really, I've never had any luck with meds, well apart from bad luck. In the past I've taken them for months, tried different ones.

I currently kill time watching Netflix/Disney+ listen to podcasts 'Stuff You Should Know' is my favourite one as the two podcasters are so funny as they discuss various topics. But it's all to kill time.

I sometimes cycle (vary rarely) if the weather is good and my anxiety is bearable, but that is very few and far between.

""Today my forest is dark.The trees are sad and all the butterflies have broken wings"

[Stella180]

What other interests do you have? Anything that would help you get out and meet like minded people? Maybe team sports, or a book/movie club? A friend of mine recently joined a walking club and they ramble all over the county and stop at pubs or coffee shops along the way. A good way to meet people, get outside and exercise. All good for your mental health.

[Suzi]

Do you work with people you get on with?
Have you thought about renting out a room to someone? Might give you some company?
Why don't you want to go out lovely?

Would you please think about going and telling all this to your Dr?
Favourite Disney movie?

[RubberSoul]

I tried to join a local group today, but currently they don't have the staff to run it. There is a couple of other groups, but when they meet up it clashes with my work shift, so it would not be possible. I want to change my shifts at work, but for financial reasons I can't until maybe the end of this year.

I agree with what you say about going out. I have been watching a lot of streaming TV (films/documentaries) again.

I miss talking to people, being with people. It's like I'm in solitary confinement, but I am not just the prisoner but the jailer too.

[RubberSoul]

Most of them are OK, but nobody closely get on with. A few know of my depression, but they have their own lives.
I used to rent out a room, i did it for 3 years, 3 different tenants. I had to rent out as I was in financial difficulty. I was lucky as they were all OK, well apart from one who was a bit odd at times.

I see little use to see my doctor as it's the loneliness that I need to get rid of first, but thanks for the concern.

[Suzi]

What kind of social groups are you trying to join? Have you tried organisations such as meetup.com?

It sounds as if this is more than loneliness, but I'm not a dr... Keeping in touch with your GP is always a good plan....

[Mattypompy]

Just to add a little input from me as your narrative resonates with me. I'm in a very similar place to you my friend, so I feel your pain.

I'm a middle aged guy, massive flare up of anxiety and depression. Like you I have past painful relationships, am very socially isolated with social anxiety. Makes it doubly difficult.

Sometimes I'm so low I don't want to see anyone or look any stranger in the eye. The loneliness hurts and that causes just mega negative self talk and rumination.

Your ideal scenario you mentioned , I have one part, the place by the sea. Need to work on the other two.

What I'm doing at the moment is trying to eat clean, exercise, try and volunteer and get a full review by a specialist for treatment. I've even bought a light therapy lamp. I use it first thing 8n the morning for about 15 mins. My mornings are the worst.

Even getting out of bed and going to the loo is a trial.

I'm here to chat buddy if you like. Your metaphor about being your own jailer couldve been written for my feelings.

Hang in there