View Full Version : So low. Don't know what to do...
Mattypompy
06-01-22, 05:43 PM
Hi everyone. I hope you are as well as can be.
I've been really struggling with my mood/depression.
I'm struggling to cope with my mood and don't know what to do
Ever since New Year my mood has absolutelyplummeted, yes part of it I'm sure is the Januaryblues but I haven't felt this low for 6 months. I live alone and am socially very isolated. Yesterday was my dad's birthday. He passed away a few years ago. We were very close and I think my grief is unresolved. I just want to talk to him. I've had tears today which is unusual for me, I don't mind saying. I lit a candle and wrote a note to him.
I'm also on a stimulant withdrawal, lots of caffeine Yesterday, it was my sisters birthday. Now I'm on a crash. I've also had anxiety break through. I'm going to talk to gp tomorrow I think my ADs need doubling. I have low dose diazepam.
I talked to someone on the NHS mh helpline earlier. I'm also food and sleep deprived. I'm just looking for some coping mechanisms anyone can suggest, I'm having intrusive negative thoughts.
Thanks for reading...
Xx
This time of year must be hard with your dad’s birthday coming straight after what can be a great, but also very stressful time of year. Have you ever considered grief counselling? Cruse are highly recommended in particular https://www.cruse.org.uk/
I'm so proud of you for coming and talking and for knowing you need to speak to your GP.
How did you cope with your sisters birthday?
When did you last eat something proper?
Mattypompy
07-01-22, 09:55 PM
Hi Ladies, thanks for the beautiful replies, I'm very grateful.
I actually had a worsening of the anxiety yesterday, which was a secondary effect of the very low mood. I have a pulse meter at home. I had a sustained bpm of around 130 so I went to A&E to be on the safe side. All the other vitals were OK and I stayed in reception until about 1:30am just to ensure the heart settled down to about 105.
I took 5mg diazepam last night and slept a lot of today, which was important as I only had about 2 hrs sleep Weds.
I feel so much better today. The mood is almost as stable as it was before yesterday. Massively quick turnaround. I caught up on some food today but interestingly the appetite is pretty suppressed.
I have been in touch with Cruse before Paula and will look into it. I did have grief therapy at the time. I was shocked how intense the emotions were about him yesterday. Hasn't been like that for years. What I may do is get the gp to write a referral letter and see someone privately. In addition to a meds review. I clearly have anxiety/depression/grief and self esteem issues to address. I know the commitment required to go through therapy and maybe in a couple of weeks I'll be ready.
Sisters birthday was fine, enjoyable I just had a massive mood crash the morning after. I over did caffeine drinks and I'm sometimes physiologically sensitive to it. I think if the 7nderlying depression was better managed yesterday's episode would have been milder.
Thanks
Sending love��
(panda)
So glad that things seem a bit brighter. I'm very glad you're going to ask for a referral - but although there is a wait you could go for NHS counselling if financially it's going to be too hard to maintain it privately itms?
Again cruse are brilliant and you can go back to them as much as needed...
Mattypompy
15-01-22, 09:56 PM
Thanks for the reply.
I have had a fluctuating mood this week. I've(swear) forced myself to try and be healthy, food, exercise and also got my light box out.
I am low at the moment. Again it's hard to determine exactly why. It's(swear) difficult to describe but it's like a force of just sadness that envelopes your spirit.
I have not worked for a long time due to many reasons but mainly my MH, confidence, self esteem.and social anxiety.(swear)
I want to change that this year. I don't mind what I do, even thought I'm well educated. I have a referral letter for a Psychiatrist so will try and set that up next week.
I think a lot of the problem is the social isolation and it's a viscious circle as when you're low you don't want to socialise. Constant negative rumination is also crippling.
Thanks for the Cruse tip. I definitely think I need face to face counselling, not remote.
Hope you're well. Thanks again.
Matt
Sweetheart, why not pop in more often so you can have more immediate support and suggestions?
Any joy of seeing a Dr?
Mattypompy
15-01-22, 11:23 PM
Sweetheart, why not pop in more often so you can have more immediate support and suggestions?
Any joy of seeing a Dr?
Hey Suzi,
Thanks for the speedy reply Legend!
Yes I should do. Sometimes when I feel really low like this I completely withdraw from communication with anyone. Obviously a classic sign of low mood. You're totally right though.
You mean pop in here, right?
I have an insurer, so on Monday I will try send get a private quick evaluation with a local Psychiatrist. There's a lot to unpick. I may need a different type of therapy. Perhaps DBT. I've tried not of the other common ones.
My Venlafaxine has been doubled and is slow release now. A 5 min chat on the phone with a GP who is difficult to understand, and I'm a tele phobe, doesn't scratch the surface at all.
The lady on the NHS mental health line was good. She suggested these YouTube podcasts Wuwei.
Thanks for being there.(y)
M x
I know exactly what you mean about withdrawing - that’s my trick too. But I also know it’s counterintuitive and talking about what’s going on in your head is far and away healthier and more helpful. There’s a quote about shame losing its power in the light. Depression makes us believe that we should be ashamed of how we feel, what we’re thinking and who we are. So it makes sense that the more light we shine on it, the less power it has over us….
After my comments last night, this appeared on my facebook page ……
https://i.ibb.co/F5QpNtZ/6-CD3-AF84-C9-B5-4045-A934-FD8-A2-F6-D577-C.jpg (https://ibb.co/LxTKbfj)
Love that Paula..
Matt - yes I mean pop in here, you might find that talking to people who "get it" might help a bit - not only on the depression front, but also on the loneliness front... I've made some amazing friends through this place.
My husband takes Venlafaxine 1 twice a day, so if the slow release ones aren't working as well for you that's something you may be able to try... Could you call and speak to a different GP?
Mattypompy
18-01-22, 01:54 AM
Hey Paula.
Thanks for the input. Wow that spiral of shame diagram absolutely encapsulates a lot of my cyclical depressive thinking pattern. So true the steps involved, like a champagne waterfall. I've had that kind of self talk for years. It definitely entrenches low self esteem. Negative selection of events and experiences then ruminate on.
You're correct about the vicious circle of social withdrawal when low, it is a self enforcing cycle but, as you said, a classic depressive behavioural response.
Denying one's emotions, good, bad or indifferent is expunged the essence of our humanity. I've always been very sensitive since a boy, my mother was too. It can be a burden to bear. Society also has toxic masculinity for men thinking we're robots or just cannot show vulnerability. Again, that's denying the truth of one's humanity and in my opinion shows strength.
Tough day again today. Had a mood breakdown this evening, brewing all day. Used a helpline to chat and seeing GP tomorrow for some treatment intervention.
Had an emotional release on the helpline and feel a bit calmer now. Also took my anti anxiety pill. Might try pregablin. Did you mention it on another post? Is it effective?
My private insurer doesn't cover psych help anymore so I'll look for other means.
Be well all
Xx
I don't think that being aware of the feelings of self and others is a bad thing love. I think it's a quality to be treasured tbh where there are so many fakes around eg social media...
Have you been able to speak to your Dr?
Pregabalin comes with it's own issues - I take it for pain..
Are you on any meds atm? Sorry, too many members to keep track of everything lol
I’m on pregabalin as well- for pain predominantly but it does have an impact on my anxiety. I don’t have the side effects to the same extent as Suzi though. It’s like any medication, I suppose, you have to weigh up whether the possibility of any side effects is worth the positive effect it might have.
Mattypompy
18-01-22, 11:11 PM
I don't think that being aware of the feelings of self and others is a bad thing love. I think it's a quality to be treasured tbh where there are so many fakes around eg social media...
Have you been able to speak to your Dr?
Pregabalin comes with it's own issues - I take it for pain..
Are you on any meds atm? Sorry, too many members to keep track of everything lol
Hey Suzi,
Yes I spoke to my Dr today and she made an MH referral for me, hopefully see someone in February, which is progress.
Totally empathise about all the other members you interact with! I'm on 150mg of Venlafaxine. It's been doubled. Think you mentioned your husband takes it twice a day, I'm on extended release. The update hasn't kicked in yet. Pretty melancholic now but felt much better in the day. I have my SAD lightbox here.
Hopefully I can see a Psychiatrist privately before I get into the NHS system. I was reading about a newish AD called Vortioxetine, had some good reviews. I may consider that if this up dose is ineffective. I've been on many over the years! Maybe I'm treatment resistant. I was reading about brain stimulation too. I'd do that if needed, maybe not ECT though.
Have a good evening.
Xx
I don’t believe anyone is treatment resistant, it just depends on how patient you are…. I am now on Venlafaxine 375mg, amitriptyline 150mg, Vortioxetine 10mg and lithium. It’s a lot, but it works. And I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to be well
I agree, I think it's all balance and down to what works individually.... Talk to us, talk to your GP and any secondary services and go for a balance...
Mattypompy
24-01-22, 02:35 AM
I hear what you're saying ladies. Sorry about having to use Pregablin for pain btw. I've had chronic physical pain before for about 5 years but an op fixed it.
There is a cohort of people who are seemingly resistant to conventional treatment. Basically means multiple ADS and psychotherapy without symptoms relief.
These are the people who either stay in institutions for years or have ECT and interventions like that.
I first had ADs in 1994, probably tried 20 different types. Some did nothing and some probably worked marginally. It's very hard to differentiate the placebo effect from actual objective efficacy.
It's difficult to know whether to increase dosage or change type. I mean you're on 2.5 x my dose of Venlafaxine atm Paula. Wow, you're on 3 different ADS simultaneously. I've never had two.
What's Vortioxetine like? I was thinking of suggesting that to the Dr.
Loneliness hitting me bad this weekend but I'm going to continue with the clean living and sensible stuff, I guess.
I'll do what is required to be well too. I cannot tolerate the crippling lows. I'll give brain stimulation a whirl if needed...
Xx
Lol I don’t think my treatment is conventional ;). 3 ads is rare….
I went into hospital in 2007 with the plan to have ECT as they thought they had nowhere else to go wrt meds. Another psychiatrist decided to have one more try at changing my meds before going down that route, and he was right to. It worked. I’ve had changes over the years but ECT has never been on the cards again
I’m still new to vortioxetine but several people here have told me it changed their lives….
There is NEVER anything conventional about Paula! Meds wise or anything else wise, she's her own total epic Princessness!
When are you going to see your Dr Matt?
Jaquaia
24-01-22, 11:46 AM
Vortioxetine has been the only AD that has made me anywhere near stable. I wouldn't let the doctors take me off it now. And I'm also on pregabalin for extreme anxiety. Both drugs allow me to function and have a life, though neither are perfect.
Mattypompy
25-01-22, 12:19 AM
Vortioxetine has been the only AD that has made me anywhere near stable. I wouldn't let the doctors take me off it now. And I'm also on pregabalin for extreme anxiety. Both drugs allow me to function and have a life, though neither are perfect.
Thanks for the input Jaquaia.
That's really useful information. I'm struggling so much this evening. I clearly need some acute psychiatric intervention to get some prompt treatment.
The social isolation and loneliness is so painful. I've lived alone now for 12 years. All I have is my own thoughts and constant negative rumination. Its like I don't exist. There is near constant deep sadness and unhappiness.
I just don't know what to do. I'm doing everything I can to help myself that I can think of but am getting worn down.
I want to speak to someone in person.
The year ahead I just want to achieve two things have good health, particularly MH and get a job. Anything else would be a bonus.
I just feel this depression is like a huge heavy lead blanket(swear) making me feel hopeless and wondering what is the point of existing. Just a really bad evening for me.
Thanks and keep well.
Matt
Xx
Mattypompy
25-01-22, 03:28 AM
There is NEVER anything conventional about Paula! Meds wise or anything else wise, she's her own total epic Princessness!
When are you going to see your Dr Matt?
Hopefully in a couple of weeks Suzi. I'm trying to raise funds for a quick private assessment then get transferred over to the NHS for treatment.
That brain stimulation therapy is £100 a pop. Between 15 and 25 needed apparently. Hopefully I can get it, if needed on the NHS.
I nearly had ECT in 1995 but in all honesty I bottled it and continued with meds. Took about 18 months to come out of thar first breakdown...
Xx
Hunni, did you get any sleep? (panda)
How are you doing lovely?
Mattypompy
27-01-22, 10:49 PM
Sleeping reasonably well for me, I guess that comment was for me Paula. I do have sleep apnoea and am going for surgery at some point at UCL.
I had a bad Monday Suzi but am starting to feel a bit brighter! Touch wood.
It's either an organic improvement, increase in Venlafaxine or the light box. Or a combination therein.
I have an appointment with a Dr in 9th February down here in Sussex. This guy is a sleep specialist and brain stimulation advocate.
There's a sex addiction specialist at the same clinic.
I've cut out the cider and am trying to lose a bit of weight too. God I despise January :(
I have sleep apnoea too so I sympathise…
Mattypompy
28-01-22, 03:48 AM
I have sleep apnoea too so I sympathise…
I tried all the conservative treatments imaginable, then cpap, couldn’t tolerate it.
I'm now going down the surgery route with a top guy from UCL.
It's good that you're talking more, it's nice being able to get to know you a bit more.
I'm glad that you're involving people - asking for help. That's really hard, so it's great you are doing it.
What's the sleep apnoea surgery?
Mattypompy
28-01-22, 06:36 PM
It's good that you're talking more, it's nice being able to get to know you a bit more.
I'm glad that you're involving people - asking for help. That's really hard, so it's great you are doing it.
What's the sleep apnoea surgery?
Thanks Suzi my lovely.
Taken me years to get to this point in potential treatment. Think I've had OSA for at least 20 years. It's incredibly unhealthy as Paula will tell you.
In answer to your question. There's about 25 different ops they can do. It depends on the individual characteristics of each individual. For me I have multifactorial areas of obstruction.
They did my nose. Now I'm scheduled for a double tonsillectomy and maybe a uvalaplasty to begin with. Then possibly a more invasive painful op, which clearly I'd like to avoid.
How do you manage yours Paula?
Incidentally, got any quick coping techniques for negative thinking? I have a bit today, and ruminating.
Of course I hope your all well.
M xx
Mattypompy
28-01-22, 07:35 PM
Typo trap! * you're :x
I’ve responded well to the CPAP machine (thankfully).
Do you practise mindfulness or meditation? I find both very helpful for when my thoughts run away with me
My Mum has Sleep Apnoea too. Hers has been untreated for so long that she's really poorly... So it's definitely something you should get sorted asap...
I'm a huge fan of breathing or grounding exercises and mindfulness, meditation and thai chi!
Stella180
28-01-22, 09:13 PM
CPAP is not a pleasant piece on equipment to use but it beats surgery hands down. Always takes a while to get used to, I remember having pain in my chest like a pulled muscle and the first couple of days using it I guess because my lungs went actually working properly throughout the night. When I was monitored I was “waking” upto 120 per hour!!! I stuck with it and the difference it has made to my life is incredible.
Mattypompy
29-01-22, 09:09 PM
My Mum has Sleep Apnoea too. Hers has been untreated for so long that she's really poorly... So it's definitely something you should get sorted asap...
I'm a huge fan of breathing or grounding exercises and mindfulness, meditation and thai chi!
Hey. Sorry about your mum Suzi. Often goes undiagnosed and treated. It's good you're getting some effective treatment with the cpap Paula. I have moderate asthma and just couldn't get used to the pressure against my exhalation, plus of course the Alien face hugging mask! I tried for about 2 months. I have an AHI of 60 on my back.
Cheers for the acute treatment suggestions. I often use bodysuit mindfulness, some breathing exercises when having an anxiety attack. I've also done some grounding exercises with stones at a clinic before. Thai Chi sounds interesting...
I was reading article about rumination and this Dr was extolling the virtues of just not engaging or trying to solve any thought that pops up, he thought mindfulness was a 'bad distraction' method. Not sure really.
That's interesting Stella that you have got such relief.
Can you tell me what sort of difference it has made to your life? Other people have said the same. Gives you more energy, lightens your mood, lose weight etc. Sounds good...
I love mindfulness and meditation. I also am an avid fan of The F**k It Theory by John C Parkin...
Stella180
29-01-22, 10:06 PM
That's interesting Stella that you have got such relief.
Can you tell me what sort of difference it has made to your life? Other people have said the same. Gives you more energy, lightens your mood, lose weight etc. Sounds good...
I too have asthma I totally get what you mean about the pressure. I struggled with insomnia for a long while and started taking meds which was knocking me out for approximately 8hrs but I was still tired and lethargic and taking naps during the day. Initially it was awkward with the mask and trying to get comfortable at night but once I got past that I was actually able to get up in the morning and actually feel refreshed, to actually sleep properly at night was amazing. My energy levels have definitely risen from before and able to keep going all day I don’t know about weight loss, that’s not something I’ve seen but I suppose being less tired and more active leads to weight loss. Obviously with depression, lethergy can be a symptom so it may be hard to notice a change and I still do have bad times where I feel tired a like my limbs weight 3 times as much at normal and I have the mental and emotional exhaustion but it’s a little easier to fight back from those symptoms when you’re sleep is regulated. Same nights I have forgotten to use the CPAP and boy do I know about it the next day cos I feel exhausted.
Mattypompy
01-02-22, 03:00 AM
I love mindfulness and meditation. I also am an avid fan of The F**k It Theory by John C Parkin...
(nod) Sounds hilarious, I must check it out.
That's great that you made so much progress with the cpap. Apparently OSA can cause, heart disease, stroke, high cholesterol, hypertension, metabolic syndrome. So deffo important to get it treated.
I'm not locking forward to my throat being dissected but this guy is the top one in the UK apparently. Been waiting an eon though. My GP screwed up the referral for 6 months!
Xx
It's brilliant, it takes lots of bite of other practices and puts them together. I actually find it really useful!
How are things lovely?
Mattypompy
02-02-22, 10:44 PM
Hey Suzi.
I'll definitely look into.
I'm not too bad today actually. I think the increase in ADS and light therapy may be helping. I feel more organised and motivated. Of course I have no idea how long that will last but hey..
I'm going on a trip tomorrow out of town so that will be something.
I have my private Psychiatric assessment in a week see what he says about a treatment plan and recovery pathway..
Hope you're well.
Xx
Im so glad you’re starting to notice improvement! I know it feels like such a long journey, but every step counts
Stella180
02-02-22, 10:57 PM
Try not to worry about how long your better mood will last, just focus on the fact that you are doing the right things for you. Ever those without depression have good and bad days so one bad day won’t mean all your good work has gone down the drain. You just need to focus on keeping up the good work.
Absolutely agree with Paula and Stella... Take it day by day - hour by hour if necessary....
Hope your day out goes well! Going anywhere nice?
Mattypompy
04-02-22, 02:57 PM
Absolutely agree with Paula and Stella... Take it day by day - hour by hour if necessary....
Hope your day out goes well! Going anywhere nice?
Thanks Suzi, Stella and Paula.
I just went back to my old city, 45 mins away on the train to go to the dentist. It was nice to get out of town for a while and have a few drinks.
Was supposed to meet a friend but there was a miss communication so missed them.
Then met my sister, the one I've had long term issues with. Had a few drinks which went OK. I told her that I'm starting therapy soon and need her to stop the abusive comments about my work status and my claiming benefits as it's emotional abuse and undermines my self esteem.
Then via text afterwards talked a bit of politics and she reverted to type with some abusive comments about tax payers funding benefits. She's quite far right wing. I put a straight but it irritated me after I told her to desist.
So feel a bit down and worthless at the moment. Will try and go out later.
See yer ladies
Xxx
Mattypompy
04-02-22, 03:12 PM
I bought that John C Parkin novel incidentally.
Why do you keep on with her when she is like that? Maybe it might pay to avoid those kind of subjects or just tell her "no. I'm not talking about it." and then just stop....
How are you finding John C Parkin?
Mattypompy
06-02-22, 01:15 AM
I shouldn't and I don't know why I do but I went there with the intention of telling her what I find abusive and for her to stop it.
She clearly cannot control her emotions and I refuse to be a vehicle for her to project her inner dysfunctional neurosis at.
I told her after. I said it 7ndetmines my self esteem and is emotional abuse, which is actually a crime. She's probably got a personality disorder.
I'm a very forgiving person, from my faith, maybe a mug too.
Not that it's relevant but I've paid my taxes before and am actually job seeking. She has schadenfreude I think.
I haven't received the Parkin book yet but its in the post.
Take care.
Xx
Like it's a choice to be ill.
You can forgive someone and yet still choose not to have that person in your life, constantly causing harm….
Paula's right. It's actually far more beneficial to you to not allow her in and forgive her, rather than her keep trickling hateful comments and causing you more pain, more harm etc...
Stella180
06-02-22, 11:58 AM
Yep I too completely agree with Paula but I know it’s not easy when it’s family. It it was someone who wasn’t a blood relative treating you this way you wouldn’t put up with it. Coming from the same womb does not give her the right to treat you like crap. You’ve already told her what you expect from her and if she can’t do you that one simply courtesy and you walk away it’s on her now you.
Mattypompy
12-02-22, 04:08 PM
Yep I too completely agree with Paula but I know it’s not easy when it’s family. It it was someone who wasn’t a blood relative treating you this way you wouldn’t put up with it. Coming from the same womb does not give her the right to treat you like crap. You’ve already told her what you expect from her and if she can’t do you that one simply courtesy and you walk away it’s on her now you.
Thanks ladies.
Yes you're all so right. If it was a colleague, acquaintance, stranger etc no-one would except that spiteful puerile behaviour. Like I've mentioned, she has personality and anger issues so I think is projecting her emotional onto me.
She has no right to. I've laid down the boundaries, it's up to her now. She's taken enough emotional capital from me over years. Think it's an insecurity from me being the baby of the family and her perception of being displaced. Me!
On another note I saw the consultant Psychiatrist on Weds, privately. He was very good and genuinely interested in helping me.
He's come up with a few imaginative ideas for treatment, either with him privately or via the NHS.
Things included maybe a change of meds from Venlafaxine to Vortioxetine, Schema or DBT therapy, a genetic test to see pharmacological response and magnetic brain stimulation.
He thinks I've been underdressed for years. All cutting edge stuff.
He also was scathing about my sisters abuse, which actually is a criminal offence now.
I'm going to try and dive into that Parkin book. I like the concept already.
Have a great weekend.
Xx
I'll probably see him again in a month......
I’ve just had vortioxetine added into my mix. It’s definitely helped my mood (and much quicker than I’ve experienced with any other) but it has caused some side effects. However, that’s always the case and it’s whether the pros outweigh the cons.
Mattypompy
12-02-22, 05:40 PM
I’ve just had vortioxetine added into my mix. It’s definitely helped my mood (and much quicker than I’ve experienced with any other) but it has caused some side effects. However, that’s always the case and it’s whether the pros outweigh the cons.
What side effects Paula? I'm also going to be assessed for Autism and attention deficit disorder.
I have a horrible dry cough from blood pressure tabs atm. I feel like a walking pharmacy!
Stella180
12-02-22, 06:16 PM
Ha, yeah I know that feeling. You’ll have to joint up sometime for a game of Patient Information Leaflet Top Trumps, Side effects edition.
Autism and ADHD often go together. Do you have a long wait after referral in your area?
I'm glad you've seen the psych and that you feel listened to. Do you have any thoughts re the treatment options?
What side effects Paula?
Insomnia and anxiety, though I don’t think those are side effects others here have had
Mattypompy
16-02-22, 08:59 PM
I'm glad you've seen the psych and that you feel listened to. Do you have any thoughts re the treatment options?
Hi, yes!
I want to try all! In all seriousness if I can fund it, or the NHS provide it, which they can, I'd like to try the brain stimulation.
He demonstrated it in the clinic. Made my finger by stimulating my forearm. The kit costs about £100k. You can have different settings for anxiety and depression depending on the brain area. It has a 66% long term success rate apparently.
Amazing tech. Also I'm minded to try a different med, maybe Vortioxetine.
As far as talking therapies, if available, this schema methodology sounds interesting. I need to concentrate on self esteem and social anxiety predominantly, he thinks my anxiety is quite profound and could be causing a lot of the depression.
I'm under-treated he reckons. Considering I've had no anxiety therapy for years he's probably right!
I have my NHS assessment next week Stella, so it took about a month from referral which isn't bad. I can let them pick up his recommendations.
I also filled out the Autism questionnaire
This all sounds so brilliant. So much hope in your post, which you've not had before. It's brilliant.
Mattypompy
18-02-22, 09:47 PM
This all sounds so brilliant. So much hope in your post, which you've not had before. It's brilliant.
Thanks Suzi. Yes when I wrote that I was feeling more upbeat and clear of thought.
Having a bad evening today though. Very low again, endlessly ruminating on negative things and being caught in a cognitive loop of neg thoughts feeling lower, feeling lower negative thoughts.
I need to start some of this treatment ASAP.
Thank you for your support and input.
Can you try to do something to distract? Read? Watch a movie? Do some Tai Chi?
Bad days happen even when we’re not battling MH issues, so please don’t think this means descending into a dungeon again, you have hope now that there is a way through, please try to hold onto that hope (panda)
Mattypompy
20-02-22, 08:20 PM
Bad days happen even when we’re not battling MH issues, so please don’t think this means descending into a dungeon again, you have hope now that there is a way through, please try to hold onto that hope (panda)
Hiya,
I will battle every day and hang onto that hope. Really that depressive episode, I had that initiated this thread, came out of nowhere and was so intense it was scary. There was really nothing that precipitated it, except the comedown of the New Year and maybe some caffeine withdrawal.
Considering I've had about 5 or 6 major depression episodes in the last 25 years then they can appear out of nowhere and do recycle.
I had a couple of confidence and self esteem wins last week. I managed to secure a job interview and attended. Awful anticipatory anxiety for hours before I went but I got through it. I didn't get offered the role, in caring, which gave me a downer, but I'm going to ask for feedback tomorrow. Haven't had an interview for many years.
Also I've been offered s volunteer role with books in a charity shop, just need to sort out a reference. I was proud to step out of the dark.
Thanks guys (panda)
Xx
Well done! Is caring what you want to do?
Mattypompy
12-03-22, 11:54 AM
Hey Suzi and guys.
Yes I do get a lot of satisfaction from caring and helping others.
Feeling very empty and quite low today. Been on the receiving end of some hateful abuse from my sister.
I've tried to mend bridges with her but she always reverts to abuse that undermines my self esteem and confidence.
I'm going to start talking therapy soon and do not need that negative influence. My Psychiatrist agrees.
Pretty much made up my mind to cut her off except for remote practical things done in a business like way.
I cannot see any other solution.
Hope everyone is well and progressing.
I hope you do cut ties as I can’t see you recovering otherwise. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it will be, but you can’t carry with this negative influence in your life. I’m glad you’ve got your psychiatrist’s support In this…
I agree, she's never going to change love and sometimes it's best to cut ties in order to keep ourselves safe....
Mattypompy
16-03-22, 06:37 PM
I hope you do cut ties as I can’t see you recovering otherwise. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it will be, but you can’t carry with this negative influence in your life. I’m glad you’ve got your psychiatrist’s support In this…
Hi Paula.
I am going to. I've written her a very detailed and candid message that I'll send. I've made the decision now. My life will be better without her in it.
She won't change. She's an emotional abuser and bully. I've verbally asked her twice to desist. The same day she messaged the abuse later. She's pathological. I've only ever been kind to her and loyal. Of course sibling arguments but nothing systematic, sustained and text book emotional abuse.
She has darkness in her heart and is trying to project that conflict onto me. A friend would tell her to f off.
She's 51 and after more abuse via messaging on Friday I sent her the below message. Her response, block me for 4 days then a sarcastic comment about my asking if she'd blocked me, the ignoring is attempted coercion.
"What loving, supportive words.
Just because we come from the same womb doesn't mean you're entitled to spout hateful abuse.
You could be loving and kind, instead of spreading abuse.
As I've mentioned multiple times, it's best if you're just clear about how we proceed as I'm starting therapy very soon.
I absolutely cannot have this malign attitude.
It seems you've made your choice, haven't you.
It's very sad and utterly unnecessary."
I deserve happiness as there's love in my heart not an abyss.
Thank you again(bear)
Well done for putting what you need first. It's clear that she needs some kind of help herself. Hopefully she will see that....
Mattypompy
26-05-22, 08:41 PM
Well done for putting what you need first. It's clear that she needs some kind of help herself. Hopefully she will see that....
Very wise words thanks.
I've had no contact in person for nearly 3 months a few curt emails.
I explained to her that if we were to meet again the bullying abuse has to stop permanently.
I'm in the midst of therapy and am a little more stable.
Just communicating with her fills me with dread
She knows full well the exact boundaries I have and her response to me asking her to give me an assurance is;
"Abusive as in I speak my mind, to your face? Would you rather I did it behind your back? You can tell me what you think of me, I don’t care 🤷(swear)♀️ "
An attempt in gaslighting that I'm too sensitive and deflection to say that if she doesn't care about abuse that I don't even do, I should be happy to receive it.
How do you deal with people like this.
I hope you're all well in spirit.
Xx
Stella180
26-05-22, 09:09 PM
Smile and walk away. I used to clash really badly which my Dad growing up. He was a grumpy old bugger and rarely had anything nice to say. Anyway after I had bought my first house and not long moved out of my childhood home I’d popped back to visit my parents and while I was there I’d have a slice of cake. I was talking with my mum and he walks in the kitchen moaning that I was a lazy cow leaving the plate in the living room and would it hurt to wash it up. Maybe he had a point and I should’ve washed it but that was no excuse for him to speak to me the way he did. He could’ve just asked nicely. I simply picked up my car keys and said, “I don’t have to put up with your crap anyone more, I’m going home” and I just walked out. From that day on our relationship changed. He was still a grumpy old bugger but he was a little more respectful. It might take a few times but but but not engaging with or reacting to her behaviour she realise she’s not getting the reaction she wants and hopefully she will change.
Block her and move on love. I'm in a difficult situation myself and feel I'm going to be cutting ties with a few people too...
Sometimes you have to put YOU first. If you don't get anything positive from that relationship, why keep it going?
Mattypompy
30-05-22, 05:42 PM
Smile and walk away. I used to clash really badly which my Dad growing up. He was a grumpy old bugger and rarely had anything nice to say. Anyway after I had bought my first house and not long moved out of my childhood home I’d popped back to visit my parents and while I was there I’d have a slice of cake. I was talking with my mum and he walks in the kitchen moaning that I was a lazy cow leaving the plate in the living room and would it hurt to wash it up. Maybe he had a point and I should’ve washed it but that was no excuse for him to speak to me the way he did. He could’ve just asked nicely. I simply picked up my car keys and said, “I don’t have to put up with your crap anyone more, I’m going home” and I just walked out. From that day on our relationship changed. He was still a grumpy old bugger but he was a little more respectful. It might take a few times but but but not engaging with or reacting to her behaviour she realise she’s not getting the reaction she wants and hopefully she will change.
Hi.
Thank you for your reply, very helpful. I'm grateful for you taking the time to reply. Yes I can see how you making a stand with your dad made a point to him. Some people only understand distance or not reacting to get the message. My theory is some people just want to project their bitterness onto others.
Sorry to hear you're having relationship difficulties too Suzi lovely. It's difficult to know what to do sometimes. Especially if one's natural personality is to be forging and tolerant. I hope it works out and thanks for the input.
So my response to her when she said "That's a yes then, eye roll emoji, was,
"No, it's not a yes.
No semantic games or debates, it's a simple case of your priorities.
I need an explicit assurance from you, as your word, that you won't continue the bullying emotional abuse again, that I've described to you ad nauseum, under any circumstances. I cannot have that toxicity in my life.
No one has the right to continue to do that, when they have been informed about it. It's never acceptable and is actually a serious crime.
This issue lies entirely within you. Like I said it's a very simple fix that you can choose whenever you wish.
Give me a shout when you make your mind ure mind up"
Her response, bearing in mind I'm simply asking her not to be emotionally abusive, which is illegal now, was;
"A serious “crime”?! Still being a drama queen then obvs. I don’t have the time or inclination to indulge you. Just do/think what you want, I’m past caring."
How odious can one be.
I've drafted a response but not sent it. Her problem is pride and being in denial. I have been gentle with her for months how she's made me feel and to stop. She will not accept she's being abus8ve as she's so used to it. Also she cannot bring herself to give me a simple assurance she won't be abusive in the future. In truth I think she probably not control herself as she has deep issues.
I'm not sure what to reply, if anything, as her MO is to deflect, be defensive and throw a tantrum.
Hunni, why reply? Why keep on allowing her to throw this stuff in your face? Just walk to by.... Delete, block and move on...
I’m with Suzi. Walk away and move on without that toxicity in your life
Mattypompy
02-06-22, 03:50 PM
I’m with Suzi. Walk away and move on without that toxicity in your life
I know that's the correct approach.
I've been really down this week with negative rumination about this and am supposed to be going away on Sunday and am not in a great mood.
It's just sad that a person you've had over 40 years of a relationship would prefer not to have a healthy Friendly relationship because they want to continue to be emotionally abusive. We always go to the Tennis in Eastbourne, that's what this conversation was about, and she cannot even acknowledge her abusiveness. Gaslighting me that I'm overreacting. I think she cannot change and is unwilling to self reflect on her personality failings so she tries to justify it.
Emotional abuse is a serious crime with up to 5 years in prison. I mentioned that because she's never accepted its seriouness.
I just literally cannot process that mindset. And she tries to downplay emotionsl abuse, making me feel worthless, useless and have no intrinsic merit of existence.
It's so alien to me that I'm sad It's a family member. How can anyone be so odious and nasty.
I'm not going to reply to her and feed her narcissism.
Thanks for the continued support, I'm indebted.
Hope you're well.
Xx
Sweetheart, I'm glad you're not going to reply. I'm doing the same with members of my family. It's hard, but if they only bring pain what's the point? At some point you have to value yourself enough that you cut out the bad bits...
Mattypompy
05-06-22, 03:55 PM
Sweetheart, I'm glad you're not going to reply. I'm doing the same with members of my family. It's hard, but if they only bring pain what's the point? At some point you have to value yourself enough that you cut out the bad bits...
Thanks Suzi. You're so right.
Just makes me sad.
Imm in the airport at the moment very down and on the edge of a panic attack.
I may not go and just head home. I feel awful..
Mattypompy
05-06-22, 04:36 PM
Munich, for the football and some cultural stuff..
I hope you did go. You could meet new people, make new friends and have some fun!
Mattypompy
05-06-22, 10:14 PM
I hope you did go. You could meet new people, make new friends and have some fun!
Hey Boss lady. Thanks.
Yes I did go. Felt on the verge of a full panic attack on the plane, not that I could go anywhere.
I did some breathing exercises and some muscle group clenching.
Feel a bit better now.
When I get home I think I'm going to change ADs from Venlafaxine to Vortioxetine. Definitely quite unstable atm.
One of the few I've never tried. I'm also on the waiting list for brain stimulation. I'm also doing some CBT too. Done it many times before but I tend to forget the exercises and rehress..
Thanks sweets.
Xx
Well done for going! It's great that you've been able to do so!
Also, keep practising breathing and mindfulness, it does help...
Well done for getting through the panic!
Mattypompy
06-06-22, 11:58 AM
Well done for getting through the panic!
Thanks as ever.
I feel I should put a cheque in the post!
Lol!
Just go and have fun!
Mattypompy
04-08-22, 05:32 PM
Hey folks.
Hope you're all well as can be.
I guess a leopard doesn't change their spots. My abusive, bullying sister, after I'd cut her off for 3 months said she wouldn't be abusive anymore.
We went out a couple of times when she was relatively non abusive, seems to have regressed back to her usual routine.
She used a couple of innocent throw away comments by me about something utterly irrelevant, and twisted it into attacking me on her usual topics of my not currently working as I'm unwell.
I'm not going to ger in this cycle of keeping distance, her being abusive, repeat. I'm too old for that now and it triggered a depressive episode on Monday, which is ongoing.
I'm going to be crystal clear to her and say if she does it again, I'll get up and walk away.
She needs help herself to understand and treat why she does this but unfortunately she's a narcissist and possibly slightly psychopathic.
I need to take control away from her, she's totally toxic and I'm a fool for engaging.
Thanks for all the previous advice. Feeling low...
I'm sorry she's still treating you like that.
I'm proud of you for making this choice.
You know you're always welcome here and you can talk as much as you want/need...
Mattypompy
04-08-22, 09:42 PM
Thanks Suzi.
X
Mattypompy
09-08-22, 12:49 PM
Thanks Paula, I hate being so sensitive. A lot of negative rumination today.
I want to.try this magnetic brain stimulation therapy but am awaiting a Dr's appointment currently..
(bear)
Do you want to talk through the negativity in your head?
Mattypompy
11-08-22, 02:09 AM
Do you want to talk through the negativity in your head?
Thanks Suzi.
Mainly it's incessant circular rumination of my thought stream. It's about low self esteem and emotional scar tissue from failures in my past. As my sister engages in emotional bullying it just initiates my inner dialogue to repeat these thoughts non stop. From the second I awake to the second I go to sleep.
I am doing cbt again, and after the last 2 weeks, do feel a bit brighter today. I've been using my sad lamp and being healthy. When the depressive thoughts become really intense my anxiety raises. I'm pretty certain a lot of my issues are neurochemical as ?I get down after drinking sometimes or doing a lot of caffeine
Just unloading a tad..
Hope you're all being the best you can..
Xx
Do you want to talk about the things you see as ‘failures’ in the past?
Alcohol is a natural depressant so that makes sense if you've noticed you are feeling worse when you have been drinking.
I agree with Paula, do you want to talk about those from your past?
Mattypompy
16-08-22, 01:02 AM
Hi Ladies, thanks for being accomodating. What I mean in general terms is education and jobs, missing opportunities perhaps. I had some relationship knock backs and that affected my overall self esteem and confidence to pursue other things.
In all honesty a lot of incidents were punctuated by serial episodes of deep depression so there wasn't an awful lot I could do at those moments as it was disabling. And, of course, having those issues there's an abundance of self loathing and taking guilt where it may not be reasonable and proportionate..
Are you up to talking about some specifics?
I agree with Paula, it might really help to talk about things, but only if you want to and are up to it.
Have you heard from your sister at all?
Mattypompy
17-08-22, 10:24 AM
I agree with Paula, it might really help to talk about things, but only if you want to and are up to it.
Have you heard from your sister at all?
Hi Suzi,
Specifics incidents are that I did graduate but feel perhaps8 should have done a further degree. Also I quit Uni twice before that as I didn't like the course and was going out socialising too much. I've had a couple of good jobs which I quit after a few months also due to depression. I feel some shame and guilt about that but I was genuinely mentally unwell.
I was out with my two sisters last night which was OK, but one of them, that I'm trying to cut off, was emotionally abusive and bullying towards me with a couple of comments. After I asked her not to.I feel abused. The reason I went out was that I was seeing both of them. I wouldn't have met the abusive one on her own at the moment.
I just seem incredibly sensitive to any slight she makes and endlessly ruminate.
I think I just have to have a long break from her and clear my head. Just maybe send the odd neutral text.
I'm very socially isolated, have social anxiety and feel really lonely. I don't know what to do. I'm on a caffeine crash too.
I'm sitting here in the dark and I cannot stop ruminating about negative things. I feel awful.
Thank you
Matt
I don't see anything in that which is a failure because you did the things that were right for you at that time. I think you need to try to be kinder to yourself regarding that.
Your sister really does seem like a toxic person to have in your life....
Mattypompy
17-08-22, 11:06 AM
Thanks for the reply.
Yes, I guess you're right. My self esteem is so low that I don't feel I'm entitled to any self compassion. He's she is toxic, that's the word I used to her. I'm cutting her off now, she's dominating my ruminative thoughts. I just contacted the GP, I think I need a short supply of anti anxiety meds if they can help me, I'm on the edge of a panic attack.
Thanks(panda)
But you do deserve to be kind to yourself. Is that something you can try to build into your day? It doesn't have to be huge, but maybe something like sitting and playing a favourite song, going for a walk, enjoying a cup of tea.... etc...
Suzi’s right, of course you deserve kindness and compassion. I do think it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor, love
Mattypompy
17-08-22, 12:05 PM
Thanks guys. Yes, self loathing is definitely one of the symptoms of depression in my opinion. This all comes back to low self esteem too and it can become a habit. I'm doing some cbt online with the help of a counsellor. I've done many courses over the years. Have just been reading about self compassion.
Hopefully the GP will get in touch today or tomorrow, I've filled out a form...(bear)
Good, I'm glad...
What have you done for self care today? For example my daughter has dyed my hair for me as I'm struggling atm, it was lovely and it was time she spent with me - super special atm as she's about to leave for uni in around 6 weeks...
My son made me a lovely hot chocolate this morning and is cooking dinner for me. My youngest gave me a huge hug! All these things are really wonderful and make me feel special. The fact that I'm allowing them to do these kind of things for me is something I've had to work on massively over the last while....
Mattypompy
17-08-22, 10:28 PM
Good, I'm glad...
What have you done for self care today? For example my daughter has dyed my hair for me as I'm struggling atm, it was lovely and it was time she spent with me - super special atm as she's about to leave for uni in around 6 weeks...
My son made me a lovely hot chocolate this morning and is cooking dinner for me. My youngest gave me a huge hug! All these things are really wonderful and make me feel special. The fact that I'm allowing them to do these kind of things for me is something I've had to work on massively over the last while....
Ahh yes, I remember leaving for Uni, it was pretty stressful.
Definitely seems like you got some excellent quality moments in with your kids today. That is great.
The Dr got back to me quite quick. Processed a prescription for me, I'll pick up tomorrow. I made myself a decent meal and forced myself outside and sat at the beach for a while watching some swimmers and the wind farm.
Tomorrow I have my final cbt counsellor contact, then I'm off to house sit some animals for a week.
I'll cover the issue with my sister when I'm feeling stronger emotionally, next week. And make it a conclusive outcome. She stops, judge her on her actions or we have a distant 'civil' relationship but I will leave no doubt where the responsibility lies. She's an accomplished manipulator.
Hooe your struggles abate...(bear)
Sounds like you did manage some self care yesterday, that's brilliant. I hope you can bring it in on a daily basis.
I'm really glad that your Dr sorted a prescription so fast.
Being blunt you've tried giving her ultimatums before and she's only lasted a short time. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but what's going to make her change this time?
Mattypompy
11-09-22, 07:44 PM
Hi Suzi, thanks for the selfless kind input as ever. I totally agree with what you've said about her. There's crystal clarity of my position. We're adults not children. There's a darkness in her that she projects onto me. I'm going to pare back any interaction with her significantly, just be civil.
If i'm in her company and she starts again, I've told her, I'll just get up and leave.
The last couple of weeks I've been constantly really low and always anxious as I am now. I upped a dose of Vortioxetine, a new med, and its made me feel awful so I'm weaning myself of it.
I'm finally seeing an NHS psychiatrist in 8 days, for new treatment. I feel so awful, my negative self talk is incessant from waking until I go to sleep, I can't stop it.
I have my SAD light on at the moment and am being physically healthy, just completed a cbt course, doing mindfulness and nothing is working.
I'm bereft of ideas and feel absolutely horrendous.
I don't know what to do..
Hunni, you've been saying that you will leave if she starts so many times. I know she's your sister, but there has to come a point where you put you first.
Why don't you check in a bit more often? You might find it really helps to keep talking and to also talk through options of what happens with her etc...
Are you stopping the vort under the supervision of a Dr? How long were you on it for?
None of these options are going to make you feel better overnight, or in a months time. You have to use all of it for a sustained period of time. You didn't get this poorly overnight, so it's going to take time and self care, support, right therapy options etc to get you feeling brighter.....
I was put on vortioxetine at the tail end of last year and, while it helped my mood, it made me really, really anxious. My psychiatrist told me that was a common side effect but encouraged me to stay on it. It took a while, but the anxiety did eventually pass
Mattypompy
11-09-22, 09:10 PM
Hunni, you've been saying that you will leave if she starts so many times. I know she's your sister, but there has to come a point where you put you first.
Why don't you check in a bit more often? You might find it really helps to keep talking and to also talk through options of what happens with her etc...
Are you stopping the vort under the supervision of a Dr? How long were you on it for?
None of these options are going to make you feel better overnight, or in a months time. You have to use all of it for a sustained period of time. You didn't get this poorly overnight, so it's going to take time and self care, support, right therapy options etc to get you feeling brighter.....
Hey Suzi. I agree and have been saying that sbout her for months. Then in March I told her and cut her off for 4 months. We then went to 4 sporting events in 6 werks as ahe was fine at 2.5 of them. I've only got one future arrangement with her for the end of the month. This is the first time after O told her about getting up and leaving, so we'll see. I hear you and agree.
I told the gp I was coming off of the Vortioxetine a week ago. My anxiety is through the roof. I started it 3 months ago. Double dose about 2 months ago and am back down to 5mg. I may go back to Escitalopram when I sed tge Dr next werk or possibly try Duloxetine.
I'm exhausted with trying things that don't work, whats the point.
I'm having one cider to calm me down a bit. I have no ant anxiety meds except propanolol, which don't d9 much.
Thanks for the connection...
I will check in more
Xx
I was put on vortioxetine at the tail end of last year and, while it helped my mood, it made me really, really anxious. My psychiatrist told me that was a common side effect but encouraged me to stay on it. It took a while, but the anxiety did eventually pass
Thanks for the top Paula, I just cannot tolerate it anymore its had a negative effect on both mood and anxiety in all honesty. I have Venlafaxine on hand but I had a bad anxiety episode on 150mg of that in June, hence the change.
Xx
I’ve merged your posts, love. Please try not to double post.
Which dr will you be seeing next week?
Please be really careful about swapping meds as quickly as you have been - yes I know it feels like a long time. But most anti ds take at least 4 weeks to get into your system. Then every change - upping or dropping - takes around the same time to have an impact. So although you've been on them for what feels like a long time, you actually haven't been able to give them a decent time for each change to have an effect..
Also, please, please, please don't change any more meds until you are able to speak everything through with your Dr...
Mattypompy
12-09-22, 06:37 PM
I’ve merged your posts, love. Please try not to double post.
Which dr will you be seeing next week?
I forgot the 10 min rule, is that the double post rule? Just for clarification thats what you mean Paula?
I'm seeing, after 5 month wait, an NHS Psychiatrist. I need to to get the referral for rTMS and other things.
My anxiety was totally unbelievable last night for about 5 hrs. I couldn't even concentrate on a single thought, it was like I had brain damage.
It then subsided somewhat after I took 5mg vortioxetine, perhaps it was a withdrawal side effect.
Thanks hun..
What about support lines? CALM? Samaritans? Etc?
Mattypompy
12-09-22, 07:53 PM
What about support lines? CALM? Samaritans? Etc?
Ive been using the Samaritans (Still not open fir f2f) SHOUT, had a convo with nice sister. Also been reading CALM site.
I also have 2 24/7 MH lines, one NHS, one private.
Thanks hun
(bear)
Mattypompy
12-09-22, 08:26 PM
Please be really careful about swapping meds as quickly as you have been - yes I know it feels like a long time. But most anti ds take at least 4 weeks to get into your system. Then every change - upping or dropping - takes around the same time to have an impact. So although you've been on them for what feels like a long time, you actually haven't been able to give them a decent time for each change to have an effect..
Also, please, please, please don't change any more meds until you are able to speak everything through with your Dr...
Hey Suzi,
Thanks for the sage input. I hear what you're saying.
I've probably been on near 14 different antidepressants over the last near on 30 years. A lot have little to no efficacy but this Vortioxetine has been the least effective and had the worst side effects I've ever experienced with possible exception to Seroxat.
I've even had serotonin syndrome twice, not fun. Ive been on the therapeutic dose for 6 weeks now tapering slowly. I simply cannot tolerate the side effects. It has a long, 66 hr, half life so should be reasonable to get off it.
Im thinking of going back on escitalopram or even duloxetine or fluoxetine but will consult with the Dr next Monday.
Anyone had the brain zap side effect coming off them? How pleasant(sweat)
Thanks once more
Xx
I've had brain zaps with other medication, I agree not fun...
Is this the psych next week? Maybe go with an open mind and a timeline of what you've had and when with side effects - both positive and negative...
Mattypompy
15-09-22, 08:02 PM
I've had brain zaps with other medication, I agree not fun...
Is this the psych next week? Maybe go with an open mind and a timeline of what you've had and when with side effects - both positive and negative...
Hiya, thanks for the input as ever!
Yes, seeing the Psych on Monday. Of course ill go in with an open mind, really just need a med review and a referral for rTMS. I'm also beginning to think I may have an undigan9se personality disorder I will talk to him about.
I had a nose surgery yesterday and was so super anxious I nearly didn’t go through with it. Not anxious about the surgery particularly, just this flare up of generalised anxiety. I'm truly hoping it's a paradoxical effect of the Vortioxetine. There are expensive genetic tests one can have that determines what may be effective for an individual instead of going through the merry go round of trial and error. Im half tempted to take a loan to pay for it. You can only really get through 4 meds a year and asses them max, and if they're all duff you've potentially suffered for a year needlessly.
Done tons of mindfulness online meditations as well. I'm convinced it's a brain chemical/neuropathophysiological pathway issue.
Thanks
Love always
Sweetheart, can I ask why you are sure that you want alternative options like the rTMS, when it'll be the first time you meet them? What kind of personality disorder do you feel you have? Where have you got this thought from?
What was the nose surgery? Are you OK?
Genetic testing is expensive, and not always that accurate, could it not be more pertinent to go and speak to your consultant first?
My cousin was diagnosed 2 years ago with bowel cancer, with secondaries on his liver and elsewhere. He was given 2 years max. He had genetic testing and he was told he definitely had something called Lynch Syndrome, it was genetic and there was a 50% chance each of his 4 kids could have inherited it - and that the whole family would have to be tested. Cue massive breakdown throughout all of my family. Anyway, he was tested again and he doesn’t have Lynch Syndrome. Genetic testing is not foolproof, love. Oh, and he has received cutting edge treatment, and is in remission. Sometimes, the try it and see is truly the only and best option.
Mattypompy
16-09-22, 07:15 PM
Sweetheart, can I ask why you are sure that you want alternative options like the rTMS, when it'll be the first time you meet them? What kind of personality disorder do you feel you have? Where have you got this thought from?
What was the nose surgery? Are you OK?
Genetic testing is expensive, and not always that accurate, could it not be more pertinent to go and speak to your consultant first?
Hi Auzi,
Thanks for the sage input as ever.
I saw a private NHS consultant in February/March. He's an advocate of alternative treatments. Some people are pretty resistant to meds and psychotherapy. He had an rTMS machine in his office, demonstrated it to me and said it has about 60% success rate fir improvement. Even used it on my arm muscles. It's about £2k privately but is little known on the NHS, he recommended it to my NHS Dr who I'll see on Monday. Technology is approved by NICE and about 35 years old.
As you know when one is desperate one will try anything. Better than ECT for sure. He slso recommended the pharmacogenetics test. Not available on NHS but about £2k. It analyses metabolic features of an individual vs certain med pharmacodynamics.
Thanks, yes fine from the nose surgery. I have bad sleep apnoea and can't use cpap. That can also cause depression. One more surgery on tonsils/tongue to go. Thanks for asking.
Just a bit stuffy but airway seems greatly improved.
Peace and love.
Xx
Mattypompy
16-09-22, 07:46 PM
My cousin was diagnosed 2 years ago with bowel cancer, with secondaries on his liver and elsewhere. He was given 2 years max. He had genetic testing and he was told he definitely had something called Lynch Syndrome, it was genetic and there was a 50% chance each of his 4 kids could have inherited it - and that the whole family would have to be tested. Cue massive breakdown throughout all of my family. Anyway, he was tested again and he doesn’t have Lynch Syndrome. Genetic testing is not foolproof, love. Oh, and he has received cutting edge treatment, and is in remission. Sometimes, the try it and see is truly the only and best option.
Thanks for the input. What a trauma. So glad he didn’t have what they thought he did have. It's true genetic testing is an emerging diagnostic methodology. I'ts 100% accurate for some things, luke hemophillia, other conditions are far more complex with multi genes.
Glad he got a negative.
Xx
Mattypompy
16-09-22, 09:21 PM
Sweetheart, can I ask why you are sure that you want alternative options like the rTMS, when it'll be the first time you meet them? What kind of personality disorder do you feel you have? Where have you got this thought from?
What was the nose surgery? Are you OK?
Genetic testing is expensive, and not always that accurate, could it not be more pertinent to go and speak to your consultant first?
Apologies Suzi, let me try again!
Small font on small screen and fat fingers!
A private and NHS consultant. I saw him privately.
The personality disorder I'm thinky pf is Avoidant Personality Disorder. As you know, most people with PDs aren't aware of it, but I came across the symptoms while reading about those issues and it describes me to a tee. Of course, I'm no expert but will mention it on Monday. Most people ate in denial or never realise they have a PD and treatment is limited from what I've read but understanding what may be pertinent to oneself may provide some reasoning. I'm not jumping the gun though, just a thought..
I think you've done lots of research, maybe go with a list of things you want to talk about and see what they say.
So is this a completely different psych?
Mattypompy
19-09-22, 10:27 PM
I think you've done lots of research, maybe go with a list of things you want to talk about and see what they say.
So is this a completely different psych?
Hi,
Yes, this is a new Paych.
I was supposed to see him today after a 5 month wait. I got to the clinic and no-one was there. It was shut, I assume for the Queen's funeral. No-one informed me or rang me. I'm pretty miffed about that. I changed quite a few plans to attend it.
I'm now completely off my vortioxetine, only have some emergency diazepam. My anxiety is coming in waves. I was ok for a few hrs today, no It's high again.I feel crap.
Here's a link to reviews for th rTMS
https://uk.trustpilot.com/review/www.rtmscentre.co.uk?page=2
A link to the genetic testing.
https://genesight.com/
I hope everyone is ok.
Love
Im sorry you didn’t have your appointment. Hunni, my concern is that you don’t seem to give any AD sufficient time to really help you before you’re moving on to another. AD’s are not a quick fix - in fact quick fixes in mental ill health are like hen’s teeth. If the psych is unwilling to refer you for this treatment, would you be prepared to accept their opinion?
I am aware of rTMS and genetic testing.. I'm just concerned that you're posting all of your hope on this.
Are you changing meds under your GP/care team advice and supervision?
Mattypompy
20-09-22, 10:19 AM
Im sorry you didnÂ’t have your appointment. Hunni, my concern is that you donÂ’t seem to give any AD sufficient time to really help you before youÂ’re moving on to another. ADÂ’s are not a quick fix - in fact quick fixes in mental ill health are like henÂ’s teeth. If the psych is unwilling to refer you for this treatment, would you be prepared to accept their opinion?
Hey Suzi.
Thanks for the response.
I've been on and off ADs for nearly 30 years. I tried Vortioxetine for 3 months. It was simply intolerable anymore as it made me so anxious and low that I was on the verge of going to A&E multiple times, or worse. I feel better for not being on it. There was zero point subjecting myself to suffering for no reason. It seems to have been an adverse drug reaction.
The two I had before that were Venlafaxine 14 months and escitalopram 18 months. I think youÂ’ll agree thats a reasonable time frame for therapy?
I saw the orivate consultant Psychiatrist for few hours in the spring. It was his suggestion to try rTMS via the NHS, and has written a referral letter for me, and change meds if the Venlafaxine became ineffective.
I had a pretty bad breakdown in June that prompted me to swap.
I can't believe the NHS didn't even tell me the appointment I've waited 5 months for was cancelled, must grumble...
Peace(bear)
I am aware of rTMS and genetic testing.. I'm just concerned that you're posting all of your hope on this.
Are you changing meds under your GP/care team advice and supervision?
Oops, apologies. I meant the previous pist should be addressed to Paula! Bit longsighted nowadays.
I'm trying to temper my hope on those two things but they were suggested by the Consultant. And if other things don't work then one should be one mimded, don't you think? I've found a pharmacogenetics company that charges £200 in consultation with a Dr aporoving.
As I didn't see the Psych yesterday, I'm talking to a GP later as there's no telling how long I'll have to wait for the postponed appointment.
I'm doing everything else I can think of, being healthy, diet and exercise, cbt, mindfulness, charity support, trying to sort out my sleep apnea
Call the hospital and speak to the secretary to the consultant and ask about the new appointment date?
Mattypompy
20-09-22, 09:34 PM
Call the hospital and speak to the secretary to the consultant and ask about the new appointment date?
Hey Suzi,
I actually emailed my nurse today and she's very efficient. She got onto the admin team and they're going to chase up a new appointment. I do feel a bit calmer coming off the Vortioxetine, I'm hoping I had a paradoxical side effect.
My GP has issued an escitalopram script so It's there in the interim before my rescheduled appointment.
One of the worse aspects I have with the thinking feeling relationship, is my internal dialogue/self talk is always so negative, hypercritical and catastrophising. Of course that's a symptom, or cause of depression but it can be so incessant and it lies to you. It can be so biased and judgemental I despise it.
A lot is unconscious but I'm trying to challange it consciously with CBT techniques. Starting to waffle a bit
Have a fab evening..(y)
How long have you been off the vort? Why are you taking escitalopram? I thought you said you'd tried it and it hadn't been of benefit? But that might be me getting muddled up...
Can you try stopping yourself when you are having a negative thought? I know it's hard, and definitely needs practicing, but it's really important.
Mattypompy
20-09-22, 10:19 PM
How long have you been off the vort? Why are you taking escitalopram? I thought you said you'd tried it and it hadn't been of benefit? But that might be me getting muddled up...
Can you try stopping yourself when you are having a negative thought? I know it's hard, and definitely needs practicing, but it's really important.
Hey,
Last dose of 5mg Vort was a week ago. I took Escitalopram for over a year up to 18 months ago. I cannot remember why exactly I came off it but it didn't have any side effects and I was on it for a considerable time, that's why I suggested it to the GP.
Yes I'm trying really hard to intercede those thoughts with some balanced reasoning and unbiased critique. It is hard but I'm trying to be disciplined. That's one of the worst aspects of generalised anxiety for me, the racing negative self talk. I've just done a cbt course on this and am trying to put into practice the mantras.
May I ask, how do you deal with negative self talk or just hypothetically how would you manage it. I don't want to pry too much!
On another note, I must be dopey or something. Can you explain the double posting cause as I'm not sure how I'm doing it.
Do I just have to wait 10 mins between posts, as I thought I did last time or/and not reply to two individual posts with quotes in quick succession?
You have explained before but I've forgotten!
Thanks xx(bear)
Exactly that, we ask that you don’t post twice within 10 minutes so, if something comes up, you’ll need to either wait or get your post edited.if you want to reply to 2 quotes at the same time, you can put them in the same post by marking both quotes with the square speech bubble thing on the bottom right of the post, and ‘replying with quote’ as you would normally
As to dealing with negative thoughts, the best way I’ve found to deal with them is to tell someone about them, and be willing to talk over why I shouldn’t be listening to them
Paula's explained perfectly re the double posting!
For me when I hear my negative monologue I actually say to myself "STOP" and then I work on my mindfulness breathing focussing on the here, the now and being present. That seems to act like a reset button for my internal thoughts as all I'm focussing on is this one breath, that's all I'm thinking about - everything else is background and shut out...
I did an explanation of the way I do mindful breathing in a different post, which might help...
http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?21503-How-are-you
Mattypompy
21-09-22, 09:38 PM
Paula's explained perfectly re the double posting!
For me when I hear my negative monologue I actually say to myself "STOP" and then I work on my mindfulness breathing focussing on the here, the now and being present. That seems to act like a reset button for my internal thoughts as all I'm focussing on is this one breath, that's all I'm thinking about - everything else is background and shut out...
I did an explanation of the way I do mindful breathing in a different post, which might help...
http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?21503-How-are-you
Thanks ladies for the double quote tutorial(nod)
Good news today, my rescheduled psych appointment is Friday afternoon. The Trust admin staff were very apologetic on the phone, so alls well that ends well.
GP signed for for my pharmacogenetics test, so well see how it pans out. Hopefully escitalopram is on the ok list.
Such a beautiful day here today down at the Sussex coast, truly glorious which was a bonus for the 1st day of Autumn, actually got a bit of sunburn.
Also attended a gardening volunteering project tgat was 9n my to do list that I was anxious about, went quite well.
Yes, the internal dialogue, especially when aocially isolated as I sm, can be really difficult to deal with in throes of anxiety/depression when it cascades down, and essentially lies to you. It's interesting, what actually is the origin of it? Of course we all have a thought stream but it's almost like there's two personalities going on. I think that it's the interface between super ego and id, if you believe Freudian theory. Are some people more aware of theirs than others? It actually dominates a lot of my human condition, but is far worse when unwell and totally introspective.
Thank you for the link and coping mechanisms you mentioned. I am a big one on the breathing exercises, and have here to bounce off thoughts. Shouting STOP, is a good one, or that's a LIE is another idea.
Thank you wonderful selfless people.(bear)
Xx
Wow, that's fab getting that appointment rescheduled so fast! And the pharmacogenetics test, I didn't know that was OK'd on the NHS, but good news for you!
Well done for the gardening too!
Mattypompy
25-09-22, 09:52 PM
Wow, that's fab getting that appointment rescheduled so fast! And the pharmacogenetics test, I didn't know that was OK'd on the NHS, but good news for you!
Well done for the gardening too!
Thanks Boss Lady. Yes, Wednesday was quite a productive day for me.
I went to the appointment and there were two Drs there. They were okay and took a history but they were junior Drs and I have to see their boss to get treatment, I don’t know when that'll be.
I'm tempted to call the assessment service tomorrow, they suggested I could, as I really need treatment, I'm suffering. I have just started the escitalopram.
I really need help. I'm in the midst of an extreme anxiety attack right now and don't know what to do. I feel so alone and despondent.
Xx
if you have the option to get support, then call - the worst thing they can say is no...
Mattypompy
27-09-22, 11:26 PM
if you have the option to get support, then call - the worst thing they can say is no...
Just a quick one. Things got so bad Sunday, I went to A&E and was admitted to the psych ward for a while. Uncontrollable anxiety and acute depression. They gave me lorazepam and I talked to the 2 Drs today.He wants me on pregablin and diazepam with the escitalopram. Script was delayed.
Another acute episode now. I'm back in A&E.
Hope you're well.
Xx
Oh Matt, I'm sorry that things are so bad for you, but I'm really proud of you for doing what you need and getting some help. It's so important. Just know that we are here to listen if you want to talk.
(panda) have you been admitted or are you back home? Big hugs, lovely
Mattypompy
28-09-22, 11:09 AM
(panda) have you been admitted or are you back home? Big hugs, lovely
I stayed overnight in the mh assessment unit.
I'm here now. Waiting for meds then I don't know what will happen. Lots of 😢
Thanks for the love
I'm so proud of you for standing up and getting that help.
Strugglingmum
28-09-22, 02:49 PM
That is such a huge thing to realise you need help and to actually go seeking it out. Praying you get all the help and support you need
Mattypompy
02-10-22, 08:45 PM
How are you doing?
Thanks Paula and Suzi for all the kind wishes.
I was in the MH unit for 2 days and came out Thursday afternoon. It was a respite unit with quiet rooms. The anxiet is coming in waves but the pregablin has helped. Had some very dark thoughts. I have diazepam for breakthrough anxiety.
At the moment I'm at home and very low, tearful, feel incapable of looking after myself. I've just made a meal but have zero appetite. Only had a small bowl of porridge all day.
I feel so lonely and disconnected from people. My social anxiety disorder makes me push people away even though I'm longing for friends and a soul mate.
Thank you so much for showing care and concern.😢(bear)
What kind of support do you have in place? Crisis team?
Mattypompy
03-10-22, 09:08 PM
What kind of support do you have in place? Crisis team?
I just have a couple of phone numbers. One in office hours, one out of hours. I've had the crisis team before years ago when they come and visit you at home.
Also sister's via WhatsApp.
I'm becoming dysfunctional, not preparing food and small tasks are really difficult. My concentration is poor and I'm very low, tearful and very tense.
Mattypompy
03-10-22, 09:24 PM
That is such a huge thing to realise you need help and to actually go seeking it out. Praying you get all the help and support you need
Thank you for the kind words and wishes.(bear)
If you’re that low, love, call the crisis team. They wouldn’t have given you the numbers if they didn’t feel you needed the support. It’s what they’re there for
Hunni, you need more help than you are getting. Call the crisis team - if that means they come and talk to you at home or over the phone or anything then it has to be better than trying to deal with it all on your own...
Mattypompy
04-10-22, 09:55 PM
Hunni, you need more help than you are getting. Call the crisis team - if that means they come and talk to you at home or over the phone or anything then it has to be better than trying to deal with it all on your own...
Hiya.
Yes I will call them if I feel unable to cope. I'm taking each hour as it comes now.
Thank you.
Would you call the Samaritans? They’re not just there for emergency situations…
Matt, you deserve help and support. Use the ones you've been given love.
Mattypompy
05-10-22, 10:42 PM
Matt, you deserve help and support. Use the ones you've been given love.
Would you call the Samaritans? They’re not just there for emergency situations…
Yes Paula, I've called them before in January when I had another episode. She was very good. I'm in daily contact with their email service, Jo. I'm just a bit of a quiet guy and part of the Social Anxiety is avoiding phone calls.
I'll probably call later or go back to A&E. I just feel so alone and in an acute phase of clinical depression. Even when forcing myself out I had a tear in my eye and a girl noticed.
I cannot explain this illness, but it is diabolical. Two of my key symptoms are no appetite and poor concentration, I have exactly that now.
Thanks for being there, ladies.
Love and peace.
X
Hey love, did you get back to A+E? Did you get more support? What about calling the crisis numbers you've been given?
Are you eating and drinking OK? Do you have a friend who could help give you more support?
Mattypompy
09-10-22, 10:05 PM
Hey love, did you get back to A+E? Did you get more support? What about calling the crisis numbers you've been given?
Are you eating and drinking OK? Do you have a friend who could help give you more support?
Hey Suzi,
I didn’t go to A&E in the end, although I was very close to on Wednesday. I was also very close to calling the Samaritans or the local NHS MH line. The pregablin has tempered the anxiety a bit, but the depression is coming in waves, ie 4 /5 hr periods. I'm hoping that the increase to 20mg of Escitalopram will help soon.
The other thing I'm doing is catastrophising and obsessing. Evey interaction with people or slight error I make, with a chore or such, I have a wave of depression and self loathing.
I cycled out of the flat Friday to catch a train after speaking to the building inspector. I didn’t quite hear one sentence he said, I have a bit of tinnitus, I cycled off 100m had the intrusive thought of asking him what he said, I rode back and asked him, making an excuse I'd forgotten something, crazy.
I did go out on that day with my sister who I have issues with, long planned event. She was generally ok but kept criticising my texting typos and one other comment. But kind of kept to my boundaries. Alcohol was involved.
Yesterday I had an absolute breakdown in the afternoon, ruminating about what happened Friday. I was actually wailing and begging for help, it was awful.
I had a bit brighter afternoon today, but now feel low again.
I'm eating once a day, about now, and drinking tons of tea.
I cancelled a trip to Hamburg today. There's no way I can go if I'm vulnerable to another breakdown currently.
I don’t really have a friend to talk to at all. One I can think of I told and she gave some support but I didn't say everything. I have no male friends anymore.
Love
Xx
You really, really, really need to get some support. We can be here and listen, but it's not the same as being under the care of a MH team - which, from what you are saying, you desperately need. Please call your Dr tomorrow and tell them how bad things really are and get a referral for help - it is likely to take a while, but you really should be calling the crisis numbers you've been given too. At least then they will aware of how things genuinely are for you.
I agree. Why were you unable to call those crisis lines?
How are you love? Did you call the helplines? If you don't then they have no idea how hard things are for you.
Mattypompy
11-10-22, 11:39 PM
How are you love? Did you call the helplines? If you don't then they have no idea how hard things are for you.
Hiya,
Thanks for the replies.
I'm just about coping, even though I'm very low. Im forcing myself to go out and as mentioned eating once a day.
I am under thr MH team and I can call them 24/7 at two different numbers. Im beimg assigned a new lead practitioner.
I will do if I feel overwhelmed, or the Samaritans. I have been having dark thoughts and been teary. I just feel really isolated.
Thanks again.
Xx
How are you this morning?
Are you calling the CMHT? Telling them about your dark thoughts etc?
Mattypompy
19-10-22, 11:47 PM
Are you calling the CMHT? Telling them about your dark thoughts etc?
Hi Suzi,
No, I haven't told anyone about my dark thoughts, since the day I left the hospital on the 29th.
I'm teary now. I just feel so disconnected from other people as I've lived alone for 13 years now and not had a decent job in the same time.
My self esteem is so low, I don't believe I deserve to be in anyone's company, it's horrendous.
When I do interact with people I just catastrophise afterwards about what I should have said or done. Which of course re-enforces the inhibition to talk to people.
I have a constant sorrowful face, that people can clearly notice but it's just a genuine expression of my internal disposition. I also feel stupid and dumb with slow speed of thought and concentration.
I have my rTMS referral next month.
I hope you are all well.
Xx
Then please, please Contact CMHT. They’re there to support you, and help keep you safe. You can’t get the support you need if you don’t tell them how you’re doing!
Paula's right. You have to tell the CMHT. If you don't tell them then they won't know that you need an increase in help and support..
Mattypompy
22-10-22, 11:34 PM
Then please, please Contact CMHT. They’re there to support you, and help keep you safe. You can’t get the support you need if you don’t tell them how you’re doing!
Of course you're both right, I know. I will do if I'm overwhelmed.
I'm really suffering tonight. I'm so low and have tears streaming down my face, for no reason. I did drink last night, perhaps that has affected me.
I was congratulating myself for doing the first proper employed shift as a courier. I haven’t worked full time for 13 years.
I feel useless and barely able to look after myself. I'm not eating, don't want to go out or even look people in the eye.
I hear what you guys are saying.
Ivecontacted Mind to seek support and some counselling.
Thank you
Love and peace.
Xx
Alcohol is a depressant. When you are as unstable as your moods have been recently I really think avoiding it is best.
You NEED to contact your out of hours crisis service. As we have said to you previously, if you don't tell them that you are struggling then they won't know and won't be able to help you. You have to do this to help yourself. You are deserving of help and support.
i’m really suffering tonight. I'm so low and have tears streaming down my face, for no reason. I did drink last night, perhaps that has affected me.
I feel useless and barely able to look after myself. I'm not eating, don't want to go out or even look people in the eye.
I hear what you guys are saying.
I've contacted Mind to seek support and some counselling.
If you’re feeling like this, this is EXACTLY when you should be contacting the crisis team! Mind are great, but you need more immediate help than they can give. Plus, HOW ARE YOUR MEDICAL TEAM GOING TO KNOW HOW BAD IT IS UNTIL YOU TELL THEM!!! You say you hear what we’re saying but that’s not the same as listening.
However, huge well done for your courier work
Mattypompy
06-11-22, 10:39 PM
If you’re feeling like this, this is EXACTLY when you should be contacting the crisis team! Mind are great, but you need more immediate help than they can give. Plus, HOW ARE YOUR MEDICAL TEAM GOING TO KNOW HOW BAD IT IS UNTIL YOU TELL THEM!!! You say you hear what we’re saying but that’s not the same as listening.
However, huge well done for your courier work
Hi Ladies.
Just wanted to say a big thank you for the fabulous support you've given, for so long.
I'm still having huge difficulties with the mood in the mornings and can barely get out of bed. Just negative rumination that there's no point in waking or getting up.
The acute anxiety is largely under control, pregablin helped. I'm on about the 4th week of maximum dose of Escitalopram bow.
I did call the local CMHT, they call it ATS here and had a chat with them. A support worker is calling back tomorrow. I've also got a therapy assessment with a local charity on Wednesday, but tye waiting list is really long. As I'm in secondary care I'm unable to access the local NHS talking therapies apparently, I did try.
I've got the assessment for the TMS treatment in 3 weeks
Hopefully I can start that ASAP.
Thanks for the encouragement about the job Paula. I'm still doing it and will look for something better soon.
(bear)
So glad that you're still doing the positive the things you need to do - taking the meds, talking to the pro's near you. These are all brilliant.
Keep on talking to those you can lovely, it really does help.
Mattypompy
06-12-22, 12:13 AM
So glad that you're still doing the positive the things you need to do - taking the meds, talking to the pro's near you. These are all brilliant.
Keep on talking to those you can lovely, it really does help.
Thanks so much, again, for the kind encouragement Suzi. Mornings have been really difficult, but I'm trying my best.
I have the 1st TMS treatment on Wednesday.
I'm really sad and upset right now, very down.
It's my 50th birthday on Wednesday. I have 2 sisters, one a good relationship the other a toxic one.
The one I have a good relationship is keen to meet up and we intend to.
The other one who is generally abusive and a bully, I just asked to come.
There's no reason not to. She claims shes going.out drinking tomorrow and won't be fit, although, shes working to meet up. That's a ruse. No one is forcing her to get paralytic.
I made an effort in the freezing cold during covid to be the only one to come out for hers.
I can't believe who selfish she is.
It's really upset me and I have tears now.
Hunni, I hate to say this, but did you expect any different? Why did you feel you had to invite her - imho there’s lots of reasons not to?
I agree with Paula. This is just another way that she is controlling you. She knew it would upset you and so that's the option she has taken...
Hunni, if you post more when you ae going through things you might help to not feeling as bad as you are itms?
Mattypompy
05-01-23, 11:02 PM
I agree with Paula. This is just another way that she is controlling you. She knew it would upset you and so that's the option she has taken...
Hunni, if you post more when you ae going through things you might help to not feeling as bad as you are itms?
Hi Suzi and Paula,
Firstly, Happy New Year and I hope you are both well and healthy.
Of course you are right about her motivation for notwanting to meet up with me on my birthday. In the end it worked out well, I met my other sister in a posh pub in Brighton. Shared a bottle of wine and I had a few ciders.
Had a few reminisces and laughs.
I stayed at my older sisters for a few days after Christmas, which was fun. Then met up with the problematic sister in the same pub. Things were proceeding fine and then the others returned home and the controling sister asked me to stay for another drink.
She was very intoxicated and started being abusive, after assuring me she wouldn't, so I moved tables. She tried to continue and started talking nonsense, so I left. She then started WhatsApping abuse, so I blocked her for a few days.
After I unblocked her, she had blocked me! Utterly bizarre, an attempt at using the silent treatment for control. She is responding to emails though. It's like she's an adolescent school girl, but 52!
On a side note I've started rTMS treatment. Had 12 treatments in the last month, 13th tomorrow. It's alll quite strange but I've had some positive, fluctuating, results. A work in progress. .
I'm glad you had some good times over Christmas. Hunni, I wonder why you keep on meeting up/spending time with her when you know what's going to happen. I know it's hard to deal with this, but sometimes it's better to cut ties and move on....
How many times a week are you meant to be having? Are you doing it at home or going to a clinic?
Sometime, when you’ve gone through the whole process, as talking about it as you're doing it might be a touch stressful for some, it would be great if you could perhaps write something explaining what the treatment involves and what it achieves for other members?
Mattypompy
06-01-23, 08:09 PM
I agree with Paula. This is just another way that she is controlling you. She knew it would upset you and so that's the option she has taken...
Hunni, if you post more when you ae going through things you might help to not feeling as bad as you are itms?
Hi Suzi and Paula,
Firstly, Happy New Year and I hope you are both well and healthy.
Of course you are right about her motivation for notwanting to meet up with me on my birthday. In the end it worked out well, I met my other sister in a posh pub in Brighton. Shared a bottle of wine and I had a few ciders.
Had a few reminisces and laughs.
I stayed at my older sisters for a few days after Christmas, which was fun. Then met up with the problematic sister in the same pub. Things were proceeding fine and then the others returned home and the controling sister asked me to stay for another drink.
She was very intoxicated and started being abusive, after assuring me she wouldn't, so I moved tables. She tried to continue and started talking nonsense, so I left. She then started WhatsApping abuse, so I blocked her for a few days.
After I unblocked her, she had blocked me! Utterly bizarre, an attempt at using the silent treatment for control. She is responding to emails though. It's like she's an adolescent school girl, but 52!
On a side note I've started rTMS treatment. Had 12 treatments in the last month, 13th tomorrow. It's alll quite strange but I've had some positive, fluctuating, results. A work in progress. .
Hi Suzi and Paula,
Firstly, Happy New Year and I hope you are both well and healthy.
Of course you are right about her motivation for notwanting to meet up with me on my birthday. In the end it worked out well, I met my other sister in a posh pub in Brighton. Shared a bottle of wine and I had a few ciders.
Had a few reminisces and laughs.
I stayed at my older sisters for a few days after Christmas, which was fun. Then met up with the problematic sister in the same pub. Things were proceeding fine and then the others returned home and the controling sister asked me to stay for another drink.
She was very intoxicated and started being abusive, after assuring me she wouldn't, so I moved tables. She tried to continue and started talking nonsense, so I left. She then started WhatsApping abuse, so I blocked her for a few days.
After I unblocked her, she had blocked me! Utterly bizarre, an attempt at using the silent treatment for control. She is responding to emails though. It's like she's an adolescent school girl, but 52!
On a side note I've started rTMS treatment. Had 12 treatments in the last month, 13th tomorrow. It's alll quite strange but I've had some positive, fluctuating, results. A work in progress. .
Hi, don't know if you realise that you've posted the same post twice ;) Easy done ;)
Mattypompy
14-01-23, 07:19 PM
Oops sorry. I posted again! Please delete if you can. I'm using a small phone screen and my post was still in the text window seemingly waiting to be submitted, didn't see previous comment about double post!
My close vision is a bit rubbish too. My bad�� Doh:o
Yes, I can give an overview of the treatment in another post. Fingers are freezing cold atm!
I hope everyone is well...
Thanks!
Have you got your eyesight sorted?
Mattypompy
15-01-23, 03:24 PM
Thanks!
Have you got your eyesight sorted?
(rofl) I do have some glasses for presbyopia but they always seem to not be readily available. Plus I was out when I did the triple post, duh! I'm getting to that age and am about a +2 prescription so smart phone web pages can sometimes be a challange!
I'll definitely compose a brief overview of the rTMS treatment later today.
Xx
Mattypompy
15-01-23, 07:56 PM
Hi everyone.
I just thought I'd put together a brief synopsis of my subjective experience of the rTMS treatment, I'm currently undertaking. Repetitive transcranial stimulation.
So the background to my interest in having this novel treatment is essentially chronic long term depression over the decades, which has either only mildly or not benefitted from treatment. That is medication and Psychotherapy.
In desperation I saw a private Psychiatrist last Spring and after a couple of sessions he mentioned this therapy in his clinic, but it was beyond my financial ability. He demonstrated it to me briefly in his clinic. I had vaguely heard 9f it.
So essentially it is NICE approved as a treatment for people with long term treatment resistant depression after trying various antidepressants.
The scientific supported theory behind it is, as far as I'm familiar with, is that a magnetic field at certain frequencies is directed to the pre-frontal cortex on the right or left side of the brain. This either dampens or stimulates certain synaptic pathways implicated in depression, anxiety, OCD or addictions.
Over a number of treatments, usually between 20-30, approximately 50% of people find some remission or total remission.
Anyway I went onto the NHS waiting list for secondary care and eventually had a telephone assessment and then a face to face one with a Dr.
The day I had the 2nd one was my birthday last month, and the day I started treatment at the local psychiatric hospital.
I've had 16 treatments so far. The first session I had to have baseline readings assessed and calibrated on the machine.
It's essentially a dentist's comfy chair with a vacuum pillow. A skull cap is used and fitted to the head and anatomical diagrams and markings are made, to locate the correct part of the brain.
This is worn every session. The actual magnetic field is delivered by an electrode pad device on a mechanical arm behind the chair.
After having obs taken, I have two treatments, one for depression, one for GAD. So I sit in the chair and two nurses hook me up and position the pad on my head. I have about a 8 min treatment for anxiety and a 'theta' 3 min one for depression on the left side of my brain.
The sensation is like a gentle tapping on the skull for the anxiety one and is very tolerable. The theta burst is more powerful but quicker. It feels like a hard pinch/prod at a fast rate amd can be uncomfortable at first. Either treatment can induce mild ticks.
So that's it. As far as results go it's early days but it hasn't worked miracles so far.
However, I can say my anxiety has been much more stable and blunted than a month and certainly 2 months ago. I feel more phlegmatic and at peace for my GAD but not Social Anxiety.
As far as the mood goes there have been periods of up to 4 hours, after treatment, when I felt my mood and spirit lifted. I can only describe it as existing only in the moment, no negative rumination and like an afterglow of euphoria.
I know I've droned on a lot! If anyone has any questions or anything please ask.
I'll update in a few weeks.
Peace and love.
Xx
Mattypompy
15-01-23, 09:16 PM
Thank you, lovely
So welcome...
Xx(panda)
That's a really helpful users guide. Thank you so much!
Mattypompy
16-01-23, 12:04 AM
That's a really helpful users guide. Thank you so much!
No worries Boss Lady, anything to help and if more information is required, I'm here!
Mattypompy
19-02-23, 07:06 PM
No problem! Everyone is different but I have benefitted immensely from it. I'm coming towards the end of treatment and having a review with the Dr tomorrow.
After feeling so well for the last month I had a crisis breakdown today.
Multiple stressors in a short space of time and I just went to pieces, sobbing uncontrollably for 10 mins.
I've just taken my emergency diazepam and am a bit calmer.
(panda) unfortunately, there’s always a risk of that happening. However, you managed it and got through. Well done, love
Mattypompy
19-02-23, 09:52 PM
(panda) unfortunately, there’s always a risk of that happening. However, you managed it and got through. Well done, love
Thanks Paula. Four things happened to me in 48 hours, one was I lost something and am catastrophising about my attention problems, I've drunk some alcohol Fri/Sat often have downers after that, someone seemingly is not responding to me via messaging and finally my abusive sister has been nasty again.
Feel crap and worthless. May do some mindfulness.
(bear) xx
Hi love, why have you been talking to your sister? How much had you had to drink?
Want to talk about why you were feeling crap and worthless? Did the mindfulness help?
Morning, love, how are you?
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