View Full Version : My New Reality
For the last 2 years...the things have not got easier, my mental issues remain and I am still struggling with depression and anxiety moods. Covid restrictions have certainly had a huge impact.
But I would say, I have become more realist, although a bit pessimist in a way.
Are you still seeing your therapist? What about medication?
Covid has impacted many worldwide, I hope that this eases for you (panda)
I haven't seen therapist for a while, she was on holiday and then I haven't applied again yet.
It seems like I will not go anywhere I would like to this year, but hopefully next one will be better.
Why haven't you applied again for the counselling lovely? I know you said that you were finding it really helpful...
It is a bit disorganized here. But I think I will apply soon for private counselling.
That man from Paris contacted me again. But this time I have not had any emotions.
And he accidentally showed his not so good side. At a moment of discussion, he said a cup of coffee dropped on him and how horrible that he, such a man, will have to go in dirty clothes in public transport. Then he wrote that in the end, it is so good he has a girlfriend madly in love with him at home who does everything about the house and she will wash it.
Jaquaia
09-09-21, 07:37 PM
Well he sounds like an utter arse! You've had a lucky escape! You are lovely and deserve someone who will love and appreciate you for the wonderful person you are!
Sorry for my language, but he's an absolute a*sehole! You really should block him! You are worth so much more than him.
Why did he get in touch when he’s got a girlfriend? Hunni, you’re well rid of him!
I have only now realized how wrong he is for me. Everybody liked him because he looked so handsome and charming. Unfortunately, that is just a cover and now I look on someone's inner spiritual features first.
Good for you! I'm so glad you've not been taken by him. Have you blocked him yet?
I had done in teh past, then he messaged me again from new account. I should have just been wise enough not to reply, but done now.
That's OK, block him now ;)
Actually, something happened and touched me so deeply.
Jaquaia
12-09-21, 03:44 PM
Want to talk about it?
My best local friend confessed me that she had suffered from depression too and felt guilty, actually stopped eating and felt exhausted in the first year of studies at the University.
Then she changed the Faculty and everything went fine.
My heart aches for her. She is such a kind person.
Sweetheart, 1 in 3 people will experience mental ill health in their lifetime. We (as in every society) just need to talk more about it to break the stigma...
Yes, but here it is mostly perceived by people in wrong way.
We can openly talk about our mental struggles.
She has tried to find a refuge in religion, but she told me these days:" At least, you haven't tried to stop me, because my mom sometimes tells me just to shut up when I start talking about God and Bible."
It's great that she has you to talk to lovely.
It’s important that you’re not alienating her so she knows she can trust you. Well done, lovely
I have had so weird experience these days.
So my online ex (from Paris) messaged me these days asking to talk on video with me.
It is more than a year since our last video. I agreed from curiosity or don't know why.
But I wanted to ask if my reaction is normal.
This time I haven't felt anything for him, I mean, well, I noticed he looks good. But I perceived him as a stranger without any past emotions.
He instead was rather vivid, of course not really caring for me, anyway he had emotions towards me and not me for him.
Maybe my heart aches more for the other guy.
In the end of our discussion, he made a bad comment about the colour of my cat.
Stella180
25-09-21, 10:01 PM
The colour of your cat? Ok forget that, the guy is an idiot and although you shouldn’t have agreed to the video chat I’m glad you did cos he has yet again proven what a worthless waste of space he really is. This is the end. The closure you need. You have no feeling anymore for this loser and are so much better off. Block him and move on
Couldn’t have said it better myself ;)
Now I will restart soon my CBT sessions, also I have fixed an appointment with the doctor.
On the other hand, must gradually increase my dosage of Metformin up to 2000 mg per day. But if I need this, than it is important, and I know it. Just having certain fears.
Jaquaia
26-09-21, 05:35 PM
I'm on that dosage and had no issues. In fact, the increase to 2000mg has allowed me to lose a significant amount of weight!
Yes, thank you indeed, the weight has been basically the same for last year, but the doctor said we should increase due to risk of diabetes. The diet is basically based on avoiding sweets and it is low carb.
Don't panic about the increase lovely...
I'm on that dosage and had no issues. In fact, the increase to 2000mg has allowed me to lose a significant amount of weight!
Have you been on a specific diet?
Jaquaia
28-09-21, 07:47 AM
No, just healthier choices of food and sensible portion choices
No, just healthier choices of food and sensible portion choices
Then I wonder why they consider in my case something more strict. But maybe the doctor knows better...
Stella180
28-09-21, 12:30 PM
I’d say the doctor probably does know better. What works for one person may not work for another. If you’re not losing weight doing what you’re doing something needs to change. I’d also like to add that Jaq has also been a lot more active over that period too which will help with weight reduction.
What kind of thing is your Dr suggesting?
The doctor suggests a rather low carb diet, in a way similar to keto.
I've had friends follow that and lose lots of weight.
But the doctor said in my case the stress could have had a major impact too. So I have suceeded to an extent, but I must work more on this.
My best friend's pastor tells the members of the church how to avoid or diminish the stressv evel, especially in unpleasant interactions and pressure:" Imagine that you are being a grave." But that is so hard really.
As for my interaction with the person on video... It is so weird but while I was looking into his handsome face, I thought how much I am missing the other guy, whose nose is in fact quite sharp, although he is cute in his way (my weird sense of humour!), but who treated me better than everybody else and in whom I thought I had found my soulmate. Although I realize there is nothing now, but I would want one day someone with not lower attitude than the other guy, so attentive and intelligent, and as for now there is nobody else like him in my life.
But I don't want to idealize anybody, so I have just decided to focus on my well-being now.
Hunni, you will find the right person for you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and not treated in such a disgusting way!
The problem is that I can say I am less emotionally depending from someone now than back.
And while these men felt really themselves with me and I boosted their confidence, they I think took advantage of my emotional fragility and spat into everything I believed.
Hi, I need your opinion on something worrying me.
In my thirties, I have often noticed that there are nice men who might like me, but a part of them are divorced and with children. In my country, it is not the best attitude towards couples single-divorced with child (ren).
The idea is that we would never be able to have this very first thrill together, especially if the wife was guilty applying for divorce/dumped him, that this person will be forever attached to first spouse (if there was a kind of love) and that any child is a kind of past luggage destroying current happiness.
That is about the case when a single woman marries a divorced man with child. The best advice ever seems to cut everything, especially supposing that the dumped one might be depressed after divorce.
I don't know, these seem very harsh prejudices.
And what if a divorced man (around 8 months ago) has been nice to me and likes me? If this brings me joy, I shouldn't deny this communication, I think.
Stella180
23-10-21, 06:46 PM
Ok I’m definitely the right person to answer this question lol
Realistically the likelihood of meeting someone in your 30s or 40s who doesn’t have history of children or former partners is slim to non. If you do ask yourself who nobody wanted them. There’s usually a good reason. Relationships break down for many reasons and it’s unfair to expect then to remain single for the rest of their lives.
My advice would be make sure they are completely unattached. Separated but still married? That can get messy so be warned. Divorced? That’s ok so long as they aren’t still hung up over the ex. Have custody/access to children? Those children should always come first in his life. You should be a close second.
Regardless of his previous relationship status any man you are with should treat you with respect. That is no less than any woman deserves.
Thank you, Stella. He seems to be a good man. But he is a bit disorientated yet, I think.
The beginning is not bad and he hasn't promised nothing but romantic friendship so far.
Stella180
23-10-21, 08:14 PM
I’m sorry, romantic friendship? What exactly does that mean?
He told me he wants to, but he is not completely ready for a serious relationship.
"Don't worry. We are currently together as good romantic friends. I hope will remain good friends anyway or pass to next stages of relationship. I don't know about the future now, but don't worry about my attitude, it will remain good anyway and you are my type."
Sweetheart I have to say that some of what you are told really is total rubbish! Because someone's been in past relationships of course they have "baggage" but then so do people who haven't been in a relationship too....
Is this guy somewhere near you?
No.
But there is another one near me, divorced but with 2 children.
Sweetheart you need to try to find people who are nearer you. You have to remember that they could be just anyone behind the screen.....
That is true, but meetings mostly divorced men has become a new reality.
Stella180
23-10-21, 09:47 PM
Selena, why are you worried about them being divorced? There are many reasons for a marriage to breakdown and it’s not always a black mark against someone’s character.
Probably because of my dad with his indiffence and irresponsibility, 2 divorces and abandoned children.
But I know that it is not right to judge.
Hunni, I am divorced from Katie’s dad. I started seeing Si when Katie was a year old, and he moved in 6 months later. We had Jess and got married. We’ve been married 20 mostly happy years. Oh, and to make things more challenging, I met Si originally because he’s my ex’s best friend.
Was it tough at times? Of course it was. Did I have to put katie first sometimes, again of course. Were there sometimes friction between Si and my ex. Never. Because we are adults, in the real world and have always worked together as (when he remarried) 2 couples wanting to do the right thing by our daughter. And that should always be the priority when any relationship involving children is concerned
Paula, I know that you are right and my dear mother was the same - a divorced woman with a child (with me). But I am not talking about normal divorced women with a child. It is about divorced men - I was told they can occasionally sleep with their ex wives or these ex (not all!) can use manipulation against the new woman or manipulation through children.
I don't know.
I want your general opinion.
If you have a choice, either dating a divorced man with a child or a man much younger than you (9-14), who would you choose?
Let's say, the last one can leave too, but he has no previous connections and engagements. What is your opinion?
Jaquaia
24-10-21, 08:41 PM
James is separated. He has 2 children. His estranged wife was horrible to him. She belittled him, verbally, mentally and physically abused him, and has used signing the divorce papers as an attempt to regain the control she lost when she realised he didn't want to fix things between them. It hasn't worked as he's waiting until the divorce laws change and she no longer has a choice. She has tried to use the children to control him but it hasn't worked as he immediately went to a solicitor for advice. I'm sure some divorced men do sleep with their ex wives, but I bet they're in a minority. James can't stand his ex, he stayed because he was scared of her and scared of not seeing his children. Meeting me again made him realise that how he was being treated at home wasn't normal. Divorced men can have trauma in their past. Or they can be like a friend of mine, who realised they were better off as friends. He helps his ex raise their son and helps look after the children she has with her fiancé when they need childcare. They're best friends but nothing more.
Things should be judged on individual merits, not on sweeping generalisations.
I think Jaq's right. This isn't a case where one thing covers everyone. I know people who have divorced for lots of different reasons, I know where people have broken up for other reasons. One of my friends broke up with her long term partner (of around 18 years) and he still sees both his children and helps provide for them. Another one who is currently divorcing him and he hasn't even called the children since he left...
Both men and women cheat - it doesn't mean that it's going to happen because they are divorced. Whether they cheat has nothing to do with that.
I do worry about some of the generalisations you have had installed in you....
You need to meet someone and fall in love because they are the right person for you. It doesn't matter if they are male/female/non binary or white/dark/blue or Christian/Hindu/Pastafarian What is important is that they treat you with love, honour and respect. That's what matters....
I know and the stereotypes that had been around me since my early age definitely still affect me.
I can understand that, but love you have to see that they are wrong and make your own life choices. For example I grew up in a very racist and homophobic household.
I could have followed in these ways, but I didn't. I know that the colour of your skin doesn't define someone and that love is love and as long as it's consensual then that's all good - helpful, because growing up "not straight" in that kind of house was really tough...
Make your choices lovely, base them on what you know, not what ghosts are telling you.
I am feeling a bit upset.
I have booked this Sunday a flight to Paris, feeling happy that finally I can visit it.
This evening my dad has called me, he seemed upset, his voice was trembling. He said his mother is probably dying and it is probably his destiny to remain alone (and he is in his late sixties!), but still he does not want to remain alone. I told him we can always talk and I can visit him next year.
My religious friend told me I must change my flight and going there for him. And he can feel lost or start drinking...Well, maybe she is a good Christian and it is her point.
I am feeling somehow triggered and troubled, I am feeling sorry for him, but I got used to living alone...I mean maybe one day the right man will come into my life, but I am satisfied with my current situation. I don't know, maybe I am not right, but he was not either when he wanted me to mortgage my flat and leave everything behind.
He told it is hard for him to see her living her last days, her weakness, her wounds at her age of 93.
Well, the death topic triggers me a lot, I become extremely anxious. And then I told him yes, it is true, but he also must think where my heart had been when my mum died in front of me and the other dear persons from my family. He said yes, he can get it, but he has been passing through harsh moments.
Hunni, your Dad always seems to know what things to say to try to get you to do what he wants you to - to move to be with him. You have the choices to make as to whether you want to see him, or your grandmother, or not. You've said in the past that you think that if you were to go to his house then he would make it difficult for you to leave and he'd try to make you sell your home and move in to look after him.
You've also said that he doesn't treat you very nicely at all...
It's your choice, but hunni you've had times when your family/friend haven't said nice things about you or to you. It's time to live your life and to go where you want and do what you want!
Hunni, if your dad will be alone, that will be down to HIS choices, the way he’s lived HIS life. Please don’t make the mistake of giving up YOUR life for him. Whatever you do has to be YOUR choice, not his.
My father has called me today and told me that his mother died. He cried so much. He told me he knows that it is incomparable with my tragedy, but he is feeling lost alone, because he passed his whole life only with her.
I am deeply sorry for him, but I am not attached to him and unwilling to live with him.
I'm sorry for your loss lovely, but I'm glad you aren't going to live with him...
He has called me again. He was drunk and he insisted that I must come there now and immediately.
Sweetheart I'm sorry that he feels that this is appropriate. It's not at all... You live your own life. He's never been a positive influence in your life.
Don’t let him order you to do anything you don’t want to do. You are a strong, independent woman and you’ve made a real life for yourself despite your losses. You should be where you’re happy
I have not posted for a while...
Meanwhile my situation is mainly the same.
My Dad however called me again and asked me directly, if I move there to live together with him or not, because he must decide (I guess whom making heir or what?)
Well, honestly, I do not have strength and sources to support him first. Secondly, I cannot afford to travel a lot, so I would prefer going into the other directions.
I forgave him but that is all, I pity him, but I am unwilling to do what he wants.
Some time ago, a young man called me and presented himself as my second cousin from Riga. He was nice and it proved to be true. He does not know anything and well I liked the idea of having one more cousin, but I am unwilling to drag him into all dirt. He does not know anything.
He told me he has met my Dad for the first time in his life,he literally knocked at his door and complained how lonely he is after his mom's death. My Dad comes to his place once per week, at the same time he talked about me - his daughter .
This man is a businessman and he occasionally travels to other European states.
He probably thinks I want to come there, but I am unwilling to come even on visit.
I am a bit messed up, I pity my Dad, but I cannot make his plans alive. I have different plans in life.
We've missed you!
What did you say to your Dad? What is it that you forgave him for?
What would you be dragging your cousin into?
Definitely live your life for you lovely.
Thank you.
Because he was not in my life and whenI asked him why he could not have managed it better as father, he said my mother filed for divorce and that is all.
I do not want to complain to him about all my issues with my Dad, unless if he asks something specific.
It's not complaining, it's talking and sharing things...
Hello again, it has been a while since I posted last time.
I have come through some challenges and really struggled with depression mood swings.
But a situation really makes me struggle. Just tell if you perceive it is a duty or not.
So, my Dad remained alone after his mom's death. Meanwhile, I found out that my only half-sister, his only other child, is ill and disabled since birth. So he said he could rely only on me.
Meanwhile, I met online my second cousin who lives in my dad's country too. He seems a nice and kind person. We occassionally communicate online, but that is not enough ground for me to come there as a visitor, especially as I am supposed to live at my dad's place. He does not know anything about real situation and I do not want to drag him in all this.
My dad however told me some time before that I must be aware he is 67 and I must take a decision, because he has to decide something important too.
I cannot provide for him and it seems he grasped it. Now he sometimes calls me and is interested just because he knows I will not hurt him, but during my last visit there, he bullied me mercilessly over my weight etc and why I am not skinny, while he had never been exactly fit either and I am affected by certain health issues.
First, it is money issue and then I am unwilling to go there ...and get bullied again. As for my cousin, I think we can meet in other place.
Maybe I sound like a monster, but I am unwilling to really come there....I am feeling vulnerable and triggered face to face to him...
Can I just check...
Is your Dad still wanting you to go and live with him?
Are you suggesting that you and your second cousin become a couple?
What does he expect you to do for your half-sister?
What decision does he expect you to make?
Sweetheart I have to say the same as I've been saying to you for years... You DESERVE to be HAPPY! Being overweight and having diagnosed illnesses do not make you less of a person. For your father to be bullying you about that is disgraceful and really should stop you from wanting to be anywhere near such an unkind man.
I've never, ever heard you sound anything like a monster. You are always kind and willing to do what is right for everyone else, but it's time you now put YOU first! Tell him how you feel. Start going out and meeting people - maybe join a group who have similar interests as you do - check local groups on Facebook etc. That could lead to more friendships, which could lead to more. Being in a couple isn't the be-all and end-all love. You will find the right person when you are not expecting to. Be kind to yourself!
Yes, he would be glad, if I come there to live, he is milder now than before.
As for my cousin, not at all, I meant we developed a kind of friendship and we even resemble to each other! He is married, he was happy to have found out about me, because he is the only child in family, like myself.
My Dad expects nothing, because my half-sister lives in another country. I think he hopes I will be there soon. Maybe he tries to influence my cousin so that I come there to live for a while. But I cannot imagine something more than a short visit, even unwilling to make one now...
Ahhhh, thank you for explaining more. I still think you deserve to be treated better than he treats/talks to you. You are such a nice person, interesting and so capable I don't think you going to be living with him or anywhere near his manipulation could ever be positive for you.
If you don't want to travel then don't love. Or if you want to travel elsewhere then do that! You don't owe him or your half-sister anything....
You’re not a monster, love, very, very far from it. If you don’t want to go, that should be the end of the conversation. If he wants to discuss it more, have you thought about telling him you won’t talk to him unless he can guarantee he won’t bring the subject up? And, 67? What does he mean by that - that’s no age
Or maybe he should come to you to discuss it...
I am simply unwilling to go there, although I have been put under pressure to visit him...because he is my dad etc etc
Exactly, Suzi, he said he does not have any money to visit me. My country struggles with the worst crisis, it will get milder over year and time, I told him to have patience. He instead (it was at beginning of this year) raised his voice and told me 200 EUR is nothing and I can be harsh with myself and save to visit him in May or asap and stay there for around a month or so!
After this, the least desire disappeared. He had also made a hint even last year that he would decide whom to leave his flat, to me or that cousin. But he realized this cousin who had seen him first time in his life will not obey him, so he would prefer me.
After a while, my Dad got milder or I have impression that my cousin or another man taught him how to talk to his daughter in better way.
Yes, life is short and everybody can decease anytime, I am just feeling vulnerable going there.
Sweetheart you deserve so much better...
Hi, lovey, it’s been ages! How are you?
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