Enough is enough, I'm emotionally trapped

[Mattypompy]

Hey there folks.

I have had an enduring problem with an abusive sister for years.

Unfortunately, this is another episode that is affecting my MH, namely anxiety and depression. Have you ever experienced anxiety about something specific, and the same cyclical ruminating thoughts are there as soon as you wake? That's what I had today,

So the background is we were getting on reasonably well for a few weeks. Went to London started drinking when the football tournament started. She asked me to put a bet on for her, on my phone for Italy to win. She said she saw confirmation and we were both drunk. I swear it was Italy, she even quoted the odds that were correct on the betting slip in the betting history.

Anyway the bet was on Portugal for some reason. Needless to say Italy won and the winnings were £96. Now she's launched a campaign of bullying with demands via email. It's really stressing me. I keep my word on personal agreements but this was a silly drunken honest mistake. I know for a fact if the roles were reversed I'd be irritated for a day max and if she offered to say go for s meal or something would forgive and accept it was a mistake. Not with this person, oh no. She instantly blocked me on WhatsApp and laughed abuse. I thought she was joking at first and said just accept the error, as I would have. This was 10 days ago and she still hasn't changed her position. I've returned the stake already.

It's difficult to get an objective independent view but I don't know what to do. She's always she doesn't care about money, hence why I thought she'd just forgive and learn a lesson. Ultimately though, she asked someone else to bet for them, when both drunk, and said she saw confirmation and was happy. I think she bears partial responsibility.

I am minded to meet her half way and reimbursed half, as I know if I do exactly what she wants she'll use it as an emotional victory which she also wants. The threat is the end of our relationship if I don't cough up everything. She's engaged in demanding money with menaces I believe. Two of her messages;

"I asked you to put it on as I don’t have an online account, if I’d known you’re so incompetent I’d have found a bookies. I asked you the Italy odds, you said 9.6 and I asked you to stick a tenner on Italy. Quite simple. And you said you’d done it. And you made sure I transferred the tenner to you that night. Come Sunday night, I want my money in my account, either way, or we’re gonna fall out big time. Blocking you on here now as I’m too pissed off with you."

"Well it’s non-negotiable for me, to make this right you need to 1. Apologise for your unwarranted nasty arrogant attitude last week and 2. Pay over my winnings & stake.
It’s not up for debate, I’ve made my position crystal clear, ball’s in your court now. I’ll leave it with you."

Incidentally she never apologises for any of the abuse she subjects me to, ever.

I must add that, I'm socially isolated have no male friends to chat to and feel vulnerable to stressors. I think I rely on her as a proxy mate so am a little dependent.

Don't know how to deal with it, give in or stick to a middle way. Really causing low mood.

Thank you for reading.

[Suzi]

Oh love it sounds like a horrible situation. If she saw it and was happy with it then so be it...

I wouldn't be able to pay the winning amount to her so it would just be tough luck!
Hunni, she really is a huge trigger for you. Have you ever thought about having specific counselling to help with your relationship?

[Mattypompy]

Oh love it sounds like a horrible situation. If she saw it and was happy with it then so be it...

I wouldn't be able to pay the winning amount to her so it would just be tough luck!
Hunni, she really is a huge trigger for you. Have you ever thought about having specific counselling to help with your relationship?

Hey Suzi my lovely, thanks for the reply.

She would never engage in counselling. She's needed therapy for decades for her anger, mistrust, cynicism and other things, but she's in denial and thinks there's nothing wrong with her. Pretty sure she's a diagnosable narcissist. She thinks she's superior, never takes responsibility for anything and never apologises.

She used to have our mum in tears, when she was alive, shouting at her and abusing her. She used to bully me physically until I was stronger than her, no it's emotional. Undermining self esteem etc. There's no bone of forgiveness in her. Hard as nails but deeply unhappy and projecting.

She's even going to miss our sisters birthday over this spat, she's 50 yrs old!

Xx

[Suzi]

You can have relationship counselling on your own to help you to unravel some of what's been happening and how things are for you and what's in your head. Relate can do this, as I'm sure others can too. It's definitely worth thinking about.

Hunni, is this pain worth it? Could things be easier if you cut her out completely? Is that an option?

[Angie]

Sweetheart the thing is the only money that she is without is the £10 for the bet isn't she? as the team bet on did not win, but saying that her behaviour to you is appalling.

Are there any hobbies that you like that are sociable? pool or darts etc where you can meet people and are therefore not dependant on her?
I do agree with Suzi is this pain worth it, you have to put yourself and your health first.

[Paula]

You can definitely have relationship counselling on your own - I went to Relate after my marriage broke up and it helped me immensely

[Mattypompy]

Sweetheart the thing is the only money that she is without is the £10 for the bet isn't she? as the team bet on did not win, but saying that her behaviour to you is appalling.

Are there any hobbies that you like that are sociable? pool or darts etc where you can meet people and are therefore not dependant on her?
I do agree with Suzi is this pain worth it, you have to put yourself and your health first.



Thank you Angie and you other marvellous ladies. Apologies most earnestly for the tardiness. I've been pretty low, unproductive and withdrawn. Having said that I do feel a bit better mood wise. When I first dropped this thread I didn't want to wake in the morning. No I'm trying to push through 5he days doing at least one positive task a day.

On reflection and thinking about my sisters reaction to this ludicrous bet and the emotional consequences for me, I need to probably give her a wide birth. She won't change and it's not my job to do facilitate that. I'm considering therapy, for reactive depression, I can get some via a health insurer I have. I was also considering an increase in ADS but will hold fire for now.

In the end I paid her half the bet winnings sent an email explaining my reasoning and she said she read one line and deleted it.



Your contribution helped a lot. I hope the Samaritans office, face to face is open now as I think that may be the next port of call.

Cheers,

Xx��

[Suzi]

Definitely go for the therapy. I think it'll really help. Also, do talk to your Dr about how you are feeling - a general meds review isn't a bad idea anyway....
I wouldn't have paid her anything, so she got more from you than from me. I really, really hope you get to find peace without her.

You know we're always here to listen and help you through things too hunni x

[Mattypompy]

Definitely go for the therapy. I think it'll really help. Also, do talk to your Dr about how you are feeling - a general meds review isn't a bad idea anyway....
I wouldn't have paid her anything, so she got more from you than from me. I really, really hope you get to find peace without her.

You know we're always here to listen and help you through things too hunni x



Thanks gunning and sorry for the rude tardiness. I'm with you on your assertion about not coughing up, but honestly I went halfway as I believe treat acrimony with kindness up to the point of abuse. The money was never important to me, it was the circumstances and being anti money as a source of conflict.

Xx

[Suzi]

I totally understand that. No need to apologise, we're here all the time ;)

[Mattypompy]

I totally understand that. No need to apologise, we're here all the time ;)

Btw, I meant huni not gunning!������

Xx

[Suzi]

I assumed ;)

Always welcome.

[Mattypompy]

I cannot deal with this anymore. How can a person intentionally be so vile and nasty to a brother who has only offered help and support.

When am I such a stupid fool to a) be so upset and sad about it and b) keep re-engaging with her thinking things will change.

My sister has really upset me again. I've had tears tonight and fleeting suicidal ideation.

This is what happened. She bumped into a French guy I've talked to before, in the pub near hers on Friday.

I had been talking to her via email, supporting her with her health and a injury claim all week..

I'd had an argument with this guy when we were both drinking. Over how I pronounced his name. We were both rude to each other.

This guy lied to her that I was xenophobic and homophobic and she believed him. A total stranger.

She sent 4 emails when she was drunk. 1st accused me of being a xenophobe and homophobe. 2nd said she's smarter than me so I'd look like a dick if I was trying to gaslight her (over rejecting those vile allegations), 3rd said nobody seems to like you, not surprised you moved. I moved from my old place 9 months ago for health reasons. There's no truth to the allegations, the guy lied and is stirring I guess cuz we had an argument.

I cannot take it anymore. I have vulnerable mental health and she's emotionally abusing me. I'm so down because of it.

[Paula]

Oh hunni (panda). So, how do you think you can change things?

[Suzi]

What a horrible experience love. What are your options?

[Mattypompy]

Hi Ladies, thanks for the reply and kind words, as usual. I know the only realistic option is to significantly reduce contact with her. I'm traditional in that I believe family is important and people should be kind, caring and loyal to each other. My faith also means I have to forgive people.

Unfortunately these two aspects of my personality present a problem when someone is chronically nasty, as you can be repeatedly exposed to abuse but there are no consequences for the abuser. That's what she is, an emotional abuser.

I know what I need to do, it's a question of doing it. But this was a new level of nasty to someone with enduring depressed social isolation. That isn't love, it's toxic abuse. And it was all a lie. Didn't even know the guy's sexuality and I do not care a jot.

She's often undermining my self esteem... I think as she's trying to project her pain.

[Suzi]

I think she sounds like a thoroughly miserable person who feels the need to make those around her suffer in the same way she is....

[Mattypompy]

Yes Boss Lady, I think that's correct.

Thing is, she's so stubborn that she's in denial that she has problems so it's the world's fault no fault of hers.

She refuses to seek help and is in denial. I've always been of the opinion that seeking help and recognising one's problems is a sign of strength. Unfortunately we have traditionally lived in a society where its seen as a weakness. I think it's courage.

Xx

[Stella180]

I’m much like you. Family means everything and spent so many years trying to hold my family together, trying to be the best mother, daughter, sister, cousin that I could be. I failed miserably or so I thought. The trust was I was fighting for something that no one else cared about in the same way that I did and in the end I had to walk away from many of them. Of course I still loved them and always will but I had to learn that I was hurting myself by trying to maintain these relationships in a way that I believed they should be.

Every time you engage with your sister she is going to hurt you. You know this but still you put up with it because she is family but what is the point of family if they treat you so badly? Just because you came from the same womb doesn’t mean she has the right to abuse you. You need to walk away when she gets nasty because you deserve better and if she genuinely cares about you she will learn that her behaviour is pushing you away and change how she interacts. Alternatively if she doesn’t care then this will continue and is that something you want to go on for the rest of your life? It definitely sounds like you need to stay away from her for your own well-being. You have no control over her behaviour but you do have control over how you react to it.

[Suzi]

That's a brilliant post Stella.

[Jaquaia]

Sorry, coming to this late, but wanted to add that the best thing I ever did was cutting my sister out of my life. I miss my niece's but she never let them call me auntie anyway. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and avoid toxicity, even if they are family.

[Mattypompy]

Sorry, coming to this late, but wanted to add that the best thing I ever did was cutting my sister out of my life. I miss my niece's but she never let them call me auntie anyway. Sometimes you have to put yourself first and avoid toxicity, even if they are family.



I know now I'm a bit late but thank you for your comments.

I'm clearly an idiotic sucker for emotional abuse. Now she has been vacillating over a planned trip London before Xmas. I delayed other things, kept days free to go, after she implicitly agreed. Now she's playing games as to whether she can go before Xmas after I asked 3 weeks ago. Perhaps I'm paranoid but seems she enjoys the attempted control of emotional manipulation. Crazy stuff, pretty debased.


IÂ’m much like you. Family means everything and spent so many years trying to hold my family together, trying to be the best mother, daughter, sister, cousin that I could be. I failed miserably or so I thought. The trust was I was fighting for something that no one else cared about in the same way that I did and in the end I had to walk away from many of them. Of course I still loved them and always will but I had to learn that I was hurting myself by trying to maintain these relationships in a way that I believed they should be.

Every time you engage with your sister she is going to hurt you. You know this but still you put up with it because she is family but what is the point of family if they treat you so badly? Just because you came from the same womb doesnÂ’t mean she has the right to abuse you. You need to walk away when she gets nasty because you deserve better and if she genuinely cares about you she will learn that her behaviour is pushing you away and change how she interacts. Alternatively if she doesnÂ’t care then this will continue and is that something you want to go on for the rest of your life? It definitely sounds like you need to stay away from her for your own well-being. You have no control over her behaviour but you do have control over how you react to it.

Thanks Stella. Great perspective and analysis. I agree with every word. It's like there's an emotional masochist in me. I think part of the problem is being socially isolated, lonely and a social phone.

All of those factors compound a sense of unhappiness and frustration. I will think on your words.

Thanks again.

Matt👌

[Suzi]

Matt, lovely to see you. Why are you still allowing her to control you lovely? She doesn't appear to change and you don't need the nastiness in your life...

[Mattypompy]

Matt, lovely to see you. Why are you still allowing her to control you lovely? She doesn't appear to change and you don't need the nastiness in your life...


Hey Suzi darling.

This the pathetic mystery. Need my head read. I think it essentially comes down to the intrinsic value I place in family. I'm given to be vulnerable and open to be treated with contempt. Silly mug. Clearly it's a weak spot when another family member doesn't feel the same. Also we lost both our parents a few years ago, close together. I thought that may be a catalyst for a kinder togetherness.

Seems I'm a naive romantic.

Hope you're well lovely?

[Stella180]

That really does sound familiar. I too lost both parents within 4 months of each other about 8 yrs ago. I actually fell out with my brother and we didn’t speak after. We lost him to cancer in 2019. It’s just me and my sister now and we rarely see anything of each other. I’m pretty much on my own.

[Mattypompy]

That really does sound familiar. I too lost both parents within 4 months of each other about 8 yrs ago. I actually fell out with my brother and we didn’t speak after. We lost him to cancer in 2019. It’s just me and my sister now and we rarely see anything of each other. I’m pretty much on my own.

Hi,

Sorry to hear that Stella. I have two sisters, the one I'm referring to that I have problems with and another one I get on well with 99% of the time.

The younger one, middle child, I'm youngest, has a serious anger problem, super argumentative and can be nasty verging on cruel.

I'm pretty much on my own too and have a history of Devereux depression and anxiety. I just don't understand why siblings can't be kind and nice to each other. I find it harder to be unfriendly and impolite.

One of life's great mysteries.

Cheers

[Suzi]

Oh love, sounds like you need to work on boundaries... Something that I was talking to others about earlier... It's so hard to put enough weight on what you need and want.....

[Mattypompy]

Oh love, sounds like you need to work on boundaries... Something that I was talking to others about earlier... It's so hard to put enough weight on what you need and want.....

Exactly. I hadn't even thought about boundaries until s few months ago, perhaps with the input of you guys, but that is so true. And I did indicate to her my boundaries, about certain topics, that undermine my self worth and self esteem, again and again....

I hadn't even considered some things sit on the wrong side, as it's grey, of disagreement into abuse. Needless to say she doesn't respect those, especially when intoxicated. I think she does it to boost her self esteem in a warped and vindictive manner. If she said to me topic A is off the agenda, that would be fine but one rule for one..

[Paula]

What are you going to do to change things?

[Suzi]

It's hard, but maybe it's time to cut yourself a safe space away from her for a while?

[Mattypompy]

It's hard, but maybe it's time to cut yourself a safe space away from her for a while?


Hey there.

Yes you're so right. The same toxic pathology repeats itself. I don't think it can change. I have identified quite a lot of contradictory aspects to her behaviour. I'm convinced that there's a deep inner bitterness towards me, and an in denial self righteous emotional pain that she projects onto me to improve her self esteem.

I need to be strong and disciplined.

Thanks 👌

[Strugglingmum]

Actually what you need lovely is to realise you are worth so much more than that, that you dont need to be around that sort of treatment, nor do you need to accept it.
It's ok to be kind to you and not accept this sort of treatment as inevitable or excusable. It took me a very long time to realise and believe it was ok to cut a family member out of my life but once I did, I started to improve with my mental health.
Family isn't just about blood, it's the people who love and accept us just the way we are and treat us in that way.

[Suzi]

SM is so totally right. You are worth so much more than how you allow her to treat you.

[OldMike]

SMum is spot on with her analysis, sometimes people can be just nasty and by putting people down makes them feel better, enough of the fireside psychology just don't let it get to you.