Struggling

[Mattypompy]

Hello everyone,

I'm aman who has suffered from anxiety and deep depression for many years on and off and am struggling with being really low and very anxious today.

I don't know what to do.

I went out last night with my older sister and she has a habit of being very verbally abusive sometimes, especially while drinking.

I have struggled to find work recently due to my depression and severe social anxiety. She criticised me about that and essentially said I was worthless.

I feel so low and insignificant today and have racing and intrusive thoughts. I'm having a panic attack, am hyperventilating and huffing and puffing.

I don't know what to do, I cannot stop these thoughts and my self esteem is rock bottom. I have some anxiety pills I've just taken.

I live alone and hardly have any social interactions due to the anxiety.

Please help me.

[Suzi]

Hi Matt, long time no see.
Sorry that things are so bad today lovely. Do you need to get medical help?

[Mattypompy]

Hi, yes Suzi. Good to hear from you, I hope you're well.

Maybe I do medical help. I'm in the midst of a panic attack.

Trying to control my breathing it's difficult

[Suzi]

OK, panic attacks are terrifying, but please, please, please remember that you can get through this.

Can you stop and find 5 things that you can see?
4 things you can hear.
3 things you can touch.
2 things that you can smell.
1 thing that you can taste.

[Paula]

Hi Matt, has the panic attack passed? One thing that really helped me (apart from the grounding exercise Suzi just explained to you) is to remember that your body cannot sustain a panic attack any longer than 20-25 minutes so it WILL end. I know that seems a long time to be feeling like this, but you’re not in any danger and it’s temporary (panda)

[Mattypompy]

OK, panic attacks are terrifying, but please, please, please remember that you can get through this.

Can you stop and find 5 things that you can see?
4 things you can hear.
3 things you can touch.
2 things that you can smell.
1 thing that you can taste.
Hey Suzi,

Thank you for the fantastic advise there with the distraction technique.

I will use it next time.

The attack has passed now. I have asthma and had been using propranolol to try and reduce the anxiety. Unfortunately it exacerbated the asthma and my inhaler wouldn't work.

It was very scary. I've had them before but this one lasted about 30 mins. I was clamy, cold, sweating and weak. Horrible. I just had cyclical intrusive thoughts that I couldn’t stop.

Now, I am very low and pretty exhausted. I nearly went to the hospital, the GP is calling later.

Thanks beyond words for you both being there.

[Suzi]

I'm glad that GP is calling love. Be honest and tell them what's going on.

Can you rest and be kind to you this afternoon? In my house we call it an "anxiety hangover" you need to rest...

[Mattypompy]

Hi Matt, has the panic attack passed? One thing that really helped me (apart from the grounding exercise Suzi just explained to you) is to remember that your body cannot sustain a panic attack any longer than 20-25 minutes so it WILL end. I know that seems a long time to be feeling like this, but youÂ’re not in any danger and itÂ’s temporary (panda)

Hi Paula,

Good to see you again. I hope you're well.

Yes it's passed, thanks. I took a cocodamol and I think the codeine worked. Just exhausted now and low.

Was very scary though due to the asthma issue. I was almost gasping for air. I was hyperventilating.

Thanks Paula for the ever so kind words of encouragement. You're both stars.

I'll drop an update later after seeing the Dr. I have a long history of depression and anxiety and 3 events occurred within about 4 days. Two relationship conflicts and a finance one. It was too much to cognitively and emotionally process all at once.

Xxx

Thank you once more.


I'm glad that GP is calling love. Be honest and tell them what's going on.

Can you rest and be kind to you this afternoon? In my house we call it an "anxiety hangover" you need to rest...

Good phrase that one. Yes I'll be honest. I actually think I need a short course of benzos to get me through this hump. I did suggest that but they gave me the beta blockers.

Thanks hun. Xx

I'll rest up. It was incredible how weak I felt. Think I was pretty deoxygenated. I did a body scan mindfulness meditation.

[Suzi]

Hope you aren't waiting long to speak to your GP.

[Mattypompy]

Thanks, me too.

[Mattypompy]

Hello ladies.

Hooe you're well. Just a wee update. Talked to the GP today. We decided a short course of diazepam as and when. Also she suggested perhaps to consider changing my anti depressants as I have been on this type for a couple of years.

I still feel very low and listless but will try and force myself out later.

[Suzi]

Well done for talking to your GP and being open to the idea of changing. What are you on now? What are they suggesting you change to?

[Paula]

That’s a good days work, hunni, well done

[Mattypompy]

Hiya,

Hope everyone is well. Just an update. The GP issued some short term tranquillisers and suggested a change in antidepressants which I'm going to deliberate on.

I'm doing better, but still pretty on edge, I'm trying to remove the stressor that I have identified.

Thanks guys. Sending good wishes.

M xx

They suggested Venlafaxine. I've been on Escitalapram for 2.5 years.

Can I not edit posts after sending one does anyone know or am I being dumb?!

Xx


Well done for talking to your GP and being open to the idea of changing. What are you on now? What are they suggesting you change to?

Oops, Sorry Suzi for merging posts. Don't know how that happened! Not sure how to undo or edit posts��

[Suzi]

Hi Matt only the team members can edit posts after it's been made. Not a problem, just something to be aware of ;)

Venlafaxine had been a game changer for my husband.

[Mattypompy]

Hi Matt only the team members can edit posts after it's been made. Not a problem, just something to be aware of ;)

Venlafaxine had been a game changer for my husband.

I may try venlafaxine then. I had it years ago in the 90s as one of my first ever ADS. Don't if you guys agree but the efficacy 9f do can wane after a few years.


On another note, who are the team members? Again I didn't mean to merge posts and the couldn't undo it when I noticed as I cannot edit, kind of a catch 22!

Keep well guys.

Xx

What's the thinking about restricting users editing posts may I ask? Am a bit befuddled.

[Stella180]

Why do you continue to double post when you’ve been asked twice not to do it?

[Mattypompy]

Why do you continue to double post when you’ve been asked twice not to do it?

It was a mistake, I don't know how I did it. I assure you it's not intentional.

In fact I'm not entirely certain what you mean by double posting Suzi

When you say only members can edit, who are members? Aren't people who register members? I'm confused!

[Suzi]

Hi Matt -

All team members have their names in different colours - Red for admin, dark blue for supermods, green for mods. There's also a pinned post called "Meet the team" so you can know about us too.
Double posting - posting twice on the same thread within 10 mins is the rule we use. I just ask that people don't do that. It's terrible for continuity, some people only do it to increase post numbers to get past newbie stage etc to be able to post links and pictures, it's better for our data if double posting doesn't happen and many other issues.
Members - yes all registered are members, only team can edit posts.
Members can't edit posts for many reasons - for example, 1ce we had a member who would write something and then go back and change everything to remove what they had said. This may not seem like a big issue, but it is for continuity, for the fact that this person was someone I was used to dealing with their care team about. Once they'd changed their posts, the "evidence" had been removed. Another issue is for spammers. We've had it where a member posts, then goes back later to change it to spam - links and pictures. This may not seem a problem, but trust me some of the things I've seen make me uncomfortable and I'm about as far from a prude as it's possible to be! :)

Hope this helps to explain things. Every forum has their own rules, this is just one of mine. We don't have many rules and are pretty open and relaxed about most things.

[Mattypompy]

Hi Matt -

All team members have their names in different colours - Red for admin, dark blue for supermods, green for mods. There's also a pinned post called "Meet the team" so you can know about us too.
Double posting - posting twice on the same thread within 10 mins is the rule we use. I just ask that people don't do that. It's terrible for continuity, some people only do it to increase post numbers to get past newbie stage etc to be able to post links and pictures, it's better for our data if double posting doesn't happen and many other issues.
Members - yes all registered are members, only team can edit posts.
Members can't edit posts for many reasons - for example, 1ce we had a member who would write something and then go back and change everything to remove what they had said. This may not seem like a big issue, but it is for continuity, for the fact that this person was someone I was used to dealing with their care team about. Once they'd changed their posts, the "evidence" had been removed. Another issue is for spammers. We've had it where a member posts, then goes back later to change it to spam - links and pictures. This may not seem a problem, but trust me some of the things I've seen make me uncomfortable and I'm about as far from a prude as it's possible to be! :)

Hope this helps to explain things. Every forum has their own rules, this is just one of mine. We don't have many rules and are pretty open and relaxed about most things.

Hi Suzi,

Thank you for the comprehensive explanations. I now get it! Yes, as you say, forums have there own rules for postings for different reasons. Due to the nature of the content of this one I can totally understand.

I suppose I was being naive, or just plain uninformed. I certainly don't want to face Stella's ire (joke).

Thanks again for the wonderful support and time given. You do a fabulous job. I may donate of that's a thing!

M xx

[Suzi]

You're very welcome. I'm always happy to explain anything ;)

How are you feeling love? How are your moods etc?

[Mattypompy]

You're very welcome. I'm always happy to explain anything ;)

How are you feeling love? How are your moods etc?

Afternoon.

Much better thank you. The beautiful weather today is helping and I have removed one of the 3 sources of the stress that precipitated the panic attack, for a few days. Yes it's a family member. One, who knows my triggers, gets intoxicated then exploits them ruthlessly to undermine my self esteem.

I'm actually almost 99% convinced she has a personality disorder. The bummer is, as I'm sensitive, the vicious words from her tongue actually do hurt, I know I shouldn't let them but I cannot break the link. She must find it confusing she can treat me like s*** and I still come back for more. What a mug I am.🙄

Hope you're well today. Thanks as ever.

M xx

[Suzi]

You aren't a mug, I have similar issues with a family member too. 43 years later and they still hurt me so much. I sympathise. I think it says more about them than us... I like to mentally put them on the naughty step... It helps a little.

[Butterfly]

Glad the mood is a bit better and that the weather is nice! Well done on removing one of your sources of stresd too and am so sorry to hear that it's been a family member who caused you triggers! As Suzi said, you're not a mug! I personally think it's not easy to let go of something as important as family and our minds can be tricky in still making us coming back to people who cause us harm.
Still, you're working hard - seeing as you're trying to remove your triggers. That's not easy but I'm sending you all the best wishes xx

[Mattypompy]

You aren't a mug, I have similar issues with a family member too. 43 years later and they still hurt me so much. I sympathise. I think it says more about them than us... I like to mentally put them on the naughty step... It helps a little.

Hey Boss Lady! Hope you're well. Yes I think you're right. Putting them on the mental naughty step is a sensible thing to do. It's just so draining though when they constantly criticise, demean, belittle and undermine. I can't wrap head round why, knowing how unreasonable she is, why I let it affect me. I'd like to be able to mentally decouple the emotional link.

I also, totally don't understand why someone can enjoy hurting a family member, for absolutely no reason. She said for the 3rd time in about 2 years the other day she wished I wasn't her brother. She was drinking and it was totally unprovoked. How do you deal with someone like that.

Be well enjoy the weekend.
M x

[Mattypompy]

Glad the mood is a bit better and that the weather is nice! Well done on removing one of your sources of stresd too and am so sorry to hear that it's been a family member who caused you triggers! As Suzi said, you're not a mug! I personally think it's not easy to let go of something as important as family and our minds can be tricky in still making us coming back to people who cause us harm.
Still, you're working hard - seeing as you're trying to remove your triggers. That's not easy but I'm sending you all the best wishes xx

Hey Butterfly,

How very kind of you to read the thread and reply. I hope you're well. Yes, you're so right that it's difficult cutting the family bonds. In my case my sister obviously knows that and treats me like crap because she thinks there ate no consequences. Even when I told her about my mini breakdown she still criticises and exploit the fact I'm vulnerable by refusing to help in a simple matter. I've done loads of stuff for her. I am thinking I'm a mug and I've been duped. I place high priority on family, she says it means nothing to her. One of the other triggers was my best friend of 20 years just ghosting me for no reason I can understand. It's a grieving process. I might go back into therapy. As far as I'm concerned she is an emotional abuser.

I may go to the Samaritans tonight.

Than you again.

M x

[Suzi]

Matt, I don't understand it either, but I think that's a good thing. I'd hate to be someone who enjoyed hurting others...

You are definitely not a mug at all lovely. Definitely try going back to therapy. Do talk to the Samaritans if you need to or you can text Shout too (text Shout to 85258) It's free and you will get through to a trained volunteer all by text.

[Mattypompy]

Matt, I don't understand it either, but I think that's a good thing. I'd hate to be someone who enjoyed hurting others...

You are definitely not a mug at all lovely. Definitely try going back to therapy. Do talk to the Samaritans if you need to or you can text Shout too (text Shout to 85258) It's free and you will get through to a trained volunteer all by text.

Hey Boss Lady!

Hope things are going well.

I'm feeling quite a bit better. I've been in touch with the Samaritans via email.

I even went to the local office, but of course they ate closed due to covid. Worth a look. I relied on the in person sessions a lot after a bereavement some years ago.

Removing my sisters malign influence, emotionally abusing me while I was in a depressive and anxiety episode, has helped.

I just couldn’t handle the 3 stressors at once and a gasket blew. An unfortunate vulnerability for those affected by long term and historic depression.

Now, I'm going to try exercise and a diet and volunteer.

Thanks everyone, be well.

M xx

[Suzi]

Thanks for the update lovely. Hope that things carry on an upward path...

[Mattypompy]

Thanks for the update lovely. Hope that things carry on an upward path...
Hey Boss Lady, hope you're all well.

Ok, so my controlling, emotionally abusive sister that I haven't had any contact with for about a month is at it again. She contributed to the stressors that caused my recent panic attack and deterioration in my depression, she's belittled and undermined my self esteem for decades.

So I told her via text that I was ill and she was aggravating things after I saw her in person about a month ago, then nothing either way, and I was better for it, until yesterday. We often go to the tennis at Eastbourne and tickets went on sale last night and she mentioned she was going to get some tickets. Not even seemingly aware how unwell, never asked how I was, I was last month. Sorry, or how are you are alien concepts to her. I always ask her how she is.

Anyway I wrote a pretty long email explaining in detail how she made me feel last month, how her instant explosive anger and vile things she said really made me quite ill. This was in a calm objective manner. I said I cannot deal with the version of her that is emotionally abusive, I'm making a stand for the sake of my health.

So I said, yes I'll go yo the tennis if you don't intend to be abusive as I'm not too well and need to think about my MH. Explaining to her that we need healthy boundaries or the relationship won't work.

You know what she said. "If you don't pay for the ticket by tomorrow I'm asking a friend to go"

I said to her, again, yes I'll come if you don't intend to be abusive again, her response "As Ive already said, pay me by tomorrow if you want it. If no payment by then I’ll assume you don’t, and take a mate."

She's simply incapable of compromising or even theoretically controlling her pathological anger. This is another attempt at control, giving me an ultimatum as it's so important that she cannot give any ground, or just be a reasonable adult, she'd rather we didn't go.

Last time we went in 2019 she got pissed in a pub, verbally abusive again, went off with a stranger and never went into the tennis ground went home on her own. I've done so much for her.

Honestly, I'm just looking for a bit of advice and wisdom from you guys. I'm not bothered at all about not going as she's so unpredictable mood wise and I'm not going to descend into an argument or another pointless spat.

My draft atm the moment is "I've answered 3 times now, your decision.

If it's that important to you to prefer to reserve the right to be abusive, than go together, then why would anyone want to go under those circumstances. You've answered your own question.


Did you not absorb that email�� That is not healthy or normal. Do you want a healthy relationship or a toxic one? Don't you think we're a little old to have childish, back and forth? Controlling?

To not make someone ill is not too much to ask, pretty low bar for a day out lol

I cannot deal with the abusive, angry personality type that you control. Crystal clear tbh. Up to you"


Think it's a bit long tbh. Best to just reiterate my position.

She loves causing hurt. You're right Suzy, it's probably true it's best not to understand the mindset of someone who enjoys emotional abuse. I can include my original email for context but maybe it's not required.

Sorry for the ramble, just wanted someone else's view as she is a gaslighter too.

[Suzi]

Does she actually see what she is doing is causing you pain/hurt/harm?

[Paula]

Honestly? Love, why would you want to go with her anyway?

[Mattypompy]

Does she actually see what she is doing is causing you pain/hurt/harm?

Yep, she does. I believe she enjoys in a schadenfreude way. I also belive she tries to use me as a co-dependant emotional sounding board to share her internal angst. I'm the only idiot in the world who keeps going back for more!

Obviously I'm no Psychiatrist, but from afar and knowledge I've garnered I believe she may have Borderline Personality syndrome and Narcissistic Personality disorder. It's all about control.

I simply suggested some boundaries of common civility and it was rejected. Im standing my ground. I believe she cannot control herself. She used to beat me up until I was 13/14 then I was stronger than her, so it's just been emotional abuse since then.

Sorry for the long previous ramble, and thank you for reading I really appreciate anothers view😁

X


Honestly? Love, why would you want to go with her anyway?

I know, I agree. But I'm pretty socially isolated and single and she takes advantage of that assuming I'd like to be with her instead of alone.

Thanks for the comment.

"I
" was going to reply tonight anyway.

It seems you're completely unaware of the damage you've caused.

Watching tennis, and doing other stuff, like London, travelling, going to Aunts, which I was going to suggest etc would be fun but I just cannot predict which version of Kate will be present. How do I know which one will appear on any given day. One I don't want to be with.

I honestly am at a loss at what to do with our relationship, it's toxic has been for years.

The version of you in April I cannot deal with. You really upset and hurt me when I was most vulnerable with the nasty, incredibly mean, controlling and horrible things you did and said at The George and on Good Friday. I do want to know if they're true, perhaps tell me in person, straight and honestly. Then I'll know what to do.

I came to see you, in a good mood, to have a few beers and laughs. I left depressed and highly anxious. You often become very abusive when you drink, it's not worth my sanity. I'm not certain what I've done to you to deserve that. I've been a loyal and helpful brother when ever you've needed anything. My health has to comes first.

Treating me like crap, why would anyone want to be subjected to emotional abuse, that's what it is, emotional abuse. The constant criticisms of jobs, money, have you ever thought what hearing that for years does to someone's self esteem?

As opposed to March when we got on well, had good conversations, played scrabble watched docus etc Can you see how difficult it is to deal with the difference. Don't you prefer that type of interaction.

I am far from perfect, but I know for a fact I do not emotionally abuse you. Maybe you're unaware in the moment, I don't know.

We need some healthy boundaries if we're to have a healthy, workable relationship or it will never work, and will return to type. There has to be a basic fundamental level of mutual decency or it won't ever work.

Please just respect what I've written, and not just automatically, get angry, dismiss or deflect it. So going to tennis and stuff, which I'm up for with the March version, is totally up to you to decide.


It's a shame, as we could have interesting experiences and trips abroad if there was just a less angry more mellow predictable you, that you'd enjoy and probably do you good. Life's too short for a corrosive relationship, don't you think?

Have a think, where you want to go from here. If there's anything you'd like me to change towards you, just tell me. We have to communicate clearly.


See yer......."

That's what I emailed as an overture for a reset. The stuff she said in the pub was ,"family means nothing to her and she wished I wasn't her brother" due to her anger and intoxication. I'd done nothing except travel down on the train to support her for her covid jab. Some people.....

[Mattypompy]

Oops!��

My error. I clearly need to swot up on not merging posts!

I have this tiny screen on a phone with miniscule function buttons, I thought I'd already posted the first part.

M x

[Suzi]

That's OK..

I think you are right in trying to work out what's best for you in the long run - but hunni, maybe you should be taking complete control of this, rather than giving her the control to stay in your life so you still will not know what's going to happen or how she's going to be?
Abuse is most often about power and control. Take it back.

[Mattypompy]

That's OK..

I think you are right in trying to work out what's best for you in the long run - but hunni, maybe you should be taking complete control of this, rather than giving her the control to stay in your life so you still will not know what's going to happen or how she's going to be?
Abuse is most often about power and control. Take it back.

Absolutely wise words Suzi. It is about power and control and I'm inadvertently facilitating it. Very insidious behavior and quite subtle over time. You know what, you guys here, and a Samaritan, a few years back gave me an epiphany. I didn't see it at the time, as probably so many don't due to gaslighting, that the origin of this abuse and repeatedly toxic pattern of behaviour lies within her not me. It's interesting to hypothesise on the need it fulfilling the abuser and it's psychological origin, I suspect it's unacknowledged low self esteem and insecurity in part.

That was such a gift to me that, although abuse from a family member still hurts, I know the cause is not a defect with me, but a pathology in her. Can't tell you how much that revelation was a relief. Thank you.

On another note I'm changing from Escitalopram to Venlafaxine by tapering. A view brain zaps but so far so good. Hope it helps like it did for your hubby. I may look into some therapy, I've had loads, I'll cogitate on it.

Keep well everyone.

Xx

[Suzi]

Hunni you are still giving her the power by giving her headspace... You need some specific therapy. Can you talk to your Dr and get some sorted or maybe try relate or similar?

Changing from one to another is not great, and it could be a bit rough for a while.. Venlafaxine made Marc sleep for a little while, but it's changed so much for him and for us!