Why can’t I let go?

[Miss Molly]

I’m not coping really.
Some of you might remember that I joined a women only cycling group a few years ago.
I was going to train to become a ride leader but there wasn’t any close by to me. A new woman and I use to ride together, we became good friends and I suggested she should become a leader.
She told us she had booked herself onto a training day, I asked her if she’d wait for me for a nearer training day, she told me “No.”
I would have waited for her!
Apparently another friend told me “******* wants to be like you.”
I’ve become bitter because of her not waiting for me. At first I still spoke to her at first but as time goes on, I feel very hurt and blocked her on social media.
Only she can see my posts on the cycling group and comments about my rides, which I don’t like!! Before I blocked her she followed and commented on every single one of my posts. I felt like I was being stalked by her, to the extent that she wouldn’t leave me alone!!
It’s nice to not have her stalking all my posts now.
Now I’m struggling - was struggling before this virus and spoken to my doctor.
I’ve had loads of different counselling over the last 20 years and it’s not helped - well for a while it did but I’m done with it.
Even tried group counselling - which was the worst idea of my then psychotherapist doctor.
My biggest fear is being sectioned - I was assessed in 2017 at a psychiatric unit and it was the most horrendous experience I’ve ever gone through.

[Suzi]

I can understand that you're finding it hard. It seems very odd behaviour from her!
Have you spoken to your Dr again as your mood is dropping more?
Why are you "done" with counselling? There are so many different types etc...
Why do you think you're going to be sectioned?

[OldMike]

She could have waited for a certain length of time so you could've gone on the training day together.

Molly I don't know your full history but the chance of you being sectioned is very remote, I think we are all struggling in these strange covid times.

[Paula]

Mikes got a point, they just don’t have the beds to section most of us, even if they wanted to. But, you do need to engage with any services they’re offering you. You say you’ve had counselling. Have you tried CBT? If so, could a refresher help? What about a meds review?

[Miss Molly]

Ive booked a telephone doctors appointment - itÂ’s later this month.
IÂ’ve tried different types of counselling, the last I had was told counselling doesnÂ’t work for everyone. Groups are a big no no, especially with men. Was told I need to learn to love myself - how can I do that in a group? I also tend to take other peoples problems home with me. As usual I always put my listening hat on and never get me sorted.
ItÂ’s like living as Jackel & Hyde, something I hide from doctor and donÂ’t tell how IÂ’m really feeling, Have told her about the hallucinations.
ThereÂ’s times when I lose my rag over very small things. Having evil thoughts about what I should have done to my ex sister when mum died. Karma caught up with her and she is now in a care home due to dementia.
I know I would be sectioned because of how I feel - if I knew which home she was in, IÂ’d go and do what she did to me when I was young.
Three times I ended up in hospital to have my stomach pumped (i
was under 5yrs old) and it was because my evil step sister gave me aspirins.

Thanks for that Paula. CBT doesnÂ’t work for me. Doctor wasnÂ’t happy that the last lot (specialised councelling) has told me that counselling does t work for some.
Too much trauma has happened in my life.

Thanks for your reply OldMike.

[Suzi]

Is there any chance of getting a sooner appointment?
Thing is, each block of counselling works differently - it may not work, then you go at a different time with a different person and it suddenly clicks... It's always worth trying again.
Hiding things from your doctor is like trying to do a jigsaw puzzle with only a % of the pieces. If you don't tell them everything they can't help with the most appropriate meds, treatment, options....
I can't say for sure whether you will or will not be sectioned - I'm not qualified to make that decision, but it does sound like you need more help than you are having....

[Paula]

Why are you hiding stuff?

[Miss Molly]

Because they’d section me - I wouldn’t cope with being locked away and drugged up.
It’s like I wouldn’t cope if a friend put me up.
Stress/anxiety makes me over think. I’ve just been out to put recycle stuff, there was a piece of toast on my bench - the neighbour who lives above me did this years ago.
Years I’ve had to put up with them - last year we shook hands (my suggestion) and it’s been lovely until today.
I’m tired of going through my *h*t with different counsellors.
Mind only do a block of 6-8 weeks - been there done that a couple times.
Another counsellor couldn’t see me anymore because I was feeling suicidal!!!
My doctor reckons I need much longer counselling for the trauma I’ve endured since childhood.
Few weeks ago one of the neighbours was sectioned, he was let out far too early. He pestered me so told him to leave me alone. He’s been sectioned again as he threatened to kill other neighbours!!!
I just don’t need other peoples crap - I’ve got my own to try sort out.����

[Paula]

What are you hiding?

[Suzi]

Sorry, I don't understand about the toast?

Have you tried being referred for something different such as EMDR or psychotherapy? Do you have a regular CPN?