Blocked by depressed friend

[lz2020]

Hi there,

So I have had a few episodes of depression over the last few years and I am still taking antidepressants. At the moment I am generally feeling ok but there is one situation which I guess has plagued my thoughts over the last year.

2 years ago following my second episode I joined an activity group and made a friend also suffering with depression. I helped and supported them and was generally there for them when they needed me. We got closer and unfortunately they did something which really hurt me. They were very upset and I agreed to carry on being friends. However one day I vented all of my frustration over what had happened. I did apologise repeatedly after.

After that things they became very cold/avoidant towards me. I asked them if I had done something wrong, they said not - that they were in protective mode and that they didn't want to hurt me because it would hurt them. I asked if they still wanted me in their life - they said obviously yes.

Anyway the next month I was in hospital for an operation but I didn't really hear from them that much so I was still a little insecure. I tried to speak to them again on whatsapp but they were in a bad place - told me they didn't know what they could say and they couldn't take this repeatedly. I told them I didn't want to upset them any further so I wouldn't ask any more questions. They said they would leave the group to make things easier for me - I said it was a shame but I understood. Then the next day they blocked me. I also blocked them on another platform - I just didn't want to take any more rejection/hurt.

I guess the difficulty is I have no closure. I have done a lot of ruminating over this in the past year - what did I do wrong, was I too needy/insecure? I have reached a point where I think maybe it wasn't to do with me but there will always be that doubt.

[Strugglingmum]

Hi and welcome. I'm glad you are in a stable place at this time.

I guess in life sometimes we have to accept that we may never know the full reasons why things happen.
To be honest it sounds like you both were not in the best of places at the time and both closed down to protect yourselves. We all do it to some extent....I completely withdraw when I'm hurt, even from those who love me the most.
Sometimes we have to just draw a line, accept , learn from it and move on.
Easier said than done but only you can decide if its something you need to keep going over looking for an answer that may not be there or whether to accept you were probably both upset and give your brain a bit of peace about it.

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome. I have to completely agree with SM. Sometimes we don't know the full reasons and it's actually better to draw a line and move forward. Have you had any therapy to help you work through this?

[Paula]

Hi and welcome. I get it, I really do. It’s over 4 years since my closest friend dropped me like a hot potato. I still don’t know why and I was absolutely devastated. But, over time, I’ve had to accept I’ll never know and move on. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt still - it does and I believe the people we love the most will always leave a hole. If she ever needed me, I know I’d be there to help her but I no longer need her in my life to be happy. It takes time, lovely. I know 2 years seems a long time but there’s no time limit on grief. Day by day it’ll hurt less and eventually you’ll realise you didn’t think about this today, and then for a couple of days.....

[lz2020]

I have had some counselling to deal with it. I’m trying to take a more positive perspective on this - that it was done to protect me rather than hurt me. I guess the ongoing difficulty is that they are still part of my friends’ lives and they have now joined the group again.

[Suzi]

Have you spoken to the rest of your friends about it?

[lz2020]

No, I have thought about it, particularly when there were virtual events going on earlier in the year which I wasn’t told about.

[Suzi]

It might be worth talking to your friends, rather than allowing yourself to start believing that there is a specific reason you weren't invited.

[lz2020]

I guess it’s hard because after a couple of years of depression it was nice to find somebody that liked me and made me feel good about myself again. So when something like this happens I start to question whether any of what they said was real.

[Suzi]

I'm sure it was, just that things became difficult for whatever reason....

[lz2020]

They admitted having feelings for me and I did for them too so it was difficult to go on as friends from that point on

[Suzi]

Not worth thinking about trying a relationship together?

[Paula]

Did you both decide you couldn’t be in a relationship?

[lz2020]

They were already with someone

[Paula]

I’m puzzled. Originally you said (as I understood it) that this friend had done something to hurt you and then blocked you. If what happened was because you had feelings for each other but they are in a relationship, then surely they didn’t mean to hurt you and if you knew there was no way through this for you, perhaps blocking you was the right thing to do?

[lz2020]

The hurtful bit is that after the admission of feelings they acted on them when they had no intention of changing anything. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me and we did carry on being friends about a month after but it was hard knowing there was more there.

[Suzi]

I'm confused too.... So you and this friend told each other that you had feelings for each other, then something happened, then they blocked you because they were in a relationship already? So this is about you being hurt because you had an encounter that wasn't going anywhere because they are with someone else?

[lz2020]

Sorry I’m probably not explaining the timeframe of events very well, but I’ll try and put it down in a more understandable way later

[Suzi]

Thank you! :)

[lz2020]

I guess it’s hard because my depression started because I was rejected from lots of jobs so I’m quite sensitive to rejection and this, although maybe not intentionally, feels like a rejection.

[Stella180]

So are you looking for support for your friend or yourself?

[Suzi]

But you being rejected from jobs doesn't seem to follow you and your friend having feelings and then you having some kind of relationship with them and then not?