Truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

[Flo]

I agree with suzi.....you have such a lot on your plate at the moment, so to defer may just take some of the weight off your shoulders. After all, you can go back to it.

[Paula]

Hey love, how are you doing?

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you?

[Jaquaia]

Tired and irritable

[Suzi]

(panda) (bear) (panda) (bear) What are you up to today?

[Jaquaia]

I went to do my mums meds and took them some sticky toffee pudding. Come back with a homemade quiche! We've been binge watching Not Going Out and done some studying. Tomorrow I'm having my covid jab, I've suggested taking our walking boots and going for a walk on the Westwood afterwards (grazing ground near Beverley Racecourse which is where I'm going for my jab) then home to plod through study, depending on after affects...

[Stella180]

Sticky toffee pudding? Is ya dad putting gravy on that for her? Lol

[Jaquaia]

Well he offers to put custard on everything else so it wouldn't surprise me if he offered gravy for a change!

[Stella180]

Exactly!

[Paula]

Hope it goes ok today,love

[Strugglingmum]

Enjoy your walk. Fresh air will hopefully settle your brain for study.

[Suzi]

Hey covid jab twin! I'm going for mine today, but to Epsom racecourse! :)

Hope the walk helps love. Maybe use the time to talk to him and tell him what's going on in your head?

[Jaquaia]

It was a lovely walk, the first bit uphill! Did about 4.5km and feel tired but a bit better mentally. Going to wrap Mother's Day presents and then do some uni work.

[Suzi]

Glad you had a lovely walk!
Covid vaccine go well?

[Jaquaia]

So far. Hopefully I'll have no reaction to it, reaction to my flu jab has normally kicked in by now

[Stella180]

So many vaccines, so little autism lol.

[Suzi]

I haven't any reaction yet either :)

[Stella180]

I was fine for the first 24hrs or so. I just got a bit of a sore arm and a headache but didn't last long.

[Jaquaia]

Sore arm but that's it, and no massive lump like I get with my flu jab so I'll take that. Been proactive and asked for a weeks extension on my next assignment. I did really well catching up and then circumstances happened so hoping a week will get me back on track.

[Paula]

A good plan. How are you feeling about it atm?

[Suzi]

That is a really good plan love. How's everything going?

[Jaquaia]

Things are ok I suppose. J is worried about my mood. I tend to just shrug it off and say I'm ok.

[Suzi]

Why aren't you talking to him honestly about how you are feeling?

[Jaquaia]

Constantly going over the same things so don't see the point. It's a shit time of year really.

[Suzi]

Mother's Day?

[Jaquaia]

Yeah..

[Strugglingmum]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Are you talking to J about it?

[Jaquaia]

Avoiding it as talking just ends up with me crying.

[Suzi]

But isn't that just you keeping it all inside and being like a pressure cooker?

[Jaquaia]

Using my words against me is really underhand!!!

[Paula]

She’s not wrong....

[Suzi]

So... Are you going to talk to J about it?

[Jaquaia]

He knows it all already

[Paula]

Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him about it. Si knows I struggle with the limitations my disability cause, doesn’t mean I can’t talk to him/rant about it to him.....

[Stella180]

But does he know how you are feeling right now? Maybe there are things he can do to reassure you or make things easier or even just hold you tight which you cry it out.

[Suzi]

I do understand love, but as the others have said, I might talk to Marc about the same thing time and time again, but we're partners in life and what affects him affects me and visa versa. It's only doable if we are honest with those we are sharing our journey with or it's going to drive a massive wedge between you....

[Jaquaia]

J is rather smug right now!

[Suzi]

Why is he smug?

[Jaquaia]

Because he's already said everything you all have.

[Stella180]

Then open up and let him love you.

[Paula]

(giggle)

[Suzi]

Then let him help you love...

[Jaquaia]

I actually answered the phone to Wolverhampton Uni today and couldn't hear anything he said as Toby chose that exact moment to race around like a loon! Anyway, he's emailed me some info and I could start September or November but what's putting me off is they are 8 week modules so I'd have to keep on top of everything no matter what. With the OU I do 3 modules, 1 per year, and that gives me some room to catch up if needed. I need to do some deeper research me thinks...

[Suzi]

What are the assessments for each module? What things can be put in place for you with your RA and MH?

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to try and find time to sit and read through both courses and email back any questions. That would be one. If I'm honest, I hadn't looked at my phone when I answered it so wasn't prepared!

[Suzi]

That's understandable.
Apart from that, how are you love?

[Jaquaia]

So-so. Been burying myself in uni work so kept busy.

[Suzi]

Are you still talking to J about how you are feeling?

[Jaquaia]

Off and on

[Suzi]

That suggests the more honest answer would be "no, not really as I don't want to make things hard for J"....

[Paula]

I’ve noticed you’re only talking about uni stuff, when we know there’s an awful lot more going on than that.....

[Stella180]

Am I the problem? I’ve stay out of the way of your thread if it helps you to talk.

[Jaquaia]

That suggests the more honest answer would be "no, not really as I don't want to make things hard for J"....
More like if I don't talk I don't cry.


I’ve noticed you’re only talking about uni stuff, when we know there’s an awful lot more going on than that.....
It is how it is. Just trying to get on with things.


Am I the problem? I’ve stay out of the way of your thread if it helps you to talk.

Course not you narna. I know you get how I'm feeling about Sunday.

[Stella180]

I know but I’m not exactly the most tactful person at times and I don’t want you to not talk about it cos you’re worried I’ll dive in with my size 8s.

[Jaquaia]

I'm good at not talking. J has tried grassing me up to my mum and she told him I was a pain in the arse for it!

[Suzi]

But is J good at making it so you do talk?

[Jaquaia]

I tend to just shut down when I don't want to talk about something

[Suzi]

But hunni, you're in a partnership. Would you just leave it if you knew he was hurting but not talking?

[Jaquaia]

He knows what the issue is. What can he do about it? Other than keep trying to make me talk about it which just makes me cry. Or am I supposed to keep going over and over something I find incredibly painful?

[Suzi]

Not necessarily, but bottling it up isn't going to help either..

[Stella180]

Can I just say that maybe getting it out of your system, talking, crying, processing will help you to deal with the situation, kinda desensitisation. It’s never going to go away but maybe you can cope better over time? Just an idea so don’t get upset with me.

[Jaquaia]

There's no such thing as getting it out of my system

[Paula]

Stella’s got a point. No, you won’t get it out of your system, how could you? But you might be able to desensitise yourself over time which might help you cope with it better itms? Because the way things are runs the risk of destroying you, love

[Suzi]

How are you love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. In a bit of pain but will take it easy

[Suzi]

Properly easy or Jaq easy?

[Jaquaia]

I'm being good. J is off so have to be.

He's treated me to a Jane Austen hoodie and ot arrived this morning! (inlove)

[Stella180]

I saw the pic. Very nerdy. I approve.

[Suzi]

It's fabulous! :)

[Jaquaia]

I love it!!! Need to get a thicker version though, it's more lightweight

[Paula]

It is pretty cool

[Suzi]

How are you doing love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. I grabbed myself some daffodils yesterday and they're all opening so they're making me smile. Had lots of hugs from A too and I suspect that I have chocolate on my cheek from when she kissed me after having eaten a chocolate hobnob!

[Paula]

Awwwww

[Suzi]

I love daffodils! They are amazing to make you smile!

Hooray for hugs - especially chocolatey sticky ones!
How are you today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Kids are misbehaving so refused to take either of them in the shop with me when we popped for a few bits. Would be handy if the cat poohed less as his litter weighs a lot!!! Carrying 2 3 litre bottles, assorted other bits and a 10l bag of cat litter hasn't done my hands or elbows much good!

[Paula]

Hmmmm

[Suzi]

Why are you carrying all of that? Surely it'd have been better to all go and everyone share the carrying, but maybe just not buy treats etc?

[Jaquaia]

Because it's one person per household in a shop and I didn't get a trolley as I got more than I intended

[Suzi]

Oh hunni.... But maybe next time it might be better to send J or get a delivery order for the heavy stuff?

[Paula]

Then perhaps next time you need to put some back? Or send J? I know how hard it is to accept, but you can’t keep putting your body through chores that it’s just not up to......

[Stella180]

What Paula said. Please don’t push yourself to the point it causes you pain.

[Jaquaia]

I bought some tulips to go with my daffodils
https://www.dropbox.com/s/8gcwb71fkxul722/20210315_111200.jpg?raw=1

[Strugglingmum]

They're gorgeous.

[Suzi]

So pretty!

How are you doing love?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. Emotionally exhausted. I started taking tea through last night, saw the bag waiting on the table and had to go back through to the kitchen as I knew I was going to cry. When I finally opened the bag I ended up crying again. Poor kids didn't know what was going on.

[Paula]

The bag? What did I miss?

[Jaquaia]

The present from the kids

[Paula]

Ah, I thought you’d opened that, sorry

[Jaquaia]

They were at their mums all day so J decided it was too much of a rush to sort it in the morning and Abbie suggested surprising me with it while I was in the kitchen

[Suzi]

I thought it was lovely! I'm not surprised you cried!

[Stella180]

I bet it made your day.

[magie06]

How are you?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok thanks magie! Plodding along. It's good to see you back!

[magie06]

Thanks. I have turned a corner, so I decided you all needed me again!

[magie06]

How are the kids?

[Jaquaia]

They're doing ok. Nightmares from both of them occasionally but they feel safe here.

[Suzi]

Thanks. I have turned a corner, so I decided you all needed me again!
We ALWAYS need you!


They're doing ok. Nightmares from both of them occasionally but they feel safe here.
That's an amazingly positive thing to say. Providing them somewhere they feel safe is awesome.

[magie06]

It is awesome that they feel safe with you. It shows what you have built up with them. They are lucky to have you. Is T still acting up?

[Jaquaia]

Occasionally but we stamp on that pretty quickly.

[Suzi]

Kids need security and boundaries and consequences. They need to be loved and respected and you do all of that fairly from what you've said here...

[Jaquaia]

I upset A tonight as I told her off for not paying attention during stories as she was playing with teddies instead. She chose 'The Secret Garden' but has been struggling with the language and hadn't said. I explained that even I sometimes don't finish books and we can start another and read it when she's a bit older.

[magie06]

I love that book. But yeah, some of the words are confusing.

[Jaquaia]

I'd also forgotten how racist it was in parts!

[Suzi]

Absolutely.... We've done the same thing. You could try one of our favourites when mine were little - Charlotte's Web ;)

[Jaquaia]

I've ordered her the next 3 'Naughtiest Unicorn' books. We got her the first one for her birthday and she loved it.

[Paula]

My kids loved Horrible Histories (still do tbh)

[Suzi]

Mine still love those too Paula!

I love that you're sharing stories! Mine also loved all the Rainbow Fairy series ;)

[Jaquaia]

I've never read Charlotte's Web myself! I've been looking at the Rainbow Fairies books too.

Paula, Thomas has those so it's definitely an option!

[Suzi]

How have you not read Charlotte's Web? It's a fabulous story! You'd love it! Rainbow fairies are simple, easy, all follow a similar plot theme but Hazel had nearly all of them at one point!

[magie06]

I know Enid Blyton went out of fashion in the 80's, but A loved all of the Far Away tree and Mr. Pickwick stories. Easy to read too.

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure, it's just never one I came across. I've never read the Magic Faraway Tree either!

Magie I loved Enid Blyton! I want the Famous Five and Secret Seven series to re-read!

[Stella180]

I know I real a lot of Enid Blyton as a kid but can barely remember any of them in any detail.

[Jaquaia]

I went through the local libraries full collection as a child, plus Roald Dahl and Nancy Drew.

[Stella180]

I do remember a special deal at a local video store at a kid wher every time you hired a Disney movie you got a sticker on a card, can’t remember what you got for a full card but I must have watched every single Disney movie available at the time.

[magie06]

I have the famous five series from 1 to 16 and I'm looking for the rest too. I've re-read them very recently.

[Suzi]

I reread them too! And shared them (and others) with mine. One of Hazel's favourite books was "Gobbolino the witches cat." :)

[Jaquaia]

Oooh! The m-i-l got A 'Adventures of the Little Wooden Horse' by the same author for World Book Day

[Paula]

My favourite was Mallory Towers

[magie06]

I loved them too Paula. I even wanted to go to boarding school.

[Jaquaia]

Never read Mallory Towers!

[Suzi]

Jaq, you've missed some amazing books! I instruct you to read all of them!

[Jaquaia]

They're on my list!

[Suzi]

Move them to the top of your list and share them with A!

[Stella180]

You could both read them together for the first time. That would make it really special for the two of you.

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to keep an eye open for them.

Struggling to settle today. It's my last chance to get a good few hours work done until Tuesday and struggling to focus.

[Suzi]

What's stopping you from settling? Mental or physical?

[Jaquaia]

More mental I think. I'm tired and struggling to concentrate. I'm restless too

[Suzi]

Have you tried to get everything out of your head to allow you to be able to settle a bit? Or go and do something different?

[Jaquaia]

I've been pottering around a bit, went to the shop too so had some fresh air

[Stella180]

Go and feed Toby, lol

[Suzi]

How are you doing now love?

[Jaquaia]

Got some notes down and have put it away. If I force myself to work when I can't focus I'll make a mess, so we're watching My Family. Tomorrow I have an Easter chick to make with A for a village trail and I'll work once they're in bed.

[Suzi]

Well done for not forcing yourself lovely...
How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

Tired but not as much. We've done the chick and done 2 streets of the village for the Easter trail, lazy afternoon now. Going to stick the meat in for tea and can forget about it for a couple of hours

[Suzi]

That sounds like a fun morning!

[Jaquaia]

It was except I realised around 1 that I'd missed my morning meds....

[Suzi]

Oh no! How late were you?

[Jaquaia]

About 4 hours... and that includes pregabalin.... might explain why I've been very irritable today!

[Paula]

Oh yuck, totally empathise.... (bear)

[Suzi]

Oh no! I really, really empathise too. I know how much it messes me up if I'm a could of hours late.. (bear)

[Jaquaia]

We've made a point of being sat down ready for Line of Duty so relaxing now.

[Stella180]

Are you going to have a chance to crack on with your uni work tomorrow? Don’t you have an assignment due Tuesday?

[Suzi]

I'm glad you sat down! Loving this series of LofD ! :)

How are you today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Are you going to have a chance to crack on with your uni work tomorrow? Don’t you have an assignment due Tuesday?

Yeah, they're being picked up at 4 and J is on nights so I have tonight and all day tomorrow.


I'm glad you sat down! Loving this series of LofD ! :)

How are you today lovely?

Tired. I was woken up by a 6 year old flopping over me to get in the middle

[Stella180]

That’s the best kind of being woken up.

[Paula]

Awwww bless her!

[Suzi]

Morning snuggles are awesome!

[Jaquaia]

Assignment in with 2 hours to spare! Utter waffle but I had something to submit at least. Before A left we planted her last 2 sunflowers, chinese aster, cosmos, snapdragon and schizanthus so hoping they start coming up! They currently sat on the outside table to get some sun. Have my second wash in and my first on the line... I'm so excited I got to hang it out!!! Back door is wide open too and Toby is in and out exploring! Might as well enjoy it as apparently tomorrow we're back down to barely double figures. If I didn't need to use my laptop I'd work outside!

[Suzi]

Can you not take your laptop outside?
Well done for getting the assignment in, that's brilliant.
Sounds like you and A have been really busy!

[Jaquaia]

We've only planted 1 tray, the garden needs sorting but it will be nice to get some colour in this year.

I wouldn't see the screen!!!

[Paula]

Yay! Well done getting the assignment in!

[Suzi]

Have you had a break yet?

[Jaquaia]

Yes! We've been binge watching My Family, put some branches in the bin, found an erm... "excitable" stick man and had tea. Oh and the seeds have already started growing!

[Stella180]

Your stick man had wood lol

[Suzi]

(rofl) at your stickman!

[Jaquaia]

Ok. Things are shit at the moment. I've had stomach ache for a few days, my body needs to decide if TOTM is starting or not as this is uncomfortable. And I've run out of pregabalin as the pharmacy hasn't been able to get hold of it! Taken 2 tablets instead of 3 the last 3 days and had none at all today. Picking up my prescription today though, they told me to request the 25mg tablets from my GP so that was sorted yesterday and picking them up this afternoon!

[Stella180]

Awww mate that sucks. Silly question but are you taking things easy?

[Jaquaia]

Just sat doing a bit of uni work. Have to pop to my mums to top up her meds buf as I start driving lessons in 2 weeks I don't need to do as much

[Paula]

Oh no re pregablin, that’s tough on your body.....

[Suzi]

Omg ouch... Pregablin is so hard (and can be dangerous) to stop. You poor thing - genuinely. I know how I am if I'm an hour late, oh sweetheart (panda).. In future you could try calling other pharmacies to see if they have it and have an emergency prescription done there?

[Jaquaia]

This is an emergency prescription. I collected the rest on Monday and they told me it would be in within the next day or so. When I hadn't heard yesterday I rang the pharmacy myself and got straight on to the doctors. They've had my original prescription since the 22nd.

[Suzi]

That's awful!

[Paula]

There are some drugs they must know they can’t piss about with. This is one of them :@

[Stella180]

WTF! That’s just not good enough.

[Jaquaia]

I have them now. I am very irritable and have a very short fuse and feel sick though.

[Stella180]

Yeah well remember this isn’t going to be an overnight fix so please take it steady mate.

[Suzi]

All withdrawal symptoms. I'm glad you've got them now lovely, but hunni please, please, please take things easy.

[Paula]

It normally takes me a good 48 hours to recover so please be kind to you, hunni

[Jaquaia]

I'll mainly be reading or doing stuff with the kids. I only get chance to study on a night when they're here. And J has noticed how it's affected me so he'll make sure I rest. Doesn't help that J got his dad to be here for the kids while we got my prescription and he came across with 4 big bags of chocolate for easter. One for me and J, one for T, one for A and one full to the brim with boxes of mini easter eggs for a egg hunt for the kids. The kids aren't here on Sunday and they haven't actually rang us and checked that we didn't have plans or asked what we've done for them. It feels like whatever we do for the kids, they'll undermine us by going over the top. So we're not doing an egg hunt and sticking with what we planned, which is chick trail round the village and a long walk so A can see the lambs. Sod them.

[Suzi]

Could it just be that they were trying to help?

[Jaquaia]

They sent over 91 portions of chocolate for the children. How is that helping?

[Suzi]

Wow, that's more than I was imagining! That's enough for the whole village - or the whole school when I went to a village primary school and with some left over for all the staff!

[Paula]

Good grief....l

[Jaquaia]

I think T may have added up wrong. There's 85 portions. Between 2 children. And that's after we've told them T is massively overweight for his age, and that's after we've checked height and weight on the NHS site. Above the 98 percentile...

[Suzi]

I remember when ours were really little we were still using Easter chocolate in baking etc months later.... It was ridiculous!
That's a lot of chocolate...

[Jaquaia]

That's the plan. Coming on top of my med mess up I haven't got the patience to deal with any of it

[Strugglingmum]

You could package some of it up and get the kids to leave a small parcel of chocolate on each of the neighbours doorsteps with a little Happy Easter note. Elderly neighbours especially would live it and it helps the kids share

[Stella180]

My mum used to buy an entire box of eggs off the pop man. I’ll have been a big chocolate lover, and a box of 12 Easter eggs of various sizes for just one child was mental. I’d invite friend over to help me eat it all. A school friend once.bought me a big bar of dairy milk as a gift and she got upset cos I hadn’t eaten it straight away. It took me 9 months to eat it.

[Suzi]

I like SM's idea. I'm sure you've people in the village who might like them?

[Jaquaia]

I don't really know many people in the village yet, and the ones I do have grown up children.

[Suzi]

A local woman's refuge? We have a group around here who distribute to those who are need - do you have something like that? Foodbank?

[Jaquaia]

No idea really. I'd assume so

[Suzi]

Although, you could adopt the "not my problem" attitude and get James to sort it...

[Jaquaia]

I suggested sending them to Cruella since they're with her on Easter Sunday but J wasn't keen. Turns out he wasn't keen as he knows she'd hit the roof if she saw how much they'd bought.

[Paula]

I don't really know many people in the village yet, and the ones I do have grown up children.

That made me giggle. Apparently I’m a grown up and I’d be very happy to have chocolate parcels appear on my doorstep (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

Half of what annoyed me so much is I have very little will power!!!

[Stella180]

Dress J up as the Easter bunny and get him to deliver them to less privileged kids.

[Suzi]

Or just go hide them round the village and let everyone have a huge hunt!