View Full Version : That sinking feeling
magie06
10-02-21, 12:27 PM
I got to 21 donations before I was told I'd have to give up. They are protecting you and potential recipients
magie06
13-02-21, 10:45 PM
How are you?
Stella180
13-02-21, 10:46 PM
Not great but I’ve been worse.
magie06
13-02-21, 10:56 PM
Sleep? Diet? Drinking water? Getting some exercise?
Stella180
13-02-21, 11:59 PM
Sleep is all over the place, eating and drinking ok, not enough energy for exercise. I’ll get myself back on track somehow.
Stella180
14-02-21, 02:41 AM
Looks like tonight is another bad night where sleep is concerned. Got my headphones on playing some tunes. Might switch to an audio book cos they usually help my to dose off. Fingers crossed.
Did you get any sleep? How are you doing?
I was just going to ask the same thing! what a miserable night you had!
Stella180
14-02-21, 10:36 AM
Yeah I slept eventually.
Stella180
14-02-21, 12:34 PM
Tired. Low.
Want to talk about what's going on in your head?
Stella180
14-02-21, 05:13 PM
Right this very minute I’m frustrated with myself. For the second time this week I have attempted to cook myself a decent meal, and twice I have burnt the potatoes. Add that to the food I put in the microwave and forgot to eat I’m feeling pretty damned useless.
Stop, and start again. What are you trying to cook?
Stella180
14-02-21, 05:53 PM
It doesn’t matter now, I managed to salvage something. I’m just really annoyed with myself.
I can understand that. Most things I've touched today I've dropped or made a mess of! Hunni, you have so much going on in your head that things are going to get missed lovely... Please try to be kind to you...
Stella180
14-02-21, 08:31 PM
It’s just so hard not to feel like a failure when I keep messing up the simple thing. I set 3 alarms plus the cooker timer today and still ended up letting the pan boil dry! I’m trying to address these things to avoid making mistakes but still I end up being distracted and screwing things up and I’m sick of it. I’m a walking disaster zone.
What things are you getting distracted by?
Stella180
14-02-21, 10:02 PM
That’s the thing, it could be anything. It’s not a conscience choice I’m just not able to keep my focus on anything lately so find my self flitting from one thing to another and I don’t even remember all of it. I’ve always struggled maintaining focus when my heads not in a great place. It’s like I’ve gone back in time to the struggles of a few years ago just without the extreme mood swings and emotional outbursts.
OK then let's keep it simple... Keep talking. Is this because you aren't able to go out or is it something different?
Can you simplify tasks to make it less likely there’s a problem? Just while your mind is full of more important things? Eg, rather than boiling potatoes, can you do jackets in the microwave? Then, if you’re distracted, the microwave will stop anyway so you can’t overlook things?
Stella180
15-02-21, 12:40 PM
After leaving the soup I heated in the microwave the other day, even that’s not a guaranteed solution. It’s not just cooking. I’m almost scared to do anything cos I keep messing everything up. I do the washing up and the moment I Chuck the water away and find more stuff somewhere else that I’d forgotten about. Same with the laundry, missing stuff out of the wash or putting stuff in the dryer that I shouldn’t have done. I’m trying to keep my head above water but I’m struggling.
I do those things all the time too... Sweetheart can you do something to help calm your mind a bit? Mindfulness? Meditation? T'ai Chi?
Stella180
15-02-21, 02:34 PM
I just feel so useless. 45 yrs old and still unable to look after myself as well I need too. It’s frustrating because I know I am capable of doing these things properly. As individual tasks they are not difficult. I’m not stupid so why do I make a pigs ear of everything? Why do I make so many silly avoidable mistakes? I hate that I’m unraveling the the harder I try to stop myself completely falling apart the worse it gets and the bigger failure I become and the more I hate myself. I end up shutting down and not doing anything which is harmful in itself cos there is no one around to pick up the slack.
But these things are all understandable, forgivable and, much as you won’t believe me, they don’t matter. What matters much, much, much more is that you stop beating yourself up over the little things. So, you left soup in the microwave. The world did not fall apart. You didn’t wash up every mug. You’ve got other mugs, I’m sure! The only thing that worries me is that you are being so mean to yourself because of the small stuff.....
Paula's right. You're going to struggle until at least one area of the things you are waiting for becomes resolved - be it the MR, you getting the vaccine and able to go out a bit more, the situation with the boys..... Etc... Maybe you need to learn to be kinder to you whilst at least something gets sorted...
Stella180
15-02-21, 07:07 PM
But until I go to appeal regarding PiP cos let’s be honest, MR is simply a stalling tactic on their part cos they won’t change their minds voluntarily, I can’t get the cleaners in or the car back on the road. I’m scared that I’ll lose that battle. I’m scared I won’t get to see my kids again. So many things are in the hands of complete strangers and I can’t do anything now to make a difference other then in my own home, looking after myself and I’m not doing a great job of that. All I wanna do is sleep and even that eludes me on occasion. I spend most of my days either in bed or lay on the sofa staring at my phone or the tv and I don’t even want to do anything else. Well I do but I don’t feel able to itms. I’m totally fed up with this life. I’m sick of having to fight for every little thing. I’ve had enough. I want it to be over.
And trying to do anything with all of that going round and round in your head is f*cking hard.
Can you try to build in doing things - what about things like your paracord makes or cards? Something that can help you focus on one thing at a time?
I’m making a pigs ear of everything just because my living room is all messed up. I’m not dealing with anything like you are - Be. Kind. To. You!
Stella180
16-02-21, 05:46 AM
I’m pretty sure I should be asleep at this hour rather than updating the info on my medication reminder app. At least it’s all up to date again now. It’s only taken me 8 days to do it :(
Stella180
16-02-21, 10:44 AM
Yeah I did, about 5 hrs. Got a stinking headache today. One grumpy Stella.
What's on your plan today?
Stella180
16-02-21, 11:13 AM
Nothing. Too tired and miserable to do anything.
(panda) What can I do to help?
Stella180
16-02-21, 11:47 AM
Nothing you can do. Today I’m going to have to push myself a bit harder I think to at least get some housework done and then many I will feel better about my surroundings and achieve something.
Just don't decide to sort the whole of it, please try to make it achievable...
What room would make the biggest difference for your MH? Can you just focus on doing something in that room? Clearing? Hoovering? But nothing more itms?
Stella180
16-02-21, 02:49 PM
Dodgy tummy stops play. It sucks.
(panda) (bear) Sorry love, it does suck...
Stella180
17-02-21, 12:54 PM
Does anyone have any idea what day it is any more? I’ve decided that today I’m going to get the covers off the sofa and get them washed along with the dogs bed. Later both me and the snuggle pup are having a shower cos the pair of us stink to high heaven. There are tons of other things that need to be done but today is not the day. I’m already knackered just filling the washing machine and turning it on.
I slept through the night til about 6am. Spent the morning playing games on my phone and having cuddles with Talia. Dozed off for 30 mins before kicking myself up the arse to do something productive before head back to my bed again. I feel so tired lately all of the time. No energy to do anything and no motivation either. I know what your going to say before you say it and all I ever seem to do is rest and it doesn’t help. I’m so fed up with my existence.
Well done for getting the washing machine on.I think that, plus the shower, is more than enough for today.
Have you put the stuff from the washing machine into the drier? (Just a reminder as I know Marc and I often forget lol)
Stella180
17-02-21, 06:43 PM
Yep it’s been dried and back where it belongs. The dog is clean so now it’s my turn. Only taken me all day.
Hey showering dogs take forever to work up to! I think you've done better than you think you have love...
I agree - I couldn’t even face frontlining my two earlier ...,,
Stella180
17-02-21, 11:26 PM
Talia loves bath times. It’s so funny watching her snapping at the water. She’s a daft bugger.
Stella180
18-02-21, 09:35 AM
I’m ok I think. Only been awake for an hour and trying to drag my arse outta bed instead of going back to sleep. I’m got a ton of washing up that has piled up over the past couple of days so that needs sorting before it gets outta control. Might even got my craft desk organised so I can make a few cards to stock up on. That’s going to be a challenge cos it’s a proper mess and I get stressed out over it.
You sound a little brighter. Are you?
Stella180
18-02-21, 12:14 PM
Not really. Still not made it downstairs other than letting Talia out. Covid jab is booked for next Saturday. Not sure how I feel about that still but I guess it needs to be done.
So glad you've got your vaccination booked love. Well done for letting Talia out... How are you doing now love?
I’m so glad you’re getting your jab. It is the right thing but I know how you’ve struggled with it ....
Stella180
18-02-21, 06:51 PM
I’m still not convinced that it can be called a vaccine when it only mutes the symptoms rather that prevent infection.
Just wondered why my stomach was rumbling and realised I’m not eaten yet today. I suppose I better rectify that.
That’s what most vaccines do. It’s to make your body fight better if you do get infected
Those I know who have had it with and without the vaccine has a massive difference in how badly they are affected and how quickly they get over it too.... I'm hoping I can have mine soon...
Stella180
18-02-21, 09:03 PM
Well as I said I’ve booked myself in and it’s happening a week on Saturday, I’ve called my sister to get her to take me to the surgery. She’s not in a great place today which is understandable. My brother’s partner has been in touch with her and my nephew called her to see how she was doing today too. Yet again nobody stopped to think about me and how I was coping. No surprise there and I should be used to it by now but it still hurts being left out. I know I wasn’t really involved in my brothers life for a long while but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care about him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the loss.
It doesn't mean that at all, I'm sorry that no one contacted you love. You deserve better.
How are you today love?
Stella180
19-02-21, 12:32 PM
I’m not great. Spent the morning lazing around playing games on my phone and snuggling with Talia.she really does give the best cuddles.
What can you do which will be positive for you?
Stella180
19-02-21, 01:12 PM
I just received a letter from the hospital regarding the “Psychological Skills Course” they told me about back in June/July of last year. They have finally sorted the online platform. A YouTube channel. Yep, after an 8 month wait I get to watch a Youtube video at home. Alone. No support. An absolute waste of bloody time.
So this afternoon will involve watching the first video when I’m not watching the snooker.
Oh no, I hope it’s better than you think it’s going to be....
Stella180
19-02-21, 01:26 PM
I can’t imagine it possibly being any worse. I contacted them a few weeks ago stating I’d not heard anything and didn’t even get a callback and now I get this. I’m still awaiting counselling, this is supposed to be a stop gap while on the waiting list but after having to wait 8 months for a link to a Youtube channel I’m really bloody annoyed.
I'd be annoyed too. Can you contact them and see what else is going on that you can have?
Stella180
19-02-21, 10:11 PM
Oops. My alarm just went off for my bedtime meds and I realised I’ve not had dinner yet. 2 apples and a few biscuits is all I’ve had today :(
Oh hunni...
How are you today?
Stella180
20-02-21, 09:51 AM
Upset. A 9 year old boy died on Thursday under “suspicious circumstances” as was reported in the local newspaper. A man and woman have been arrested, him for murder and her for neglect, presumably the mother and her partner however that wasn’t confirmed. Anyway, that wasn’t what upset me. It was the hideous comments that have been left on the mother’s FB page. How they didn’t “breach Facebook policy” I do not know but they were left for this woman’s friends and family and the world to see. Still nobody knows the full facts but people think it’s perfectly ok to write these awful things and Facebook have done nothing about it. So much for their algorithms. I crack a joke with the word b!tch in it and get a 30 day ban but someone making death threats is perfectly acceptable. I am really really beginning to hate social media and what it does to people.
Perhaps it would help you if you unfollowed all those groups and pages that are going to trigger you? I rarely actually read the comments on my local newspapers page as I know I’m going to be upset by what is said. Just a thought to maybe reduce your risk of being triggered?
Stella180
20-02-21, 10:23 AM
Its the way of the world though isn’t it? People use social media as a weapon, to attack and bully people they’ve never met over things they know nothing about and think it is their right to be able to stick their nose into someone else’s business and that their opinion trumps all others. The internet was a great invention allowing us to connect the world over, to meet live minded people and make new friends we might never have known before but instead of being a i great tool of knowledge and positive connections it is increasingly becoming a much darker place and turning otherwise good people into monsters.
Some people are just hideous and think it's fine to sit behind the keyboard and type wtf you want with no consequences....
I agree, but I choose to protect myself by not going down those rabbit holes. Probably cowardly but I just can’t deal with it
Stella180
20-02-21, 01:12 PM
The problem with your strategy Paula, which may well work for you, is my whole life is literally online. My support structure is online, my social interaction is online. I don’t have people in the real world, especially now, to interact with. If I started shutting myself off from the ASD groups, local news, etc. I’d be limiting myself even further. Everybody here, with the exception of Mike, has family and loved ones for company throughout lockdown but when you have no one it’s so much harder. I’m just grateful to have Talia but it’s not the same as having human company ever if it is via a keyboard and screen.
You're right, it is very different if you are living alone...
Stella180
21-02-21, 07:37 PM
I’m having pain in my hand today, just before the wrist, thumb and index finger area, possibly arthritis affecting my trapezoid joint. It especially sucks as it is my right hand. It’s only a small niggle but so frustrating cos it affects everything I do from sending a text to opening a screw top lid/packet of crisps or squeezing a ketchup bottle. Think I’ll apply some Ibugel and have an early night with my headphones on and enjoy some tunes. That at least won’t hurt.
You're really quiet atm. I know it's a horrible time full of anniversaries, but you know we're here for you I hope...
Stella180
21-02-21, 09:27 PM
I know you are but I’m ok. Well, maybe not great but there’s not really much to say about it. My relationship with my family has always been a bit...complicated I guess is the best way to put it, but I still loved them and miss them.
Morning lovely. Thinking of you today.
Stella180
24-02-21, 07:53 PM
Today I got 3 letters. One was a hard copy of the work book for the online psych course. If anyone is interested in the links to the course just ask. The second was telling me I’m under house arrest until 31st March, and the third was telling me to book my covid jab, which I did last week and I’m getting stabbed Saturday midday.
Another 5 weeks at least, without human interaction. Whoopie do! My eldest lads birthday is on 24th March so any chance I had of meeting up with him is definitely off the table not that it was likely to happen anyway. Just learned that my sister called and then went to see them this week as she was working nearby. They didn’t even ask about me. You have do idea how much that hurts.
Strugglingmum
24-02-21, 09:32 PM
What course is it you are doing??
I did one online during first lockdown..... I think it was The decider..... I just remember the big breath and STOP.
Stella180
24-02-21, 10:25 PM
Psychological Skills course. It looks like a basic CBT based thing, which it a joke considering the last group therapist made a note that CBT is more of a trigger to me and should be avoided but these days CBT is the go to solution for everything. It’s so annoying because if I had a bad reaction a form of medication they would make sure not to give it to me again but when is comes to mental health services they don’t care and keep forces CBT down your throat regardless of the consequences.
I really, really hope that it’s so much more than you’re worried it will be. Resources are hugely limited right now so you’ve probably be put on the course they have available atm, but you deserve to have support that’s actually going to help you. I know you’ll put everything you can into this...
I'm sorry about D going to see the boys love. Did you know she was going?
I got the shielding letter and covid fab invitation yesterday too.
How are you today love?
Stella180
25-02-21, 09:57 AM
No I didn’t know. She called them when she found out she was going to be working nearby. She pointed out how grown up Martin was and how is voice has changed and sounds he like a grown man, he’s doing great and asked her if she could go visit and go for a socially distanced walk with him. No mention of me what so ever. It’s great that they at least have some contact with someone from my side of the family but it really hurts so bad that it can’t be me. I’m their mother and I accept my failings in that role in the past but I love those boys with all my heart and miss them both so much.
Oh love, I genuinely don't have words to say how much I want to grab hold of you for a hug right now...
Stella180
27-02-21, 09:23 AM
Today I get my covid jab.
If vaccines really do cause autism, does that mean that today I get an upgrade? Lol
Super autism is already one of your superpowers! How'd it go?
Stella180
27-02-21, 03:07 PM
Got there early and went straight through, was asked if I had COPD (cos of having mask exemption) got jabbed even got a sticker!!! Was over in about 2 minutes and I was out the door. No reactions as of yet to see how it goes.
Yay! Glad that it has been done and sorted!
Stella180
27-02-21, 11:25 PM
Just spent the last 2 hours on the phone with one of my Aspie friends. He’s a lovely lad and had a few issues himself decently. We chatted about Marvel and DC and anime and family and work and mutual friends. It feels good to talk random crap about stuff and smile about it.
Good. Happy banter with friends is just what you need at the moment to lift your spirit. It's good for all of us. Have a better day today.
So glad you had a good chat with him love.
Stella180
07-03-21, 07:40 PM
Does anyone else have issues with there sense of smell? A few times now I thought I could smell things that weren’t there. This evening is a classic example. Doors and windows closed, I’m a non smoker but I can smell tobacco
Sometimes... There have been times we can smell Marc's Nan's perfume, but she passed away years ago etc...
Yes, sometimes I can smell my mum's perfume...weird isn't it?
Morning love, how are you today?
Stella180
08-03-21, 10:36 AM
Ok. I was hoping in be a bit more motivated today as I have lots to do.
What's on the agenda then?....I hardly slept a wink last night, I think I twisted a muscle in my back...so up at 4.45am. Stripped the bed, sheets on the line...made 6 trays of flapjacks (hate doing them) hoovered through....oh, and made a large tray of Rocky Road...been up the shop. Now I'm knackered and it serves me right for not leaving spaces between chores! Don't forget to have a drink between each job! Don't be a silly moo like me!(giggle)
Stella180
08-03-21, 11:58 AM
Well so far I’ve managed to sort my meds (which I should have done yesterday), I need to do some washing up as I’ve not done any all weekend. General tidy up in the living room and run the hoover and mop over it. I could do with changing my bedding too. I’m eager to try out my ice cream maker and I could really use a shower. Oh and I need to put the bins out.
Ice cream maker? Go you! :) Frozen bananas blended make great ice cream ;)
Stella180
08-03-21, 04:06 PM
Well I got as far as going up stairs and instead of changing the bedding I ended up getting into bed so I have achieved nothing this afternoon.
Why did you go back to bed rather than doing something different?
Ice cream maker? Fantastic.....I'd love one. Maybe I could make salted caramel IC...I think I must be the only person in Somerset who hasn't had salted caramel! ...Not to worry abut the H/Work....there's always tomorrow.
Stella180
09-03-21, 10:10 AM
I didn’t bother with the ice cream in the end last night wasn’t in the mood.
It’s taken me a while to get going this morning. I woke up at 6.30 but didn’t get outta bed until half an hour ago. Determined now to get at least a couple of things on my list checked off. Sorting a month of meds fills my waste paper bin. Not sure you needed to know that but still lol. Anyway, bins are out and washing up in progress. I’ve made a plan of how to tackle the living room and a load of washing in the machine for later once I’ve showered so what I’m wearing can go in too.
How's it going? Well done on getting a list together. Can you pace through it?
Stella180
09-03-21, 01:22 PM
Not got at far as maybe I should have. Got sidetracked watching The Gifted. After this episode I need to get back to it.
You've still done more than staying in bed and doing nothing ;) You're awesome.
Stella180
12-03-21, 04:22 PM
I’m finally getting around to my first attempt at making ice cream. I’ll let you know how it tastes a bit later.
Hope you love it. What flavour are you making first?
Stella180
12-03-21, 08:24 PM
Just vanilla this time but might make some chocolate at the weekend. It was ok, a bit too sweet for my taste so might adjust the recipe accordingly for the next batch.
Yum! Sounds like you can play around and make some lovely ice cream!
Stella180
12-03-21, 08:58 PM
Well it’s easy enough. milk eggs, caster sugar, cream and/or chocolate and vanilla essence. Mix it up, bung it in bowl and switch on the machine and about half hour later you have something that resembles Mr Whippy ice cream. I found a real easy recipe for 3 ingredients chocolate ice cream that doesn’t need a machine - double cream, condensed milk and cocoa powder. Chuck it in a bowl, hand mixer, in the freezer, job done. Even I can’t mess that up lol.
Lol! Or you can use frozen bananas and some icing sugar and flavourings ;)
Stella180
12-03-21, 09:58 PM
Even easier but why would you need icing sugar? Are the bananas not already high in sugar? I might have to give that a try. Make banana ice lollies.
So, you got yourself a machine then found recipes where you don’t need the machine? (giggle)
Stella180
12-03-21, 11:22 PM
Different types of ice cream ;)
How are you today lovely?
Stella180
13-03-21, 10:17 AM
I’m still in bed. Talia thought it a good idea to jump up on the bed to give me lovely cuddles and fell asleep on me. I really don’t want to move her cos I’m loving the cuddles.
Glad you're having lovely puppy cuddles!
Stella180
13-03-21, 10:31 AM
This is going to sound a bit silly maybe but I am seriously struggling with my hair. Obviously hair has grown quite a bit over lockdown for all of us but mine has reached a length where it is over my ears and tickles me, not in a fun way, and is driving me crazy. Another of those little things that build up and make me want to explode.
Doesn’t sound silly at all, mine is driving me round the bend.
Stella180
13-03-21, 04:39 PM
Is that down to your ADHD Suzi lol
Stella180
13-03-21, 06:50 PM
I’ve just had an hour of self care lay on the bed with my cans on, eyes closed and enjoying the tunes while Talia snuggled up with me. I was hoping in would help my to relax fully and although sensually it felt good I’m still a bit tense. I had to let her ladyship out for a wee and put her dinner out and was nice to hear the birds singing outside. I’ve got food in the house but nothing I actually want to eat so don’t know what to do.
Yay for self care!
Hope you do decide on something to eat lovely!
Stella180
13-03-21, 06:59 PM
I don’t even know what it is I actually want to eat, I just know I don’t have it in the house. Nothing nice to drink either. Craving some fruit juice but haven’t got any no point asking my sister to get me anything. She doesn’t like to go out after dark if she can help it. Living alone and shielding is bloody miserable.
(panda) (bear) (panda) I'm sorry love....
magie06
23-03-21, 12:38 PM
How are you?
Stella180
23-03-21, 01:19 PM
Hey there Magie, a better question is how are you?
I’m currently 3/4 of the way through the Snyder Cut of Justice League and apparent from Barry Allen still not being even slightly amusing it is awesome!
OO that's on my watch list too ;)
Si watched it the other day and loved it. I’m not a huge fan of Justice League so couldn’t face 4 hours....
Stella180
23-03-21, 02:23 PM
Oh Paula I promise you it is well worth the watch. This is the movie they should’ve released 4 years ago. It is easily on a par with Avengers End Game. The 2017 release is like a glorified trailer cos the best bits were left on the cutting room floor.
But I hate Batman, and am not a fan of Aquaman. I’m not sure even Henry Cavill could tempt me
Stella180
23-03-21, 02:31 PM
It’s definitely worth it. I didn’t totally hate the 2017 version, but this one is a million times better.
magie06
23-03-21, 04:29 PM
I've never got into any of those movies either. Just not my thing.
Stella180
23-03-21, 04:41 PM
Something you might not know about me but I kinda like Superman ;)
I may have accidentally knocked up a batch of chocolate ice cream. (giggle)
How's the ice cream?
You like Superman? I'd never have known!
Stella180
23-03-21, 06:29 PM
Ice cream is in the freezer. After licking the bowl clean I can say that it tastes very nice.
Stella180
23-03-21, 08:30 PM
Oh this was the really basic one.
600ml double cream
397g sweetened condensed milk
3 tablespoons of cocoa powder.
Whip up the cream to soft peaks, add condensed milk and cocoa powder and fold in with the cream. Transfer to suitable container and stick it in the freezer. Job done. Doesn’t get much easier than that, I’m trying a few different recipes to find my favourite.
And....... heart attack. But what a way to go ;)
Stella180
24-03-21, 08:28 AM
Not great. 17 years ago today my first child entered the world. I’d give anything to be able to celebrate his birthday with him.
I wish there was something I could do or say to make it easier for you. (bear) (bear) (bear)
Stella180
24-03-21, 09:03 AM
I’m getting lots of Talia cuddles which is about as good as it gets right now.
Thinking of you. Glad you have Talia x
Stella180
24-03-21, 12:04 PM
Had a couple of calls this morning. One from the county council to confirm that the request for financial support for my care has been confirmed and it looks like I won’t be required to make any contributions towards it due to my low income.
The other was from the OT who is coming round next week to look at any help I might need around the house. I’m going to see if I can contact the cleaners and get them back in from next week.
These are all positive things but I’m struggling to feel good about it.
That is good news, love, but totally understand why it doesn’t feel like it today
Those are great bits of news - which care support are you going to have? Cleaners and gardener?
I too can understand why it doesn't feel it today...
Stella180
24-03-21, 02:52 PM
There have been a lot of tears today. The hurt. The anger. The despair. Robert has a choice. If he wants to see me he can but he doesn’t. I don’t know his reasons but so far he’s chosen to stay away, to not contact me. He and I were so incredibly close when he was small, almost like we thought with the same mind and loved with the same heart. I couldn’t love him more if I tried. I wouldn’t say he was my favourite cos I love my boys equally but the bond between us was so strong. I understand he’s in an impossible position but I wish he would reach out. A text, a phone call, anything. I don’t wanna think about the possibility that he doesn’t want me in his life. That he’d rather not have a relationship with me. I already know what Martin thinks of me thanks to his Grandfather’s influence, to think Robert feels the same way I have to ask myself what’s the point in going on?
I know it has to be impossible, but hunni you don't know why he hasn't made those choices, there could be a million reasons why. Try not to judge....
Stella180
06-04-21, 11:16 AM
I think I've found a way of cutting Talia's medication costs. At the moment I'm paying between £18-£21 per month depending on with supplier the vet gets stock from. The vets have left me hanging this month and the same last month so I started looking into alternatives cos I'm sick on calling a week in advance to order them and stick going without cos it is taking so long for them to get back to me. If I get a prescription I can order online but the vet wants to charge me £12 to email it too me :@ so I've asked if I can have a longer term than a month. If they can do a quarterly script, even with their charges and delivery costs I can save 50%. Right now that is a huge defference and having 3 month supply at a time means I don't have to worry about going through the nightmare of re-ordering each month and being let down.Hopefully I should hear back later today.
Stella180
06-04-21, 04:36 PM
You’d think so wouldn’t you. I’m now out of medication for her, and they won’t issue the script without her being booked in for a consult first. She needs the meds in her system before bloods can be taken to check the dose is correct and she can’t be seen until Thursday. I’m getting pretty peed off with this vet right now. This is proving so much harder that it needs to be. If they had sorted this out last week like they should’ve everything would be fine.
IS it worth looking around for a different vet? Do you have a pdsa or similar vet near you?
I’m definitely with Suzi, find someone else....
Stella180
06-04-21, 09:16 PM
Unfortunately not around here. Its only the last couple of months it's gotten bad. I've just had to dash out to pick up a weeks worth of meds so there was enough to cover her until I could book her in. Managed to get an appointment for Thursday evening so only a couple of days to wait. Hopefully, after the bloods come back I’ll get a prescription for at least 3 months. Might as well get her nails clipped too while I’m there.
Can you ask for local recommendations?
Stella180
06-04-21, 09:38 PM
I know who the best vet in the area is but it’s not so easy to access cos they are the other side of the city.
There has to be a different one which is accessible to you?
Stella180
08-04-21, 05:54 PM
Ok hear we go. Talia has had her nail clipped and I have her quarterly worm and flea treatment. The vet tried to charge me £158 for blood tests. Needless to say the second word was off. After a bit of a "discussion" about the matter it was the receptionist who checked the details and confirmed the tests that were needed were included in the health plan I have in place. Comes to something when the person answering the phone knows more that the dude with the PhD. So bloods taken and awaiting results, should hear back tomorrow and then a 6 month prescription will be emailled to me ready to order the meds. I've worked out that the cost of the meds via the vet would be approx. £120 for 6 months. Going direct to the supplier, £43.20 with free delivery. It's a no brainer really.
And now for the best news of all. I had the little monster weighed. Last time she was weighed was back in the summer and she was 16.5kgs. the ideal weight for her breed is between 11.5 and 15kgs. Todays weigh in *drumroll please*... 14.5kgs!!! The vet was happy with her weight, and muscle tone and other than her thyroid she is a healthy pup and looking good for her age. I am so chuffed for her. She's definitely earned herself a cheeky treat tonight. She's worn herself out with all the nervous energy at the vets and is currently snoring on her bed. So proud of my beautiful little snuggle pup.
Wow that's awesome!!! Well done you and your Snugglepup!
That's outrageous how much they charge - esp if it's already included!
Stella180
08-04-21, 07:34 PM
Last year when we were looking at diagnosis they wanted to do £900 worth of tests and for me to get a loan for £1500 incase further tests were needed! Thankfully I spoke to the manager who suggested doing it one test at a time and it was all sorted for less that £100. They are reasonably priced overall but I get a feeling they are selling on for additional services that aren’t always essential.
She's doing so brilliantly!
Stella180
08-04-21, 10:14 PM
I’m so incredibly proud of her it’s unreal. She has turned my world around since she came to live with me and I don’t know what I’d do without her now. I’m so incredibly grateful that Jaq and her mum trusted me to take her on, especially after all that happened with Max. My confidence was completely destroyed after I had to give him up and I still miss that boy so much. I was terrified of letting them and Talia down so to have got such brilliant news today from the vet to say she’s doing great and we’ve reached target weight thanks to changing her food, regular exercise and most importantly getting her thyroid under control. She’s a treasure and I love her to bits.
Stella180
09-04-21, 11:11 AM
For the first time in... I don’t even remember how long, I woke up this morning feeling really good. I had lots and lots of cuddles and kisses with Talia this morning, make myself a hot drink (not something I do that often) and have sat watching music videos on YouTube all morning and absolutely loving it. Got my AirPods in so cranking up the tunes and I’m in my element. After the good news about the snuggle pup yesterday and having a lovely chat with the boss lady last night it’s put me in a really good mood. Just going to take it easy and enjoy the things I love most music and the furry faced cuddle monster.
Hooray!! I can't love this post of yours enough!!!!!
OldMike
10-04-21, 11:25 AM
I love that post too :)
Stella180
15-04-21, 02:14 PM
Today I have been out. I mean out out! I started out with the intention of going to the corner shop for milk and cornflakes but then I got brave and I thought, no I’ll get a bus down to Lidl. Then I thought sod it, I may as well go into town and get my hair cut while I’m out. Because of the wait time at the hair dresser rather then go home I decided to get some lunch and sit on a bench and eat it in the sunshine. I’ve been on another bus ride just for the hell of it. Yep, 2hrs of just hanging out in the city centre while waiting for an appointment to have my hair cut.
Well done you! The things we do spontaneously are more often than not far nicer than the planned things! Pleased you had a lovely time.
Stella180
16-04-21, 08:01 AM
I’d forgotten what my ears looked like! So glad to get chopped. I feel slightly more human again now. It’s the longest I’ve left Talia alone in months and when I got home, to say she way pleased to see me is an understatement. I walked up the stair to the bathroom and she darted up ahead of me climbed up me and gave me lots of kisses. I think she missed me.
Awwww!
How are you today?
Stella180
16-04-21, 09:17 AM
Not great. This afternoon is the court hearing about the boys
What time? Will be with you in spirit love...
Stella180
16-04-21, 12:08 PM
I thought it was around 2.45pm but according to one of the emails it’s 4pm. Probably confused it with the one that was delayed last time.
Will be thinking of you. I know that although it's most likely going to be an adjournment you must be terrified of it.
Stella180
16-04-21, 03:14 PM
It’s not happening now.
Stella180
16-04-21, 04:11 PM
It’s been adjourned. Again.
Stella180
24-04-21, 11:21 AM
Does anyone else get anxious about appointments hours before it's time to leave? I got up at 8.15 this morning. I have an eye test booked at 12.50 and need to leave the house to catch the bus at 11.50 to be on the safe side. So why have I been on edge ALL MORNING! Constantly clock watching, unable to settle, panicking about missing the bus or being late the appointment.
Yessss! I'm guilty! I went to chiropodist on Thursday...up at 6am...worried about how painful it would be after so many weeks without work.
Had the runs...heart beating rapidly....totally irrational behaviour! All this because of a bloody foot appt.!! Oh, and worried in case I wanted a wee while I was there in case 'the facilities' were still closed, so had last drink at 10am...appt. at 2pm!!
Stella180
24-04-21, 11:42 AM
I've been up and down to the loo all morning. It's just a routine eye test.
Stella180
24-04-21, 04:03 PM
Not as I planned :(
Stella180
24-04-21, 09:34 PM
I took myself off to bed at 5pm and slept for 4hrs!!! Still feel knackered now. Anxiety is exhausting.
It really is. Glad you got some sleep though. Hope you sleep tonight.
Stella180
30-04-21, 09:49 AM
Got the guys coming to sort out the rails and stuff today. I'm not sure what time they are coming. I'm sure I was told but I've just forgotten. I don't know if the OT is coming too or not so a lot of uncertainty around today which means really anxious.
I can understand that love. Can you pace and do things to help soothe the anxiety as much as possible?
Stella180
30-04-21, 12:23 PM
he's been and gone. All done and not to my personal standards but when can I do. Off to hide in my bedroom and sulk for the rest of the day.
In what way is it not up to your standards?
Stella180
30-04-21, 06:16 PM
The one in the bathroom isn’t level and the rail on the stairs is higher than the other
Oh :( Well can you ask the OT to look at it and get it sorted?
Stella180
30-04-21, 09:43 PM
It’s just me being picky. A mate helped me pick up a new chair this afternoon and dug out some raisers they had in the shed and put those under the sofa for me. OMG it makes a huge difference. They aren’t perfectly suited but they do the job for now.
Things like that do make a massive difference. Hopefully by having some of these things it'll help make things easier....
Stella180
05-05-21, 04:37 PM
Great news for once! DWP called today and have conceded that theywere wrong and to avoid going to court they are "willing to reinstate my previous award" for the next 5 yrs. This is back dated to Jan so I am feeling incredibly relieved right now and glad this is sorted and a lot sooner than I expected. Looking forward to getting my car back on the road.
That's brilliant news! Well done love!
Is the car booked in yet? ;)
Stella180
08-05-21, 10:32 AM
Not yet but next week for sure when I know the funds are there. Been awake since 6.20am and been out to do a bit of shopping, and get the dog food. I’m absolutely knackered now. I was going to do it on the bus but I couldn’t carry as much back as I wanted to I walked round to my sisters in the rain and pinched her car. Desperately need a shower now and I still haven’t changed the bedding (job I was supposed to have done Monday but it was my birthday) gonna sit down with a drink first.
So are you pacing and resting today?
Stella180
08-05-21, 11:50 AM
I certainly am. I hope you are doing the same. How are you doing?
Stella180
08-05-21, 03:21 PM
I just went to the co-op to get bread cos I forget it earlier. Decided to grab some beer while a was there. I had every intention of buying alcohol free when I noticed something that made no sense. Heineken 0% (4 bottles) - £3.35, Bud Light 3.5% (4 bottles) - £3.00. How is that even possible?
Stella180
11-05-21, 12:37 PM
Car is booked in for 10.45am tomorrow. Exciting times. Can’t wait to got her back on the road and take advantage of lockdown restrictions being loosened. Can maybe arrange to meet up with a few Aspie friends and hang out. Maybe a road trip or two in the near future.
Stella180
11-05-21, 03:33 PM
Good news? Depends what it fails on. If it fails, which I expect it will.
My car needs it's MOT too...
Stella180
11-05-21, 06:05 PM
I’ve got a place who does testing for £35 which is handy it’s the cost of repairs that hurt.
Stella180
12-05-21, 01:26 PM
Failed on a wiper blade and a broken coil spring but being fixed today and should have it back later this afternoon. It’ll be so good to be back on the road again.
And in other news I have been selected for interview as a volunteer at the rugby World Cup later in the year. Booked the interview for Monday 24th May at 2pm. Normally I’d be dead nervous about something like this but I’m really excited. It’s just for one day at my chosen venue, Scotland vs Australia match but it would be amazing to be a part of such a huge sporting event.
That isnt bad for the mot though always nice if they go straight through, and brilliant for the interview good luck xx
Stella180
12-05-21, 01:42 PM
Yeah it’s not bad for a 15 year old car that has done 180k.
Stella180
12-05-21, 03:43 PM
Second covid jab booked for a week on Saturday. Be glad to get that out of the way.
Well done little car!
Hooray for the interview, that's awesome! I'm so glad you pushed yourself and applied!
Great news about the covid jab too.
Stella180
12-05-21, 07:56 PM
I know I’m probably getting far to over excited about this and you guys just don’t get it (with the exception of maybe Angie) but I am so happy to have my freedom back again. I love cars, I love driving, and I’m really chuffed that soo little was wrong with my car. It’s an old motor with a lot of miles and the 2 1/2 years I’ve had her I’ve had very little go wrong. It’s been killing me having a car or the driveway and not being able to use it thanks to DWP. Finally being able to get out on the road and go where I want to go whenever I want to go is so refreshing. I drove over to look at a sofa tonight I am thinking of buying and I didn’t have to take 2-3 buses, or beg my sister to borrow her car. I can work to my own timetable and it feels amazing. Be warned! If I have your address I may well turn up on your door step sometime soon lol.
I get it. My car's been off the road for a while....
I totally get it, my car is curently off road needs a new power steering module, and being off sick doesn't help, plus not up to driving either, so totally get your excitement
Stella180
13-05-21, 09:01 AM
Meh. The excitement has worn off and I’m back to feeling a bit down in the dumps.
:s Cheer up!!.....I'm expecting an Amazon delivery of some new car mats for Peggy Sue....can't wait to put them in. What a saddo I am!
Treat your car to some!(nod)
Stella180
13-05-21, 09:23 AM
I really need to clean out the interior. So much junk I can’t even see the floor.
I usually take a brew out with me stick some tunes on and sit and clean mine out.
I normally get Marc to sort Daisy ;)
Stella180
13-05-21, 11:25 AM
I need a Marc in my life lol
We all need a Marc! Ian's car is full of puff pastry shards! He eats pies and sausage rolls in it and dumps the bags on the back seat! Slovenly git!
Stella180
13-05-21, 12:35 PM
That still sounds better than my car lol
Ahh, he doesn't do it very often lol
Stella180
18-05-21, 10:16 PM
Well I’ve taken the plunge and bought a new sofa on line. Via a retailer on eBay. It was within my price range, dimensions were within my requirements and it’s a manual recliner. Doesn’t have all the gadgets and stuff but do I really need any of it? Not really. I just need something comfortable to sit. Something that is mine. The only piece of furniture I have left from my parents once the sofa is replaced is the dining table. And that doesn’t really got used.
Well done for sorting something and putting your needs first love. I know it's hard, but it's so important that you have somewhere comfy....
Stella180
20-05-21, 02:07 PM
Ok so this just happened. I signed up for ticket info for the women’s euros next year. The only time in my life I have been to a football match was an England vs Japan ladies back in 2013. I’m a huge footy fan but the thought of tens of thousands of people in a stadium is scary which is why I’m just an armchair fan but I really want to do this. I have my access card so gonna put it to good use. Just need someone to go with me.
Sorry, not going to be me lol. But I am proud of you for signing up :)
Definitely not going to be me either, but I'm also really proud of you!
Stella180
24-05-21, 12:11 PM
Just under 2 hrs until my interview and I’m kinda excited
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