View Full Version : That sinking feeling
Stella180
03-01-21, 07:53 PM
Think of it like the first big lockdown in March. You really wanted to go get a hair cut or your nails done or go to the gym but it didn’t matter how much you wanted it you simply could not do it. That’s what it’s like in my head at times like this but instead of the government stopping me doing stuff it’s my own mind.
Strugglingmum
03-01-21, 07:54 PM
Sounds like a hot bath kind of night.
Stella180
03-01-21, 07:56 PM
Even running a bath is too much effort and far more luxurious than I deserve. Maybe tomorrow.
Strugglingmum
03-01-21, 08:01 PM
Um I think you'll find that a hot bath is not something you have to earn.....ie you deserve one just by being, not doing. Xxx
Hope you find some peace.
SM is right. It's got nothing to do with "earning" it at all.... Go and get in the bath....
Stella180
03-01-21, 09:06 PM
Nah I cba. That can be my reward for getting a few things sorted tomorrow. Nothing too challenging but tonight I’m gonna watch the end of the darts and go straight to bed.
Fair enough... It shouldn't be a reward thing, just a you should have one because you want one...
Stella180
03-01-21, 10:04 PM
Yeah but we all need something nice to look forward too.
Stella180
04-01-21, 08:26 AM
Couldn’t sleep last night. Still awake at 3am. Phone rang at 7am, my sister had lost her keys and needed my spare. Was not impressed. Been trying to go back to sleep ever since.
Sorry you didn't sleep well... Does she lose keys often?
I hope you’re still having a lie in....
Stella180
04-01-21, 01:05 PM
Still lay in bed. Dropped off to sleep for a little while but I just feel really crappy now. My eyes are sore, head hurts and no energy. It ruined my plans to get stuff done today which I’m trying not to get upset about. It’s only the second time I’ve had to go round with a key and the first time was a false alarm. I’m just wondering if I called her at 7am needing help how long it would take for her to turn up. That’s assuming she even answered the call. She wouldn’t even have a spare key if it wasn’t for me paying for it. I’m just being grumpy. These things happen. I just wish these supper unexpected things didn’t through me out of sync so much cos after yesterday didn’t go well I wanted to make a change today and instead it’s another day of feeling useless.
You’re usefully giving yourself a day of self care to avoid even more time that you need to recover
There's nothing stopping you getting up and doing something that was on your list - something that is achievable....
Stella180
04-01-21, 04:58 PM
I got as far as taking the recycling out. Ate lunch and been catching up on His Dark Materials.
My finger splints just turned up. Hopefully that will bring me a bit of relief. Thanks for the recommendation Suzi.
Well done for the recycling! How far into HDM are you? Loving it?
Glad they turned up, hope it helps love.
Stella180
04-01-21, 06:37 PM
All caught up now and yeah it’s cool. Next on the agenda is Dr Who.
Stella180
11-01-21, 02:03 PM
Why do I always do it? Somebody in one of the groups I’m in was asking about Michael Jackson. Obviously maybe me commented on the post stating that I’m reluctant to talk about him despite my interest because of the negative and sometimes nasty comments that follow. A couple of people start show an interest in my opinion so I started to expand. By the time I’d finished typing my essay of a reply I saw a ton of messages about how he was an abuser child molester blah blah blah so now I’m feeling pretty crappy again.
Oh love, the thing is no-one knows for sure either way, apart from those who were there. I'm sorry that you feel crappy again love.... (panda)
Stella180
11-01-21, 02:24 PM
It just really annoys me that people are so happy to (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) on my parade. I absolutely adore MJ, his music, his dancing, everything and some people just have to be negative and nasty about it and don’t realise that actually it is quite hurtful. I would love to be able to have a regular conversation about my favourite music artist of all time without someone wading i with the paedo comments.
This is something we see happen more and more these days. When a public figure is being incriminated the public is more then happy to destroy someones career without even looking into it if its true or not. This is something we see happen all the time now. And then what puzzles me is why we do it to some and not to others?
It seems that today more and more people feel that if they have an opinion its the truth and everything else has no right to be. I can actually get real worked up about this
Stella180
11-01-21, 02:41 PM
You are spot on there mate. Don’t even get me started on “cancel culture”. We all seem to think it’s ok to say horrible things especially online, just cos all they see is a screen they forget it’s a real person on the other end reading the hateful stuff they write. I’m thinking about ditching social media again for a while. It’s supposed to bring people closer together but instead it’s tearing us all apart.
Stella180
11-01-21, 06:42 PM
I didn’t sleep well last night and I fell asleep on the sofa this afternoon but woke up with a stinking headache. After the farce in the post office this morning as well it’s not been a great start to the week.
What happened in the post office?
Has your headache lifted?
Stella180
11-01-21, 10:05 PM
How do I explain it? The local post office counter is inside a costcutter store. Only 4 ppl allowed inside to queue for the post office so I stood outside in a queue for about 30mins in the cold. When it was my turn to go it I said I needed an envelope but the stationary was costcutter stuff so had to pay for this separately. I then joined the queue again to be told I had to get to the back so 2 ppl behind me in the queue were served before me. When it was my turn the post mistress was moaning about the costcutter staff letting more customers in and that cos of covid it should be 4 ppl in the whole shop not just the PO. It’s a good sized store and can easily have more and still remain at a safe distance. She was moaning about a woman who brought her 2 young children into the shop and that it was against the rules then said due to my exemption I must be terrified of what was going on around me. I pointed out that everything was fine apart from having to stand outside in the cold for so long only to be pushed back in the queue to pay for a bloody envelope meaning I was exposed for longer than I needed to be and that was on her not anyone else. Didn’t get an apology but it did shut her up at least.
Oh love! I'm sorry! What a complete pita! Thank you for going through that for me. xx
Stella180
11-01-21, 11:23 PM
It annoyed me that she was moaning about everyone else and yet she was the biggest problem. How is a single mum supposed to leave two small children alone? The costcutter staff were perfectly right to allow their own customers in and were also helping to organise her customers too. I hate the attitude of some people during this pandemic. So quick to judge others but do nothing to try and improve situations.
Dealing with her is nothing compared to all you do for me and everyone else here. I just hope it will be of use to you. Better than just sitting in my house doing nothing. I wish I’d thought about it earlier.
(panda) How are you today lovely?
Stella180
12-01-21, 01:36 PM
When I first read this I was feeling incredibly anxious to the point where my chest was tight but I was stood in a long queue in Home Bargains. I’m home and settled now, even though the cleaner has rearranged my living room again! I picked up a “cone of chips” and saveloy. The portion size again was ridiculous. Why do they give you so much food? I mean I’m all for value for money but not when it becomes wasteful.
Oh and yesterday I learned that the English language is being adapted yet again. What do you call someone who doesn’t eat animal products? Vegan right? Someone who doesn’t eat meat? Vegetarian. Someone who occasionally eats meat? A flexitarian! Why do we need a new word for the regular diet of a human being? Humans are omnivores. We eat plants and meat. We don’t need a new word to describe it but we’ve got one anyway. Another buzzword to make people feel special.
Ok rant over. My back is a little sore today so gonna veg out on the sofa and reduce my blood pressure which spikes any time I go near social media lol. So many idiots in this world and I really don’t need to be connected to them.
Flexitarian has been around for a while, but yes I agree it's omnivore if you eat/use both.
Hope you can rest your back love, back pain sucks...
Stella180
12-01-21, 02:57 PM
It’s a word that has only just come to my attention and I wish I could rewind 24hrs because my life was so much better before I heard it.
Oh love! Why is it upsetting you so much?
Stella180
12-01-21, 09:50 PM
I was kidding.
Lol... Sorry love...
Morning. How are you today?
My MIL says she’s a pescatarian, having been vegetarian for years. I was sure she was making the term up but apparently not...
Stella180
13-01-21, 10:02 AM
Ahh a fish eater.
I’m waiting for lazy pooch to wake up. I’ve been enjoying cuddles all morning while listening to random tunes. Back is still a bit dodgy. It’s like a dull ache right at the base of my spine and more annoying than painful.
Sorry that your back is still bad love... Can you be kind and gentle to you?
Also, thank you the dressings arrived this morning.
Stella180
13-01-21, 10:45 AM
Cool. They are a but strange cos they kinda cling on rather that the adhesive used on regular dressings so hopefully more genital for your skin. Think of it as a free trial. If it works great, if not you’ve lost nothing.
Might have to find the power lead for my massage chair and use that today.
Massage chair sounds dangerous, not sure I'd ever get out of it lol
Seriously chick, thank you.
Jaquaia
13-01-21, 11:32 AM
hopefully more genital for your skin.
Sorry but (rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
Stella180
13-01-21, 11:42 AM
Damn you auto correct!!!
Strugglingmum
13-01-21, 12:17 PM
Sorry but (rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
I was trying not to react, just sniggering quietly in my corner (rofl)
(rofl) I didn't spot it! That's hilarious!
Stella180
13-01-21, 02:20 PM
It’s these filthy minded mods. You just can’t get the staff these days (rofl)
Jaquaia
13-01-21, 02:27 PM
I'm not the one who brought up genitals!:P
Stella180
13-01-21, 03:06 PM
No auto correct did. I am the victim here lol
Autocorrect... uh huh... I believe you....
Stella180
13-01-21, 06:43 PM
Pfft, wateva.
I kinda fell down a YouTube sized rabbit hole this afternoon. These videos are so much fun.
https://youtu.be/HK8PumNbD0k
Glad you gave yourself some time and seemed to be kind to you....
Stella180
14-01-21, 01:21 PM
Woke up this morning and felt kinda confused. Didn’t even know what day of the week it was. Today it is a definite easy day.
I checked my watch, it says it's Thursday...
Si asks me every day what day it is.......
How are you feeling, other than confused ;)
Stella180
14-01-21, 04:03 PM
Just a bit out of sorts I guess. I managed to tidy up the hole I drilled yesterday when the cone drill bit arrived today so it’s a bit better now. I also get the new t-shirt I ordered. Just wish I had somewhere to go out and wear it.
Sorry things aren't great today love. Well done for sorting the hole ;)You could show us your new t shirt!
Stella180
14-01-21, 04:59 PM
Gonna go and have a long hot shower I think. The T-shirt is may be a bit predictable lol
It’s a Superman tee but the. Logo has the autism awareness puzzle piece design.
Did you manage to get your long, hot shower?
That T-shirt sounds awesome - very you!
Did you get your shower? I went for a lie down and feel much better than I did earlier!
Stella180
14-01-21, 08:03 PM
Yep I’m a lot less stinky now. Love my new T-shirt and yes it really is very me lol
Gonna go and have a long hot shower I think. The T-shirt is may be a bit predictable lol
It’s a Superman tee but the. Logo has the autism awareness puzzle piece design.
Sounds awesome. I insist you wear it when I next see you (whenever that may be....) ;)
Stella180
15-01-21, 07:11 PM
Need to sort dinner out but dunno what I want but I know I cba to cook. Not really got the funds for a takeaway, although that is tempting and nothing exciting in the fridge so it looks like being bread and cheese.
Do you ever feel like the days are too long? Like get up and do stuff then chill for a bit, get some food and then your done. Just wanna go back to bed and start again tomorrow. Today is one of those days. Get up at 9am and by 4pm I want it to be over.
My favourite place is bed anyway! Days are definitely too long!
Stella180
18-01-21, 11:09 AM
The difference 24hrs makes. I didn’t sleep well Saturday nights sleep and as I result I didn’t feel so good. Was medicated and in bed early last night and although a woke a few times I get a lot more steep than the night before and got up filled with energy. I’ve got one load of washing in the machine and another in the dryer, washing up done, microwave cleaned out after an explosion lol. Lately my dryer has been doubling up as my wardrobe so this morning I started sorting out all my clothes and next time I head upstairs I can take them up and start on my bedroom. May as well make good use of my additional energy.
Wow! You've been so busy! Are you able to pace a bit?
Stella180
18-01-21, 12:16 PM
I’ve got a bedroom to sort out. Been putting it off for too long and I want to swap the beds around at some point but probably not today.
Maybe doing it all in one day is a bit optimistic and is only going to end up in burnout or similar?
Stella180
18-01-21, 01:54 PM
Well I can now see the floor of my wardrobe which is a bonus and filled a bu bag with rubbish! Need to sort through my undies and throw a load away. Most of then are ripped or elastic gone. I like to make sure I get the mo set for my money haha. Second load is in the drier but gonna have a sit down and watch random crap on tv for a bit seeing how my back is protesting.
Sounds to me you’ve done more than enough for the day :)
Stella180
18-01-21, 11:27 PM
I’ve been a naughty girl. I may have just gone on the Spurs shop page and spent £55 that I can’t really afford to spend.
What did you buy?
How are you today?
Stella180
19-01-21, 10:04 AM
A polo shirt and a hoodie both in the sale. Polo was half price and a tenner off the hoodie. Oh and there was a rain poncho for a fiver. Ideal for me to carry cos I rarely wear a coat so often get caught in a shower so I can just carry that in case off emergency so to speak.
Fair enough! (rofl)
What's on your agenda today?
Stella180
19-01-21, 10:45 AM
My Manic Monday is definitely over but not feeling too bad. Cleaners are due today so good excuse to hide in the bedroom, stick some tunes on and carry on sorting my room out. It’s the one room of the house I won’t let them go near. It’s far from tidy or clean but it’s my sanctuary not to be tainted by the presence of others lol. I have to have somewhere safe to hide away.
It was strange last night. First time in months that I have closed the wardrobe doors. I know that sounds weird but this is me lol
Well done on sorting your wardrobe. I'm loving the idea of just sticking some tunes on and doing something!
Stella180
19-01-21, 01:00 PM
I still have a load of stuff to sort out but so far I have counted 42 T-shirt/shirts. I think maybe that is a little excessive. I need to stop buying nerd shirts.
The tidying/organising isn’t going to plan today. I’ve chucked out all of my tatty undies and a load of other rubbish. On my second bin bag of rubbish and one filled with clothes. I’ve spent more time sat on the edge of the bed browsing social media and singing along to the tunes. I need to start being brutal with throwing stuff out but it’s a struggle. I’m a bit of a hoarder and I don’t like giving up anything I might “need” later.
Sounds like you’ve achieved something today. Pacing the stress of giving stuff up with singing along to the tunes sounds sensible (and fun) to me
Stella180
19-01-21, 02:06 PM
I have got so many towels, bedding sets, socks, T-shirts etc. When I am struggling it’s easier to buy new stuff then sorting stuff out and putting a wash on. That probably sounds really lazy. I also have a habit of buying random stuff to try and lift myself up. The combination isn’t good when adding in my reluctance to let stuff go.
It doesn't sound lazy, it sounds like someone who's struggling....
In no way lazy Stella. I have a few days a year where I feel like the best I can be. On those days everything happens naturaly. I work around the house. Keep things clean and do everything almost like clockwork. But sadly most of the days I am not this way and I struggle to put stuff in the dishwasher. I am actually happy to have read Paula's post that one time that said try to wipe the crumbs out of bed if changing the bedding is to much.
So dont get down on yourself for this. Be proud of the things you do manage.
Stella180
20-01-21, 10:44 AM
Today as a cba to get out of bed day. I’ve got loads of stuff to do but really not feeling it today at all. Currently having some epic puppy cuddles which is making is even harder to manna move.
I'd love to be in bed, but so far we've done French and English...........
Stella180
20-01-21, 11:11 AM
Maybe you should be in bed?
Stella180
20-01-21, 03:35 PM
argh! My phone isn't working again. touch screen is dead.Got back in touch with the insurance company and waiting for a reply. I've had issues intermittently since I got it back and put it down to the screen protector that was fitted. Anyway took the screen protector off and still having issues. powered it down and back on again and completely dead. Look it out of the case and noticed the screen wasnt fitted correctly and the bottom left corner isn't flush with the body.
Not a happy bunny at all! Of course with lockdown I don't know if or when I will be able to got it sorted out. Getting really sick of this.
Did they do a poor job repairing? I hate it when things like this happen. Because they are fast with stelling a new one but slow with this kind of problem. And the waiting :(
Stella180
20-01-21, 04:03 PM
Looks like it. I wasn't happy with the cheap screen they put in in the first place. My phone is my life. I use it for everything from making a call to turning my heating on. I've had to drag the laptop out to keep in touch with you guys. I just had a heart in mouth moment when my broadband just went down. That would've left me completely cut off from everyone.
Hope you hear soon love...
Stella180
20-01-21, 08:06 PM
I’ve managed to get it rebooted and backed up. It seems to be working again but still needs to be sorted out.
It's just not a good enough service! Definitely complain and get it sorted. It's not exactly a cheap item...
Stella180
20-01-21, 09:33 PM
No. Not at all. They have passed it to the relevant dept and will get back to me about what happens next.
Lets keep our fingers crossed that at least things will get picked up fast.
Blasted technology! Fingers crossed.(y)
Have you heard anything from them? How are you today?
Stella180
21-01-21, 09:57 AM
No not yet. Just watching my emails.
Have spent the past 25mins on hold. Trying to speak to someone about why my ESA payment hasn’t been made today.
Oh no love... Hope it's sorted soon...
Stella180
21-01-21, 10:46 AM
Yeah well postman has just arrived with a brown envelope. The decision has been made that I am not eligible for PIP and my claim ended on 12th January. Not a single point issued!
Right, MR next. Did anyone look over your application with you?
I know it doesn't help, but so many people are having the same experiences atm. MR with help and support?
Stella180
21-01-21, 11:18 AM
Right, MR next. Did anyone look over your application with you?
Yes DIAL helped complete the forms. I’ve left them a message and waiting for a callback. Also waiting on DWP callback about where my ESA payment is. That’s going to be £120 short too now my PIP has stopped. At least I don’t have to worry about my cleaners moving stuff anymore cos I can’t afford to pay them. :(
Strugglingmum
21-01-21, 11:53 AM
Sorry to hear that.
I forgot DIAL helped with the forms. That alone should have given you some points. The whole thing is ridiculous.
Stella180
21-01-21, 12:58 PM
I broke down in tears on the phone with DIAL. I’ve worked out that I will be losing a whopping £719 every 4 was with other benefits attached to my PIP being lost too and leaving me with less than £150 a fortnight to live off. Last time I had benefit issues that went to appeal I had to give up everything including my dog. Just Talia’s medication, flea/worm treatment, and my Sky bill take up a third of the money I’ll have coming in! £200 left for food gas electric and water a month. I know I’m tight with money but it’s just not possible.
Oh no Stella, I am so sorry to hear that. Its enough to struggle with mental health but when this comes on top of it. I do not know how it works in the UK so I can not help in that way. It made me sad to read this. And I am in your corner.
Are DIAL going to help sort this? It sounds like they must have missed so much off the form as you had 0 points...
Oh love, I wish I could help.... but from what I saw it’s like they were talking about a different person. If DIAL won’t help, citizens advice?
Jaquaia
21-01-21, 05:45 PM
Don't worry about Talia, as I've said in private, she won't be going anywhere as we'll help. You did me and J a huge favour by taking her on so we could live together. If we can help with meds or food we will.
I'm afraid I can't be of much help as I don't know anything about the problem, but I'm sincerely sorry you're going through this....I hope the problem can be resolved. Something must be wrong somewhere.
Stella180
21-01-21, 08:46 PM
I just stupidly followed Talia outside in sliders. Safe to say I need to wash my feet. It’s a bit soft underfoot. Not a happy puppy and I mean me not Talia.
I spent the afternoon in bed. The initial panic is under control and I am now in self preservation mode. Many thanks to everyone who had taken time from there day to put up with my crap, and a huge thank you to Jaq for her extended support regarding Talia.
I admit I kinda freaked out a bit after what happened last time with Max. That was a different situation with a lot of similarities and I panicked. Talia has become such a huge part of my life and the thought of the same thing happening again scared the crap out of me. She is a different dog with different issues and I’m going to call the vet and discuss things with them “just in case”. I’m sure things will be fine and so long as I have my 4 legged girl I’m fine. She makes everything better and. She doesn’t wanna kill me every time I try to interact with her. Her condition doesn’t make her lash out due to pain. I just don’t want her to suffer because of me and my situation.
It’s cool, it’s under control. I’ve taken the time to compose myself and I have done all I can to sort this as best I can and I will be the practical thing to make this work out. I have to do the right thing and I can and will do this.
Jaquaia
21-01-21, 09:34 PM
She has had such a positive impact on you. You need to not be stubborn though and let us help if you need it, or I'm setting my mum on you!
That would be enough to make me listen to Jaq. I am hoping you will have a good night sleep. It would be terrible if you were to have to be away from Talia. If I can help with anything I would like to do my best.
You’re awesome! Truly, truly awesome (Kiss)
Do you have a PDSA hospital where you are - or in your nearest big town - only you may well qualify for free or low cost vet treatment. It's worth looking it up if you receive certain allowances.
Stella180
22-01-21, 08:07 AM
No Flo there is nothing around here.
Morning gorgeous, how are you doing today?
Stella180
22-01-21, 08:51 AM
Not great. I’ve done nothing but sleep in the past 24hrs and that’s all I wanna do now but at the same time I’m feeling kinda restless.
Oh love (panda) Can you do anything positive for you today? What did DIAL say yesterday?
Stella180
22-01-21, 10:46 AM
Not a lot. They can’t really help with a letter, or wouldn’t cos the request for MR has already been made. They suggested a diary to log any difficulties I may have each day. Can’t really do much til the report arrives. The letter yesterday took 9 days to get here so I doubt the report will be here anytime soon.
But that's ridiculous, I don't understand why they can't help with some supporting notes explaining that you needed their help to complete the form in the first place... .
Stella180
22-01-21, 11:17 AM
I was in a bit of a state when I spoke to them. I’m going give myself a bit of time and then look at doing a letter loosely based around the ESA one you did a couple of years ago.
Strugglingmum
22-01-21, 11:24 AM
Not great. I’ve done nothing but sleep in the past 24hrs and that’s all I wanna do now but at the same time I’m feeling kinda restless.
If you need sleep take it. You've had a shock and a trauma reaction. You need time to rest and let your body recover too.
No Flo there is nothing around here.There is another option. Some vets will allow people to pay off their bills in instalments. Might be worth phoning a few vets to find out, bearing in mind that veterinary work is a vocation and their prime purpose is to relieve the suffering of animals.
Stella180
23-01-21, 01:34 AM
I’m feeling a bit strange tonight. Mixed emotions for sure. My guts have been acting up all day and had a headache. Staring at a screen isn’t helping I really should be asleep but everything is spinning around in my head. Need to get myself straight so I can tackle this latest problem head on. It’s one more thing I could really do without. Clearly 2020 didn’t screw me over anywhere near enough so 2021 is punishing me too.
Did you get any sleep? How are you doing?
I know that's how you feel love, but this isn't a punishment just for you - sadly so many people are having the similar experiences..
How are you today love?
Stella180
23-01-21, 02:19 PM
I’ll been better. I’m taking the weekend for myself and Monday gonna start on my MR letter and go through my medical notes and print off anything which is appropriate. I’m going to bombard them with everything I’ve got. I know they won’t bother reading any of it and it will go to tribunal but when it does it’ll be an easy decision for them to make cos it will prove that DWP don’t give a shit about the evidence in front of them.
Sounds like a great plan. I am not doing well but I kept thinking about how you are doing. So I am glad that you are taking this weekend for you.
Sounds like a great plan. I am not doing well but I kept thinking about how you are doing. So I am glad that you are taking this weekend for you.
Why not start a thread to talk about it? Or call your medical team for help if you need to...
Stella180
23-01-21, 08:21 PM
I’ll see how I go. I got a crash course in dealing with this crap from you and Paula last time around. See how I get on and might have to run it past one of you when I’m done.
Why not start a thread to talk about it? Or call your medical team for help if you need to...
My medical team is only there during office hours. And for other help it would have to be life threatening before they will help or come. And I tried help over the phone or chat and that made it worse.
Did not mean to hijack your thread Stella.
Will be here as and when for you Stella..
Stella180
24-01-21, 03:24 PM
I’m spending the day watching football and snuggling with my four legged friend. Went out for a drive in the snow this morning which was fun. We’ve got severe flooding in the city and now a few inches of snow on top makes things more difficult.
Hope you're staying warm and safe love.
Stella180
24-01-21, 05:16 PM
I’m lay under a blanket on the sofa using Talia to keep my feet/legs warm.
Strugglingmum
24-01-21, 06:49 PM
Love puppy hugs... they are the best
I’m spending the day watching football and snuggling with my four legged friend. Went out for a drive in the snow this morning which was fun. We’ve got severe flooding in the city and now a few inches of snow on top makes things more difficult.
I saw the flood on the news! Anywhere near you?
Stella180
24-01-21, 08:05 PM
Town centre is flooded I’m a couple of miles away on top of a big hill so I’m ok. The bus station is affected when flooding is bad so good job I’ve still got the car on the road for just over a week. MOT is up in Feb, and now my PiP has stopped it’s an expense I can’t afford. It’s not like I go anywhere other than shopping which is going to be tough now cos minimum order of £40 and £4.50 delivery is a lot of money when you ain’t got it and not exactly keen on the idea of using public transport anyway. I’ll figure something out.
Is it likely to pass the mot? Mine's up next week ;(
Stella180
24-01-21, 08:31 PM
I don’t know to be honest but if it fails, it’s £35 (yep I even shop around for the best price MOTs) that is wasted and ins not a gamble I’m willing to take. That’s like half a weeks money at the moment. I have got some savings but with covid I don’t know how long it’ll take to sort this out and I’m also over due my ESA assessment so if they decide to do that and turn me down again I could be completely screwed. I’ve gotta send some stuff back I ordered before I found out about my claim so I can claw back a bit of money cos every penny counts right now.
Oh love. Can you get some help and advice from the CAB or similar?
Stella180
24-01-21, 09:31 PM
I saw the flood on the news! Anywhere near you?
Pic taken by my cousin today. https://ibb.co/C8QyxML
It looks so pretty but how devastating for everyone affected :(
I second Suzi re contacting CAB, as you very well know. Worst outcome is they tell you they can’t help, best they might actually be able to do something for you....
Stella180
24-01-21, 10:36 PM
I have a confession to make and I’m sure Paula is going to tell me off for this but I think I’m going to have to call the GP in the morning.
I’ve been struggling with my chest for a while now, and initially I thought it was just because I’d not been using my inhaler. Anyway I starting making sure I was using it as prescribed and now 3 weeks later and I’m still not doing great.I’m not wheezing or anything but it just feels like I have a heavy weight on my chest (save the tit jokes) and it’s mildly uncomfortable to breathe. I’m getting out of breath easier too but I put that down to not getting enough exercise lately. Two things have changed over this time, one being the weather. This is the second time it’s snowed since Christmas and it’s been pretty cold and whether changes can affect my chest, it’s like I have a built in barometer lol.
The other thing is I started using a humidifier with my CPAP and I’m actually wondering if that is contributing to the problem due to the room temperature differing from the air that I’m breathing? Back to the built in barometer thing again. I hate using my salbutamol inhaler unless I am really struggling and I’ve been using it a fair bit recently, probably not as often as I should but I’m stubborn and try to get by without it. One of the reasons I’ve been reluctant to call the GP is the whole covid thing. I know this will probably sound mad but I’m scared with it being a respiratory thing there is some kind of procedural thing they will have to do which is pointless cos I’m reasonably confident it just cos I’m asthmatic and the NHS is stretched enough without me adding to the workload when people are in a much worse state and need the service more than I do.
I also know that despite being in self preservation mode and functioning ok, I’m not in a good place mentally but speaking to the quack about it is pointless cos There is nothing they can do. I’m already on the waiting list for 1:1 counselling and I’m maxed out on meds that I don’t wanna change anyway so it feels pointless even mentioning it. I’ll be told to exercise and try online CBT. Ermmm, chest not great and CBT isn’t helpful.
Ermm ok, so I won’t be telling you off. Mainly because you already know that you should have called the doctors (and used your inhaler) already. I will, though, if you don’t call the doctor today ;). As for the procedural thing, they might get you to do a covid test but I’ve had a few and they’re not as bad as you think they’ll be. It’s not pleasant but it’s over very quickly and you can do a home test if that’s easier for you (and you promise to actually do it)..... Hunni, you are important and you need the NHS just as much as the next person
I can't agree with Paula enough. Call the drs.
Stella180
25-01-21, 09:56 AM
I feel like I take more than enough from the service as it is. I got a callback not long ago. Good and bad news. They are giving me a course of prednisone which should help my chest but is likely to cause my blood sugars to spike and lower my immune system for several weeks which is just what you don’t want during a global pandemic.
But not taking it will be worse if you do pick up covid while your lungs are already compromised
Glad that you've made the call. Take the meds, you need to give yourself chance to heal love....
Stella180
25-01-21, 10:43 AM
Catch 22 isn’t is. I’ve asked for the pharmacy to deliver cos my can’t get into the car. The doors are frozen shut. That means I can’t take my parcel to the post office so I will have to find a volunteer to do it for me.
Glad you're getting them delivered love.
Stella180
25-01-21, 05:49 PM
Well I got my meds, 5 day course, and added to dosette box to make sure I don’t get confused. I’ve also been advised to use my daily inhaler 3 times a day instead of twice.
I’ve spoken to my sister about everything and she offered me the use of her car if needed until the appeal is dealt with which was kind of her. I told her about my chest and the steroid side effects on my immune system and she has offered to help if I need anything so I’ve got options. She’s broken a windscreen wiper (?) so I’ve had to order her a new pair and she wants me to fit it tomorrow. I get all the best jobs lol.
Strugglingmum
25-01-21, 06:22 PM
I'm glad you got sorted
It's good that your sister is able to help love.. Take her up on that offer... Don't try to martyr through it....
She loves you hunni, accept her help (panda)
Stella180
25-01-21, 10:32 PM
Chest is feeling a bit crappy tonight. Hoping to dose off shortly though and get a good sleep. I can go to bed happy after Spurs won 1-4 even if the were dodgy for for 80 mins 3 scored 3 in the last 10mins. G’nite peeps.
Pleased you got your chest sorted.(hi)
Stella180
26-01-21, 10:21 AM
Yeah not too bad. Struggling to find the motivation to get outta bed though. Last week of having the car on the road but I can’t go anywhere cos of being on the steroids, although with lockdown I’d only be able to go the shops anyway. Everything is starting to get me down now.
Things have been getting you down for a while love, I don't think you've recovered from things with the boys etc before this has hit you... If there's anything I can do to help, shout. Are you taking your inhalers properly now?
Stella180
26-01-21, 11:11 AM
Oh yeah, have been since before Christmas but I kinda screwed up for a couple of weeks before that. Hoping the steroids work.
Stella180
26-01-21, 02:11 PM
Things have been getting you down for a while love, I don't think you've recovered from things with the boys etc before this has hit you...
Been thinking about this since I read it. You’re right. I spend my whole life getting up after being knocked down and trying to move forward, shutting away all the difficult stuff that I can’t deal with in that moment and moving on the the next difficult situations that needs to be addressed. That is my life. It’s like wading out into the ocean, the water getting deeper and deeper until you can no longer touch the bottom and you’re treading water but then the waves get bigger and you get dragged under. Right now I’m tired and the sharks are circling.
The thing is, I'm desperately cross for you, because you need some indepth counselling - you need to be able to unpack each bit of crap, sort through it and deal with it if you can. You have no support from any medical team, and you deserve some because you are so, so, so worth bothering with. I'm so cross that you've never had that chance....
She’s right, you know. No one could possibly deal with the crap you have without support....
Stella180
26-01-21, 04:23 PM
I did have that chance a few years ago. After 12 months of counselling I’d still barely scratched the surface.
You did me a huge favour by raising the ASD question and encouraging me to chase up an assessment. No, I wasn’t keen on the idea and fought you every step of the way but my diagnosis has helped me to look at many things from my past differently and that alone lifted a huge weight however there are a lot of “what ifs” about such a late diagnosis too.
My court date in March is being moved back because the most important report isn’t going to be ready in time. Awaiting further instruction so in limbo over that. So the past 6 days have been a blast. My benefits have been slashed, My immune system has been compromised during a global pandemic, and any progress on me being able to see my boys has been put on hold. FML
Things have changed, you might benefit more from counselling now ?
But was that intensive counselling or psychotherapy? That's what Marc needed. He's still got a lot to work through, but it allowed him to breathe and to take some control back...
There are loads of "what if's" but if anything it should help you to move forwards with more understanding and asking for more support....
Yes things have been tough, but hunni you can make things more positive in the future. You need to focus on you and actually PROPERLY looking after you. No more ditching the inhalers or taking wrong meds/doses etc because those are the things that you CAN control... I also know that you not taking them isn't down to stubbornness totally, I think it's a self harm thing that you need to address too...
Stella180
26-01-21, 09:10 PM
Ouch! I’ll take a few deep breaths and come back to that.
It wasn't meant to be an ouch.... It was meant to be helping... I'm sorry...
Stella180
26-01-21, 10:04 PM
You actually think I’ve been screwing with my meds on purpose? To self harm? That’s not it at all. You don’t think it’s likely to be my mind being on overdrive and not being able to prioritise my meds properly. If I wanted to self harm I’d just take the (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing lot but that’s not where my head is at right now and I’m doing all I can to keep it that way. I realised this morning that I managed to use my inhaler 3 times yesterday as instructed, but stupidly forgot my nighttime meds and when I woke up this morning and realised I was disappointed in myself. I’m trying so hard to get things right but everything is falling apart around me. I’m trying to plug the leaks but there are too many.
It is something I was thinking, so yes... I think you don't take your inhaler or get medical help because you don't see yourself as being worthy of anyone giving you that time/space/bed which is self neglect which comes under the self harm umbrella - as does not eating properly etc etc... I'm telling you this because I've always told you I'd say it as I see it. I'm sorry if I've upset you, that wasn't my intention...
You put this pressure on yourself to be perfect so much, yet you're more than enough as you are. - You are to me anyway... I just wished you saw you as I see you...
Stella180
26-01-21, 11:07 PM
I’m not doing any of this on purpose and yeah I’m pretty upset that you think that. I am trying my best to keep my head above water and I’m clearly not doing a very good job of it, so bad in fact you thing I’m sabotaging myself! Well that makes me feel loads better. Thanks :(
On that note I’m going to take my meds and go to bed.
I'm sorry... I actually don't think you've done anything on purpose -I genuinely don't think that you're even aware that it's happened in the past...
Hey, hunni, you know Suzi would never say anything with the intention of hurting you (panda)
Stella180
27-01-21, 09:44 AM
I know. I’m sorry for my reaction. I was kinda shocked and didn’t see that coming. No I’m not really looking after myself in the best possible way right now but I am genuinely trying.
I think you are trying, but hunni you've put you at the bottom of the list for so long that you are now at the stage that you don't even know you are doing it.. I really think you need to focus on you and doing the basics for a while - even just taking your meds as directed, eating properly, drinking enough water etc...
Stella180
27-01-21, 10:49 AM
I still haven’t finished my MR letter. I only started it yesterday and just over half way through the daily living stuff. This really is hard for me but I’m determined to do it. Any of the forum “experts” able to look through it for me when it’s done please?
Of course. Are you using Suzi’s letter? If not, why not?
Am happy to if you need someone else ;)
Stella180
27-01-21, 01:02 PM
I’m going to send Suzi’s letter as well. I think I’m done now. Don’t feel comfortable with it but I trust you guys.
I think that are 2 good points. That you did it and that you trusted them with helping (panda)
Re your meds....why don't you set your phone alarm that way you won't forget to take them! We all forget at times.
Stella180
27-01-21, 03:10 PM
Flo, I have reminders. I have an app that tells me what meds to take, when time to take them and when to reorder. Unfortunately it is only as good as the information I put into it and if I don’t have my phone on silent which I do most of the time lately.
Oh well then!....naughty Stella!(giggle)
Stella180
27-01-21, 09:43 PM
Having a mare of a time this evening. My sister came round to get her wipers a day late. I can't believe that nobody could do it for her in the household. It's so simple when I showed her she just laughed. I've been trying to print of documents and emails relating to my PiP appeal and the printer is acting up again so the time has come to put the new printer into action. Set up hasn't been short or plain sailing but it's now done and I'm having to start again with the printing. My desk is a complete mess and I don't know if I'm coming or going. For some reason I can't access my med files cos the password isn't being accepted.Hopefully I can contact the surgery in the morning and get it sorted.why is nothing ever simple?
What strikes me is that you use the expression: its so simple when I showed her she just laughed and then later: Why is nothing simple?
Seems like you did all you could and that is so good. I want to compliment that. The fact that you need to phone because the password is not being accepted is beyond your control and you did the rest. You did good!
Strugglingmum
27-01-21, 10:35 PM
To be honest I find nothing simple when it comes to car stuff, I can put petrol in and screen wash.... the rest I just dont get.
Yet put me in a hospital ward and tell me to set up drips, monitors, lines etc and no bother and I'll wonder why the drs find it so difficult.
Each to our own strengths.
Frustrating about the password but it cant be helped, it's not your fault. Hope you get it sorted in the morning
Stella180
27-01-21, 11:23 PM
What strikes me is that you use the expression: its so simple when I showed her she just laughed and then later: Why is nothing simple?
Because the windscreen wiper was her problem which I had to fix. When it’s something I need to do for myself it’s completely different and it’s always harder than it needs to be and that pretty much sums up my life.
Everything related to ourselves is harder. I can write PIP forms for other people, yet when it comes to mine I struggle and have to get Marc to help...
Maybe she could do it, but wanted an excuse to come and see you?
You did brilliantly yesterday. The password is an annoyance but can be dealt with. Have you rung the doctors yet this morning?
Stella180
28-01-21, 10:01 AM
Yep but gotta call back in a minute cos the person to help isn't in until 10am. I'll give her a chance to take her coat off, grab a cuppa and let her PC boot up.
Have you heard anything about it yet?
Stella180
28-01-21, 11:26 AM
Yeah it was me being a dick last night and typing the password incorrectly. Feel incredibly stupid now but I’ve got copies of the stuff I wanted so it’s all sorted now. Just need to finish my letter and send it off. I think I’ve covered everything and then I think of something else I need to add. It’s so hard trying to break your life down to tell them how things are without all the things I was able to put into place to make it easier which is the exact reason I got the award in the first place. It’s like, there you go, have some money to improve your life and then ok that worked let’s take it all away from you again and watch you fall apart.
I know I’m unraveling and I’m trying so hard to keep it together. There are so many little mistakes happening, things that on their own is nothing major but when you put them all together it’s clear that I’m not coping as well as I could be.
We've all done it, don't beat yourself up about it. In fact I do it regularly through the day/week.... If you keep adding bits, just print those off and show them how things work in your head atm...
Tell them that you feel you're unravelling, tell them the mistakes and show them how things really are...
As Suzi says, they need to know how this is impacting you....
Stella180
28-01-21, 03:12 PM
I’ve thrown all 27 pages of evidence into the envelope and sent it. I know they will just ignore it anyway and I could be adding things I think of for another week or more. The moment I popped it the postbox I thought of something else. By going into detail now it just means when I do get to the appeal court they will be able to view the information and see that the decision was very wrong. I was told by the assessor at the start that she didn’t have all of the additional information and had to ask me for details of my meds (I’d sent a prescription list) and according to DIAL she shouldn’t have continued without all the information. Just gotta wait to be turned down which hopefully won’t take too long so I can start the appeal process. I have to admit as horrible as this whole process is, it’s a little easier having gone through this process already with ESA in 2017/18 because I know what to expect.
I actually feel quite accomplished having tackled the letter by myself. Yes it took me 3 days, a lot of mess and stress and probably missing a lot of stuff but I did it without a complete meltdown.
You should feel accomplished! It's a difficult thing you've done!
Damn right. Its something to be proud about!!
Strugglingmum
28-01-21, 06:08 PM
Well done you. I certainly would be in a mess tackling it.
Stella180
28-01-21, 08:19 PM
Oh trust me SM, it’s not been easy and I may have taken Suzi’s lead, if she hadn’t written something first so I had something to work from I probably wouldn’t have known where to start.
Have spent most of the afternoon sleeping. Woke up just after 6pm had dinner, and now back in bed again watching football. I could quite happily go straight back to sleep again. I’m frazzled.
I'm not surprised you're frazzled, you've been dealing with a lot of stuff and emotions.. I'm proud of you.
Stella180
28-01-21, 08:48 PM
Thought I would share this cos I know it might be from an ADHD page but this is a genuine struggle for many people with mental ill health. This is a huge problem for me and I can’t tell you how many times I have found myself sat in the middle of a room in tears because I’m so overwhelmed, or just retreated to bed cos everything is just too much for me to deal with and I have to take myself away from it all.
http://adhd-alien.com/2019/07/16/executive-dysfunction/
I relate so much to that....
Stella180
28-01-21, 09:43 PM
It sucks big time. I hate it and I’d argue that’s it the biggest hurdle for me in my life. Trying to decide how to try and combat the problem. Just cos you can do something one day doesn’t mean you can do it again the next day.
I think everything you've done is quite amazing. I couldn't even attempt it and I know I'd go into meltdown on page one! Well done.
You're completely right. I've seen Marc and Ben both really struggle with it this week. Me? Absolutely, and that's another reason Marc thinks I have ADHD lol That's why pacing is really important (and a work in progress for me... I am trying, but don't often get it right...) It's something that we talked a lot about in the IMPACT and the meditation courses that I did. It seems to impact so many people with so many disabilities...
How are you doing today?
Stella180
29-01-21, 10:39 AM
Had a disturbing dream last night but it’s fading now as dreams do but the feelings are still there. I’ve eaten breakfast, and now cuddled up with Talia watching a dvd.
Sorry you had a crappy night, I sympathise. Can you be kind to you today? You deserve (and probably need) a couple of days to get over everything you've done doing your MR...
magie06
03-02-21, 03:45 PM
I'm just catching up. Oh my you've had such a rough few months of it. You've done so much to help yourself over the last few days. You are not a waste of time, all forms that come into this house, G deals with them. Last week I needed to call the school to say our WiFi would be out. The principal asked me what we were getting in, and I wasn't able to help her. Because we changed the WiFi, all the devices needed to be changed to the new password. Had I a clue? Not on your Nelly.
Stella180
03-02-21, 05:16 PM
Hey Magie, yeah it’s been tough and I’ve got a long way to go yet before any sign of it getting better which sucks but I have Talia for cuddles and you guys here for support so I’ll live.
Morning, love, how did you sleep?
How are you feeling today love?
Stella180
04-02-21, 11:06 AM
I was still awake at 5am. For some reason I was fascinated by Brad Mondo videos and searching for weird gadgets on eBay IDK, just one of those nights where my brain wouldn’t switch off. Woke up about 10 but I’m not overly tired.
Just googled Brad Mondo... Interesting choice overnight lol You planning on getting tips and taking up your own hair styling business?
What gadgets?
What've you got planned for today?
Stella180
04-02-21, 01:04 PM
I really have no interest hair styling but his reaction videos about people colouring their hair is quite amusing. The gadgets were useless time and space saving home accessories, the kind you buy cos it looks useful and then sits in a drawer for decades unused lol
(rofl) (rofl) (rofl) - I've just told Hazel and she's ridiculously excited. She's a fan. Apparently his reactions to America's Top Model are hilarious!
Stella180
04-02-21, 02:53 PM
Hey I’m down with the cool kids lol. You should check him out.
I might not get a choice lol..
Stella180
04-02-21, 03:23 PM
He is is really cool and kinda cute too in a totally gay way.
(rofl) Hazel seems to like very camp guys and drag queens! lol
Strugglingmum
04-02-21, 06:27 PM
Brad Mondo got me through lockdown number 1!!
I shall definitely look him up!
Morning love, how are you today?
Stella180
05-02-21, 10:13 AM
I’ve spent most of the past 16hr asleep and still be asleep if the Pharmacy delivery guy hadn’t rung the doorbell.
You obviously need it. Any plans for today?
Stella180
05-02-21, 10:21 AM
Yeah tidy up this shithole I call a home.
Lovely to see you and speak to you today! :)
Stella180
05-02-21, 03:10 PM
You too Suzi, and Paula. We need to make this a regular feature.
My guts are acting up again this afternoon. Not good. I grabbed something to eat after chatting with you guys and just went upstairs to bed and listened to some music. Talia came upstairs and dropped her guts to let me know she needed to go out. I’m sure there are other ways to get the message across that smell less like a cabbage farm lol. Back on the sofa for cuddles now so still not sorted the house.
Jaquaia
05-02-21, 03:14 PM
That's one thing I don't miss!!! (rofl)
(rofl) Crash did such a loud fart earlier it stopped me in my tracks! It was hilarious watching him look around for the culprit! (rofl) The smell wasn't so fun though!
Stella180
06-02-21, 02:50 PM
I’ve done something reckless. I’ve ordered a take away. Admittedly it was from Asda Kitchen and will probably keep me fed all day but £13 is a lot of money right now to be chucking at junk food.
I think that everyone deserves a treat now and again...
Stella180
06-02-21, 06:12 PM
Pizza sides and a drink plus a Belgian bun for a tenner. I’m stuffed now and loads left over. I’ve run out of soft drinks so opened a beer that’s been sat in my fridge for a couple of weeks and really not enjoyed it so back to plain water. Gonna watch the rest of the England game and then go upstairs to bed. Not feeling so great today and a bit guilty about the take away. My sister grabbed me some stuff while she was out and didn’t charge me for it which was very kind of her. I need to borrow her car to give blood on Tuesday. I probably shouldn’t really but it’s been a while since I last donated.
Stella180
06-02-21, 07:23 PM
Scrub that. Called about my donation and I’ve been told I can’t donate and someone will be in touch in April. I was kinda looking forward to escaping the house for an hour and free tea and biscuits. Need to stop being so honest cos every time I get rejected.
Spending the evening lay on the bed in the dark, headphones on and soul classics coming through loud and clear. Otis Redding, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye to name a few artists.
Sorry you can't donate love.. There's a reason why you can't - you need to be honest love, it's to keep you safe.
Sounds like an epic playlist.
Stella180
06-02-21, 09:06 PM
It’s a great playlist to chill. Might have to share a few tracks with you all.
Strugglingmum
06-02-21, 09:08 PM
Sounds amazing to chill to
I know how it feels, the first time I was told I couldn’t donate was hard. But Suzi’s right, whatever the reason it’s for your benefit. And at least you didn’t turn up there to be turned away....
Stella180
06-02-21, 10:32 PM
That’s happened before. I admitted that me mood hadn’t been good and they refused to let me give blood because apparently donating can cause a drop in mood and if you’re not good mental to start they won’t take the risk. I’ve been stopped due to med changes too. It’s pretty frustrating especially when I have “special” blood that is needed for neonatal wards.
My mum has that special blood too, and she’s been turned away too. But she knows she’s done everything she can to donate when she can. And so have you
I've never been able to give blood as mine. When I asked my last GP I got this as a reply: "so special I'm not sure how it's keeping you alive, I'd certainly not want to risk it in anyone else" .....
How are you today love?
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