View Full Version : Walking through life.
I was thinking and I thought its ok to come out of the private sections every now and then. So I am starting a thread here. Talking about whats on my mind and how I am doing.
Just finished tea and it was a struggle. So to be nice for myself I am in the bathtub now. (no pictures haha). My body is aching.
I keep thinking about all the hobbies I liked and still like but can't be bothered to do them. The list is endless.
Reading, writing, poetry, caligraphy, learning swedish,learning. Sports etc etc.
When I think of all these things they gave me joy and I feel would still give joy. But I truly can not be bothered. And the perfectionisme is something that comes to play as well. And the putting myself down. Its a viscious circle.
Can you change the focus of one of them a bit? Read magazines rather than books? Non fiction v fiction?
Stella180
06-12-20, 07:36 PM
The more you describe how you feel the more I find myself nodding my head cos I completely understand. You are like the male version of me.
I can understand where you are coming from about not being bothered to do activities when feeling low and you are spot on in that it is a vicious circle.
One thing I read about overcoming this is to try and act against your depression and do the things anyway. This is far easier said than done.
Another thing I have found helpful is to think that the positive action creates motivation rather than the other way around. I hope some of this is helpful.
That does sound like a good idea Paula, I will pick up some magazines later. There are some fun history ones I like.
And Stella, that makes us similar but still extremely unique and awesome :)
Hi Knowle, I consider every reply helpful even if they do not help if you know what I mean. Talking together can always give new insights and views so its all helpful. I do get what you are saying. Sadly I have a few disorders where the depressive one is part of. I think we have counted 4 so far. And they mixed together can make things difficult.
I love all the things I have written down. But if I think about doing one of them now I feel nothing. No joy or excitement but also no dislike or resentment. There is just nothing if that makes sense?
What about instead of reading, you listen to the audiobooks? That could be an easier way in?
It makes sense to me love.
BTW I love that you've come out of the private sections. You're really awesome to me.
Audiobooks sounds great as well. I could even listen to them while I am gaming.
And gaming is what got me feeling down right now. That group I left because I started getting feelings for one member, I am still in contact with a few members. And since I can not find another fun group I am still playing solo. We do sometimes do things together. But they are all playing in the group. So that makes me feel even more left out. I wish I could handle all of this better..
Well you aren't being left out here love. A lot of what you write is very inspirational to others so don't forget that one! You're a clever guy too. It's hard to concentrate on any one thing when you're having a 'blip'. Keep it simple. I guess if you can think of nothing to write down then maybe you're sort of giving your brain a bit of a break and maybe that's not such a bad thing. You sound a little more upbeat than you have been.(bear)
I'm sorry you're feeling left out on your game, but I don't know an easy fix to that one as you struggle to be in the group with that lady....
Thanks Flo, the gaming has got me down a bit. But other then that my mood went from terrible to bland. And that is an improvement. I also don't want to write everything I am thinking and feeling in this thread because I would like to have a thread for once with no trigger warning (if possible)
So it is a bit better yes.
I did notice I had the dates for therapy wrong. No therapy today. So I am going to cycle to my mum for tea (we eat warm in the afternoon when I am home) and then I don't know what to do.
Yes that makes it to hard. I don't even want to think what I would do if I had to talk to her again. I am scared of that. But it would feel as me punishing myself to stop gaming as well. Then it would be another thing I am taking away from myself ;(
Then make a decision not too. I know it's not always that easy, but if you want to carry on gaming then do so. I know my boys both are avid gamers and our middle one is a great shot in call of duty lol. Ben uses gaming as a good way of being social, as up unto his move to uni, he wouldn't meet up with anyone for months. He's also really into Yu-gi-oh cards and his guitars - of which he has many!
I also don't want to write everything I am thinking and feeling in this thread because I would like to have a thread for once with no trigger warning (if possible)
That’s a good goal to have, but remember you do need to be honest about your feelings to learn to deal with them
Thanks Suzi, I did play today and it was stressful but fun. So I am glad I did.
I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. Women, clothing and other things. I don't think its good to tell you all what it was because there is so much shame on those thoughts. That running away would be the least troublesome I would do. I had terrible thoughts of what I wanted to do to myself. But I am ok now so I am not so worried anymore.
Stella180
07-12-20, 09:53 PM
Maybe you should share those thoughts. I’m confident that it’s not as bad as you believe
I agree, I bet that to us those thoughts aren't scary or as shameful as you feel they are....
How are you today?
The day started good. My mum and me did a practice run for baking christmas cookies. And it was a good one. But after she left I fell into a bad mood. Anxious and a headache. Bad thoughts as well.
Well I do think there will be members that will start to think less of me if I talk about it. And some will think I am weird. And I dont want that at all.
Stella180
09-12-20, 12:16 AM
Dude, I already think you’re weird and I bloody love you for it. Nothing you can say can make me think any less of you.
There is nothing you could say that would make me think poorly of you
How did the baking go? Why did you feel bad after your Mum left you?
The baking went well. We made 2 different cookies and the winner was a german sand cookie. Tasted just like from the bakery. Saterday we are doing another round.
Strugglingmum
09-12-20, 01:52 PM
I will have to Google German sand biscuits, bet they are delicious!! (bear)
Jaquaia
09-12-20, 02:09 PM
I've promised J that he can help me make gingerbread. I'll probably regret it as the last gingerbread he made had boobs and willies!
Hahaha Jaq, what part did you eat? Or did you pass on it :)
I can write you the recipe for you if you want SM, its nice and simple just as we like it :)
What have I missed out on.....I'm all for cookie recipes Mira! I'm chief neighbourhood quality controller! Yum!
Jaquaia
09-12-20, 04:04 PM
Ooh! Recipe would be good!!!
This was before we got together Mira but he showed me photos! (giggle)
haha
Ok this will be good. Going to translate from German to English.
They are called Heidesand.
250g butter
200g sugar
1 packet of vanilla suger
a pinch of salt
2-3 spoons of milk (the spoon you eat soup with)
375g flour
1 teaspoon baking powder (smoothed out. So no mountain on top)
The butter you melt and put in the fridge to get hard again. Then add the sugar, vanilla, salt and milk and stir it in till its one mass. then put it on the counter and add flour. when its smooth you make a roll out of it. 3 cm thick and in the fridge. Then when its a little stiff I rolled it out to .5 cm and made shapes. Then its in the oven.
Electric 175 - 200
Gas 2 - 3
back for 10 -15 min
I did it at 200 and after 10 min they were good and 13 min was to long.
Jaquaia
09-12-20, 04:43 PM
I might give these a go! I tend to make something called highlander biscuits at Christmas
Me too!..they sound so decadent!! Thanks Mira.(nod)
Strugglingmum
09-12-20, 09:46 PM
Thanks Mira. I had googled them. They are like a German shortbread as we call it. The brown butter and vanilla sugar sound a delicious twist.
I looked up that shortbread, but its not like bread. Its a true cookie.
Feeling weird again. Had therapy and I talk about everything apart from the things I am scared of here as well. Its not damaging my therapy. But it is something I will need to talk about at some point.
Why don't you feel able to talk to your therapist about those things? Have you thought about writing them down in note form and handing that over? Sometimes it makes it easier...
Stella180
10-12-20, 09:20 AM
I’ve had to write things down in the past and give it to a therapist or I wouldn’t have been able to start the conversation any other way. Even then I was anxious but glad it was out in the open even if I couldn’t speak the words.
Strugglingmum
10-12-20, 10:22 AM
Be kind to you today.
I will leave it like this for a while I guess. It will come up I am sure of it. But in time.
Going to meet with the psychiatrist in a moment. now that I am written sick I have to go by bus and that adds stress. And makes it a long journey. But I am curious how my blood work is looking and what we are doing medication wise.
I did have a tutoring session earlier with a female streamer in the game I play. I was super nervous and still a bit shaky. Massive headache but so happy I did it :)
Stella180
10-12-20, 12:18 PM
Hope all goes well with the pdoc.
Well done for doing the tutor session. Hope it goes ok with the psychiatrist
Well done on the session!
Why do you have to go by bus?
Well done!......little bit by little bit you'll get there!(bear)
Well they want to get me a test because I might be one of the people that has a body that can process medication super fast. That is one thing and they are thinking of putting me on a Antipsychotic as she has read papers and studies that they can have a positive effect on people with BPD. But thats for a bit further down the line.
Today was a good day. I was way less stressed and the bad thoughts stayed away for a long time. They are back now but still ok. I am still scared though that if you all know everything about me you would leave me be.
I have to take the bus since I do not own a car. When I am working I am allowed to take my work car.
Glad you had a good day! Leaving you is never going to happen.(bear)
Not a chance of leaving you
Jaquaia
11-12-20, 09:29 AM
What they said
Yup, I'm not going anywhere either...
Strugglingmum
11-12-20, 10:41 AM
Looks like you're stuck with us all (bear)
Stella180
11-12-20, 11:37 AM
*waves frantically* Still here
Thanks everyone. And being stuck will all of you is a good thing.
Today I can not seem to get going. I get up and do a little something then feel so exhausted that I end up in bed again. I am there now.
Strugglingmum
11-12-20, 12:23 PM
That's ok. You can only do what you can do but do try get 5 minutes of fresh air and eat and drink something. X
Stella180
11-12-20, 12:40 PM
I know that feeling mate. Sometimes you just can’t do anything else.
You’re listening to your body, that’s a good thing, love
That's ok. You can only do what you can do but do try get 5 minutes of fresh air and eat and drink something. X
Absolutely agree with this...
I did not go outside yet. I am at the computer listening to a streamer from the UK to not feel so lonely at the moment.
Did you manage to open the windows or sit outside even for a little while?
I did go outside into my garden a bit. And today I did some groceries. But I am feeling so extreme flat. I am spaced out it seems
I am glad you managed to get outside earlier and out for some groceries.
Have you ever tried mindfulness? I find that very helpful.
I did go outside into my garden a bit. And today I did some groceries. But I am feeling so extreme flat. I am spaced out it seemsJoin the club! it's a flat time of year...but at least you got out and that's good!
I am glad you managed to get outside earlier and out for some groceries.
Have you ever tried mindfulness? I find that very helpful.Mindfulness can be really helpful.(nod)
Strugglingmum
12-12-20, 05:09 PM
Glad you got out. I did too for a few minutes but probably not long enough.
Sounds like you've done well. Be kind to you lovely...
I do try to do mindfulness every now and then. But it tends to make me get so mad at myself. And frustrated. I have no idea what to do at the moment.
Why does mindfulness make you mad at yourself and frustrated? Have you tried the guided ones on youtube?
Stella180
12-12-20, 09:35 PM
I get it. It’s hard at first and takes a while to get it right but the more you practice the easier it gets.
Strugglingmum
13-12-20, 03:25 AM
I find mindfulness difficult too. I prefer yoga where I physically move and stretch. I think the movement helps with my racing thoughts
I find T'ai Chi brilliant for that.... (only coz I'm so infleible that yoga is really way out of my abilities!)
Stella180
13-12-20, 12:50 PM
T’ai Chi as incredibly calming. I did a bit of it going back when I was doing kickboxing and loved it. I would love to get back into it.
I find T'ai Chi brilliant for that.... (only coz I'm so infleible that yoga is really way out of my abilities!)
How did you learn T'ai Chi?
I follow a seated youtube session as I can't stand due to mobility.... This one actually:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zysx0FCqacI&t=86s
I am either feeling real flat. Or I get extremely lonely. And then I want to do stupid things to myself. What a horrible way to live.
Jaquaia
13-12-20, 05:07 PM
(panda)
I also feel the need to run away from here again. I am so needy. I hate myself because of this.
Jaquaia
13-12-20, 05:26 PM
What would you respond to any of us who had said that?
If you run away, then what? Is it going to make things better for you or is it going to be another thing that you have to beat yourself up about? Why run away from here, the place that's been a safe place for you to talk without judgement?
I don't know tbh. Even more so since I do feel judged. But thats in my head so no one is at fault. I am fragile now and I notice that if people dont reply on questions or if people I appreciate dont post i get nervous. I am just to fragile i guess
.
Jaquaia
13-12-20, 06:53 PM
You're fragile because you're ill and it's that illness telling you those things. But Suzi keeps the staff room well stocked with duck tape so we can try and keep you together until the help starts working (panda)
I don't know tbh. Even more so since I do feel judged. But thats in my head so no one is at fault. I am fragile now and I notice that if people dont reply on questions or if people I appreciate dont post i get nervous. I am just to fragile i guess
.
Sorry you are feeling like this. You are definitely not being judged and you are a valuable member of this community.
Strugglingmum
13-12-20, 08:58 PM
Dont run away when you are fragile, that's when you need here the most. (bear)
Thanks Knowle and SM. I keep getting more and more worked up. And while gaming and being online I see people ignore me. And I know I have to think people are busy. But doing content in a game where they said we would do it together. Its hard to keep thinking its not me.
And with the rest I am to needy. I am having trouble with it all.
Stella180
13-12-20, 09:16 PM
Or maybe those people are a-holes? Of perhaps with your current situation leaving and going back and leaving again etc. they didn’t know what was going on so carried on without you.
You aren't too needy, you are a friend in need of support and friendship....
Strugglingmum
13-12-20, 09:22 PM
Try and remind your brain that yes, people may be busy but they may also be having a bad day, too tired to talk, needing time just to think, etc. I have to remind myself that it's not always about me or something I've said or done, it's about what is going on in their own lives or their own head. I blame myself for everything so this one is hard but its something I really have to practice and need help to remember at times
Jaquaia
13-12-20, 09:30 PM
I think we're all the same to some extent. If something happens I automatically assume that I'm the issue, I've messed everything up and everyone hates me and wants nothing to do with me anymore. It takes a long time to fight that thinking but it does get easier with time.
Well they did do it with a group. And normaly I am a part of that group. But even then I hate that my mind is so wrong all the time that I dont even know anymore if its ever right or when.
I try that too SM. But I am always on my own. And then I can not always do that.
You make a good point Stella. I know for a fact they are not as... les. So then it must be my behaviour that is putting people off. That proves I should be alone. So I dont hurt myself with my stupid behaviour.
You don’t behave stupidly that I’m aware of, and I can’t believe that you’re so very much different when gaming.....
I feel exactly the same loves....
Jaquaia
13-12-20, 09:42 PM
No it doesn't prove that. Not at all. It proves you need a lot of help to try and get some level of stability in your life. Ok, they may not be arses, they may just be confused by your behaviour which is understandable if they don't know about your issues and how you struggle with them. That doesn't mean you deserve to be alone and I don't think that's what Stella was implying.
J still gets confused by my behaviour sometimes. If I'm upset about something I push him away and refuse to talk. It drives him crazy that I withdraw instead of telling him what's wrong but that behaviour is so engrained that it's hard to change it. I've even done it in a counselling session and I know I do it here. My instinct is to retreat and not let anyone see how vulnerable I am at that point as that's when I am at my most scared and the highest risk of being hurt. It's learned behaviour and I still do it when I'm struggling most as it's what I've had to do when things were particularly bad as past relationships have shown me that's when people hurt you the most. It's taken a lot of love and patience from J for me to start letting him in and even then I find it hard, and I don't have the personality disorders that you're having to fight. So you wanting to retreat makes sense to me, but I know from my experience that it isn't the answer, even though I still do it now.
Stella180
13-12-20, 09:48 PM
You make a good point Stella. I know for a fact they are not as... les. So then it must be my behaviour that is putting people off. That proves I should be alone. So I dont hurt myself with my stupid behaviour.
Err no that’s not what I said. If you hadn’t isolated yourself from them you wouldn’t feel disappointed that they are carrying on without you. It’s the isolation that is hurting you.
Jaq and Stella are totally right. It's not you, it's you pushing everyone away that is the issue. If you could find a way to stay with the game and that group of people then maybe you wouldn't feel as if they are excluding you....
But Suzi that is me. Its like all the motivational stuff you hear. You are not your illnesses. Ok, so then its me.
You are perfect the way you are. Ok thats something to look forward to. 40 more years of this?
People judge others by how you treat them. And me running and avoiding is not a way to keep people close.
I dont know. This is a cycle thats eating me up inside.
Strugglingmum
14-12-20, 09:51 AM
That's why therapy is there. To give you the tools and insight to be able to fight the natural instinct to run and hide and to help you choose to stay, grit your teeth and make to through the other side.
It's a work in progress and it's really hard but I'm sticking with it to fight to make things better for my future than they are now. Stick with therapy, sometimes it feels like it's only marking time but you will move forward if you keep working at it.
Thanks everyone. Thanks SM.
SM is right Mira. Stick with the therapy. I had an avoidance problem about 15 years ago. It was easier to run away than run through the barrier. I ran away from the most ridiculous things! The only person/thing I harmed was myself! No harm can come to you....remember that 'the only thing to fear is fear itself'. That's an odd saying but it's true. I get all of these sayings from AA because it's not just about getting sober, it's about learning to live again without fear which is one of the reasons why we drink. Another one is 'you have to face the pain to get rid of the pain'.....they're silly little sayings to those who have never known mental pain but they work. You have a lot of love surrounding you, don't forget that. Meet your demons head on because no one can control your life except you. It's you that's in the driver's seat. You can break the cycle you're caught up in. You are a clever man, so show them who's boss!
Therapy is hard, but it will help love...
Thanks for the lovely support (panda)
Therapy is difficult and can be very emotionally painful but it is definitely worth sticking with.
I have just had six counselling sessions arranged through work and was ready to quit after session two and stuck with it and got some useful things out of the sessions.
I like your view on things. And you post good messages on peoples threads. Thanks for that. I am trying to do just that. Some days it goes better then another.
Some days it goes better then another.
That is life - even when we’re well, some days are better than others. So, are you able to try to not beat yourself about the bad days?
That's how it is for everyone love...
How are you today?
magie06
15-12-20, 11:31 AM
The last time I was in hospital I was asked, when looking at an ECG, what way does the line go? Then I was told that's why life is like that, full of ups and downs. The only time that heart line is flat is when we are dead. That's why we need to get used to the highs as well as the lows. Otherwise we are dead.
I am not doing to well and i notice that everything I read or hear I turn negative. So thats why I am silent. I dont want to do that but it happens anyway.
I am so happy when Magie replies on my thread. Since I fear she dislikes me so bad. And the post is so lovely but I read such terrible things in it.
I am not doing to well and i notice that everything I read or hear I turn negative. So thats why I am silent. I dont want to do that but it happens anyway.
I am so happy when Magie replies on my thread. Since I fear she dislikes me so bad. And the post is so lovely but I read such terrible things in it.
I am sorry to hear that Mira. Is there anything you have done in the past which helps you in bad times?
I am not doing to well and i notice that everything I read or hear I turn negative. So thats why I am silent. I dont want to do that but it happens anyway.
I am so happy when Magie replies on my thread. Since I fear she dislikes me so bad. And the post is so lovely but I read such terrible things in it.
Hunni, I promise you that Magie doesn't dislike you! I don't think there is a member here who she dislikes. That post is lovely, but very matter of fact.
I'm really glad that you are acknowledging how you are feeling, and that you are voicing your thoughts. You're amazing.
I also think there’s no one here who dislikes you - so you see it’s a double whammy of friendship
@knowle, I sadly only have unhealthy coping skills. So the only thing I might try is playing video games. Thats always a good idea to hide.
Thanks everyone.
Today I had another therapy session. And item number 5 made the list of things wrong with me. She told me that I dont tick all the boxes (yet as far as she can tell) but ptsd. From all the bullying I had while growing up. But that is making me feel worse. Since I know that what I went through is not so bad.
Jaquaia
16-12-20, 06:00 PM
You know that for a fact? Things affect us differently and can still have an affect even when we don't think it was that bad so aspects of PTSD may still be accurate
Stella180
16-12-20, 06:10 PM
I have another theory
Well I compare everything to other people and then I feel like I am faking everything. And this is the first therapist I have had that I can trust it feels. So I do not doubt her thoughts on things or her ideas. Only my own.
Do you want to share your theory?
Stella180
16-12-20, 06:39 PM
I told you the other day.
Therapists are not doctors - I would not take their word as cast iron fact.
I know it is easier said than done as I do not always use healthy coping methods - have you thought of discussing coping methods with your therapist or doctor?
Keep talking to us on here - it is a safe and supportive place to share your feelings.
Knowle, Mira’s therapy is very tightly wound in with the rest of his psychiatric team, so any diagnosis will be very considered and dependent on a significant amount of time spent with him
Mira, Jaq’s right, we all experience trauma in very different ways. I know another diagnosis seems unhelpful but they know you and they wouldn’t be talking to you about this if they didn’t think it would be helpful for you all to consider
Sorry my misunderstanding.
Strugglingmum
16-12-20, 09:45 PM
Mira it's just another lens to view things through.
My psychiatrist has talked about 'working diagnosis '
In other words, it's not a definite but it's a way to look at things for a while to see how things develop.
Jaquaia
16-12-20, 09:55 PM
It's also worth noting that if symptoms overlap several disorders in can take a while to reach a definitive diagnosis
Mira, what you went through was major because it happened TO YOU. It's important to not diminish the importance that things have had on you. You've never really talked much about your childhood, you know you can if you want...
Knowle - you weren't to know, but Mira has been here for a long time and we have been with him as he's been getting therapy from some very competent medical professionals in Holland. But, please be careful about doubting the things that others have in place as you may not know the systems/history.
Thanks everyone. I do think there is some validity to what she said today. So its not something I will dismiss or fight against. It was just bad timing since my day was already stressed. And then hearing I went to 5 diagnosis. Since the other 4 are kind of set.
I saw a teacher that teached me when i was 12 and something happened that caused a mini riot. He was terrible to me. But I do not want to talk about these things in the public sections.
And Knowle, there is no need what so ever to apologize for something like that. You are so nice in joining on the threads and never feel that you can not. I am more then happy to give you like an short version of whats going on. Since i posted most of it in the private sections.
So keep posting if you want to. I think its great.
That's a great post love. You're amazing.
You know what Mira? We could do with more people like you on this planet. The world would be a better place and that's the truth. (panda)(panda)
magie06
17-12-20, 05:03 PM
Oh Mira, I never intended to upset you. I love what you write here and on other threads. You are such a kind and thoughtful person. I'm really, really sorry if I offended you.
You never do that Magie. Its all in my own head where that all happens. I think the world of you and know how well you mean everything.
Feeling real flat. I did manage to bake more cookies with mum but felt my mood drop and its getting worse. So I am in bed now and have zero energy left.
Strugglingmum
18-12-20, 03:44 PM
Would a sleep help.
Fighting your head constantly is exhausting (bear)
Are you seeing your mum over the weekend?
I'm exhausted too... Are you being kind to you about it or beating yourself up over it?
my mum is coming over tomorrow to do some more backing. But other then that I am going to be alone. I tried a friend but he is busy, Sorry to hear you are exhausted too Suzi, hope it will soon be better. Thanks SM i did take a nap earlier.\
How are you today love?
Are you able to do something to distract later? What's the weather like? Could you go for a walk/cycle?
I hope you are okay Mira.
Thanks, i am still around (nod)
Not good. I am still real flat and have bad thoughts. I went back to bed so thats where I am now. Have to return to work tomorrow as well. But only a few hours.
I am trying to keep from doing stupid things.
Can you call someone for emergency support?
Did you speak to anybody today?
I dont want to call a help line here. They all suck. I did not speak to anyone. I am watching people stream but thats not helping either.
Could you just ring your mum for a chat?
No I dont want to bother her and she is asleep for sure now. I am going to bed as well. Since i need to get to work.
What time are you working? Are you ready to be going back?
I am going to start at 7:30 and work till 10:30 but then I have 2 therapy sessions in the afternoon. I am doing okish now but going back to work will make me go way up in stress again like before. So we will see how it goes.
I am going to start at 7:30 and work till 10:30 but then I have 2 therapy sessions in the afternoon. I am doing okish now but going back to work will make me go way up in stress again like before. So we will see how it goes.
Good luck for tomorrow - I hope it goes well for you.
Thinking 9f you today (panda)
Hope your morning is going well and that you've put aside some time for self care later. 2 therapy sessions in one day is tough. Be kind to you love.
Been thinking of you today Mira - I hope everything has gone okay for you. Take great care.
Thanks everyone, that means a lot. It was a rough day. At work my supervisor said that this can not go on and that it might be a good idea to look for other work.
Therapy was rough and feeling alone now :(
Trying to keep the bad thoughts away. And i want to say sorry that I have not catched up on all of your threads. I know this period is hard on us all.
Sorry
Stella180
21-12-20, 08:42 PM
Nothing to apologise for mate.
Oh hunni... Do you want to talk about work? Definitely nothing to apologise for.
Thanks everyone, that means a lot. It was a rough day. At work my supervisor said that this can not go on and that it might be a good idea to look for other work.
Therapy was rough and feeling alone now :(
Trying to keep the bad thoughts away. And i want to say sorry that I have not catched up on all of your threads. I know this period is hard on us all.
Sorry
No need to apologise - I am sorry today has been rough for you. I am sorry that your supervisor is being unsupportive at this time and therapy was rough.
We are always here for you.
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Is there someone you could talk to, a union or something like that? Employment advisors?
You have nothing to be sorry for! They aren't very helpful at your workplace are they? Paula has a point though, do you belong to a union? I don't know what you do but there must be some sort of 'staff protection' policy that's in place. It's just not good enough is it?
Hunni, how are you? Are you working this week? Are you being asked to leave or are they going to fire you?
Strugglingmum
22-12-20, 09:53 AM
(panda)
No I dont belong to a union. And they can not just fire me. But if I can stay there does dempend on them wanting me or wanting me gone.
I feel left along. And therapy felt like when I was younger and being bullied. I have not eaten in two days but I binged just now but could not keep it in. I am happy I did not act on my other thoughts but I want all the misery to be over.
Oh love.. Why didn't you eat for 2 days? Do you want to talk about what happened in therapy?
Well we talked about how I have a talk with the work doctor in januari and she said I should stick up for myself since I want to keep my job. I said to her that its terrible difficult for me to do that so I doubt I would. And she started telling me how people fall on there face at times but thats a part of life and everyone has that. I am sure she meant it in a good way. But it felt like being bullied all over again.
And the eating. I was angry at myself and after yesterday with therapy i lost my hunger. This afternoon I got it back but after not keeping it in its gone again. That helps me with the thought of I do not deserve food.
Is there anyone you can contact to help you deal with the work situation? Given you’re poorly, you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. In the UK we have organisations like the Citizens Advice Bureau who will fight your corner in all areas of life - legal, domestic etc and especially wrt employment issues. Do you know of any organisation like that?
tbh I have no idea. But it is something worth looking into, thanks.
How are you feeling this evening Mira?
Hunni, did you want to talk about therapy?
I've had a quick google - would something like this be able to help with your situation at work? https://www.amsterdamlawhub.nl/en/free-legal-advice-centre/free-legal-advice-centre_eng.html
Thanks for the link, I had a look on the website and its not for work related issues. I have a talk with the work doctor on Paula's birthday and I will talk with him about whats going on and what we can do.
Stella180
23-12-20, 10:07 PM
It may be worth contacting them as they may have information on someone who does deal with employment law. Costs nothing to ask.
Sorry, it was only a quick google, but Stella is right, they may know someone who can help - give them a call or an email and ask?
Not just my birthday......
Hey you! You've been quiet, are you OK?
I wish I could curl up and wait till I fell asleep and not wake up anymore. And for people to leave me alone. I am so not worth it.
Jaquaia
27-12-20, 09:11 PM
We disagreebut that doesn't matter until you start to see that yourself (panda)
To many triggers. And my own thoughts adding to it. Having to eat way to much. I am just sick of myself :(
OldMike
28-12-20, 10:00 AM
Oh but your are SO worth it, I wish you could see yourself as others see you.
Must admit I'd like to hibernate and wake up to a covid free world.
Sorry to hear that Mira - is there anything we can do to help?
Are you able to spend some time with your mum?
Hey you, I hate to think of you struggling. The thing is Jaq is right, we could sit here all day telling you every single positive that we can think of, but it's never going to help until you see some of them yourself....
Hunni what triggers? Why eat too much? Did you spend Christmas day with your Mum? Can you get out for a walk today or something?
You are right. I find it so hard to believe it. I activly seem to fight it.
I am in a terrible place now. I keep telling myself that I dont have an eating disorder. Because I use it to punish myself. But I do have one. The reason why does not even matter. I feel weak and faint.
I know some things that would help Knowle but its nothing people here can help with. Thanks for asking. You are just as kind as you thank others for.
I am in bed now. The place I seem to be a lot of the time. I am already hating that I have to get out in the morning and go to work.
Never mind. Could someone delete my last post? Thank you.
Are you sure you want it deleted? It sounds very genuine and honest to me about how you are really feeling...
I dont see how someone can respond to me always complaining about myself.
You are not complaining -being honest is good as we can help or sign post you to appropriate support.
If you don't mind me asking what eating disorder do you have? If you don't feel comfortable disclosing then that is fine.
You never complain, lovely, in fact I’m often relieved when you’re more open about what’s going on - I worry when you try to manage alone.
You aren't complaining you're offloading, there's a difference! It's good for you to get things off your chest. If only you could share what is at the core of all these side effects you're having! I hope you tell your therapist absolutely everything that's going on in your mind and not leaving anything out. It's so important Mira. It can be just one thing that is causing all this misery. One thing that you feel disgusted about yourself - that other's wouldn't! - that you're burying and not talking about that's preventing you from going forward and getting well. I, for one find it sad and frustrating that you're permanently living with this problem that's eating you up day after day after day, and whatever we say or suggest doesn't seem to help. I hope others here will agree. It's only YOU that can set yourself free of this. We're here to help you with absolutely everything because you're loved, but you have to meet us half way.
I am a bit all over the place with my eating. But if I had to say one it would be boulimic. Although at time I restrict in a bad way.
You are right Flo. I should meet you all half way. And step up. It is me that needs to change.
Well that's a start. There are therapists that deal specifically with Bulimia and Anorexia. My friends daughter suffered from Bulimia (she's a life coach now) her mum is a Vicar(ess(giggle)) and was very critical of her kids and their studies and she pushed them really hard. Her daughter C was pushed so hard that she eventually turned Bulimic. She admitted to me that it was the only thing she had control over plus she felt the need to punish herself for not living up to her mum's expectations. I'm not saying for one minute that this applies to you Mira but if you see any similarities of it in yourself it's something you can talk about to your therapist. These things don't happen overnight, they creep up on us over time. Anyway enough of that........try and have a good day. While you're working your mind is elsewhere. Tell us how your day goes.xx
Hey Mira, how are you today? What Flo is saying makes a lot of sense lovely. Eating issues often come from a need to control something when everything else is spiralling out of control...
I am sorry about your eating issues - would you be able to discuss during therapy?
Thanks Knowle. I manage to talk to my therapists about it all so its known. And we are working on things.
Today is a bad day. I noticed that I seem to see things in a different way. From this thread I am reading that I need to man up and take charge of things. That its with me to make a change.
Some guy kept making remarks online when I said I dont think Maradona is the best player of all time.
I dont have enough strength. I could do with a hug and some kindness. But even that I dont get or deserve.
"Man up"? What on earth do you mean by that? I think you're perfectly a man whether you struggle or not.... The fact that you are talking makes you more of a man. Sending you loads of berenkerknuffles... (bear) (bear) (bear)
That I need to stop being whingy and get to work on myself.
But I am tired of it all. Therapy is only showing me all the things I am doing wrong. I just want to give up. Sorry.
You are not whingy! You ARE working on you by talking!!! You've done more of that recently then in all the time I've ever known you.
I dont know. I am just so tired and I am going to hide away in bed. I will be alone and thats ok.
Stella180
29-12-20, 11:31 PM
I agree, I don’t think Maradona is the best player of all time. One of the best players of all time but not necessarily ‘the’ best.
As for therapy, yeah you have to get all the bad stuff out and obviously you haven’t dealt with everything right but isn’t that why your in therapy. Recognising what is wrong is first step and yeah it is hard but you will start to learn better strategies to deal with things. It will feel strange at first implementing those changes but over time it gets easier and you we’ll get better at it and this journey will all be worthwhile.
Stella is right.... That's exactly what therapy is for...
How are you today lovely?
But I am tired of it all. Therapy is only showing me all the things I am doing wrong. I just want to give up. Sorry.
If therapy was ‘wow! Look at what you’re doing! As a therapist, I can’t see anything that we need to work on, it’s all going swimmingly!’ There’d be no need for therapy...... You’re ill, love, and just as I needed help from doctors/physio/psychologists to help me get back as much mobility as I could, you need help from your team to get back as much of your mental wellness as you can - which means challenging a lifetime of feeling like this. Incidentally, the most beneficial thing for me, despite it being a physical issue, was psychology. I believe we can deal with most things if we can challenge the psychological impact they’re having.
Yes, Paula's right...it's the illness on the psychological side that needs to be concentrated on. In laymen's terms Mira, your mind is tearing your physical body apart. Make full use of your therapist, that's what she's there for! Does she give you homework, like for instance to write down when the triggers are set off, and what your thinking is at that moment? Please don't give up on yourself, you're worth so much more. You are so compassionate helpful and kind with regards to others wellbeing, if only you could give yourself some of that treatment. It's the denial that stops you. I was/can be guilty of that too...all the time I concentrated on other people's problems it was an excuse to ignore mine! But the problem doesn't go away until it's faced and dealt with. The trouble is that our lives end up like a permanent horror film day after day like Groundhog Day, and it becomes normal....but it's NOT NORMAL! Next time you go to therapy you need to kick ass! Therapy sessions are gold dust so 'use' your therapist. Don't tell her what she/he wants to hear then come home again and go to bed! I know I'm a nag but I feel so strongly about your wellbeing as I do lots of other folk's too because it's such a painful way to live. A thought has just come to me...*ping*!....do you know whether you have any local groups you can join who meet up and have meetings which is based on anxiety/depression? Might be worth asking your surgery or your therapist. I shall nag no longer....I know I'm a pain in the arse but you see, we all care!....here endeth the lesson!(angel)
Mira you never need to apologise on here.
How are you doing today?
Strugglingmum
30-12-20, 07:16 PM
The thing about therapy, especially for deep-seated issues is that it's not a quick fix. I've been in therapy almost continuously for nearly 3 years...... and my psychologist says we still have a lot to do.
Sometimes I feel I've grasped something, then I lose it again than I find it again and keep it a while then maybe lose it again, then I find it again and manage to hold onto it. Each small component of what I've learnt has been like this. There are some concepts that I haven't been able to grasp yet at all. I have so much hard work ahead of me still to deal with my conditions.
But, I am worth the hard work because I want a future that looks so different to the stuff I've carried around for years. I want to laugh, enjoy life, live without crippling anxiety. I want a life not ruled by flashbacks or nightmares of the past. I want a life where I have learnt to not be controlled by destructive emotions. I'm working on it because i dont want a future that looks like right now.
Mira you deserve that too but you have to want it for you too. You need to believe that change is possible, that life can be better. When I couldnt believe that, the people here believed for me and helped me hang on till I could believe it.
And when I lose my way and doubt it, you all remind me that life will be different for me some day. That therapy does work and meds do help.
Keep gritting your teeth and hanging on. You deserve so much happiness and I know that you can work through everything to get there.
Amazing post SM...everyone deserves happiness in their lives. I used to work for a lady that had a very old stitched scene on the wall. It said under this galleon: "Don't wait for your ship to come in...row out and meet it." It's something I try to incorporate in my life. xx
You are all spot on. Thank you all so much for posting all of this. It shows me and everyone else that reads all of this what wonderful people there are on this forum here. To have such a array of bright colors here is a gift.
I will never forget that (panda)
Strugglingmum
30-12-20, 11:45 PM
Just to remind you, you are one of those bright colours every time you talk to me(bear)
And to add you are one of those bright colours every time you post :)
I agree, you always shine brilliantly brightly for me.
As I said in my last post I will never forget the great friendly group of people I have met here. So many have a special place in my heart. And I wish you all the best! Goodbye every one. I hope we all have a good 2021 (panda)
Stella180
31-12-20, 10:15 PM
Goodbye? Ermmm, what?
I've sent Mira a pm asking him to clarify that he is safe.
Stella180
31-12-20, 11:16 PM
I did send him a New Years text aware on the time difference almost an hour ago but no response. Really worried by him.
I had a rough night but I am ok. I did not mean to give the idea of me doing something stupid. Sorry for that. The goodbye I said because I dont want to take anyones time anymore. Sorry for causing confussion
Happy New Year sweetheart!.....make 2021 'your' year to shine! XXX
You’re not taking anyone’s time that we don’t want to give to you, gorgeous
Strugglingmum
01-01-21, 10:20 AM
So glad to see your name and post. I dont know what your head is telling you but this is somewhere that is always pleased to hear from you and people reply because they care about you. Xx
If I didn't want to post on your thread and if I wasn't interested in you then I wouldn't read and certainly wouldn't post!!!
I'm glad you've posted.
I am glad you have posted here too but sorry you have had a rough night.
As others have said if we did not want to post on this thread we would not - we do so because we care and want to give you support.
Take care of yourself.
Stella180
01-01-21, 01:01 PM
I was worried about you. Glad you’re posting and that you are ok.
Hi, love, how are you doing?
Hey hunni, how are things?
Hi Mira! What are you up to today? Got anything planned? Hope all is well.
Thanks for asking Knowle, I am in a bad place at the moment. Not knowing what to do with myself or how to handle things right now. I am doing my best not to have things spiral out of controle. I have posted something in the private section of the forum and it makes me question everything about me and if I should be around here anymore.
Jaquaia
04-01-21, 03:48 PM
You should be. It changes nothing. So there!
Really good to see you posting (panda)
As Jaq says, it changes nothing and we would really, really miss you if you left us
Strugglingmum
04-01-21, 04:12 PM
Hi Mira. I'm sorry you are feeling not in a good place. Really pleased to see you here.
Thanks everyone. But no need to apologize. I truly believe I do deserve it. And I am to run down to fight those thoughts at the moment.
I am not posting on other threads. I feel vulnerable and scared. Not just because of myself but my feelings and "confession".
Jaquaia
04-01-21, 04:31 PM
You're still here. We'll take that. In time you'll see that it really has made zero difference to us (panda)
It's lovely that you're posting and you need never be frightened of anything all the while we're here for you. All you need to know is that you're loved unconditionally and you have our support. We aren't going anywhere!
Of course you should still be here. We care about you. Nothing you've said scares any of us, it's just been something tough for you.
The things I like make me feel horrible or like a freak or failure. No friends or people that come over and want to spend time with me. Online people keep complaining about my gaming. Feelings that are out of place or not wanted. Sorry its complaining but I am sick of it all. Sick of myself (envy)
Stella180
04-01-21, 06:52 PM
Hey, you genuinely have nothing to worry about where this forum is concerned mate. Always good to see you posting
Mira you are a very well liked member of this forum - you will never be judged on here and can speak openly. It is a completely safe place to talk.
Your contributions are well thought out and kind and you come across as a genuinely nice person.
Take care and if you need to talk - we are always here.
What do you mean with the gaming community?
Thanks Knowle, the bad part for me is that I always feel judged. Even when its not needed. I even feel judged by my mother who is a wonderful amazing woman. And others in my family and friends. So by everyone. Even if they are kind to me or nice.
I have been putting a lot of time in this game I am playing but i am still learning. And people like to rage way more then to be friendly in games. So that leaves me feeling terrible and want to quit all the time. I dont even make groups anymore with the good group of people I play with.
Jaquaia
04-01-21, 08:32 PM
That says much more about them then it does you!
I am failing, sorry everyone......
I completely agree with Jaq!
Are your family and your Mum actually judging you, or do you feel that they are?
Why are you failing?
I can not change my thinking. I feel the urge to run and harm. But that will make my fears a selffufilling profecy.
So there is no right way to go :(
Only destroying.
Sorry for posting what I did. I should have kept it all inside. My crazy is out and thats not good when I am always alone. I can not cope.
Jaquaia
04-01-21, 09:41 PM
Stop and breathe. Take it minute by minute of you need to. You will get through this
You haven't posted anything that you shouldn't have done. You're fine....
Breathe love. Try some mindfulness or meditation if you can to help you to calm..
Thing is, love, you’d been trying to say it for a long while so it was obviously eating you up. I’m glad you opened up about this - I just wish you hadn’t expected us to go running a mile from you
I am glad that you have opened up about this as well.
You are definitely not crazy - in fact you have just done a very brave thing by opening up.
You're going to be ok Mira...opening up about things is cleansing for you and hopefully one less thing for you to worry about.(bear)
Sorry to hear that Mira. Could you talk to your Mum at all?
Have you managed to have anything to eat today?
I struggled with food, i did manage to eat one meal. Thanks.
YAY! You've posted! That's really awesome! Well done!
I'm glad you've eaten something....
Mira..award yourself a gold star!! Good to see you! Suzi can we have a gold star emoji???
Hey, love, it’s good to see you :)
magie06
05-01-21, 08:00 PM
I haven't been around for a while, but I'm so glad that you are still here. You have a great insight and this form would be at a loss if you are not around.
Thanks Magie, that means a lot to me. I hold you in such high regard (panda)
As others have said I am glad to see you posting and hear that you have eaten.
How are you this evening?
I kind of have a bad evening. Lots of looking at a wall and having bad thoughts. But doing my best.
Jaquaia
05-01-21, 08:28 PM
Doing your best is all you can do and you're doing brilliantly
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