How can I support mum?

[CheekyMonkey]

Hello, I am new to the site and I joined because my mum has had depression and anxiety for many many many years :(

I feel so helpless, I do everything within my power to help, and it really affects me (even if I try for it not to) when she's upset or angry. I am quite an anxious person myself, so I try to have the patience that she needs and deserves, but sometimes I just cannot cope. I try to listen and give advice, I don't live at home as I am married, but we see each other almost every day and we talk a few times a day. She lives by herself so we only have each other (as well as my lovely husband).

Please tell me, what do your loved ones do to make you feel better/provide good support? Or what has worked for you to help your depression?

Her depression has got better little by little over the past 5 or so years, which has been really positive, but she's going through a bit of a downer this month. This happens if any challenges happen, even if these are not big, I understand but it's difficult to see her struggle with every bump along the road.

[Marc]

hello, i just want to say hello and welcome to the site, i myself suffer with depression, im not sure im the best person to advise you, but i am happy to give you the side of a sufferer in as honest way as i can. may ask first if your mother is on any medication?

[CheekyMonkey]

Thank you Marc. Yes, she is on medication, she (and I) believes she finally found the correct medication a couple of years ago. She has received support to some extent from local services as well, including some counselling. What I'm worried about is her ability to cope with day to day struggles

[Marc]

depression is a strange illness, and im my opinion is badly named. many people feel down and depressed at different times in thier lives, but suffering with depression is different to feeling depressed.

for me its often like a sunday morning, that feeling of not wanting to get up, try and imagine that but far far more intense, to the degree that the only thing that will get you up is desperation, for example needing the loo, needing food of drink doesnt give enough drive to move

next is to consider the way depression has a snowball effect on itself, for example... when i had a break down, everything in me switched off, coupled with the anti-depressant i felt nothing, like all emotions from the best to the worst were compacted into a void of numbness (for want of a better phrase). during this i used to watch my kids plays, they were kids being kids, playing loudly and being "normal". if im honest i found my kids irratating, but didnt wish them any harm, and spent little time with them. they it was like a house full of someone else children.

once i started to recover, one of my daughters looked at me and smiled, and said "i love you daddy", as this happened i looked back and "felt" for the first time in months, they were now my kids, and i felt love for them.

then i felt guilt for the way i had been (totally out of my control) but i still felt the guilt :( and as the guilt grew, i felt down, and started to slide again, a viscous circle

you will finf your mum will suffer with many issues in life, the smallest thing can be huge. for example a letter, to you and anyone "normal" would just open it. end of story. to your mum and other sufferers it cant be so hard, your start to look at the letter, if its a brown one, it could be bad news, so you leave it unopened, then the anxioty grows, and before you know where you are so far you into how bad it could be that you are imagining a situation of the news contained in this unopened letter, that you start to slide agian

when ill i rarely if ever awnsered the phone, i still find that hard.

as for your mum, maybe if you tell me what areas you want help with as i suspect i could sit her and type for days :)

[Marc]

Thank you Marc. Yes, she is on medication, she (and I) believes she finally found the correct medication a couple of years ago. She has received support to some extent from local services as well, including some counselling. What I'm worried about is her ability to cope with day to day struggles

you are welcome, the keys things to remember are that she will find it hard to ask for help, one will be shame, another will be she will just bury her head in the sand (please don't take this as a dig at your mother, as im talking from my own experience) she will need help, and a little prompting, but one thing i must stress, dont try using guilt as a way motivating, as will have a dramatic negative effect

[Diablo]

Hiya CheekyMonkey.
Not much I can add to what Marc said, as depression is not my main issue.
But welcome to the site, there are plenty here in your situation, love.(bear)


once i started to recover, one of my daughters looked at me and smiled, and said "i love you daddy", as this happened i looked back and "felt" for the first time in months, they were now my kids, and i felt love for them.

Awww, that made me fill up!!!

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome!
I'm Marc's wife and have been through his depression as "with him" as it is possible to be...

I think for us the key things were talking about things, about how he was feeling, but also about how I was feeling.

I also asked him to focus on doing 1 "simple" task a day in the beginning and then 2, then 3 etc so it built up.

(panda) to you because it's so hard...

[CheekyMonkey]

Thank you Marc, perhaps I just needed to talk to somebody who understands. I have never had depression, I have been rock bottom but have bounced up fairly quickly many times with the support from my wonderful mum. I understand depression as much as an ‘outsider’ can understand it I think.

What you described in your posts, I have seen. For someone to watch, try and help and for the person to still be down, is a difficult thing to go through, nowhere near as difficult as the person who has depression, but the feelings of being powerless of helping someone else are overwhelming.

So far, what I have seen is that depression is a horrible indiscriminate illness, it grabs people by their feet and pulls them down. I am so proud of my mum to have got as far as she has got. There has been such as positive improvement over the last few years, tiny steps, and I often remind her of these, his makes her happy and she often says she hasn't realised how far she’s come.

What you said about asking for help strikes a chord with me. I think I’m the only person that she trusts implicitly, and it took many years for her to learn to trust me, but she likes to prove she is independent, and I have to find the fine line of giving her the space she needs (having her own space is a biggie for her), but also being there when she needs me, as a lot of the time I feel I’m having to guess when she wants me around, and sometimes I get it wrong. She knows I’ll be there for her no matter what, but I don’t understand why she won’t tell me when she needs me to be there or when she doesn't want me to come round and I have to half guess.

I am full of admiration for people like my mum, and yourself, who have unfairly been affected by this illness, but are fighting it head on as much as it is possible to do so.

[Marc]

Thank you Marc, perhaps I just needed to talk to somebody who understands. I have never had depression, I have been rock bottom but have bounced up fairly quickly many times with the support from my wonderful mum. I understand depression as much as an ‘outsider’ can understand it I think.

What you described in your posts, I have seen. For someone to watch, try and help and for the person to still be down, is a difficult thing to go through, nowhere near as difficult as the person who has depression, but the feelings of being powerless of helping someone else are overwhelming.

So far, what I have seen is that depression is a horrible indiscriminate illness, it grabs people by their feet and pulls them down. I am so proud of my mum to have got as far as she has got. There has been such as positive improvement over the last few years, tiny steps, and I often remind her of these, his makes her happy and she often says she hasn't realised how far she’s come.

What you said about asking for help strikes a chord with me. I think I’m the only person that she trusts implicitly, and it took many years for her to learn to trust me, but she likes to prove she is independent, and I have to find the fine line of giving her the space she needs (having her own space is a biggie for her), but also being there when she needs me, as a lot of the time I feel I’m having to guess when she wants me around, and sometimes I get it wrong. She knows I’ll be there for her no matter what, but I don’t understand why she won’t tell me when she needs me to be there or when she doesn't want me to come round and I have to half guess.

I am full of admiration for people like my mum, and yourself, who have unfairly been affected by this illness, but are fighting it head on as much as it is possible to do so.

i have been thinking about this question, and i dont really know if im honest, but i do have a theory, and this applies to me, so maybe your mum too

at my lowest i existed, nothing more, but that was it. i could do very little for myself. im not a stupid person, some may say the opersite. so the thing is everything about when i was down i remember, and it frustrates me. why cant i awnser the phone? why cant i open a letter? why cat i go to a busy supermarket on my own? i know all these issues are in my head, i KNOW they are silly, and yet i cant change it.

the bottom line is that i had very little control of my life, and i cling on to what i can control. also with your mum, she will be anxious, she will be 99% sure you can say to "dont come round today, as i need some space" she is 99% sure that you will understand :) but, that 1%, that 1% is the depression talking, and its enough to make her hold back, she cannot handle the idea of upsetting you or pushing you away. i know, you know and she knows that she cant push you away like that, but that 1% of doubt is too hard to over-come

when you say you a re proud of what your mum has achieved, i can understand that, but when i look at my self and my own achievements, i am not. this will sound odd i know, but i look at myself before becoming ill, and with all the progress i have made i am still no where near where i was before becoming ill, so i struggle to see progress, more like 10 steps back, and only 2 forward. i can see the progress others make, and im really proud of what they have done, i just cant see my own.

oh, one thing i must add here and to my sig strip is that i am dislyxic so please excuse grammar and spelling, and if i write something that comes across in the wrong way, please re-read in case i have messed up :D

[CheekyMonkey]

she will be anxious, she will be 99% sure you can say to "dont come round today, as i need some space" she is 99% sure that you will understand :) but, that 1%, that 1% is the depression talking, and its enough to make her hold back, she cannot handle the idea of upsetting you or pushing you away. i know, you know and she knows that she cant push you away like that, but that 1% of doubt is too hard to over-come

Wow, I have never thought of it this way, it makes perfect sense! It really helps to explore different ideas to make me understand different situations better, and in turn being a better support and more understanding.

All I can say is that I can see little steps and how over time they add up to substantial changes. If you've taken 2 steps forwards, be proud of your hard work and what you have achieved, it sets the way for further changes. I am sure your family are immensely proud of you, but it's important that you also recognise your own achievements x

[Suzi]

I'm incredibly proud of him, but he doesn't see what I do...

I know what you mean about the fine line of giving space and pushing to help.. it's something that Marc'll tell you I struggle with.

You sound like a tower of strength and someone who is just amazing. Your Mum is very lucky to have you around and being such a support. Please though, just don't lose sight of "you" in all this too. Yes it's important to look out for her, but it's important to get some you time in there too...

[veggie]

Hello cheekymonkey,i can't really add to what has already been said but wanted to say a big well done you for being so suportive of your mum,as a person who suffers with depression i know that support is one of the biggest things needed....so huge(bear)to you for being so fab.

[Aspasia]

^ what she said, I think your mum is very lucky to have you in her life, and please do keep coming to the site and talking - you need to look after you first, in order to be able to help your mum!

(panda)

[CheekyMonkey]

Thanks everyone, I do try to look after myself ... and I'm lucky that even with all her problems, mum encourages me to do so to, she's a very loving and caring person.... problem is she puts herself last a lot of the time! I am by no means the perfect support, but I try my best. My mum will as well at times support me, although I try not to burden her with my problems, we are so close it's inevitable sometimes. When she's well, she can be a great tower of strength, it's important that the relationship works both ways, it's good for her self-esteem too.

By the way, I have just spent the last few hours together and she was in such a good jolly mood, we had a good laugh and a chat so it was great. The only sad bit to the evening is that we called our family (who are on the other side of the world) and spoke to my grandparents, my grandmother also suffers from depression and she's not been doing so well in the last few days. She has my grandad who is a really happy person, but he just doesn't understand.... and my aunt, who is lovely and a great person but too brutally honest sometimes. I feel so guilty for being so far away! I wish I could be everywhere!

[Suzi]

No one can be everywhere hun! You need to give yourself a break! :)

You sound like such a lovely person! So glad that you had a lovely afternoon with your Mum!

[Lostfriend]

it sound like you have alot to handle , at this time i would say, you and mum sound like you got a good thing going best of luck and big HUGS

[CheekyMonkey]

I'm incredibly proud of him, but he doesn't see what I do...

I'm sure you know and do already, but it's so important, essential even, to give positive, truthful encouragement, even when it seems that it's going through on ear and out of the other (or not going in at all)! I have found out through time that it does :)

[CheekyMonkey]

it sound like you have alot to handle , at this time i would say, you and mum sound like you got a good thing going best of luck and big HUGS

I'm lucky to have got to know her true self over the years and see her progress, it took a lot of work, lots of tears and communication. And I'm even luckier to have her as my mum, she truly is a wonderful person x

[MaraUT]

Sending my hugs to you, love. It's hard when family is around the world, but we can't be everywhere physically. Just keep the communication lines open.

[Lostfriend]

yes i know what you mean.