View Full Version : Bad episode of depression **SU Triggers**
Hi,
I have suffered on and off with depression and anxiety since I was 20 (I am almost 34 now). Since February 2015 it has been well managed with the antidepressant Mirtazapine which stopped working. I have tried Escitaloprám which made things worse and I ended up going off sick from work for a month. I made the mistake of rushing back to work far too soon and after returning on reduced hours for 3 weeks I went off sick again and am now on week 6 of this current sickness.
My medication has been changed to Venlafaxine which has made some improvements but I am still not feeling well and am still having to battle thoughts of ending my own life on a daily basis. I am terrified to go through with this for fear of botching it and ending up permanently disabled or even brain damaged.
My energy levels are low and I am struggling to motivate myself to do anything productive and am just getting through each day.
In the long-term I would like to get better and meet a nice girl to settle down with but I have no confidence with this and have never had a girlfriend. A close platonic female friend has offered to help me with online dating but I find this very intimidating. I have never had much trouble making friend or getting on with people but I don't have great social skills.
I am now signed off work until 7th December but am dreading going back and having to face my colleagues who will have to pick up my work in the meantime. Going back unsuccessfully has knocked my confidence too. I work for a major public sector employer and the management have been very supportive which has helped.
Sorry for the long post but this seems a really safe and supportive place to share my story.
Hi and welcome to DWD. It's great that you've been keeping talking to your Dr about how you are feeling. Have you ever had any talking therapy?
Hi, hunni, and welcome. Im so sorry things are tough right now. How long have you been on Venlafaxine? ADs take, generally, 6-8 weeks to really start working, and the same again for dose increases. Were you planning on going back to work atm?
Strugglingmum
25-11-20, 10:27 AM
Hi and welcome. You're right this is a warm safe place to talk.
You say you are just getting through each day but when you are so poorly, that's a fantastic achievement. Getting through is ok for now. You are exhausted fighting those battles in your head and you really need to rest, eat, plenty of fluids and try and get some fresh air every day, even just for 5 minutes.
Hi, thanks so much for your lovely responses.
I have been on Venlafaxine for just over 7 weeks - two weeks on 37.5 mg, the next two weeks on 75 mg, the next three weeks on 150 mg and from this week 225 mg. My GP says it can be increased further but only under the supervision of a psychiatrist.
With regards to returning to work I would dearly love to return soon - I quite enjoy my job and going to work and making a positive contribution to a vital public service gives me a lot of job satisfaction. As I said previously I have already made the mistake of rushing back to work too quickly but I am acutely aware that I cannot wait to get up to 100% before going back.
I have had six counselling sessions which have been arranged through the Employment Assistance Program - some of it was helpful and some not so much.
I am lucky I have numerous good friends who have been very supportive - one close friend in particular has been just wonderful.
Hi and welcome!(hi) once your AD's have kicked in, you'll feel heaps better. Keep posting and share the load.
Stella180
25-11-20, 03:48 PM
Welcome to DWD
So glad you've got supportive friends.
You've had a few meds changes without it having chance to adjust properly so it's going to take a while and probably be a bit rough for a little while. Can you be kind to you whilst it's helping? Maybe focus on the basics for a while so getting up, getting dressed, eating and drinking properly and trying to get some exercise and be as social as you can too?
Welcome here. So nice to meet you.
I have spoken to my GP this afternoon and she has advised that I have to give the dosage until 7th December to work and we can assess then whether I am fit to return to work and whether the dosage needs to be increased further.
I can see some light at the end of the tunnel - it has been a tough few months.
Meeting a special someone and perhaps even getting married is my long-term ambition but I am not sure whether that is possible. I have seen other posts on here about loneliness so I know it is difficult. I have always thought that no-one would ever want me which is what depresses me more than being single.
That was a good conversation you had with the GP I think? And its so true. Give the meds the chance to do what they are supposed to do.
I like your long term goal. I have the same and its a nobel one. I am single and I feel lonely a lot. But in my last serious relationship I have felt lonely too.
And I know what you mean with no one would ever want you. To be honoust I feel that about myself too. But try to also see the realistic side of it? You can question yourself if you want. When you think that ask yourself is that really true?
You are coming across as a perfectly fine nice young gentleman. Thats not in the best of places at the moment. I am 100% convinced there is a lovely lady out there for you as well.
Hunni, my husband had depression, anxiety, social phobia and undiagnosed aspergers syndrome before I knew him. I fell in love with him. He's had 2 breakdowns and we've been to hell and back quite a few times. We're still together and have been for almost 22 years and I love him more today than I ever have done. Having ill mental health does not make you unlovable! You just haven't met the right person yet....
There’s been so many times over the years when I’ve been convinced my husband would be better off without me, that he surely couldn’t love me given how vile I thought I was, and that he was only with me because he felt sorry for me and was too kind to leave me. None of which is true. In fact, the opposite is true. He tells me that he is proud of me every day because I fight, that I’m the strong one for getting through what I do and that he loves me even more because of it. The right person, hunni, will say the same to you.
Thanks so much for all of your lovely responses - it does raise my spirits.
My mood really dipped last night and I felt very unwell and was having suicidal thoughts. I have managed to get a good night's sleep - the Venlafaxine causes me to have very vivid and lucid and frankly weird dreams. I therefore woke up feeling quite upset just after 9 and still have not bothered getting up.
I do feel quite low today but not as bad as I was feeling a few weeks ago. I can see some light at the end of the tunnel but it will take a little time to get there.
Your lovely responses do give me hope of meeting someone one day.
I'm glad you're feeling a bit more cheery now. When your meds kick in properly I think you'll feel so much better. I was on some antibiotics a few weeks ago and I had some weird dreams too..I was so pleased to wake up..haha! We're all here for you to chat to. When the time is right you'll find someone that's just right for you.
Did you reach out to anyone when you were having those thoughts? There's always the Samaritans by phone, or SHOUT by text (text 85258 it's free and available 24/7)?
Have you managed to get up? Eat? Drink? Medicate?
Hi, thanks again for your lovely responses - I spent most of the morning in bed and then got up and had a late breakfast and had to have a nap after taking my Venlafaxine as it made me tired.
I am reading a self help book on depression which I hope will be helpful.
I had to go and get prescriptions - I also have Diazepam to help with my anxiety and some Zopiclone also to help me sleep as and when needed.
I am finding my days off work go in quite quickly. I have signed up to Disney plus to watch The Simpsons (I stopped watching at Season 23 almost 9 years ago so have many episodes to catch up on!). I am also reading a Stephen King book too and have a stack of DVD films to watch.
The Samaritans are a wonderful organisation - I have been in regular contact with them through email in the last 3 months. I have also signed up to donate to them on a regular basis.
What's the Stephen King book you're reading?
It's great that you are in contact with the Samaritans. They really are fabulous.
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon - I am really enjoying it.
The Samaritans are indeed fabulous - really kind people who ensure that everyone has someone they can turn to. I feel I can say things to them I cannot to other people.
I am still having suicidal thoughts but do not feel I can tell anyone in person. I told a close friend at work in August who immediately and rightly told my line manager. Both were hugely supportive - my line manager took me out for a drink at a local pub where we talked things over and she offered numerous ways to further support me. This is something I still feel embarrassed about.
I do not think I want to die but I do not feel I have great deal to live for but I do not want to devastate people close to me. My Mum has already lost her husband (my Dad) to cancer and I am the only decent person she has and can count on. It would also devastate a number of close friends. I am also so scared of botching an attempt and leaving myself permanently disabled.
Why do you feel embarrassed that your line manager wanted to help?
You have loads to live for. Why not try joining in with our fab 5's so you can help to see some of the positives?
Why are you embarrassed about work? You are not the first and definitely won’t be the last to need this kind of support from their bosses, in fact I think it’s brilliant that they are being so supportive - that level of understanding has been a long time coming.
Hunni, I know how it feels like eternity waiting for the meds to do their job but please, please hold on. The right meds can change your life - and venlafaxine is fantastic for so many people (inc me). In the meantime, be kind to you. We’ve got a self care section http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?64-Self-care which will give you great tips on how to look after yourself.
Stella180
27-11-20, 10:24 AM
I am also so scared of botching an attempt and leaving myself permanently disabled.
I know this one all too well. Feeling suicidal isn’t always about wanting to die. It’s not wanting to live the life you have and not wanting to make it worse for you and the people you care abour. The number of times I’ve felt like stepping off a kerb onto a busy street but I know with my luck I’d survive but end up in a wheel chair for life of something.
Thanks as always for all of your lovely responses - I have had a better day. My mood is still quite low but not as bad as yesterday and certainly much better than a few weeks ago.
I have 10 days before I am due back at work so will have to determine then whether I am fit to return or whether the Venlafaxine needs increasing further.
Just done my Fab 5 which I found uplifting.
That’s really good to hear! :)
Stella180
27-11-20, 09:36 PM
That is really positive that you are getting involved in the Fab 5s so soon. I know when I first started here it was really hard to see any positives but was helped to see that getting out of bed, or taking a shower or cooking a meal were actually huge positives when you are feeling incredibly low. As time when by I eventually learned to see more positives in my week. Sometimes getting out of bed every day it the biggest achievement any one person can make when it feels like there is no way forward. It gets easier I promise.
Well done for joining in with the fab 5's and it's great to see you're joining in and posting.
I know this might not be easy all the time. But try not to think of work to much. This time it yours. And for the next ten days. And all the days after it you are most important. I am sure you have heard this before but its so true.
If you are doing good everything around you is going better too.
This is a great communitie. And eventhough at times it seems we are all sad everybody loves positive feelings and good things in life. So be proud that you posted in the fab 5.
Try to get as much smiles as possible. Even if its just a little one.
Thanks again for your lovely messages - you are a truly wonderful group of people who are so caring.
Yes the next 9 days are entirely for me to try and get myself well and hopefully return to work on 7th December - this will probably be on reduced hours initially.
Today has been a bit up and down - I have been out for a walk which has helped somewhat. I am on day 6 of my increased dosage of the Venlafaxine at 225 mg and on Monday I will have been on it for 8 weeks in total. I definitely feel this is the right one for me but we may have to increase the dosage further. I generally take it with my breakfast and it makes me feel tired and of sorts afterwards - I am hoping this passes soon.
I hope everyone is okay today?
I’m on 375 mg and I take mine in split doses - at breakfast and at lunch.if the side effects continue and bother you, it might be worth talking to your doctor about whether they think that might help you. Of course, changes should never be done without a doctors supervision
I'm glad you're heading back with reduced hours. That should help you to settle in better.
Venlafaxine has helped my husband massively, but it does have tiredness with it too.... So he had his switched to split dosages. 1x 2ce a day.
Hi - thanks to both Paula and Suzi for your replies on Venlafaxine. For some reason my GP has specified me to take the 225mg as separate 150mg and 75mg XR but at the same time rather than just prescribing me 225mg.
Today has been up and down - not really achieved much but did go out for some exercise at least. At the moment I am finding tasks quite overwhelming. I have a stack of films I ordered in September but have not managed to watch any of them.
My main concern is the prospect of returning to work - I am signed off until 8th December but really do not know if I will be up to it even on a phased return. In September I made the mistake of rushing back too early and it really set me back but on the other hand I cannot wait until I get fully well so how do I make that judgement?
I am also really worried about seeing my colleagues when I go back - there is still a stigma about mental health and my colleagues will have been covering my work. We were short staffed to start with in the department.
Are you sure they're meant to be taken together? I'd have thought that was a split dose or I can't see why you wouldn't just get the whole dose in one pill.... Could you call to check?
Well done for getting out for some exercise. That's a great positive. Why haven't you watched the films? What tasks are you finding tough?
Hunni, you have nothing to be embarrassed about and if you tell people you've been off with depression then you might make it easier for someone else to talk...
Are you sure they're meant to be taken together? I'd have thought that was a split dose or I can't see why you wouldn't just get the whole dose in one pill.... Could you call to check?
Well done for getting out for some exercise. That's a great positive. Why haven't you watched the films? What tasks are you finding tough?
Hunni, you have nothing to be embarrassed about and if you tell people you've been off with depression then you might make it easier for someone else to talk...
Hi Suzi,
Thanks for your response - yes my GP was very specific to take them together. She is seeking advice from the Psychiatrist so said she wants flexibility. I have a prescription prepayment certificate so money wise it does not matter but I am going to ask her to change to single capsules when I speak to her on 7th December.
I just find the thought of sitting down watching a film quite overwhelming. I am finding even simple tasks overwhelming - reading a book, watching a show on Netflix, washing my clothes or cleaning.
I live at home with my Mum who is retired and think I would be in a real state if on my own.
With regards to going back to work there is a stigma with depression and anxiety and my line manager has pretty much told me that my colleagues already know. The thought of going back in and talking openly about my mental health is more than I can bear.
Hey knowle. Its ok to feel overwhelmed by simple tasks. We all have that at times and its a good tell that we need to be extra kind to ourselfs. I live alone and on many days I dont do much. But on other days I do. And with tv and movies. I am fragile lately and things can trigger me so I only watch cartoons. Nothing else.
From the last few posts I can read that you have a good idea about the things you struggle with. But what are some things you can still do? Any hobbies? Things to pass the time?
And with regards to work. I believe that bottom line everybody wants you to feel good and be in a good place. And you can not change what other people think or say. If that was even remotely possible I would have nailed it by now ☺️.
The only thing we can truly do something about is ourselfs. And we have unlimited pottential. Yes you too! But no rush. One step at a time.
So what gets you in good spirit? Whats something you like?
Oh one thing I wanted to mention is that I work in a field where the men are "tough" and stern and all those things. And they have been so suportive. I never would have imagined it. But I get such lovely msgs from them every now and then. Maybe your co workers will surprise you too?
Hey knowle. Its ok to feel overwhelmed by simple tasks. We all have that at times and its a good tell that we need to be extra kind to ourselfs. I live alone and on many days I dont do much. But on other days I do. And with tv and movies. I am fragile lately and things can trigger me so I only watch cartoons. Nothing else.
From the last few posts I can read that you have a good idea about the things you struggle with. But what are some things you can still do? Any hobbies? Things to pass the time?
And with regards to work. I believe that bottom line everybody wants you to feel good and be in a good place. And you can not change what other people think or say. If that was even remotely possible I would have nailed it by now ☺️.
The only thing we can truly do something about is ourselfs. And we have unlimited pottential. Yes you too! But no rush. One step at a time.
So what gets you in good spirit? Whats something you like?
Thanks Mira for your response - some of the things I like are not available due to Covid 19. My main passion is watching my local football team but I have not done this since March but at least I can still stream the games online. I also have some very good friends who I cannot socialise with due to Covid.
I do not think watching TV or films would trigger me at the moment but even picking up a book seems like a huge effort. I am spending most of my days in bed surfing the internet which does not do much for my mood.
You are right that I cannot change how my colleagues react to me - I am well liked at work and I hope it remains that way!
Of course it’ll remain that way- mental health, particularly men’s mental health, is being talked about more and more. And these are your colleagues and, I hope, friends. I am sure they will want to support and encourage you.
As for the venlafaxine, I take mine in150mg and 75mg at breakfast time, and 150mg at lunchtime.
Absolutely it'll remain that way!
What about instead of watching a movie or reading a book you make it easier for yourself. What about an episode of a TV show or listening to a chapter on audible or similar?
Strugglingmum
30-11-20, 09:30 AM
I used to love movies, dramas etc but have lost passion for them since I took ill. My CPN at the time used to tell me my house was too quiet, I needed some background noise etc.
I used to put on documentaries/ travel/cookery etc about all sorts of odd stuff.
They didn't take too much concentration, it didn't matter if I zoned out for a while, I could put on a short one or a longer one etc.
Can I make some suggestions?
The Repair Shop
Secret Scotland with Susan Calman
Gordon, Gino and Fred's roadtrips
Billy Connolly's tours
These are all light-hearted but interesting too.
They might help pass an hour or two and might give you a laugh too.
Stella180
30-11-20, 10:49 AM
And anything by David Attenborough. Something about his voice. Very calming.
Yes, David Attenborough is an incredible man and I am going to watch some of his documentaries on BBC I Player this week.
I have had the same usual kind of day - relaxing and not getting out of bed until quite late. I have been for my usual walk and also arranged to catch up with an old friend on Friday on the telephone.
I am also reading this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Better-Learned-Survive-Depression/dp/152933182X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1CA8RCK5BUL6B&dchild=1&keywords=alastair+campbell&qid=1606758968&sprefix=alast%2Caps%2C191&sr=8-1 Anything that will help me learn something new to manage my depression.
In truth I am much improved from a few weeks ago and am hopeful that I will not need to increase my Venlafaxine from 225 mg and be able to return to work next week.
Did you think about calling your dr about splitting the dosage?
Did you think about calling your dr about splitting the dosage?
Hi Suzi,
I have a telephone consultation penciled in with my GP for next Monday morning - I will certainly ask her then about the possibility of splitting to help with the fatigue. I had to have a lie down and nap after taking my Venlafaxine this morning despite having over 7 hours sleep. My legs really ache after just going for an hours walk which is not good for a fairly fit 33 year old man.
My mood is still low and I am still getting suicidal thoughts but not as strong as a few weeks and months ago. Through my employer I have access to a 24 hour helpline where I can speak to a trained counsellor - they have have advised me to think of such thoughts as a symptom of my depression rather than actually wanting to die.
How are you today Suzi?
Good thanks. I'm glad you're going to talk to her about it.
I'm glad that you;re feeling brighter.
That is a good thought they wanted you to have. I like it because it can maybe ease the blaming if thats something you do. I do that a lot and knowing that its part of my disorders instead of what I want helps me at times and I hope it helps you too.
That can also be the case with the sleeping. It can be meds, it can be the depression. It can be a number of things. But again if its what you really needed then thats ok. And think nothing of it. Keep going on. You are doing great.
You’re poorly, that always takes it out of us, including mental health illnesses. And you’re still getting used to the venlafaxine. So, while you’re off work, allow yourself to be tired, to not have the energy to go for a long walk (an hour? When I was at my worst I couldn’t manage 5 minutes!). If you had any other illness, you wouldn’t expect this of you.......
Thanks as always for your responses. I had a real wobble last night where I felt very, very low and suicidal and anxious. I took a Diazepam to calm myself down.
I have had a better day today - it is definitely the Venlafaxine which is making me feel tired as I slept for 7 hours and after felt quite refreshed when I woke up and after taking the meds went back to bed and slept for an hour at lunchtime. Maybe splitting the dosage will help with this - I am going to ask my GP next week.
I do not feel as tired this afternoon and managed to go for a long walk which has really boosted my mood and made me feel better.
The low mood is still there but the Venlafaxine seems to have reduced the pain rather than eradicate it - I am also getting very weird and lucid dreams most nights which can be quite upsetting.
I am also still in touch with the Samaritans through email which is very helpful.
Strugglingmum
01-12-20, 06:28 PM
You certainly are doing lots of positive things to help your mental health
I came here to say the same SM. I agree with that so much.
A lot of us are going through these periode of our lives alone. And there is no need for that. And you are reaching out instead of closing up. Be proud of that. You are going o. You are trying your best. And in sharing it with others you are showing everyone that we need to go on. We are not alone. There are so many that struggle.
Thank you for that Knowle.
It's great that you are using the tools around you to help with how you are feeling. That shows great strength.
I have had a difficult day today - not feeling well at all and I am feeling very low. The end of my current sick note is really weighing on my mind - I do not know how I can make the decision about returning to work and it is really worrying me hugely.
I just feel very hopeless and worthless today. I am still feeling fatigued from my Venlafaxine too.
Hey, why didn't you come on earlier and talk to us? There's normally someone around.....
Thats terrible. We all have days like that and like Suzi said. There is almost always someone around if you feel like talking. And I can relate to your worries about work. A lot of us can I think. Like you said it in your post there is something I would like to ask. Is the decision to go back to work also in your hands?
And are you trying something to relax or distract at the moment?
Talk to your doctor. If I was a betting person I’d imagine they’ll want a couple more weeks on this new dose to see how it’s going before you go back. What I’m trying to say is it’s not a decision you should be making alone..,,
Hi, thanks for all of your kind replies as always. I have been out for a walk and the exercise has made me feel a bit brighter. I was feeling low that I felt like going to the train tracks to end my life but I decided against walking down there as I felt it was pointless as I knew I would not go through with it.
With regards to work I need to discuss it with my GP on Monday - I have a telephone consultation with her in the morning. I am signed off until then. Going back to work for 3 weeks from late September to mid October and then breaking down completely has really knocked my confidence.
I am now on day 10 of the Venlafaxine 225 mg and have now been on this antidepressant for over 8 weeks.
I feel hopeless with regards to ever meeting a potential partner - the thought of trying online dating is terrifying and I just don't think anyone would ever want me. My dream would be to meet the right person and get married and this seems inaccessible.
I am doing simple things like reading, surfing the internet and watching TV to keep distracted.
Stella180
02-12-20, 06:05 PM
I’m far from an expert in matters of the heart, my relationship history reads like a Stephen King novel, but I think you need to shelve your expectations of settling down and marriage and just focus on meeting someone, or several someones, and enjoy the company and getting to know them better. Have some fun and enjoy date nights without the pressure of finding your future wife.
I feel hopeless with regards to ever meeting a potential partner - the thought of trying online dating is terrifying and I just don't think anyone would ever want me. My dream would be to meet the right person and get married and this seems inaccessible.
Does this mean that you have had experiences with women telling you this? Or does that mean you think that's what they must think? Because there is a huge difference. If you look around you I am sure you will see the most interesting, funny, weird, eccentric and amazing couples. As if every combination is possible. And it is possible. So why do you think no one would be able to love you. Just from knowing you like to go for walks. There is someone else out there that loves to walk too.
I agree with Stella, you are thinking about the end goal without going on the journey. I am a romantic. And think of what you are not thinking about. Walking with a lovely girl and holding hands. Sharing a first kiss. I could go on and on.
All i am trying to say is that the way you are here its shows me you are one of the good guys. Give yourself a chance and don't beat yourself up before you even begin.
You are so much more then that.
Hunni, stop for a second. Meds tend to take up to 8 weeks to get into your system. Then each dosage takes the same amount of time..... So what you are beginning to feel is the initial dose itms? So you won't feel the full effect of the higher dose for 8 weeks after your dose change...
Thanks for all your responses as always - very kind of you to take the time to respond to me.
My GP says that the Venlafaxine dosage can be increased at two week intervals. I am terrified to increase it further as the tiredness and fatigue has gotten noticeably worse with every increase. 225 mg is potentially a treatment dosage so I would like to give it a proper chance.
I will be honest - I turn 34 on Christmas Day (great timing to be born!) and have never had a proper girlfriend and not been on a date for 6 and a half years (she did not want to see me again). I don't know how I could explain my lack of history to a potential partner. I do not have fantastic social skills and I do wonder if I have autism (this has been mentioned to me three times by different medical personnel) but I do have some good friends and do not struggle to get on with people but I do worry about making an impression on a date.
I know I need to try and focus on the future and stop worrying about past regrets.
The thing that makes me feel pathetic is I have many good things in my life - a decent job which I quite enjoy for a major public sector organisation which is quite secure, I am comfortable financially, a good set of friends, my Mum loves me dearly and always supports me. Many people have nothing like this and yet are fine.
My middle child is a Christmas Eve baby! If you are concerned about an autism diagnosis, why don't you ask for an assessment?
Comparing what you have and other people isn't helpful. Those at every place in life struggle with their mental health - those who are homeless or those who are multi billionaires. Depression and mental health illness don't discriminate...
Jaquaia
02-12-20, 09:55 PM
My stepson is a Christmas Day baby too! Give the meds time to work, if the fatigue isn't manageable then there are always options. You didn't get ill overnight and it will take you time to get better. In the meantime, you'll find lots of support here
I have asked for an assessment but my GP does not think it is necessary.
Thanks for all of your responses. You are a wonderful bunch of people.
I need to be a bit kinder to myself and take things one day at a time instead of worrying about work next week.
My mood is a little better tonight - I watched my football team on the internet and for once they did not lose!
I have taken a Zopiclone sleeping tablet to help me sleep and hopefully wake up feeling much better tomorrow.
Stella180
03-12-20, 12:19 AM
it's simple really. If you aren't ready to return to work, say so. The GP will support your decision.
How are you feeling this morning? Did you sleep better?
How did you sleep? Why did the GP say that the ASD assessment wasn't needed?
Morning Paula and Suzi - I had my best night's sleep for several weeks due to taking 7.5 mg of Zopiclone and slept from 1 in the morning to 9:30. Unfortunately I only have six days' worth left so have to use it sparingly and also save some for when I return to work.
I do feel a little better today - still low not as bad as yesterday. I just about to get up and take the 225 mg of Venlafaxine with my breakfast.
I can't remember why the GP said she did not an Autism assessment was not necessary - I got the impression she did not think it was a big issue for me. I do not struggle to get on with people and have been told by numerous people that I am very well liked at work and have numerous friends.
Are you taking your meds at around the same time every day? That can have an impact on it.
What are your plans for today?
Yes I take my meds late morning as I normally sleep in until quite late and then get up and have a late breakfast.
I am watching a movie this afternoon - Barry Lyndon on DVD with my Mum and I am also going to be reading some of my self help material on depression. I will also go for a walk and also need to visit the supermarket to get a few items.
Sounds like a good plan for this afternoon!
I ended watching the film Joker in the end with my Mum who found it too disturbing to finish but I really enjoyed it - ironic considering the numerous references to mental health but I really enjoyed it and it was a great watch.
I have had a better day than yesterday - the Zopiclone induced sleep has made a big difference. I have had this before (in fact I took it for 2 years every third night before a new GP discontinued it) and I am going to beg her for another prescription on Monday. I don't know if she will as I had to really beg her for this one but if you don't ask you don't get.
I am going to have a relaxing evening - read some self help material on depression and get some rest.
As I now only have a few days before I am due back at work unless I am signed off again I am going to monitor myself and see how well I feel over the coming days before making a decision.
Poor Mum! I thought it was quite well done.
Glad that you have had a better day. Sleep does help. Have you tried meditation or similar before you go to sleep?
Are you trying to read too much info on depression? Maybe try to focus on something different? What about hobbies? Things you enjoy?
Stella180
03-12-20, 10:54 PM
The joker was an epic movie. I loved it.
Yes I have had a fairly good evening - albeit I have eaten too much junk food but I have relaxed and am feeling much more upbeat than on Wednesday.
I am going to have focus less on self help and just trying to relax and recuperate especially as I have big day coming up on Monday. I have used meditation in the past but it is something I am now rather out of practice with.
I am having a phone catch up with an old friend tomorrow which I am looking forward to - she knows about my current depression so I can talk freely to an extent to her.
Strugglingmum
04-12-20, 06:40 AM
It's great you have someone to confide in.
Have you tried yoga?
I find it really helps to settle my mind
I struggle with yoga, but I love T'ai Chi for focus and it really helps me to focus and calm everything, it might be worth a go to try some of these alternatives too....
I'm glad you've got a friend you can talk to too..
Have you tried the Calm app? A lot of people have found it very effective. What’s your evening/nighttime build up (or, more accurately, down) routine?
I have looked at the Calm app - I did not think it was worth the money to be honest as I have a CD of guided meditations which I can use as and when I need to.
I did struggle to get to sleep last night but did sleep quite well once I got to sleep. I have never been great with a routine - I have been on Mirtazapine for almost six years and this has always helped me. I also have a long commute to work normally (two buses each way which is 2.5 - 3 hours in round trip) which on top of my working day makes me tired. Since Covid hit I have been working remotely.
My day has been mixed so far - I have had two lovely catch ups on the phone with two good friends I have made through work. I do worry afterwards about how I come across in my conversation as I do not have the best social skills but as these are long lasting friendships I must come across okay or even well.
My telephone appointment with my GP has been postponed until Tuesday - so I now have at least an extra day's sickness.
T'ai Chi does look interesting - I will look at at youtube video this weekend.
I hope everyone is okay today. The weather is horrible here in Nottingham!
Weather's been rubbish here too! I didn't think you had to pay for the Calm app? What about calm harm or clear fear apps? Also another we recommend on Shout is chill panda. It's a rubbish name, but people have found it really useful.
I have had another look at the Calm App - technically you don't have to pay for the app itself but most of the content is only available to paid subscribers with a tiny % available for free.
I have looked at the others and there is some useful content on them - thanks for recommending them. I don't think Chill Panda is available now.
Stella180
04-12-20, 10:22 PM
If you check on YouTube some of the calm videos are on there.
Strugglingmum
04-12-20, 10:40 PM
Another one a health professional recommended to us was Mindshift..... it's all free.
Hi, I am feeling distressed tonight - just feeling very low and worried about what is going to happen on Tuesday when I speak to the doctor again. I am having thoughts of ending my life before then.
I do not know how I can make the call on whether I can return to work or not. I have mixed set of feelings. Going back to work unsuccessfully has really knocked my confidence.
I am going to do a body scan meditation tonight and if necessary take a Diazepam tablet. I am also tempted to call a 24 hour helpline through work Employment Assistance Program.
Stella180
06-12-20, 01:16 AM
Ok I’m going to make this really easy for you, if you are having this much worry over whether to return to work or not you clearly aren’t ready. Get another note, the doctor will support your decision
Stella’s absolutely right!
Strugglingmum
06-12-20, 10:19 AM
How are you this morning?
Morning, I am feeling a little better than last night. I am no longer feeling like ending my own life.
The body scan meditation did help calm me down last night and I did not have to take a Diazepam tablet. I got a reasonable amount amount of sleep (around 6 hours) but had some very vivid and weird dreams which caused me to wake up feeling quite upset and did disturb my sleep somewhat.
With regards to work my dilemma is that I am definitely feeling better than I was 7 weeks ago when I was signed off again and I am thinking that going back to work on reduced hours could help my recovery by getting some structure and a routine back to my days. I also do not have great self-esteem and being able to hold down a job and also make a good contribution to a vital public service was one thing that boosted me in this regard. I will also drop to half pay if I am signed off again as I get 2 months' full sick pay - however I am fortunate that I am comfortable financially so can afford to take the hit.
On the other hand I am just not sure that I would be able to cope and my confidence is still low.
Good morning, I have been reading your posts and even though I am glad you are feeling a bit better I do agree with the others. And maybe think about being home a bit longer. If you can manage that you could go for a cup of coffee at work with your coworkers. Then you are there only for a short moment but it will give you an idea of how it feels to be at work.
And its Sunday, so take it easy and do something nice for you. A walk or something fun with your mom?
Have you left the house at all in the last couple of months? Perhaps you need to start small, as Mira says, before you’re ready to go back to work, even on reduced hours?
I don't know where you work or what your job entails, but the others are right. Start small... But definitely talk honestly to the Dr. If you have been having thoughts of suicide about going to the Dr, then you certainly don't seem ready to me...
Thanks for all of your responses as always. I do not want to go into details about where I specifically work or what my job entails but I do not normally find it stressful. I will need to discuss with my doctor but I feel the decision is with me.
I do go out every day for walks and to the supermarket or sometimes to get a takeaway for a treat.
I have felt a little better after getting up and having my breakfast, taking my Venlafaxine and I have just had a little snooze. I will be going out for a walk later and also to pick up some Xmas presents for my Mum ordered from Amazon.
It's fine, there's no pressure. We've had some members who have worked in retail and so one of the things they try to do is to "pop in" to say hello to colleagues. Didn't know if that was an option for you?
It sounds like you're really trying to do all the things you can to help yourself. That's brilliant.
It's fine, there's no pressure. We've had some members who have worked in retail and so one of the things they try to do is to "pop in" to say hello to colleagues. Didn't know if that was an option for you?
It sounds like you're really trying to do all the things you can to help yourself. That's brilliant.
It is not really an option as I live quite a way from my usual office - I don't think I would do it even if it was feasible though.
I am pleased to say I am feeling a bit brighter than earlier - going for a walk has really helped me. I am going to get myself an early night tonight. The Samaritans are really helping me as well as this challenging time.
It's great you are using the tools available to you.
I am pleased to say I am feeling brighter this morning - I took a Diazepam last night to help me sleep and getting a good night's sleep has really helped me. My suicidal thoughts and feelings are much reduced now.
The low mood is still there but to a lesser extent - almost like a pain which has been numbed and taken the worst edge off it.
I am just about to head out into Nottingham city centre on the bus to do some shopping and get a takeaway for my lunch.
I am going to write down my thoughts about speaking to the GP tomorrow morning so I can have a good discussion and see whether I can return back to work tomorrow.
I'm so proud of you! Well done!
Strugglingmum
07-12-20, 04:35 PM
Well done. Sleep really is a huge thing for mental health.
Remember you dont have to go back till you are ready
I have had a much more positive day today - managed to go into Nottingham and get my shopping and have a nice lunch out.
A few weeks ago when I made the same trip I was so fatigued that I had to go straight to bed when I got home whereas I have not felt anything like that today.
One quote I love is from the wonderful book The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse: “We have such a long way to go,” sighed the boy. “Yes, but look how far we’ve come,” said the Horse which I feel is particularly relevant to my journey.
So good you had a positive day. Its days like that that we need to cherish. I hope you are ending the day in a good way too.
I have spoken to my GP this morning and she does not feel I am ready to return to work - I have been signed off until next week. She think I may be ready to return to work on very reduced hours next week. I am also being referred to my employer's Occupational Health. This will take me up to 2 months off work.
To be honest I feel relieved that it is over and the decision was taken out of my hands as she knows best and has my best interests at heart. I will be trying to have another positive day.
Stella180
08-12-20, 12:10 PM
Seeing occupational health is a positive step. An extra week to get yourself straight sounds like the right thing.
I think that’s a good decision
Strugglingmum
08-12-20, 03:48 PM
That sounds very wise. Well done.
That sounds really positive! Well done for being open and honest with them.
Thanks for all of your kind responses - it really does mean a lot to me.
Today has been tougher - I am feeling low at not being able to go back to work and had a little bit of unwelcome news which I do not want to go into details on here.
Work is very important to me - I do not have a partner in my life and going into work and making a positive contribution was something I felt I could be proud of.
I will just have to see how the next week goes.
Stella180
08-12-20, 07:14 PM
You do know that this is a safe space and you are welcome to share all that is worrying you.
Sorry you've had some crappy news. Honestly the not going back to work is a positive thing right now. You need to spend this time getting more stable. You are still contributing - you are contributing here which is great.
Thanks for your responses as always. I appreciate that this is a safe place to talk and share but it does not solely concern me so I do not feel it is right to share. I will talk it over with my Mum and friends.
Unfortunately I did not get out for a proper walk today - I left it too late and it was raining which would have been miserable to have walked in along with the freezing temperatures!
I have had a nice tea of Sausage, fried eggs and bubble and squeak with a can of Coca-Cola and have done a mindfulness meditation which has helped me somewhat.
Strugglingmum
08-12-20, 09:22 PM
I'm sorry you didn't get out today but there is always tomorrow.
Well done on cooking and looking after yourself.
Coke isn't always the best option, but if it's only now and again that's OK.
Sorry you didn't get out today, but today is another day lovely..
I do drink far too much Coke - 2 cans a day of the full sugar one. It is a favourite of mine going back to my childhood. This something I do need to address.
I will definitely be going out for some fresh air today.
Years ago, my CPN tipped my coke down the sink, she was that convinced it was bad for my MH
Having a Coke does temporarily give me a bit of a boost but in the long run the damage does outweigh the short-term benefits hugely.
I will be very glad to see the back of 2020 and hope for a much better 2021.
You aren't the first member we've had who drinks too much coke. I don't know what's in it, but I know that brand name coke has something in it that has a huge impact on people. I know, for example, that when I've hit that exhaustion wall I can have brand name diet coke it can be enough to enable me to get home.... I also know that original coke was developed as an industrial cleaning agent lol
Have you tried things like generic cola rather than the original coke?
I drink around 2 liters of diet coke per day. I know its not good. But I do want to say that you should not try to change to much at once. Thats difficult for everyone and it would be a shame if you felt down because of it.
I used to drink a huge amount every day - 5 cans a day at work and there were a lot of jokes about my Coke habit at work! My weight ballooned and I still obese now which is something I am determined to tackle once I am feeling better from my depression.
I did knock it on the head in the summer of 2018 - admittedly I started drinking diet 7 up instead and I will sort it again.
The thing that was troubling me yesterday has been sorted to some extent - it is no longer chewing me up inside.
Stella180
09-12-20, 01:43 PM
I had a trucker friend a while back who had a caffeine addiction due to drinking coke. He was necking back 2x2ltr bottles a day on average while on the road in the cab.
Strugglingmum
09-12-20, 01:43 PM
I'm glad you are feeling more settled about things today.
I used to drink a lot of diet coke but have cut it way back. I now maybe only drink coke zero about once a week, and I have to be in the mood for it.
Glad that things have been sorted a bit for you lovely.
I managed to get out for a good walk earlier and that lifted my mood somewhat. The low mood is still there but to a lesser extent.
I spent an hour on the phone with a friend who is having a really tough time and listened to her. I am concerned about her and wish I could do more to help her.
I did stream the football tonight of my team (Nottingham Forest) and they lost yet again - a win would really have given me a boost but this probably is not going to come anytime soon!
Walking definitely seems to lift your mood. Have you considered joining a group that walks around your area? There’s been lots of them starting up recently as it’s known to have such a positive impact on mood
Hunni, it’s lovely you want to help your friend but but please be careful - you can’t help anyone if you burn yourself out helping others itms
I don't know where you are based, but Paula is right there have been lots of groups start up for walking whilst distancing. There are many which have started up specifically for men too in an aid to boost them talking and their mental health. Definitely worth a google.
Strugglingmum
10-12-20, 10:24 AM
I love a good walk to lift the mood
Thanks for your responses as always - my sleep is not the best at the moment but I am lucky that tonight I can take a Zopiclone sleeping tablet which knocks me out for 7 - 8 hours.
I appreciate your suggestions of local walking groups - I am not really feeling up to meeting new people at the moment. This is something I find quite stressful.
Not feeling so great today but I am hoping things get better.
What time are you going to bed? Do you have good sleep hygiene?
I generally go to bed between midnight and 1 - I do not have good sleep hygiene but I have always been a good sleeper aided by the Mirtazapine.
The Venlafaxine is not helping my sleep - since taking it I have really weird and lucid dreams every night which can be very upsetting.
I am feeling a bit better now than earlier. There is a chance I will be back at work on Tuesday next week. There is a definite plan with work to get me back on reduced hours and more basic work to ease me back in over the course of a few weeks. I am also seeing the Occupational Health department on Monday which I am not looking forward to.
Just going to have a relaxing evening and looking forward to a Zopiclone induced sleep tonight.
Stella180
10-12-20, 07:58 PM
Do you take Venlafaxine at night? A weird question but do you have ADHD?
Are you being open and honest with your GP about how badly you're sleeping and how often you are taking the zopi?
I take my Venlafaxine in the morning with my breakfast.
I am allowed to take the Zopiclone every third night - I have enough to last me for quite a few weeks on this schedule. My old GP had me on it for 2 years every third night and it was no problem. It really knocks me out and I get a good uninterrupted 7 - 8 hours sleep. This makes such a difference to my mood and state of mind. The GP is fully aware of this.
Stella180
10-12-20, 09:01 PM
I learned something recently how people with ADHD are advised to that the meds in the morning as it helps them to focus during the day and others should take it at night to help them sleep. Maybe worth switching or at least discuss it with your GP.
It's great you have that routine sorted with your GP. That's a huge positive.
I am very lucky to have my GP supporting me at this time - she is very caring and I have been seeing her for over four years so I have a good rapport with her.
I thought you could only take the extended release Venlafaxine in the morning?
Stella180
10-12-20, 11:47 PM
Oh it’s extended release? I’m not sure then.
I am speaking to my GP on Tuesday morning - I will ask her then.
To be honest I am feeling really low this morning for various reasons.
Stella180
12-12-20, 10:31 AM
Wanna talk about it?
What reasons? Or is it just one of those days?
I started to feel very low last night and was getting suicidal thoughts.
I do feel a little better now as I have just gotten up and had some breakfast.
Do you want to talk about what was going on?
You seem to get suicidal thoughts come on rapidly, can you pinpoint if there is a pattern? Can you keep a mood diary and a food/activity diary?
They are often worse in the evening - I ended up taking a Diazepam tablet to calm myself down.
Whilst I have times when I do not care about my own life it is my Mum I worry about - I am literally the only decent support she has. My brother treats her like dirt and if I ended my own life it would destroy her completely. She has already lost her husband (my dad) to cancer. I feel trapped at the moment.
What is making you feel trapped?
Strugglingmum
12-12-20, 05:13 PM
Quite often it is the thought of making my family suffer that keeps me here. I had a nurse tell me she didn't care what it was that kept me here, she was just glad there was something that did during the tough moments
Quite often it is the thought of making my family suffer that keeps me here. I had a nurse tell me she didn't care what it was that kept me here, she was just glad there was something that did during the tough moments
That is a good way to think of it - as well as my Mum I do have a number of good friends who I know would be completely devastated if I ended my life.
I feel trapped because if I feel unable to end my life so I have no release. When I feel really low I think I may have another 50 years of feeling like this.
A few hours ago I had a chat with a dear friend on the phone who has helped me see things in a more realistic light.
My utterly useless football team losing yet again does not help!
You are coping with it in a good way. And I know what you mean when you talk about being there for your mum. Thats what kept me here as well. I do hope that your team losing adding to the thoughts of ending your life are an attempt to be funny though?
You are coping with it in a good way. And I know what you mean when you talk about being there for your mum. Thats what kept me here as well. I do hope that your team losing adding to the thoughts of ending your life are an attempt to be funny though?
Whoops I did not read through my post - they are certainly not adding to my thoughts and never have done nor do they make my depression.
Nottingham Forest means a massive amount to me - a win gives me a boost and lifts my mood. I should have worded that better.
I thought thats what you meant. But wanted to check to be sure.
The same applies for me too. When my team wins it does give a boost. And if they lose!! But I am always glad I can shake it off real fast. So it does not stay with me for long. But since covid I have not seen my team play once.
I thought thats what you meant. But wanted to check to be sure.
The same applies for me too. When my team wins it does give a boost. And if they lose!! But I am always glad I can shake it off real fast. So it does not stay with me for long. But since covid I have not seen my team play once.
The boost does not last very long for me either - the next day my depression returns but a temporary boost is better than nothing.
Not being able to go to the football has been a real source of sorrow for me since March - however it will be back within 12 months the vaccines coming now.
May I ask who you support? I have always had a soft spot for Dutch football having loved the Dutch national team from World Cup 98 and Euro 2000.
Yes of course you can ask. In my case you can ask everything. But I do not support a dutch team or the national side. I was born German and have a German family. So since childhood I have supported Borussia Dortmund and the German national team. Tbh I even dislike the dutch national team with a passion :)
There’s a thread currently where sport in all its guises is discussed ;) maybe you fancy joining in? http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?20188-They-think-it%92s-all-over
How are you this morning? Your thoughts seem to get much darker at night, is there something that you could try putting in place to help combat those?
I am feeling a bit better than yesterday even though I still feel quite low. My suicidal thoughts are much diminished today.
I have eaten breakfast and lunch and also taken my daily dosage of Venlafaxine.
The evenings are difficult for me - I think it will be better once I am back at work and have to get to bed earlier to get up earlier in the morning. I need to keep myself distracted more.
I'm wondering if it might be worth talking to your Dr about a split dose - 1 in the morning and 1 at night as your mood plummets at night....
I am speaking to my GP on Tuesday morning and will speak to her about splitting my dosage. On my very first day I took Venlafaxine on 5th October I took the tablet in the evening and struggled to sleep which is why I switched to the morning.
Feeling a bit lower now - I have a big couple of days coming up. I have a telephone consultation with my employer's occupational health department tomorrow afternoon which I am really nervous about.
On Tuesday morning I am speaking to my GP again - my sick note runs out then so I may be back at work in less than 40 hours which is very daunting for me.
Yes of course you can ask. In my case you can ask everything. But I do not support a dutch team or the national side. I was born German and have a German family. So since childhood I have supported Borussia Dortmund and the German national team. Tbh I even dislike the dutch national team with a passion :)
I remember Borussia Dortmund winning the Champions League in 1997 against Juventus and watching the final on TV - what a great team.
Yes I know the Dutch and German national teams have a fierce rivalry.
Try to keep in your head that the OH are there to help you! They are the good guys!
I had my occupational health assessment today and it went well - they think I am better off not going back to work for another few weeks to allow me to recuperate further but emphasized that this decision needs to be taken between me and my GP tomorrow morning.
It was quite upsetting to speak in depth about my depression and anxiety to a stranger and I am glad it is over with.
Feeling quite on edge after it now so I am just having a quiet evening.
Well done for being open and honest with them about how things are. I'm really, really proud of you.
Make sure you do something to be kind to you tonight lovely.
Talking about MH illness is always tough, exhausting, even harrowing sometimes so make sure you’re nice to you.... Well done for today, you did brilliantly
Thanks to you both for your wonderful wishes - it means a lot to me.
Feeling very low and anxious now - I have just taken a Diazepam to calm myself down which has helped me hugely.
Started to get strong suicidal thoughts - I am determined not to act on them but it is really distressing to live with them.
Stella180
14-12-20, 09:42 PM
Definitely speak with your GP about the possibility of either switching to taking meds at night or as Suzi suggested a split dose due to tiredness during the day and low mood in the evenings. I’m on different meds but I take them morning noon and night cos I found evening difficult too and a lunchtime dose helps with that.
I am speaking to my GP in the morning and will ask her about splitting my dosage.
My suicidal thoughts are really distressing me - I read the other day a quote saying that "It is always better to stay alive no matter how difficult life is". I really, really want to meet the right girl and settle down and ideally get married but this just seems like a pipe dream to me.
It will happen when it happens. Could be tomorrow or next month. Try and look after yourself for now. Thats where the most energy should go to.
You got this.
Stella180
14-12-20, 11:19 PM
You can’t find the right woman to settle down with if you’re dead. That’s a fact.
Mira is right, you need to focus on getting well right now. The rest will happen, and putting additional stress on yourself is not going to help you.
Have you looked into whether there’s any walking groups in your area?
I have to agree with the others. You really need to focus on getting stable and better. Right now that has to be your focus. You will meet the right person, but love, if you're struggling to stay alive now then it's not the right time to be trying to work on a relationship.
Thank you for you kind responses as always - I am feeling a little better than yesterday. There have been some positive developments after speaking to my GP this morning - I have been signed off sick until 5th January which takes the pressure off me for the next few weeks. I can rest and hopefully improve further in this time.
I am now going to be splitting my dosage of Venlafaxine (150 mg with breakfast and 75 mg with lunch) and the fatigue has been better today. I had a better night's sleep too (admittedly with the aid of Zopiclone).
I had a lovely chat with a dear friend this morning - she told me how strong and brave I am which was very kind of her and it has lifted my spirits.
Even taking my depression out of the equation now would not be a great time as dating is not really an option due to Covid.
I am still having suicidal thoughts but do not feel I can share them with any friends and family. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
I have a dilemma about Thursday - two people on my team are retiring and my line manager says I am welcome to come into the office to say goodbye. This will also mean I get to see some friends I have not seen in months which will be nice. The downside is a 2.5 hour round trip from home on 4 buses and I am worried about people thinking "There is nothing wrong with him, he is swinging the lead whilst we are picking up the work." I have not been into my main office since August and I am also wondering whether it would be too much for me whilst I am still unwell?
That's great that you've been talking to them about changing doses lovely. Seems like there have been so many positives!
Go and say goodbye if you want to lovely...
Thanks I think I will pop into the office to say goodbye to my colleagues and I will get to see friends.
I took my Venlafaxine with my late lunch and ended up going to sleep - this is a big concern as it does not matter so much when I am off sick but I am hoping to go back to work sooner rather than later and am wondering how I can cope with the fatigue then?
Definitely go if you want to see them :)
It'll take a little while to get into your system, but it should level out a bit....
The one thing I do feel like I am bottling up is my suicidal thoughts - literally not one person who knows me personally except my GP knows the extent of them.
I did mention earlier that I told a friend at work who immediately and rightly told my line manager - they were both supportive but both think it was just a one off very bad day when I was first adjusting my medication. I feel like I am deceiving my friend.
I have confided in the Samaritans through email and on here but neither are under my real name so I can be kept anonymous - I don't know what to do.
Morning! I feel like I'm the only one on the planet that's awake....I hope while I'm typing this that you're asleep.(snooze) You're suicidal thoughts are common..the main thing is to confide in someone you trust which you seem to have done. Once your (new) meds kick in I think you'll find they'll disappear. The way I battled through them was each morning I woke up I was another day closer to the meds taking effect and the thoughts fading away, which they usually do. Like everyone else says, a relationship can wait...wait until you're stronger, Miss Right will come along when the time is right...oops..was that a pun?
Why haven't you told your friend how bad they are? What about a text line such as SHOUT?
The only person I told I was suicidal when I had my worst ever breakdown was my psychiatrist. I believed, at the time, that those closest to me had no idea - until I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Of course, they knew. I wasn’t left on my own for more than was absolutely essential and my mum used to go to church on Sunday mornings with her phone in her bra so she could feel the vibrate and get to me immediately if needed. Even my then 7 yo daughter knew something was wrong - she asked me if I was going to die...... What I’m trying to say is that those closest to you may have guessed. Even if they haven’t, I know now how much of a relief it was for me not to hide how I was feeling. I wasn’t protecting them from hurt by not saying anything and, although I never had in depth conversations about those thoughts, knowing I could say I was really struggling with those thoughts is such a relief.
Mind you, it’s tough to have those conversations and I definitely find it easier to talk about those sort of subjects here than I do with my family
Thanks for all your responses - I like the thought that every day is a day closer to my medication making its full impact and hopefully my thoughts and feelings regarding this will disappear.
I have not told my close friend because I do not want to be a burden on her and worry her. She has lost her dad this year and has a chronic long term health condition which she has to deal with. My Mum does not really understand depression and would not take it seriously - she is 71 and I do not want to be a burden on her.
I did try the SHOUT line - I much prefer the Samaritans email service as there is no limit in what I can type in an email.
You used the burden word twice. Tell me, if someone you loved was going through all this, would you ever think they could be a burden to you?
No but I do not feel comfortable or able to share my really dark thoughts with people I know personally. I am also afraid they will think less of me too.
I have had a text message from my GP - she has spoken to a Psychiatrist about my case. From tomorrow I am going to increasing my Venlafaxine dosage to 300 mg daily which will be split between two 150 mg taken with breakfast and lunch. They are looking to increase it up to 375 mg over the next few weeks.
I feel this is daunting - I am struggling with the fatigue on 225 mg and do not know if I can cope on 375 mg. As I am off work until at least 5th January at least I can lie down whenever I need to.
I had just done a 30 minute lying down body scan meditation which has helped calm me down somewhat.
I thought the split dose had helped?
Hi Paula - it has but the last couple of days I have needed a lie down after taking one of the doses. I will just have to deal with the side effects as and when they come up.
I am feeling a bit better than earlier - I am hopeful I will be well enough to go into work tomorrow to say goodbye to my retiring colleagues and also catch up with some friends at work I have not seen in months.
Going to have an early night tonight.
Strugglingmum
16-12-20, 09:39 PM
Enjoy tomorrow.
Hope tomorrow goes well. Sorry that you didn't find SHOUT helpful, it was worth a go though.
I have just been into the office to say goodbye to my retiring colleagues and also saw some people in a department within the organisation and had a nice walk with a friend.
It was nice to see people but I found it all a bit much in the end and have had a panic attack (the first one in several weeks) when I left the office. I find social situations difficult and I think I have social anxiety (albeit not severely) and worry about people judging me.
I have taken a diazepam to calm myself down but I am now feeling despair and it has emphasized just how far I am off getting well and being able to return to work.
Rome wasn't build in a day and all of this will take time, but with a pair of binoculars hopefully you'll see 'wellness' on the horizon soon. Panic attacks can sometimes be part of the package..well at least they were/are with me.
Flo’s right. You are still in the process of getting your medication up to a therapeutic level for you, you’re not there yet. And it’s not even been a month since you first posted here at absolute rock bottom - a month is no time at all to recover from a chronic illness like depression. You did something today you could not have done last month - yes, there were consequences but you did it, you were able to do it and sometimes it’s worth accepting those consequences to start to get our lives back . You should be proud of yourself
Hey you! You didn't get this poorly overnight, so it's not going to mean you get better overnight either.... You have to give yourself time to work through things bit by bit...
Strugglingmum
17-12-20, 08:51 PM
You'll get there. It just takes time and patience and sticking with everything
Thank you for all of your kind responses as always. Part of my shame is my close friend who was kindly walking off site with me when I had my panic attack and she had to get me some water.
She was very nice about it but I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it feeling like that in front of a friend.
I feel really down today - I am terrified of what will happen if the Venlafaxine does not work.
There's no shame in having a panic attack!!
IF the venlafaxine doesn't prove to be right for you, then something else will...
I’ve had a panic attack in the middle of a parents information evening at my daughter’s college - you can imagine how she felt about that! It happens, love, you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. I’m sure your friend was just glad she could help
Strugglingmum
18-12-20, 02:30 PM
I'm glad you had someone with you. Panic attacks are so frightening. I thought I was going to die the first time I had one.
Yes, they are frightening - I am glad that tomorrow is over and I have been able to have a quieter day.
Still not feeling well but I am better than 24 hours ago. Just going to have a quiet evening.
Oops - I realised I meant to put yesterday instead of tomorrow!
That's fine lol....
How are you today?
I am feeling a bit brighter today as I managed to get around 7 hours sleep which gives me a much better chance of having a good day.
Still feeling a bit tired and out of kilter as this is day three of my increased dosage of Venlafaxine so just going to take it easy.
That's good all round. What plans do you have for the day?
I am going to be watching Millwall vs Nottingham Forest and hoping Forest can get a second successive victory.
I am then going out for fish and chips for my tea and having a nice relaxing evening. I have 16 days after this before I am due back at work so hopefully will get further settled on the Venlafaxine so I can go back early next year. I have genuinely missed work in the last couple of months.
I did have a bit of a snooze earlier after taking my meds.
I will keep my fingers crossed for a good result. I was wondering if you are always this precise with things? You talk about work and thats ok. I can understand it is a worry. But I get the feeling that you are focusing on it to much. The reason you are home sick is because work is not good for you at the moment. So try to focus on other things. I know its not easy. But its worth a shot.
What things do you like doing where you can lose track of time?
It's good you're missing people, keep working on the basics..
Thank you Mira for your insightful post earlier - I do need to stop focusing on work especially as I am not fit to go in at the moment. My job is very important to me as I enjoy what I do but it will still be there for me to go back to when I am feeling better.
My team drew yesterday which I was quite pleased with.
I am feeling quite out of sorts due to the increased dosage of the Venlafaxine but the depression does seem a bit better - my suicidal thoughts and feelings are diminished.
Just going to have another lazy day today.
So glad that the meds are helping and that the increased dosage seems to be helping.
Thanks so much Suzi - how are you doing today?
I'm OK thanks, looking forward to a live stream theatre production tonight ;)
I'm OK thanks, looking forward to a live stream theatre production tonight ;)
What did you watch? I really hope you enjoyed it?
RENT. It's a very special musical to me and my family and being able to live stream it for my daughter rather than her having a party was fab. Thanks for asking. Yes, it was brilliant!
I am glad you all enjoyed it! I saw in the Meet the DWD thread that you are a qualified teacher? This piqued my interest as I am too - I did a PGCE in Secondary Mathematics 8 years ago but never did my NQT year and now work in a completely different sector. Teaching was not for me.
I am feeling okay today - the Venlafaxine is still knocking me for six after I take it and making me sleepy. This is fine as at the moment I can have a lie down and a rest but I am worried about how I will manage this when I am back at work.
I do think my depression and anxiety is starting to stabilise.
Yes I am - haven't worked in teaching for a long time though....
It's great that you've been able to notice your depression and anxiety settling...
Did you teach secondary?
I had my first breakdown whilst doing the PGCE - the anxiety and humongous workload was too much for me. When I was training every lesson I taught was observed which caused me such anxiety that eventually I struggled to even eat as I would throw my meal up again after eating and my sleep went to pot. I did try and battle on as I had set my heart on being a teacher and building a career in it but eventually I broke completely and had to be signed off sick which meant I had to step off my course. I did go back the next year and complete it and I am very proud that I persisted to get my qualification under such tough circumstances but teaching was not for me. One of the things I like about my current job is the good work-life balance and not having to work evenings or weekends. In fact if I ever feel down about work I always remind myself how much better this career is compared to teaching!
A number of years later the psychiatrist thinks it was social anxiety which caused my issues.
Anyway back to the present ... I have just spoken to my GP who thinks we are going to leave it on 300 mg Venlafaxine for the next couple of weeks and then evaluate on 4th January about what the next steps are. I have got the option of adding in another 75 mg from next week if I feel it is necessary but I don't think I will be doing this.
I trained as KS2 - upper primary with specialisms in Music and with English and Drama as subsidiary subjects. I did a BA (QTS)Hons 4 year degree. We were given teaching placements each year and all lessons were observed by the class teacher and a lecturer would come in at least 1ce a month too. It was hard. When I qualified I went to work in a school for secondary age kids all with SLD, PMLD, ASD. After my NQT year I left to go to a school in London which was in special measures so Ofsted just turned up whenever they wanted. I was teaching music and lowest level English to kids with Emotional and behavioural difficulties. It was certainly challenging, but I absolutely adored it.
I trained as KS2 - upper primary with specialisms in Music and with English and Drama as subsidiary subjects. I did a BA (QTS)Hons 4 year degree. We were given teaching placements each year and all lessons were observed by the class teacher and a lecturer would come in at least 1ce a month too. It was hard. When I qualified I went to work in a school for secondary age kids all with SLD, PMLD, ASD. After my NQT year I left to go to a school in London which was in special measures so Ofsted just turned up whenever they wanted. I was teaching music and lowest level English to kids with Emotional and behavioural difficulties. It was certainly challenging, but I absolutely adored it.
Yes it is an amazing job if it is suited to you - I am really pleased you enjoyed it so much. Training is hard when you are being scrutinised all the time.
Working in a special measures school in London must have hugely challenging - I know from my limited experience just how Ofsted cause huge stress.
I do feel for teachers at the moment - working in schools with Covid must make an already stressful job far worse. I especially feel for clinically vulnerable teachers as the anxiety of catching something and ending up seriously ill or even dead must be terrible.
Teachers are heroes. They are working in horrible circumstances with no PPE unless they provide it themselves, having to deal with so many students who are scared, confused or just not giving a s***.... So many of my children's teachers have had to self isolate and that impacts on their families etc.... Too many "strategies" being dumped on them with no extra funding or support. It's just not right.
That's a great post Suzi - you are spot on and teachers deserve a lot more respect than they get.
Not having such a great day today but in just over an hour I am meeting up with my best friend who I have not seen since August for a socially distanced walk.
Enjoy your walk! That sounds like a lovely thing to do!
Really not feeling well today - my confidence in social situations has never been great and being off work for the last 2 months has made things worse as I have been isolated from other people.
Everytime I see people I feel really anxious afterwards worrying about how I came across. I enjoyed my walk with my friend and we talked football, work, politics and about his family. I also saw some other people and I felt really anxious and down afterwards. I am worrying about how I can cope when I go back into the office with different people.
I am also wondering how the hell I can ever manage dating and it just seems like a massive obstacle.
Strugglingmum
22-12-20, 07:02 PM
Can you try and concentrate on the here and now? Concentrate on getting yourself well. Work is not happening right now. Give yourself the gift of taking each day and getting the most that you are capable of getting out of it on that day.
You seem to be fixing yourself on the idea of dating, to be blunt - I don't mean to upset, but I've always said it as I see it and tbh right now you need to focus on you. Dating isn't something that it sounds like you're ready for right now. Get yourself more stable and then work on work and dating after. Basics to start with - you can't build a house without foundations....
Thanks for the good advice - I feel that meeting the right person would improve my life and happiness immeasurably which is why it is a big issue for me. Due to Covid dating is not really an option for the foreseeable future anyway irrespective of my mental health.
I am hoping that my self confidence will stabilise once my depression continues to improve - it is just hard at the moment.
I have just done a mindfulness meditation which has helped me feel a little better.
Stella180
22-12-20, 10:45 PM
I feel that meeting the right person would improve my life and happiness immeasurably which is why it is a big issue for me.
Absolute rubbish! You don’t need a partner to be happy. In fact I’d say relying on someone else to give you happiness is pretty unhealthy. Of course if and when you meet the right person yes it will feel good but your mind set of needed someone to fill the happiness void doesn’t work. I can tell you that from experience.
Absolute rubbish! You don’t need a partner to be happy. In fact I’d say relying on someone else to give you happiness is pretty unhealthy. Of course if and when you meet the right person yes it will feel good but your mind set of needed someone to fill the happiness void doesn’t work. I can tell you that from experience.
I agree that you do not need a partner to be happy but having the right person in your life is better than being single from what I can see. However, as I have no experience of relationships I could be wrong on that.
My husband, it’s fair to say, adores me. Our relationship isn’t perfect but he makes me feel secure, cared for and loved. He’s my best friend. He’s my world and he makes me so happy. Yet, when my MH takes a downturn and I head towards crisis, I’m desperately unhappy. It doesn’t matter how much he reassures me he loves me, he can’t lift my mood - it never helps.
Having the right person in my life makes no difference when my MH is bad, because having that relationship is not the reason for my unhappiness. The reason is I have a chronic, recurring illness which hits when it wants to hit - no matter how much he loves me and I love him
Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely adore my husband, yet while we've been together he's had multiple "crashes", dealt with severe panic attacks, severe depression, anxiety and social phobia. He's also had 2 breakdowns. It didn't matter how much I loved him, when he was bad he said to me that he didn't know if he loved me. He knew he did before the episode and he couldn't see why it would have changed, but he didn't know. He also said he loved our children, but not properly love them itms? It was the toughest conversation.... Him having me loving him so much didn't stop the depression, it didn't stop it from turning worse into a breakdown or make it easy for him to talk about..... Please don't pin your hopes of happiness on having a partner..... It just doesn't work like that.
I understand what you are saying and it is very good advice - I am not naive enough to think that meeting the right person would magically solve my depression. However, I do think I would be much happier with the right person in my life than not and feeling hopeless about this ever happening is really weighing on my mind. The hope I do have is I have felt hopeless about things in the past which has turned out to be wrong.
My day has been very up and down today but a bit better than yesterday. I am coping okay on my increased dosage of venlafaxine and probably will be increasing it to 375 mg from next week.
I think you need to focus on the positives right now. There is nothing stopping you meeting the right person later, but right now love, I promise that the best thing is holding onto the basics and getting back on an even footing. You're doing great, taking it slowly is so important.
That is good advice Suzi - hopefully once I am better I can start to move forwards with dating.
Today has been a bit better - I had a better night's sleep with the aid of a Zopiclone and just have had some quiet time to myself mostly. I am not feeling suicidal today which is a good sign.
I am quite looking forward to tomorrow now - I will be having a quiet Christmas at home with my Mum and lots of nice food and drink (non-alcoholic as I am teetotal). It is also my birthday and I turn 34 which is another thing to celebrate.
Thank you so much for all of your support over the last month - you have given me some very good and common sense advice which has been helpful. I am definitely in a better place and hopefully once I move to the maximum dosage of Venlafaxine this will help me further. I think you are a wonderful bunch of people - kind hearted and caring. I hope everyone on here has a wonderful Christmas xx
Well Knowle...have a good day tomorrow. Eat well, sleep well and focus on getting well. Everything that's meant to be, WILL be when the time is right. Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday for tomorrow! It's my daughters 17th today! Have a wonderful day. Merry Christmas lovely.
I was reading your thread and I had a thought I wanted to share. I am with you on the relationship page. Its my hope and my dream too.
And look at corona. We are starting to see the impact of not seeing our loved ones. Or getting hugs and the touch of another person. Not just a partner. But kids and family. And thats for everyone now. Not just for certain people. Like me for instance. My last hug was november last year when I was in hospital.
But the truth about MH the way I see it. Is that externals can not cure our internals. How many people say oh if I could move somewhere else I would feel better. But dont. Same goes for relationships. I am never saying that people with MH issues should not date or marry. But its not the magic pill to cure us as well.
You have a great mindset. Its something I look at in awe.
Have a good christmas with your mum and be safe.
I was reading your thread and I had a thought I wanted to share. I am with you on the relationship page. Its my hope and my dream too.
And look at corona. We are starting to see the impact of not seeing our loved ones. Or getting hugs and the touch of another person. Not just a partner. But kids and family. And thats for everyone now. Not just for certain people. Like me for instance. My last hug was november last year when I was in hospital.
But the truth about MH the way I see it. Is that externals can not cure our internals. How many people say oh if I could move somewhere else I would feel better. But dont. Same goes for relationships. I am never saying that people with MH issues should not date or marry. But its not the magic pill to cure us as well.
You have a great mindset. Its something I look at in awe.
Have a good christmas with your mum and be safe.
Thank you for your lovely post Mira - I hope one day you can fulfill your dream too.
Externals cannot cure MH problems and I know this because things I have thought was the cause of my previous depressive episodes are no longer issues in my life. I can be happy as a single person as well.
You be safe too and have a good Christmas.
Happy birthday for tomorrow! It's my daughters 17th today! Have a wonderful day. Merry Christmas lovely.
Thanks Suzi - I hope your daughter has had a good 17th today.
I think she has, thanks for asking!
I have had a difficult day today after having a nice Christmas day and birthday yesterday. It started off very badly as the Venlafaxine causes me to have very vivid and lucid dreams and last night was dreaming about me ending my own life which was horrible. I therefore woke up feeling very upset.
I have lain in bed and not done much - there have been a few good things as I have streamed some enjoyable TV and had a nice lunch with my Mum but my mood has been low for most of the day.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me.
Sorry you had a difficult day. Staying in bed isn't going to help though love - although I know how upsetting dreams like that can be.
How are you today?
Can you take yourself out for a walk today? Fresh air will help.
Strugglingmum
27-12-20, 12:15 PM
I'm in a slump today so I know I have to get out to get some relief. I dont want to go out, i cant be bothered but i know i have to or else feel crap all day.
I am feeling a bit better today - had a better night's sleep. I dreamt vividly that I had started smoking again (I stopped 9 and a half years ago) which was nowhere as bad the previous night.
I have managed to get up eat and have my first dosage of medication. I will be going for a walk later to try and make things better.
Paula I know you also take Venlafaxine - do you find that you get vivid dreams as a side effect of it?
Are you taking your meds at the same time each day? My husband takes V but does dream a lot more if it helps?
Not particularly, but we all react in different ways to meds
Yes we do - I do not like the SSRI antidepressants which are the most commonly prescribed but millions of people find them helpful.
I do try and take my antidepressants at roughly the same time every day which does help. I will be increasing my dosage to 375 mg on Thursday which hopefully will help stabilise me further.
I have managed to get out for a nice long walk today which has been helpful and have just done some meditation to help myself further. Just going to have a nice and relaxing evening.
What time are you taking them?
Glad you've managed to get out and meditation is always good.
Generally around 10 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon.
Feeling a bit brighter today - I am going to try and have a more productive day.
Maybe, then, you need to take them earlier? Give yourself more time from taking them to going to bed?
I do go to bed quite late due to being off work at the moment generally around 1 in the morning so I get up later.
When I am back at work this will get easier as I will be up earlier.
Marc was told to take them with a much bigger gap to spread them out.
Jaquaia
28-12-20, 01:01 PM
I was told to try and take them 12 hours apart
Marc needs to have his 12 hours apart too...
My GP has not said anything about spacing them out - I am sure she said she was happy with me taking them with breakfast and lunch. I believe Paula said earlier on this thread that she takes her doses with breakfast and lunch.
The first time I took Venlafaxine in October I struggled to sleep so my GP advised me to take them early. I am speaking to her next week so will ask her then.
Not feeling so great now - I am going to have a lie down and then go out for some fresh air.
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