View Full Version : Bad episode of depression **SU Triggers**
Different people with different doses and tablets or capsules etc... Asking your GP might be a good idea...
Do you want to talk about how you are feeling?
I am feeling low - the suicidal thoughts are difficult to cope with and are causing me a lot of distress. I cannot shake off this underlying feeling that I would be better off gone.
I don't feel I can go through with it though. A close friend of mine has made me promise that I would call her if I ever felt I was going to take my life and I don't feel I could break my word on something so important.
The thought of returning back to work is also worrying me hugely but I do not feel I can talk in any detail about work here for fear of someone I know identifying me personally who is reading the forum.
Hi, there are a bit more private sections on this forum where only members post. If you would like to know whats possible you should ask Suzi about it. She can point you in the right direction.
When you talk to your friend or see her. Give her a virtual hug from all of us please. When I started on my mental health discovery my therapist told me that in the beginning it does not matter what prevents you from doing harm to yourself. The good thing is there is something in place.
That said I do hope you will give yourself the gift of selfcare and will seek help. You are to friendly and to bright a star to have the flame go out in that way. I know how it feels. To have the thought that no one is waiting for someone like me. And that you are no where near your dreams. But please keep having dreams.
You manage to give me a smile, a good feeling and hope when I see you post on my thread or on others. Thats an impact you make. And you alone. That is not nothing. And not anything to think of lightly.
It sucks to read that you are low. But keep talking here and that way you are not alone in this. all of us are standing right next to you.
Can you talk more generally about why work is an issue? What are you doing to help get through these thoughts?
I have just been out for a nice, long walk which was has boosted my mood somewhat. My suicidal feelings and thoughts are not as bad now.
Thank you Mira for your lovely post - it is much appreciated and you are right that one thing that holds me to life is only a good thing. Your words are so kind in that post and they are much appreciated.
I am increasing my medication again on Thursday (my GP has advised only to do increases at two week intervals) to the maximum dosage. I would like to give this a proper chance to work.
Regarding work I do not feel comfortable discussing on here - I have discussed with the Samaritans through email.
That's fine, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to.
Thanks Suzi.
I am fortunate that it is a Zopiclone night so I should get a good night's sleep and hopefully I can have a much better day tomorrow.
I am pleased to say I am feeling much better - due to taking the Zopiclone tablet I had a much better night's sleep with less nightmares and feel much more rested which makes a big difference to my mindset.
The suicidal thoughts and feelings are not really there today and I am hoping to have a much better day. I have some nice activities planned for the day including watching my team Nottingham Forest play Stoke City this evening on the television.
I have finished The Undoing - was quite enjoyable. I have started streaming the series Chernobyl - the first episode was harrowing but absolutely brilliant.
Chernobyl is a brilliant series. I’m glad you’re feeling brighter today :)
Yes I have managed to get a discounted subscription to Nowtv entertainment for a discounted subscription for the next six months which will go a long way to keeping me entertained during the bleak covid months.
I am going to start Billions next. I am also tempted to rewatch Game of Thrones again from start to finish (this would be an epic watch). I would also like to rewatch Six Feet Under (criminally underrated show) and Californication (trashy but very funny and entertaining).
I am feeling much more positive today and I am hoping this is a sign of my antidepressants starting to really work.
Chernobyl is amazing!
So glad you've ha a good day lovely.
Today is proving to be more difficult - I did have a good night's sleep without taking anything to aid it. I have still felt lethargic and unmotivated for most of the day and not achieved anything at all except getting up, washed and being able to make breakfast and lunch so I could take my meds with my food. Feeling anxious about increasing my dosage again tomorrow.
I am also coming up to the end of my sick note - I am speaking to my GP on Monday morning. I still do not feel well enough to return to work especially as increasing the dosage will knock me for six again for a couple of weeks.
I feel pretty worthless - NHS heroes are turning in day in, day out in the most horrendous circumstances and I cannot hold down a cushy 9 - 5 office job.
At least I am not having suicidal thoughts and feelings today.
You’re not well, if you’d broken your leg you wouldn’t expect to be able to work before your body was ready - your mind is no different.
Strugglingmum
30-12-20, 07:01 PM
^^^^wss. And believe me I know it's not easy to accept. I struggle really hard with it too.
Thank you for your kind words as always. You are right it is not easy to accept but I do have a lot to be thankful for which I am holding onto.
Paula is right. You are being really harsh with yourself. Remember it takes 4 - 8 weeks for each change in dose to get into your system properly....
In 2015 when I was put onto Mirtazapine I was luck enough to feel better three to four weeks after starting it from the lowest dose (albeit the first week was pretty horrendous). I was hoping for a similar thing with Venlafaxine but it has not worked like that.
I am definitely better than a couple of months ago but still some way off being well.
It very rarely works like that.....
Paula's right, it very rarely works like that! What about things like talking therapies?
I have had counselling - six sessions arranged through my employer. Some of it was very helpful and some of it not at all. It has made me realise just how much I yearn to meet the right person. To be honest I do not rate talking therapy after having it extensively for me personally. I have found medication more helpful in keeping me well.
Feeling very out of kilter today due to increasing my Venlafaxine to 375 mg but this to be expected. Was feeling brighter earlier but I am now feeling a bit lower again.
6 sessions never is enough to actually be able to help properly.
I know six sessions is not enough.
In 2012 I saw a therapist in a private practice for 6 months - at the time I thought it helped but it actually made things worse for me in the long run so am reluctant to go down that path again.
How are you today, Suzi?
Ahh, OK... Thanks for clarifying!
I'm not too bad thanks, it's been a busy day!
Stella180
31-12-20, 07:25 PM
Were you medicated back then? If not I definitely suggest trying it again. Talking Therapy when your mind in unstable is really hard. Medication alone will not fix the problem but with stabilise you so you are better about to deal with things. Put the two together and you have a better chance of success.
We are all different - some people find therapy more useful than medication. I probably just had the wrong therapist.
Glad you are okay - being busy is generally a good thing!
Maybe think about it for the future... But it's totally down to your choice!
Hope you have a lovely evening!
Have you had CBT offered to you?
Morning Paula - a very happy new year to you and your family.
Yes, I have extensive CBT through a private therapist and know all about challenging distorted thoughts. It has helped to an extent.
How are you today? I was pleased to read on the other thread that there is no harm done from yesterday - that is great news.
How are you today Knowle?
I am okay thanks Suzi - it is day 2 of the increased dosage of Venlafaxine so feeling a bit of kilter but this will pass in the next week or two. I have started feeling dizzy in the last couple of days which I think is a side effect of this medication and I hope it settles down soon. I just had a lie down and little nap and feel better for it.
Feeling a bit anxious as I am speaking to my GP on Monday - she will be assessing whether I am fit to go back to work next week. I still do not feel ready but will be assessing how I am feeling over the next three days and will be honest with her so she can assess and make the correct call.
Just going to have a lazy day - I am going to finish Chernobyl today and do some reading and go out for a walk.
Glad you are listening to your body and having a nap when you need it.
Just be honest with your GP. Tell her how things really are for you right now.
I have had to have another nap but as you said it is good to listen to my body at the moment.
For the last couple of days I have been feeling dizzy continuously which is not very pleasant. I am not sure whether I have vertigo or whether this is a side effect from the medication - probably the former. I will discuss this with my GP on Monday.
Have not done a great deal today as usual but that is good for me at the moment.
It’s probably the venlafaxine, it’s known for causing dizzy spells. I’m sure it’ll pass soon but absolutely mention it to your doctor
Definitely talk to the GP - I know it's a known side effect, but needs to be noted.
What are you up to today?
I am hoping the GP will be able to give me something to ease the dizziness. I have had vertigo twice in my lifetimes where the dizziness was worse so I can handle this side effect.
Still feeling out of sorts from the increased dosage but this is to be expected. I am going to ask my GP to sign me off work again as I simply do not feel well enough to return to work even on recuperative hours. I need to rest and give the increased dosage a chance to settle down.
I managed to watch most of Nottingham Forest's match at Preston and was delighted with the win - I had to lie down in the first half but managed to see the goal in the second half.
Going to have a very quiet evening now I think - watch Spiderman Homecoming on BBC iplayer and read for a bit.
It sounds like a sensible decision to ask to be signed off again. What time is your appointment?
I do not have a precise time - I have not seen my GP in person for almost a year due to Covid. It is a telephone consultation and she can call me at anytime from 8.
I always write down the things I want to discuss with her as I always forget something if I don't.
That's the same as it is with my GP atm... It's always a good idea to write things down!
Delaying work for a bit longer sounds sensible
Feeling very nervous about speaking to my GP tomorrow and potentially returning to work as well. It is going to be challenging to return after being off since mid October and not having done a full week since late August as well.
My mood has not been fantastic today but still not brilliant. I am definitely a lot better than I was a few weeks ago but progress has been small.
Sweetheart you really are worrying about going back when you aren't ready to. I'm sure your GP will see the same thing.
How are you measuring your progress?
Just my general mood which is better. I was getting tearful multiple times a day for no reason which is not happening now. My suicidal thoughts are much diminished now even though I can still have bad periods with these thoughts.
My anxiety is also much better - I only have to take Diazepam sparingly whereas I was having to take two a day when I went off sick again in October.
Those are huge positives if that's how you are measuring them! So the meds are helping and the time that you are spending working on you is helping. These are brilliant things!
Thanks Suzi - I have prepared for my GP telephone appointment tomorrow and am feeling easier about it - I will see what she thinks about returning to work after explaining my progress and current state of health.
I hope (I’m sure) the appt goes ok, lovely
Thanks for your best wishes - I appreciated them.
I have just spoken to my GP who has signed me off for another two weeks to give me a chance to get settled on 375 mg. I feel relieved that it has been sorted.
That's great that you've already spoken to her so it's not hanging over you all day. Well done for being open and honest with her. I'm glad she's been sensible about it.
Good news, the right thing for you right now, I think
Strugglingmum
04-01-21, 09:44 AM
I'm glad, hope it gives you a sense of peace today
It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders - I now have two weeks to improve further without the pressure of work.
In this current economic climate I am just grateful to have a good job to go back to when I am fit and able to. I am very lucky my sector is unaffected by the Covid crisis.
It is good that you have things to go back to.
I work in the public sector - don't want to be too specific in case of the highly unlikely event of someone being able to identify me personally.
I have had an okay day - I did not explain my dizziness very well to my GP and did not get anything to help with this. It is still an issue.
I have had lots of unhealthy and comforting food today which has been the highlight - I know I need to address my bad eating habits in time. Definitely feel things are on the up for me.
That's fine, you don't have to tell us anything you don't feel you can...
One bit at a time love.
I made contact with my GP again today and she thinks I have got a mild form of Labryrinthtis which is basically an inner ear infection which messes up your balance which is causing me to have non stop vertigo - the room always feels like it is spinning. I am hoping this settles down soon.
If anything it is taking my mind off my depression and anxiety. Still feeling a bit out of sorts all round so am just taking it easy and resting up.
I hate ear infections they knock everything out of kilter! Hope it goes soon...
I'm glad you called your Dr about it.
Ooh! poor old you..hope you feel better soon! Not a nice things to have.
Oh, I had that last year - it’s horrible so I really sympathise. Rest is absolutely necessary to recover.....
It is the third time I have had such a bout of this - the previous two were at very inconvenient times when I was doing my final exams at university in 2009 and the other time when on holiday in Hong Kong just over 4 years ago.
At least it is mild and I can still function quite well and am not bed ridden.
How are you today Suzi?
Ouch! Nasty. Definitely rest as much as you can.
I'm not having the best of days lovely, but I'm pootling onwards as cheerfully as I can ;)
How was your night Knowle? I wanted to say thank you for posting on my thread yesterday. That was so kind and thoughtful.
I am keeping my fingers crossed you are feeling beter today.
How are you today? Is your ear feeling any better?
The vertigo is still there but it does seem a little better today - hopefully it will continue to get better day by day.
Just taking it easy today as always - will try and get some fresh air later if I feel up to it.
Mira - you are welcome.
Be careful if you do go out, please?
I will be Paula - I promise.
Good because you know we want Knowle in the best shape possible (nod)
Glad that it seems at least a little better.
I did not manage to get out as my vertigo has gotten worse since the morning. It is only mild which I am so thankful for and my two previous bouts of it got better after 7 - 10 days so I am hoping by early next week things will be much improved.
It is frustrating as it is preventing me from really working on myself during this time I have off work.
Are there things you could do that might be possible at this moment. Like audiobooks or podcasts? What are some of the things you want to work on for yourself?
And please don't put on to much pressure. I think that is something that you get from things around you enough. So please be kind to yourself.
Morning. How are you this morning?
Resting while you’re ill is ‘working on yourself’. Hope the vertigo has eased, hunni
Paula and Mira are right...in order to be well you have to rest well.
Vertigo is still there and like yesterday it gets worse as the day progresses. It does seem to slowly getting better and I am hoping by the beginning of next week it will be significantly better or possibly even gone.
Not been feeling great today all round - I had a good night's sleep but have still felt tired after taking my Venlafaxine. This day 8 on 375 mg so my body is still adjusting to the high dosage.
I really wish I could hibernate until April when winter is over and hopefully Covid will be under control.
Sorry you're still feeling rough. What things have you been up to today?
I have done very little today - slept three times which means I will probably really struggle tonight.
Just been mooching around - I always watch the news at 6 on the BBC as I like to know what is going on with Covid.
How are you today?
Have you thought about building in things during the day - I know you normally go for a walk, but maybe try to build in more structure and maybe to keep your mind occupied a bit more?
I do normally get a few things done - the vertigo has not helped in this respect. I do not want to go out and feel unsteady especially in the winter when it is icy and cold at the moment.
I am hoping to be a bit more productive over the coming days.
One positive is I do not feel the need to email the Samaritans anymore after having pretty much continuous support from them for the last 4 months.
Are you okay today Suzi?
From what I can see there are two positives. The first part is written without anger or frustation. And like you said before it will fade after a certain amount of days. Then you can pick things up.
That is a hugely positive thing (but don’t feel it’s a step back if you do have to email them at any point). You should be really proud of the progress you’ve made :)
That is amazing about the Samaritans! Well done love!
How are you today? Anything planned? How's the vertigo? Are you eating and drinking OK?
I was thinking the same things that Suzi did. I hope the vertigo has subsided a bit. Well a lot would be best but lets see an improvement as a win. And how is your day going?
Not feeling well at all today - vertigo is not easing and in fact seems worse. It is the fact that it is completely relentless and non stop which is really dragging me down. I have read that Diazepam can ease it - I have 5 tablets left but I am loath to use them in case I get another panic attack.
Feeling pretty low - I am eating okay but am spending most of the day in bed.
Have you not thought of calling the Dr to get some extra help?
The Dr thinks that prescribing me something to help could interfere with my antidepressants. I am speaking to her again on Tuesday. There are periods where the vertigo does get easier.
I have just had a lie down and it was horrible feels like my bed is on a turn table constantly. Feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment.
If it's that bad love, then try a diazepam if needed...
I’m with Suzi, the meds are there to help you. I understand what you mean by wanting to have some ‘just in case’ but I’d say this was definitely a just in case situation (panda)
It has thankfully lessened - it is still there but the truly horrible sensation of feeling like the room is spinning has lessened without taking a Diazepam tablet. I now feel more wobbly and unsteady than dizzy.
I found it tough to do the Fab 5 as I have had a truly horrible week but I am glad I still managed to find 5 positives and I feel a little better on the back of it.
Going to try and get an early night and I am hoping this vertigo settles down in the next few days.
Well done for doing the fab 5s. It's even more important to do it on a difficult week I think.
How's the vertigo today?
The vertigo has eased a bit today - the spinning sensation is not as bad so I am hoping that this will continue and I will be as right as rain in a few days time.
At least I get to take a Zopiclone tablet which will send me to sleep quickly so I am not lying in bed feeling like it is spinning!
Suzi - you are absolutely right that doing the Fab 5s is very important in difficult weeks to show that life can still be positive in difficult times.
Strugglingmum
09-01-21, 05:40 PM
Glad the vertigo has eased a bit today.
So glad things are a little better. Are you doing anything nice for you today?
Had a really difficult evening - felt low and had lots of thoughts of harming myself and my vertigo really got worse. It is not helping my depression as I do not feel I can settle to anything so am just sat in my bedroom ruminating on my problems and feeling unwell.
I have times I do not care about my own life but I feel I need to fight on for the sake of my Mum and some of my closest friends. It is chewing me up that no-one knows just how bad my depression actually is outside of my GP.
Why not tell someone? Talk to your Mum. Tell her how things are... She's your Mum, she'd rather know...
Absolutely agree with suzi....confide in your mum, I'm sure she'd love to help, after all, she knows you better than anyone.
Oh hunni, I’m so sorry last night was rough. Take it from someone who knows, the relief of telling a loved one everything is enormous. Please, please talk to someone (panda)
Vertigo seems to be improving slowly - it is certainly better than last night.
I do not know how I can tell anyone - I feel like I would just burdening them with my problems. I also feel ashamed.
Take a look at the Time to Change website, it has a lot of info and tips to start any conversation about mental health. As for burdening them, it’s very likely they’re more burdened with the thought you’re struggling and aren’t able to talk to them...... And, lovely, there is NEVER any reason to be ashamed. You are ill, you didn’t do this to yourself, you didn’t plan for this. If it was any other illness you wouldn’t be ashamed.
It's not a burden and nothing to be ashamed of. I would hate it if I thought my children thought that about telling me anything...
People think I am getting better which to be fair my mood is better than it has been but I still cannot shake off the suicidal thoughts and feelings. I feel I am deceiving everybody.
I find it very, very hard to talk about my depression to people I know. I felt unwell for weeks before I told my Mum a few months ago.
Just having another quiet day and relaxing in bed - had some nice bacon sandwiches for lunch. (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) losing weight!
Hunni, talk to your Mum. She'll know that there's something very wrong anyway, it's best for both of you if you can be honest about that way that you are feeling.
Suzi is right, my mum knew something was going on even before I realized it. And one thing I want to tell you is to stop. Please stop. And with that I mean thinking you are deceiving everyone. We have all been there trust me. And its bad enough if others think we are ok. But don't do it to yourself. A good day does not mean we are cured. A better mood does not mean we are better.
You are a good guy and trying your best. We can all see it. But its not going to go over just like that. Talk to people. Talk to your mother. Thats part of the healing process. If you had a broken leg and did not go to hospital. Some days the pain would be less. Does not mean you can walk on it.
You got this. Keep going.
You are getting better, but you’ve only just started taking the higher dose and it takes time. Stop beating yourself up that you’re not instantly better - depression, like any chronic illness, does not work like that. You’re doing all the right things and it will come
Thanks for all of your responses - I do not think telling my Mum or any friends is the right thing to do at the moment especially as I do not feel like acting on my thoughts.
I could not inflict the pain of me taking my own life on my Mum - it would destroy her and ruin her life.
Trying to deal with the thoughts you are having alone is almost impossible... I'm glad you're talking to us, and the Samaritans, but hunni, sometimes you need more and where you are...
I just do not know how I would go about telling her or a friend. There is a close friend who I could tell but I do not want to add to her worry - she has a chronic long term condition and lost her Dad last year.
I do not think I want to die - the Covid situation is very frightening to me and the daily death figures are horrendous.
The sad thing is if people know you are not well they might worry regardless. I thought the same as you about telling my mum. She has serious COPD and struggles with things herself. So I was in no way ready to tell her what I was going through. I did not want to worry her or cause trouble.
But over the last 2 years I have opened up more towards her. She knows almost everything and yes its not fun for her. But she is trying to support me as best she can. And she can :)
Looking back on it I made the right choice. And I am not saying you need to tell your mum. I wanted to share my experience. I was already close with my mum but this made us both stronger.
And she is thankful that I trust her enough to share it with her.
Thanks Mira - it just feels like a huge jump to tell someone how bad my illness is.
I know, and I think everyone here knows. We all have been in that position. At first I got a diagnosis of depression and then I got a few disorders added. And telling others was hard. I thought now people are going to call me crazy and want nothing to do with me. But I am the only one thats calling me crazy. And you dont have to tell everything in 5 min. Slow steps. And maybe people can even relate and talk about something they went through.
Jaquaia
10-01-21, 10:10 PM
I opened up to my mum about how bad things really were after she saw a scar on my arm. Turns out I didn't need to tell her how much I'd been struggling as she already knew, she was just leaving it up to me when I told her. Chances are your mum already has an inkling.
I just do not know how I would go about telling her or a friend. There is a close friend who I could tell but I do not want to add to her worry - she has a chronic long term condition and lost her Dad last year.
I do not think I want to die - the Covid situation is very frightening to me and the daily death figures are horrendous.
My daughter was 15/16 at the time she wrote me a letter telling me that she didn't think her live meant anything to anyone else and that she wished that she could just disappear. I knew she was struggling, but I had to let her tell me - I hadn't ignored her, I'd been putting things in place and contacting the school etc, but she had to be in control of what she said and when. She's amazing. I'm so f*ing proud of her. Telling me was the hardest thing she had done, and one of the hardest things to hear as a Mum, but at least it meant we could fight "it" together....
Hey, how are you doing?
I just wanted to let you know that all the lovely people replying on your thread are trying to help you. In no way is there any pressure from anyone here that you must tell anyone.
If you want to thats ok and if you dont thats ok too. We are here waving our flags and cheering you on no matter what you want to do. With no judgement what so ever.
Never be afraid to talk about your depression Knowle..this is what this forum is for. Also, consider that even though you have a good friend who is having her own problems, she would feel so special that you could tell her and talk to her about your depression. Also it would help her too, in the way that it will help her take her mind off her worries. I'm assuming she has told you herself about her problems? Also, know this...everybody but EVERYBODY has baggage and skeletons in the cupboard that they feel they can't talk about...there are so many people with depression that don't talk about it because of the stigma. Well it's not a stigma here, and the more people that confess they have MH problems, the less of a stigma it will be! My nextdoor neighbour rang me in tears this morning to say that she is having 2 months off work because she can't cope with depression - she's a physio - . I know 2 doctors that suffer with this illness too. When I opened up about my depression to mums when waiting for my kids to come out of school, one by one they started opening up about their problems and unstable MH. You are NOT a freak. You are NOT alone. Your brain is having a Blonde moment (no offence to any blondes out there..it's my daughter's expression..she's blonde!) This will pass. As your meds kick in properly and your brain starts to heal, then so will you. The thoughts of ending it all as far as depression is concerned is as common as muck! The same as coming out in spots when you have chicken pox. It's par for the course. It's horrible and it's frightening but it's not the real you, it's your poor brain not knowing whether it's coming or going! It tells you lies. Reach out to any source/agency/helpline that can help you. But talk to us too. You're talking to people on this forum that have been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale...we've been there, done that, got the tee shirt and the mug! You'll get better, but it won't be yesterday. Keep talking to us, we'll all try to carry you through this
Thank you so much for your epic post Flo - it was very kind of you to think of me and post such a detailed and helpful message. It made me think of something a therapist told me in September about my suicidal thoughts not actually about me wanting to die but rather a symptom of an unwell brain.
Sorry for not posting earlier - my vertigo took a turn for the worse yesterday and is still bad today. I am speaking to my GP in the morning and am going to beg her for something that will help the symptoms.
Sorry your vertigo is bad. Do you know if there's anything you can do to help it? I've been trying to think back to when my husband had an attack and I can't think of anything.... I'll keep thinking..
Thanks Suzi - I have done research and there is nothing I can do especially as this is caused by an ear infection so it is a case of my body being able to fight it off.
I did take a Diazepam tablet last night when it got bad - this just put me to sleep so could not judge whether it helped or not!
Feeling very anxious about Covid - I am going to stop watching the news as it just adding to my anxieties.
Do you need antibiotics for the infection?
Most of these are caused by viruses so antibiotics probably would not help. I have been feeling very unwell all evening and been sick due to the vertigo which has not happened before. I have taken a Diazepam tablet which I am hoping will help me. Only got three left - I will ask my GP for some more tomorrow or something to help.
I have bitten the bullet this evening and let my Mum know how bad my depression has been in the last few weeks - she was very sad to hear about it. I have reassured and promised her that I will not ever end my life as I do not want her to worry. It was difficult to let her know but I think I have done the right thing.
Sorry to hear you were sick. A lady in a house nearby had vertigo and she was really poorly for quite a while. I would tell the Doc about your ear infection, he might suggest some antibiotics. Some ear infections can resolve themselves but some can't. I'd mention it. No point being more poorly than you need to be.. they aren't nice.
Most of these are caused by viruses so antibiotics probably would not help. I have been feeling very unwell all evening and been sick due to the vertigo which has not happened before. I have taken a Diazepam tablet which I am hoping will help me. Only got three left - I will ask my GP for some more tomorrow or something to help.
Definitely talk to your Dr... There has to be something surely.
I have bitten the bullet this evening and let my Mum know how bad my depression has been in the last few weeks - she was very sad to hear about it. I have reassured and promised her that I will not ever end my life as I do not want her to worry. It was difficult to let her know but I think I have done the right thing.
This is HUGE! I'm really proud of you. I know that it's far from easy, but it's so important. I'm glad you think that it's the right thing to have done.
I am so relieved you’ve talked to your mum. You deserve all the support you can get and her love and understanding is a huge part of that
The way I see it you are taking so many good steps. I hope you can be proud of yourself. I know I am!
Thank you all for your very kind messages - it means a lot to me. I have assured my Mum that I will never act on my thoughts and will continue to fight.
I have spoken to my GP this morning who has prescribed some medication to help ease the vertigo and nausea of my current ear infection and thinks that it will settle down over the next week.
I just need to rest and take it easy.
I'm so pleased that you talked to your mum. I think she would have been more worried not knowing what was wrong, but now that you've opened up, you can talk together. Also pleased that the dr. is giving you some meds for the vertigo. Can I make a little suggestion? Have you thought of keeping a little diary on your progress? Not reams of stuff just a sentence or two at night before you snuggle down about how you've felt during the day, feeling a bit better, not so much better, the little but important things you've done during the day and maybe a little goal you want achieve for the next day. I say little things because when I'm having a bout of 'the grots' I have the attention span of a nit!..I know it's not easy to concentrate...just a thought knowle...it's not obligatory!(giggle)
Well done for talking to your Mum and the Dr. I'm really proud of you for both. It's far from easy accepting there are issues and then verbalising them and asking for help. Flo's idea of something like a mood diary is a brilliant one.
I have spoken to my GP this afternoon who thinks I will be fit to return to work next week on a heavily phased return with the aim of building up to full time hours over 4 weeks. Of course this is dependent on my vertigo decreasing over the coming days.
I have very, very mixed feelings about going back but I am just grateful to have a job to go back to at the moment.
Hopefully it will be a big step back towards getting better.
So what hours will you start off with?
Do you want to talk about your feelings about returning to work?
How are you today? Do you have something lovely planned?
Strugglingmum
14-01-21, 10:58 AM
So glad you are getting back to work.
Sometimes it can be the very thing we need to help boost recovery.
You will probably find it exhausting at first so be prepared and have things in place to let you rest for a bit after but also something positive and uplifting to do to help maintain your mood.
The plan in place is to do 4 hours per day in week 1, 5 hours in week 2, 6 in week 3 and 7 in week 4 and then going back to full time (37 hours per week worked on flexi time). I will also be working from home mostly and going into the office 1 day a week (they may let me work from home FT due to being in lockdown now).
Going back to work is daunting for sure after 3 months off and going back unsuccessfully for 3 weeks in late September to mid October has really knocked my confidence. When I went back then I was still trying escitaloprám and then got switched to venlafaxine which was difficult so I have got a solid dosage of medication.
I have just had a very quiet day mooching around. The vertigo is easing slowly but I still do not think I could quite manage work at the moment but I have still have 3 full days for it to improve further. I will have to really assess how I am on Sunday.
My depression is much, much better than it has been and I am no longer getting panic attacks.
Going back to work is going to be daunting lovely, but at least most of it will be working at home.
When you go back this time, you'll have something different than you did. You have us. You know you can come and talk to us at any point.
I'm so very pleased for you to be feeling so much better and no more panic attacks is awesome.
You're doing brilliantly working on yourself love. Have you told your Mum how you are feeling - maybe she can help support you with the return?
Yes that is a big thing for me - I appreciate all of your support over the last couple of months.
I have told my Mum - she has told me not to worry about it and deal with it on Monday if I am fit enough to return.
You've done really well and as suzi says, you have all of us to give you support. So easy does it....
It's brilliant that you are talking to your Mum about this now.
Yes it is helpful to talk to my Mum - I am very lucky to have her love and support at this time.
Had another relaxing day and have managed to walk out to my local Tesco for some shopping - a week ago this would have been very difficult with my vertigo. The vertigo is much diminished now and is now just a mild irritant.
I feel like it is 99% likely I will be returning to work on Monday - I am going to have a chat with a close friend who is also a colleague who works in a different team about going back who will support me.
I am definitely going to keep on talking to you wonderful and kind hearted people and the Samaritans are also a wonderful source of support.
Well done lovely! You're doing so brilliantly. It's great you're going to stay with us ;)
It's great that you're feeling so much better.
Today is going okay for me to - have managed to get up and take my venlafaxine with breakfast and lunch.
I am just settling down down to watch the Nottingham Forest vs Millwall game on my laptop - hopeful of a win to continue pulling away from the relegation zone.
Well done lovely! It's great that you're feeling OK!
Thanks Suzi and Forest won which I am absolutely thrilled with.
Feeling nervous about Monday but I still have another day to hopefully improve a little more.
Hunni, try to focus on today, on the here and now....
Oh that explains my hubby’s good mood ;)
Morning lovely, how are you doing?
Morning not feeling so great today so am just going to take it easy.
I have got a nice treat - I have ordered a takeaway roast beef sunday lunch which I cannot wait to eat!
You deserve it. I hope it will be great and that you enjoy it a lot!
Ooo yummmm. Definitely be kind to you today
Sounds like a good idea to give you a treat.
Morning not feeling so great today so am just going to take it easy.
I have got a nice treat - I have ordered a takeaway roast beef sunday lunch which I cannot wait to eat!
Ooh! lovely!!! Our pub over the road does nice take away Sunday lunches and lots of people get them.....enjoy!
I have had a lie down and enjoyed my Sunday lunch so am feeling much better.
Very nerve wracking to think I will be back at work tomorrow after 3 months off - I am just going to try and have a nice relaxing afternoon and enjoy today.
What hours are you working? Are you working at home?
I will be doing 4 hours per day this week and it was agreed with my line manager I would be doing 1 day in the office and 4 days at home per week last month. This may be changed to working at home fully due to lockdown now - I am not sure. I need to call my line manager tomorrow morning to sort out the details.
Feeling incredibly nervous now - I am quite tempted to take a Diazepam tablet to help me sleep tonight.
I can see why you would feel this nervous. Could you do something to help you relax a bit. Warm milk and honey is a nice treat I like at times. Just anything to help you right now.
It's totally understandable to be nervous. But hunni, you're in a much, much better place than you were - even in the short time you've been here I've noticed a massive change in you. You can do this, and if you struggle then that's OK too, you've got your GP on your side, you can talk to your line manager and you've got us. We believe in you x
Thank you for your kind responses - I am just trying to keep myself distracted. Having you all on my side means a lot to me too.
I will let you know how I get on tomorrow.
Have a good day at work today Knowle.(hi)
Will be thinking of you today
Jaquaia
18-01-21, 09:04 AM
Good luck!
Thanks everyone - I am glad I have returned to work and the first day has gone well.
I was told not to come into the office today due to Covid and someone has dropped a laptop off and I have just logged on for a couple of hours and got a few things sorted. It is a big milestone on my road to recovery and I feel so much better than 24 hours ago.
Strugglingmum
18-01-21, 08:21 PM
So so pleased for you. Such a huge step forward. Now be kind to you.
So proud of you!! Well done! So glad it went well!
Thank you for your kind wishes.
My mood has just collapsed - having suicidal thoughts now.
I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.
How was the rest of your night? I hope you made it through and had a some what decent nights sleep.
It’s not a complete surprise, it would have taken a lot of emotional energy yesterday..... How are you feeling this morning?
I have woken up and feel a little better now.
Going to get up now and have breakfast and meds and get going for the day.
(panda) Hope your day goes well lovely.
My mood has been a bit better today - I have done my 4 hours and I have found it exhausting. Had to lie down a couple of times but I have got through it.
I am just going to have a nice and relaxing evening tonight and hope tomorrow is a little easier. I have a formal return to work meeting with my line manager (over the telephone) in the afternoon.
Well done!
It's great that they're doing the interviews etc via phone. It has to be less stressful than travelling into work..
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 06:04 PM
I'm so pleased for you how you are managing being back.
Never underestimate how exhausting this all is. I love that you are being kind to you and allowing yourself to rest.
In all fairness it was nothing on training to be a teacher - I never got an evening or weekend to myself and nowhere near enough sleep.
I am hoping to get a good sleep tonight and be ready to face the day tomorrow.
Maybe, but you’re recovering from a serious illness, so you’re doing great :)
You're doing well. Considering how very poorly you were when you joined us, look at the strides you've made. Just make sure you rest and look after yourself when time allows.
I imagine that the stresses are still there, just different than when teaching...
How are you today? Did you sleep well?
Morning - sorry for not responding sooner as I have been exhausted and struggled yesterday with work and my tiredness. I have had almost 9 hours sleep last night as well as some naps yesterday so am hoping today will be easier.
My job is not normally stressful - busy and hard work but not stressful like teaching was.
Don’t apologise, it must have been a tough week. How are you? Do you think you’re coping?
I'm glad you've posted, I was wondering how you are getting on...
I feel much more refreshed today and like myself and have been able to have a productive 2 hours at work.
I am on my break now and feel able to complete my next two hours and not have to lie down.
That's the way to go! Great.
Strugglingmum
21-01-21, 02:03 PM
That's great. You're doing fab you know!! You have nearly your first week done.
Its a shame you have been feeling poorly. You come across as a smart and more then capabel person. You are doing well. But also be kind to yourself. Maybe do something nice for yourself in the next few days. And not because of work. But just because you are you. Thats enough to do something nice.
So pleased for you! Well done love!
Feel completely drained and exhausted as well as anxious at the end of the week.
I am so relieved it is the weekend and I get to rest for two days.
I can imagine. But you did it. And to me its a huge succes. You made it through the workweek.
The next two days are yours. Be friendly and kind to yourself. You deserve it.
You got through your first week back. That’s huge! Well done, lovely
You've done amazingly well lovely! I'm so proud of you!
Are you resting and pacing today?
Thanks for all of your kind responses. I have had an okay day and am feeling better than earlier.
I awoke at 4:00 this morning after 5 hours sleep and was unable to fall back to sleep to my chagrin. I did get another hours sleep after taking my first dosage of venlafaxine which has helped.
I did watch my team play but turned it off after 30 minutes as they were so hopelessly bad (they went on to lose 5-1!).
Feeling nervous about my second week back at work - I will be doing 5 hours per day. I have got a week booked off on annual leave at the end of February.
Its easy to write those nice replies. And that's not because we are all so gifted at writing. But because its so easy to reply to a guy that's so genuine as you are. So with every nice and friendly reply you get you can give yourself some credit too!
Hunni, go with the 5 hours, but if it's too much ask if it can be put back to 4 for another week?
I could do less than 5 but this would have to come out of my own flexi time hours or annual leave. I am very lucky that I do work flexi time so I am allowed to do my 5 hours at anytime between 06:30 and 18:30 and have as long a break as necessary as I see fit.
I am feeling a bit more refreshed and ready to face the upcoming week - I will take things steady and try my best. I have learnt from what went wrong in October and if I feel like I am struggling I will ask for help from my line manager instead of letting things spiral out of control.
My mood is quite low this evening.
Butterfly
24-01-21, 09:50 PM
First time commenting on your thread but let me tell you: you're doing amazing! Going back to work can be hard but it's great that you're able to do flexi times and that they offer you as many breaks as you need... breaks are so important!
Just as you said: take things steady. It's important to look after yourself and take one step at a time, no one expects you to be straigjt back to a full-on work mode.
So sorry to hear that your mood is low though! You've got anything nice to distract yourself a bit? Tv show? Book? Or do you want a talk? xx
Will be thinking of you tomorrow, love
How are you today? It's good that you have flexi time, sorry I didn't realise that taking a break was an option. Do you generally feel better in the morning or in the afternoon? Or could you do 2 1/2 hours in each?
Thinking of you lovely. You've got this.
Had a really horrible day - my Mum has had an accident from losing her footing on the stairs and fell backwards and really banged her head which started bleeding. She has had to go the local A&E department and I cannot go with her due to covid. I am sick from worry.
Jaquaia
25-01-21, 09:01 PM
Hope it's nothing major and she's back on her feet quickly (panda)
Have you heard anything? I'm not surprised you're worried.. Remember head wounds bleed lots and often look much worse than they are. Have faith, the NHS is still open and they are still treating people and keeping them as safe as possible...
(panda) have you heard anything?
Strugglingmum
25-01-21, 09:36 PM
Sorry to hear that. Its horrible at the moment with not being able to be with folk in hospital. As Suzi says head wounds bled terribly but hopefully a couple of staples and she will soon be sorted.
Butterfly
25-01-21, 10:00 PM
So sorry to hear what happened! I hope she's back on her feet soon and will make a speedy recovery (panda)
Thankfully she is okay and there is no lasting damage - it is a nasty wound which has needed six stitches and she has been instructed to rest and take it easy. They have only discharged her tonight as I am at home to look after her.
It is just as well that I am working from home so I can keep an eye on her in the coming days.
I am so grateful to our wonderful NHS for looking after her and treating her tonight and the fact that she is okay - feel very relieved.
Glad mum will be ok. Just having you around will put her mind at rest while she's recovering. What would we do without our NHS.
Strugglingmum
26-01-21, 07:44 AM
That's good news. I'm glad she is allowed home to you.
I’m so glad she’s ok. How are you both this morning?
So glad she was able to come home. Do you know what caused her to fall?
How are you? The exhaustion and "hangover" from that kind of stress can be really hard to deal with...
Yes she just missed her step on the stairs (thankfully low down) and fell backwards - she is being very hard on herself and blaming herself unfairly. She is okay now just a little bruised and sore
I have had a better two days - I have managed to do my 5 hours daily and am feeling more productive at work and less tired. Working from home is helping and it means I do not have the anxiety of mixing with other people in the office.
It was also payday today as well! All in all things are looking up.
Strugglingmum
27-01-21, 05:56 PM
That all sounds very positive. I'm glad mum is recovering ok.
That's all so positive! It's fabulous news about Mum and you finding work OK..
Great news re work! Hope mum is improving day on day
Thanks she is and is having the stitches taken out by the practice nurse next at our GPs surgery.
Had a more difficult day today - work is very tiring and learning a new role in the department is challenging.
Got one eye on the weekend.
Strugglingmum
28-01-21, 07:55 PM
I think it's a Thursday feeling too. Chin up, the weekend is in sight.
What's the new role? Is it something you knew you would be undertaking?
I am still in the same job title and pay - the department I work in has 20 of us doing the same role but we have different areas of responsibility.
To allow me to start afresh especially after what happened in October I have been assigned a new role. I am on a reduced workload.
Maybe being assigned a new role with a reduced workload is just what you need to kick start the 'new you'. It's Friday so get some well earned chilling in.
That sounds like a really good thing, but I know that change can be really hard too!
I am very glad it is the weekend and I have now have two days to myself to rest and recupearate.
I am now doing six hours per day next week which I can cope with. I split my day into roughly two equal working blocks and am allowed to have a long break due to working flexi time.
That's really positive! Make sure you rest this weekend!
Strugglingmum
29-01-21, 10:01 PM
Enjoy the weekend. I'm looking forward to no alarm clock
Feeling very, very low now.
I will not do anything to hurt myself - my Mum has told me if I ended my own life I may as well take her with me. A close friend also told me it would destroy her too. I have to fight to get better for their sakes as well as my own.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks, hunni, it was bound to have an impact. Just make sure you spend the weekend doing some much needed self care and try not to beat yourself up over feeling low (panda)
The one side effect of the Venlafaxine is getting lots of weird and very lucid dreams and nightmares every night which is quite upsetting.
I am just going to have a nice and relaxing weekend and hopefully feel ready for work next week. I do have a week of annual leave booked in for three weeks which I am already looking forward to.
I'm sorry you're struggling with dreams like that - have you mentioned them to your Dr?
Feeling very, very low tonight - have had two difficult days at work.
(panda) what are you doing tonight to be kind to you? Have you spoken to your boss?
I do need to speak to my boss tomorrow. I am going to have a nice tea and an early night and hope to restart tomorrow.
I thought you'd been quiet... Is it the work or the hours??
Strugglingmum
02-02-21, 07:56 PM
Sorry things have been tougher this week. (bear)
It is a whole series of things which are weighing me down.
Was feeling so low at work yesterday that I was sat at my desk thinking of suicide - none of my colleagues had a clue. Yesterday was the first time I have worked from my main office since August 2020 and I felt embarrassed and ashamed about being back.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you know what caused you to feel so low?
True, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are there and doing the best you can. Some days its more some days less. If you knew a co worker was having the same troubles as you have,would you laugh at him and tell him he is embarrasing himself? I hope you sleep well. And wake up feeling better.
I had lots of thoughts of suicide today as well. But we are still here and lets keep going.
Hey Knowle, how are you today?
A bit better - I spoke to my GP this morning which has helped. I am going to have some more talking therapy - this time on the NHS.
I have also had a good and honest chat with my line manager - I have explained about my social anxiety and I am going to work from my usual office twice a week to help me overcome this and get used to socialising again.
I'm so proud of you! Proud because you were talking to your GP and that's really important and that you've spoken to your line manager and worked out a plan. That's so good. So are you working at home 3 days a week and office 2ce?
Strugglingmum
03-02-21, 09:06 PM
Well done. Positive steps
Oh well done you! Both potentially tough conversations and ones you might not have had a few months ago so I’m super proud of you :)
Yes that is the plan going forward to work 3 days a week at home and 2 in the office.
My GP has also given me a prescription of Diazepam to be taken on an as needed basis. I am hoping to have a better day tomorrow.
That sounds like a good working plan. Be careful Knowle with the Diazepam....don't drive if you've just taken one however low the dosage. Did your doc mention that to you?....have a better day today.
I'm so glad there is a working plan. How do you feel about it?
A lot of us were rooting for a better day for you. I hope you had it?
Thanks - I am feeling quite low about work for numerous reasons but do not feel I can go into any detail on here.
I will talk to the Samaritans about this as that is done privately.
To be honest I am just glad it is the weekend and I can forget about work for the next 48 hours. Going to have a nice and relaxing day - will watch the football later and I am definitely going out for some fresh air. I will also watch some more of my Billions boxset and read more of my Stephen King book "Full Dark, No Stars".
OO Haven't read that one. Any good? I was a huge Stephen King fan until his endings started to suck lol I felt cheated at the end of Under the Dome!
It is called "Full Dark, No Stars" and it is not a novel but a collection of four short novels and a bonus short story.
I am reading the first short novel and am enjoying it and hope to get it read this weekend.
Speaking of Stephen King and good endings - I really recommend Revival (published in 2014). A fantastic and scary ending!
Nottingham Forest won 3-0 at Wycombe today which is very pleasing to me - looks like we will probably avoid relegation.
My mood is quite low tonight - just going to have to take it easy and hope tomorrow is better.
(panda) for the low mood. Can you do something to distract? What about taking up a new hobby?
Strugglingmum
06-02-21, 09:05 PM
Sorry you're feeling low. Is work draining you? Can you reduce an hour a day again?
I am finding the transition back to work difficult - I am only doing a 4 day week next week as on Friday it is the anniversary of my Dad's passing. I can spend the day with my Mum.
Hope to have a better day tomorrow to get myself in a better frame of mind for the upcoming week.
I am going to try and get some sleep now.
Did you get any sleep, love? Is it possible you’re particularly struggling because the anniversary is coming up?
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