View Full Version : ****Triggers**** where am I going?
A place for me to post my thoughts and struggles. Might be real dark at times.
This is a rough weekend for me. We are in a lockdown at the moment but for me it changes almost nothing. The only thing I notice is people around me saying how lonely life is and how they struggle with it. But for me this has been my life since I broke up with my girlfriend over 3 years ago now?
I promised my therapists that I would not self harm. I do think about it all the time. Destroying my body so it looks the way I feel it already does. All the while I do overeat and purge more then 2 times a day. Because of the ad's my mouth is already dry and this way its sure to leave damage.
Taking care of my then girlfriend was the thing that tipped me over. I think she is doing way better and thats good. But I feel I am on a cliff with no where to go. All the while only learning how messed up I am and whos fault it is. But me only wanting to take it out on myself.
Right now with pain in my hand because of the teeth marks.
I dont think I ever felt so sad for myself.
Strugglingmum
18-10-20, 06:07 PM
Oh Mira. I am so sorry you are so sad.
I wish I could wave a wand and take the pain away.
I wish you could see all the positives I see in you.
I know that drive to SH and I know how overwhelming and compelling it can be. Then we give in and the guilt becomes another negative to beat ourselves up with.
Breaking the cycle is so hard and at times seems impossible, but please hang in there, keep engaging in therapy, keep taking the meds but most of all know that you are cared for.
There are people.... I am one..... whose lives are made better because of your presence. I wish i could hug you better but i cant, please be kind to you, please dont hurt my friend, please learn to think kind thoughts of him. (bear)
(panda) I so wish I could take this away from you. I will say I’m extremely grateful that you’re talking to us
I'm so glad you're talking.
You know the purging is self harm right? Promising someone you aren't going to harm isn't always the right way of doing things. You need to stop self harm for you, not because you've promised someone else.
There are some apps we recommend on shout. I don't know if they work where you are, but you could try? They are Calm Harm, Chill Panda (rubbish name, but it's a really helpful one) and Headspace.
Please, please, please do this for you...
Someone gave me a suggestion to post. And I found this thread and thought why not dust it off.
I thought I was doing a bit better. But I went to therapy today and went with public transport. And my stress went way up. I have been that way since I got home now.
I wanted to play my game. But I have noticed the same thing that happens everytime when I start to develop feelings for someone in a game. I feel it belong to them and not me. So I started playing but felt bad about playing her game so I stopped.
I even tried playing another game I stopped playing 3 years ago for the same reason but same result.
I keep going through this cycle. Untill I am stripped from everything. Games I like. Bands I like (because of the same reasons I never play the Doors anymore or the Cure).
I think I am on a path where I destroy everything in my life till the last thing to destroy is myself :(
Oh hunni (panda) I’m so sorry today was so difficult. Do you want to talk about what happened in therapy? Is there an easier way for you to travel to your appointments so you don’t have the stress of public transports?
Ftr, we’re a lot harder to shake off and I, for one, do not intend to let you destroy our friendship
Therapy went ok. We talked about my plan for when I get in different states. It was way more all the other people. I am getting worse with those interactions and just being around people.
I just am so worried for my safe place being home. What if there is nothing left to distract?
There will always be something to distract - we are here. Have you tried going through the distractions threads we have here? What about making yourself a crisis box with something to touch, something to taste, something to look at, something to listen to and something to smell?
How are you today?
Stella180
24-11-20, 08:48 AM
I know all the things you are feeling because I have similar issues but you know all of this is just in your head right? You would never treat me or anyone else so badly, constantly punishing them for simply existing, so why is it ok to treat yourself this way?
Stella's right.....please don't punish yourself. You're such a good and kind person. When I was at my lowest I used to watercolour...art that is. I'm no da Vinci but it took my head to lovely places and steered my mind away from destruction to distraction. You don't have to be an artist to paint..it's all about you. Why not give it a go? A brush or two and a cheap box of paints and a pad of artists paper. I think you'd be pleasantly surprised at what you can do. Start with a simple christmas card scene or something. When I was in rehab we had 3 classes a week and at the end of it everyone was really pleased with what they turned out..some of them were amazing! Don't beat yourself up by being who you think you are and be what we know you are. Give it a go!
That's a great idea! Over lockdown even I got pencils out with my 2 youngest and we were following some of the Disney tutorials on youtube!
OOO you could follow Bob Ross! He's amazing. Happy little trees and happy little seascapes! He's so relaxed and awesome!
I am seeing that this can be read by everyone. I dont think i am at ease with that. So I should make another one then.
Great idea Flo. I have tried drawing etc in the past. Even took some lessons. But as with everything else I was my own worst critic and then stopped. I am trying writing now. See how that goes.
If it makes you feel more comfortable, definitely start a different thread. But please don’t disappear from us, lovely
I am trying. There are just so many obsticals I can not fight them all off. I had a lot of ideas for today but I can only sit in bed feeling bad.
Strugglingmum
24-11-20, 03:06 PM
(bear) sending hugs.
Do you want me to move this thread to a more private area?
No thanks. I am feeling real fragile now anyway. So I dont feel like posting at all. I keep seeing and feeling reasons why people dont like me and dont want me around. And all the lovely things people say dont land.
magie06
24-11-20, 09:20 PM
From my own experience, the people here don't do anything by halves. When they say that you are a good friend and that they want you around, they really mean it. We all do.
Do you think you can just believe that it's what we believe?
I am trying my best. But my mind is so good at finding loop holes and ways around it that I fail at that. I am sorry all.
Stella180
24-11-20, 09:44 PM
You have nothing to apologise for
Allalone
24-11-20, 11:03 PM
(panda)
Morning love, how are you today?
Hi, sweetheart, how are you doing?
magie06
25-11-20, 11:15 AM
Just popping in with a smile and a big hello.
OldMike
25-11-20, 03:42 PM
And me as well (bear)
Thanks :)
I made another thread in the over 18 section to have it a bit more private.
I am in pain. The days have been horrible for me both online and offline. My feelings for people grow stronger. But the distance wider. And I am here alone. On my bed getting colder.
I dont see any point in trying anymore or going on. I feel unwanted and that more then I can handle. Let alone knowing I will not get love in return. People coming over. Or even having a video call.
No need to reply. I dont deserve kindness or sympathy. I just wanted to vent and thats enough. I am always trying to reach out my hand for help in my own weird way. No noe ever took my hand. Its done. Its ok.
Stella180
13-01-21, 10:34 PM
Hey, don’t you dare! People here have always showed kindness toward you because you are a friend to so many. Ok so some people in your life don’t appreciate you. Maybe they don’t deserve you. Head up and keep going knowing that they are the ones missing out, not you.
I have contacted Mira to ask him to confirm he is safe. I will close this thread until I hear from him
I’ve heard from Mira this morning and he’s safe
But we are reaching out to you. You are an important member of the DWD family. You know that - we've talked about it here on the boards and privately too.
Hunni, I really think you need to contact your mental health team and tell them exactly how bad things are - especially after therapy.
Stella180
14-01-21, 05:19 PM
If they know what have they suggested you do to help yourself?
They made sure I have the phone numbers if I feel that way again. And they talked about things that might help make me feel a little less stressed. But they don't work most of the time.
Stella180
14-01-21, 05:41 PM
Ok so why haven’t you called when you are clearly struggling?
I had a video chat with them this morning and since then I have been home and in the bedroom
Have you told them about all the ways you’re hurting yourself?
Stella180
14-01-21, 06:12 PM
I hope you are warm and looking after yourself. I’m glad you had that video call
I am nice and warm at the moment, but much of what I wrote yesterday is still there. And the loneliness is eating at me.
Stella180
14-01-21, 06:19 PM
You can and will get through this.
I just wish and pray that you stay strong because loneliness nearly killed me this autumn and winter time can have an impact too along with lockdown.
Just keep in touch with the people around and here.
Sorry to hear about your loneliness - Covid is just making things worse in this regard.
Have you spoken to your Mum today?
No, I will see her tomorrow.
Sorry I might be a bit short. Thats not what I meant to be. I am thankful that you all post on my thread (panda)
Not short at all my friend - it is always a pleasure speaking to you on here. I wish there was more I could do as I think you come across as a genuinely lovely person.
You're right Knowle, he is a lovely person.
Mira - have you told them all the ways you are hurting or "punishing" yourself and the reasons why?
What strategies have they given you to help when you are feeling as you did late last night?
Thanks. Dont see that myself but glad others do.
We are working on a plan to look at how I am doing mood wise with the colors of a traffic light. But thats not finished. So they tell me to distract. With an app or a nap. Or going to spend time with my mum.
And as much as I want to try I only seem to be in bed.
I also think that I might see things different. What friendship is. What lonelyness is and what it does at times. I dont know but thats how it feels.
Stella180
14-01-21, 09:35 PM
I can relate.
Why is it that you are only staying in bed?
Don't beat yourself up about staying in bed - sometimes you need to rest your body and mind and it is difficult to get up.
Morning lovely, how are you?
Knowle, you are a good guy too. All the nice things you say about me are true about you as well. And I am still fragile Suzi, I went to work and had dinner at my mums but I am home now and the punishment is something that comes without thinking at the moment.
What are you punishing yourself for?
For being a whingy little twerp. If thats correct English :)
You aren’t a whingy little twerp. Even if you were (which you aren’t) there is absolutely no reason on earth why you should be punishing yourself.....
Why do you consider yourself to be that?
Well all I do lately looks like its m complaining about not having people come over. Or have a phonecall or skype. Its me talking about clothing and not doing anything about I. I am filled with romantic feelings I can not shake or do anything about.
And what do I do about it? Nothing. Only complain to you lovely people.
Stella180
15-01-21, 04:07 PM
So what do you want to do about it?
But there are certain things that you CAN do Mira. Read your post again. Ok, so you can't do much about having people over - except your mum - during these restricted times. What about you phoning someone or Skyping someone. These are 2 things you can do. You can do something about the clothes thing, you are in control of that. With regard to the romantic feelings...well I can't help you there. It's certainly not an uncommon thing. But again, the possibility of finding someone and starting a new relationship under the present circumstances will have to be put on hold for a lot of people until everyone's safe to go out and mingle again. There are more things in your life that you can control than you think. Little everyday things. If you can, then you'll feel empowered which will make you feel confident. Try and give it a go.
Stella and Flo are right. There are things you can do, but you have to allow yourself to do that. I know it's hard, but you CAN do things. What about giving someone a call? Or join a skype convo...
You are all right. So many good points. But who to call on skype. Only one there is my mother. I would love to do any of the things. But I just cant at the moment :(
the one I have is not at home today
Not at home as in back later or away? Can you plan to call later?
What about writing a letter to a friend?
One thing I heard of which might be up your street is to make a code and write a coded letter to a friend... You're able to do calligraphy, so use that skill! So often all we get in physical post are bills (or medical letters)!
I have had so many nice ideas about that. Even getting wax and a seal. But everything makes me to critical. I am a person that wants so bad but finds ways to hold him back.
I am getting worse and worse again :(
Then please call the hospital...
Strugglingmum
15-01-21, 11:49 PM
I have had so many nice ideas about that. Even getting wax and a seal. But everything makes me to critical. I am a person that wants so bad but finds ways to hold him back.
I am getting worse and worse again :(
Then I hope you will keep seeking help.
Keep up with the meds, keep up the exhausting therapy because one day you will see a glimmer of hope and you will build on it and it will grow. It may be a slow growth but if you keep.at it, it will happen. I doubted I would ever see light but I promise you, hang in there, it will happen.
I have had so many nice ideas about that. Even getting wax and a seal. But everything makes me to critical. I am a person that wants so bad but finds ways to hold him back.
I am getting worse and worse again :(
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. Is there a crisis team you can call or speak to?
As others have said please hang in there - no problem is unsolvable and there is always hope. Take care my friend.
Stella180
16-01-21, 11:19 AM
You really need to stop being so hard on yourself and give yourself permission to do something nice, something you enjoy, something you can take pride in.
I keep thinking that I should stop trying to find my worth in other people. Because I have my hopes up and they get destroyed because of that every time. But the downside to that is that will leave me al alone.
You can always write to me, I'll write back ;)
I'm sure I'm not the only one!
Did you call for help when you were getting worse?
Stella180
16-01-21, 12:33 PM
I keep thinking that I should stop trying to find my worth in other people. Because I have my hopes up and they get destroyed because of that every time. But the downside to that is that will leave me al alone.
That’s not a downside. Sometimes we need the space to get to know ourselves. To learn to be the best version of you. To embrace the good as well as accepting the bad. Your worth doesn’t come from the people around you, it comes from who you are and what you have to give, and I believe that you have so much to offer but you just need to recognise that for yourself.
I keep thinking that I should stop trying to find my worth in other people. Because I have my hopes up and they get destroyed because of that every time. But the downside to that is that will leave me al alone.
Yes, I perfectly understand about lost hopes...but it is not the end.
The most important is that you are honest and try hard keeping your promises and not everybody is like you in this aspect. You blame yourself and that is the saddest thing ever...
It's true, your worth is not measured in other people - although if it was you'd have more worth than so many. You are so liked, loved, cared about, valued and respected... If only you could see a tiny amount of that and believe that we are talking to you because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to at all.... That's just here!
I wonder whether you can see any positives in you at all?
I dont see good inside of me. And thats getting worse for a while now. Maybe because I am being shown how wrong my perceptions are on so many things in therapy. Being fragile is hard. And not knowing what I want makes it difficult to do something about that. And the things I do know I am to scared to do something about.
I am even thinking right now to stop online gaming so i can cut those people out my life too. There is a lot of drama in there and I am seeing so many good in people and all I hear is how terrible they are. It breaks my heart. Another thing I got wrong.
Why did you get that wrong? What do you mean by that?
That I see good in people when everyone else seems to think and say that they are bad people. Am I getting every signal and every interaction wrong? Seems like it.
The world of online gaming esp in a strategy/war type game is very difficult to read. I've played other ones where you build up your village, get more, build it up then with your allies go and destroy others - it's very difficult to read there - there are those who are very, very big players who play very aggressively, but who are really lovely and sweet, and those who seem lovely who are two faced and disloyal... It's not a "you" thing, it's a "type of game" thing....
Yes, thats true. But these are also people I have spoken to on headset so many times. I dont know if its me getting played, me overreacting or getting things mixed up in my head. I used to think I had a good sense in that respect. But ever since therapy I question even more then before.
Stella180
17-01-21, 12:10 PM
Maybe while working through this stuff in therapy it’s best not to make any big decisions if you are in any way worried of the consequences.
I agree with Stella. Are you actually giving yourself time to process what you're talking about in therapy? Would it help to talk about it here? Are you getting better at taking your meds at the same time each day?
Hi Mira - I hope you have had a better day today.
Thanks Knowle, I am struggling but doing ok. I had trouble with food but other then that I have been playing my game online. And watching streams.
Are you keeping a mood diary? It might be something to think about...
No I never made a mood diary before. I could ask my therapist if its a good idea.
@stella, I remember you had a thread about friendship a while ago. Is this something you and I struggle with while everyone else has it figured out? Today online while gaming someone called me a good friend. I dont even know his real name. We only talk about the game. When I call someone a friend I am all in. But the others are not that way so I get confused about what to do. Thats why I only have one friend in life. The rest is to confussing.
I was on a stream today from a girl somewhere in Essex. She is so funny and nice. I could listen to her for hours. So I left that stream as my "feelings" were getting there again. I can not do anything with other people any more this way.
Could you be mistaking friendship for romantic feelings? I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through, but sometimes you can have feelings for friends and strong connections grow, but they aren't romantic?
As to having friendships all figured out, I don't think there's a person alive who has that sorted!
I can't see why you couldn't do a mood diary - even if it was a simple smiley face one, at least then you could show it to your therapist so they could get a better vie of how you are doing overall more generally...
Stella180
19-01-21, 10:33 AM
I have been told so many times that I have lots of friends people and what a great person I am, funny, generous, loyal blah blah blah, but if I’m that great why is it my phone rarely rings? That It is usually me having to initiating contact whether that be in person, by message or phone. Very few of my so called friends will think of contacting me and when they do it’s usually because they want something. Friendships are a two way street and so often I feel like I’m not at important to others as they are to me. I have a lot of trust issues but once I let someone past my barrier I am pretty intense and even that can scare people away.
Well we talk a lot about how I am feeling when its time for therapy. They know my week routine pretty well and we always talk about how the week was going for me.
And the thing with me is that I can see it very clear when I have romantic feelings for someone. Since my therapy has gotten the way it is now I seem to develop them everywhere and that is making me uncomfortable to say the least as before I would get those but they would last for years and only with one person.
It is the friendship I get wrong. I experience it the same way as Stella. Out of all the people that say they are my friend I think only one or two would want to call me of even send me an app. Its one of the reasons why I stopped telling people literally that I am there friend. Since the other person goes oh thats nice. And say it back and it ends up hurting me.
Stella180
19-01-21, 11:31 AM
I do have a few good friends, but alas they are online mainly and live far away so I don’t get to see them or spend time with them often, not that it makes much difference during this pandemic.
Is it the person you develop feelings for or the idea of being with that person? When you are feeling lonely it’s easy to make connects that aren’t really there. We can become kinda fixated on the idea of a romantic relationship and everyone becomes a potential partner. If you were in a relationship would you still have these random feelings for others?
I think i have scared everyone away so I dont want to be around people anymore. Well I do but I dont. Thanks for replying Stella.
You’ve not scared me away!
You haven't scared me away, I've just not been here most of the day ;)
I like myself when I post on other people's threads. I am kind and friendly. At least i try to be. But on my own threads it nothing but bad things. What I want is not going to happen so I need to stop moaning about it. Its ok and its clear to me.
You've just said positive things about yourself. You never do that. Those are wonderful things to notice about yourself.
What is it that you want which you don't think is going to happen?
I want to yell at people. Ask them why. Ask what they mean and how they see things. In real life and online. So many other things but I talked about those before. But I wont yell or ask people so I need to be silent I think
Who do you want to ask things? If it's me, you can ask me anything...
Stella180
19-01-21, 03:37 PM
If it’s someone whose opinion you want then ask them, preferably without yelling. Everyone else, well who cares what they think cos it’s irrelevant. Just be yourself and if people don’t like that it’s their choice. The right people will stick around. I didn’t believe that in the past but the people on this forum I am lucky enough to call friends have been there for me and proven not everyone walks away.
Well there are a few people here I would like to ask somethings. But I am to scared of the answers so I know I am not going to ask anything. I am just sad today and want to cover up under the duvet.
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 04:30 PM
I've had a few of those days recently too. I cant even think of things to say on here but today is a bit brighter. Hopefully you will see a break soon too.
Thanks SM you are to kind.
When all these thought go through my mind maybe its best to not just close my threads but delete my account. Every day I only see things getting harder. And what I want for myself I can not do. And everything on the outside world is making things even more difficult.
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 05:00 PM
I know I found with therapy that things got a lot harder before they started to improve any.
If you close yourself off completely what would that life look like? Better? Empty? Lonely?
I know it's so tough but would it not be better to keep fighting for your future to look more like you want it to? I know a lot of times I have said,
It's too hard, I cant do it, I dont want to do it, it's not worth the heartbreak of working through all this, but the thing is, I was tired of it all...still am but therapy is starting to help. I am able to see me a bit differently see the things that happened to me differently and stop (sometimes) beating myself up about it all.
I still have a long way to go, but it's working. I know everyone is different but it will help you too.
Like you I have multiple diagnoses but there is relief from them all out there...... it's honestly the toughest thing I've ever done but I am getting there.....and I will get there, and dwd has played such a huge huge part in that.
I call you guys my friends. I may not be in contact with any of you outside of dwd but here I find help, support, kindness, comfort, laughter and a good telling off if I need it. To me, that is true friendship.
When I close myself off then there will not be disappointment anymore. No more building up hope and trying for things that don't happen. Yes my life would be empty and lonely. But what would be the difference between that moment and now? Every time my heart breaks. Thats not good either.
I am real happy that you have that friendship here. And that you are working so hard to make things better for yourself. You deserve it. You have a lot going for you. And I hope you will reach the goals you set out to reach.
I hope you all do (panda)
You're an inspiration SM to all of us. You'll get your life back again, because you're a winner. You're working hard and you'll get there. You will too Mira, but you have to have faith in yourself. We all have faith in you, now it's your turn.
You’ll have hope, love, hope that, with time and continued therapy, you can start to see things and react to things differently. Hope that you can finally see the person we see. Knowing that we are not going anywhere and will support you every step of the way
Well there are a few people here I would like to ask somethings. But I am to scared of the answers so I know I am not going to ask anything. I am just sad today and want to cover up under the duvet.
Living in fear is really hard. If you've got questions that you aren't sure you want to ask individuals then you can ask me and I'll help you to phrase things so you can ask them if you like?
When I close myself off then there will not be disappointment anymore. No more building up hope and trying for things that don't happen. Yes my life would be empty and lonely. But what would be the difference between that moment and now? Every time my heart breaks. Thats not good either.
That's not something that is ever going to happen or help you at all. You would shut away with no contact with anyone. That's really damaging. At least now you are talking to people, you are having contact and although you are having feelings for people, at least you are having some social contact. Ask your therapy team which would be better and I'm sure they'd agree with us that having some social activities has to help. It's also teaching you that you can stay in a group and you can keep on coming back and stay posting...
I am real happy that you have that friendship here. And that you are working so hard to make things better for yourself. You deserve it. You have a lot going for you. And I hope you will reach the goals you set out to reach.
I hope you all do (panda)
We all wish the same for you. You will get there - you haven't been having therapy for long, you have to give it time.
I think I know how I would ask things, but I also know the answers. The only real social interaction I have is here. There is not much else.
Thanks everyone for the kindness <3
Stella180
19-01-21, 06:25 PM
Well there are a few people here I would like to ask somethings. But I am to scared of the answers so I know I am not going to ask anything. I am just sad today and want to cover up under the duvet.
I hope you know you can ask me anything.
Like i said maybe delete everything.
Stella180
19-01-21, 07:00 PM
NO!!! That is the worst idea ever. Believe me I know from experience
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 07:43 PM
I think I know how I would ask things, but I also know the answers. The only real social interaction I have is here. There is not much else.
Thanks everyone for the kindness <3
If this is your only social interaction then I believe its important to maintain it, but you know this. You would feel even more alone if you delete this account. I cant see how that would help you heal. It would help you hide but you deserve more than that. Fight through those feelings. Every victory, though exhausting, makes you stronger.
If you deleted everything from here then who would be able to help show you that the world doesn't have to be really lonely all of the time and that there are people who care about you....
You are right SM, this is my only social interaction. But when having a few interactions a day on a thread is all I have its difficult. Difficult when someone does not reply to what I said as that can feel as rejection. If people dont react to my thread at all that feels like that too. And I know thats not true. But it is what I feel. And that hurts me.
Everyone here has more social interaction then me. And I know that I am to blame for that myself. But this pain is to much at times.
Sweetheart are there any friendship groups near you? What about a walking group or a writers group? I know here most things are online, but it's got to be worth thinking about?
Not that I know of. But I dont know if its good for me now. What will happen? Develop feelings like I have here? Be somewhere and still feel so alone that it breaks me. Or be the clown that entertains everyone but be the one that no one asks about or gives a ring?
I do know that its all my own fault. But its been 41 years of this now and I am tired of trying it over and over again.
Stella180
19-01-21, 09:04 PM
So fine. Give up. Walk away from the people who care about you and sit home alone with no outlet to express yourself. You think you’re lonely now? Just wait. Leaving will take it to a whole new level. I’m not going to sit here and stroke your ego. I think you already know what I think about you cos it’s been said before. I’ve been in your shoes and it sucks. I can’t stop you from making the same mistakes I did, maybe you need to in order to learn the lessons but you have a choice, you can carry on with this retreat or you can get up and fight.
I am not asking for someone to stroke my ego. So no need for that. And thanks for this post. I guess I needed to hear that.
Thanks everyone.
Stella was trying to help you, Mira. As are we all, because we care. Stella really has been where you are and decided to walk away. Thank God she returned, and we were over the moon to have her back and I believe it’s helped her. If you want to throw these friendships and this support away then that’s your call. But please don’t ever think that we will stop caring about you. I will be your friend even if you want nothing to do with DWD. But I believe this forum is the most positive environment you have in your life right now and I honestly can’t see why you would throw that away.
Jaquaia
19-01-21, 10:07 PM
Have you said all this to your therapist? What has she suggested? What techniques has she given you to deal with these feelings?
The issue is, sometimes people don't have the energy to do much more than get their own thoughts out of their head or read what's been posted, or they're busy with their own life and miss stuff. I've been so busy with uni work that I'm getting 5 minutes here and there to look in here. Some of that time, especially over the last week, I've not had the energy for others as my studies have massively triggered me. Yesterday, I was in a bit of a state because of the subject matter. Not replying doesn't mean there is an issue with you. The more likely reason is because we're struggling ourselves.
I do know that Jaq. Thats why I also know that my mind is playing tricks. And its not like I want to throw anything wa. But I see the friendships here. People send each other things. Talk on the phone at times. Have contact with each other. And I dont. I have tried to mention that before but failed. Since I dont want to hear no or feel rejected. But everything seems to make me feel rejected.
I will talk about all of this tomorrow at therapy.
I guess I am to well trained to see everything in a negative way and turn everything in such a way that there is no way to win. Thats on me. I know its all on me.
Jaquaia
19-01-21, 10:29 PM
Do you know what? The only people I've spoken to on the phone are Stella, Suzi and Angie. Suzi was worried about me so rang to check up on me as I wasn't talking here. Angie rang to check on me too. I don't ring them, well, I rang Stella once and that completely ruined the point she was trying to prove to her friend about me never answering my phone... but I avoid talking on the phone. I only really talk to Stella regularly and the others I interact with on fb. I worry about bothering people and sometimes I just want to read my book. In fact, the only people I talk to regularly on the phone are J, his dad and my parents!
Strugglingmum
19-01-21, 10:36 PM
I can honestly say I've never spoken to anyone from dwd on the phone. The only person I have posted anything to is Magie and that's because she asked me to do a job for her.
However I still call them my friends because of what I outlined in my earlier post. I get my friendship and support here in this space.
I also know that I tend to compartmentalise my life as that's how I can deal with it. Eg, that is dwd, that is husband space that is kids space, that's work section. I dont cope well when it all blurs together....I get stressed and feel overwhelmed.
Instead of stressing about what you feel is missing, can you accept and enjoy what is there? Unwaivering acceptance and support, a bit of fun......have you tried Mike's quiz? Healthy competition. People who will quite honestly talk about whatever it is you need. I think that's pretty special.
I don’t really like talking on the phone, even my mum and I will text most days and FaceTime once or twice a week. And the only people I have ‘regular’ contact with outside of the forum are Suzi and Stella. Because, generally, I get to talk to and interact with my friends from DWD, well, on the DWD forum, and that’s enough for me. I don’t know what you think we’re all doing but we really aren’t in each other’s pockets!
I keep thinking about this a lot. The thoughts and feelings I have about these topics. People tell me often to speak my mind and ask if I would like something. Tell people what it is that I like or dislike.
But the reason I dont like doing something like this is how it makes me feel. Now I have the feeling that I am being petty. Selfish. And that my thoughts and feelings are bad.
I think in the end what I would have liked was to have a better stronger connection to people. Thats why I try to reply to people by saying if there is anything I can do let mme know.
I feel terrible typing all of this. Because of how this is making me look. But its not that I want to talk to everyone in the phone. Although its clear that being a friend is something different in everyone eye.
It feels like all I can say now is sorry. So thats what I will end my post with.
Sorry.
Strugglingmum
20-01-21, 07:53 AM
I actually think you have a stronger connection to people on here than you believe. I understand that it's how you see things and noone is trying to play down how you see things, but at times I need help to see the reality of a situation, that what is going on in my head isn't the actual reality, that my perception is a bit skewed, I guess I was just trying to help you in the same way.
Dont be sorry for how you feel, feelings are real, but sometimes we need to challenge our feelings to see if they are based on reality or perception. Therapy does help with that and it has led to a much more peaceful state of mind for me......I still need help with it at times!!
WRT people sending things to each other - erm, I think I've sent you more things than I've sent anyone else!
I talk on the phone to Stella and Ange - normally they call to check on me or make me sit down and focus on them, rather than be doing lots of other different things...
I'm going to be blunt, because you're my friend and right now you need to hear it...
1) It's up to you if you come here or not. I can't make you.
2) It's up to you if you post or not. I can't make you.
3) Things aren't as you think they are. I'm not always texting or calling anyone else - the only people I call is my Mum and my little sister. I rarely send things as I've not got the money to do so. I only have other contact through facebook....
4) If I don't reply on your thread it's nothing to do with you - it means I'm caught up in something else. I'm currently dealing with home learning for my 3 kids, and Marc isn't well atm, along with everything else...
5) You HAVE to tell your therapy team everything, and I mean everything. Anything you don't tell them isn't helping them to help you. It could be the difference between working a diagnosis or not.
6) Many of the things you are struggling with you know is your head playing tricks on you. So combat them. Stop allowing them to win. You want to post and be friends then do it. Your head tells you that we are ignoring you - then tell yourself that it's complete and utter bo((ocks and move on. Is it easy? NO! But you have to do it...
7) You need to take back CONTROL.. You can do this, but you have to put the work in...
8) We can beg you to stay, we can beg you to post, we can keep on telling you that you are our friend and we like you, but that obviously isn't helping, so not I'm putting it back in your court. I'm not begging or pleading with you to stay. The choices are yours and yours alone. Stay or go. I'll still be your friend either way....
Stella180
20-01-21, 09:40 AM
I speak to many members away from the forum and why? Because they are my friends. You’ll notice my name pops up a lot when others have mentioned who they talk to. That’s because I make the effort to interact with my friends. I’ve driven all over the country to visit my friends, most of them living more than 100 miles away. If I had an up to date passport I would love to come visit you too. Oh and for the benefit of others who may not be aware I am in contact with you away from the forum too. Even when I wasn’t on the forum I reached out to you via email and more recently WhatsApp so you are not being left out in the way you think you are. Did everybody wants to interact away from here. This is why there is anonymity of a screen name. I chose to share my personal information with the people I care about, the people I trust, including you.
In therapy and on other occasions I have been told I should speak up when I have something on my mind. When something is bothering me. But when ever I do there seems to be some kind of backlash of thing happening no matter what my mind is telling me the feelings I feel are real and true.
But at work I open up about things it does nothing or make things worse for me. I talk about what I feel and think about friendship here and it feels like people are defending themselfs. Explaining why they dont reply or hoe much they call each other. That was not the reason I opened up about these things. The only intension was to say I wanted a deeper connection to people. And I would have love to have had it with some of you since I see the beauty in everyone here.
But instead now I feel like I have accused you all of something and thats why it all got defensive. Never my intend. I only wanted to share my feelings. And thats something I dont think I can now.
No, that's not the case. No one was defending themselves, just explaining things and trying to show you that things aren't as your head is telling you. We were trying to help.
It seems my head gets everything wrong lately. In that case I apologize and thanks for the help.
Jaquaia
20-01-21, 10:47 AM
Yep! What Suzi said!
Strugglingmum
20-01-21, 10:52 AM
It's not nice feeling misunderstood and I'm sorry you felt that way. You know people here and should know we only try to help in our own way. I'm sorry if you didnt hear what you wanted to hear. I really dont know what else to say on the subject other than what I already said this morning.
What are you up to today? Are you going out?
I'm hoping to go for a walk or cycle later. I need to get put of bed first. The idea of putting structure back in my life has gone a bit awry. I have a zoom class in 40 mins and need to get moving to get ready for it.
Stella180
20-01-21, 11:24 AM
Mira, you are my friend. I genuinely feel for you cos I know what it’s like when you feel misunderstood, like nobody understands how you feel. Your feeling are absolutely valid, they are real and it hurts a lot. It’s the thoughts you are having that are wrong. You are a valued member of this forum, people do care about you. There is no agenda against you. This is your illness lying to you, trying to take over your life and make you feel awful about yourself and it’s winning. At some point you will have to question these thoughts. You need to start recognising the lies inside your head and prove them wrong. It’s never easy but I promise you it is worth the effort
Thanks for those lovely posts Stella and SM.
If its ok this thread can be closed. I think its all been said now.
IF that's what you want I will close it now.
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