Dealing with loneliness

[Tom]

Just had two pretty unproductive days where i hardly could get anything done, apart from the necessities and a bit of sport but that's it. Reason for that is the strong feelings of loneliness I have been fighting, or at least tried to do so. :s
I'm just fed up of not having a relationship, not having someone special to share things with and to go through life together. I just really need some affection, emotional but physical as well.
And by that I'm not just referring to sex and intimacy (of course that would be nice too) but much simpler things, like hugs, being told that I'm loved, having a shoulder to lean on when things are going badly and so on.
Basically all the things that come together with a good relationship.

I know, having a relationship isn't always perfect and there also are downs and not just ups, but I even miss having that as well. I mean it's still better than the neutral state I'm in right now.
Sure, all that stuff won't matter when I find the right one, but it would be nice if that happened any time soon and not sometime in the distant future.
But for some reason I just can't find anyone to fall in love with me. Not that I didn't ever try, but it just doesn't happen and that's a big burden for me. :(

So I'm not really asking for dating advice or such (I guess there's no universal recipe anyway) but rather how I could cope with all that. Just to make it easier to get through those days or moments and prevent some kind of downward spiralling.

[Stella180]

I’m not sure I’m the right person to answer this cos I’ve been single pretty much since the end of 2012, apart from a 7 week lapse in judgement in 2017. I actually enjoy the single life. I mean yeah I do sometimes miss all the things you mentioned on occasions but there are also many positives about being single.

There is such a thing as trying to hard. When you treat every first date as a potential long term party you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. A majority of people you meet just won’t be compatible and that’s ok. I know it’s a bit of a cliche but love often finds you when you least expect it.

[Tom]

Well, if I was trying too hard on the first date that would imply that I even get to that stage. But I always get turned down before that, even if I'm just casually asking for grabbing a cup of coffee or somethng like that.
As far as I know and also have been told, I'm basically doing everything right. Also the friends I spoke with about that are puzzled, it's really frustrating.

Sure, often I'm fine with single life, the freedom and all that, but by now I definitely enjoyed it for long enough and I'd love a change.

[Flo]

Hi Tom,
Stella has said everything that I was going to say. Love has a way of finding people when they least expect it. When we really really want a relationship I think we tend to give off vibes that potential partners recognise if that makes sense and it can put people off. Have you thought of joining a dating website? This way you can be matched with someone that has the same hobbies, thoughts and outlook on life. It won't be so much a stab in the dark then. There are some very reputable agencies, it might be worth a go. Failing that, you could be just going to the supermarket one day and someone could drop some shopping that you help pick up and bingo! you strike up a conversation! Stranger things have happened! Don't feel down about it. It's worth waiting for the right one...better that than a few awkward dates and disappointment.

[Suzi]

I was also going to suggest dating websites, forums or chats where you are talking to like minded people? What about just talking to people socially and seeing what happens? I was also going to suggest that maybe you are trying too hard too lol.
What about asking friends if they have friends who you could meet up with?

[Tom]

I'm a little more on the shy or cautious side, so I'm definitely not trying too hard. I probably would be irritated as well if someone came up to me like that, trying to push it from the first second.
But for some reason I have never been approached once for 10+ years. Sure, I'm not the best looking guy out there, but being like a solid 6 with humour and a good and honest attitude should be enough for at least trying, I hope.
But since I'm somewhat shy, or at least reserved, and not really tall (quite small actually) I'm maybe not standing out and am overlooked quite easy, who knows.
And before you ask, there are no issues with body odor or such, my friends are a very honest bunch and very direct too, they would definitely have me told so and made jokes about it (rofl)

I tried Tinder once for some time, but not having any matches at all just turns down your self-esteem. I'm not really the type for online dating anyway and prefer to meet people irl. Just feeling more comfortable doing so.

I guess I have the best chances when being recommended by friends. But until that happens I'd still love to have some advice on how to cope with it.

[OldMike]

I'm in my 70's and single and it ain't half bad :)

[Strugglingmum]

I have had 3 friends who have met their spouse online dating, not tinder which tends to be a very looks based superficial judgement but on sites where they started just chatting to someone and it led to a relationship. Especially with lockdown restrictions I think a lot of people are lonely and turning even more to online. Working from home, restriction on socialization and people not shopping as much it's even harder to meet someone. I wouldn't dismiss online.

[Suzi]

Do you have a good social circle around you? Are you doing things like meetup.com where you can meet up with a group of people to go to an event or something - Obviously pre covid...?

[Tom]

I'd say my social circle is alright. Some close friends, we regularly do some stuff, going to our pub, bouldering/climbing and more. Also some mates who I don't see that often, usually more on bigger occasions (birthday parties, concerts, festivals and so on), but we always have a great time. Though, the number of female friends is a little lower in our circle, I guess we're all not that good with women ^^

Thanks for convinving me to give the online world another chance. I looked around and found a quite interesting app, where you don't have a photo in your profile but rather a description of yourself, hobbies, etc. Should be far less superficial than Tinder, so I'm giving it a try right now :)

Gonna do a little cooking now for distraction and maybe post the results later on. Perhaps I'll regularly do this as some sort of project and to share some good recipes (mm)

[Paula]

If you like, we’ve got a Recipe Thread (http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?19740-Recipe-Thread!) which anyone can contribute to :)

[Suzi]

That post sounded positive. Good luck for the dating app... What kind of thing do you cook?

[Tom]

Thanks Suzi, I hope for the best!
Just did a lovely and delicious plate of spaghetti carbonara and I'm quite satisfied with the results :)
I'll definitely share it in the recipe thread (y)

[Stella180]

A man who can cook! How are you still single? Lol

[Suzi]

Lol....

[Tom]

Most girls probably are too concerned about gaining too much weight when being with me (rofl)

[Stella180]

I’m well past that stage lmao. Seriously though, a man who is good in the kitchen is something a lot of girls like. A date involving a home cooked meal would be really cool. Of course getting to know them on neutral ground first would be an idea but definitely use your culinary skills to your advantage.

[Suzi]

I agree, it's always lovely to have dinner cooked for you!

[Tom]

It's even more fun to cook together! I'll definitely try to put my skills to good use :)

[Suzi]

Sounds like a great plan. Have you ever held dinner parties or similar where you can invite your friends and suggest they bring some friends too?

[Stella180]

Great idea Suzi

[Tom]

I already did, but only at a quite small scale yet. I should definitely dig into that more (y)

[Suzi]

Absolutely! As soon as we can mix and have more than 6!

[Tom]

Fortunately, I'm not living in the UK and the rules here are not as strict. There's no real lockdown, just wearing masks in public transport and stores. But we have to be careful anyway, so I'll see how the situation develops.

[Suzi]

Ahh, where abouts are you?

[Tom]

Oh, just realized I never mentioned that. Actually I'm from switzerland.

[Suzi]

I've only been through Switzerland on our way to and from Florence when I was 17. It was so beautiful!

[Paula]

Loneliness is a complex mental and emotional phenomenon that has at its core a powerful emotion that has survival value for children.We have all experienced some degree of abandonment, if only for a short time, and we remember the painful and frightening feeling that comes with it.When you feel lonely, it's because something triggered a memory of that feeling, not because you are in fact isolated and alone. The brain is designed to pay attention to pain and danger, and this includes painful frightening feelings; therefore loneliness holds our attention.

Hi and welcome. It would be lovely to get to know you. Perhaps you could start your own thread in the Introductions section?

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome. It would be lovely to get to know you. Perhaps you could start your own thread in the Introductions section?
OOps, nope. Banned for spamming... ;)