I did a stupid thing.

[Haloeffect]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been on here in the past when things were bad and I remember it being very helpful and a nice place to be. The “Purple Place” is how I thought of it.

I’ve been so, so stupid. I did something bad and it’s causing me a lot of pain now. It’s a very, very long story.

In 2018 I was going through a lot, it was a very tough time and to cut a long story short I got back in touch with a girl I’d met the summer before and fell deeply in love. I was already in a relationship and never set out for this to happen but it did, believe me love at first sight is real. It happened to me.

Anyway it’s gone on for two and a half years now and she is involved in my life whether I like it or not. We both work for the same firm, albeit remotely and have become very close friends.

So what’s wrong? It sounds great doesn’t it and aspects have been great but....on the other hand it’s been hell. The positives...I have had many wonderful experiences with her, incredible laughs, deep conversations and magical days out. She was a great friend to me at a low ebb...all brilliant things. She also has a young son who I fell in love with deeply and, having no kids of my own, I genuinely experienced what it is to love a child and I adore him so much I would do anything for him.

The bad? We can never be together. The crazy thing is we’ve never really discussed it although she went away at the end of last year And I wrote her a long letter that spelled out EVERYTHING. I chickened out of giving It to her but the day before she left she forced my hand and I sent it by email. She didn’t really say yes or no but said it was really beautiful and that she knew all of it already.

While she was away I did get over her to a degree and was dreading her coming back which shocked me as I thought I would die without her. When she came back she wanted to see me but I avoided her for a few days and when I could put it off no longer I saw her and I was back to square one. One look in those eyes and I was right back to where I started.

We’ve gone beyond being friends many times and I will be honest it’s always incredible.

I just cannot get my head around this situation even after all this time. I’m head over heels in love even though essentially she is just a friend.

I wish I’d never started this. It’s like I’ve been shown an incredible life that will never be mine. I call her place “Neverland” as that’s how it feels. Every moment with her is incredible, she’s the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen, incredibly charismatic, very funny, intelligent, fascinating, extremely sexy and, above all, a friend like you wouldn’t believe.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to be in this situation and I won’t be the last. She’s not done anything wrong, she has never led me on or given me the slightest hint she has wanted something more permanent. I just built it up in my head, it’s a case of Halo Effect, hence my pseudonym.

I know the way out is just to cut her out of my life but that seems unfair as she’s not at fault, I just can’t handle it.

I really feel like I’m going out of my mind sometimes. At other times I can go with it and just accept I have these wonderful people in my life and I’m so grateful and I’m at peace and then it will flare up and right now it’s horrendous.

Thanks for reading. I know I’ve done wrong, i am not proud. I never imagined I’d be in a situation like this but here I am.

I needed to write this down and get it out there.

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome back.
Firstly are you still in the first relationship?
Why can you never be together?
Does she feel the same?

[Paula]

Hi and welcome back. I’m assuming that you don’t feel this way about the person you were already in a relationship with? If so, is there a reason you’re still with them? Despite what may or may not happen with the girl you’ve fallen for, being with someone you don’t love isn’t fair to either of you.

Do you think there’s a chance of a real relationship with the girl from Neverland?

[Haloeffect]

Hi Suzi and Paula and thanks for reading. Yes I am still in the original relationship and it’s going well. I love her very much and that’s probably why I’m so messed up about it all And unhappy with the person I’ve become.

The “Girl From Neverland” (I love that!) isn’t really a relationship person so that’s why it never really was an option. She’s a free spirit which is a bit of a corny phrase but she really is.

God knows how I will ever get out of this mess. I just try to live day to day really.

[Suzi]

If you are still in love with Girl no1 then really you should either fully commit or break it off so you can be with The Girl from Neverland.... Affairs are never straight forward and everyone involved ends up hurt...

[Strugglingmum]

If you love your girlfriend and are committed to her then sorry but for all your sakes you need to stop all communication with the girl from Neverland. If you cant then you aren't that committed to your girlfriend and would be kinder to let her find someone who will commit to her. Long term.... you cant have your cake and eat it. It only makes a mess and will be a mess of your own making. Save yourself the heartbreak now.

[Stella180]

How can you claim to love your partner if you’re thoughts are with another woman? Is it the fact that you can’t have this other women that makes you so attracted to her? You really need to work out what it is you really want cos your current partner deserves somebody who is fully committed to her. I’ve been on the receiving end of a cheating partner too many times and causes so much pain and heartache. Make a choice not just about what’s best for you but what is best for these women you say you love.

[Paula]

I’d like to add that, just because you don’t (at the moment) have a sexual relationship with this girl, does not mean you’re not cheating. Emotionally you’re cheating, and your partner does not deserve that

[Haloeffect]

Hi Everyone and thanks. I know I did a bad and stupid thing and it HAS caused a lot of hurt now....to me. I just want out now, the pain is constant and awful. My God I would NEVER have got into this if I’d known how I would end up feeling.

I wish it would all go away. Really struggling now and I know I deserve it.

[Suzi]

Can you make a decision as to which of these people you want to be involved with and stop being with the other?

[Haloeffect]

Yes. I want to be with the original girlfriend so must cut ties with The Girl From Neverland. It’s painful
As she’s been a brilliant friend to me and really was great to me and because she’s not done anything wrong. It was my fault.

[Suzi]

Then tell her.... Could you go back to just being friends with her or do you think you'll have to sever ties completely?

[Haloeffect]

I would like to cut all ties but that will be impossible because of work. I’m not planning to see her or messaging her but I a replying to her messages currently but it’s all light stuff. In the ideal world I’d like to remain friends as she has been brilliant to me but my emotional involvement is too great. It will just mess me up. At the moment it just looks like a huge cross I will have bare.

[Suzi]

Then distract yourself away. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you fell in love with your girlfriend love, go on dates, send spontaneous flowers, fall in love with her and your relationship together....

[Paula]

And remind yourself why you’re choosing your girlfriend .....

[rickayer]

Hello. Have you already got some changes in your life?

[Haloeffect]

Hi, yes I have made some changes. IÂ’ve deleted the WhatsApp account which we used to message on. Well I thought I had but I could see I was still appearing on it on another phone so I had to load it again and I could see she had sent messages but I didnÂ’t read them and then completely deleted it so thatÂ’s gone. IÂ’ve also deleted Facebook and Facebook messenger. For now she can still call or use old fashioned texting to contact me and I expect her to do that when she realises IÂ’ve vanished from these other things.

For now we are still technically connected by work but sheÂ’s still furloughed and I may be leaving my job as itÂ’s turned to hell and that would mean I could completely get rid of her from my life but itÂ’s a bit drastic. ThereÂ’s also the chance she may be made redundant and I could push for that but thatÂ’s pretty awful. IÂ’d prefer her to come back but do something that doesnÂ’t involve me so we could have minimal contact by email and no face to face contact.

So....IÂ’m taking action to cut ties and it actually feels good. IÂ’m starting to think that there is a way out of this mess after all.

I know it sounds negative but IÂ’m
Also trying to think of all the times she has said something that got me down and there arenÂ’t many but IÂ’m focusing on that side of things, trying to break the Halo Effect.

[Paula]

That all sounds positive, well done hunni

[Suzi]

That's really positive. I'm glad that you're working towards a happier time for you...

[Strugglingmum]

It's always good to finally be doing something towards achieving your goal.

[Haloeffect]

Thanks everyone. She still hasn’t been in touch which is unlike her but she may have got the message? The last time we were in touch was Tuesday and that was ok but then I made the decision to cut off some of these forms of contact. Normally she’s in touch every day so as it’s been a few days now I think she must know something is up. My phone is certainly less busy!!

I’ve certainly picked a bad time to do it as I’ve got so many other problems but this could have just gone on for ages if I hadn’t acted and I actually feel ok being out of it which is a nice surprise.

[Suzi]

Do you want to talk about the other things bothering you?