View Full Version : Is this a relapse
I'm worried it's back. Been feeling so low and anxious for some time now. Im in constant pain with headaches and TMJ which has got so much worse since the beginning of lockdown. I've been in contact with my gp on the phone almost every other week since lockdown. Now been put back on antidepressants after being off them for a few years. But they aren't helping. It's been 7 weeks and the pain is worse. I started back in work last week. My biggest fear right now is going off on sick leave again. It brings back so many painful memories from last time. I'm desperate for this not to happen so I am pushing myself through. Faking it to make it. Trying to put a smile on my face in work. Even though when I come home I am collapsing into a nervous wreck. Feeling so agitated, frustrated and fed up. Sleep is getting worse even though Dr gave me a strong antihistamine which is meant to work like a sleeping tablet. I'm trying to stop myself getting bad like last time. However I feel I can't help this. I can't help the way I am feeling right now. I feel so disappointed in myself that it come to this again. I really shouldn't be moaning or complaining. So many people are going through so much worse right now. I feel quilty for these feelings.
Hello lovely, long time no see. How are your beautiful children?
I'm so pleased that you are talking openly to your Dr. That's really important. TMJ is hideous, it's something I deal with too and it's one of those pains meds don't seem to touch properly.
What meds are you on?
Kids are good thanks. How are yours Suzi. My baby is about to start high school. How did that happen!! Obviously lots of anxieties around that but I'm not too concerned as she has some good friends with her.
I'm on duloxetine. Problem is when I speak to gp I get a different Dr each time. I've spoken to four different ones past few weeks and they say different things. Last week the gp was questioning why I am on duloxetine. He said that won't really help my headaches. Anyway I think he is right. I think I'm going to call tomorrow as I'm feeling worse not better since on them.
I don't know if the TMJ is causing my headaches or if it's anxiety and depression. Dr gave me duloxetine because of headaches not depression because I have tried everything else over past few years and nothing has helped. I'm having a MRI scan next week but gp doesn't think it will show anything. It's just for reassurance because the headaches have been so bad and constant.
It’s good to see you, lovely, I’m just sorry it’s for this reason. Have you asked your surgery whether they have someone there who specialises in mental health? It may be a nurse, doctor etc. It might help, if they do, to have just that one point of contact ...
I can't believe your baby is about to start secondary school! Wow! Time flies!
Have you seen a neurologist?
My gp referred me to neurologist in 2017. They replied saying they won't see me until I have tried everything. In February I went to my gp. She said to increase the dose one more time of the medication I was on then. If that doesn't work then she will refer me. Then covid happened so no chance of a referral. I have been asking my gp since then and they keep saying no point at the moment because I will be waiting a least a year. One go wrote me a letter for me to self refer to private. I've booked an appointment at end of August but it's £250. I booked it will the hope I can then be transferred to NHS. But part of me is asking should I be seeing a physciatrist instead. I really don't know. The MRI is on NHS so will see what that says then I shall decide.
I've got to the stage that I dread going to bed because I struggle with sleep but then I hate waking up because I don't want to face the day.
Oh sweetheart. Have you talked to your husband about all of this? Friends/family? Work?
I spoke to GP this morning. He wants me to increase the dose of the antihistamines he gave me which has a sedative effect to see if that helps me sleep better. He is reluctant to change antidepressants at this stage because I have only been on them over 7 weeks. He said once I get MRI results then we will know if my issues are more physical or psychological or both and can go from there and he can advise if he thinks I should go ahead with private neurology.
My husband is being very supportive. It's frustrating for him and of course I feel bad on my kids when they see me struggling.
Well done for speaking to the GP. Just keep talking to your family, you will get through this, together
I'm proud of you for talking to your GP lovely, you're doing all the right things. Talk to your husband and children - tell them what's going on - they deal with things much better if they know what it is and they have things explained to them...
I slept slightly better last night even though I did wake up a couple of times in the night. Hopefully the increase in the sedative tables will help me.
I was so anxious driving to work. I felt shaky. I'm home now so going to try not to think about work. It all feels so stressful at the moment. I hate wearing a mask. I feel claustrophobic and the elastic irritates my ears but at the same time I'm anxious if I'm not wearing it. I'm constantly washing my hands or using hand sanitizer. Now I'm home I don't know if I should change clothes and shower but I can't do that every time. It's too much. At least for now I'm not in work every day and the other days I work from home. And im still part time which really does help. Im still not ready for full time work. I would have thought by now I would be and I do feel slightly disappointed but at the same time I'm proud of myself for sticking out the same job for 7.5years. this job actually has helped me in my recovery process from my last major episode of depression.
Work wise you’re doing what you need to do - your health always has to take priority, so well done for recognising that
Paula's completely right lovely..
Just been honest with my manager and told him I'm struggling. He replied saying he thought I was doing better as I hadn't said anything to him. At the beginning of lockdown I confided in him as my anxiety was really high. I told him very briefly that I had a past history of depression and anxiety. Anyway he agreed I can stay and work from home tomorrow. I told him I really do not want a situation that will mean I need to take sick leave from work. Going into work is making me feel anxious at the moment.
I'm not having a good day. Feeling like I'm rapidly descending back down into that pit. So much is getting to me and I'm feeling very irritable and agitated. This state of mind is horrible and so hard to pull myself out off. I've tried searching the web (eg mind) and looking for self help. Yesterday I made a self referral to healthy minds but it said on average 6-8 months wait for therapy. It's so hard to explain this feeling right now. But I feel so flat. I've spent the majority of today in bed. Tried to login to work stuff whilst in bed but can't concentrate. I got up to make ds lunch around 1pm and back in bed again feeling flat, low and no energy. DH just come home from work asking why I am in bed. I said I just exhausted. Dd will be home soon with a friend so I'm going to have to show an appearance at some point.
I'm so proud of you for talking to your manager. I know that's not easy. It sounds as if they've been really helpful and understanding. That's a huge positive.
What's DS been doing while you have been in bed today?
I know you're struggling, hunni can you go back to basics? Get up, get showered, get dressed, eat..... etc...
Ds gets on with his own things. Usually involving technology.
I'm having a better day today. I had a virtual team meeting this morning at 10 so I got myself dressed as I wouldn't want them to see me in my pjs. I'm feeling a bit more reassured about work now I know all the signage is up and procedures in place for social distancing etc. I'm working from home next week so I don't need to go in. We are on a rota to avoid it getting too crowded.
The increase in the tablets to help me sleep have helped the past few nights. Even though still takes time to get to sleep and I wake up at least once, I have slept much better compared to last few weeks. So I'm hoping that's working.
I baked bread this afternoon with DD and it's so yummy. Can't beat freshly baked bread straight out the oven. I the smell is devine. Definitely good comfort food. Although my waist isn't thanking me for it.
I am still feeling shaky but I am also trying hard to push it off and do what I can. I've not been out the house since Wednesday and dh keeps telling me to go for a walk. He goes on a walk everyday which keeps him going. Maybe I'll try later if I can. But I don't want to push myself too much. Have a good weekend all
That al sounds so positive. Well done lovely....
Hunni, is DS helping out around the house?
I just had my last councelling session. I got 3 via a work scheme. I don't understand why they give us three. It's really not enough. She seemed to imply that I never really got over my last episode of depression. I think she is right. My change in jobs helped me to heal and really distracted me. However I've not probably healed as I'm not well again. I can't shake this off. She said I'm in a very dark place and I know I am. I can stop this however hard I am trying. I feel like I have no rest. Last two nights I didn't sleep well even on the double dose. First three nights were better. I'm calling gp again. The councellors told me I must tell the dr how I am feeling. I feel stuck now. I was just beginning to open up then the session ended. I've done a self referral for healthy minds and will see what other help I can get. I hide this so well for people. I don't want people to know how I feel. I'd rather not have to discuss with anyone. But I'm keeping this hidden. Maybe I'm using my physical pain to hide my mental pain if that makes sense. Anyway I'm having an MRI this Wednesday so I'll know more soon. I kind of want them to find something so I can say this is what's causing my pain. But I guess if it is all phycological then I won't be able to hide it much longer. Not sure if any of this makes sense. I'm just feeling a little flat after this session. Im going to pick up take away for me and DD as not in mood to cook. The other two are away for two nights
Are you able to get some more counselling any sooner?
Are you talking to your DH about how bad things really are?
I found a local mental health charity advertising that they have some councelling available. I've messaged them today and someone will call me tomorrow.
DH knows how I am. He's been saying for some time now that I really need to get this sorted. My kids must know. They can see me complaining about headaches all the time etc. I was going through a phase of having a drink almost every night to calm myself down. I was drinking wine or beer or spirits. I would say this went on for a good few months. Not excessive drinking but enough to take the edge off my feelings and calm me down. I would think it could take my headaches away. But I was kidding myself because I know it made them worse. Anyway my ds discovered that on my tablets box it says do not drink alcohol. He knew I was having the odd drink. He's hidden every bit of alcohol I had left in the house. There isn't that much left but sometimes when I feel I really need it I can't find it. I even ordered myself another bottle of whisky on Amazon a couple of months ago but he discovered it and hid it. It's awful because I felt I was becoming reliant on it. I did mention it to the gp a few times before lockdown but they didn't seem too concerned. It was only in the evenings and not too much because I had to drive the next day. However during lockdown at the beginning I was drinking more because I wasn't driving anywhere. I think ds did save me before this habit got worse. But I have found it hard not being able to have a drink to calm myself down. I feel so selfish complaining. I feel wrong to feel this way. Almost ashamed of myself. Even my closest friends don't really know how I am feeling. I'm scared to open up for fear of judgement and people thinking I'm being silly. It's easier not to. It's easier to pretend everything is ok. Sorry for going on. I'm just writing how I am feeling
scilover
21-07-20, 03:20 AM
I'm sorry to hear that's happening to you. I'm glad your DH is helping you through this, remember that you don't have to face this alone. Also, you dont have to say sorry for expressing how you feel. We are all ears here.
Please don’t feel ashamed - you’re poorly, love, not selfish. I’m glad DS has hidden the alcohol, apart from anything else, it does reduce the effectiveness of your meds. There are other ways of calming yourself down - my go to’s are drinking chamomile tea and doing some mindfulness practice.
Have you explained to the kids that you aren't well and what's going on with you?
Dr wants me to continue on same meds untill I get MRI scan results.
I haven't explained to kids. I think they just know. I will find some time to talk to them. I just find it hard to.
I know it's hard, but I promise you it's better for them if they are told and that they feel that they can talk to you about things too. They will know there is something wrong, and children are exposed to so much, that they may be thinking it's something very different....
What about taking some sick leave? What does DH say about things atm?
Got my scan results today. The good news is my brain is clear. However it did show up two things which explains my constant pain. I have severe sinusitis which I suspected. I just thought I was being a hypochondriac and maybe all the pain was in my head but now I know I haven't been making this pain up and it's real. I have a two weeks course of antibiotics so I'm hoping that will clear if otherwise will have to see what else will. I also have a different nose spray to try. The scan didn't look at my jaw but I know I have TMJ as I get jaw pain and clicking and popping. All this has made my mood really low and I'm so fed up and struggling at the moment. I'm in work tomorrow. First time in work for two weeks and I'm feeling a little nervous. I feel like I'm suffocating with a mask so I'll talk to my manager as I'm sure I will be exempt. Especially as I can't breath through my nose. I'm also in work on Friday.
The scan also showed I need a blood test to check hormone levels as the pituitary gland was relatively more prominent.
I do feel reassured that I know that I haven't been making this pain up. I told my Dr that I had a panick attack last week. First major one in ages. My heart was beating very fast and I felt week.
I'm nervous to go on sick leave. It's been bringing back so many bad memories from when I was last on sick leave. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it but it is on the back of my mind. In fact there is so much I just can't get off my mind. I'm extremely irritable at the moment. The one thing keeping me going at the moment is that I'm teaching myself to play the keyboard that we bought at beginning of lockdown. It's my escape. It helps me to forget everything and just focus on the music. Apart from that I can't concentrate on that much and I know I have a big list to get through at work tomorrow and Friday.
Rubbish night sleep again. I woke 2.30 but I was able to get back to sleep. Then I woke at 5 in pain and can't get back to sleep. Really going to have to push myself through work this morning. At least I only work the morning. But I'm already stressing and panicking about how I am going to do it.
Hunni, why didn’t they scan your jaw?
I’m a bit puzzled, you’ve said you’re back at work then talk about being nervous to go on sick leave......
I'm glad you have some answers, and I really sympathise with the TMJ as it's one of the things I have too.
Do you have painkillers?
This time is very different to the last big one love. You've recognised the signs and you're already getting help and being as proactive as you can be. No one could ask for more than that!
Paula, at the moment we are in a rota of in work to reduce the amount of people in at one time. I was kept off the rota last week and just worked from home. My manager knows im struggling and has me in work a max of two days a week at the moment which makes me feel so much better.
I'm nervous to go on sick leave as last time I was on long term sick leave with my mental health I got so much worse. The work acts as a distraction to me so in a way it's a good thing. I'm just exhausted and have to push myself through it. I'm leaving soon but at least I will be home by lunchtime. I'm just taking one day at a time at the moment and trying not to think too far ahead. That seems to help.
I’m just taking one day at a time at the moment and trying not to think too far ahead. That seems to help.
Sometimes, that’s by far the best way. Well done, hunni
I'm really proud of you, you know..
Thank you Suzi and Paula. I'm home now and changed my clothes to be on the safe side. Work itself was ok. I get on really well with my colleague that was in today and we worked through all the tasks together. But I'm now in a lot of pain. Pain was there the whole time but I pushed myself through and concentrated on the tasks. I told my colleague about my sinusitis but didn't want to go into too much as I don't like to be seen as moaning. It's really hard. I'm exhausted now and just crashed down on my bed. I'm glad I'm not going in tomorrow as it's just too much. Im next in Friday. And only one day next week.
Painkillers don't do anything. I've tried everything and it doesn't touch the pain. It's why I was going through a phase of alcohol as that seemed to help but I know I can't have that.
So is it TMJ pain you've got?
I have severe sinusitis which I just started antibiotics for yesterday. I also have TMJ as have jaw pain and clicking and popping. This both causing facial pain and awful headaches and fatigue. I'm sure the anxiety and low mood is also contributing to the headaches.
Have you tried steaming with menthol to help with the sinusitis?
TMJ sucks. Can you stand massage? Actively trying to relax the area? Does something like a hot water bottle help?
I just sat with my head over steam and I had a lavender bean bag which I heat in the microwave which helps sooth. Been on antibiotics a week already and the pain today even worse. Sleep is still bad and my mood really low. I managed to get a call back from gp today. She gave me prescription strength codeine which I took a couple of hours ago and feel dizzy from it now. But the pain not gone so not much point in the codeine. I am so fed up with it. I hate moaning. I feel like I'm going crazy with the worsening of tinnitus. Dr said all my sinuses are inflammed. Apparently there are four of them. It's a matter of wait and see because there is no way I can get an appointment with ENT Dr now. I'm not prepared to pay £250 for a private zoom appointment.
I'm in work tomorrow. It helps distracts my mind so hopefully I will be ok going in. I can't wear a mask because I'm suffocating because can't breathe through nose. Hope people don't mind. Most people are wearing them.
I know with my pain meds that’s it’s useless to just take one dose on it’s own - I need to continue taking the prescribed dose to feel the benefit. I don’t know, as I can’t take codeine, but could it be the same?
What strength codeine? Is it co-codamol or just straight codeine?
The box says zapain 30mg/500mg. Which is codeine 30mg and paracetamol 500. I took two at 4am as I was up again and that seemed to help me through work this morning. Work was ok as I had a lot to do and was distracted but towards the end of the morning the pain was getting bad again. Since I got home I've been in bed and taken more codeine/paracetamol but it's not working yet. I'm so fed up with it. It's seriously getting my mood down. We are supposed to be going out to dinner later on the eat out to help out. My dh really wants me to go as this will be our first time out for dinner since march. The way I feel I don't want to go anywhere but I don't want to let my family down so will try my best for them. I hate this. I hate myself like this.
Stella180
04-08-20, 05:57 PM
Zapain is Prescription strength co-codamol. I learned the hard way that with pain meds you need to keep them topped up and regular intervals to get the best from them.
Stella's right. Waiting until the pain is bad means that you're asking them to do more than they can. Take them regularly (4-6 hours normally) and it should help you more than they are now.
Been to a&e last night. I'll explain later when have more energy. I'm fed up and my mental health is really deteriorating
I hope all is OK lovely...
Hope you're resting today and being kind to yourself.
I've been resting all day and not even got dressed today. My pain was awful yesterday and I spoke to GP at 6 who suggested going to a&e. My anxiety levels were also high. Dr gave me sumatriptan and dihydrocodeine and waited a bit then sent me home. When I got home I was so hungry as hadnt eaten so I made toast. Then not long later I was sick but I think that was because of the meds on a empty stomach. Dr in hospital wasn't convinced I had sinusitis because I hadn't responded to antibiotics or pain meds. But gp said I did. So I confused. I spoke to gp today who has agreed to do me a referral to neurologist. Just wait to see how long the wait is. I told him my mood is so low but he just wants me to continuing the duloxetine for now and not change anything as still early days. I have managed to set myself up with councelling starting next week so hopefully that will help. My manager has been amazing. I texted him to say I couldn't do much today as really not feeling good. He replied saying nothing at work today is important so not to worry about work. I personally feel that being in work yesterday made me worse. I felt bad after work last week. It's not the work itself that's bothering me. I just feel it's all too much. Too much of an effort to do everything and I'm pleased I managed to do it yesterday but I think it's exhausting me and too much at the moment. So much change and little things like remembering to go the right way round the one way system and to keep washing my hands and to keep my distance from everyone is making me anxious. I'm trying not to show this at work. I can feel myself shaking but I don't allow anyone to see. DH said I have a lot more colour in my face today. The pain isn't as severe but my anxiety has been high. I asked my Dr if my headaches are because of mental health. He thinks my mental health is bad due to headaches. I think it's a mixture of everything.
It sounds like you've got so much in your head...
Have you tried mindfulness? Meditation?
Stella180
05-08-20, 08:23 PM
Ahh dihydrocodine, that’s some good stuff!!!
I'm so rediculously shaky today. I can't control it. I assume this is anxiety.
Have you had enough to eat and drink?
Just drinking water. I'm going to make myself a herbal tea. I can't motivate myself to cook much. I had a cheeky piece of cake before.
I know it's anxiety. So much going through my mind and I can't control the physical symptoms. I'm starting councelling Monday so I hope to get somewhere with that.
You will have shaking and other symptoms if you aren't eating properly.
Yesterday I struggled to get up before 3. I had briefly come down at 11 to have breakfast but then I went back to bed. I had lunch at 3 but then fell asleep on the coach. Dh encouraged me to go for a walk with him at about 7 which o did. I know that it made him happy seeing me go out.
I keep having nightmares. DH said on Friday night I was shouting out in my sleep but couldn't make out what I was saying. I think I was running away in my nightmare but I can't remember it.
Last night was rubbish again. I woke up with my head throbbing around 5. I just want a proper nights sleep. I'm annoyed that I'm awake now. I would rather be asleep so I don't have to face the day.
Well done for going for a walk yesterday. Can you do the same today, when it’s cool enough? Are you taking the painkillers regularly?
I agree, are you taking the painkillers every 4-6 hours? Getting up and about is going to help. Staying in bed really isn't. If there's any way you can force yourself to be up then it WILL help...
Yes. I'm forcing myself up today. Will go for a walk later.
Thanks
Feeling so flat. I just returned from first councelling session.
It does help to talk but at this stage I'm not sure how it will help.
I'm trying to work out if my problems are phycological or physical or both. I'm so fed up that I don't want to exist like this anymore. What is the point. But why am I complaining because so many people have it so so much worse. I only have to switch on the news to see how much people are suffering. People have lost their homes and family in Beirut. People have lost loved ones to covid. Why should I be complaining. I have a roof over my head. I have a family. I have food. But I can't help myself shaking. I can't stop the insomnia and poor nights sleep. I can't stop the headaches. I can't help how I feel. But I feel selfish. I shouldn't be feeling like this.
Jaquaia
10-08-20, 12:25 PM
Says who?
Suffering is subjective, what bothers one person won't affect another but that doesn't mean our worries aren't valid. Disease and displacement do not mean that you aren't allowed to be affected by what happens in your life.
Be kind to you today, counselling can often make things feel worse before they get better (panda)
Thank you Jaquaia. You are right.
Obviously I want to feel better which is why I'm trying hard to help myself. I also know that depression and anxiety aren't pleasant and it's not my fault. I can't help how I am feeling. It's the depression talking when I say I want to give up and I don't want to live this life anymore. Of course I want to be here for my family and watch my kids grow up. I often feel like I am existing for them. I don't feel much pleasure or happiness in myself at the moment
Yes, give counselling a chance. I think we have to strip ourselves bare to start with - this helps you and your counsellor - but then both of you can start to rebuild again from scratch and the positivity starts to kick in. Things will get better. But we have to start with something even though that 'something' can be painful. Hang on in there shine.
Jaq’s right, it’s really important that you give yourself time and space after counselling - its really hard work. But it will be worth it
Stella180
10-08-20, 02:35 PM
I always felt worse immediately after counselling and would take myself out for something nice as a reward. It would take several days for me to pick myself up again and it was so hard. I was convinced it wasn’t working but the people around me started to notice a change. Stick with it and try to allow yourself time to heal after your sessions.
The others are right. Stick with it and be kind to you. But starting with the basics - getting up, showered, dressed, eating the right amount and drinking enough (not alcohol ;) ) WILL help...
Another rubbish night sleep. Took me ages to get to sleep mainly because of the storm. Then I woke up after about an hour. I've now been awake since around 5.30 and couldn't get back to sleep. This is draining. On the positive I contacted a friend I hadn't seen for ages and she came on a walk with me yesterday afternoon which was really lovely. Really helps seeing people and talking.
Strugglingmum
11-08-20, 08:14 AM
I'm sorry your sleep is so poor. Does your doctor know how bad your sleep is? I'm only asking because for me, not sleeping is a huge stumbling block to recovery. It wasnt until I finally started to get some sleep that my brain was able to process things better. It might be worth letting your dr know that you are still struggling with your sleep and it's becoming a huge issue.
I'm so pleased for you to start counselling. It is also exhausting and can feel as if it doesn't change anything. Its good to talk, it helps you get things straight in your own head. It doesn't change anything right away but gives you the tools you need to rebuild your life and leave behind the things that are dragging you down, or learn to cope with them better.
Well done for reaching out to a friend....that is really tough to do sometimes. You are doing so well. This is the time for basics. Wash and dress, eat, rest, drink lots of fluids, take your meds and build in something that you enjoy. You may not enjoy it right now but my CPN used to tell me, keep doing it, someday you will find it starts to make you smile again. Keep going, you will get through this and you will find peace again
My gp knows about my sleep. I'm taking the antihistamine promethazine hydrochloride which was given to me as a sleep aid. The Dr increased it to two tablets and it's still not helping. I feel such a nuisance everytime I put a phone request in for my gp. At the moment it's weekly and I feel they must be getting fed up with me. I'm waiting for a blood test result from Friday so I thought I would wait a few days before requesting a call. About 3 months ago the Dr gave me one week of zopiclone but refused to give me anymore because it's addictive. I was on this years ago and I remember it's hard to come off.
My headache is creeping up on me so I've just taken some codydramol. I'm not sure if this is helping. I'm really fed up. Supposed to be taking dd school shoe shopping this afternoon. I'm dreading it. DH is coming with as it's too much on my own. I'm attempting to do some work now but it's so hard to concentrate.
You’re not a nuisance - that is what your GP is there for, after all. Please don’t wait too long for your blood results and please, please talk to the doctor at the same time about your sleep. You cannot manage, no one can, on so little sleep. I’d suggest you try to call today - ask if the bloods are back and ask for a call back if they are; if they’re not, try again tomorrow.
I agree, you shouldn't wait. You aren't a nuisance at all!
Thank you. I just put a request in. They have a good online system where you can write a message for the Dr and even request which Dr you would like a call from and if it's urgent or not. I'm feeling nauseous and shaky and I said I would like a call back asap. I explained the tablets aren't helping me sleep and I'm really struggling with low mood, pain and tinnitus. Hopefully it won't be long. I really don't feel like going out shoe shopping today. Maybe can do that another day. It can wait. I suggested we could try to go out for the eat out to help out so will see if we can do that tonight
Lack of sleep is horrible, and it's hot at night at the moment which doesn't help. Never feel bad for contacting your GP..they need to know.
Just a couple of things to bear in mind which may help with the lack of sleep....stop drinking anything with caffeine in after 4pm..coke is the biggest culprit! Also, try not to go to sleep straight after watching tele. Reading for a bit before putting your head on the pillow sometimes helps. It works for me. I'm not a daytime napper - wish I could be - I feel punch drunk afterwards then I can't sleep at night....it's a swine!!(hi)
I've come back to bed now. Not sure if I will sleep. I just can't do anything. Not going out now or tonight. I'm feeling nauseous and dizzy. I'm waiting for gp to call. I am making sure to drink water incase I'm dehydrated.
I know what you mean about daytime napping Flo.
Right now I feel like I can't do anything. I feel mentally and physically drained. Loud noise is getting to me and a house behind ours is blasting loud music in their garden again. I've had to shut my window because it's getting to me but it's too hot. Every little thing is getting to me. I feel very irritable. I hope this feeling passes soon
Dr just called. I'm shaking and was holding back tears. She's doing me a referral to the mental health team as I don't think she knows what to do. She suggested maybe restarting me on venalfaxine but I told her I'm scared to because of the side effects I experienced last time. I was on it for 5 years. She said she doesn't know how long it will be till the MH team call me but if I get worse I should go to A&E. I'm petrified. So much is coming back from last time. I know this time is different. I have a supportive work environment. But there is so much triggering and I can't stop this. Im trying hard to remember the CBT I learnt all those years ago but I can't do it. she asked me if I had harming thoughts. I said no because I know I won't do anything stupid. But so many times I keep getting thoughts coming in my head that I have had enough and want to end this. But I know that's not me talking. It's the depression and I don't mean it. I just don't want to live like this. I feel I'm just existing but not for me. I'm so unhappy. I find it too too difficult to tell anyone this. It's much easier to write these thoughts down. Im sorry to keep going on. I don't know who to talk to. The Dr couldn't stay on the phone long
Ok, hunni, just breathe. You’ve been referred and hopefully the MH team will be in touch soon. The dr just mentioned venlafaxine - that doesn’t mean anyone will force you to take it. There are plenty of other ADs that work that may help you. If you really don’t want venlafaxine, then tell them that.
If you’re having thoughts, it’s always important to tell those who are looking after you - whether you think you would do anything about them or not. So next time someone asks, tell them. And if you need to go to A&E, tell them. When you speak to the MH team, tell them. And, lovely, you need to tell your family what’s going on......
Can I ask you a blunt question? Could the shaky, dizzy and nausea all be due to anxiety rather than anything else more physical? Are you eating? Drinking properly?
WRT the neighbours loud music I totally sympathise (one set of our neighbours is almost always blasting either full on Bhangra or cheesey pop) but I've found putting some music I like on helps me to focus on that, rather than the sounds from outside. They also have young children who scream an awful lot...
Paula's right. You do have to start talking to those around you about how you are truly feeling. You have the options of A+E, the Samaritans, you can text SHOUT (Text shout to 85258) for additional support. You need to use them.
I know you're tired and feeling rough, the heat isn't going to be helping that. It hit 36 again down here today and last night it dropped to 29 so I totally get lack of sleep and it just being all consuming heat, restless, nausea etc due to heat - I know it's not the same, but you aren't alone lovely.
You can do this.
Thank you Paula and Suzi. My dh knows how I feel. I broke down in tears to him before. He knows I won't do anything stupid even if I have said it or felt it. He's made sure I have eaten something. I can't stomach much so he made me a plain potatoe with butter and I had an ice lolly.
I don't know how you are coping in 36c. I think you are right about the heat not helping. We aren't used to extreme heat. I'm supposed to be in work tomorrow but if I'm feeling like this then I can't go in. Everyday is different. Today is a particularly bad day. Tomorrow is another day and I'm taking one day at a time.
I definitely do need to sort my meds out. I've been on duloxetine for about 2-3 months and I've not noticed anything. Venalfaxine did work last time but the side effects and withdrawal was tough.
I'll call Samaritans if I am struggling later. Suzi you may be right about anxiety.
What was the problem with the venlafaxine? It's been an absolute game changer for Marc...
Strugglingmum
11-08-20, 11:10 PM
You are so right. Tomorrow is another day. I'm so glad you have a mh referral and I hope it wont be too long. Have you tried any mindfulness apps or meditation videos on YouTube? I know they helped take the edge of my anxiety a bit to let me relax a bit, if not sleep.
Everyone has made really valid points. There are different AD's that you can try.I agree with suzi re the anxiety. I've experienced the same as you (many people do). Anxiety feeds off itself itms. The fear, nausea, dry mouth, panic, hyperventilation etc., intensifies when you think you're going out of your mind! Lack of sleep doesn't help. What can help is to get hold of a paper bag that's big enough for you to comfortably breathe in and out of. This way, instead of breathing too much oxygen which feeds the anxiety, breathing in your own carbon dioxide will quieten the anxiety. I've been in the state you are in and it's no picnic...it's terrifying! But clever you to realise that the depression and the thoughts just ISN'T you...it will pass. Something else that might help - well it helped me and helps my son - go on to Amazon and find relaxation CD's. There is one where you can listen to waves breaking on the shore. Get your partner or whoever to buy you some earplugs from a chemist. Open your windows but close the curtains. Concentrate on the CD while breathing in long even breaths. This should help with the panic etc. is there any way or could you afford to make an appointment with a private therapist? A lot of them concentrate on anxiety and depression. I did this for about 8 weeks and it helped me enormously. You won't be in a queue either! The cost varies but it's around £45 an hour depending on where you live. Google them in your area. I understand that not everyone can afford this type of money but even seeing someone once can change things around. It's a case of prioritising sometimes. Keep posting love. you aren't a nuisance...everything you have explained could be me or any of us.(panda)
Thank you. I definitely do need to look into relaxation. I'll have a look on YouTube first and see what free ones are available. There are apps as well that I'll check out that may help with the tinitus.
I didn't go to work today. I didn't feel strong enough to drive in especially in this heat. I knew it would make me feel worse. My manager is so understanding. He told me to just do the minimum from home and not to worry.
I am feeling slightly better than yesterday. I slept more than the previous night. Once the storm started at midnight the neighbours went in and it was quieter.
Suzi I just found the withdrawal from venalfaxine really tough and when I was on it I struggled with side effects. However I know it help me loads. I won't rule it out but I do think a Dr experienced in mental health will be better to advise. The gp with an interest in mental health isn't working this week. I'll try to speak to him when he is back in. I've no idea how long the referral to mental health services are. 9 years ago I got seen quickly because I had presented myself in A&E in crisis and I was straight away with the crisis team who referred me to physciatrist. It was the physciatrist that sorted my meds
What side effects did you have to deal with?
If you're struggling with suicidal thoughts, will you go to A+E?
I will do thanks. Im feeling a little better today than yesterday. I've put a blanket in the shade and sitting outside. It's hot but It feels hotter inside. One of my sunflowers opened up today that I planted in march. It's the first time I've done this and it made me happy today to see the gorgeous flower opening up. We have three more to open
That's brilliant. Looking for the positives will help...
Strugglingmum
12-08-20, 08:54 PM
Sunflowers are fab aren't they! they make me smile just to look at them. They are such happy flowers. Hope the others open soon so you have a sea of faces smiling at you.
Sunflowers are my OH's favourite flower..you can't help but smile at them can you? Glad you're feeling a little better.
How are you this morning?
I made it to work this morning. Really struggled to get up as I had another bad night sleep but I wanted to push myself. Apart from it being hot and humid at work I managed to cope ok. I now have 8 working days off as annual leave so hopefully I can switch off from work. I've collapsed on the sofa now and really exhausted.
Well done for getting into work lovely. Are you planning on doing anything nice whilst you are off?
Strugglingmum
14-08-20, 09:58 PM
Well done going into work today and so wonderful to have a break now. Any nice day trips planned or meeting up with friends? Enjoy resting and relaxing. (bear)
SM has said it all..well done you going to work....have a restful weekend.
No trips planned yet. Hoping to go somewhere Wednesday. I'm just finding it hard to plan anything.
Last night was a bad night. I woke up about 2.30. couldn't get back to sleep till after 6 which meant I struggled to get out of bed till 11. I watched a funeral on zoom which was really sad and I've been thinking about it alot today.
My escape method today was continuing teaching myself keyboard. I remember as a teenager I played the violin and this was my escape back then. If I needed to distract myself then I would play music. It helped to lift my mood.
It's good but at the same time I'm not dealing well with myself. I'm struggling massively with self esteem and image amongst so many other things. I find it hard and painful to talk about this. I've also put on over a st since march from binge eating junk which isn't helping with my self image. My eating habits are bad at the moment so I have myself to blame
Sorry you're not sleeping well. Try and take it easy and be kind to yourself. Your lack of self esteem and self worth etc. are typical of depression. As for the extra weight you've gained since March, I think most people and their grandmother have gained quite a bit, myself included! It's a comfort thing together with not being able to get out I think. Why on earth were you watching a funeral on zoom?! Someone you knew or morbid curiosity? With bouts of depression the last thing you need is doing or watching anything that brings you down. If you watch tv watch something uplifting, watch a funny film, do things that make you feel good like your keyboard.Go for a walk with a friend to somewhere nice. Plan any little trips to somewhere interesting and new. You'll get through this but it takes a little time. Meanwhile, do some nice things. Be good to yourself.(bear)
Strugglingmum
17-08-20, 09:18 AM
You've mentioned a few things which are really helpful. I love that you find music lifts your mood. Indulge in playing as much as you can. Also just having the radio on or a good playlist on spotify even if you dont realise you're listening to it, having it on in the background will help give you a lift.
You are not alone in having put on weight over lockdown and you are right, it doesn't help with self esteem issues. What does help is being pro active. Can you set yourself a goal to
brisk walk 10 minutes every day? It helps with routine...fantastic for recovery, it helps with helping you feel more energised and will help with your self esteem issues.
It's most important that you learn to be kind to yourself. You are not well and need time to recover. There is a great fact sheet on the forum on self care. Prioritise the things that help, especially while off on leave. Yes, other things need done too, I know, but looking after you helps get you through the mundane or downright horrible.
Hey hunni, how are you today? I agree with Flo, why did you go to the funeral? Someone you knew?
How's the getting up, washed, dressed, eating and drinking going?
With regard to your sleeping I think one of the worst things you can be dong now is staying in bed late because that then has a knock on to the following night. The best thing to gte a sleeping pattern back into control is to make sure you continue to get up at a sensible time (9ish) and then you'll be tired for that night itms?
The funeral was a close family friend. Due to covid restrictions we couldn't go so they made it accessable for people to join in on zoom.
We just booked a one night away trip to Blackpool later this week. I used Tesco clubcard to buy tickets for the pleasure beach. I really didn't want to go but hubby talked me into it saying we really have to get away for one night. Kids will love the theme park even if I don't go on the rides with them. Big rides frighten me. Last year I went with just my daughter and she was happy going on big rides herself. I'm worried about the social distancing and hope I don't get too anxious there. I wanted to go near the sea as I find sea air so relaxing. So the first day we will walk along the sea maybe on st Anne's and second day at the theme park
You'll have a lovely time. Try and think on the positives of going and the new things you'll see, plus a nice walk by the beach. I'm sure it will lift your spirits.;)
Absolutely agree with Flo. I know you've been struggling with anxiety, but you can get some great fresh air, and you have tools to help you along the way. It'll be a great time.
That sounds like a lovely thing to do. I’ve just come back from a few days at Bath and I was anxious too before we left. But once we got there and started doing all the touristy stuff, I allowed myself to enjoy it. I hope you can manage that too ;)
I think you're dead right Paula.....it's the thought of going, and what's going to happen that's the stumbling block. I'm the same...but when you're on the road it get's exciting and all the new sights etc., cancel out the anxiety. You'll have a great time AA.
How are you doing lovely? You've gone quiet...
It was great getting away from home. Unfortunately one night wasn't enough and once we got he last night I crashed as was so exhausted. On the positive side last night was the first time in ages I slept through without waking. My husband said it was the sea air. But I'm having such a downer today. Still not got dressed and can't shift this low mood
Glad you had a good time. Could you plan to go again for a weekend or something?
Get up, get dressed and go and be with your family. It WILL help lovely....
Im struggling to plan much at the moment.
There are a lot of things triggering my emotions at the moment that I don't feel comfortable talking on an open forum. I'm also in alot of pain today which isn't helping my mood.
Strugglingmum
21-08-20, 07:03 PM
So glad you enjoyed yourself. Its natural to feel a bit low after coming home, added in the tiredness of travel etc. Suzi is right though, how about a short family walk, get some fresh air. It will help give you a lift.
It was exhausting because I had to do all the driving. The weather on Wednesday wasn't good but we still managed to sit on the beach for a few minutes before the rain came then we found a costa and had half price drinks. I found the pleasure beach quite stressful yesterday and not relaxing. My son enjoyed but my hubby had to take my daughter out for two hours as she struggled wut noise and crowds. I was surprised how many people were allowed into the park. The park itself had done a good job with arranging one way systems and social distancing measures and masks on rides but it was impossible to completely keep distancing from crowd's. At one point I took myself off to a quiet cafe for a cold drink. I was glad to have been away from home. Wednesday was relaxing but yesterday far from it
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