Building a new life

[Jaquaia]

So I've been living with J for 10 weeks now. I tend to do the majority of the housework while he's at work though he objects to that. The way I see it is he is paying all of the bills and providing for us, so I will contribute by doing the housework. I am actually resting today. I've painted the window seat, changed A's bedding and washed and dried the dirty bedding, done a load of washing and argued with the cat.

Sat reading now!

[Stella180]

And that’s a rest day? Feet up, cuppa and good book sounds like the way to spend the afternoon.

[Jaquaia]

Well I'm sat down so to me it's resting!

[Stella180]

I’ve got outta bed for the gardener, guitar practice while he was here and back to bed again. Getting spooned by Talia. Lol

[Suzi]

That's loads! Glad to hear you're resting. I can't believe it's 10 weeks! Sometimes it feels like you two have been living together forever and sometimes it feels like only yesterday!

[Jaquaia]

He nags me to rest almost as much as you lot do ;)

It will be nice to start getting some of my stuff here and make it feel more like my home, rather than J and the childrens home. We never had much chance because of lockdown. I just brought necesseties... clothes, toiletries, uni work and books.

[Suzi]

That will be brilliant!

How's the drinking going?

[Jaquaia]

Not great. I get in trouble for that too...

[Suzi]

Good!

How much have you had to drink today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm on my 3rd or 4th glass. 4th I think.

[Stella180]

How big are the glasses?

[Jaquaia]

Erm... biggish!

[Stella180]

200ml is classed as a glass and you’re supposed to have at least 8 of those a day so that is 1.6ltrs. Of course in hot weather you need to drink more than that. Did you ever buy a water bottle with the measurements on in the end?

[Jaquaia]

No but had one that held 800ml. The glasses are bigger than 200ml

[Suzi]

Have you thought about putting a jug of water/squash/something you like to drink in the fridge and keeping note of how much you drink?

[OldMike]

It doesn't seem 10 weeks since you moved in with J doesn't time fly :)

[Suzi]

Morning gorgeous, how are you doing today?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Have washed T's bedding so that's on the line drying and painted the window seat again so resting now. Currently waiting for the pharmacist to ring me for a medication review with my new doctors.

[Strugglingmum]

10 weeks with J!!!!! I'm sure you are glad you got to do lockdown with J rather than at home. The time was just brill.

[Jaquaia]

I was only supposed to be at his a few days as we'd decided on Easter but I had a feeling that a lockdown would be announced. The look on his face when he realised I wouldn't be going back to my parents was well worth it though. You would've thought he'd won first prize in a competition!

[Stella180]

He did! You were the prize.

[Paula]

She’s not wrong :)

[Jaquaia]

I wouldn't go that far!

[Suzi]

I would! I totally agree!

[Stella180]

Amazing how all these wonderful ladies who claim to be always right seem to agree with me on a regular basis lol

[Jaquaia]

Suzi has a certificate... wonder where she got that from... :(:

[Stella180]

Yeah well, we all make mistakes. I’ll admit that I am only ever right when it doesn’t involve my own life.

[Suzi]

It's always easier to deal with other people's issues rather than your own...

[OldMike]

^^^ What Suzi says.

You've landed on your feet there Jaq and the icing on the cake is you've got that adorable little guy" Toby the cat" as your bestest mate (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

He's a little twat!!! J's dad dropped some boxes of books off and he sat in the box on top of them! Then when J started sorting them yesterday he sat on the bookshelf he needed and wouldn't move (rofl)

[Paula]

That’s what cats do .......

[Suzi]

Cats!

[Jaquaia]

It's all new to me, I've either been around dogs or rabbits, very rarely cats.

Decided to start gutting T's room as it looked like a bomb had exploded in there. He's not going to be happy as he won't find some things but he was warned several times that if he didn't do it, I would be. Currently laid on our bed in front of the fan trying to get a second wind!

[Suzi]

OO poor T! (rofl)

[Jaquaia]

Poor T??? I found dirty socks under his pillow when I changed his bedding and his dirty pjs were slung under his bed, that's after multiple warnings about putting stuff in the wash! His 5 year old sister can manage it without being told. I've spent hours with him in his bedroom sorting out and it looked even worse than before we started and we'd managed to tidy half the bloody room!

I've hoovered right through, changed our bedding, washed, dried and put away the old bedding, moved a DVD rack, tidied up a little downstairs, washed up, cleaned Toby's litter tray, emptied bins and put rubbish out and now my hip hurts, my hands are stiff and the bottom of my back is aching.

I think this is why J doesn't trust me to behave when I'm home alone...

[Paula]

Dirty clothes?? Is that the worst you can come up with???? Try 10 pieces of chewing gum stuck to the carpet!

[Jaquaia]

I ignored the bluetack stuck to the carpet and he needs to be reminded every day to change his boxers or he'll keep the same one on for a week... Besides, he's 10. He's generally not allowed chewimg gum just yet! There's plenty of time for it to get worse!!!

[Suzi]

But 10 year old boys think they are invinceable! They are, of course top of primary and looking towards secondary... Want to come and sort my girls' bedroom out?

[Stella180]

You’re more than welcome to come and sort my bedroom out. It’ll make T’s room look immaculate in comparison.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you? What's on today's agenda? Are you pacing?

[OldMike]

Isn't it normal to put dirty socks under your pillow (rofl)

[Strugglingmum]

If I put A's socks beneath my pillow i would never waken again(giggle)

[Jaquaia]

Isn't it normal to put dirty socks under your pillow (rofl)

NOOO!!!!


If I put A's socks beneath my pillow i would never waken again(giggle)

(rofl)


Morning love, how are you? What's on today's agenda? Are you pacing?

Had my bloods taken at my new doctors surgery, been to do my mums meds, been shopping, put it all away, unpacked 2 boxes of books and now sitting while J goes to pick the kids up.

[Suzi]

That doesn't sound much like pacing...

[Jaquaia]

Needs must today!

[Suzi]

Then are you resting now?

[Paula]

Hmmm but the books might have waited. I’m worried about you love, you don’t seem to stop, and most of what you’re doing is physical work or study with little else, it seems to me. How are your pain levels?

[Stella180]

Am I the only one who isn’t worried? I’m confident that J will be taking good care of Jaq. I may have a few small concerns but I guess I’ve learned my lesson about speaking out on certain topics.

[Jaquaia]

Then are you resting now?

Sat looking at a party food book with A planning what we can make for T's half birthday. She's excited at being able to help.


Hmmm but the books might have waited. I’m worried about you love, you don’t seem to stop, and most of what you’re doing is physical work or study with little else, it seems to me. How are your pain levels?

They would have but my mum has been badgering me to collect the books as for some reason they were stored in the shed and my neighbour has caught a few mice. J carried them to the car. He's off for a week now and has already said I need to rest.

I have some stiffness and have even started wearing my ring splints again. I'm not sure if it's because I'm doing too much or it's because my methotrexate has been reduced. Speaking of which, I need to try and ring rheumatology tomorrow as I took my last injection today and the delivery company hasn't received my new prescription when I spoke to them last week...

[Suzi]

Hunni, you do seem to just not stop. Will you try to work on pacing? How much have you had to drink today? Have you eaten during the day at all?

[Jaquaia]

I will try. I have eaten and been drinking though probably not enough.

[Stella180]

That will change

[Suzi]

So if J is off, does that mean you will be pacing?

[Jaquaia]

I'll be homeschooling today

[Paula]

Are you sharing the homeschooling?

Have you been drinking?

[Suzi]

Are you enjoying the homeschooling?

[Jaquaia]

We ended up giving the children the day off as we had a skip to fill and the weather forecast is awful, so we did it while we had some dry weather. A tends to do nothing at her mothers, here they both tend to prefer me to help them with school work. I do enjoy it, especially when A grasps something new that I've taught her.

Speaking of drinking. I'm sure Stella is trying to tell me something...
https://www.dropbox.com/s/tch4mz7w5yxnepv/20200605_134127.jpg?raw=1

[Suzi]

That's an epic bottle, I wonder where she got it from, my girls and I could both do with it!

[Paula]

Don’t get me wrong, I’m betting you make an awesome teacher!

[Jaquaia]

I try my best!

[Stella180]

Like I said, I don’t nag and a don’t do subtle. No excuses anymore for not drinking enough.

[Jaquaia]

Today I've done a wash and dried it, folded it, and made 2 lots pf chocolate concrete. Then we're watching Onwards again with tea :)

[Stella180]

Have you got pink custard to go with the chocolate concrete?

[Jaquaia]

No. House full of faddy eaters!

[Suzi]

Lol! I made a cross between choc concrete and a brownie ;)

[Paula]

I feel such a failure - I never made chocolate concrete.. or brownies for that matter ;)

[Stella180]

Paula I’ve heard about your kitchen skills so am sure your family is great fun you’ve not tried making those things lol

[Strugglingmum]

Ok so what is chocolate concrete????

[Suzi]

I'll stick the recipe to what I made in a recipe thread ;) It's *insert sarcasm* really difficult......

[Jaquaia]

This is chocolate concrete.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/l8ggeh4vtff5dku/20200606_214756.jpg?raw=1

This is the recipe I use http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/9885/chocolate-concrete-like-school-makes-it.aspx

At school we always had it with pink custard.

[Paula]

Paula I’ve heard about your kitchen skills so am sure your family is great fun you’ve not tried making those things lol

Pah! The cheek!

[Suzi]

Seriously Paula - check the recipe I've just posted, it's fab!

[Paula]

The reason I’m so bad at cooking (the rumours are true) is that I have no interest. I might, however, show Jess the recipe lol

[OldMike]

The reason I’m so bad at cooking (the rumours are true) is that I have no interest. I might, however, show Jess the recipe lol

I do not believe it, I'm sure you could rustle up something tasty ;)

[Suzi]

Morning Jaq! How are things today?

[Paula]

I do not believe it, I'm sure you could rustle up something tasty ;)

Mike, hunni, I’ve been known to burn peas.....

[Stella180]

Your talents in the kitchen Paula rival my own. I use the smoke alarm as a timer lol

[Jaquaia]

Morning Jaq! How are things today?

I'm tired. We're just popping out for a few things, the children could do with some time out of the house too. Then I'm going to do some baking with Thomas and cook dinner.

[Suzi]

How's the pacing going? lol

[Paula]

Are you going to get a chance to rest?

[Jaquaia]

I'll try. Baking with Thomas tomorrow now as the tins J has are unsuitable.

[Suzi]

So are you resting?

[Jaquaia]

Making tea.

[Suzi]

Any resting yet?

[Jaquaia]

Sorted A's work out for the week and now sat down.

[Paula]

What’s today’s plan?
Are you drinking?

[Suzi]

IS J helping with the children's school work too?

[Jaquaia]

What’s today’s plan?
Are you drinking?
Schoolwork then baking cupcakes with T, then probably a film with the children.


IS J helping with the children's school work too?

He is. We all sit at the table together and both help them. It takes 2 of us to keep A focused some days!

[Jaquaia]

He's done really well for a first attempt! He did it all on his own, I just guided him! https://www.dropbox.com/s/9zi0zi6fx8lqyk4/20200608_151934.jpg?raw=1

[Stella180]

They look yummy! Good job T.

[Suzi]

Those look great! Well done T!

[Paula]

Oooo yum

[Jaquaia]

They tasted lovely too!!!

Going to print out T's work for tomorrow then find something to do for me.

[Stella180]

Run a bath, lots of bubbles, and a good book.

[Jaquaia]

Can't be bothered. We had to talk to T over an issue and A still hasn't settled and it's just verging on ridiculous right now.

[Paula]

What’s the issue?

[Suzi]

Oh no! What's happened? Are you OK?

[Jaquaia]

All sorted. Me and his dad had a long talk with him and he went to bed feeling a lot better. He's said he wishes I was his real mum though. ..

[Suzi]

Awwww that's lovely.

[Jaquaia]

Lost another half a stone! 5st 2lbs loss in total so far!!! (party)

[Suzi]

Wow! Go you! So are you pacing today or running round after everyone? :) How's the drinking?

[Jaquaia]

Been homeschooling. Both children have been a pain but T more so than A. What should have only taken around 2 and a half/3 hours has taken all day. A ended up sat on the bottom stair at one point too. T has been warned that if necessary, if we have the same carry on tomorrow then he'll become acquainted with the bottom stair too. Now making toad in the hole and roast potatoes again for tea, it seems to be quite popular! And I don't mind as it's chucking it down and just thoroughly miserable here today.

[Strugglingmum]

I cant imagine how difficult it is homeschooling 2 young ones (actually I can and it makes me shudder!!)
Well done. I dont have the patience and 1 of mine in particular always knew how to push every button I had!! I confess I was awfully impatient at times. I'll share a terrible incident which we laugh at now but at the time I felt like the worst mum in the world!! We have academic selection here for secondary school which means testing in the autumn term of last primary year. My eldest is so brainy but a real clown and could never understand the importance of learning stuff. We used to do a lot of work at home to prepare for these tests. I was explaining something... for the zillionth time 1 day and he wasnt even really listening and just messing. Swallowing my impatience I asked, "do you get it now, does that make sense?"
His reply was, "i just dont think I'm meant to understand this" and grinned in his most cheeky way.
I flipped!! I slammed the pen down and yelled, "are you really that thick or are you just pretending?"
I was horrified as soon as I said it and he just shrugged and didn't care!! ..... I was right all along mind you.... he is the most qualified child I have and constantly doing more courses to further himself..... on his own terms.
If I had to homeschool dear knows how many times those words might trip from my mouth!!

[Jaquaia]

I've done most of it today as J was rapidly losing patience. Both of them are intelligent but A is still learning the basics so needs a lot more help, whereas T starts his final year in primary in September. He'd not read instructions, asked for help straight away rather than try, and was constantly asking for help even though he could see that I was sounding out words for A to write out. It got really frustrating

[Suzi]

Try the "read, think, read, try, read, check then ask for help" method. It's definitely something to stall the immediate requests for help and gives him a structure too.

[Jaquaia]

The issue is his mum refuses to help him. He said he's asked her before and she just tore his work up... so he'd only get that structure here.

[Paula]

It’s a good job they’ve all got you in their lives...

[Stella180]

Why would she do that? That’s gonna upset the poor lad. Actually I’ve just remembered who we’re talking about here so yeah, she does it cos she is a hateful abusive biatch!

[Suzi]

Wow, so caring and nurturing!

What's on your agenda today?

[Jaquaia]

More homeschooling then maybe baking a cake with A for J's dad if there's time as it's his birthday on Sunday

[Suzi]

You seem to be doing so much! Are the kids mostly with you atm?

[Jaquaia]

They have a week with us every 4 weeks. They go back to their mums today.

[Suzi]

Are you enjoying having them? They sound as if they're having a great time with you!

[Jaquaia]

They can be hard work but A has done some great work with me this week and T has realised he's not being let off no matter how long it takes. A said she likes me more than mummy...

[Suzi]

Aww. Are you enjoying spending time with them?

[Jaquaia]

I am. It's hard sometimes but they're my family now and I love them like they were my own

[Paula]

That made me grin!

[Suzi]

I am. It's hard sometimes but they're my family now and I love them like they were my own
That's epic. I hope you frame that and you look at it every day!
It's meant to be hard, and you're battling 2 sets of rules and expectations. But those little people are some of the luckiest in the world to have you there to love and guide them. You're amazing.

[Jaquaia]

Realised I've not updated in a while. Nothing much to say really. Fatigue is bad today and my hands have been stiffer than normal, but 2 weeks without my injections won't be helping. I've just had a phone call though and I'm getting a delivery on Thursday. The next week is busy. It's Father's day on sunday which means popping into Hull to take my dad his card and presents, popping to J's parents to take his dad his cards and presents, then making sure J has a nice day with the children. I have a telephone appointment with the rheumy nurse on Monday. Tuesday we need to go shopping really as it's T's half birthday on Thursday so I need to make a cake, bake some sweet treats and cheese straws and prep food as we're doing him a birthday tea, except J is on nights! (T's birthday is Christmas Day which is a rubbish day for a birthday, but even more so for a child, so they celebrate his birthday properly 6 months later as it tends to get a bit lost with it being Christmas). Also, we have homeschooling to do Monday and Friday.

[Suzi]

2 weeks without? Blimey hun.. Hope that the delivery turns up super fast and you get to get back on the meds asap.... Hopefully that should help the stiffness and the fatigue.
Most of next week sounds fun - Are you going to be in charge of the homeschooling whilst J sleeps if he's on nights?

[Jaquaia]

J finishes starts nights on Monday and his last shift will finish Thursday morning. They're with their mum when he works.

[Suzi]

Oh OK! I didn't know that!
How's the homeschooling going? Are you and J getting quality time together too?

[Jaquaia]

Some. When they're with us, A often doesn't settle until after 10pm so it's harder then. And when they're not with us he's working. The children mostly work well here.

[Suzi]

That sounds hard from a relationship point of view - especially one which has just started living together...

[Jaquaia]

We get evenings together when he's on days, afternoons when he's on nights, and he only works 14 days in 28 so it's not as bad as it sounds. And the children behave better with us so we get plenty of family time. And he always looks after me, I'm under strict orders to rest today as even getting dressed exhausted me today.

[Paula]

I’m glad you’re resting, you don’t seem to have stopped since you moved in

[Jaquaia]

I physically can't do it today, I've done 2 washes and that's it as that doesn't take much energy, but even that is tiring today. I'm injecting the minute the driver hands me my meds, and hopefully getting back on track with the methotrexate will help

[Suzi]

I sympathise I've been the same for the last 3 days. Literally standing took too much energy...

[Jaquaia]

Yep! I ended up sitting down and I'd showered and dressed this morning. Going across to the shop ended with me needing to sit down for an hour. I'm glad I've already wrapped all the Father's Day presents as I don't know if I'd manage them today. Still been able to outsmart J though. He keeps checking up on me to make sure I'm resting so I sent him a photo of the last curtain I was hemming for the playhouse. He reminded me that I'm supposed to be resting so I pointed out that sewing is relaxing and may help unstiffen my hands and asked if he'd be happy with me sat cross-stitching... yes. I asked what the difference was.

Game, set and match to me! (rofl)

[Suzi]

I'm glad you've been sitting at least! That's cool!

[Jaquaia]

I wasn't capable of much more if I'm honest

[Paula]

How are you feeling this morning?

Btw, I’m very impressed you’re listening to your body. How’s the drinking?

[Suzi]

How come it's been 2 weeks since you last had your meds?

[Jaquaia]

Drinking isn't great but better then it has been. Tired today but J has had a nice day so I'm happy. A got him a Stone Roses t-shirt, T got him a wagon kit for his layout and they got him a mug between them too then we went to Kiplingcotes Station and had a picnic. It's was shut in the 60s and J and the kids like it the. I was determined he was going to have a lovely Father's day where he wasn't left feeling like an afterthought and seem to have succeeded. My dad and f-i-l both loved their presents too.


How come it's been 2 weeks since you last had your meds?

My rheumy hadn't sent a prescription to the delivery company. I'm assuming my phone call reminded them that it needed sorting.

[Suzi]

I'm glad J has had a nice day and both dads liked theirs too! Have you had a nice day love? You seem to say about everyone else, but not you....

I'm glad they have got it sorted, they've taken their time about it...

[Jaquaia]

It's been nice. I've struggled a lot this weekend because of various reasons, so it was nice to feel a bit more level.

[Suzi]

Do you want to talk about those reasons?

[Paula]

Love, I am feeling atm that you’re skating over the top of what’s going on in your head.....

[Jaquaia]

Not really. There's nothing anyone can do to change things.

[Stella180]

No probably not but sometimes sharing with people who care is enough to help get things straight.

[Strugglingmum]

(panda) just leaving this here.

[Suzi]

What's going on in your head love?

[Jaquaia]

At the moment I'm just focusing on homeschooling. A has finished her maths, subtraction to 10, and she wants to do her reading with J as it's based on one of their favourite bedtime stories. T is finishing his english and then has his maths to do, decimals to fractions.

[Suzi]

But what about you? What about how you are feeling?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Irritable, it's TOTM and I have stomach ache, plus I had to miss 2 days of ADs too as I couldn't get into Beverley to collect my prescription and J was at work. Public transport is almost non-existent here.

[Suzi]

Oh no! Missing your meds isn't going to be helping how you are feeling, esp with the methotrexate too. I'm sorry love! Can you get the meds delivered to you where you are?

[Jaquaia]

J picked them up this morning. It's just things have crowded me at once and overwhelmed me. My rheumatology nurse is repeating the referral to physio and wasn't impressed that my prescription had been missed. If they aren't delivered on Thursday then she wants me to ring and leave a message for her and she'll chase it up, and she wants me to ring straight away if it happens again as she said they could have done me a prescription to pick up from the hospital. She wasn't impressed that no one got back to me.

[Suzi]

I'm not impressed either!
Do you know why things have been overwhelming?

[Jaquaia]

The usual really

[Suzi]

Want a hug? (panda)(bear)(panda)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

Hugs are always welcome

[Suzi]

Hugs are always freely given...

[Paula]

Health wise you’re dealing with a lot and your life has completely turned on it’s head - in a good way but it still has an impact. It’s completely understandable you’re overwhelmed - I would be too *adds more hugs to the mix*

[Jaquaia]

It's the little things. J's best friend revealing the gender of her baby, finding photos of them looking like a happy family when T was born, photos of them and gift cards from their wedding while sorting the summerhouse out. I get he has a past but it's always in my face at the moment. My mum ringing me amd getting a sarcastic "oh I do have another daughter then?". Or the phone call before that asking if I wanted to give the dollshouse my grandad made me when I was 4 to Scarlett to "keep it in the family". All that on top of everything else was just too much and I cracked.

[Stella180]

Yeah I get it. Probably more that you realise. I also know that you are nowhere near ready to hear what I have to say about it and if you’re looking for hugs from me you do bugger off lol. You know I love ya mate.

[Mira]

I am sending a hug over too (bear)

A lot of us can relate to times when so many things build up and can have a huge impact. And the things you mentioned are all things that would give me the same feeling. But J seems to be the kind of person that can understand it if you talk to him about it?

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, that sounds like an awful lot to be trying to deal with. You're right he has a past, but hunni so do you. Could he not move things so it's not always in your face? You seem to be doing an awful lot of the moving stuff around when you really shouldn't be - especially not atm when you're run down, and not right with meds - and totm too. Hunni you're only human - superhuman, but human none the less. I think any of us would struggle with all of that! You need to talk more, get it out of your head.... I'm glad you've started talking...

[Strugglingmum]

I'm so sorry hun, that's a lot to be dealing with. (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I ended up breaking down completely on Saturday. I have no idea how I kept it together when J got back with the kids. Oh and I missed out the part about how J's dad rang me and went on about how neither him or J's mum remembered their trip to Rotterdam (I mentioned finding a disc of photos when sorting the summerhouse) and then started going on about their expensive honeymoon to Egypt. J was livid when I told him. Probably not surprising that I ended up crying like a baby at bedtime, proper snotty sobbing. I've not cried like that in a long time.

[Suzi]

Ouch! That's almost like rubbing your nose in it! I'm so sorry love... Come 'ere love and have a cwtch or several....

[Stella180]

Maybe breaking down like that was exactly what you needed. It’s good to let it out.

[Paula]

Sometimes, we need to have a snotty sobbing session.....

[Suzi]

How are you this morning lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired. Only just getting up

[Suzi]

(panda) (bear) Are you going to be able to properly pace today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to paint the trim on A's playhouse and we're going shopping when J gets up (he's on nights), other then that, I will pace as much as I can

[Stella180]

I’ve just been lay in bed for the past few hours cos I can’t be bothered to get up. Having a lazy pup giving me cuddles is a good excuse to stay put lol

[Jaquaia]

I need to rest today as I have a shedload of baking to do tomorrow!

[Paula]

What you baking?

[Jaquaia]

Chocolate concrete, flapjacks, white chocolate caramel shortbread, cheese straws and birthday cake

[Suzi]

Wow, why so much?

[Jaquaia]

We're doing T a tea party for his half birthday and his grandparents are coming across too, since his birthday kind of gets lost at Christmas.

[Suzi]

Ahh yes, sorry you did mention that! Can you spread out some of the baking, so it doesn't all have to be done in one day?

[Stella180]

Happy half birthday for T. All those goodies you’re making sound yummy.

[OldMike]

Half birthday that's a new one on me, it's a really good idea if your birthday is near Xmas and New year.

[Jaquaia]

I can do the biscuit for the shortbread and chocolate concrete today

[OldMike]

Chocolate concrete (giggle) wow I'm learning a lot today ;)

[Jaquaia]

His birthday is Christmas Day Mike, hence them giving him a half birthday.

[Jaquaia]

Dying here! Send cold drinks and ice lollies! Even the cat is either sleeping under the bush in the garden or sleeping in front of the fan yet dickhead here is baking!

[Stella180]

So stop being a dickhead and leave the baking for another day!

[Jaquaia]

It's T's half birthday tomorrow so it needs doing. There's only the cake left to do though just burnt my finger on caramel. That stuff is (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing hot!!!

[Suzi]

Could you buy some stuff to try to cut down on the baking or do it when it cools down? It's blinking hot here too, it's not my favourite at all...

[Jaquaia]

We bought mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages so I don't need to bake them. I've made everything else, there's just the cake, then tomorrow it's just making buttercream, melting the chocolate for the caramel shortbread, cooking pizza and garlic bread and making sandwiches.

[Suzi]

Blimey love... That's not a short list - especially in this heat!

[Jaquaia]

J will help me when he gets up. Today I've made the chocolate concrete, caramel shortbread, flapjack, cheese straws and the 2nd piece of the cake is in the oven. Plus I've done the washing. I should probably try and behave more when J is working but he can't tell me off when he's at work or asleep after a night shift... he has been checking on my drinking since he got up though and constantly topping my glass up.

[Suzi]

But love, that's loads.... What happened to pacing? Couldn't the washing have waited?

[Jaquaia]

It probably could have but I was running low on underwear and A has favourite pyjamas, which were all in the wash.

[Paula]

Hope T enjoys his half birthday party :)

[Jaquaia]

If the cake tastes as good as it looks, I'll share the recipe!

[Suzi]

Awesome! :)

[OldMike]

You'll have to post a pic of the cake it sounds scrumptious.

[Suzi]

Can't wait to see pics!

[Jaquaia]

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ka32vg36n1e6lxb/20200625_141645.jpg?raw=1

It would have gone better with icing but he wanted white chocolate buttercream

[Stella180]

A Lego cake!!! That’s soooo cool

[Stella180]

Save me a bit ;)

[Paula]

Ooo yum!

[Suzi]

Did you make those lego bricks? That's an awesome cake! Marc would love it! (He loves lego)

[Stella180]

Marc would love it! (He loves lego)

Not filling a stereotype there at all lol

[Suzi]

I know! :)

[Strugglingmum]

Looks fabulous Jaq. Well done. Xx

[Jaquaia]

Did you make those lego bricks? That's an awesome cake! Marc would love it! (He loves lego)

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/324070112931
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/324070124893
Melted white chocolate and chocolate food colouring.

The in-laws bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers as a thank you :)
https://www.dropbox.com/s/uobkou5qqc3czpv/20200625_203217.jpg?raw=1

[magie06]

Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.

[Stella180]

^^^ yep wss

[Suzi]

I agree too!

[Paula]

They obviously adore you :)

[Jaquaia]

It took me aback a bit as I wasn't expecting anything. I did everything I did as I wanted T to have a memorable day.

[Paula]

Which is why they adore you

[Suzi]

Exactly! I assume he had a wonderful time?

[Jaquaia]

Everyone did Suzi. I wasn't impressed that the children had had hardly anything to drink while they were with Cruella during the day though. It was ridiculously hot and they told us they'd only had a bit of water before they left for the zoo and a slushy that they didn't even like while there.

[Stella180]

So now you understand why we nag you about drinking. It’s not nice when someone you care about isn’t looked after is the most basic ways.

[Suzi]

That's ridiculous of her!

Glad everyone had a great time lovely.
Hope you're resting now?

[Paula]

How are you feeling?

[Jaquaia]

Tired and overwhelmed. Not having a great day but we've come out for a picnic and it's lovely and peaceful. Can't hear any traffic, just birds, bees and crickets.

[Suzi]

Wanna talk about it? What's overwhelming you love? Is it just you and J or plus little people?

[Jaquaia]

Little people. J thinks it's because I'm pretty much a new parent and all new parents get overwhelmed at times. It doesn't help that I'm tired and too hot and achey

[Suzi]

Have your meds arrived yet? Hunni, you're dealing with a lot right now and yes you are a new parent, but you're not only learning on the job, you're having to share and know that they aren't being looked after or have the same ground rules etc when they aren't with you. Along with your own issues around children. You've just worked for several days whilst also keeping on with all the housework, home learning and everything else when you haven't had your meds and this heatwave has screwed my system, so I'm sure it's similar with yours...

[Paula]

Suzi’s absolutely right, you know. You need to give yourself a break sometimes, and maybe that sometimes means not being superwoman (I’m sure no one would have minded if you’d bought in a few more things for the party, for instance - and if they do, refer them to me and I’ll tell them what I think of that). You seem to be trying to prove yourself, lovely, and you so do not need to do that - you’re awesome, just as you are

[Suzi]

Annoyingly, as always, she's right you know....

[Stella180]

Jaq, give yourself a break mate. In your shoes I would have sat back out of the way and let everyone else get on with it cos there is no way I could cope. You are such a special person and no one wants to see you push yourself to breaking point.

[Jaquaia]

Having a couple of days were my body feels like lead and like I'm wading through treacle. I'm back on my meds but it's been a bloody struggle this weekend. A has been absolutely vile, fatigue absolutely hammered me yesterday but apparently I needed to get on with it to make the children think everything was normal so had to push myself to go for a walk around the village, and J has insisted on making me talk about what was bothering me and ended up making me feel uncomfortable as I could see T watching to see what was going on. Glad I'm home alone today. I've hoovered right through downstairs and cleaned Toby's litter tray as it made me feel better, mentally at least. My plan for the rest of the day is finish my book. I don't have much left for a great deal more really!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sorry things are so tough at the moment. Having meaningful conversations can be difficult when kids are around, even though mine are all adults its still difficult. Sending hugs and understanding (panda) (panda)

[Paula]

Erm no. It’s ok to tell the kids that you’re not feeling well, you need to rest and they can go for a walk without you. It won’t hurt them to know you can’t always be everything for them, that you sometimes need to put yourself first, and that you won’t always be able to smile. It won’t hurt J to know that, too

Does it normally take a few days for the meds to catch up when you haven’t had them?

[Jaquaia]

I've never been without the methotrexate for longer than a week so it never normally affects me, but then I was on a higher dose too, so I'm wondering if some of the fatigue and stiffness is due to me being on a lower dose. I've never skipped the vortioxetine before so it's possible that is levelling out in my system and is contributing to struggling.

I came upstairs to change my book and had to sit down and rest as even just doing that was exhausting.

[Suzi]

Hunni, I'm actually really cross that you felt you had to pretend to be OK when you're in pain, exhausted and dealing with no meds etc Sweetheart it's actually much healthier for the kids as well as you to actually say "I'm sore and tired today. Let me sit for a while and then we can xyz" And there is no way that you should have done all the hoovering and changing a litter tray - where was J when that was happening? What about getting the kids to help?

It's tough, but if you don't show them that sometimes things aren't always rosey and picture perfect then they won't learn that it's ok not to be ok itms? I wish I could give you a massive hug right now.... (bear) (panda) (bear)

[Jaquaia]

J was at work and the kids are with Cruella until Thursday. J actually told me to rest and was annoyed with me for doing all that. I suppose it's the same as at my parents, I feel like I need to do all that I do as I can't contribute financially.

[Stella180]

You do know that J asked you to move in because he loves and wants you there with him. Just being there is more than enough. Don’t feel like you have to earn your place there cos you do that by just being you.

[Suzi]

But you're there as his lover and the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with! You're not there as the cook, the cleaner, the teacher, the bottlewasher, etc etc etc It's more than ok for you to leave the hoovering or something or buy in things. You are amazing and you are superwoman, but love you contribute far more than the worth of money....... You're his lobster ;) (and yes I've just realised you probably don't get the reference because you're either too young or too cool....)

[OldMike]

But you're there as his lover and the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with! You're not there as the cook, the cleaner, the teacher, the bottlewasher, etc etc etc It's more than ok for you to leave the hoovering or something or buy in things. You are amazing and you are superwoman, but love you contribute far more than the worth of money....... You're his lobster ;) (and yes I've just realised you probably don't get the reference because you're either too young or too cool....)

I don't get the lobster reference either probably 'cause I'm too young and cool (giggle)

Jaq listen to Suzi because you know she's right.

[Suzi]

Lobster reference for those too young and cool...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyvRjF0NBeM

[Paula]

How can anyone be too cool for Friends???

Jaq, do you think that I contribute less to my household because I can’t contribute financially and Si is the one who works? Si has never thought that - because we are a partnership, everything is ‘ours’ not his. He loves me and we both know that we’re in this together. And I believe that’s how a relationship should be

[Suzi]

Completely agree!

[Stella180]

It’s a good job Si doesn’t count on you to do the cooking ;)

[Paula]

It’s a good job Si doesn’t count on you to do the cooking ;)

You burn enough dinners, you get banned from the kitchen. I’m an evil genius ;)

[Jaquaia]

J would agree with you all

[Suzi]

Why don't you agree?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. Maybe my upbringing, my mum did everything while my dad worked, and when my mum went back to work they shared everything. Feeling like a failure because my body won't cooperate. Hating how useless I feel when I physically struggle to do much. I find the pain easier to deal with than the fatigue.

J has given me strict instructions to rest today. I've started the washing and not done anything else. I don't need to do much as it's a washer dryer so I don't even need to swap the washing over until it's dry. He even ran me a bath last night and made me go and relax with a book. I just find it very hard to sit and do nothing.

[Paula]

At the moment, I can manage some cleaning and do what I can when I can, as he’s still working. But Si and I both know there are jobs I can’t do - eg hoovering a 3 storey house and lugging washing up and down a 3 storey house - so they're his jobs. I could feel guilty that I don’t work and he does, so why should he do any of the housework? But I don’t. Because I know, and he knows, that I do the best that I can and he would never want me making myself ill by overdoing things.

There are more important things in life than a perfect house and home made birthday cakes - like time spent with your loved ones, with your health intact

[Stella180]

Ok so let’s look at your parents now. Do you thing they equally share everything now? Your mum isn’t any less loved or deserving of her home because she is less able to do all the housework.

[Suzi]

I had a similar background. My Mum stayed at home, but then she went out to work too... So we did the housework and looked after the little ones.... When I was working and Marc wasn't, I didn't expect him to do it all, we had a home together, that meant that we sorted it together....
Now there are things that I can't do and I ask for help. My children have to help - they always have had to help with certain things, those things have changed since they got bigger and my body protested more...
It's about being together. You aren't a cleaner, you are an equal partner in a relationship. If the roles were removed would you expect him to do it all?

[Jaquaia]

No I wouldn't. And I'm not trying to have a perfect house, just a clean and tidy house that feels like it's my home. At the moment, it doesn't. It feels like their home and I'm just a guest here

[Stella180]

There’s only one person who can change that. You. That is only your perception.

[Paula]

Hunni, it’s bricks and mortar. A home is the love the four of you have together, not the four walls you all live in

[Jaquaia]

It's how I feel. The loft is still full of her stuff, as is the summerhouse. The house is still full of her decor choices, and I have asked over and over to change things, I've asked over and over to get rid of some things and I'm still waiting. I don't feel like I can do it myself in case it upsets the children. When I am constantly coming across her stuff, constantly looking out at the garden and seeing her stuff, how am I meant to feel like this is my home? When there is more of her stuff here then there is mine?

[Strugglingmum]

I can understand that Jaq. I would feel the same. Maybe J needs to hear you clearly when you say you are upset and why. I don't know either of you so I'm not sure what that looks like but it is a conversation he needs to hear again. He is the one who needs to act on this and sort it for you.

[Suzi]

Really? Why is he keeping it all? Have you talked to him and told him exactly how you are feeling about it?

[Stella180]

Jaq, it’s only been a couple of months. Yeah regarding her stuff I’d give her a date to collect it by or it goes to the tip. Don’t mess about, get it gone. She don’t live there anymore. Hopefully that will help massively.
You’ll probably hate me for saying this but as for the decor, you have gone today from saying you feel you need to earn your keep just to live under that roof to demanding the whole place is redecorated. Which is it? You knew the score going it. I’d rather he focused on officially making her his ex wife before I worried about her choices on home decor. You are fixated on all the wrong things. It will all get sorted it time.

[Jaquaia]

Yes. And because she won't pick it up. There's around £1000 worth of craft stuff in the summerhouse that she's barely touched. She claims she's clearing room for it as she has nowhere to put it

[Stella180]

Pooh, craft stuff? I might have to come and have a look before you dump it lol

Seriously though, give her a cut off date. It’s not a free storage unit.

[Paula]

I’m with Stella on this. Put a deadline on it or it goes down the tip

[Suzi]

I agree! Get it gone! If he won't do it, we'll come on a road trip and do it. We don't care ;)