View Full Version : Building a new life
Jaquaia
03-10-20, 06:29 PM
It is! Massively so! For example, one of the treatments for schizophrenia in the 1920s/30s was insulin coma therapy. They would inject patients with insulin until their blood sugars dropped low enough to send them into a coma. They were then revived with a glucose injection and this was repeated over a few days/weeks, except there was a risk of brain damage and 1 in a hundred died. And lobotomies were carried out for major depression as recently as the 1970s
I knew about the lobotomises, but not the insulin stuff. It’s horrendous what used to happen
Jaquaia
03-10-20, 06:46 PM
It really is. Medicine has moved on so much
Stella180
03-10-20, 08:02 PM
I’m currently watching Ratched on Netflix and that is just shocking. I know it’s a fictional show but the ideas of what constitutes mental illness and the suitable treatments are scary.
Jaquaia
03-10-20, 08:04 PM
There was a list of reasons for admission to Bedlam hospital in 1810... grief, love, jealousy, childbed!!! It's bonkers!
But remember they started out as being owned by private people with no registration or formal need to be qualified at all! So the longer they kept people the more they were earning!
Jaquaia
03-10-20, 09:26 PM
And people paid to gawk at patients, as if it was a circus sideshow
Stella180
03-10-20, 10:33 PM
Oh and don’t forget being epileptic or gay was considered a mental illness and in earlier times you would be considered the be possessed or a witch.
Or being a woman and having an orgasm!
Stella180
04-10-20, 09:32 AM
What’s an orgasm?
Jaquaia
04-10-20, 09:46 AM
(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
What’s an orgasm?
A deeply distance memory...
A deeply distance memory...
Yeap ;)
Jaquaia
05-10-20, 07:00 PM
T has just asked J how babys are made. I'm not sat here giggling at how awkward J looks... honestly!!!
Lol... Has J read "Mummy laid an egg"? It's hilarious and might just "help" :)
Jaquaia
05-10-20, 07:08 PM
I might have to buy him that!!! Don't think it's helped by the fact that A keeps saying that he wants to marry her old teacher as he once said he'd like her for Christmas (giggle)
Strugglingmum
05-10-20, 07:37 PM
Always a fun conversation..... (rofl)
Haha great posts so far :)
Gave me a great smile.
Jaquaia
05-10-20, 09:57 PM
I found a video of a woman going through the book and it's hilarious how awkward he looked!!! (rofl)
The book is fabulous. My friend bought it for me when I was training to be a teacher and one of my sidelines was teaching sex ed in an inner London area with teenagers.... They just wanted to embarrass me. I soon learnt to be open and blase about everything - I even had my own "walk on" music - "Let's talk about sex" by Salt and Pepper!
Jaquaia
06-10-20, 08:33 AM
T wasn't getting ready for school this morning so I threatened to message his teacher and ask her to explain it to him. Never seen him move so quick! (giggle)
J can't even talk to me about sex without getting embarrassed and it's me he does it with! It's hilarious!!!
Aww that's so funny on both parts! (rofl) (rofl) (rofl)
OldMike
06-10-20, 09:03 AM
*chuckles*
(giggle)
I was designated that role, when questioned, Si just told me that he’d have that discussion with any boys we had ;)
Jaquaia
06-10-20, 10:17 AM
I can get embarrassed easily but I'm quite straightforward, it's just amusing watching him squirm!
Jaquaia
06-10-20, 09:02 PM
Started chatting to my tutor about my project and he's said it's a great start that I'm thinking about ethics already so that's positive. We're going to look at a way for me to do a mental health based research report that will get around the ethics issue.
Jaquaia
06-10-20, 10:19 PM
Oh bloody hell! Just been through my study timeline and all the new learning on my core psychology module is finished by the 3rd week in January!!! The rest of the time is spent on my research project! Eek!!!
Crumbs! Have you a working area defined for your project?
Jaquaia
07-10-20, 09:36 AM
Mental health definitely, he thinks with my background it would be perfect for me. He's suggested looking at it more broadly that the pathology, so looking at what makes good mental health for example, or looking at what gives those who do the supporting satisfaction or mental health identities in industry. His suggestions all sound really interesting
Those do sound interesting!
Jaquaia
08-10-20, 09:30 PM
A has been lying about me again and I'm struggling to deal with it. And before anyone tells me it's what children do, don't bother
I'd never say something like that... Children should be taught right from wrong and lying is definitely wrong.
What's she been saying? Who to?
Stella180
08-10-20, 10:05 PM
What has she said?
Geez. No, hunni, that’s not what children do, or they shouldn’t. What is J doing about it?
Jaquaia
09-10-20, 06:16 AM
How I'm always mean to her and always sit her on the bottom step. I could hear J defending me on the phone as Cruella was threatening to not let them come back because of it until J pointed out that A is always saying she hates her boyfriend here and telling us that he slapped her.
Strugglingmum
09-10-20, 06:50 AM
Oh Jaq no wonder you are upset. (panda)
Well I doubt thats what kids are meant to do. And I would be (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed! But there can be a reason why A is doing it underneath.
Ouch, that's horrible. I'm not surprised you are hurt and upset. I would be too.
Is he going to talk to her?
Jaquaia
09-10-20, 10:35 AM
He's going to talk to her tomorrow once he's picked them up
What did she say when he told her about A telling you both about her boyfriend slapping her?
Jaquaia
09-10-20, 12:19 PM
She dismissed it
Jaquaia
09-10-20, 12:59 PM
Not great. I've told J I'm not doing bath time anymore or taking her to school on my own as I need to cover my back if she's going there and telling lies about me.
That's so sad, but I totally understand why. I would also suggest that he and you go into the school to meet the teacher and explain what's going on - always best to go in and say this, rather than be called in because she's said it and it's become a child protection issue...
Jaquaia
09-10-20, 01:28 PM
Her teachers have seen how excited she gets to see me, the child protection issue is likely to be with T as he's started talking to his friends about how his mum treated his dad.
It's good that he's opening up, but again, it might be worth talking to the teachers to let them know you are aware....
Sorry to hear that Jaq. Might it be worth having a word with the kids health visitor - if J knows who she is - as well as the teachers as suzi has suggested. It needs to be nipped in the bud.
Jaquaia
10-10-20, 12:13 PM
Things are better. Struggled to get going yesterday so didn't start studying until late. Today I'm baking J a birthday cake, I've blown up loads of balloons which I'll get the kids to help throw around before he comes downstairs in the morning, and I have the happy birthday bunting hidden ready for the morning! He's not had a decent birthday since before her so I'm determined that he's going to have a lovely day tomorrow.
Stella180
10-10-20, 01:06 PM
Hoping my small gift will make him smile too lol
Jaquaia
10-10-20, 01:49 PM
Knowing you, it will!!!
So glad you've got something lovely planned for him.
Did you talk to A about lying?
Jaquaia
10-10-20, 02:45 PM
J won't pick them up until he finishes work.
Is he going to talk to them then?
Jaquaia
10-10-20, 03:40 PM
I think so.
Cake is done... bloody cat tried climbing in the mixer to get the last bits of buttercream while I cleaned up!!!
(rofl) you love that cat really
He obviously knows it's delicious! :)
Jaquaia
10-10-20, 03:53 PM
The cake
https://www.dropbox.com/s/bireaiuotbdzwez/20201010_152655.jpg?raw=1
The cat... ^)
https://www.dropbox.com/s/tzyoupu8w5u1grw/6569eb95-927f-4339-91b1-991671eeb183.jpg?raw=1
https://www.dropbox.com/s/1jj759shjy2sxm8/b74a039b-5984-42e5-87f7-0b07bcef03b0.jpg?raw=1
The cake looks so yummy and the cat pictures are so funny haha wow what a bad rhyme
Stella180
10-10-20, 04:46 PM
It looks gorgeous!
Cake looks lovely and such a typical cat lol
Stella180
11-10-20, 01:56 PM
Did J like his balloons, cake and presents.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day today!
Jaquaia
11-10-20, 08:41 PM
J has had a lovely day! We went up to Whitby on the NYMR, had chips near the marina, went in a couple of bookshops, came home and had pizza and cake with his parents! I got the impression that he was a bit taken aback by all the effort!
That's lovely! Did you have a good time too?
Awesome. Him being taken back abit tells me he was not used to it for a long time. From how I can see it you both deserve to be in a loving caring relationship.
Stella180
11-10-20, 10:13 PM
So glad he had a good day. His a lovely bloke and deserves to be spoilt once in a while, especially on his birthday.
What a lovely day you had....the perfect birthday!
Morning lovely, how are you today? How did it go talking to the little ones about the lying?
Jaquaia
12-10-20, 09:25 AM
That's lovely! Did you have a good time too?
I did! It was nice to spoil J a little
Morning lovely, how are you today? How did it go talking to the little ones about the lying?
We were very blunt with her and told her exactly how serious her lying could be. All we can do now is wait and see how it goes.
Well done for talking to her and being blunt!
Stella180
12-10-20, 10:22 AM
I’m just concerned that lying is the symptom and you need to get to why she’s doing it. If she’s lying about she pertner as well as you maybe she sees the two of you as the people keeping her mum and dad apart? At her age divorce is a difficult concept to wrap her head around
Jaquaia
12-10-20, 11:09 AM
She heard us talking with T as he says he's seen her partner on Tinder and I commented that she wouldn't be able to afford the house on her own. A panicked saying that she didn't want mummy back here. We think it's because she's trying to make everyone happy. She knows Cruella doesn't like me so she thinks telling lies about how mean I am will make mummy happy and she knows J isn't keen on her bf so she thinks lying about him will make daddy happy.
His parents are starting to annoy us though, me more so. They seem to be so focused on T, making excuses for his behaviour as "he's been through a lot" that they seem to disregard the fact that A has witnessed a lot too and that J has been through an awful lot. They had T after school for a couple of hours the other week to run trains and A was disappointed so we said we'd talk to granny and grandpa about her having time there too. Yesterday his parents said about T going across again so J said no and that they need to do something with A. "She can watch" so J said no, she needs time on her own, to which T piped up that he'd have a friend over then. T also got told no. He needs to sort out his room as it's a mess, and he got warned about his attitude too. He shows off when people were around and instead of supporting us with trying to deal with that behaviour, they excuse it.
Stella180
12-10-20, 01:25 PM
That makes sense about A trying to be a people pleaser but being nasty about other people is the wrong was to go about it. Im sure the grandparents don’t mean to leave A out and it’s hard when you have more is common with one child than the other. Age differences Don’t help either. There is almost 4 yrs between my two and although that’s not a huge gap when is comes to trying to entertain both it can be difficult. I’m not at all saying it’s ok to favour one child or spend more time with them but I know it’s not always easy to do right by everyone.
We have had that issue with ours and Marc's Mum all the time. It's so hard and it breaks my heart when F says that she knows that Nanny doesn't love her as much....
All you can do is keep talking to her.. I'm really glad you're sticking up to his parents too and with T about his behaviour!
Jaquaia
12-10-20, 02:17 PM
J feels like he has no support from them and to be honest, I can see why he feels like that. They focus much more on the children, everything seems to be about them and J seems to come so far down their priority list. He tells them if things they do triggers him and it has no effect. He feels dismissed everytime he tells them he's struggling. Even yesterday, it was J's birthday yet they brought a bag of treats for the children! They don't eat even half of what they bring across, they don't wear half the clothes they buy them and they have so many packs of pencil crayons it's ridiculous. I have binned sweets etc that have been months out of date because they buy that much and it doesn't matter how much we tell them to stop they carry on.
And the bit I hate the most is J feels he can't talk about how unsupported he feels as he's always either had his parents shrug it off or Cruella would call him a poor little posh boy.
Stella180
12-10-20, 02:25 PM
Rather be a poor little posh boy than an abusive common slut.
Just saying.
(rofl) Stella...
That's really tough, but I can totally see it as we've always been in the same situation with Marc's Mum... I can't offer advice, just understanding.
I remember when I was growing up I did not lie a lot. But there where times when I did. One thing comes to mind. My mum was angry at the three of us. Me and brother and sister. Since there was a T Shirt that was cut with some scissors. I knew that my brother did that. But he did not say anything. And my mum got real angry so I said I did it. I did that to make everything go back to normal. And to a high level I still do that. I am lossing my thoughts sorry. I think I wanted to share this since different things that happen to kids can have totaly different outcomes.i think its good that you have a good idea of why she does it. Its better to work with that then to just punish her or get angry. That might make it worse. But I am sure you know all of this. Sorry for bringing it up
Jaquaia
12-10-20, 07:11 PM
No need to be sorry, you're right. It is better to understand why. We told her that her lies could cost her mums boyfriend his job and almost ended with her mum refusing to let them come here, just to impress on her how serious it could be. We think we've got through to her and J told Cruella when she picked them up that she's admitted she's been lying both ways so we just have to see how it goes now.
Sounds to me that you’ve handled it really well. As for parents, my mil has always had her favourites - the kids just let her get on with it now and accept that’s who she is. But as for J, part of a parents role is to support their child and ‘hold them up’ when they need it, no matter how old they are. That’s what I believe, anyway, and it makes me sad they don’t feel able to do that
Jaquaia
12-10-20, 09:11 PM
I've tried.
I'm exhausted and J is at work so camped on the sofa knitting and binge-watching Pride and Prejudice
You're awesome. You put so much love and effort into everything and making this an amazing home for you, J and the little ones. I'm not surprised you are exhausted. Rest tomorrow?
Then you are doing the right thing now. Its Jaq time. And if thats doing some knitting and binge watching then go for it. A lot has been going on and you deserve you time as well.
Jaquaia
12-10-20, 09:50 PM
You're awesome. You put so much love and effort into everything and making this an amazing home for you, J and the little ones. I'm not surprised you are exhausted. Rest tomorrow?
Study and starting the washing, but I can just put that in and leave it.
My eyes were starting to go blurry so I've put the knitting away, I'm just over halfway through and done around 8 rows tonight so getting there. Meds and bath soon then bed!
Morning love, how are you today?
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 10:28 AM
I'm ok, a little slow today though so just going to plod. Only just having breakfast! But breakfast with Colin Firth as Mr Darcy! (inlove)
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 11:38 AM
I just can't bring myself to watch the film version!
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 04:41 PM
Been sitting and stewing on this and need to get it out. I may have to start cancelling driving lessons because J's dad doesn't want to drive in the dark, which is fair enough, entirely his choice, but he could have said when I asked for help in the first place as I told them the time options and could have picked an earlier lesson time! I sound like a spoilt brat but it's annoyed me. It's the only thing I have ever asked them for help with in the 2 years I've known them. Yet they never seemed to have any problem helping her constantly so my head is starting to turn to the "well she gave them grandchildren" reason. The last bus leaves Beverley at half 5 so a bus isn't an option. I could get a bus that stops on the main road at the next village but J has already put his foot down and said that there is no way on this planet that I am walking nearly 2 miles at night down unlit country roads that don't have a path. J isn't impressed with his dad. J can pick me up 3 weeks out of 4 but 2 of those weeks mean dragging the children into Hull for half 5 at night and then fighting through rush hour traffic to get home. It's incredibly frustrating as I was just starting to get back into lessons!
I can understand your frustration! Any chance you can change the time of your lessons?
Why are they doing stuff for c? Oh and you've shown more love, care, affection to J and the children in the years that you've been together, rather than all the rest of the time that he's been with c so please get those horrible thoughts out of your head.
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 04:52 PM
They're not now but before they would always have the kids while she went out, took her out for lunch, bought her stuff she said she'd like, made her equal to J in terms of cost of birthday/Christmas presents (which I've already told them is ridiculous as he is their son so I'd expect them to spend more on him), had the kids if they were ill so she could still work, paid £45 a month towards her rent when she first moved out... that's just what I know about.
I can't change my time really as there is a lesson before mine. I'll talk to Bob about it. J doesn't want me to cancel lessons but I may not have a choice.
Talk to Bob, I'm sure there'll be a way of working it out...
I’m sure Bob will be able to help, hunni.
As for all the in laws were doing for her, has it occurred to you they were just trying desperately to try to keep things stable and easier for J? They must have known there was something seriously wrong
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 05:54 PM
He won't drive out to Cherry so I'm not sure how. He says it takes up too much of the lesson.
I’m sure Bob will be able to help, hunni.
As for all the in laws were doing for her, has it occurred to you they were just trying desperately to try to keep things stable and easier for J? They must have known there was something seriously wrong
They said they had no idea, they just knew J was often in a right mood. They said it all suddenly made sense when everything came out.
I’m not sure I buy that - I know my mum suffered awful guilt when my ex and I split, she’d say now that she had a feeling something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out and didn’t want to pry too much
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 06:41 PM
Possibly so. It could be they're denying knowledge to deny that guilt.
At the moment, I think my options are to cancel my lesson when J is on nights, get to Beverley and either walk or get a taxi, ask my mum to take me home which is unfair when she's struggling with her RA in her hands, struggling with her mobility and they're talking about removing her opiates again, or finish my lesson early enough for J to collect me from Beverley before work. Swapping times will be hard as Bobs timetable is full.
Or is there someone nearer you now who you could use?
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 07:03 PM
There are people nearer but it's taken me so long to gain confidence with Bob that I fear swapping instructors will really set me back
Stella180
13-10-20, 07:12 PM
You can’t unlearn what you’ve already learnt.
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 07:20 PM
Confidence levels massively affect my performance though.
Stella180
13-10-20, 07:28 PM
Ok so what happens when you pass your test?
IT might be something that you have to do though, unless there's another situation - how much would a taxi cost?
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 07:52 PM
Ok so what happens when you pass your test?
I'd have confidence that I have the skills to drive safely on my own. I know that I'm a safe driver now, and some of getting me to that stage is the relationship I have with Bob.
IT might be something that you have to do though, unless there's another situation - how much would a taxi cost?
I don't know. J has said he's going to talk to his parents. I've even said about getting to Beverley if they'd drive the 10 minutes to collect me from the station. His mum ended up getting left behind at New Year as his dad refused to drive to the railway, that incident left me feeling very awkward and like it would be better if I never went, and they paid over £100 for a taxi to York for the panto rather than drive in the dark. If he'd said something I would have asked for an earlier lesson.
Jaquaia
13-10-20, 08:27 PM
Oh well. I'm watching The Corpse Bride and knitting to destress!
Jaquaia
14-10-20, 10:38 AM
Tired. I think I've overthought things so much yesterday that I've exhausted myself
(bear) Are you pacing today?
Jaquaia
14-10-20, 03:37 PM
I'm sat quietly studying.
Are you pacing with it? Do you guys have the children this week?
Jaquaia
14-10-20, 06:12 PM
J picks them up from school tomorrow afternoon and they're with us until Saturday night. His mum and dad are going to sit with them while he pops to collect me after my driving lesson.
So are you resting this evening?
Jaquaia
14-10-20, 08:46 PM
Knitting and I have Harry Potter on in the background
Jaquaia
14-10-20, 09:59 PM
J's never seen them all so need to rectify that!
How can he not have seen them all? Has he read all the books?
How are you today lovely?
Jaquaia
15-10-20, 09:53 AM
He only really reads railway related books. He has severe dyslexia and always found that he struggled to concentrate with fiction. It's how we lost touch, the uni paid for him to redo his final year as they missed it and he failed so they got him diagnosed and extra things put in place as we should have graduated at the same time.
I'm ok, going to do a little studying before his dad takes me to my mums for my driving lesson
Ahh, has he tried coloured overlays? They've changed Fern's life....
Hope the driving lesson goes well lovely x
Jaquaia
15-10-20, 10:20 AM
He used to have stuff printed on light blue paper and we've found if I write the shopping list in a rich purple ink, he can read it better. He tends to do ok as he's developed ways of managing it but I notice he struggles with new books with A. If he's not read them before then he stumbles over the words more.
If you never hear from me again, then I'm afraid the monster by the front door has got me! Already seen him try to carry the cat off... seriously though, that spider is fecking ginormous and right next to the front door!!!!
Stella180
15-10-20, 12:33 PM
Did I fail to mention that rural spiders are bigger than city ones? Lol I remember having one once, many years ago, that was the size of the back of my hand. Biggest thing I’d ever seen.
OMG - hoover... It's the only way...
Jaquaia
15-10-20, 12:57 PM
J won't let me! He won't kill spiders! I told him he either moves it or I point it out to A who will want it moving!!! Last time I saw a spider that size I was 10 and living so near the edge of the city that the end of my street was farmers fields!!!
Then I hope he's moved it!!
Seriously, girls? You’re letting your gender down ;)
Jaquaia
15-10-20, 03:03 PM
I can catch daddy long legs with my bare hands but spiders with visible pincers and big enough to kidnap the cat??? Hell no!!!
I'm not letting my gender down, I really have a phobia of them. I once had one that was huge in between Ben and I when he was a baby and I had to call someone to come and get it out - Marc wouldn't leave work to do it. I've had "aversion therapy" when it was done very badly so it made it worse.... I'm great with wasps, bees, moths, beetles, snails, slugs, worms, slow worms - just not those things!
Stella180
15-10-20, 04:55 PM
Spiders are our friends. I share me home with tons of them.
I'm not coming to your house then!
Stella180
15-10-20, 05:38 PM
I don’t get many flies.
Did someone mention SPIDERS?!!!!.....AAAGGHHHHHH!!!!......I can't abide them! They lurk and I don't know which way they're facing! Ian puts a glass over them and takes them outside...well that's no good! The buggers just come back in!....if I have the balls then I suck them up my mini dyson, but if it's huge then I'm almost physically sick. My cousin sprays them with hair spray until they're crystalised. I've held a lion cub, I've had a snake around my neck, I've held rats, I've been swimming in shark infested swimming pools, but I draw the line at spiders! How is it that so many people are terrified of them? My mum wasn't so she didn't pass it on to me. What is it about them?
I don’t get many flies.
What! To swat or unzip??!(rofl)(rofl)
Stella180
15-10-20, 06:25 PM
Either to be honest lol
To be honest, I prefer a bacon sarnie and a good book!
Stella180
15-10-20, 07:55 PM
Hell yeah
Jaquaia
15-10-20, 08:56 PM
(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
Oh it’s been sooooo long....... (bacon sarnie that is ;))
Stella180
15-10-20, 09:13 PM
I hope you’re not bragging Paula ;)
Stella180
15-10-20, 10:22 PM
We are still talking bacon butties here?
Either/or...
I genuinely can't remember what bacon tastes like, definitely not a bacon sarnie...
Jaquaia
15-10-20, 10:53 PM
I had a bacon sarnie on Sunday, it was lovely ;)
Stella180
15-10-20, 11:06 PM
Show off!
Well look at you bragging about your bacon sarnie enjoyment...
Jaquaia
16-10-20, 08:50 AM
Well it was J's birthday! I had to make breakfast a bit more interesting than cereal!
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