When is it gonna be my turn?

[Stella180]

I’ve had an horrendous few weeks. Oh how am I kidding it’s been a lot longer than that but the past few weeks have pretty much broken me. I don’t really know where to start I just know I can’t do this on my own anymore.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I may be an independence person but I’m fed up with having to deal with so much (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) on my own. I just want somebody to care about me for a change but everyone else is a priority over me. I’m only good for what I can give and then I’m on my own again. I will admit I’m not the best when it comes to opening up about my feelings but that’s in part because in my family nobody really cares about my feelings. It’s like I’m more of an inconvenience (unless someone needs a favour) so nobody thinks to ask about how I’m doing.

I don’t even know if coming back here is a good idea but I’m running out of options and I just need to vent.

[Paula]

Hey, lovely, it’s good to see you back :). First thing, you are not broken - you are far too strong for that. That doesn’t mean that you’re not hurting, your last few weeks have been particularly hard, but that I know you’ll get through. Saying you need support and you can’t do this alone takes courage, and I’m proud of you for doing that

[Jaquaia]

Good to see you back! You're stronger than you think though

[Suzi]

Welcome home love.

Hunni, you aren't broken. You are valued and loved and cared about. Things have been tough for a while and with everything with what's going on right now is going to add to everyone's issues...
I agree, you saying you need support is huge for you and I'm so proud of you...

[Stella180]

This may sound a bit selfish but I feel it’s justified.

My sister has always run around after everyone else but doesn’t give me a second though. She was the one who helped drive a rift between me and my brother after my dad died not that she has ever accepted responsibility for her part in it. She has however been amazing in helping him and his partner out during his illness and I respect her for that. She did the same for our Mum and is so much more than I could’ve handled. I’ve now lost both parents, and my brother. Now it’s just me and her but I feel like I don’t ever exist.

My brothers partner has 4 adult children and 12 grandkids many of those old enough to be classed as adults. She is not short of support. However, my sister has practically been living with her since my brothers death because she feels lonely. Again honourable actions from my sister but what us? Her epileptic husband, who I learned last night is going to hospital this week for testing related to prostate cancer, or her children one of whom has had to deal with the death of someone else close to him shortly before my brother passed, or me as I am completely on my own and have no other family to lean on.

I might be the strong independent type but I’ve got so much going on right now and the one immediately family member I have left can’t find the time to call or pop round (considering she lives in the next street) to check up on me. I hate that everyone else is thought more important than me and even when she is told that I’m struggling I get a couple of hours of her time over a meal out and that’s it. No follow up. Nothing. I’ve felt like an outsider my whole life and that’s because I am. I just want someone to put me first for a change. To be there for me when I need someone. To just talk about what’s going on. My family have never really known who I am cos they’ve never bothered to try and understand me.

She did contact me last night. To ask if I would drive her and her hubby to the hospital appointment because she doesn’t like driving. When I told her I was self isolating due to coronavirus I got a simple “ok”. I had to push to find out why they had to go to hospital and she didn’t even think to ask if there is anything I needed. For someone so thoughtful and caring of others she does a good job of making me feel inferior.

[Suzi]

I'm not defending her, but you do come across as someone who is strong and that you just get on and deal with everything. You don't often ask anyone for help or open up to how you are feeling. Could it be that she actually doesn't realise you're struggling?

[Stella180]

Suzi you know what happened when you spelt it out for her. It’s always been the same.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry hunni... Have you asked her?

[Paula]

This is why I’m so glad you’ve come back to the family who does care about you

[Paula]

How are you doing, lovely? How is Talia? Having fun with her?

[Stella180]

Talia aka snuggle pup aka super sausage is still snoring the lazy toad. Waiting to hear back from the vet about her latest blood test and see if we can confirm the cause of her issues. It’s highly likely to be hypothyroidism as the ticks a lot of the boxes. She really is the most loving dog anyone could ever ask for and I’m so lucky to have her company.

[Jaquaia]

We wouldn't have trusted anyone else with her

[Suzi]

Aww so glad you're loving having her! How is she getting on with the birds? :)

[Stella180]

I see your distraction and I’m going with it. Puppy talk is all good ;)

Just back from walking the princess. Cos there was a bit of drizzle she stopped by the car waiting to be let in. I don’t think that’s how exercise works but credit to her for the attempt to get out of it.

As for the birds she usually ignores them but on occasion tries chasing them when they are out which I funny cos her being about a foot and half tall and the birds flying around a further 5ft higher.

[Suzi]

That's hilarious that she's trying to get into the car lol Her trying to catch the birds sounds so funny!

[OldMike]

I'm glad Talia and you are getting on okay pets can be a real comfort at times.

[Paula]

(giggle)

[Stella180]

I'm glad Talia and you are getting on okay pets can be a real comfort at times.

Hey Mike, how ya doin? Yeah, she is a great comfort and I feel so privileged to have her for company. My days of peeing alone are well and truly a thing of the past lol

[Suzi]

Peeing alone is overrated.... ;)

[Stella180]

Got my benefits paid today which is a huge relief. I’d wiped out my savings account so now I can start building it back up a bit. I try to have a few quid put aside in case of emergency. I’m hoping no more testing needed with the vet, fingers crossed and I can start building my savings back up again. Feels good putting money in the account instead of taking it out.

I’m gonna have myself an early night and find some random audiobook to dose off listening too. G’nite peeps.

[Suzi]

Glad you've had that through. Every positive huh?

[Stella180]

Got a call from the vet at lunchtime. Talia’s test results confirm an under active thyroid so been to pick up her first month’s worth of medication. Gotta go back in 3 weeks for bloods again. I’m just glad we found the problem and can treat it. I’ve already fallen in love with that crazy mutt so it’s gonna be good to see the improvements as time goes on.

[Paula]

Really good news! It’s treatable. (And she joins an exclusive ish club ;))

[Suzi]

YAY! That's awesome! :)

[Stella180]

Really good news! It’s treatable. (And she joins an exclusive ish club ;))

Dunno about exclusive but someone else I know who has the condition is pretty special to me too ;)

[Stella180]

YAY! That's awesome! :)

Not sure I’d go with awesome but I now have a pill popping buddy.

[Suzi]

It is awesome. It's treatable and nothing sinister...


How are you today?

[Stella180]

Talia woke me up this morning. I got up went to the toilet came back to the bedroom to get dressed and by that time she was back to her sleep beautiful impersonation. Starting to worry about everything being closed today. Living on my own with virtually no human contact is one thing when you choose to live that was but even I need to get out of the house for my sanity to go get something to eat or see if the local shop has anything interesting in. Now these small freedoms have been taken away and it sucks. All the times I’ve been told to get out of the house and do stuff for my own well-being and the aid with my mental health and now I’m being forced to do the opposite. It’s one thing being locked up with your family for company and society in general I think needs this, not just cos of the virus but for family bonding, but for those of us who have no one it’s harder than you could imagine.

[Suzi]

I know it's tough, but you still can do things like take Talia for a walk, you have your garden - I know it's not the same, but right now it's going to take everyone to be ultra careful to stop this thing...
You can still have some contact with people, just not in a pub, club, sporting or leisure setting. You can still talk to people online/skype/whatsapp/facetime etc I know it's going to be really hard, especially as you've just discovered social events that you enjoy and love like Aspies, but you will get through this....

[Paula]

Have you thought about using Zoom to keep up with the other aspies?

[Stella180]

We’ve got a messenger group and discord. I know one friend in particular is struggling really bad and for many having this disruption to their routine is difficult. Yeah I’m a bit peeved and Aspie has been such a positive influence on me this past year but I handle things a lot better than some others there that’s for sure.

[Suzi]

At least you've got methods of being in contact with each other - I know it's not the same, but maybe all be online together when you would normally be together at aspie?

[Stella180]

It’s not quite that simple for me. I’m tempted to meet up with a couple of dog owners and go for a walk. Yes I know there is risk but we can still keep our distance while out with the mutts.

[Suzi]

Why isn't it that simple to get together online?

[Stella180]

Can’t describe it. There is something about the atmosphere at Aspie that can’t be replicated.

Talia doesn’t like taking her meds so much but I think the cuddles that follow make up for it. She’s a good girl. Gonna curl up on the sofa and watch a couple of episodes of I’m Not Ok With This before me and the snuggle pup head up to bed. Saturday nights have never been so much fun.

[Suzi]

Poor Talia! She'll get used to it.. maybe in a bit of cheese?

[Jaquaia]

She'll sometimes eat the cheese and spit out the tablet. Cocktail sausages often work but only when she doesn't see you put the tablet in it. The number of times she's eaten the sausage around the tablet then spit it out...

[Paula]

Corned beef is sometimes good as you can mould it round the tablet. Or chorizo. - it’s strong smelling so covers up the smell of the tablet

[Suzi]

ROFL she's not stupid!

[Jaquaia]

She does a good impression of it sometimes! (giggle)

Corned beef has worked but again, there have been occasions where she's eaten the corned beef and spat the tablet out...

[Stella180]

She has a choice. She gets her tablet wrapped in something nice or we go back to the old fashioned tried and tested shoving the thing to the back of her mouth clamping her jaws and massaging her throat until she swallows. I’m pretty sure the first method is best for her.

[Stella180]

Happy Mother’s Day! Huh! Yeah right. So many mothers will be kept away from there families this year but I’d like to think that most families will at least call. I won’t hold my breath waiting for a call. It’s my eldest’s 16th birthday on Tuesday and I don’t know what to do. It’s a really big deal for many reasons but this damned virus has screwed everything up. I’ve waited so long for this day and now... Don’t I get enough crap to thrown at me as it is? It really does feel like the universe is conspiring against me.

[Suzi]

I know that's how it feels, but you know rationally that's not how it is. It's bad timing, but you could still call or send his presents or something? Even drop things on the doorstep and stand back a bit so you can see him opening them?

[Stella180]

Oh come on Suzi, this is the perfect excuse for them to not open the door. As of Tuesday Robert has the legal right to live wherever he chooses and no one can stop him not that he would come home to me. He’s got so much more to be thinking about right now but I miss him and his brother so much.

[Suzi]

I can't imagine how much pain it is for you... Can you contact him and tell him that you're going to drop his presents off at x time and you'd love to see him open them standing at the door?

[Stella180]

I’ve had friends send my these dumb chain messages for Mothers Day, for all the “wonderful mother’s” and all it does is hurt. They know the score yet somehow still think sending me that crap is suitable. I know they mean well but it’s just another example of people doing what makes them feel better. I just wanna rage and tell them all to F Off and leave me the hell alone but what good will it do? The same thing will happen next year. The same way people know I don’t like unsolicited hugs and even though it makes me uncomfortable they still insist on doing it. How is that good for me? It’s obviously all about them.

I spent this morning playing around with my card making stuff. Put a few simple cards together for a few of my Aspie friends in the hope it will help to lift spirits now we are all back to hiding away from the world even though it’s for a different reason.ive got a ton of paracord kicking around the house so if anyone would like me to make you one just say. Send me your wrist circumference measurement and an address and happy to post one out to you. It keeps me occupied and you get something out of it too.

[Paula]

I doubt it’s intentional, stupid yes, thoughtless yes, but not intentional.

[Suzi]

Is the hug comment aimed at me?

Sweetheart I'm sure people just didn't think. I don't know anyone who would want to intentionally cause you pain...

[Stella180]

No it wasn’t aimed specifically at you but if the cap fits and all that ;)

I was hoping a curry and a beer might help to cheer me up. It didn’t. Watching the Horrible Histories Movie and then heading up for an early night. Try and work out what to do about my lads birthday.

[Suzi]

We're going to watch that tomorrow I think.... (bear) *hugs*

[Stella180]

So I’ve made my decision. I’m gonna head over and take his card and present tomorrow morning as I normally would. I doubt very much that I will be allowed to see him so I’m gonna write him a short note asking him to call me as my other gift plans for his birthday had to be cancelled due to this damned virus and I wanna explain what will happen once this lockdown is over and normal business resumes.

[Suzi]

I think that sounds more than sensible.

[Stella180]

So I’ve spend most of the afternoon/evening lay on the bed in tears. Even the smallest things are overwhelming. Nobody seems to understand me. Nobody trusts me. I feel like I have to tip toe around everyone in my life so as not to upset them but no one gives a damn about how I feel so why would they try to understand my I feel the way I do. I’m not like other people. At least not the majority. I guess I always knew that, and now I know why too but it doesn’t make being me any easier. I’m sick of the tears, sick of hurting, sick of being alone. I don’t know what to do.

[Paula]

Hunni, it’s a horrible time for you, with Mother’s Day and Robert’s birthday. I’m not surprised it’s hit you hard and everything else seems so much harder to deal with. I wish I could take the pain away but I can’t - all I can do is reassure you that you have people in your life who care about you and who really do give a damn about how you feel.

[Suzi]

Hope it's gone OK with R's birthday love.

Who doesn't trust you? I do... and you know you don't have to tiptoe around me or your other friends... We will always do our best to understand, but you have to tell us what's in your head as clearly as you can so that we can do that...

[Stella180]

I dropped off his card and present, with a note asking him to call me. We’ll wait and see what happens. I didn’t get to see him and didn’t ask under the circumstances. They’ve been having trouble accessing the school site which has been a pain but they have got the majority of their grocery delivery so all good there. They are kinda isolated in the small town where they live so grateful they have all the essentials.

As for what’s in my head...I’m a bit paranoid that with the battle for access going on I’m worried someone will see what I’ve posted and use it against me. I got a password change request for one of the old pet FB profiles we used years ago for playing games on the other day. Everyone from their family is blocked from accessing my posts and I think my ex has tried to get into it so they can see what’s going on. Anyway it’s safe to say that losing my brother, fighting to see my boys, Mother’s Day, birthdays, another family member in hospital, my sister thinking of herself first as usual and this lockdown and the fears surrounding being isolated for 3 months pretty much has taken its toll.

[Suzi]

I can understand that...

[Stella180]

Another example of the small things winding me up. I’m gonna lose my (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) before this weeks over.

Months ago I suggested an Aspie chat group on messenger so that members can stay in touch on the days when Aspie is closed. Some thought it was a great idea others were more worried about the number of message notifications and wanted no part of it. One was extremely vocal about this. Of course now that we can’t open this same person has set up a discord chat group and thinks he’s a genius. Yawn. Today a couple of the counsellors asked to join the group which I thought was a good idea, but they only joined to tell the members they were setting up their own group chat. I mean really!? Do we need 3 different groups for the same bunch of people? It’s just causing confusion and those who thought the idea was a bad one when I first pitched it are now all getting involved. I was ready to just remove myself from everything, the FB page, and group chat, everything. Social media and messaging service are supposed to be the saviour in times like this but all I wanna do is tell everyone to sod off and leave me alone. I’ve already deleted the FB app on my phone cos I was sick of all the false information being shared by morons stirring up panic. Maybe I’m better off riding this out on my own and steering clear of all interaction. Just me, Talia and the birds.

[Paula]

Why do you let it get to you, hun? If they want to triplicate everything and waste their time, that’s their issue, surely? Just ignore them and let them get on with it. And maybe be pleased that a seed you had sown bore fruit?

[Suzi]

You could just join the one and leave the others to it so you aren't in 3 different groups?

[Stella180]

But we’ve had a group for months and it’s been going great so who have the others sprouted up? What’s wrong with the one I set up unless I can’t be trusted to watch over it? Yeah I might be just another member but I’ve tried to do so much for the benefit of the others. More than some of the staff actually but that counts for nothing. Maybe I’m reading to much into it but it’s got me down.

[Suzi]

Why don't you ask?

It might just be that those who run aspies wanted to have an "official" group...

[Stella180]

It is an official group! I’m admin on the FB page and it was set up for members.

[Suzi]

But are they "in control" of it and what's posted? We had a similar issue with the IMPACT group, so we had to agree to not post anything related to the course, or the course materials or the meditation etc....

[Stella180]

Just had a video chat with the family mediators who have said because they still refuse to respond to calls and letters there is no point trying mediation again and waste more time and money so she is sending a certificate to the solicitor and making a court application. The solicitor needs me to get hold of a few house valuations for my legal aid application. Not sure how I can do that with the lockdown in place so that might delay things. I’m terrified of going to court and with legal aid still not confirmed at this point I could end up with a bill up to 7.5k. I should feel good about things moving on and closer to a solution but I don’t. Too many ifs and buts I need to sort out.

[Paula]

Any idea when you’ll know about legal aid?

[Stella180]

Can’t get a valuation done until lockdown is over so could be 3 weeks, or 3 months.

[Suzi]

It IS scary. Anyone would be scared in your position and you're right, the uncertainty isn't going to help at all!

[Stella180]

It’s finally happened. I’ve gone completely bat (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) crazy! After just 2 1/2 hrs sleep I woke up before the alarm and to my surprise the snuggle pup was alive at 7.30 too. When the alarm went off at 8 I was dancing around the landing with the dog singing to Asia-Heat of the Moment (yes Paula that really is my alarm tone and you’re probably the only one who gets it except it’s Friday not Tuesday. Again)

[Jaquaia]

Did she need a poo? It's the only time I've known her willingly get up before 9!!!

[Paula]

Oh be still my beating heart!!!

https://youtu.be/ByMEQ0cWRVA

[Stella180]

Did she need a poo? It's the only time I've known her willingly get up before 9!!!

She did spend most of the day asleep yesterday the lazy sausage so she had more than enough. She goes straight out the moment she gets up anyway. Didn’t check to see what she was doing.

Just watching Picard. Not really the disappointment some claimed it to be. Really enjoyed this series and look forward to the next.

[Suzi]

I've loved Picard too, but I haven't finished it so no spoilers please! :)

[Stella180]

No spoilers. I promise. I’ve found a new use for getting old and memory loss. Currently sat watching Iron Man for the first time in years and I remember very little of the film so despite having seen the film before it’s like watching it for the first time lol

In other news Talia is taking all her toys out in the garden to play while I veg with the MCU. Also a lovely lady from the local CoOp came around to collect my shopping list and payment before returning with my groceries. Staff using their own vehicles to offer a service out of kindness and I’m not usually the kind of girl who shows emotion but there was a warm lubrication of my eyes knowing that people are willing to help out anyway they can. Yes it is a little more expensive than the major supermarkets but I will be using them more often not just during this health crisis but after too. Max respect to the staff going the extra mile for their customers.

[Paula]

Oh, I’ve had that perk of getting old for years!

[Stella180]

Well I am younger that you so only just catching up ;)

[Suzi]

That's so kind of them at Coop! Definitely something to remember after all this is over.

[Stella180]

Just seen a “debate” online about swedes and turnips. I thought they were pretty much the same thing however that didn’t stop me from spending the last half hour researching them. When is this self isolation going to end? I’m going have to change my relationship status on FB to “in a relationship with Google”.

[Suzi]

So, is there a difference? I thought they were the same thing pretty much too!

[Jaquaia]

Swedes are larger with yellow flesh, turnips tend to be smaller with white flesh

[Stella180]

Indeed Jaq you clever little monkey. All I know is they are both a bitch to chop and taste great in a stew.

[Paula]

Swedes are larger with yellow flesh, turnips tend to be smaller with white flesh

Just a few days and she’s already got the hang of village life .....

[Jaquaia]

(giggle)

Have to admit I knew that already!

[Stella180]

It’s cos you got book smarts.

[Suzi]

Do I want to know why you knew that Jaq?

How you doing Stella?

[Stella180]

Thought I'd try to get my laptop out to play today. Don't use it very often cos do most things on my phone and can I find the blooming charger? I blame this new cleaner. She puts stuff in weird places and I can never find a thing. Oh well, wish me luck in my search and I might be back shortly.

Oh and yeah, I'm ok Suzi. Bit better today than I have been anyway.

[Stella180]

Panic over! Charger has been located and it wasn't the cleaners fault at all. It was still in the bag from when I last used it on CHRISTMAS DAY!!! Well I did say I don't use it often.

Ok so the past week has been difficult for a million and one reasons but this morning I do feel a bit brighter so I'll take that. I've got a fair bit of admin to do over the weekend due to the incompetence of my solicitors secretary to copy and store documents correctly. Oh well, it gives me something constructive to do and the family mediator needs the same details for Legal Aid (yes they have to apply seperately even though it's all the same case. Absolute madness).

Also going to apply for an Access Card. My CEA card has expired and needs to be renewed but decided to go with the Access Card as the range of use goes further than the cinema and acts as evidence of disability (I still hate that word) and need of support when requesting tickets or special measures. I know technically you don't need to have a card but it's easier than carrying your PiP paperwork around as evidence and yes a lot of places still ask you to prove why you need support. Plus the other bonus is the Access card works out cheaper than CEA and lsts for 3 yrs rather than just 12 months.

The snuggle pup isn't happy with me because I kicked her off the sofa. She keeps nudging my arm for cuddles while I'm trying to type so she had to go. I'm such an evil hooman. Cuddles will be resumed later. Speaking of later, I dunno if anyone is interested but thinking of getting a few folk together on messanger for one a Music Battle. Great way to battle the cabin fever and socialise which remaining isolated. Just let me know if you wanna come and play. It'll be fun.

[Paula]

Bit better today than I have been anyway.

So love that sentence!

[Suzi]

Never heard of an Access card, am just looking into it! Thanks!

So glad you are feeling better than yesterday lovely...

[Jaquaia]

Do I want to know why you knew that Jaq?


I am a well of useless knowledge (giggle)

[Suzi]

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

[Stella180]

need more players for the music battles. Looks like a regular feature during quarantine

[Stella180]

Yeah I know the clocks have gone forward - reminder for anyone who forgot, but being awake at this time of night is never a good thing. Had fun playing the music battle game with friends and ended up pouring my heart out to one of the lads in feel kinda bad about it now. He has so much to deal with himself and there’s me chatting about trivial crap. I am finding it so hard to find the right balance in life right now and not sure where I should be standing. Feel exhausted but can’t sleep. Let’s hope you don’t see me again til at least midday.


Maybe a bit random but if anyone other than staff members bother to read the crap I write please feel free to make yourself known.

[Strugglingmum]

Just saying 'Hi Stella'
I haven't been that well and appear to have lost the art of conversation. .... but yes, I'm out here. (nod)

[Suzi]

Why do you feel bad for talking to someone about how you are feeling?
Did you get some sleep?

[Stella180]

Hi strugglingmum. Just curious of whose about really.

Yes Suzi I did sleep. Workaround 8 ish but soon went back to sleep again.

[EJ]

I’m here too. I flit in and out.

[Stella180]

Hey EJ, how ya doin?

[Suzi]

How you doin'? (Said a la Joey obviously!)

[Paula]

Why do you feel bad for talking to someone about how you are feeling?

Exactly. You’d hate it if any one of us didn’t want to pour our heart out to you!

[Stella180]

Alcohol may have loosened my tongue slightly and yeah I guess you're right Paula, the thought of someone else suffering in silence would upset me but you also know that in your own head those same rules don't apply to yourself.

Had a fun night with the music battles last night with a bunch of new players from Aspie. I think they enjoyed it too. Got some random tunes playing in the background now to keep the vibe flowing. Music fixes everything right?

[Suzi]

Do I ask how much you'd had to drink? What did you say to them?

[Stella180]

I had a fair bit but I was alright. I opened up about why I hate myself and I deserve to hurt cos I’m a horrible person. All the stuff you’ve heard a million times before but it’s not something I’ve shared with my new group of friends until now. Others think I’ve actually pretty much got my (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) together, I’m the one they turn to for advice and stuff and I guess it makes me feel really vulnerable admitting that I’m just a mess with a pretty good mask in place.

I kinda hoped that getting the answers I was seeking at the end of last year would put an end to the speculation and lead to me accepting myself for who I am but instead it has only led to more questions. Yes I have an autism spectrum condition, it’s been a part of me my whole life and although it doesn’t define me it does lead to certain limitations and I have realised that some of the aims I had were unrealistic and I’ve had to reassess so many goals making them more realistic. I’ve not always liked it and in true Stella style I’ve pushed things around trying to make them fit before finally and reluctantly letting them go. That was the easy part. Now I need to know who I am. Learning about “masking” and the fact that throughout my life it became an integral part of life in order to help me to try and fit in. I literally have different personalities for different groups of people but I don’t know which one is the real me?

[Paula]

Can you try to accept that you’re human - which means you’re going to screw up but you’re also going to get things right? I mean, even I screw up sometimes ( occasionally;)).

[Suzi]

What kind of things is it giving you limitations on?

[Stella180]

I'm not sure I worded that right Suzi but what I mean is that I got really upset about not being able to do the simple things that other people do without thinking and sometimes these things are a real struggle for me. An example, doing the washing up. It might take someone else 10 mins to get it done but for me it would take 30 mins because of how I prefer to do it and my inner perfectionist means I have to check and check again that every item is spotless That the items are washed in the correct order and placed on the drying rack accordingly. When I was doing my construction skills course I had the best scores of the group because I was obcessed with accuracy but it was stated on the feed back that it took me a lot longer than it should (only because they had to give some kind of feedback that wasn't excellent or 100%)Things that to me are perfectly logical and get the job done right first time but the detail I go into isn't the same maybe as everyone else so judging myself against what others can do isn't fair on me because I'm not like everyone else. I struggle massively with executive functioning at times as you've all been aware for a long while and I need to learn not to beat myself up over that because it is just another symptom and not being able to cope with a situation in that moment is not just me being lazy or procrastinating.

So yeah, I can't compete with NTs despite thinking I was "one of them" my whole life and now I know why I didn't fit in and couldn't do stuff the way I was expected to. I wasn't a failure I was autistic.

[Suzi]

I live in a house with 3 people with Aspies, I get it....

[Stella180]

With it being Autism awareness month next month I've decided to write something which will hopefully make those who have known me a long time and think that it's impossible for me to be on the spectrum something to think about. To recognise that it's always been there but they just never put the clues together. Thats if anybody actually bothers to read it. I'm probably wasting my time but I just want people who supposedly care about me to accept that this is real and just because I don't have serious learning difficulties, a low IQ or non verbal doesn't mean I don't have it. It's mad that you am expected to prove that I have the condition despite an official diagnosis. I'm too clever, or too sociable, or too normal.

I know you probably find it amusing that I was so adament that I couldn't possibly be on the spectrum and now I'm trying to convince people that I am. I guess I'm trying to educate others who are as ignorant as I once was. It's not a bad word, it's not scary, it just explains why I am the way I am and I guess I want people to think about all the times I've said or done something wrong, and they thought I was just being difficult for the sake of it, that I wasn't. I just see things in a different way and express myself honestly. I say what I think rather than think what I say and often it's not until others react to it that I even realise it could be taken the wrong way. Oh what am I telling you guys for? You already know this and I genuinely appreciate the way you handle me. I step out of line and you call me out on it. Paula is especially good at telling me off and I love you for it :)

I need to find entertainment before I die of boredom. Sorry for boring you lot with my drivel.

[Suzi]

For what it's worth I don't think you have anything to "prove" about having or not having Aspies or anything else. I certainly don't find it amusing about you being adamant that you couldn't be on the spectrum as I remember quite how upset you got with me about it.....
I know that you see things differently and you say what you think, I know how things can be taken on either side... but that's not necessarily due to your ASD alone..

You are you, no matter what the diagnosis...
It wasn't boring at all...

[Jaquaia]

You are Stella, one of my closest friends, who just happens to have an ASD diagnosis. You are not Stella, my autistic friend. I love you no matter what, even when you're being a twat.;)

[Stella180]

No possibly not but it sure is a trait amongst many others. Wanna share your thoughts???

[Paula]

You don’t have anything to prove to me ..... and, yes, I’ll call you out if I think it’s needed, as I’d expect you to do the same for me :)

[Stella180]

I’ve sat and watched Aladdin tonight. One of my favourites but instead of making be feel good I still feel pretty flat. Time for bed I think.

[Jaquaia]

Your diagnosis hasn't made any difference to how I see you, it's a part of you but not all of you. When I told my mum about your diagnosis, her immediate response was "oh! Oh well, she's still our stella!" It explains some things but it doesn't change who you are, not to us.

You need puppy cuddles!

[Suzi]

Which version of Aladdin?

How are you this morning?

[OldMike]

Certainly not drivel and an ASD diagnosis doesn't affect who you are though it gives an insight in to how you feel and behave.

[Paula]

Which version of Aladdin?

Does it matter? They’re both awesome! (party)

[Stella180]

Certainly not drivel and an ASD diagnosis doesn't affect who you are though it gives an insight in to how you feel and behave.

YES!!! Exactly this! I want people around me to have that insight, to understand me better but they can only do that if they understand the condition. Thank you.

Suzi I was watching the animated movie cos I love it. Remember going to the cinema to watch it with a friend back in 92. IÂ’ve not seen the live action version yet but I will give it a go today and let you know what I think. IÂ’m glad you give a good review Paula. A promising start.

[Suzi]

Hey I loved both versions too! :)

How are you doing today love?

[Stella180]

Ok. It’s Tuesday and I’m determined that it’s not going to be like the past three Tuesdays. For some reason it all hits the fan on Tuesdays lately so today I’m just gonna chill with some brain dead stuff like listening to chill out tunes, and playing games on my phone. Gonna take the dog out for a drag in a bit and try and work out what to have for dinner tonight as the cupboards are getting bare. It’s really good that the local CoOp is delivering but that’s only any good if you know exactly what you want and cos I don’t know what they’ve got it’s kinda difficult. My sister is a waste of space cos I asked her to grab me a few things at the week end and she failed dramatically. Gonna try a Tesco click and collect I think. An excuse to get out of the house with limited exposure.

[Suzi]

Hope that your Tuesday is going well.... Did you manage to get a click and collect?

[Stella180]

Nothing available between now and April 20th for delivery or collection. Have tried Tesco and ASDA so far. Sainsbury’s is next on my list. It is ridiculous that something we all do every week/month has suddenly become so difficult.

[Stella180]

I give up!!! Didn’t wanna eat for the next month anyway.

[Paula]

Have you called any of them to tell them you have health issues? It takes time to get through but it was worth it for me - I get available times opened up once a week

[Suzi]

Call them lovely and tell them that you need their help.

[Stella180]

I went to Tesco to grab a couple of things to keep me going for a few days. In the past supermarkets weren’t my favourite places but EVERYTHING was different! Even trolley parking bays had moved and because I was stressed enough as it was I didn’t wanna go searching for a trolley so grabbed a basket from the hand washing gestapo at the door. This was after negotiating the miles of tape to contain the queues. It was actually really quiet in there but even so the system was flawed. I specifically took my sunflower lanyard with me so staff were aware I have hidden disabilities and maybe realise that meant that I am especially vulnerable it this time or potentially in their eyes. Well that was a waste of time. When at the till and waiting to be served the woman behind started loading her stuff onto the conveyor belt and encroaching MY space, so I move forward slightly ensuring side distance was between us all.... and got told of for stepping over the line!!!! Clearly the 12 yr old on the till didn’t understand that 2m apart doesn’t mean one standing at 1.80m and another at 2.20m is still only 40cm even if the 2m line is between them!!! I was too stressed to argue and just wanted to get out of there. While going around I was thinking about there restrictions about the items you can buy and realised that that system doesn’t work either when good people are going shopping for vulnerable neighbours and despite shopping for 2 households are still restricted to the limits of one. And what about the larger families? Those who normally buy monthly? This means more trips to the shops and added exposure. The world has officially gone mad.

[Suzi]

Sorry you struggled with it today. What about going in the special opening times for vulnerable and elderly?

[Stella180]

I couldn’t get all I wanted as I couldn’t carry it all in a basket so have to go back at some point. I might go take a look in the morning but if there’s a queue I ain’t gonna be sticking around.

[Stella180]

Been awake since 4.30am, I was convinced I heard Talia trotting around downstairs so got up to let her out. However if I bothered to turn the light on I’d have seen she was tucked up in her bed. Being the evil witch I am I made her go out anyway to make it worth my while and now I can’t get back to sleep. Probably doze off 5mins before the alarm goes off.

[Suzi]

Oh no! Did you get back to sleep?

[Paula]

Are you going to allow yourself to sleep today without feeling guilty?

[Stella180]

I will if I need too. Talia’s having a mad half hour cos I dared to leave the house before she woke up and I think she’s glad to see me. I’ve been to get the heavy stuff from Tesco that I couldn’t carry last night and called out a rude staff member that when an elderly gentleman was confused by the slalom queueing system (where there was no one queue) instead of letting him in made him walk around and some cheeky buggers without trolleys ducked under the tape to get in first, not only that but rudely said “we can’t make it any more obvious!” We’ll that got my back up so when I got to the door I had a word with her and told her actually Yes, they could make it more obvious and explained how. She started making excuses and arguing with me and I just stopped her and said “I’m not arguing with you, I’m telling you that the system is flawed and humiliating vulnerable customers is not on” I understand the staff are under a lot of pressure right now but that’s no excuse to be as rude as she was.

[Suzi]

It's good of you to stick up for someone who may not have been able to do it themselves...
Did you get what you wanted to?

[Stella180]

Yep, it was mainly drinks and canned stuff. I’ve got enough to feed myself for the next week or so.

[Suzi]

Good! :)

[Stella180]

Bath time with waterproof speaker and lots of Pink and Linking Park! I was a little envious of Jaq posting about her bubble bath so a thought I’d copy her. It’s been a couple of months since I last had a nice long soak. Don’t worry I have showered since then lol. It probably sounds daft but even though I prefer a bath to a shower it somehow feels like too much effort when I’m not feeling great. Yes, putting the plug in and turning two taps is considered hard work. I wonder why? I shouldn’t really ask that question cos trying to find logic in an illogical mind altering illness is a pointless exercise.

[Suzi]

I think it comes down to it being a treat, rather than a quick shower itms?

[Jaquaia]

I get it. Up until Monday night, it's been J who has run me a bath as I just couldn't be bothered. He's on nights though so had to do it myself this week!

[Stella180]

I’ve not done a lot today but no napping despite my lack of sleep. Don’t even feel tired. I’m sure it’ll catch up with me eventually. Had some giggles with an elderly friend in the states about coronavirus. She’s isolated on 2.5 acres in the Southern California desert with her dogs. Hard life eh? Wondering if I should cook or get takeaway? Not really that hungry as I had a late lunch cos I stuck a ready meal in the microwave to cook and then forgot about it for a couple of hours. Doh! I suppose I can afford to skip a meal without wasting away. I feel like all I’ve done since this lockdown is eat. Maybe I should just take my meds early and go lay on the bed and read. That usually sends me to sleep sooner rather than later.

[Suzi]

Hope you get some sleep lovely xx

[Paula]

Hope you’re sleeping, see you tomorrow :)

[Stella180]

Hmmmm, no still awake. Thinking about tomorrow and if something I do will get the response I hope for. I’m probably going to be disappointed.

[Suzi]

Why automatically think in the negative?

Is this about your FB post?

[Stella180]

Yeah. I know the people who are gonna be fine with it, it’s more the people I want to see and take notice. Family mostly. I’ve tried to give them a lightbulb moment by pointing out the glaringly obvious and the connection to my diagnosis. I didn’t seek the Dx as another excuse not to work, or the cover bad behaviour, I don’t want special treatment I just want to be understood. I’m appealing to the people who I really shouldn’t have to explain myself to yet in my world that’s exactly what I have to do. It’ll probably go in one ear and out the other and be a total waste of time and effort but at least I’ve tried.

[Suzi]

I think you've done well tbh....

[Stella180]

Thanks Suzi, fingers crossed eh.

I’ve only gone and done it again! Put a microwave curry in around 12 o’clock and forgot about it. Got carried away making paracord bracelets and keyrings for people at Aspie and forgot about lunch. Reheated it a second time and sitting down to eat it now. I really can be useless. Doh!

Had a nice surprise this morning what I received a call from my “adopted” mother. Me thinks someone’s been telling tales Jaq lol. She’s armed with the tv remote so all is good. Was nice to hear the voice of another human being even if they do talk funny up that end of the world.

[Suzi]

That's great that you're keeping busy and that you're having contact with others..

[Stella180]

Well only one family member has acknowledged my FB post, a cousin way up north and she has a son on the spectrum. Oh well, I tried. At least those in the know appreciated it. I’ll just continue to be invisible to everyone else. Why the hell should I care what they think anyway?

[Jaquaia]

Had a nice surprise this morning what I received a call from my “adopted” mother. Me thinks someone’s been telling tales Jaq lol. She’s armed with the tv remote so all is good. Was nice to hear the voice of another human being even if they do talk funny up that end of the world.

(angel)

She's always armed with the tv remote! Everytime my dad gets it he asks her to teach him how to use it! (rofl)

[Stella180]

Your mum is ace. Nutty as a fruit cake but still ace. Lovely lady.

[Suzi]

Well only one family member has acknowledged my FB post, a cousin way up north and she has a son on the spectrum. Oh well, I tried. At least those in the know appreciated it. I’ll just continue to be invisible to everyone else. Why the hell should I care what they think anyway?
Just because they haven't commented doesn't mean that they haven't read it and are trying to digest the info...

[Stella180]

Im not hopeful. :(

[Suzi]

I know, you seem to be expecting negatives a lot atm....

[Stella180]

Don’t I always? Expect the worst and anything else is a bonus. My sister isn’t exactly the brightest spark but the things she has said since I told her about the diagnosis have really hurt me. Initially her response was “oh well, now you know you can do something about it”. The day before our brother’s funeral she’s talking about his partners 17 yr old granddaughter who is also on the spectrum (her mum recognised me from visiting Aspie) and how she didn’t know if the lass would come to the funeral despite wanting too because “you know what THEY can be like”. I’m not sure which hurt more. The fact she referred to people or the spectrum like we’re a whole other species, or that she clearly doesn’t accept that I am one of “them”. That is what sparked me to post something to make her and other family members who also dismiss the dx (my aunt doesn’t believe it’s a real condition but an excuse for bad behaviour) that this is a real thing and I don’t want to have to pretend anymore to be someone I’m not. I want them to understand me and who I really am. I want them to have that lightbulb moment and realise that everything fits. That the problem isn’t me, it’s their perception of me that is wrong.

As you predicted Suzi, so many things from my past, have started to make sense now I know and I want the people I care about and who I thought cared about me to look at situations past and present with the new knowledge they have and experience those aha moments too instead of dismissing it.

[Suzi]

Hunni, sometimes people are just not able to understand things that they can't see.... All we can do is keep on chipping away with the right messages and hope that they listen and understand eventually.... However for every one who doesn't, there will be far more who do listen and do learn...

[Stella180]

But she’s me sister! She’s the only immediate family I have left. I’ve always felt like a stranger to my family, an outsider, like I didn’t belong. That has to change and she’s the last chance.

[Suzi]

Then have you tried telling her exactly that?

[Stella180]

How? It’s not an easy conversation to have.

[Stella180]

Woohoo! Just checked my emails and Sainsbury’s has recognised me as a priority for delivery. Finally, I might actually get myself sorted on the grocery front.

[Stella180]

Just spent the best part of an hour on the phone to an old friend who is in lockdown due to health conditions despite being a midwife. She also shared some disturbing news regarding to the coronavirus situation locally which I wouldn’t be surprised it it spread nationwide. I’m not in the habit of spreading rumour but at the same time I advise everyone to be strict about lockdown and not to take any risks. This is a serious issue and only adherence to the rules will help us beat this.

Anyway it was nice to hear a friendly voice and has encouraged me to reach out to other friends struggling with isolation. We may not be able to meet in person but with technology we have no excuse to reach out to those who may be alone.

[Stella180]

Just took Talia around the block off the lead for the first time ever. Apart from an incident with a fox she was a very good girl. Still wouldn’t trust her when more people are around but it was still a positive first attempt. She’s earned herself extra cuddles for sure.

[Suzi]

Glad you've got the Sainsbury's email, I had one too.
So glad you heard from your friend, but I'm intrigued as to what happened with the fox....

[Stella180]

Simple enough, she saw a fox and gave chase down someone’s driveway. Other than that she was very good but wouldn’t trust her normally off the lead. It was only cos it was late at night I risked it.

[Paula]

Did you get any sleep?

[Stella180]

Not really. Was up all night. I’m absolutely shattered.

[Suzi]

Do you know why aren't sleeping?

[Stella180]

I got a few hours in this afternoon. Dunno why I’m having a few dodgy nights but it happens every now and again. I’ve managed to get a grocery order online from ASDA but no delivery til a week on Thursday. Just have to get the basics from CoOp in the meantime.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a sensible move with the shopping love. Hope tonight is a bit better re sleeping...

[Stella180]

Received news last night that my cousin in London who contracted Covid 19 has passed away. A friend is really struggling mentally, another friend has called me 3 times already today the dog has drooled all over the sofa, the house is a tip, and I am digging deep to stay sane.

[Paula]

Oh love, I’m so sorry (panda)

One thing at a time - the house can wait, but you need to prioritise yourself so can’t be having several people lean on you. I know it sounds harsh but you’re dealing with shock and grief, take care of yourself and everyone else will have to either rely on themselves for a while or turn to someone else

[Angie]

I'm sorry to hear that Stella (bear)

[Stella180]

You know me by now, I’m the least important person in any equation.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry about your cousin...
First things first, you need to let yourself grieve love... Then you can tackle the other things. Maybe ask the friends who are leaning on you to take a step back just for a few days, make a start on having a shower, then start washing up etc but bit by bit....

[Stella180]

It’s not like we were especially close or anything but growing up I spent so many school holidays down south with them. Since the issues with the family after my dad died it made my brothers funeral awkward but the moment I walked in he was so nice to me, even said he was looking forward to seeing me as it had been so long and he’d missed me. Quite possibly bs but still it was nice that he took the effort to try and make the day a bit easier by being so kind. We even discussed the whole Covid 19 thing as it was still new to this country at that point and had the opinion that is you get it you get it. Yes he was high risk as a diabetic and due to previous experimental medical procedures 30 yrs ago he found out after a stroke before Christmas that part of his brain was literally dead due to arteries being thinned and limited blood flow. I think in a way the fact that he was still going, all things considered, he didn’t think a mutated flu bug would take him down. Is death has brought this whole issue so close to home and is so much scarier as a result. I’d been keeping myself calm by looking at the stats in a positive way and that common sense will prevail but when something bad happens to someone you know it becomes personal. Since October I’ve lost an uncle brother and a cousin. In a way I kinda wish I was next so I don’t have to deal with anymore loss.

[Suzi]

You've been through a lot love.. I bet you are nearing yourself up and not being kind to you either.....

[Stella180]

Who me!? Never lol

[magie06]

Can you try to get some rest tonight and try to sort things out in your head tomorrow?

[Suzi]

Maybe you need to be trying to be kind to you?

[Stella180]

I knocked up a paracord key ring for a friend in him football teams colours, had an hour long video chat with some of the Aspie crew and indulged heavily in Marvel movies this evening. Swooning over Thor as I type this. So yeah, I have been doing my best to just chill out but body and mind don’t always sit on the same page. Maybe you’re right Magie and I should try and get some sleep now and worry about stuff tomorrow.

[Paula]

You’ve suffered a lot of grief recently - whether your cousin was especially close or not, he was family and it still hurts. I know your instinct is to do as many things as possible to distract, but if you push yourself too far you will crash. Please try to take it easy over the next few days, make sure you take a Talia out for her daily walks and get some fresh air, and try to eat sensibly

[Jaquaia]

So sorry about your cousin but you need to look after yourself. Lots and lots of Talia hugs too

[Stella180]

I’m getting my fair share of puppy cuddles thanks to your beautiful pupster.

[Jaquaia]

She has zero concept of personal space but sometimes that's what you need with her

[Stella180]

I feel like ventriloquist and she’s my dummy. Lol

[Suzi]

Did you get any sleep?

[Stella180]

Til about 2.15am and then it was on and off til just after 7am. Closest thing to exercise has been walking to the post box. Spent the morning making cards and a couple of paracord bracelet and keyring sets while watching Captain Marvel. If and when Aspie reopens we’re thinking of making some stuff that we can sell at craft fairs. Just getting a head start and keeping myself occupied.

[Paula]

I get the feeling that we’re soon going to be banned from any exercise - could you try and get out with Talia for just 10 minutes a day, while you still can?

[Stella180]

Yeah I’ll take her out in a bit. She’s been out playing in the garden most the morning and now snoring on the sofa next to me. I’m just enjoying being snuggled up with her.

[Suzi]

It's great you have her to snuggle up with, but I agree with Paula, getting out while you still can seems like a good idea...Love that you're crafting too!

[Stella180]

The whole thing is a bad joke. I already feel like a prisoner. 16 months since I last spent any meaningful time with my kids but we can put the legal case on hold for another 3 months if that letter drops on the mat cos I can’t get the information legal aid require, and I can’t attend court anyway. The support groups I was attending have gone out the window, no cleaner or gardener so I’ve lost my practical support too, but hey I shouldn’t moan, I get my groceries delivered to the door...if you don’t mind waiting a fortnight. THIS IS HELL!!! I’m trying to be all the right things but I am not OK!

[Suzi]

I know things are different, and I know that you are struggling, but you can do this. I know it's really, really hard. You can still have some support with video chats etc... I know they aren't the same, but maybe it'll do for now?

[Paula]

You’re right, this is hell. All of it is complete and utter (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). But it will pass, you will get that court date, you will get back to the support groups. We will all get through this, together.

[magie06]

The others are right. Most of us are finding this very difficult atm. But talking here helps. The days are very long, and the nights can be too, but please tell us what is the (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)test part of the day.

[Stella180]

but please tell us what is the (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)test part of the day.

Usually just the part from when I wake until I go to sleep:(

[Suzi]

Usually just the part from when I wake until I go to sleep:(

That's really dismissive. Not all of the day is that bad - What about other things that ARE positive - talking to friends, playing with Talia etc?

[Stella180]

Everything is an effort at the moment. Talia’s company obviously helps but I don’t really have the energy to do much but have to do something to try and break the boredom.

[Suzi]

I have a link with loads of ideas of things to do indoors which might help, I'll add them to the corona thread...

[Stella180]

Managed to get showered and dressed and sneak out to Tesco for some fresh fruit and veg and something nice to drink. oh and maybe a few treats like a big fat trifle and a few cans of different craft beers to try. I love some of the names or these beers and instead of just giggling at them in the beer aisle I thought I’d try some.

[Suzi]

Are you drinking more than normal atm? Are you taking care of you at all?

[Stella180]

The beers were 3 for £5, don’t thing I’ll be getting wasted on that. Plan is one a night. Looking forward to trying the one called ‘Dark Arts’. Tomorrow nights delight is ‘Sour Solstice’. I have been drinking more and last couple of months. The day of my brothers funeral I got wrecked. Anything to try and subdue the pain and I have been going a bit too crazy maybe once a week but not every week. I’ve decided it needs to stop. One beer with my dinner for a couple of nights is a bit different to necking back a ton to get ratted.

[Suzi]

Absolutely. I'm glad you're going to calm it down lovely xxx

[Stella180]

Thought as the weather was good and the ground is a bit drier I’d take the dog for a wander around the local woods. Originally didn’t see many people but as I got a bit closer to the countryside centre people started coming from nowhere. Not loads but enough for my anxiety to spike. All these years anxiety has told me people are bad, stay away and now it is confirmed my fight or flight system has been preparing me for the Covid 19 pandemic. Talia was really excitable and full of energy but 30 mins later she’s a bit calmer. She’s definitely lost a bit of weight cos I’d been just hooking the lead to her collar recently but as she was a bit excited I got the harness out and had to tighten it up quite a bit. Suppose I better start making my way back. Hopefully the snuggle pups energy is all used up by the time we get home and I can have a chill out too.

[Jaquaia]

She's doing brilliantly with you. Send that video to my mum on whatsapp, she'll love it.

Knew we'd made the right decision ;)

[Suzi]

Well done lovely.

[Paula]

So proud of you :)

[Stella180]

For walking the dog? Nothing to be proud of. It’s Talia you should be proud of. We covered 2.25 miles which is the furthest she’s ever gone with me and even on the field near my house she was still running around off the lead. The first week I got her she was knackered after about a third of that distance. It was really nice to see her enjoying herself off the lead and playing fetch with her ball and chasing butterflies.

However I am absolute shattered and we stopped half way to just sit and enjoy the surroundings. Been chatting a lot about where I grew up the past couple of days and realised just how much I miss heading out to the middle of nowhere with just nature for company. I’m fortunate enough to have the woods around me and although it’s not the same as country lanes farms and canals I’m still pretty lucky to have nice surrounding even is I do live on a council estate.

[Suzi]

Well done Talia! That's amazing!!!
I miss living 10 mins away from the New Forest at times....

[Stella180]

I literally live in the middle of Perry Wood. It’s a lot smaller than the New Forest lol but it’s better than nothing and a little further across the estate is the Worcester Woods and Countryside Centre with a couple of trails to follow and normally attracts a lot more people. A couple of miles down the road we have Warndon Woods too. Kinda spoilt for woodland walks around here.

[Paula]

For walking the dog? Nothing to be proud of.

Of course there is!

[Stella180]

Feel free to explain Paula. It’s something I do every day, ok it’s mostly a 10-15 min wander not an hour long trek but still nothing to be proud of.

[Paula]

That even when you’re struggling, you’re doing this :)

[Suzi]

I think it is too. You're doing this, putting her needs first and really working past how you might be feeling...

[Stella180]

I’m not just doing it for her but for her real family. In my head she’ll never be mine. I’m just the caretaker, helping out some good friends and as a reward I get her company. I look forward to this lockdown to be lifted so I can take her back home for a visit. Don’t get me wrong, I love this dumb mutt with all my heart. She is so sweet and loving and I couldn’t ask for a better house mate. There are no words to describe how I feel about being trusted to take care of such a precious pup and faith put in me. I was terrified about taking her on cos I genuine don’t believe that I am worthy and I’m terrified of letting everyone down. I’ve barely had her 2 months and still scared that I won’t live up the expectation. I don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to looking after other living being, human or animal and I can’t even look after myself properly. I think it’s time I went to bed.

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Jaquaia]

Right missus, and don't argue either.

You did what was best for Max, you put his needs first despite how painful it was for you, so I knew you would always put Talia's needs first.

She loves you, and you love her. I've seen that everytime you visited. So has my mum. I was avoiding sorting something out for Talia out of guilt, it was my mum who asked me to ask you and she's generally a good judge of character, so there!

Since Talia has been with you she's thriving. She's getting regular walks, lots of love and attention and she's happy and thriving. My area sent my anxiety sky-rocketing so I avoided it. With you she's going out everyday, losing weight and looking in brilliant condition. You've got her thyroid sorted, I didn't even think about another cause for her weight as the vet never even suggested another possible cause. You're doing a brilliant job with her, as I knew you would, and I think she's benefitting you too. Have I mentioned she's thriving?

[Suzi]

Well said Jaq! She's obviously happy and loving you an loving living with you...

[Stella180]

How are you doing?

Fed watered and medicated. Feeling completely exhausted. No energy for anything and just wanna sleep.

[Suzi]

So what are you doing this afternoon?

[Stella180]

Sleeping

[Suzi]

Is that because you didn't sleep last night?

[Stella180]

No I slept fine last night or so I thought. Still feel tired now but had my dinner and watching a bit of tv and I’ll be heading back up to bed again. I feel so drained it’s unreal and rest is being forced upon me.

[Suzi]

Are you taking care of you at all?

[Stella180]

I’ve managed two meals today in between sleeping. Just had a video chat with a mate and spent most of the time yarning to heading back up to bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

[Suzi]

Your card made me smile today, thank you. It was such a lovely thing to have in the post! So that's something else you've done today if it helps...

[Stella180]

Glad it had to intended affect. Sent out a load of cards to hopefully lift spirits slightly during these difficult times. Who doesn’t like to get a surprise in the post?

[Jaquaia]

It definitely made me smile!

[Paula]

Me too! It’s next to my chair in the lounge and makes me grin every time I look at it ;)

[Suzi]

See you've brightened our days!

[Stella180]

I also had a good response from the Aspie crew I sent the cards to. We can’t do a lot at this time but I wanted to connect the old fashioned way. It kept me occupied to knock up a batch of cards and remind friends I am thinking of them. I woke up this morning so a message from a counsellor at Aspie who has been making masks and wants to send me one which is really nice. Despite another 7 hrs sleep I still feel tired. Really don’t understand why.

[Suzi]

Why were you up and posting at 5:15? I thought it was only me up at that time!

It's a lovely thing to have done x

[Stella180]

Woke up just before 5am. I did spend most of the day asleep yesterday and was spark out by about 10 last night. Although I seem to be done sleeping I’m still feeling drained of energy. Tried to take her ladyship for a walk through the woods this morning but I didn’t get far before giving up. The woods nearest me are on a steep incline and I thought it would be good to build up Talia’s muscles but my lungs were in worst shape. We were only out for about 15-20 mins and I felt like the walking dead. Took the bins out and even that was hard work. I’ve got a bloke coming round later to look at the garden and try and tame it a bit. Grass is past ankle high out the back so desperately needs cutting. And the brambles are taking over.

[Suzi]

The pictures from the walk this morning look lovely! Well done for getting out!
Is your asthma bad? Is that due to the high pollen count?

Hope the gardener comes and wants to take on your garden!

[Stella180]

He’s just been and agreed terms so he’s starting next week. Yeah it’s my asthma playing up, when the seasons change my chest starts to play up. Feeling a bit tight and it’s most probably down to allergies as I’ve been struggling on and off for about a month now. Need to dig out my antihistamines I think.

[Suzi]

YAY for gardener!

Are you taking your inhalers properly?

[Stella180]

I’m out of salbutamol. Not used it since changing to Fostair at my asthma has improved a great deal. I can’t remember when I last used my salbutamol inhaler and the ones I have here are expired. I need to put an order in for meds so I’ll get another put in.

[Suzi]

Hunni, you really do need to do that asap....

[Stella180]

It’s just a bit of discomfort. I’m fine. With the Fostair if I get bad I can actually increase my dose up to 4 times my current amount which is why I’ve not bothered renewing my salbutamol before now but it doesn’t hurt to have one in the house just in case.

[Paula]

A bit of discomfort is never a good thing with asthma ....

[Stella180]

A little short of breathe and a slightly tight feeling in my chest. It's fine I promise. I've been down this road many times before. I know my body.

[Paula]

Stubborn wotsit....

[Stella180]

You've known me how long and have only just figured that out? lol Tonight I will be mostly eating takeaway and playing the music battles on messenger. If anyone want to join in just say the word

[Suzi]

Sorry lovely, logged out early last night, so I didn't see this. Hope you had a good night love..

[Stella180]

Yeah it was alright. I gave up around 10.30 cos I was shattered. There was a lot of rock played last night.

[Suzi]

Lol, did you sleep?

[Stella180]

Yeah I slept fine. Not having a great day though. Have only just dragged myself out of bed. Need to feed water and clean out the birds but apart from that I have no plans for the rest of the day except to veg out listening to tunes and watching crap on tv

[Paula]

How does Talia get on with the birds?

[Stella180]

She doesnt even notice them most of the time but when they are out sometimes she tries to chase them not realising they their superiority in the air means she will never reach them

[Suzi]

Lol! Were you able to get up to let her out this morning?

[Stella180]

oh yeah talia was up and out for a pee but soon came back up to bed with me.

[Suzi]

So no matter how bad you are feeling today you still put her needs first...