When is it gonna be my turn?

[Stella180]

Your Dad had great taste in beverages.

[Suzi]

My Dad was awesome. Thank you for bringing back some silly memories... Seriously, thank you x

[Stella180]

Talia was out a little longer then usual for her last wee of the night last night. I tried calling her but she wouldn’t come. Eventually she come back in with a blooded nose. Clearly there was an intruder of some sort in the garden and she got in a tangle with it. She seems ok this morning so not majorly worried. It’s an excuse for extra cuddles though

[Suzi]

Aww, or had she been digging somewhere trying to get out again?

[Jaquaia]

That girl knows what side her bread is buttered!

[Stella180]

Oh no there was some thing prowling last night was the other dogs in street were acting up. Something has been pooping in my front garden too recently.

[Paula]

Aww poor baby :(

[Paula]

Oh no there was some thing prowling last night was the other dogs in street were acting up. Something has been pooping in my front garden too recently.

I may have found the answer (https://www.crocus.co.uk/product/_/silent-roar-lion-manure/classid.2000004185/)

Though you may want to read this first (rofl) (https://www.ft.com/content/dd72394c-d45d-11e7-a303-9060cb1e5f44)

[Stella180]

Oooooh Lion poo! We get a lot of foxes around here. There have even been deer spotted nearby on a housing estate! Hedgehogs, squirrels as well as the local cats. It is a great place for nature.

[Suzi]

We have foxes, they jump over next door and get into our garden. It's a nightmare as Crash gets disturbed! Oh and herons. Bloody herons.

[Stella180]

The foxes around here are so brazen they casually walk along the middle of the road without a care in the world.

[Paula]

To be fair, they were there first ;)

[Stella180]

Oh absolutely. I love it. The joy of living by a nature reserve.

[Suzi]

I don't mind them - just wish that if the heron is going to eat my fish, that they actually eat them not just pick at them and cause them suffering...

[Stella180]

Suzi I’m laying the blame entirely at your door on this one.

I’ve spent the morning listening to show tunes and now sitting down to watch Hairspray. I’ve got to admit I’m actually feeling pretty upbeat so far today. Cleaners have been and gone and I’m thinking of ordering something nice to eat for lunch.

[Suzi]

Willing to accept the blame completely!

[Stella180]

Good cos it’s all your fault lol it’s been a good day. Lots of cuddles from Talia, a take away carvery, and fun music to make me smile.

[Suzi]

Fantastic! Glad to have helped!

[Stella180]

I’m sorry folks but I have to share this. Easily the strangest job title I’ve ever come across. Watching a bit of Nat Geo. this evening and this guy introduces himself as a “cheetah copulation manager”. Yep you read it right. Could you imagine meeting this guy in a bar and casually ask “so what do you do for a living?” and instantly regret it.

[Flo]

(rofl)(rofl)...so he manages cheetah bonking??......personally, if I was him I'd lie!

[Suzi]

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl) That's a hilarious job title!

How are you doing love?

[Stella180]

Trying to organise my notes ready for this afternoon. I don’t know if I wall get much of a chance to state my case entirely but I’m going to give it my best shot.

[Suzi]

That's all you can do. With you in spirit.

[Paula]

Thinking of you today x

[Stella180]

Bed has arrived so need to take that up the stairs in a bit. Talia is being a snuggle pup and the birds are being really noisy so this call is going to be interesting this afternoon.

[Suzi]

Can you take the call away from the birds?

[Stella180]

I could but I won’t I’ve decided I want to use my desk and I m not moving. They’re resting now so let’s hope they stay quiet for a while. Every time I sit down the dog is there. Maybe she knows I’m a bit edgy and trying to comfort me.

[Jaquaia]

She probably is. She really is the most amazing pup

[Strugglingmum]

Hope all goes well.

[Stella180]

She probably is. She really is the most amazing pup

You’re not kidding. Love that girl to bits.

[Suzi]

Hope it's going well, I'm thinking of you love

[Angie]

Hope it went well, have been and still am thinking about you

[Stella180]

Thanks Angie, done what I can, just have to wait for a result.

[Angie]

That is all you can do. You have tried and done your best.

[Stella180]

Yeah it’s not going to be easy but I have all of you to help me through.

[Suzi]

Never a truer word said....

[Angie]

You do have us all, as I have previously said I know I don't say alot right now but I do read and I do think about you.

[Paula]

Yeah it’s not going to be easy but I have all of you to help me through.

With you through it all, hunni

[Stella180]

Just off the phone with my sister who asked how it went. She's also a bit worried that a person who has never met or spoken to me, the school counsellor. could be the difference in this case.

[Suzi]

Don't automatically think the worst...

[Stella180]

It’s hard not to.

[Suzi]

I know, but try?

[Stella180]

I’m trying. Very trying.

[Mira]

I tend to think you are a smart clever woman that knows how the world works. I know how it can be with thinking the worst. But never has it involved something so important. There is nothing you can do right now about it. So keep in mind how much love you have. All of us are rooting for you and we all have our problems. But I never met a group with a better sense of reading people and knowing there heart as the people here on this forum.

And we all think the world of you!

[Suzi]

He's not wrong you know ;)

[Stella180]

Mira you’re so sweet. Will you marry me? Lol

[Stella180]

I’ve spent the morning moving beds and mattresses around again and my home is looking less like a bed warehouse. The beds themselves are light enough but the mattresses are hell to move on your own but it’s done for now. I’ve decided that at some point I want to swap the bed in my room for the one I’ve just put in the spare room cos I think I wanna go back to a divan but that’s a job for another day. Now I’m gonna try and do a bit of reading and chill out. Keeping myself busy may have been good for my mind but not so good for my body.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you're going to rest a bit love....

[Mira]

I dont know if I am marriage materiaal thb.

Hope the rest was good for you.

[Stella180]

Awww, I bet you would make someone a lovely husband. I have no doubt.

I’ve spent most of the afternoon watching football and darts and having a little flutter. At 50p a time I’m never gonna hit a bit win but it’s a bit of fun.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you today?

[Stella180]

Tired. Was still awake at 3,30 am and delivery guy wake me at 8am

[Paula]

So what are you planning on doing today. Rest?

[Stella180]

Sleep would be nice lol

[Suzi]

Why were you awake at 330?

[Stella180]

Couldn’t sleep. Of course I’m now knackered. I managed to load the washing machine before coming back to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open now. The headboard for the spare bed arrived this morning but I’m not going to be scrambling around today to fit that. Everything can wait.

[Suzi]

Fair enough love, just don't sleep too much now so you don't sleep tonight hunni..

[Stella180]

Every time I dosed off someone or something disturbed me so I gave up trying to sleep. It’s meant today has felt like a very long day. Just watching a bit of tv before heading up for a shower and calling it a night.

[Paula]

Sounds like a plan. Thanks for your help earlier....

[Stella180]

I could be miles off but just an idea. Let me know how you get on.

[Paula]

Will do

[Suzi]

Sounds like a good plan to get some sleep lovely x

[Stella180]

Argh!!! Bloody DWP! Just received a text saying I may need to attend a consultation. So many mixed messages and I don’t know what is going on.

[Strugglingmum]

Bugger!!

[Suzi]

FFS!!

[Stella180]

First I got a letter during lockdown saying award extended to Apr ‘21, then they send me the paperwork to complete which I did and sent off, recently I got another letter stating award extended til Jun ‘21, and today I’m told I’ll need to have a consultation. I genuinely have no clue what the hell is going on anymore.

[Suzi]

I don't think they know either right now.

[Strugglingmum]

It's like my PIP. Hope it all just settles down.
If everyone is working from home could be some crossed communication somewhere. I also think reviews are automatically computer generated so could be that too.

[Paula]

You have to be kidding! Give them a call, love, and find out what they actually want from you

[Stella180]

Like I don’t have enough going on right now as it is.

[Suzi]

I know love....

[Flo]

If it's anything to do with the council, it's usually a case of the left hand doesn't know what the right hand's doing! Nothing's ever straightforward is it?

[Stella180]

It’s regarding my PiP benefit Flo. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

[Stella180]

I bought a three cheese bloomer from Tesco and OMG it is amazing. I’ll be spoiling myself to another loaf next week.

[Flo]

It’s regarding my PiP benefit Flo. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.What a bl**dy nuisance!


I bought a three cheese bloomer from Tesco and OMG it is amazing. I’ll be spoiling myself to another loaf next week.They're amazing aren't they? Especially with half a pound of butter!!

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

I bought a three cheese bloomer from Tesco and OMG it is amazing. I’ll be spoiling myself to another loaf next week.

Oooo my goodness. Bread.... my total weakness, especially with cheese!!

[Stella180]

Morning love, how are you today?

Not brilliant, however I picked up a sideboard for free on the Nextdoor app and it’s just been delivered. That will give me something to do. I have a plan for what I’m going to do so we’ll see if it works out.

[Suzi]

OO you revamping it?

[Stella180]

Not getting a revamp now but maybe in the future.

[Suzi]

Looks fab! :)

[Paula]

It’s lovely!

[Stella180]

If a sucker for something for nothing. I just had to pay the delivery guy. The idea is to get rid of the large unit I have it the living room and replace with a smaller side board which I now have, and a display unit and once the huge monstrosity is gone I can think about getting a new suite.

[Suzi]

I love that you're working on making your house a home...

[Mira]

Your home is your palace. And making sure its the way you want can make it more yours and make it feel good.

Even when I am down but my house is clean and orginized it does not make me happy but it does not add to the stress. (damn my English is bad today haha)

[Stella180]

Your English is better than mine dude lol. All the work you put into your house I’d have thought you would love your home. Mine is an absolute tip. It needs completely redecorating and it’s a lot of work which I don’t have the money or the ability to get it done. I have doors that need replacing and all sorts of stuff.

[Mira]

Thanks :)

I do love my home. But a lot of times it can bring more stress. But if its not that its something else.

Just start with small things. We all can do way more then we think. And a tip? That I dont believe.

[Stella180]

All I’d eaten all day was a slice of bread so I’ve ordered myself a curry as a treat tonight and I’m struggling to eat it. Clearly today is a poor appetite day. Oh well, Mandalorian and Discovery and then bed.

[Angie]

Even eating a bit is better than none xx

[Suzi]

How are you today love?

[Stella180]

Ok I suppose. Enjoying lots and lots of puppy cuddles with Talia. She really does love to snuggle.

[Flo]

Can't think of anything nicer that snuggling up with the dog especially if your weather is the same as ours!

[Stella180]

Yeah it’s a bit miserable out there.

[Paula]

Eating, drinking, meds?

[Stella180]

Meds yes, drinking a little, not eaten yet.

[Paula]

Are you going to get on top of that now?

[Suzi]

Have you eaten yet? Had another drink yet?

[Stella180]

Yes mum. Have had a sandwich

[Suzi]

Good. What'cha doing this afternoon?

[Stella180]

Watching rugby.

[Suzi]

OO Enjoy...

[Stella180]

Just finished watching The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. I’m not into chess but I was by the end of the season. Totally recommend it to everyone fantastic story.

[Suzi]

OO I'll add it to my "to watch" list. I'm currently loving New Amsterdam.

[Flo]

Just finished watching The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix. I’m not into chess but I was by the end of the season. Totally recommend it to everyone fantastic story.

How much does it cost a month to have Netflix? I love watching films....

[Stella180]

If you add it to your sky bill it works out cheaper. I pay an extra £4 a month.

[Mira]

one euro is 0.90 pound and I pay 14,99 a month (y)

[Angie]

I have netflix so that two people can sign in at the same time and it was cheaper to put it in my sky aswell.

[Strugglingmum]

My son has a Netflix account. I leech off his(blush)

[Flo]

If you add it to your sky bill it works out cheaper. I pay an extra £4 a month.Thanks matey! I'll get onto it.

[Jaquaia]

My son has a Netflix account. I leech off his(blush)

I use my brothers (giggle)

[Stella180]

Looks like Lois and Clark will be leaving me tomorrow. Someone is coming to pick them up tomorrow afternoon. I’m feeling kinda sad but relieved at the same time. They do make quite a mess and when they want to, the noise it a bit much for me. I’ve only had them for 10 months and feel bad about letting them go but I only took them on as a favour to a friend and I’d rather they were with someone who could fully enjoy them.

[Paula]

You’re doing the right thing, for them and you

[Flo]

You're definitely doing the right thing....I've had birds in the past and they are quite high maintenance..especially the amount of 'dirt' they make and also the noise when they get going! The shrilling used to go right through my head and they always started when you were sitting down in the evening to relax and watch tele!! It's better for you and them if they're maybe with other birds. I certainly wouldn't feel guilty about it.

[Suzi]

I agree, definitely the right thing for all of you. I know it's something you've been thinking about for a while too...

[Stella180]

I know it’s the right thing but feel like I’m letting my mate down. Me putting me first again which never goes down well with others. We’ve not spoken in a while and when we did I offered him the chance to take them back and he refused.

[Suzi]

Definitely not letting anyone down. Keeping them and not giving them enough attention or enough food/water or growing to resent them would be.... It's not you putting you first, it's you putting you, Lois and Clark first....

[Stella180]

The cleaners will be happy that’s for sure lol

[Strugglingmum]

Absolutely the right decision. Someone will really enjoy having them.

[Suzi]

How are things with your cleaners?

[Stella180]

Still have to play hide and seek but it’s getting better. Apart from that the one has said if I ever need anything to give her a call and the other is Talia’s new best friend and has said if I’m ever stuck and need someone to have her she’s more than happy to doggy sit. Oh and apparently I’m their favourite customer lol

[Suzi]

Aww that's awesome. Have you told them about issues around moving things etc?

[Stella180]

What do you think? Lol, of course I haven’t. Amazing how someone as out spoken as me is to chicken when it comes to keeping my cleaners in order.

[Suzi]

Why not send them a text? Do they know about the ASD diagnosis? Could that help you to explain it?

[Stella180]

Yes they know about my specialness but don’t think they fully understand what that mean for me and tbh I don’t want to explain it. I’m not close enough to them to have that conversation and feel comfortable. I know what you’re going to say and I know already but I feel vulnerable enough having people in my home without pointing out my idiosyncrasies and have to deal with the strange looks that come as a result.

[Stella180]

Spent the evening watching darts instead of cleaning the bird cage out so looks like that’s my first job of the morning. It was really nice tonight to have a few members around on the forum at the same time to have a bit of a chat with. I enjoyed it. Maybe we could set aside some time where we can all try to get online together on a regular basis? That would be cool.

[Suzi]

Yes they know about my specialness but don’t think they fully understand what that mean for me and tbh I don’t want to explain it. I’m not close enough to them to have that conversation and feel comfortable. I know what you’re going to say and I know already but I feel vulnerable enough having people in my home without pointing out my idiosyncrasies and have to deal with the strange looks that come as a result.
I don't know what you thought I was going to say, but you're already doing brilliantly by allowing them in, so baby steps is great after you've made this huge leap.


Spent the evening watching darts instead of cleaning the bird cage out so looks like that’s my first job of the morning. It was really nice tonight to have a few members around on the forum at the same time to have a bit of a chat with. I enjoyed it. Maybe we could set aside some time where we can all try to get online together on a regular basis? That would be cool.
It would be... Definitely something to think about..
Did you get them cleaned out in the end? What time are they off?

How are you today?

[Stella180]

Just cleaning them out now The guy is coming around lunchtime I feel kinda sad that they are going even though they are a pita but it’s one less stress for me. I’m letting them go for free but put up an ad stating a £10 cos it stops people from just taking them when they don’t really want then, and is covers the cost of the food, which there is a lot of, so the new owner gets a bargain. The cage and birds and accessories are all worth about £100 but the birds cost me nothing so not going to profit off them.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad love. (bear)

[Paula]

(panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Of course you'll miss them and it's ok to be sad about it but there will be a sense of relief after as well. (bear)

[Stella180]

I may as well admit something now as Flo has stated something similar. When they chirp quite contented it it such a soothing sound but then the high pitched sounds they make drives me insane. It literally goes right through me and really puts me on edge so that is something I won’t miss. Lois is a diva but Clark is such a pretty boy, they certainly do have different characters and I’m going to miss them but they have to go.

I’ve ordered a now storage folder and metallic shims so I can sort out my dies for the card making. I know I’m weird but I try to keep everything in the original retail packaging and I’m reluctant to throw it away but by sorting out alternative storage it will be easier to organise and take up less space. Another step out of my comfort zone but a necessary one. I’m having to make a lot of changes lately and although they are small ones in general they are a big deal to me. I’ve needed to do a lot of these things for a long time but I needed to prepare myself for it. Sometimes that takes a few minutes or hours, other times it can take weeks or months and some cases even years. Of course I always put it down to being lazy or incapable but I guess I’m finally accepting my differences and just cos I can’t always work to everyone else’s schedule doesn’t mean I’m not competent.

[Paula]

Why would you think that was something you couldn’t admit to? The noise would do my head in too

[Suzi]

It would do my head in too!

I think you're really awesome by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and making these changes... I'm so proud of you.

[Stella180]

It’s all a load of small stuff right now but they all add up.

The guy has just picked up the birds. He recently lost his bird so the timing was right as he was looking for some new companions. He’s got a bargain and I’ve got a slightly easier life without them. Settling down to watch the darts with a can of beer now and find something nice for lunch

[Suzi]

Enjoy the darts love.

[Stella180]

Popped to Tesco for some munchies and drinks for the darts/football tonight. That’s as naughty as it gets really cos I bought a salad pot, strawberries raspberries blueberries and grapes, a four pack of cider and bottle of wine, both alcohol free. I sure know how to party lol.

[Suzi]

Sounds lovely! (rofl) (rofl)

[Stella180]

England 2-0 up against Iceland and Wales a goal up with Finland a man down. It’s looking good for promotion to place with the big boys.

[Stella180]

Wales win 3-1 and England 4-0. Great result for the Welsh team and nice to see England knocking a few in the net again. Tomorrow night I’m torn between watching the darts or Rugby Super League Semi Final. A few fat dudes chucking mini spears at a stationary target or a bunch of northerners battering the crap out of each other other an odd shaped ball?

[Suzi]

Lol, you'll have to start a sports thread to post all this in...

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

Oi! It's a proper game is rugby league!!!

[Stella180]

You gonna be cheering your boys on tonight Jaq? I’ll be watching proper rugby at the weekend lol

[Stella180]

Lol, you'll have to start a sports thread to post all this in...

How are you today?

That’s an idea. Not sure many other folk would be interested though.

Today I want to put a tv bracket on the wall but my anxiety is saying no. I just need to put 3 holes in the wall but my head is telling me don’t do it, you’ll mess it up, pay someone to come and do it for you. So I’ve decided to ring around a few local handyman services for quotes cos cba to fight this battle today.

[Jaquaia]

You gonna be cheering your boys on tonight Jaq? I’ll be watching proper rugby at the weekend lol

Don't have sky or I would!!!

[Stella180]

Didn’t I give you my Sky Go details?

[Jaquaia]

Oooh!!! I forgot about that!!!

[Suzi]

Did you get someone to put the bracket up?
I think the sports thread would get quite a lot of posts. If it took off I could even create a new section within fun and games, just for sports related ones. We have lots of members who like lots of different sports, so it could be interesting. Obviously I can't see me posting in it much lol

[Stella180]

I’ll think about a sports thread.

Yes, I got a guy in to put the bracket up for me and after he left I noticed it wasn’t level. He even managed to put a hole right through my wall! Not a very happy bunny right now but not get the mental energy to complain. Gonna have to build myself up to text him later. I’ve come up to bed to take my meds and get some puppy cuddles so I don’t have to look at it.

[Suzi]

Can you do something nice for you this afternoon love? Definitely let him know that the job isn't good....

[Stella180]

I’ve come and taken a look and it appears that it’s the bracket itself that the issue. I might be able to sort it myself. First I need to sort out the Hive controller power lead.

[Suzi]

So not rubbish workmanship?

[Stella180]

I’ve seen better jobs. He put the drill all the way through my wall so I have a hole the other side in the hallway. I just wanted it done and now it is.

[Suzi]

But you've paid to have it done properly and it hasn't been.....

[Stella180]

It’s really not worth it. Trying to decide what to have for dinner so for I’m thinking fish and chips or Chinese.

[Suzi]

But it is worth it. You deserve to have had the job done properly.....
What have you decided on for dinner?

[Strugglingmum]

Its chinese here...... waiting patiently for it to arrive....who am I kidding I'm ready to rip into the bag as soon as my soon walks through the door with it!!(rofl) starving!!

[Suzi]

Was it good? We had chilli ;)

[Stella180]

Ordered fish and chips and had to wait almost 2 hrs for it!!! Both me and the pooch are well fed. I’m not great tonight so gonna leave the darts and go to bed.

[Suzi]

2 hours? Wow!

[Stella180]

Normally I pride myself on my gift buying, it’s not always orthodox but plenty of thought goes into it. This year is an exception. I don’t have the mental capacity to think about gifts. Normally I start my Christmas shopping around September and just get a gift every fortnight so by the time Christmas comes every thing is bought wrapped and ready to go without any stress. Last night I started looking for stuff for the grown-up family members. There is a total lack of imagination in my choices and for once I don’t care. They can think themselves lucky they have anything. Friends will have to take a back seat unfortunately cos really can’t do it this year.

[Angie]

You do what you can and it doesnt matter if it is a penny chew its the thought that counts

[Paula]

You’ve got way more important things to think about, lovely. And if anyone doesn’t get that, stuff them

[Suzi]

Anyone who matters will more than understand and who minds doesn't matter! Right now the best you can do for anyone is to focus on you and yours....

[Stella180]

You are all right of course. I’ve found a couple of bits and pieces for my little man’s birthday which is just a couple of weeks away. Not sure what is going to happen, but I intend to deliver his presents just as I have done previously. I’m trying to prepare myself for disappointment.

[Suzi]

Glad you've got some bits sorted. I don't see why you shouldn't deliver his presents...

[Stella180]

I’m almost expecting them not to answer the door and if they do answer it seems a sure bet that they won’t let me give him the presents myself.

[Suzi]

Wait and see love...

[Stella180]

Didn’t get I wink of sleep all night. Just been lay in bed playing crazy games on my phone and getting up to go to the toilet half a dozen times. I had a ton of things I wanted to do today but look like it’s gonna have to wait until tomorrow l.

[Suzi]

What was causing the not sleeping?

[Paula]

What was causing the not sleeping?

Could the playing crazy games have contributed?

[Stella180]

It usually sends me to sleep. My guts are acting up a bit which certainly doesn’t help but it’s not too bad. Every now and then I have a rough night where the meds don’t touch me.

I’ve got a bloke coming from a local charity to pick up a couple of furniture items. I was hoping they would take the single bed but apparently they have loads to get rid of already So looks like that will be going to the tip instead.

[Suzi]

Issues with your tummy is likely to be stress, unless you've eaten something which didn't agree with you?
WRT the bed, could you list it on a fb free group?

[Stella180]

I have but no takers.

[Suzi]

That's annoying... Are you going to get help to take it away?

[Stella180]

Yeah but it means paying for it. That’s why I’d rather someone made good use of it.

[Suzi]

It's a pita...

[Stella180]

OMG! Grogu. If you know, you know. I will say no more.

One more week of uncertainty and then I will learn my fate. I can last 7 more days right? My baby turns 13 in less than a fortnight and I can’t make any plans yet if I get a chance to make any plans at all. Those who know me, will know I like to be well prepared for all eventualities so 7 days of uncertainty where I have to sit on my hands is hell for me. Any tips on how to keep my mind off the things I can’t control and redirect to things I can?

[Suzi]

We're going to watch it later!

What about card making? Bracelet making? Learn to cook lol? What about guitar playing? Gaming? Go for a walk?

[Mira]

I know what you mean. Uncertain time are bad for most people but for me they can truly be a living hell so I think I know what you are going through.

Something that helps me is doing research. I pick something I like to do and try to improve in it. By surfing the internet or watching youtube about it.

It can be about any hobby or sport or anything. I know of a few diy cleaning products because of it haha.

I mostly do it with gaming or lately with writing. It makes the time go so much faster for me. I do this with a lot of my free time.

[Stella180]

Sleeping seems to be my go to thing at the moment. Second day spent in bed cuddled up with Talia. At least while I’m sleeping I’m not thinking.

[Suzi]

But is it actually helping?

[Stella180]

I just want the next week to go by as quickly as possible. Currently sat watching An American in Paris.

[Suzi]

(panda) (panda)

[Stella180]

I went to Tesco earlier for a couple of bits and pieces and picked up a chicken off the hot deli counter so me and the snuggle pup have pretty much demolished that with some bread and butter. Really enjoyed that. I’ve got myself some alcohol free beer to watch the Tottenham game.

[Suzi]

Glad you've eaten.
How are you doing love?

[Stella180]

Ask me again Friday evening.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Here for you love.

[Stella180]

Crawled out of bed at 10 and I’ve done the washing up from the weekend, cleaned the microwave out, wiped down the surfaces and taken out the rubbish and recycling. Most productive 50 mins of my life lol. Normally it takes me an hour on two just to work myself up to doing it and they the job takes forever. I’m actually quite proud of myself. Today is obviously one of my good days so going to use this energy to sort through some of my craft stuff and maybe make a card for my baby boys birthday. In just over a week I will be the mother of 2 teenagers, by title anyway.

[Suzi]

Well done for doing all those bits. That's really awesome.

[Paula]

I know you won’t believe me, but you really are doing brilliantly, considering the stress you’re under

[Stella180]

Well I’m still going if that’s what you mean. I’m desperate to know the outcome but terrified of it too. I’m desperate for someone to join me in my corner for a change and fight with me and I’m hoping that the author of this report will be that person. Of course there is also a strong possibility that it will go against me as all others have and I really don’t know how I will get past that. Trying not to think about it right now.

[Suzi]

Can you try to keep your focus on the stuff today, one task at a time?

[Stella180]

Managed to do a load of washing. Gonna grab some lunch and watch tv for a bit. Cleaners are coming tomorrow so need to leave something for them to do lol

[Paula]

Are you up to taking Talia for a long walk tomorrow?

[Stella180]

See what the weather is like. I’ve got my AirPods charged up so just need to think of somewhere to go. If not tomorrow then certainly one day this week. I could do with the exercise myself.

[Suzi]

Sounds like a good thing for both of you - blow away the cobwebs and such like...

[Stella180]

I had a rough night last night. According to my Apple Watch I managed 3hrs 52mins sleep. Cleaners have been and gone. One of the regulars had car trouble so had a new person for the day without warning so had to try and play it cool like it was fine. I’m trying to sort my craft corner out and have ordered more folders and magnetic sheets for the die storage and organised 3 of the drawers in one of the units and labelled them. I’ve just taken my meds and they KO me most of the time so I’ve decided to come to bed and hopefully doze off.

[Suzi]

You've done brilliantly love. Well done.

[Stella180]

I went out this morning to buy an A4 picture frame. I came back with AA batteries, dog food, chestnuts, milk and Talia’s Christmas presents. I even popped in to get a haircut but I still don’t have the frame. Couldn’t find it size I wanted anywhere so ordering online now. I have a very snuggly puppy here this afternoon so looks like I’m cuddling up with her this afternoon. Trying to remain calm ahead of the potentially life changing email.

[Paula]

I think puppy cuddles are exactly what you need today (bear)

[Suzi]

Well done love

[Flo]

I think you're doing great!

[Stella180]

Doing great? Yeah I really wouldn’t go that far especially not today. Really not in a good place.

[Angie]

It is understandable that your are not feeling great right now and it is totally understandable that your not in a great place, but you are doing great in how you are dealing with things.

[Suzi]

Ange is right love.... Have you written your list?

[Paula]

I agree. 2 years ago you’d have had a meltdown and stopped talking to us. Today, you are hurt, devastated and angry, but you are still talking and, importantly, you are hearing us. And right now I’m sending you all my love and hugs, as well as all my respect for how you’ve handled every moment of this immensely tough process you’ve been dealing with (panda)

[Stella180]

Believe me Paula it wasn’t pretty last night and today I’m just exhausted. Yet again I failed to get the backing I needed. I spoke to the solicitor, who kept calling me hun which was just weird and he said get the report and then challenge it where possible but now I’m torn. My baby is hurting and I want to be able to help him but I don’t want to make things harder for him. I am going to get it written into the order that I get all relevant information direct from source, eg school, gp, psych etc so I am kept up to date with his progress. She did say last night that maybe I could start writing to him and again the courts can request that he is showed all correspondence. Than sounds like the perfect way for them to keep tabs on everything said to him so again I will be under the microscope but I have nothing to hide cos I’ve never said anything that wasn’t true. I’m not like them but it’s frustrating that I can’t have any privacy with my own kids. I told you my boys would be the next generation of DWDers thanks to me screwing up their lives. I called that one a long time ago and here we are. This pain hurts more than anything I’ve ever had to deal with, it’s like someone has ripped out my heart and stamped all over it. My past keeps coming back to haunt me and no matter what I try to do to better myself it will never be enough and I will always be that terrible mum in the eyes of the authorities. That’s not me being defeatist, it’s the bloody truth.

[Suzi]

Writing sounds like a good start and you can then prove what you said and how often you contact him - esp if you send it recorded/tracked delivery....
I'm glad you spoke to your solicitor and that he's going to challenge things said in the report.

Have you eaten? Drink? Meds?

[Stella180]

Meds yes, drink yes, food does chocolate count?

[Suzi]

It does, but it'd be good if you ate something properly too...

[Stella180]

I’ve had some salad and a yoghurt

[Suzi]

Hey love, how are you today?

[Paula]

Hi sweetie, you’ve been on my mind all night. How are you feeling this morning?

[Stella180]

I’m not exactly at my best.

[Paula]

No, not surprising (panda)

[Suzi]

Did you manage to get that list into the solicitor?

[Stella180]

I’ve already told you that we have to wait for the report next Wednesday

[Paula]

Hunni, not even Suzi can retain all the info she has swirling around in her brain......

What are you doing this afternoon? Haven you eaten and medicated today?

[Stella180]

I’ve taken my meds and had a few biscuits. I’m sorry for snapping. I’m really struggling at the minute, my head hurts and I’m not feeling very sociable.

[Suzi]

It's fine. I'm trying to keep up with everything for so many people. I'm sorry I missed it.
Will you eat something better than just biscuits?

[Knowle]

Sorry that you are not feeling the best today Stella - I hope things improve for you soon.

[Stella180]

Will you eat something better than just biscuits?

I dragged myself over to the local chippy. Could only eat half of it. Been in bed the rest of the night.

[Suzi]

Well done for eating something love.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

How are you this morning?

[Stella180]

Not good. Thankfully Talia was there for puppy cuddles after a day dream last night. It’s getting to the point where so don’t even know what day it is.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, can you call anyone for support today?

[Stella180]

Not really. I did get a call from one of the Aspie lads to check in which was nice so we talked Mandalorian and Discovery and the changes they have made at Aspie. Sounds like they’ve had a major sort out and utilised the space upstairs. I’m not really missing the drama that comes with that place.

[Paula]

What can I do, right now, to help?

[Stella180]

Like what? There’s nothing anyone can do. I’m just snuggling with Talia watching Nat Geo documentaries.

[Mira]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Have you thought about going back to Aspie?

[Stella180]

Nope. Not at all.

[Suzi]

Why not?

[Stella180]

Cos I’m not interested.

[Paula]

Is that because how,you’re doing now or was this a decision you made before?

[Suzi]

But I thought you'd made friends there?

[Stella180]

It was a decision I made before, and it will just be awkward now with two of what I thought were my closest friends and I really can’t deal with them on top of everything else I’ve got going on and tbh with all that has happened this week I don’t know if I can face anyone.

[Suzi]

Give yourself time, never say never and all that...

[Stella180]

This is going to sound like a really simple thing but this evening I cooked myself spaghetti bolognese, something I love and hardly a culinary challenge but it’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I have prepped and cooked a meal for myself. I’ve been living off ready meals and takeaways for so long I forgot what real food tasted like. Really proud of myself.

[Knowle]

This is going to sound like a really simple thing but this evening I cooked myself spaghetti bolognese, something I love and hardly a culinary challenge but it’s the first time in I don’t know how long that I have prepped and cooked a meal for myself. I’ve been living off ready meals and takeaways for so long I forgot what real food tasted like. Really proud of myself.

Well done and good for you for making yourself something that you really love. A good meal is one of life's most simple but best pleasures.

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds lovely. Well done you.

[Mira]

I agree. We should not take these things for granted. I know from experience that when you live by yourself its already a bit harder to prepare a meal. Since its just me. And then to add how we all feel. That makes it even harder. So I agree, good job and I hope you enjoyed.

[Paula]

Well done, love :)

[Stella180]

I agree. We should not take these things for granted. I know from experience that when you live by yourself its already a bit harder to prepare a meal. Since its just me. And then to add how we all feel. That makes it even harder. So I agree, good job and I hope you enjoyed.

You are absolutely stop on. When it’s only you it hardly feels worth the effort and when you feel low that effort could be put to use elsewhere cos there is always a shortfall in other areas of your life. I really enjoyed it. One of my favourite meals but I’ve not had it for months. Felt like a real treat.

[Suzi]

I'm proud of you!


Hey, this thread is 150 pages long! Overdue for a new one I think!

[Stella180]

How the heck did that happen? Be good to end it on a positive note.

[Flo]

Yummmm...spag. bol is my favourite! It's got a rich deep flavour and is my idea of comfort food...in fact you've given me an idea, I'll put mince on the shopping list, make a lot of the sauce and freeze some of it! Thanks for that.

[Suzi]

Thanks for your new thread. I'll close this one now.