When is it gonna be my turn?

[Mira]

For me its a first. But they do look great.

[Suzi]

They are fab! :)

[Stella180]

In the past 2 days I’ve made £59 which brings the total up to £144. I’m happy with that. One guy does a lot hunting and thinks they would be popular in those circles and as he so happy with what I’ve done for him he is going to spread the word for me. I’ve achieved what I wanted to do. Might have to start taking my costs out of future sales cos I’ve worked out how much I’ve spent on buckles clips and cord and it’s adding up. Need to get some of the bottle openers moving.

Last guitar lesson tomorrow and I’m quite grateful. I’ve enjoyed the lessons but I want to go back to the beginning and work through it all at a pace I feel comfortable with. Maybe once I’ve got my head round it all and am happy with my progress I might look at further lessons at a later date.

[Suzi]

That post is full of positives. You do need to take costs out though hunni...

[Stella180]

Covering the costs myself was kinda like my own personal donation but I’m up to round £30 so far and need to order more stuff. I wasn’t expecting to do so many. 14 sets have gone out so far plus a few individual items and I still have a few items put aside for car boots/craft fairs when things return to normal.

[Suzi]

£30 donation is more than enough love, make sure you take the other costs out...

[Stella180]

Oh what a ball ache! I got the valuation through this morning mid way through my guitar lesson so concentration went out of the window. Try to forward it to my solicitor who off sick so given an email for the person taking on her work load for that to bounce back cos she’s on leave so a third person was contacted. It’s not exactly clear cut so still don’t know where I stand. Stressed doesn’t quite cover it.

[Paula]

Was it the valuation you needed though?

[Suzi]

That sounds frustrating....

[Stella180]

Was it the valuation you needed though?

That is a question I can’t really answer until I’ve spoken to someone cos I have no idea.

[Stella180]

Ha, turns out the guy I emailed doesn’t know either. I could do without all this right now.

[Suzi]

That must be really frustrating!

[Stella180]

I’ve just realised I’ve not eaten all day apart from a few pringles this morning while waiting for the pharmacy to answer the phone, so I’ve ordered my first takeaway in weeks cos I really can’t be bothered to cook.

[Suzi]

Fair enough!

[Stella180]

I’m not good. Spent the afternoon in bed and missed a zoom meeting set up for a friends birthday. Tried watching one of my favourite shows but I still feel like crap. I don’t know what to do. Push on through or take time out or something in between. I’m stuck.

[Suzi]

Maybe find a halfway house - not all or nothing? You're opening up and talking more about things that are painful as well as beating yourself up for your house not being tidy etc, whilst also dealing with lockdown etc.... Can you set yourself a small goal which is achievable?

[Stella180]

Today I have a load of washing to be done, some washing up and attempt to declutter the kitchen was on my list of things to do. I’ve been out in the garden playing with Talia who is a big bundle of energy today, put a bit of guitar practice in but didn’t take long for me to get annoyed with myself over that. I’ve sent a bunch of bank statements over to the solicitors and hopefully that will be the end of it. Awaiting a response to my chances of actually getting funding.

I’m fighting the urge to just go back to bed and it’s not even 11am yet! My head is scrambled and I can’t seem to slow things down to try and figure out what I need to do and the natural instinct is to do nothing. Not sure that is a constructive thought but still.

[Suzi]

So you've done a lot already! Can you pace with some of the other tasks?

[Stella180]

I’ve just realised I forgot to pick up Talia’s meds this morning. Gonna have to creep and get another appointment to collect. I’ve double checked all the documents needed about my LA application and forwarded the psych letter ref. ASD and had to carry out an experiment regarding the new mattress and send a pic of the results to the manufacturer. Still not done bugger all around the house yet and don’t really feel up to doing it.

[Suzi]

I'm intrigued as to the experiment lol....

[Stella180]

Nothing exciting. Basically putting two equal weights on either side of the mattress, of course if there is a discrepancy in the mattress’s firmness one with obviously sink further then the other. They needed some kind of visual evidence.

[Suzi]

So does this mean you're getting a new replacement?

[Stella180]

I suppose so at some point. Took forever to get to sleep last night. Didn’t drop off til around 3am. I was going to wash the car todaybut it’s a bit warm out there and I can’t find the shampoo. I did get Talia’s meds sorted this morning and popped into Lidl for some cherries and scoffed the lot. I did manage to get the load of washing on last night and the washing up eventually got done. Kitchen is still a tip but I’ll try and do something small every time I walk in there and hopefully it was get things to a point where I feel I can get it organised fully.

[Suzi]

That actually sounds like you're pacing with the kitchen! That's awesome!

[Stella180]

I can’t face the job as a whole so I’m copping out really but so long as I do something it’s one less think that’s needed next time right?

[Jaquaia]

One of my counsellors suggested doing things like you are doing. She said things can be overwhelming if you look at things as a whole but if you break things down then you feel like you've actually achieved something when you see the smaller jobs getting done. I've been teaching J how to do things like that and even he admits it works.

[Stella180]

It’s not easy for me for a variety of reasons but I’m gonna try it.

[Suzi]

It isn't easy, but it does help...

[Stella180]

Tomorrow is the day the electric is off from 9am til 4pm. Yep, 7 hrs without power so I’ve made a list of things I can do that doesn’t involve electricity. In no particular order...

• Long walk with Talia
• Go fill the car with fuel (and pick up some shampoo)
• Tesco shopping for a few essentials.
• Wash the car.
• fill a few bin bags with rubbish and old clothes.
• Guitar practice.
• Read the book that was recommended by a friend.

I can attempt to do some decluttering as I go and that should fill the majority of the day. I’m sure I can sneak in a nap after my lunchtime meds. It’s a bit of a bummer that everywhere is shut or I might’ve taken the snuggle pup for a day out somewhere nice.

[Suzi]

Why's the power going off? Good list btw!

[Strugglingmum]

That sounds like a full day. Enjoy

[Stella180]

Why's the power going off? Good list btw!

Some repairs needed apparently. I’m looking forward to putting my new battery operated pressure washer to work tomorrow. It’s only for washing the car with, and maybe giving Talia a soaking 😂

[Suzi]

Lol, hope your day is as fun as it can be! :)

[Stella180]

In 5 minutes the power goes off and I’m actually kinda anxious about it. Stupid when I’ve prepared for this and it’s only for a few hours but since when was anxiety rational? I’m looking at my list of things to do and don’t know where to start. Do I take the dog out, do the car, bag the clothes etc.

[Suzi]

How're you doing?

[Stella180]

Not good. All was fine until I tried to use the power washer and it’s not drawing water. Grrr. But I’ve filled the car and had the most amazingly sweet strawberries for breakfast. Queue to get into Tesco was ridiculous so I skipped that one as well. My chest isn’t great this morning so may need to revise the dog walking route. Gonna go lie on the bed and read a book now cos that’s something that can’t go wrong.

[Suzi]

Marc has just got back from Tesco and he agreed that the queue to get in was mad... Seems everyone's going BBQ mad ready for being allowed to have 6 people in your garden on Monday....

[Stella180]

Well I have one in my front garden right now.

[Suzi]

Awesome!

[Stella180]

I dunno about that. When a friend who lives 20+ miles way turns up on my doorstep with tears in there eyes I’m not gonna turn them away. We chatted and Talia gave him lots of cuddles. She even tried to go home with him (and they say dogs are loyal) (think)

Don’t suppose anyone has a magic potion to mend a broken heart? I hate seeing someone I care about hurting so bad :(

[Suzi]

Oh hunni (panda) (panda)

[Stella180]

I went upstairs with the intention of trying to read my book again but fell asleep instead. Have also looked up some design ideas for a project I wanted to do. My head hurts and I need feeding.

[Suzi]

Sorry, just seen you called - will speak to you tomorrow if that's OK?
Have you eaten?

[Stella180]

Yep, fed and watered. I got my electric back on but the workers have been digging the road up all evening, right outside my next door neighbours. Not exactly the best way to end the day. I’m hot stressed and tired.

[Suzi]

Did you sleep?

[Stella180]

I did eventually around 3am but I slept in too so it’s all good. I thing the stresses of yesterday took its toll, faulty power washer, unexpected visitor, not getting anything constructive done and a result.

[Suzi]

Result?

[Stella180]

I had so many things planned and they didn’t happen. I’m not exactly a fan of unexpected visits and the whole lockdown/social distancing thing. I was hoping to get some time reading this book I’ve been promising to read for weeks and not done. The house is still a mess, my car is still dirty. I achieved nothing and today I feel...exhausted is the wrong word but I just don’t have the energy to deal with stuff. I don’t want to do anything. I had so many positive things I wanted to do yesterday and it all went tits up and I guess I’m disappointed by that.

[Paula]

Perhaps you need to plan less? You seem to be setting yourself up for a fail when you do that

[Suzi]

Paula's right, you seem to plan so much - and it's not just "tidy the corner of the kitchen" - it's all or nothing again..

[Stella180]

A lot of my list for yesterday was recreational and didn’t even manage that and I know why, it was the unexpected visit. Although I’m glad he chose to come to one of the two people he can trust (I was nearest at that moment in time) and I would always be there for a friend in need, it totally through me off and was emotionally draining. I guess I need time to get back on track. A day of food drink and crappy TV is all I have planned for today. It’s about all I feel good for.

[Suzi]

Most of your posts recently seem really negative towards yourself...

[Stella180]

I didn’t think so. I’m I missing something?

[Suzi]

You just seem so hard on yourself, making comments such as "all I'm good for" etc....

[Stella180]

Some days that’s the way I feel. It’s just an in the moment thing. If I am going to be a better person and feel better about myself I have to push to achieve what that means to me.

[Paula]

You’ve done CBT, right? It seems to me that you’re forgetting to change your behaviour to impact on your thoughts and emotions itms?

[Stella180]

You forget that CBT didn’t wort for me and since my diagnosis late last year why CBT didn’t work for me.

[Suzi]

Look back through your posts here and apart from being pleased about the amount of money you've raised for Aspies, I don't think you've been kind to you at all... The way you talk about you is really negative...

[Stella180]

I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been honest. I’m struggling but trying to do positive things. I may not have achieved what I set out to do but I keep trying.

[Suzi]

That's not what I mean. What I mean is that you are being negative about YOU...

[Stella180]

Not what I mean. Well I dunno. I try to do the best for all around me, myself included, I wanna do the right thing. I wanna feel better but now I wonder.

[Suzi]

You wonder what?
How are you today? Did you sleep?

[Stella180]

I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I’ve spent all day in bed today. I had a dream last night about the boys and my mum and dad. I guess it unsettled me a bit.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry you had dreams like that, I hate unsettling dreams.... Hope you can get up and do the essentials - make sure you've taken your meds, had enough to drink and eaten....

[Stella180]

I got up to eat and drink and I’m fully medicated. That is literally all I’ve done today. Feel like I could sleep for a fortnight.

[Paula]

How are you this morning, lovely?

[Stella180]

I wrote a reply explaining all that I have done this morning (which isn’t much) and realised that doesn’t answer the question. The fact it’s 9.50 and I’ve had enough and gone back to bed probably says it all.

[Suzi]

Why? What's happened?

[Stella180]

Nothing has happened, just not a great day mood wise.

I got the call from Healthy Minds about an hour ago and after 40mins it was decided that she couldn’t help me (getting used to hearing that now), but would refer me to long term therapy with a psychologist, so back on the waiting list again. It’s bloody annoying because my first conversation with the service back in Aug/Sept long term counselling was what I agreed too only for a supervisor to interfere and tell me to drive 20 miles for CBT which my notes should state is more harmful than good for me, and I even told them that several times! I’ll get there eventually it’s just frustrating.

[Suzi]

That is frustrating love... I'm sorry that you didn't get the help you need and deserve.

[Stella180]

Well to be fair she could only offer me the standard 6 sessions and we both agreed that I need more that that so she’s referred me. It’s definitely for the best but annoying that I now find myself at the back a queue I should’ve been in since August of last year.

I’ve decided I need ice cream. And perhaps cake too. I’d also like steak with jacket spud, and salad, prepared by someone else and not have to wash up either. I miss pub grub. I probably shouldn’t but tempted to get a takeaway tonight. Got loads of food in the house but if left to me to cook I’ll probably End up going without. In a proper cba mood today.

[Suzi]

You need to eat love...

[Stella180]

I have eaten. For what it was worth. My lovely sister somehow managed to put a £67.99 transactions through to my bank account via her phone and I’ve just spent the past hour and a half sorting it out. She’s such a drip it’s unreal and no sense of responsibility whatsoever. It’s hard to believe we’re related. So any energy I have managed to muster today has been wasted sorting out her crap.

[Suzi]

Oh no! That's a large amount to have used your account for!

[Stella180]

It should never have happened! I don’t know how it did but it’s sorted now, just have to wait for the refund to hit my account. I just get so fed up of sorting crap out constantly. This past week their has been so much, property valuation and Legal Aid applications, faulty mattress, faulty pressure washer, friend with a broken heart and now this. It’s emotionally draining and a just want a period of time where I can get my head straight and start focusing on me without all the petty stresses that build up and I feel like my head is going to explode.

[Stella180]

Had a bit of a lie in this morning. Woke up with a headache so decided to go back to sleep and hope it would pass and it did. I’ve also dug the electric guitar out of the spare room and decided to play with that this morning. That was until I realised the amp power lead was missing so had to scrambled through a load of boxes to find it. I think I’m ready to let a few more of my parents boys and pieces go but maybe wait until I have some help with it. So this morning I will by attempting a few new songs cos this week I am sick of Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds going through my head constantly.

[Suzi]

ROFL, epic song though ;)

Going through stuff from those passed is tough. I'm glad you're going to wait till you have some help to do it.
Electric and acoustic? Awesome!

[Stella180]

Yeah I bough the electric about 3 yrs ago when I decided O wanted to learn to play and it’s pretty much been gathering dust ever since. I bought the first acoustic to go to lessons at the local community centre in 2018! I finally got these few online lessons sorted, played it for 3 weeks and traded up to a new one lol. I’ve now managed to figure out the intros to Wild Thing and Nothing Else Matters. Yeah I really am a novice.

Made a couple of bracelets and trolley tokens this morning too but got bored of that. I’ve put a load of washing on and another ready to go and now sorting and a load of recycling Before sitting down to play the Bullseye DVD game I found upstairs when searching for my guitar lead. Considering the past couple of days I’ve barely had the energy to get out of bed today I’m full of it so making the most of it and getting a few things done around the house.

[Paula]

Everybody starts somewhere ;)

[Stella180]

I’m not sure how I did it but somehow managed to hurt my elbow. I was ok up until I sat down to watch a movie. Probably a bit of golfers elbow. All I know is it’s bloody painful. Really annoying cos I wanted to get my bedroom sorted out today. I’d barely started before the pain was too much and I had to give up. I did manage to clear a load of crap out and hang a picture that has been kicking around for ages so it’s a start at least.

[Paula]

Have you got some ibuprofen? And a bag of frozen peas?

[Stella180]

This is the kicker. Can’t tike anti inflammatories so it’s ice packs and painkillers. Seriously if not even using my arm and it painful. How you guys deal with chronic pain is beyond me, I’m such a pussy it’s unreal lol

[Suzi]

Sounds like you've achieved lots of things today. Maybe not the complete picture, but loads of progress! Well done.
I've found tiger balm or biofreeze really helpful! (Get the spray of biofreezr, the roll on is useless!)

[Stella180]

I’m heading to Tesco now cos it’s getting worse not better. I have enough trouble with my shoulders without my elbow joining in as well

[Suzi]

Maybe you need to rest it a little?

[Stella180]

I am resting. Lay down watching S.H.I.E.L.D

Happened to pick up some raspberry sorbet and my fave chocolate almond milk.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how's your elbow today?

[Stella180]

Painful. Not us bad as it was last night thankfully. Can’t even use my left hand to hold me phone of open a door :(

[Suzi]

Do you think you should get it checked out?

[Paula]

Is it red? Swollen?

[Stella180]

There was redness last night but not so much now. No swelling. I put a support bandage on overnight. Clearly the RICE treatment worked. Still painful but it’s bearable now compared to last night when it almost brought me to tears. Give it few days I’ll be fine.

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear)(panda)(bear)

[Stella180]

Had a lazy day today doing nothing. I was asked to take part in an Aspie video chat but declined. I’m pretty sure if I had got involved in would most likely end in tears and they wouldn’t have been mine. I have a really bad feeling and doing my best to stay out of the way so I don’t get dragged down. If and when the time is right I’ll step up but until then I’m keeping a low profile.

I was looking at exercises to help with my elbow and came across something stating that issues in the shoulder or wrist can create problems with the elbow which is interesting so gonna try and work on some simple rotation exercises, if I can do it pain free.

[Suzi]

Why do you think it would have ended in tears?
Hazel has issues with her wrist, elbow and shoulders all throw each other out! Hope you're resting it though love.

[Stella180]

I’ve done bugger all today so definitely rested. Lay in bed watching tv. Feeling sleepy so not long until I’ll be out cold.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how's your elbow? Did you sleep?

[Stella180]

Only just woke up, and still feel knackered. Elbow is ok so long is I don’t straighten my arm fully or bend past 90 degrees. A lot better than 2 days ago.

[Suzi]

You sure you shouldn't get it looked at?

[Stella180]

No it’s fine. It’s getting better. It’s just gonna take a little time to fully heal.

Wish I’d stayed in bed today. Big ideas about getting stuff sorted out and all I’ve achieved is elevated stress levels. It’s a no win situation. I try to do stuff and stress out so I sit down and try to calm down and I see all the stuff I need to do and get stressed that I’m not doing anything! I guess today isn’t a good day. Might hop in the car and go for a drive just to get out of the house and away from it all for a bit. It’s still gonna be there when I get back but hopefully clearing my head might help to get something done later. My smart meter is bleeping as me because I stupidly topped up the electric last week instead of the gas which was low and hadn’t realised. It can take an hour to show up so need to get out to avoid the bleeping.

[Paula]

If you’re determined not to get your elbow looked at, the only way it’s going to heal is if you rest it - which probably means leaving the stuff to be sorted until it’s better .......

[Stella180]

It’s already better than it was. Tuesday afternoon/evening I was in agony and couldn’t do anything with it. I’m not an idiot. I’m not lifting or twisting, I’m limiting movement to within painfree limits and being righthanded most stuff is done with my other hand. I just want to get my home back in shape and get my life back.

Oh and I forgot I placed a grocery delivery for today and missed it by 7 mins! I should probably just give up and go back to bed.

[Suzi]

You missed them arriving?

I wasn't suggesting you were an idiot, just that sometimes we all dismiss pains etc when we should really get them looked at... Glad it's getting better though.

[Stella180]

I’m sorry for snapping :( I’m having a really tough day. I did end up going back up to bed and when Talia joined me I really wasn’t in the mood for having her around me. Within a couple of minutes she was resting her head on my arm with me stroking her and we both dozed off. She really is such a sweetie and it’s impossible not to love her. I’m still feeling a bit sorry for myself but my stress levels are reduced. Am so fed up with my life as it is and I don’t mean because of lockdown.

[Suzi]

That's OK... (panda) Well done for doing the self care thing and going and resting. I bet that doze has helped.

What kind of things do you want to change about your life?

[Stella180]

Ha, everything. I want to be able to maintain a clean and tidy home, I want a job I‘d enjoy, I wanna spend quality time with my boys and be a mother to them. I wanna feel good about what I offer this world, I want to feel like I’m making a difference. I want to be able to say all of this without tears in my eyes because I know I’m dreaming.

[Paula]

You don’t have to do it all at once, hunni. You’re working on the boys, so can you try to put that to one side until the decisions been made on legal aid?

As for the others, you have made a difference with the stuff you’re selling for Aspies but perhaps, when lockdown is gone, you could think about expanding that - at markets etc? Or even try selling on eBay now? That could lead to your own small business which you could enjoy too.

They’re not pipe dreams, they’re just not going to happen overnight and pressurising yourself to get it all done or nothing done is not going to get you anywhere.

As for your home, and I’m not sure if it’s remotely doable or whether it would impact legal aid, But have you considered downsizing? I know you want rooms for the boys but, to be perfectly honest, Katie wasn’t much older when she stopped staying overnight at her dad’s, though she still spent days and evenings with him. Maybe the overnight stays could be a dream you let go so that you can achieve another dream of a home you can manage?

[Suzi]

You aren't dreaming... There are things there that you do already but you don't realise or accept it. You make a difference to me - I know others who would say the same. You make my life better by being my friend. You offer so much. You are one of the fiercest friends and allies I've ever had. Again, I know it's not just me that feels that way about you.
Things about the house and your boys will come love.

[Stella180]

Elbow is a lot better now. Can actually put pressure on arm now without pain, well a a little bit but nothing to worry about. Time to get back to playing the guitar again.

I popped to the post office this morning to send the order for paracord stuff to Nottingham, put a load of washing on and done the washing up. Playing catch-up after my few days out of action but tomorrow I’m blitzing the bedroom. I can’t remember the last time I sat in the chair up there cos it’s covered in clothes and crap. Got my replacement mattress coming in just over a week. They don’t rush that’s for sure.

[Paula]

Glad your elbows improving :)

[Suzi]

Glad you have sorted the mattress issue. It's good news about your elbow!

[Stella180]

Run out of anything nice to drink in the house. Should really go to the shop and get something and maybe find something nice for dinner too. If only I could be bothered to move.

[Suzi]

Have you eaten today?

[Stella180]

Yes! Did you forget about me putting 12ins of meaty goodness in my mouth? I’ll probably grab something quick and easy, Pot Noodle or something. Wasn’t anything that I fancied in the shop but grabbed some milk, apple juice, and still lemonade. Oh and some ice cream.

[Suzi]

Oh yes of course!! (rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Stella180]

Grrrr, someone or something outside has got Talia on high alert tonight and she will not settle. She’s had the devil in her all day today and now this. Not impressed at all!!

[Paula]

Oh no! Did she settle in the end?

[Suzi]

Hope she settled and you both got some sleep.

[Stella180]

Eventually yeah. This morning she has been a cuddle monster.

I’ve still not managed to get anything done yet but that will change soon. I need to get my butt into gear. Gonna blast some tunes and hopefully I can get into a rhythm and make a dent in the bedroom decluttering.

[Suzi]

Good for you! :)

[Stella180]

I’ve managed to get rid of a bag full of old clothes and found my chair again! Gotta put some washing on and sort a load more junk out. Definitely not going to get it all done in a day but I needed to make a start and once it’s a bit more organised and can start working on the rest.

[Suzi]

Well done! You're doing better than me this morning!

[Stella180]

It’s slow going but my bookcase is now dust free and I can actually see the top of it! The room still looks like a bomb site but I’m doing something at least.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Paula]

Whereas I’m sitting here without the energy to even clear up my lunch stuff ;)

[Stella180]

It’s seriously overdue. Decided to sit and watch AoS while the first load of washing is on. I’ll get back to it once I’ve had dinner. Roast pork on the menu today and looking forward to it.

[Suzi]

AoS?
How're you doing?

[Stella180]

Agents of Shield.

I’ve been invited to a video chat this evening and I don’t know if I feel up to it. I used the housework as an excuse and it is true that I have got a lot to do but I could take some time out to hang out with them, I guess I’m just worried about the conversation going places I don’t want to go and it getting awkward. See how I feel later I guess.

[Suzi]

Ahh of course!!

Why not join for a bit? You can always make your excuses and leave?

[Stella180]

Nah I bottled it. As it turns out I was in the shower when they started and I wasn’t gonna join in naked, I don’t think it was that kind of chat lol

[Paula]

(giggle)

[Suzi]

You could have turned it into that kind of chat lol

[Stella180]

Nooooooooo! With a bunch of socially awkward lads who probably don’t know one end of a woman from the other? Yeah that’s not on my bucket list.

[Suzi]

(rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

How you doing today?

[Stella180]

Still in bed. I’ve been playing games on my phone and listening to music all morning. Really should get up and sort the rest of this bedroom out. Also need food and drink but I can’t possibly move while the snuggle pup in giving me such lovely cuddles.

[Suzi]

You can do it!!!

[Stella180]

Nope it’s just not working today. I’ve made a start on the top of my bedside cabinet, cleared all the crap off and polished but that’s about it. I can’t seem to get my head around what needs to be done and do it efficiently without getting stressed.

Anyway I’m out of bed, dressed, and medicated so today is about the little victories. I’m a bit frustrated cos I really wanted to get the bedroom finished today but there is no point pushing on days like this cos it’ll only end badly. Maybe tomorrow?

[Paula]

Definitely the right decision then. But is there anything else you can do? Have you been out for a walk?

[Stella180]

No not today. I’ve just sold my old firetv stick so gonna drop that off to a mate in a bit. Might try and get the bed moved and clean under there at least so it can start being used for storage again.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a crappy job..

Well done for celebrating today's victories.

[Stella180]

You’re not kidding it’s a crappy job. Some of the stuff I found under there you wouldn’t believe. It was pretty gross lol

[Suzi]

But it's done now?

[Stella180]

Need to drag the vacuum upstairs but I need to build up the energy for that so having a lie on the bed and watching an episode of AoS to chill out for a bit and maybe have another bash after.

[Suzi]

Good for you! Have you eaten and had enough to drink today?

[Stella180]

Yeah I’ve eaten. Not exactly the right kinda things but I’ve eaten. I have been drinking but again not enough. You know what I’m like for putting those things to the bottom of my priority list.

[Suzi]

Hmm.... Stop the drinking ;) Eat properly... There, that's your lecture from me...

[Stella180]

Stop drinking? Shouldn’t I be drinking more?

[Suzi]

Depends what you're drinking.....

[Stella180]

Fruit juice and water. Disappointed that you expect anything else :(

[Suzi]

(rofl) You're awesome.

[Stella180]

Are you still here? Isn’t it past your bed time?

[Stella180]

I have a discount code for Uber eats so thought I’d make use of it. While waiting I hoovered under the bed. No idea how but I noticed the support legs had worked loose and one of them actually fell off. This meant I had to drag the mattress off the bed so I could tighten the screws which I did (see, having Allen keys in your bedside drawer does come in handy) but stupidly slipped while leaning across and managed to break one of the wooden slats. As if that wasn’t bad enough when I checked to see where my delivery was my order had been cancelled by the restaurant. No food and a broken bed at 9.30pm. Grrrr. Fortunately I ordered some replacement slats a week or two ago cos I was going to check them for bowing and replace any that needed it and the one at the end of the bed which I broke when I first built it. Cba to do it tonight so it looks like I have a new job to do tomorrow. Sometimes being single sucks cos lugging mattresses around on my own is a pita. A big strong handsome hunk with rippling muscles to do all the heavy lifting while I sit and watch sounds quite nice right now ;)

[Paula]

Have you eaten?

[Stella180]

Yeah but I was looking forward to the chicken salad I ordered.

[Stella180]

Still wide awake window shopping for guitar stuff and reading up on pentatonic scales. Talia has just gone from snoring to growling and set off to find the source of the noise outside. Sounds a bit like someone trying to put a screw in. Piece of wood with short bursts of an electric drill, just quieter.

Totally random but there have been deer sightings near where I live. It’s not something I’ve ever come across in all the time I’ve lived in this city so it’s kind of exciting. There is a lot of woodland near me but thanks to the city expansion over the years housing estates have split it all up but I may have to go take I walk over to the area they’ve been spotted and see if I’m lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one.

[Flo]

Ooh! Exciting.....dawn is the best time to spot deer, when no one is usually around....very few cars etc., We have Sika deer here....very small and beautiful, about the size of a Labrador fully grown. Good luck.

[Suzi]

How are you today love?

[Stella180]

Tired.

[Suzi]

Can you try to pace today?

[Stella180]

Well I’ve fixed the bed. Was only going to be place a few slats but ended up doing the whole of the one side. The replacements a bought are so much better that the original ones I decided to change them all and keep the old ones as emergency spares and getting some more to do the other side. I’m sweating like a pig after hauling that mattress around so time to take a break and my meds. Sleep may well follow.

[Suzi]

That sounds incredibly physical! Hope you do pace a bit too.

[Paula]

No sleep and then you do that? Still, hopefully you’ll have a really good nights sleep in your (all but) new bed

[Stella180]

I only woke up about half an hour ago. I fell asleep cuddling Talia. Instead of feeling refreshed though I still feel tired. Gonna have something to eat and just slob out tonight. I have Salted Caramel ice cream in the freezer so that along with a box set should make for an enjoyable evening.

[Suzi]

That sounds like fun!

[Stella180]

I’ve just found an app which is aimed at parents to get their kids to do their chores but I’m hoping it will help me to organise myself to get tasks done. There is a points and reward system so I can use my competitive spirit to achieve more points each day/week. It’s going to take me a while to set up a routine with it but hopefully in time it will be a useful tool for me. Yeah I’m that desperate I might have to give myself pocket money each week lol.

[Suzi]

I love the idea of getting rewards for doing crap jobs around the house!
Did you sleep well?

[Stella180]

Didn’t drop off as quickly as I’d like and woken by the neighbour going the work at 6.30am. Gonna go test out the car washer in a bit and then work down the list of tasks I’ve marked on the app. Might ever finish up the bedroom today. Thinking of ways to repurpose the old bed slats. Sure they will come in handy somewhere.

[Suzi]

I hope the tasks you've set are actually realistic and achievable.....

[Stella180]

Yes Mum.

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Stella180]

I now have a cleaner car. Only gave it a quick once over cod I need to rebuild me valeting kit. Washer isn’t especially powerful but it makes the job a lot quicker. I don’t have an outside tap which is a pain but before I’d have to get the pressure washer out, unravel the hose,run and extension cord outside and hook it all up to get started. Now I just need to do is fill a bucket with water, drop the hose in and pull the trigger. It took approx 15 litres of water to hose down the loose dirt and rinse off the suds after. As I said the power level is disappointing but for what I want it’s ideal. I can even wash the dog with it lol

[Paula]

Poor Talia ;)

[Stella180]

Talia likes a shower. Not she can have one in the back garden.

[Suzi]

Lol! Well done for doing that!

[Jaquaia]

She loves showers but hates the rain. Weirdo...

[Stella180]

Well they do say dogs are like there owners

[Stella180]

Since washing the car this morning I kinda lost my mojo. I was thinking of having lunch at 12 and it was 2.30 before I got around to eating. My afternoon achievement involved packing up a return to Amazon and battling with my printer to sort the return label, putting yet another load of washing on, the 4th load in 4 days, and had a bit of a sort out in the corner of the bedroom which didn’t last long but I must’ve stirred up a fair bit of dust cos my eyes are itching like crazy.

[Paula]

You’ve done loads today, don’t let your brain tell you otherwise!

[Stella180]

There was stupid error I made again which has lead to more work tomorrow but I’m getting there. Two steps forward one step back. I’ve dismantled the pedestal fan in my bedroom to give it a wash down but I don’t know if I’ll do it tonight or not. I’m currently sat munching or cheese and crackers with the lovely chutney I bought this morning. I grabbed myself a bottle of ice cold beer from the shop to go with it and it’s all going down quite nicely. I think I deserved a little treat.

[Suzi]

I love chutney! :) You've done brilliantly!

[Stella180]

Just got one of those dreaded brown envelopes through the door and it was actually good news. With the delay of my ESA assessment which should’ve been October 2019 (but they cancelled on me 30 mins before the appointment!), and the revised date falling or the same day as my uncle’s funeral I’m still waiting for a new date. My PiP is up for review soon too but thankfully due to CV they have extended it to 25 April 2021. One assessment is bad enough so having 2 to deal with sucks. Still no idea when my ESA assessment will take place.

[Paula]

That is good news!

[Suzi]

That's great news!

[Stella180]

Sorry but I have to rant...

What is wrong with the LGBTQ+ community??? It’s pride month and all I’m seeing it people being “offended” over everything! I thought Pride was about togetherness, acceptance and love not bitching and back biting and straight bashing. Apparently I don’t get it cos I’m straight. Yesterday I got caught up in an argument over someone who chose to use the word “queer” to define herself. Apparently that is a hate word and highly offensive. Not sure how that works as a self identifying label but still. L.G.B.T.......Q.

Today I get (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) for pointing out that a person who was outraged by a JK Rowling essay because she was obviously transphobic and lying about gender laws, was actually taking the whole thing out of context and cherry picking the parts which fitted her agenda. I even supplied an article confirming the suggested law changes but no it was still BS and irrelevant.

I agree with equal rights. I agree that hate crimes should be eradicated. I believe we should celebrate our diversity within the human race but apparently the people who have been oppressed think it’s perfectly ok to oppress others. They don’t want equal rights, they want to be on a pedestal looking down at others. I know this is a minority of people but they are doing so much damage. It’s the same with the BLM movement. A black man dies at the hands of a police officer in America and white police officers in the UK are attacked? I don’t see the logic. Police brutally and racial attacks are never ok. George Floyd should never have died. The police officers involved in his death deserve to be punished and I’m sure with the attention this event has been given they will be made an example of. But attacking anyone wearing a police uniform is wrong. The majority of those doing the job are trying to keep us safe and shouldn’t live in fear of attack because of the job they do.

The world is a crazy place right now with everyone turning on each other at a time when we should be uniting in a battle against a virus which has already killed so many. What happened to the “we’re all in it together” slogan? Covid 19 doesn’t give a toss if you’re black, white, straight, gay, rich or poor. It doesn’t give a damn about what you do for a living. It doesn’t discriminate, all humans are a target. We need to learn to work together and stop fight each other. I’m sick of this world we live in.

[Suzi]

Sorry some of this was down to me! I posted the essay as actually I agree with a lot of what JK was saying. I hear so often from my girls how many in their year (15 - 16 year olds) think that they are trans. This is cool and I'm all for them being able to talk openly about all of this, but I do worry that there are times where people are so desperate for a label that they head down whatever route - it seems that girls who would previously be labelled "tomboys" are now suggested that they should transition.... The same with some boys who are more effeminate... I totally agree that there is a definite case for those who are trans and I do totally believe in equal rights for everyone.

The world is mad though..

[Stella180]

No it was nothing to do with you someone else posted the same thing and went off on a rant about it and then all of she friends jumped onboard. I’m seeing so many posts from people claiming they are poorly treated misunderstood and not treated equally but then they disrespect others. The rioting and violent protesters who are abusing the police, how can they justify their actions? None of it makes any sense. Am I being stupid or something?

[Suzi]

No you're not stupid, but just as an aside a ot of the violence and the abuse of the police wasn't done by the actual protestors. They were groups who had joined to cause trouble...

[Stella180]

Oh yeah I get that. The minority trouble makers ruining it for everyone else but there actions bring out more A-holes.

In other news my Asda order arrived today. 6 substitutes and they were actually all suitable!!! I’m still in shock lol

[Suzi]

Blimey! Well done Asda, I don't think they ever managed that with us..

[Stella180]

I used to have delivery from that a year or two ago and had very few issues but since this lockdown it’s been mental.

[Suzi]

Oh, we've never had a whole delivery!

[Stella180]

Today is a chill day. Even thought there is so much that needs to be done am pretty much drained. Had an order for a few keyrings which I’ve made up this morning and advertised some of the stuff I’ve still got kicking around and hopefully can clear my stock and start from scratch.

[Paula]

A chill day sounds sensible

[Suzi]

I'm proud of you for recognising that you need a chill day..

[Stella180]

I’ve decided that today is a cold beer kinda day so after delivering an order and now hanging up my car keys I feel like a few beers in order. Might even join the group video chat tonight. Of all the fidget toys I own the infinity cube is my all time favourite so I’ve ordered a new one just because. On the last episode of S4 of AoS. Talia is outside sunbathing so we’re all happy.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend.

[Suzi]

Glad you're having a good day love!

[Stella180]

It’s over due. Been battling for a while so glad to just be. Yeah I chose to kick back with a beer or three but we all need a bit of quality down time now and again.

[Suzi]

That's cool... As you say everyone deserves some down time.

[Stella180]

Didn’t sleep very well last night. It was gone 3am before I dozed off, woke again at 5.30, alarm went off at 8 and finally got out of bed at 10. Spent half the night watching You Tube videos and reading the story of the real life person who was the inspiration behind the character of Uncle Tom in Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

[Suzi]

Do you know why you didn't sleep?

[Stella180]

Talia was restless last night and up and down constantly and then I kinda got engrossed in the “Uncle Tom” story.

[Suzi]

Fair enough love. Hope you're having a good day...

[Paula]

What have you been up to today?

[Stella180]

Making a few different style keyrings using the box weave. They look good actually. Another cheap option for the craft fairs when they start up again.

[Suzi]

Well done love! Are you going to run a stall? That sounds brilliant!

[Stella180]

Depends if I can get the Aspie sweat shop up and running lol

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

How are you today?

[Stella180]

I’m ok I think. Lots random stuff going around in my head. Loads of jobs to be done around the house and I’m not sure where to start.

[Paula]

What sort of random stuff?

[Suzi]

Start with the first thing that's in your head...

[Stella180]

None of it matters anymore. Finished of a couple of leftover beers from the weekend, ordered a Chinese takeaway for dinner and watching reruns of the 1996 Euros. It’s been an emotional afternoon but in the beat kinda way. Worth celebrating for sure.

[Suzi]

Absolutely!! :)

[Stella180]

I even bought ice cream for dessert but too full to eat it. Just means more for tomorrow.

[Suzi]

Nom! :)

[Stella180]

Definitely eaten way to much. I can barely move. Absolutely zonked now so should sleep well tonight.

[Paula]

Morning, love :)

[Stella180]

Morning peeps

[Suzi]

Morning love, how did you sleep?

[Stella180]

I slept like a log. Only just dragged myself out of bed as I’m having a thoroughly lazy day.

[Suzi]

Glad you slept well! What are you up to today?

[Paula]

Oooo that sounds like a lush day!

[Stella180]

I have done absolutely nothing all day and it feels good.

[Suzi]

Good for you love!

[Stella180]

This morning the WiFi and landline were down so I took a drive out to pick up some stuff while waiting for the problem to be fixed. Was nice to get out for a bit even if the weather was crap. I’m feeling pretty good right now.

[Suzi]

I'm so impressed that you accepted that there was no wifi and went to do something different and you still feel good! I'm really proud of you!

[Stella180]

Yep. Something has lifted me up to the point where I’m walking on air and a couple of hours without WiFi isn’t gonna change that.

[Suzi]

That's awesome!

[Stella180]

I can’t wait for lockdown to be over so I can go visit some of the special people in my life. I’m gonna be clocking up a few miles when this is over that’s for sure.

[Suzi]

You're amazing!

[Stella180]

You won’t say that when I turn up on your doorstep wearing a “no hugs” t-shirt lol

[Paula]

Pfft, t shirt or no t shirt, you’re getting hugs

[Suzi]

I'm with Paula, you're still being hugged.

[Stella180]

Pfft, t shirt or no t shirt, you’re getting hugs

We had this discussion earlier. So you are going to deliberately cause me distress knowing my sensory issues so you can get your hug fix? What wonderful friends you are :(

[Paula]

Are you going to deliberately cause a chronic hugger pain by withdrawing your hugs? ;)

[Stella180]

Yes! Absolutely. What do you mean withdraw my hugs. I was never a willing participant lol

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

But Paula and I are chronic huggers and we have been in withdrawal during lockdown and you want to add to that? Just for a couple of minutes of awesome hugging? We are professionals you know...

[Stella180]

I ordered myself a mini headphone amp a while back for my guitar and forgot about it. Well it turned up today so I had to get it charged up and give it a go. I’d not picked up the guitar in what feels like ages (it’s probably been about a week) and I quite enjoyed it tonight.

Can’t switch off at the moment with so much going around my head. I’m hoping my meds kick in soon.

[Suzi]

Sounds like you had a good chilled out time. Hope you slept well.

[Paula]

How you doin’?

[Stella180]

Ok I guess mind is still racing due to uncertainties regarding my eldest lad and I need to get something sorted but that means being braver than I feel I can be right now. Gonna just potter around today. I slept ok but still felt tired when I woke up. Only just dragged myself out of bed.

[Suzi]

Write him a letter and get your solicitor to pass it to their solicitor and ask for it to be given to him with witnessed....

[Stella180]

Yeah but finding the words...it’s not that simple. There is a lot to consider.

[Paula]

No, it’s not simple but all he really needs to know is that you love him

[Suzi]

Paula's right. You just have to tell him that you love him and you want him to know that, and to know that you want to be there for him whenever you can and if he's willing you'd like to build a relationship with him. Tell him that you don't want to take him away from his grandparents, but you love him too and would love to spend some time with him.

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Suzi]

Did you sleep?

[Stella180]

Yeah I slept ok. Bit of a strange day today. Father’s Day. 7 yrs since I lost my dad almost to the day so he’s in my thoughts. Also thinking about my boys who have an absent father and how I wish things were different for them. I’ve done some bad things in my life, and made some worse choices. I can’t change any of it but it’s hard to let go of too.

[Suzi]

(bear) I know it's a tough day, but it's not all on you that the father of your children walked away and has chosen on multiple occasions not to be in their lives at all...

[Paula]

I’m with Suzi, his actions are not on you and have never been on you

[Stella180]

Yeah I know but they deserve so much better than what they’ve got from life.