When is it gonna be my turn?

[Stella180]

Well it seems I maybe jumped the gun a bit. I got an apology earlier. Seems we are both in a sensitive state at the moment. Still kinda angry about him getting a hard time for something he hasn’t even done. As s you know I’m incredibly protective over the people I care about but as much as I wanna step in and put the record straight that’s probably not a wise idea. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I hate injustice.

[Suzi]

See? Told you things would be different when the dust settled.... Maybe this one isn't your fight though... Sometimes being a good friend means supporting and not fighting for them itms?

[Stella180]

I know but it’s instinctive. I’ve always been the same. Folk can say and do anything to me but pick on my friends and family and my inner Hulk comes out to play.

I bought myself some mini chicken roasts for dinner and chocolate cake for after. I’ve got plenty of beer left over from last night cos I wasn’t exactly in the mood after what happened. It’ll probably stop there for a while too.

[Paula]

Oh I know all about that protective mumma bear..... it’s really tough biting that lip and I can’t say I always succeed. But you’re doing the right thing

[Suzi]

You are doing the right thing...

[Stella180]

I think maybe I over reacted. I received an apology earlier and while I was cooking dinner there was a knock at the door. I find a 4 pack of beer and a card from my friend. Turns out the person giving him grief is the same person I thought it was and now I’m sitting on my hands so I don’t do anything HE will regret.

Talia’s diet has gone out the window today. I fed her earlier and chucked a bit of cheese in for her as a treat. Tonight she is sharing my birthday dinner with me and has just wolfed down a bowl of chicken bacon and sausage, sodas veg and even a couple of small Yorkshire puds. She’s finished hers and I’ve just sat down to mine lol.

[Paula]

I’m glad he friendship is ok

[Stella180]

Oh and for the record, with the delivery of the 4 pack I now have more beer in the house than I started with last night.

[Suzi]

I'm glad things have worked out well lovely. Oh and it's great that you can see that you may have not seen things as clearly as "an argument" rather than anything more....

[Stella180]

I started to write a really long post about my struggles with friendships and my perception of that but deleted it cos is was just a load of self pitying drivel. I am lucky to have people in my live who aren’t as easily offended by me just being be and I should be grateful to have met such amazing and patient people.

[Mira]

I do believe there is room for both. At times it can be equal and at times you can be lonely and then later feel the love of others. And sharing any of those emotions is ok.

[Suzi]

Mira's totally right...

[Stella180]

I guess I still feel sad about the loss of previous friendships. I have lost so many people I cared about over the years all because of my own stupidity. By not thinking before I open my mouth, or considering there feeling cos I was so caught up in my own world.

Gardener has been this morning and the back garden is starting to look a bit better. I just need to wait for the tip to reopen so I can get rid of all the junk that has accumulated.

[Suzi]

YAY for gardener and working his magic!

How are you today love?

[Stella180]

Hmmm, I started of ok when I got up this morning but mood has slipped a bit as the day has gone on. I sorted my meds out and got my Medisafe app all up to date again. I’ve kinda been ignoring it in recent weeks and that has led to a few mishaps of the meds front, mostly with timings but I’m trying to get myself back on track again. Have made adjustments to a paracord bracelet that was too long and set up an online payment for the gardener and that’s about it. I have retreated back to my bedroom and enjoying some puppy cuddles and trying not to think.

[Paula]

It’s been a fraught weekend andt takes it’s toll. Could you take Talia out for a walk, it might help

[Suzi]

I completely agree with Paula. Getting out of the house and getting some exercise might help..

[Stella180]

I’ll have to wake Talia up to do that lol. She’s actually lay on me snoring her head off. I’ll jest have to enjoy my snuggles a little bit longer.

[Jaquaia]

I knew we made the right decision

[Suzi]

Lol, that's so funny!

[Stella180]

Just back from a Half hour drag through the woods and I feel like I’m dying. You see as nice as it is to have woodland right next to me I am also situated at the top of a hill. That means everywhere is down on the way out and up on the way back. After her nap Talia was full of energy and didn’t wanna turn around to came back when I wanted to so We kept going right to the edge of the nature reserve and came back on the flat footpath along the side. Yeah great idea, this meant the slope back home was that bit steeper!!! I’m not built for climbing anymore so probably gonna need a week to recover. Get a dog they said. It’ll be fun they said.

I need cake!

[Suzi]

That sounds tiring, but awesome!!

[Stella180]

Just need to cook something for dinner and then settle down now and watch The Phantom Menace.

[Suzi]

Sounds like a good plan! :)

[Paula]

Ouch! But worth it?

[Stella180]

Honestly, when I got home I looked like beetroot coloured descendant of Albert Einstein

[OldMike]

I'm the same these days I find hills really hard work.

[Paula]

Honestly, when I got home I looked like beetroot coloured descendant of Albert Einstein

(giggle)

[Stella180]

Second guitar lesson this morning which is tough cos the second joint on the middle finger of my left hand is really painful :( looks like I’m taking notes today

[Suzi]

I sympathise with that kind of pain... (bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

Yep, me too. Hope it eases (panda)

[Stella180]

I have various issue with my manky hands but according to the quacks it’s all down to “wear and tear”. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with and anti inflammatories are off the table due to being asthmatic. It sucks but I know you guys have it so much worse.

I’ve learned something new today (non guitar related). We’ve all heard of fight or flight right? You can add a 3rd F with freeze, but did you know there is a 4th? Fawn. Where you adapt you behaviour to try and avoid conflict by pleasing the assailant and take on responsibility for things out of your control.

[Suzi]

No, I didn't, but it makes complete sense... I've done that in the past, but I didn't know it had a proper F word...

[Paula]

That’s interesting - makes sense

[Stella180]

Took my lunchtime meds and got completely KO’d. Spent most of the afternoon asleep and really struggled to wake up. Doesn’t help having the snuggle pup lay next to me so warm and cute and loving. Suppose I ought to get some dinner down me and watch Attach of the Clones, which I had lined up before I passed out lol

[Paula]

How are you feeling now?

[Stella180]

About ready for bed again. Sick of everything I eat going straight through me. Guts have been iffy on and off for the almost a week. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I still end up feeling sorry for myself.

[Suzi]

Are you keeping a food diary? It really helps me to work out what's setting things off....

[Stella180]

I know what it is and it’s not food related.

Ive just found a football card that I started before lockdown to try and raise funds for Aspie. It’s £1 a go and £20 to the winner so if anyone is interested in having a go inbox me and I’ll let you know how you can take part.

[Suzi]

Stress?
Football card?

[Paula]

What’s the football card?

[Flo]

Yeh...what's a football card? How are you feeling today? Are you still cuddled up with pooch?

[Stella180]

A football card had a bunch of team names on and you take your pick. When it’s completed you scratch off the panel to reveal the winning team.

So far today the furthest I’ve gone is to the toilet. Talia has been out doing a bit of sunbathing but not for long as she is now curled up next to me snoring her head off!

[Suzi]

What's causing the IBS flare?

[Stella180]

Stress. As you said not so long ago I’m pretty much walking an emotional tight rope and it can lead to a meltdown at any moment. It’s hard trying to keep my balance and get to the other side cos stopping halfway isn’t an option.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Stella180]

And people say that I’m tactless!!! Yet I’m supposed to just roll over and take all the thoughtless crap that is dished out to me. Ignorance is not a suitable defence as I’m often reminded. I dunno, maybe I’m being paid back for all the times I’ve messed up but whatever I’m stuck in a situation where I can’t win. I can take it and stay quiet at my own detriment or I speak up for myself and everyone hates me for picking on a “vulnerable person”. So I do what I have to do cos it’s who I am. I stand up for myself and it’s only a matter of time until I get the backlash from it. Another bridge burned. :(

[Jaquaia]

What's happened???

[Stella180]

Probably sounds petty but the chat group I set up that has now been superseded by an “official” chat...I’ve just been asked to “delete the group because it’s confusing”. I feel like someone somewhere has the emotional equivalent of a voodoo doll they are constantly sticking needles into. Like I’m completely surplus to requirements and all the things that have given me a purpose in my life are being taken away from me bit by bit.

[Suzi]

Have you told anyone that this is how it's making you feel?

[Stella180]

Yeah. The person who said it! She is a sensitive soul and also easily manipulated. She was part of the problem at the weekend, and now this. She hadn’t got a clue just how offensive her request was. I came to bed early and stayed away from fb and messenger. Her puppet master, who is not a friend has tried messaging me so I’ve ignored and blocked him. They can play all the games they like but I wanna stay away from it all.

[Suzi]

(panda) hopefully it'll look differently in the morning...

[Stella180]

Determined to make myself feel better today. Started with a nice long soak in the bath while listening to the birds. Have got a grocery delivery a little later so just gonna potter around until that arrives. Still need to sort out all the clothes that need to be thrown out. Need to be ruthless in that task and need to have my bedroom cleared before my new mattress arrives on the 20th. I took advance of a sale and saved over £250! Not sure how I’m going to dispose of the old one unless the tip is open again by then but I sure as hell wasn't paying £35 to the delivery guy to take it. Something else to get chucked it the back garden awaiting disposal.

I’ve decided not to go back to Aspie straight away when it reopens. Since lockdown things have become strained to say the least with some members and staff. Need some time to get my head back on straight. I’m so annoyed that someone who doesn’t even attend has been allowed to get his feet under the table and cause so much disruption. I figured out last night that of all the 40+ regular attendees I only really get on well with 3 of them. I had big plans for stuff we could do to entertain and raise funds for the group but now I cba cos nobody seems to give a toss.

[Paula]

Is it not worth putting up with the 37 to keep in touch with the 3?

[Stella180]

I can do that anywhere.

[Suzi]

But Aspie had such a positive influence on you love. Don't make a decision in haste that you may regret later....

[Stella180]

It’s also having a negative affect right now. So much drama going on and I got dragged into it at the weekend! I need to distance myself from it all at least temporarily.

[Paula]

The real issue with virtual communication is that we don’t have body language or tone of voice to properly communicate and sometimes things come across wrong. You found your tribe, love, please don’t burn any bridges .....

[Suzi]

Paula is totally spot on... Don't burn these bridges love. It's taken you a while to find your tribe, don't push them all away now.

[Stella180]

I’m not pushing anyone away. I’m just taking some time away from it all.

[Suzi]

OK.... As long as that's what you are doing and it's only a temp thing...

[Stella180]

For now yes but I don’t know what comes next

[Suzi]

With regard to....

[Stella180]

Anything!

[Suzi]

Can you try to pull back your focus to one or two issues, not "everything"?

[Stella180]

I know I’m not in the right head space to make any permanent choices so I’m only looking at temporary solutions.

[Paula]

What do those solutions entail? (I can recommend some Winchester action, if that helps (giggle))

[Suzi]

Why is it that this is where my head went...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeJzHSxRq40

[Stella180]

It’s not the same since Season 13 when Mrs. Ackles joined the show. Thankfully she’s only in a handful of episodes.

Tonight I felt like getting (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed. By the time I opened the second can I’d gone off the idea so finished that one and went to bed. Can’t do self destruct properly at the moment. I said to a friend earlier that I really need an epic meltdown with blood snot and tears and destruction, the kind that leaves you wasted and you barely have the energy to lift your head off your pillow and at take days or even weeks to get your (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) back together but when you do it’s like your soul has been purged and you’re born again. Just let everything go.

[Suzi]

If you could do it safely, without the blood etc then I can see why it'd be cathartic.... I do feel that you seem to be lurching from one upset to the next atm.... I am concerned about you..

[Stella180]

I’m concerned about me too. I can’t even fully explain how I’m feeling cos I’m all over the place. This morning for example I was doing ok, and then I checked my emails and of the 26 items I’d ordered from Asda 5 had been substituted, and that was enough to send me spiralling. Something as simple as a delivery of groceries. And then when the order arrived there were no bags and I had to sort that out (priority self isolation customers should have the goods bagged and left on the doorstep). That was just another thing to make me feel bad. It’s all the little things that are going wrong and I can’t handle it. I’m trying, I really am but it’s not getting me very far.

[Paula]

Is it all the little things going wrong or is it a bigger thing that you don’t want to deal with right now itms?

[Stella180]

I don’t actually know.

[Suzi]

I get the frustration with ASDA, that's why we stopped using them - every few years I give them another go and it's still the same so I don't bother with them anymore...
I'm worried that you aren't dealing with each "little" thing at all which is just building and building which is making each next thing seem like a bigger thing itms?

[Stella180]

Maybe. Who knows.

[Suzi]

What things can you do to help you work through some of those things?

[EJ]

I think that the shopping ‘thing’ with lots of substitutions is not just happening to you. It is happening to everyone at the moment. I have experience of this too. I prefer my shopping deliveries early on the morning so I can deal with the fallout. I take it personally too which it is not. I don’t have experience of the shopping coming without bags as mine is always bagged. Maybe you could take it up with them if you have the strength to ?

[Stella180]

I thought I’d take the god out for a quick trip around the block this morning but she had other ideas. As soon as we got near the access to the woods she was crossing the road and dragging me with her lol. I wasn’t really up for it cos my back isn’t great today but I managed a mile circuit without being completely crippled so that’s something. It’s bloody warm out there already. Today I won’t be far away from the fan.

[Paula]

Is she really strong?

[Suzi]

Lol! That sounds fun!

[Stella180]

Nah not really, she just has me wrapped around her paw lol. Clearly she enjoys trotting around the woods so who am to let her down. If she’s happy I’m happy.

[Suzi]

Aww!!

[Stella180]

Kinda excited. I confessed one of my idiosyncrasies that I’ve never really spoken about today. Admittedly I tested it out in an Aspie FB group and it turns out I’m not a complete weirdo after all.

Hot does have a smell!

The relief to know I’m not just weird or crazy and I’m not alone in experiencing this. So many times I’ve been dismissed or told I’m bonkers over things I’ve experienced in my life I got really good at saying nothing but finally I can open up to a community who say “me too”. Probably sounds like I’m getting excited over nothing but I don’t care. I’m not alone!

[Suzi]

Smells hot?

[Stella180]

Ask the rest of your family. I guess it’s just one of those sensory things but was too scared to mention around NTs. It’s an actual thing!

[Suzi]

OK.....

[Stella180]

You think I’m weird?

[Flo]

Oven hot or weather hot?

[Paula]

You think I’m weird?

Erm..... (rofl)

[Suzi]

You think I’m weird?

I need more information about what you are referring to when you say "hot"....

[Stella180]

Oven hot or weather hot?

Both actually but they are slightly different.

[Stella180]

I’m really starting to worry about Talia. Last night and this morning she has been really lethargic, not even the energy to climb up onto the bed. Totally out of character. Something really not right and I’m starting to panic.

[Suzi]

How are you today?

Cross posted - oh no, could it be she's hot? Maybe she's worn out doing lots of long walks? Is she eating and drinking?

[Paula]

Sorry for the question but how are her poos? With mine it was always the first sign of problems

[Stella180]

Poo yesterday was ok. Not seen any today. She has had a drink and managed to munch on a carrot but she’s really not as interested in food as she usually is and she really is lacking energy.

[Jaquaia]

She has had days where she's not interested in food before but not jumping up on the bed doesn't sound like her. I'm wondering if the heat has got to her. It really bothered Toby yesterday. She has got like this before when it's been hot for a few days.

[Stella180]

She was ok during the day it was just at bedtime I noticed she wasn’t right. She’s so subdued it’s kinda scary.

[Jaquaia]

Hopefully it's just an off day

[Suzi]

How's she doing now? Has she got somewhere cool to sit? Is it still hot with you?

[Stella180]

No today it cooler and all she has done today is sleep.

[Suzi]

Aww, hope it's nothing and she's back to herself again tomorrow!

[Stella180]

She’s still not right but I’ve had kisses and seen her tail wagging which is an improvement on earlier today. Still a bit worried about her. I’m thinking she might be in pain cos she is reluctant to use the stairs and She won’t even try climbing onto the bed or even the sofa

[Jaquaia]

She sometimes has an issue with her back leg. The vet put it down to her weight and just told us to get her to rest. Yumove tablets didn't really do much for her.

[Suzi]

Aww poor Talia!

[Stella180]

Whether it’s babies or pets, they can’t tell you what is wrong or how to make it better and it’s heartbreaking.Nobody wants to see loved ones upset, ill or in pain. She has helped my eat some melon tonight which is good.

[Jaquaia]

She loves melon

[Suzi]

How is she today?

[Paula]

How’s Talia? How are you coping?

[Stella180]

I’ve booked an appointment as the vets. I can’t work out what is wrong and it’s worrying me. She doesn’t seem to be favouring her back leg in anyway so don’t think it’s that. She’s started whispering this morning so something is bothering her and we need to find out what.

[Paula]

What time?

[Stella180]

3pm. It’s gonna be strange cos it’s kind of a remote appointment. I drop her off at the back door, a nurse picks her up and the rest goes ahead via telephone if any questions are needed to be answered etc. Really anxious.

[Paula]

That’s the sort of system my vets are using. Whatever it is, hunni, you’re getting on top of it straight off. She’ll be ok

[Suzi]

She couldn't have eaten anything she shouldn't could she?
Vets sound like a good call...

[Stella180]

Typically about an hour before the appointment she livened up again. She definitely isn’t right but I’m telling the vet she’s lethargic and then she almost pulls my arm off to get to the nurse who collected her. She’s having her bloods taken as they are overdue anyway for her thyroid and they are giving her doggy ibuprofen and hopefully that will help if she’s a bit stiff and sore. Bloods are back tomorrow so hopefully no surprises and just rest up for a bit. I hope this isn’t an experience cry for attention. It gives me peace of mind at least. If only KFC were open, I quite fancy some chicken about now.

[Suzi]

Glad she's livened up a bit!

[Stella180]

I didn’t know what to do. She livened up last night and then lapsed again this morning. If I cancelled I might not have got another appointment if needed so decided to go ahead with it.

[Paula]

You did the right thing - as you say, she needed the bloods anyway so that’s a job off the list, if nothing else

[Stella180]

Ugh, just had to switch off BoJo cos his clear as mud statements are seriously getting on my nerves. Just shut up you flaming idiot. “....will be back no later that...providing it is safe to do so”. How can those two comments be in the some sentence? So that’s a definite maybe then with a rigidly flexible date. Moron.

[Suzi]

Sorry I missed your call, was dealing with a crisis of how to get 50 pages of work to a teacher with someone with Aspies, dyslexia and a definite case of "I know best"..... Turns out she didn't and I was right.... lol

And currently talking through criminal law....... :)

[Stella180]

My mates lad managed to accidentally delete all his work from the laptop lol. I can laugh cos it’s not my kid.

[OldMike]

Don't worry Boris confuses me too.

Hope Talia's results come back fine.

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[Stella180]

Stressed, irritable, fed up but trying hard to keep my cool and not throw all of my toys out the pram. On a break during guitar lesson now but there have been a couple of occasions where I’ve wanted to throw the bloody thing across the room. Today is the kinda day I’m glad I live alone, even Talia would rather stay outside sunbathing than be near me.

[Suzi]

What's up? Want to talk about what's going on in your head?

[Stella180]

I don’t really know. Last night before I went to sleep had to block one of the Aspie crew on fb cos he likes to get his kicks trolling people and I couldn’t be bothered playing his games but that’s done. Guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

[Paula]

(panda)
When do you hear from the vets?

[Stella180]

Results should be back today so they will call me in theory this afternoon. Lazy bones is snoring on her bed at the moment. Still won’t even try to get on my bed.

[Suzi]

Have you heard anything?

[Stella180]

Nope. Doubt I will now. I had to go to the pet shop to get food for the birds and stopped of at Lidl on the way back. The difference a week makes!!! Clearly BoJo’s revised lockdown plan included getting stoned with your mates before going shopping and trying to act like a G while elderly people are trying to shop and avoid these morons. It is also fine to walk into people and squeeze past then to get what you want presiding you a wearing a mask and gloves. Honestly it was horrendous and how I managed to restrain myself from screaming at some of the 2hats I don’t know. Anxiety level currently somewhere in the stratosphere.

[Suzi]

Sorry you've struggled this afternoon - I've noticed much more traffic on the roads today... Stupid boris, stupid relaxing of lockdown.l

[Stella180]

Oh and to cap it off the chavvy stoners actually drove away!!! Brainless A-holes. Since getting back I’ve nothing but eat so have taken myself to bed, at least that way if I want food I have to go up and downstairs to earn it lol.

[Suzi]

Are you eating properly atm?

[Stella180]

This afternoon I’ve eaten practically everything in sight.

[Suzi]

So you're not looking after yourself atm? How are you feeling today?

[Paula]

This afternoon I’ve eaten practically everything in sight.

Is that a one off?

[Stella180]

Yeah, I have been picking and stuff like everyone else I suppose but thankfully it’s been mostly fruit, or carrots.

[Stella180]

Well this has gone slightly mental. Having made a few paracord keyring and bracelet sets recently with the idea of maybe making more with the members at Aspie and selling them at craft fairs to raise funds once the world returns to normal, I thought I’d put them up on FB just to see is any friends would like them. I now have another 9 to make!! At £8 that’s not a bad days work raising money for Aspie. I’m actually really pleased with that :)

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Stella180]

It feels good being able to do something worthwhile for a change. I passed out after my afternoon meds and spent the last 2 hrs on the phone to a friend (not the whole time) and catching up on FB. Suppose I ought to get some dinner sorted.

[Suzi]

You seem to sleep a lot after your afternoon meds... What are you taking then?

[Stella180]

Quetiapine. Now you know why.

[Suzi]

OK, do you find it's helping?

[Stella180]

The idea of the afternoon dose is the stop my mental nose dies in the early evening And yeah, on the whole it does help.

[Suzi]

Good, I'm glad it's helping.

[Paula]

Morning!

[Stella180]

Today is grocery delivery day. 21 items, 6 substitutes :( I know it’s not a big deal but it’s like every week I’m getting a kick in the teeth, like yeah we know what you want but you just can’t have it. Almost a third of my delivery isn’t what I ordered. The situation is getting worse not better.

I’m desperate for a shower but I walked into the bathroom this morning, used the toilet and that was as much as I could do so went back to bed. I had planned a route for a nice long walk with Talia if she’s up for it. She’s still not 100% but day by day she’s getting there. Maybe tomorrow we can take that walk.

[Paula]

Can you try another store?

Did you hear from the vets?

[Stella180]

Oh yeah I got a call around 7pm last night. All good. Thyroid levels fine.

I got a new guitar delivered today. Well, new to me anyway.

[Suzi]

That's why we don't use Asda......... Is there another supermarket you could use?
OO new guitar? Nice... How are the lessons going?

[Stella180]

Nothing fancy, but a bit better quality that the one I’d got. The lessons are...going. Tbh is all going a bit too fast for me. Cos it’s a 2hr session, it’s the equivalent of 4 lessons a week and I don’t feel like I’m able to focus enough on the different things to get it nailed down before moving on to the next thing. This really does not come naturally for me so I’m going to see out the last two weeks and then go back to the beginning and work through the material at my own pace. Our teacher has given up worksheets and puts a few videos together each week which I great so easy to revisit what we’ve done.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a plan. 2 hours at in one is tough on the fingers, let alone the concentration!!

[Stella180]

Ok I’m gonna open up a little here. I’m confused. I’m struggling but this time it’s different and I can’t get my head around it. I don’t know how exactly to put it into words but I’ll try.

I’ve been in some pretty dark places in the past. Scary places I never wanna go again. I’ve felt so low that all I couldn’t even lift my head off the pillow. I don’t have to tell you guys what it’s like, but what I’m feeling now is completely different but at the same time so much is familiar and I think it’s because lockdown is allowing me to be this way. I don’t wanna get up in the mornings, personal hygiene has gone out the window, I’m eating so much more not cos I’m hungry but just cos it’s there. I’m living in a cesspit and tomorrow I have to do the washing up cos I’ve run out of stuff to eat off. I’m spending most of my time in my bedroom and I just feel...well I don’t know how I feel. I have nowhere to go, not gonna see anyone, couldn’t have someone in my house if I wanted to and because there is no pressure and no outside influences to make me feel bad about these things I guess I don’t really care. I’m “being kind to myself” by not beating myself up over this stuff. “It’s ok to not be ok”, “we’re all in it together” blah blah blah. I’ve lost all of my motivation. I have realised that on the whole if I don’t contact others, they don’t even thing about me, and that’s fine. I’m obviously way down on their list of priorities. What is missing are the feelings of guilt, hurt, disappointment, loss, embarrassment etc cos thanks to lockdown none of it matters anymore. I’m not in self destruct mode cos the world is already in a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) state and what will be will be.

This doesn’t feel like a depressive episode. For example, this morning I got up with the intention of having a shower. I used the toilet first and that feeling you get in your gut was there. The one that says “I really can’t face taking a shower right now, it’s to much and I can’t do it”. So I didn’t. I went back to bed and that was it. Done. Problem solved. It didn’t matter. I avoid the thing causing anxiety and it went away. I tried picking the guitar up yesterday and couldn’t get anything right so I gave up and walked away. Problem solved again. Does any of this make sense? It’s like I’m in limbo. No mans land. It’s weird in a creepy way.

[Paula]

It sounds fairly normal (or the new normal) to me. I’d bet that the vast majority of people in this country are feeling roughly the same. What we’re all dealing with is difficult and just plain weird. None of us have the skills to deal with this.

My one question, though, is are you able to get out for a walk regularly?

[Stella180]

I’m able to in theory but It’s not happened since the weekend cos Talia hasn’t been great.

[Stella180]

I’m up, medicated (so is Talia), and showered!!! I admit singing along to a bit of MJ helped, pretty sure the neighbours wouldn’t agree lol. Just need to work on getting dressed now but instead I’m just chilling out and enjoying the tunes but I’ll get there. Plan is to get the washing up done which is pretty desperate, get a bit of guitar practice in cos I wanna play with my new toy, clean the birds out, and if I feel up to it maybe a long walk with Talia, although I think there is more chance of that happening tomorrow and she will have to settle for a shorter walk today.

[Paula]

Fab! Proud of you :)

[Stella180]

You can be proud of me what I actually complete the tasks I’ve set myself. Making a plan is one thing. Achieving it is something else.

[Strugglingmum]

You've already achieved something by showering so well done. You've got a plan..... well done. Keep going. Pacing is good

[Suzi]

I think Paula's right - it's definitely a "new normal" kind of thing... It doesn't make it easier when you're constantly trying to fight to actually get out to now be told not to....

Well done for showering! Maybe a short walk would be better for Talia as she was poorly?

[Paula]

You can be proud of me what I actually complete the tasks I’ve set myself. Making a plan is one thing. Achieving it is something else.

I disagree - I know even making a plan when you’re struggling is bloody hard

[Stella180]

I had MJ keeping me company in the shower and while washing up. I’ve stopped for something to eat now before tackling the bird cage. They really are some messy buggers.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely! I'm proud of you!

[Stella180]

Didn’t really do much after cleaning out Lois and Clark. Took my lunchtime meds and took a nap with the snuggle pup. I have put a wash on to justify to myself missing guitar practice and walk. Gonna cook dinner and chill out with Talia and watch Marvel movies all night starting with Black Panther.

[Suzi]

Good choice of movie!

[Stella180]

I watched that and went straight to bed. Wasn’t exactly feeling great. The lazy pup doesn’t want to wake up today. She’s literally got dressed (put her collar on), taken her meds and gone back to sleep. Has been snoring ever since. Not even been out for a wee. I’m not exactly in a great place so I’m more than happy to just chill today. Keep myself to myself and I can’t do any harm that was. Have a good weekend people.

[Suzi]

Why are you retreating?

[Paula]

Not feeling great? Physically or mentally?

[Stella180]

Mental initially which leads to physical. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself.

[Suzi]

Hopefully you'll feel brighter later.... Can you do things to help make you feel brighter?

[Stella180]

I tried picking up the guitar earlier but that didn’t last long. Tried watching Avengers and turned it off part way through. Been watching the Eurovision stuff but I can’t really be bothered with it. I’ve sold my old guitar. Literally been up for 15 mins and had 3 people interested! Probably just gonna go to bed early tonight.

[Suzi]

The Eurovish isn't as good as the real thing! I'm missing it!

[Stella180]

Nah it’s pants. Should’ve just left it til next year. Waste of time and money.

[Paula]

That’s kind of how I feel every year ;)

[Suzi]

Pfft!

[Stella180]

I actually enjoy seeing the performances. You know most of them are going to be overly camp and dreadful but it’s being able to laugh about it. You can’t take Eurovision seriously. I get stressed out over the voting cos that’s the biggest load of political (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) and back scratching ever so I usually switch off then. Rarely does the best song win.

[Suzi]

I LOVE Eurovish! It's so fabulous.... Not so much tonight but I'm still enjoying it!

[Stella180]

I’m thinking I need to switch off the electronics and go to sleep. Best all round.

[Suzi]

Night love, hope you sleep well

[Stella180]

It’s Talia’s birthday!!! She’s had a wonderful time so far. She’s been out playing in the garden with her deflated football (yeah I know, strange dog), we’ve opened her present from Jaq, a beef jerky nylabone. She’s done her proud trot around the house with her new tug toy and squeaky bone, just like Max used to do and while I popped out to the shop she even took a nap on my bed!!! I know cos she greeted me at the top of the stairs in her “don’t beat me master” pose. I’m actually well chuffed cos it means she jumped onto my bed so obviously feeling better. She’s now demolishing a ham bone on her bed. Peter she’ll get her roast chicken birthday dinner.

[Jaquaia]

Not sure if I've said this before but I knew I'd made the right decision ;)

So glad she's being spoilt

[Suzi]

Aww Happy birthday Talia! :)

[Stella180]

Felling kinda emotional today. It’s been awesome seeing Talia all excited about her new toys and having fun in the garden but it’s stirred up so many other things too. Like when she did her trot around the house showing of her new stuff, exactly like Max used to do, made me think about how much I still miss that boy. It also made me realise the importance of friendship. After letting Max go I wasn’t gonna have another dog cos it hurt so much that I let him down and even not just thinking about him brings tears to my eyes. When Jaq asked if I would take Talia I was reluctant. Not because I a didn’t want to help, or that I didn’t love that dog, but because I was terrified of letting everyone down. I’d lost all confidence in myself as a dog owner and I didn’t want to screw up a friendship as well as another dogs life. Jaq and her family really do mean a great deal to me. They’ve always been welcoming and supportive of me and I’m so grateful to have them in my life. By putting faith in me and trusting me with their beloved pet they have enriched my life and given me a purpose again. I love that pup so much and she gives me so much more than I could ever give her. She really is so special in so many ways.

[Paula]

As are you :)

[Suzi]

I agree...

[Stella180]

Wow! The birthday girl can’t take the pace. Bit concerned cos she didn’t eat all of her birthday roast chicken dinner however she did have a bit of melon for dessert. Tucked her up in bed about half hour ago and she’s stayed upstairs. Not like her at all. She rarely strays far from my side especially in the evening/night time. Maybe it’s just an age thing that has happened all of a sudden but it’s still worrying when a change in behaviour occurs. I don’t like it.

[Suzi]

Oh love, sounds like she might be overwhelmed! See how she is tomorrow? She's been really spoilt....

[Stella180]

She’s such a sweetheart. Hard not to love this beautiful baby

[Jaquaia]

She often did take herself up to bed. It was funny when she would sit by the door waiting for me and if I didn't move fast enough she would huff and go on her own (giggle)

[Suzi]

Crash does the same when he thinks I'm meant to be going to bed lol... He sleeps at the top of the landing (normally with his head on the stair below or on Moiya) ;)

[Stella180]

Gardener is coming around lunchtime today and gonna get through a few more paracord sets I’ve been asked for. Might even have a go on the guitar again. I can’t be crap for ever surely lol.

[Suzi]

Hoorah for the gardener!
You can't expect to be able to play like Slash in a few hours lol... Give it time.

[Stella180]

I’m struggling with chord changes and it is soooo damned frustrating.

[Paula]

Guitar is way more difficult than people assume - give yourself a break ;)

[Suzi]

I can't play the guitar. Have tried many times, but my fingers just don't cooperate!

[Stella180]

Got a text confirming delivery of my new mattress on Wednesday. You know you’re getting old when you get excited over something so mundane.

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

Hey that sounds ridiculously exciting to me! :)

[Stella180]

Especially when it comes with a one year trial and lifetime guarantee!!! Almost sounds too good to be true.

[Stella180]

Another day where my mood has been up and down like a fiddlers elbow. I’m just about ready for bed now. Some days I guess doing stuff to pick yourself up seems a waste cos it’s short lived. I’ve tested out one of my new embossing powders, been out playing ball with Talia, cooked dinner, had a go on the guitar, made some paracord stuff. It all seems to be for nothing cos all I wanna do is curl up under the duvet.

[Paula]

Surely having moments when your mood is up has to be better than constant downs?

[Suzi]

Are you keeping a mood diary? Just a basic one will do to see if there's a correlation in times of day and mood etc?

[Stella180]

I’m not good with mood diaries. Not a tool I find useful.

[Stella180]

I think I swallowed a bunch of razor blades in the night. My throat is so sore. I woke up at 7.15 and went to the loo and then got back into bed which was definitely the right choice cos I got 30 minutes of the most amazing puppy cuddles to help me feel better. I don’t know what I’d do without Nurse Talia.

[Paula]

:( rest, fluids and no going out!

[Suzi]

Yup I have to agree with Paula...

[Stella180]

I have to take Talia out a little later to drop of a trolley token to a friend on the estate. Another £2.50 in the Aspie pot.

[Suzi]

Are you feeling any better?

[Stella180]

Yeah it’s eased off now. I’ll live.

In other news, took Talia to get weighed a short while ago and I was amazed. First time she’s been weighed since being on her thyroid medication and it must be helping cos her weight is down to 16.5kg!!! It’s lot of weight she’s lost in a short amount of time really cos she’s only been with me for 3 months but I guess there have been lots of changes regarding diet, exercise and meds so I guess that’s all paying off. Still 5kg above her ideal weight but that will come off slowly but surely. I really am so happy for her, I even had to buy her a new ball and a treat cos she clearly doesn’t have enough new toys after her birthday lol

[Suzi]

Aww! Well done Talia!

[Paula]

Slowly but surely is the best way - well done Talia and well done you :)

[Stella180]

Talia’s weigh in was the highlight of my day. Even though I had seen for myself the changes from day one I certainly didn’t imagine the loss was that drastic and I know that is mostly down to getting her thyroid sorted but it’s great to see it on the scales. I love that little snuggle monster so much and I guess it feels good to know that I’ve done something right by her.

Since then there have been tears this afternoon. Just a little over emotional. Thinking about all sorts of stuff. I need to call the estate agents and try and get this valuation sorted for Legal Aid ASAP. I’m desperate to see my boys again. I know it’s difficult at the moment anyway but I miss them so much it hurts. It’s been 17 months since I spent any meaningful time with them. I know many families are finding it hard being apart due it this virus for the parts couple of months and that is just a taste of what my life has been for so long. There aren’t words to describe how broken I feel. Some people think that because I don’t talk about them much I don’t care but it’s the opposite. I can’t talk about them cos it hurts too much but sometimes I can’t hide away from the reality, distract from the truth and it all comes flooding out and I can’t control it. I can’t breathe, I feel completely drained, can’t do anything but cry and I know I need to be stronger, that I have to bury that pain and fight for my family all over again.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Oh hunni.... (panda) (bear)

[Stella180]

New mattress has arrived!!! Woohoo. Now what kind of idiot orders a new double mattress during lockdown when they have no one to help carry it up the stairs? Yeah that’s right, this idiot right here. My body is probably going to complain a lot tomorrow (right shoulder and back already a little unhappy) but at least I’ll have a nice comfortable sleep.

[Suzi]

Oh no! I hadn't thought of that! Would be interested in your reviews ;)

[Stella180]

Well so far it feels a bit weird going back to memory foam and going from a 7in to an 11in I can tell you Talia is unimpressed cos she definitely can’t climb up onto my bed now. I got a couple of memory foam pillows with it which are a lot higher than I’m used to so not sure how that is going to work out long term. Between the extra 4ins and the pillows it’s affected my iPad viewing angle so I need to make a few changes for extra comfort. A couple of ideas running through my head about that. As for general comfort it’s looking good so far. Will let you know in the morning.

[Paula]

I love memory foam! Hope you had a comfy night :)

[Stella180]

Well I can tell you that I gave in to Talia’s whimpering this morning and picked her up onto the bed. She immediately made herself comfortable and started snoring lol. I think she approves. My neck and shoulders aren’t great this morning but I kinda expected that after lugging stuff around yesterday. Need to check how many substitutes I end up with on my order today. Dreading opening the email.

[Jaquaia]

You need doggy stairs! ;)

[Suzi]

How was the shopping?

Awww Talia!

[Stella180]

29 items ordered. 5 not sent and 3 useless substitutes. It is gradually getting worse. Currently lay on the bed cos new mattress lol. Need to get my ass into gear, got a ton on laundry to be done and I’m running out of plates again. Really need to sort myself out.

[Suzi]

Have you thought of trying a new supermarket?

[Stella180]

I’m going to have to at this rate. That’s almost a third of my order I didn’t get. It’s really not good enough. I’m just worried about getting a slot with another supermarket.

One side it my mattress is firmer than the other. I don’t understand why.

[Stella180]

I’m getting stressed over doing nothing. I came upstairs earlier with the intention of reading, and so far I’ve browse FB, attempted to place an order with Sainsbury (gave up) emailed the mattress supplier about the level of firmness, but I still haven’t opened the book I wanted to read after almost 2hrs. And people wonder why I feel like such a failure all the time.

[Suzi]

I wonder how one side is firmer than the other!

It's not a failure to have been distracted doing other things....

[Stella180]

But it’s something that happens far too often with me. Whether it’s household chores (yesterday it took 2hrs to swap the mattresses, stripping and remaking the bed) or chilling out with a book I’ve been wanting to read. At least now I know that Executive Dysfunction is a genuine thing and common amongst people with mental health issues, ADHD/ADD, autism (why had I not heard of this years ago?) so I know it’s not just laziness, but it doesn’t help to get things done. I still haven’t posted the video/pics to the estate agents yet cos the place is a complete (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) tip and an embarrassment. Losing the support of my cleaner due to lockdown had made everything so hard. What she could do in 2 hrs would take me 10 times as long. I’m just totally fed up with my way of life and being “kind to myself” and not “beating myself up” doesn’t change anything.

[Suzi]

No it doesn't change that the jobs are still to be done etc, but the hope is that you won't push yourself to meltdown level....

[Stella180]

But what other choice do I have? Nobody it here to help me so if I don’t do it then it doesn’t get done. That is a fact! I can’t win whatever I do and it’s so frustrating. I hate my life.

[Suzi]

You do have choices. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing"... You could set a time and a routine to do certain things which might help? Maybe do 20 mins in the kitchen, then stop etc...

[Stella180]

But I still end up falling behind. Like I say, no one to pick up the slack :(

[Suzi]

A while ago someone pointed us in the direction of flylady - it's scary, but it can help.... http://www.flylady.net/

[Stella180]

I’ll take a look.

I think today is the day my power goes off. Some maintenance is going on and I’m likely to loss the electric for a few hours. I’ve already got loads of stuff planned to do while it’s off. It sounds kinda strange but it’s the waiting that’s getting to me. I know it’s going to happen I just don’t know exactly when so kinda edgy at the moment.

[Stella180]

I’m a twat! It’s next week the power is off. Oh well, best get my ass into gear and sort this place out

[Suzi]

Just take it step by step... Each thing you do today you don't have to do tomorrow

[Stella180]

I’ve sorted the washing up and had an argument with someone on FB. Some people are so damn it’s unreal. Some dude posts something saying “don’t but these balls, my dog nearly choked on one”. I tried to point out that if isn’t the balls fault, it’s the owner who thought saving a bit of money getting a smaller size was a good idea not thinking it would then become a choke hazard. Easy solution, but the correct size toys for your pet. Apparently I’m wrong. Oh well.

I’ve sent the pics over to the estate agent. Totally embarrassed about the state my home is in and begged her not to judge me. I suppose it helps to keep the value low lol need a figure under 100k to get Legal Aid. Because it’s a concrete build its hard to get a mortgage so the value is affected because of that. When I bought the place I never had any intention of moving again so not like I wanna sell up. Keeping everything crossed that we can get this all finalised. This has been going on since October due to the complicated situation and we haven’t even applied to the courts yet! I did get confirmation that the mediation certificate is with the solicitor now so not long hopefully until the application goes through and I can get to spend time with my boys.

[Suzi]

It's so easy for a simple comment to turn into a full blown row on fb!

Well done for doing the pics for the estate agent.

[Stella180]

Been out delivering the paracord stuff today, just dropping them through letterboxes. Everyone seems really happy with them so I’ve decided to post on FB Marketplace and see if we can raise a bit more money for Aspie. We’re up to £85 so far which isn’t bad for sitting on my butt tying knots in string. I wanna break through the 3 figure barrier if I can. Apart from that I’ve done a whole load of nothing today and can’t see that changing. I’m lay on the sofa with a soppy dog between my legs watching brain dead tv. Not moving. Not thinking. Total relaxation.

[Suzi]

Well done on the money raising, sounds like it's going really well!

[Stella180]

Need to get a few more of the trolley token keyrings done. They are quick and easy and at £2.50 I should be able to get rid a few.

My brain is turning to mush. I’m watching Ancient Aliens and it crazy so many people believe this crap. Apparently the reason we haven’t found the missing link is it doesn’t exist because extraterrestrials came to earth and altered our DNA. Lol

[Paula]

Whole lotta nothing? You’ve created. Listed for sale. Got off your backside to deliver. Doesn’t sound like nothing to me!

[Stella180]

I’ve not moved in about 2.5hrs and nor has Talia. She’s spark out so couldn’t move without disturbing her anyway. That’s my excuse and sticking to it.

[Suzi]

As long as you don't beat yourself up about it tomorrow...

[Stella180]

Nah, even decided to get a few beers in. Chatting with one of the old JOY workers I got on really well with and she helped me so much.

[Mira]

Sounds like a good evening. Enjoy :)

[Stella180]

I got a bit emotional over the weekend. Between lockdown and trying to sort this legal stuff it’s all taking it’s toll. I’ve had lots of puppy cuddles to try and cheer me up. I’ve called the vet and sorted snuggle pups meds and waiting on my inhaler being delivered. I’ve bought I battery operated pressure cleaner so I can clean the car on the driveway. No hosepipes or power leads, just a bucket and a lance. Nice and easy. Sold another bracelet and a lanyard and got an order for 5 more sets so broke through the £100 barrier easily. Quite proud of myself.

[Suzi]

Well done love! That's really cool!
Want to talk about the emotionalness?

[Stella180]

Probably best not to. It’ll only start the waterworks again.

[Suzi]

(panda) (bear)

[Paula]

You should be proud of yourself!

[Stella180]

Most of you have probably seen my creations but just in case...

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