When is it gonna be my turn?

[Stella180]

Honestly, I left the black door open for her to come and go as she pleased.

[Suzi]

But you still got up and opened it...

[Stella180]

Tonight been on a video call with some of the Aspie crew and started another music battle with them. Some good tunes with good friends on an easter weekend even if it is only via the internet instead of the gathering we were going to have this weekend

[Suzi]

It's good you have some continuity and are able to meet up in some shape or form...

[Stella180]

And getting together over music makes it even better. Had everything from Five Finger Death Punch to the Beatles!

[Suzi]

That's fabulous!

[Stella180]

Good morning all and Happy Easter! It only took me 2 1/2 hrs to get out of bed this morning lol. I’ve managed to sort my meds for the next 3 weeks and have placed an order for my inhalers. Even Talia has her own dossett box, only cos I can never remember if I’ve given her the meds or not and need a visual aid. I’ve got so much that needs to be done but I really don’t know where to start. Determined to get something productive done today though so might start a list of jobs for the week and go from there. Check me out being all organised and stuff!!!

[Paula]

Awesome post!

[Suzi]

Hooray!! A fabulously positive post! :)

[Stella180]

List writing not going as well as I hoped. Got a few annoying little things on for today, and a couple of essential things. I’ve tried my hardest to break it down into manageable chunks but some jobs I’m finding harder to break down as the week goes on. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually but hit a brick wall for not so walking away. Anything to avoid overload and meltdown. I’m going to go for a drive and drop off the Easter eggs to the dynamic duo. Not going to stick around just dump them on the doorstep knock and run.

[Suzi]

Going to the boys seems like a good thing to do. Still being positive about achieving something today is also brilliant.... If you wanted to say what the things were that you were struggling to break down, maybe writing them here and seeing if we can help at all might be a plan?

[Stella180]

Guess who is only just back from seeing the boys? Spent ages chatting with their grandma and the boys came down for a short while. The little man didn't stick around for long, he wanted to get back to playing a game on the xbox with his friends but my eldest sat on the stairs by the front door and we had a nice chat about rubgy tickets, and school stuff and what he's going to do after and it was great. If only we could have these kinda conversations more often. I feel on top of the world right now and cos it's taken me 3 hrs to deliver a couple of eggs the chores have gone out of the window. My roast dinner has been replaced by a chicken and stuffing sandwich and a bag of crisps from the shop on the way home. It can all wait until tomorrow.

[Jaquaia]

I think that's far more important than chores!!!

[Angie]

I'm with Jaq x

[Suzi]

OMG That's amazing!!!! I'm SOOOOO pleased for you!! YAY!!!!

[Stella180]

I'm chuffed to bits about having a conversation with my lad. Apparently his projected grades are pretty good but he doesn't wanna go to sixth form and is interested in an electronic engineering apprenticeship. I'd be happier if he went back to school but it's ultimately his choice.

[Strugglingmum]

What a great way for today to turn out.

[Paula]

That’s awesome! I’m sooooo chuffed!

[Suzi]

That apprenticeship sounds fab! Electronic engineering has great prospects! If he's found something he loves then I hope he grabs it in both hands and goes for it!

[Stella180]

He’s been doing really well in science, especially chemistry and finds the subject easy so I was kinda surprised he didn’t wanna go further along that path. His dad did electronic engineering so he’s kinda following in his footsteps. So long as that’s the only thing he follows his dad for. I am a bit worried about the youngest. He didn’t really seem all that interested and considering how he was always begging to come home with me the 16 months has clearly impacted on him. All I can do is keep showing up on special occasions so he knows I’ll always be there for him in any way I can but I get a feeling that the damage done can’t be reversed and I’ll never have him back the way he once was.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart no one knows what's going on for him - you certainly aren't being given the opportunity to find out.... Give him time.

[Paula]

Sweetheart no one knows what's going on for him - you certainly aren't being given the opportunity to find out.... Give him time.

This and ........ he’s at that age. Hormones do weird things

[Stella180]

Somebody call DynoRod, I've just had a shower!!! My personal care seems to have gone out of the window of late as well as my surrounding being in a bit of a state. I'm at the point where it's all going too far and I'm struggling to get on top of it. I have a feeling of dread come over me at the thought of putting the laundry away, or sweeping the floors or tidying my bedroom. I know I will feel better once it's done but trying to push myself past this invisible barrier to get it done it is so tough. Just taking a shower and I feel wiped out. I have my list of things to do but it's prioritising the jobs I'm finding hard and that little voice in my head saying "must do better, you're a failure". I'm no quitter and I will get there cos I have to but I feel dead on my feet.

[Paula]

Then I hope you’re resting before you think about the next job! Well done for that bit of self care (bear)

[Suzi]

Your little voice in your head is wrong. You don't quit and you are stronger than you'll ever give yourself credit for being.... You can do this.

[Stella180]

I got as far as doing some lunch (which involved swearing and tears), washing up (even more swearing), (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing everyone off (cos heaven forbid I should speak out when my feeling are getting trodden all over), and vegging out on the sofa with the snuggle pup. Maybe I’ve got myself all worked up over nothing but it doesn’t feel like nothing to me. Avoiding social interaction for the rest of the day so as not to cause more upset to myself or others.

[Suzi]

Hold on.... Who has trodden over your feelings? What has happened?

[Stella180]

I changed the photo and name of a chap group I started months ago for the Aspie lot, much to the dismay of someone who only joined the group a couple of days ago. Someone else is adding anyone he likes because stupidly I turned off the approval needed function and I just feel like it’s all got out of control and I snapped. I’m just having a bad day and everything I tough turns to (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) so I don’t even know why I bother trying.

[Suzi]

Right, stop and breathe. You and I both know how upset someone can get even with what seems like the most minor of changes when ASD is in the mix... So remember that to you it might have been a small change, but to them it could make such a huge difference that it sends them into a full meltdown....
WRT the one adding people, ask them to stop and kick people you don't think should be there - it's your group, so take back the control....

[Stella180]

Change? It was a change 3 days ago to be included. She didn’t even know the original group name but had noticed a message to say I had changed it. I don’t care any more. Have left the group so they can do whatever they want with it.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a bit of a knee jerk reaction love.... I understand it's not the brightest of days, but does this mean you're going to miss out on the contact from the rest of the group over the actions of a couple?

[Stella180]

Yes! It absolutely does. These people who don’t like change have already moved on and there’s no room for me on the bus.

[Suzi]

Give it some time, you may want to join in again... Don't burn all your bridges lovely...

[Stella180]

I’ve not exactly been great the past couple of days but I have just signed up to a 5 week beginning course to learn guitar online. Haha, seemed a fun thing to do and I have been promising myself I’d learn at some point. Need something to give be purpose right now.

As for the group chat Suzi, that’s done. Apparently some other members have set up a new “official” chat group and I’ve not been invited. I think that speaks loud enough. Let them get on with it I say.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry about that group love...

Well done on the guitar learning! :)

[OldMike]

Learning guitar sounds like fun acoustic or electric?

[Stella180]

Acoustic

[Paula]

Great skill to learn!

[Stella180]

My first “priority delivery” from ASDA arrived today and I don’t know what to do with so much food! I’ve got tons of fruit and carrots which I suppose I’ll have to share with the snuggle pup lol I’ve got a few ready meals and tons of drinks. Trying to work out what to have for dinner tonight. I’m not used to so much choice.

[Suzi]

Yeah!! That's brilliant!

[Stella180]

Went with chicken Kiev, followed by lemon tart. Lots of yumminess. Oh and I actually got around to doing the roast dinner last night. First time I’m ever seen Talia’s bowl so clean.

Despite the novelty of a full fridge, I’m still feeling a bit sorry for myself so headed up to bed early with the gorgeous little snuggle pup who I caught posing earlier and had to take a pic. She is such a pretty little lady.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear) Hope tomorrow is brighter...

[Stella180]

I’ve just done something I may regret later. I have received some money from my brothers estate and to be honest I never really expected anything seeing as me weren’t on speaking terms for the past few years. Anyway I’ve just ordered a new iPhone, the first brand new phone I’ve bought in a long time and a pretty big purchase. Dunno what possessed me and already starting to feel guilty cos I don’t really deserve the money and spending it feels wrong especially on something as stupid as a mobile phone.

[Paula]

It’s not stupid, it keeps you connected - especially important right now. And as for not deserving it? That’s crap - he gave you that money for a reason, and shows he still loved you despite everything that’s happened. As for not deserving it, nobody deserves any inheritance. It’s not about deserving, it’s about that person showing they that you were important to them and I hope that, every time you use it, you can remember the brother who loved you

[Suzi]

I couldn't have said it any better than Paula..... Use it, remember the good times and keep connected with those you love... Seems like a very worth while purchase to me..

[Stella180]

But I already have a phone that works fine. I’m perfectly able to use that to stay in touch. I didn’t need to blow a ton of money on a new one. So many other practical uses for the money rather than indulging in expensive tech. I guess it’s something else to hate myself for.

[Stella180]

This week I have been irritated by practically everything. I’ve tried to pull the positives from stuff but it doesn’t feel right, like I’m just trying to force feed myself BS. I don’t want to play online games with people, I don’t want to video chat or talk to anyone. There’s nothing on tv I wanna watch, can’t be bothered with the craft stuff, I’m just fed up with everything and everyone. I feel the frustration building up so I walk away from whatever it is to try and cool down but I’m running out of things to do other then stay in bed.

[Paula]

But I already have a phone that works fine. I’m perfectly able to use that to stay in touch. I didn’t need to blow a ton of money on a new one. So many other practical uses for the money rather than indulging in expensive tech. I guess it’s something else to hate myself for.

Well don’t. You’ve treated yourself for what is the first time in a very long time, perhaps years. That is never something to hate yourself for.

[Suzi]

I completely agree with Paula.
You have to find a way to be kind to yourself - you are grieving, poorly and struggling with lack of contact and continuity which are all massive triggers to a melt down.... You've ordered a phone. That's a good thing. When was the last time you spent money on you without it being a necessity? Better than spending it on general shopping or take aways or beer.....

[Stella180]

Oooh beer! Think I might have a couple tonight.

[Stella180]

Oops! I seem to have accidentally been up all night watching Live Aid. Can’t believe it’ll be 35 yrs this summer since that took place.

[Flo]

Thought I was the only saddo up at this time of day haha! As for the inheritance ....don't question it just enjoy it! Remember, there's no taste in nothing in life! Besides if everyone refused inheritance, it would probably just go back to the Crown! Enjoy your new phone.....life is to be enjoyed, not endured! I'm full of silly little sayings like that. So, like you....I'm running out of recordings, B all worth watching on the tv, sick of crosswords, the bits are hard to find for my new jigsaw and I'm fed up baking cakes...but apart from that I'm fine!!(rofl) Might do some weeding later....

[Suzi]

How much did you drink? Did you eat?

[Paula]

Couldn’t agree with Flo more!

[Stella180]

I had more than a should’ve and yes I did eat eventually even though I went to the loo and Talia nicked my food! We were not friends for a while after that. But we’re all good again now she’s given me some lovely cuddles to say sorry.

This morning I took delivery of a new set of landline phones as mine weren’t working properly but I don’t want to disconnect the old ones. I still have a couple of messages saved on the answer machine from my baby boy, and I don’t wanna lose them. Nothing special about the messages but it’s not like I get to hear his voice lately. I know I’m gonna have to bite the bullet at some point but I just wanna wait a little longer, and prepare myself to do it. New mobile is coming tomorrow so that’s exciting. No more home button so might take some getting used to. It’s gonna be weird. One of the things I’ve always loved about the iPhone is that functionality has always been very similar throughout the range over the years but first it was the removal of the headphone jack and then the home button which Im actually a sad about. The round home button on the iPhone was iconic. I’m rambling. I’ll stop now.

[Suzi]

Have you eaten today? If Talia ate your food, did you eat a proper amount? Can you play the message and record it?

[Stella180]

I’ve only had a bit of chocolate so don’t think that counts as real food. Need to cook dinner and gonna have Spaghetti Bolognese

[Suzi]

I'm really concerned that you're not looking after you properly. You aren't eating properly, you're staying up all night and you're drinking more than you should - is this just a couple of days blip or is it more of a longer term thing?

[Stella180]

Hmmmm if I’m totally honest I’ve not been looking after myself consistently for a while. I’ll have a push for a few days and try to get myself straight and then I slip back again. It nothing unusual for me to either eat constantly or have nothing at all, I’m trying to stay hydrated but again it’s hit and miss. Yeah I had a bit of a blow out last night but this week has been really tough and I feel like nobody really understands. I needed to let off steam before everything exploded. Retro tunes, a few beers while having a virtual party with friends and a few laughs was much needed. Anyway I better go cook some dinner before it gets too late.

[Suzi]

So why aren't you looking after yourself?

[Paula]

We’re not going to understand if you don’t talk, hun....

Ok, so this weekend hasn’t gone to plan - can you start afresh tomorrow? Eat properly, hydrate and just be kind to you?

[Stella180]

So why aren't you looking after yourself?

Cant be bothered. Why get washed and dressed if no one is gonna see me? Sometimes the energy to prepare a meal feels like it’s more than I’ll get from eating it. I don’t see the point in any of it.


We’re not going to understand if you don’t talk, hun...

Ha, yeah. I’ve tried and even the people I thought would understand just done get why I’m so upset. Like I’m in the wrong for feeling the way so do. I mentioned about the chat group here and elsewhere and I’m wasting my time trying to make people understand. It’s easy to just say, yep, everything is my fault, I’m a tosspot and we go join the other shodows lurking in the corner of the room.

[Stella180]

New gardeners have turned up this morning and in just an hour it already looks better. The front of the house looks respectable again, just need to get the driveway jet washed now. The back needs a lot of work but at least the grass is cut and one of the hedges been cut back so we’ve made a start. Have managed to put a load of washing on this morning and tried to put some clothes. I say tried cos the wardrobe collapsed invoking a lot of bad language and a small tantrum on my part. Think I might just go back to bed.

[Jaquaia]

For the best part of a year, my last single bed was propped up with old uni textbooks as I bounced on it and snapped the main length! Saying that, my first double when I moved back in with my parents was propped up with old uni textbooks as we snapped the middle support leg/bar.

Got more use out of those uni textbooks propping up broken beds then I did with my degree... (rofl)

[Stella180]

I really cba to drag everything out to fix it. Yet again a simple task turns into a major job and I don’t need that on a Monday morning.

[Suzi]

Cant be bothered. Why get washed and dressed if no one is gonna see me? Sometimes the energy to prepare a meal feels like it’s more than I’ll get from eating it. I don’t see the point in any of it.
Ha, yeah. I’ve tried and even the people I thought would understand just done get why I’m so upset. Like I’m in the wrong for feeling the way so do. I mentioned about the chat group here and elsewhere and I’m wasting my time trying to make people understand. It’s easy to just say, yep, everything is my fault, I’m a tosspot and we go join the other shodows lurking in the corner of the room.

Talk to us, tell us what's going on... No one is suggesting that it's "your fault" or anything similar....

New gardeners have turned up this morning and in just an hour it already looks better. The front of the house looks respectable again, just need to get the driveway jet washed now. The back needs a lot of work but at least the grass is cut and one of the hedges been cut back so we’ve made a start. Have managed to put a load of washing on this morning and tried to put some clothes. I say tried cos the wardrobe collapsed invoking a lot of bad language and a small tantrum on my part. Think I might just go back to bed.
YAY for the gardener!


I really cba to drag everything out to fix it. Yet again a simple task turns into a major job and I don’t need that on a Monday morning.
Do you not just need a new one?

[Stella180]

No don’t need a new one. It’s one of these kinda DIY push fit racks and to fell apart. It’s easy enough to actually fix but it means sorting out all of the clothes that hit the floor so I can get in to fix it and put it all back in. It might sound mad to you but I just wanted to put some coat hangers with t shirts on a rail. I wasn’t prepared for what came next so need to kinda build up to doing it.

[Suzi]

OK, I do get it actually ;)

[Paula]

Totally get that!

[Stella180]

It's arrived and OMG it is sexy!!! I am of course talking about my new iphone 11. Only went for the basic model cos even I wouldn't be willing to blow over a grand on the pro. I'm pretty sure 3 cameras is more than enough without adding a 4th. I've had iphones for years right back to the iphone 3G, but I have NEVER owned a brand new one so this is quite a novelty to have the latest handset. I decided to go with the Red because Apple donate money to support HIV/AIDS programs from the sale of those handsets. it was that or the purple (which is actually lilac) so I did the charitable thing. It'll keep me occupied setting it up and playing with the new features this evening so thats my boredom buster for the day.has made

Oh and I recieved a card in the post from one of the counsellors at Aspie. She also sent me one of the masks she has made which is really kind of her so that put a smile on my face too but you cant see it behind the mask, lol.

[Suzi]

Yay! Glad it's here and you love it!
What a lovely thing from the counsellor!

[Paula]

Oooo exciting *goes off to see when my contract is up*

[Stella180]

what are you running at the moment Paula? iphone 8?

[Paula]

Yeap.

[Stella180]

It’s strange not having a home button anymore but Face ID makes accessing your phone quicker and easier while still having great security.

[Suzi]

How are you doing today? Did you sleep? Eating? Drinking?

[Stella180]

I slept fine. Still in bed with the dog. Gonna go have a shower in a bit and try to feel a bit more human. Got a ton of washing that needs to be done and need to fix the wardrobe. There are a ton of things to do but trying not to think about it all course I know what will happen - I’ll get stressed and end up doing nothing.

[Stella180]

Decided to get some insurance set up for my phone. I’m scared to use it at the moment without a case and screen protector. Very nerve wracking. I got an text from the GP confirming that although I am considered vulnerable due to my collection of ailments I am NOT in the “extremely vulnerable” category meaning NO SHIELDING!!! Always nice to receive good news.

[Suzi]

YAY! That's great news!

[Stella180]

I’ve just been to Tesco and stocked up on yellow label bargains to celebrate lol

[Suzi]

Lol! (rofl) (rofl) (rofl)

[Stella180]

Had to book an appointment to collect Talia’s meds. Vet only letting one person in at a time. The system at pets at home was very similar to visiting a prisoner. Halfords have moved the counter to the front door so no one can go inside to browse. Tesco has a one was system (which is being ignored), the tape that cordens off the queueing system outside as flapping everywhere and causing a trip hazard and there is a severe lack of common sense shown at the tills for example, the plastic screens are up directly in front of the cashier but customers have to stand to the sideof it/ end of packing area to pack shopping so what exactly is the point? Nobody has a clue what they are doing out there and after several weeks of this still people are running around like headless chickens and have no idea what is going on or how to go about their business safely.

[Suzi]

At least places are trying.....

[Stella180]

Yes they are but it’s so clear that little to no real guidance is being given to retailers and businesses that remain open during this difficult time. They’re all just winging it and hoping for the best. I’ve not having a go, I’m just saying that with no clear and uniform way of working it must be so scary for workers and customers alike cos what is deemed safe practice in one store is seen as high risk to another. I know these changes were brought on us all of a sudden but why are manages not looking at the processes in place and making chances to improve their practices? Why haven’t government ministers giving better guidelines and working practices to look after both the staff putting themselves at risk day in and day out, and to help these businesses to make it work for them cos what I’m seeing is lost revenue and higher staffing costs and difficult customer experience. Everybody is losing out.

Anyway never mind all that. Tonight Talia and I dined on yellow label cuisine tonight, steak (half price), Jacket spud, mushrooms (75% off) and peas. She can forget about having steak on a regular basis though cos this was a treat for both of us and why I bloody love the reduced shelves.

[Suzi]

Lol lucky Talia!

Did you sleep last night? It's good that you ate last night, are you taking better self care?

[Stella180]

Woke up about 6.30. Postman has just been with a special delivery. My replacement/upgraded iPad I won on EBay arrived so something else to play with today. Yesterday was actually a good day and self care was fine. Some days it’s a real struggle to even get out of bed but we all know what that’s like. Had a really weird dream last night about giving birth to twin girls. Probably best not to think too much about that. Need to attempt to put doggy moisturiser on Talia’s paws. That’s going to be fun.

[Paula]

What’s up with her paws?

[EJ]

I hope your day goes well Stella xx

[Stella180]

Cheers EJ.

Paula her pads are dry and rough so invested in some oatmeal butter to see if it will help.

[Suzi]

Aww she's getting a spa treatment day!

[Stella180]

She really is! She was trying to lick it off as I was putting it on lol it does smell good and all natural.

[Suzi]

Aww!!

[Jaquaia]

That doesn't surprise me (rofl)

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Stella180]

Honestly? I was ok but after my lunchtime meds I went for a lie down. Since I got up I’ve not felt so good. The whole point of my afternoon dose is the help with the severe dips I was getting early evening time but today not as affective as I would like.

[Suzi]

Sometimes things take a dip, you know that love. I'm sorry it hasn't been the best of afternoons xxx

[Paula]

Have you been eating? Drinking?

[Stella180]

Yes I’ve been eating and drinking and medicating. Settled in ready for sleep now.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you today?

[OldMike]

Yes I’ve been eating and drinking and medicating. Settled in ready for sleep now.

That's good, I spend my days eating, drinking, medicating, video gaming and gardening these days.

[Stella180]

Not brilliant but I have been having lots of cuddles with Talia this morning and she has managed to find time for some sunbathing already. It really does help having her around, she is my little ray of sunshine.

These dreams I’ve been having, although technically not nightmares, have taken a toll. It’s as if my subconscious is attacking me, pointing out all of my failures and making me feel inadequate all over again. I also jumped on the scales this morning cos who doesn’t need an added reason to feel bad, and I’ve put on a load of weight. Ironically, this news has made me want to curl up on the sofa and eat a load of crap.

[Suzi]

Do you want to talk about your dreams?

[Stella180]

I mentioned before about a dream about giving birth to twin girls. In the dream which of course is far from accurate but it was a natural birth and relatively simple pain free and straight forward - everything the birth of my boys actually wasn’t, and the fact it was girls, my mum always wanted a granddaughter but ended up with 4 grandsons instead. In the dream I even gave one of the girls my mums name.

The second dream was I bit strange with lots of stuff going on which is complicated to explain but it involved dogs wandering in and out of my home, and me not fully looking after them and a visit from my cousins showing off a new baby and then then asking where my baby was at which point I realised that I didn’t actually know where it was or what had happened to it and didn’t do anything to try and find it.

[Paula]

Oh sweetheart, that second one does sound particularly nasty (panda). Is that a new one? When did they start?

[Stella180]

Just the past couple of days.

[Paula]

Are you worried about taking care of Talia and the birds at all?

[Stella180]

A couple of weeks ago I started having these thought that I couldn’t shake. I don’t know why or how but I was convinced that one of them was gonna die. A lot of faith has been put in me by good friends, allowing me to take on these animals and that they will be well cared for. The guy who gave me the birds has a snake too and has said if anything happened he would want me to take care of that too even though I have no experience reptiles. As nice as it is they have that kind of faith in my it’s also a lot of pressure especially when I don’t share that faith. I’ve screwed up so many times. Of all the dogs for example that I’ve had over the years I’ve never had to go though the pain of their deaths. They have either been surrendered, stolen or simply gone missing. What does that really say about me? I even lost my own children cos I wasn’t fit to care for them. Everything I touch turns to (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) and I fail in looking after myself never mind anyone or anything else.

[Flo]

Who knows where these dreams come from Stella? I have weird, upsetting dreams to the point where I wake up crying my eyes out! Some so real - and surreal - that I'm afraid to go to sleep the following night. We have no control over our dreams. They're distorted playbacks of incidents in our lives that seem to get dredged up from our subconscious. Mine seem to occur if I eat late just before I go to bed....if I'm worried about something that I don't think I can handle....whatever the reasons, I try not to dwell on them..easier said than done I know but it's got nothing to do with the fact that you think 'you're doing it all wrong', you aren't! Reality is when you wake up and enjoy the dog and the other animals in your care that are grateful to be with you. You feed them, clean them entertain and love them. From where I'm sitting it looks like you're doing it all right!

[Paula]

I know you struggle to trust yourself to look after Talia and the birds, but I also know you trust Jaq completely. So can you trust that she trusts you to look after Talia, and that she’s rarely wrong about anything?

[Jaquaia]

Can I have that on a certificate? (giggle)

[Suzi]

Hunni, you can do this. You ARE doing this. They are all being loved and cared for, treated like princes and princesses and spoilt rotten. What more can you do?

I hate dreams like that and I used to get them fairly regularly so know how upsetting they can be. I had a couple hit me out of the blue last week and it was horrid, left me with a really horrible feeling all day..
(bear)

[Paula]

Can I have that on a certificate? (giggle)

(rofl)

[Stella180]

I’m constantly freaking out though. Especially with the birds. I’m scared to open the windows in case I forget to shut them when I let the birds out of the cage. Or leave a door open so they get out of an upstairs window or something and I lose them. Maybe my fear is justified, maybe it’s not, I don’t really know and I don’t wanna find out the hard way.

[Suzi]

I can understand that. Could you put something over your windows? A friend of mine has made frames and has netting over it to stop her house cats from getting out, but still allowing her to open the windows....

[Paula]

That’s an understandable fear which anyone would have. I would be freaked out by that too. But the fact you are freaking out shows that you care, which is the main requirement for looking after animals. You’re intelligent and good at working things out so, work the problem :)

[Stella180]

Last nights dream was about a car crash. I’d love to have a dream about happy stuff for a change.

[Suzi]

What were you watching/doing before bed?

[Stella180]

Hmmmm, watching For All Mankind. A fictional show about the space race

[Paula]

Did you have anything to drink?

[Stella180]

Meaning? No, there was no alcohol, just tomato juice and super malt.

[Paula]

Ok, no offence meant only I just know my dreams are dodgy after alcohol so wanted to double check

[Stella180]

I’d love to know have often you guys think I drink? Yeah I had a blow out on Saturday but that was it. I like to have a couple every now and then but not all the time.

[Suzi]

I was thinking high sugar levels? With the juice and the supermalt then it's highly likely you were high on sugar levels?

[Stella180]

I’m pretty sure tomatoes aren’t high in sugar.

[Suzi]

No, I've just double checked that - sorry, but I don't know what you had for dinner and I imagine the supermalt would have a higher sugar level.. Anyway it was only a suggestion to try to find out what was causing the dreams...

[Stella180]

I dunno but I was a reasonably good girl over all yesterday. Not always true I admit but believe it or not I do try.

[Suzi]

I'm pleased you try. I think you're too important to not have around...

[Paula]

Suzi’s right, we don’t nag to be a pain in your ass, we nag because we love you!

[Stella180]

I know but ya still a pita ;)

[Paula]

(giggle)

[Stella180]

I’ve been lay in bed since 8.30pm. It’s been a bit of a strange evening. One of those where I know I'm feeling something I just don’t know what or why. Just a bit out of sorts. I was hoping to be asleep before now but still, doubt I’ll be conscious for much longer. Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

[Suzi]

How are you today love? Did you sleep?

[Stella180]

I’ve made a start on doing some stuff around the house. Trying to keep it low key so as not to get stressed out. If that means starting something and then moving on the something else before finishing then so be it. I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. I’m living in a cesspit right now. The whole place is disgusting so anything I can do is better than nothing. Trying not to let myself get overwhelmed so if that means stopping and walking away from something after 5 mins that’s what I’ll do. I don’t expect I’ll get much done but it getting started

[Suzi]

Well done for deciding not to beat yourself up about it lovely... Just remember that each thing you do you don't need to do later....

[Paula]

That sounds very sensible :)

[Stella180]

I got a bit carried away making bracelet and keyring sets. Oops. Oh well, back to it.

[Suzi]

Lol! How's it going?

[Stella180]

Not so good. I’ve taken some recycling out and done the washing up and wiped the counters and then I stopped to get something and not got back up again yet. Need to go take my afternoon meds so might have a sort out in the bedroom for a bit. Need to get rid of some of my old clothes.

[Suzi]

Hey, stop looking at what you haven't done and look at the fact that you have done stuff! You've taken out recycling, done the washing up and wiped the counters. Those are really good things. Be positive!

[Stella180]

Added a load of washing to the short list of things I have achieved today. Not a great deal but it’s a start. Gonna clean the bathroom tomorrow I think cos I cba tonight.

[Suzi]

It's a huge amount when you aren't feeling good....

[Stella180]

Got a takeaway for dinner and then came to bed early. Waiting for my meds to kick in now and hopefully got a good nights sleep.

[Suzi]

Hope you slept well love..

[Paula]

How you doing?

[Stella180]

Alarm went off as usual at 8 but I didn’t crawl out of bed until 11.30. It was kinda weird cos he brain wouldn’t compute. I tried to reply at 9.30 this morning but I was just typing a load of gobbledygook so I gave up.

Fancied a BLT for lunch only to find I’ve got no L. Not impressed but I did buy this beautiful juice last week and just opened it. Apple and Rhubarb. Absolutely to die for.

[Paula]

To be fair, the b and t are the best bits ;)

[Suzi]

OOOO Apple and rhubarb? Sounds delicious!

[Stella180]

It smells amazing and tastes even better. My plan to blitz the bathroom hasn’t gone to plan. I got as far as emptying the bin. Now chilling watching a Nat Geo show about the King Cobra.

[Stella180]

Bath scrubbed, sink cleaned and toilet scrubbed. Still not done everything but at least the main items are clean. It’s a start at least.

[Suzi]

Sounds like you're moving in the right direction with everything...

[Paula]

It’s more than I’ve done today - you never give yourself credit, lovely ......

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds productive.... I've done little to nothing. Maybe I should go clean

[Stella180]

I’ve been pretty lazy today. There is so much stuff that needs to be done I should be making more of an effort to get in front of it all. I need help to organise things cos I’m not good at it. I like to keep everything close at hand so my house gets soo cluttered it’s unreal. I have too much stuff but I don’t like letting it go either.

[Paula]

You haven’t been lazy. Pacing is not being lazy

[Stella180]

Oh yes, I have been lazy. Tons of stuff I couldn’t done but I just looked at it and said “nah”.

[Strugglingmum]

Well you inspired me to go clean the upstairs loo and wash basin...... I even gave the window a rub.

[Suzi]

Would you say that I'd been lazy if I'd done what you've done today?

Or what if I told you I've helped load the dishwasher, done some crochet, played the piano and sat outside trying to help Marc by "positively encouraging" him...

[Stella180]

I’d say there is a huge difference between you being a mum and wife with physical pain and me as an able bodied single woman with no dependents. Plus it’s not a competition. I know I was capably of doing more today but I actively chose not too. I’m not being hard on myself I’m just being honest.

[Paula]

You always hold yourself to a far higher standard than you do the rest of us. I don’t understand why but I do know you’re wrong in that. You’re not lazy, I’ve never known you to be lazy. But I do wonder if it’s more that you can stave off the dark thoughts if you’re constantly doing things?

[Suzi]

I completely agree with Paula. I do worry why you think you have to be doing more, or that nothing you ever do is good enough.... You ARE more than good enough...

[Stella180]

I spend most of my life either in bed or lay on the sofa watching (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) on Netflix. I really don’t do a lot cos that would involve having a life, I’m regularly told to get one but not found any online sellers as of yet. If you saw the state of my home you would understand where I’m coming from. I don’t try to compare myself to others because we’re all different. I can only say what kind of life I wanna live and it’s not happening. Their are many reasons for that, and a lot of them are out of my control but I can look to myself for ways to improve my situation and I’m not exactly doing a great job of looking after myself and my home. That is a fact! I need to do more, I don’t have any other choice.

[Suzi]

Then maybe set yourself achievable goals? Little by little?

[Stella180]

That is what I’m doing! I just happened to mention that I had a bit of a lazy day today and I got told off for it. :(

[Suzi]

But I think it's because you called it being "lazy" when it is in fact more to do with pacing.... And you aren't setting little goals, your goal is to sort the whole house all at once...

[Paula]

And it’s also about your perception of what you’re doing - calling yourself lazy, saying you ‘need to do more’ and that you’re ‘not doing a great job’. You’re constantly beating yourself up, which isn’t healthy.....

[Stella180]

Ok, whatever.

[Paula]

(rofl) you sound like Jess !

[OldMike]

I agree Paula, Stella sounds like a young teenager (rofl)

[Stella180]

Mock me if it makes you feel better.

[Suzi]

I don't think anyone's mocking you. We're all coming from a place of love and wanting to help you to see that you don't have to be perfect in your eyes to be doing really well x

[Stella180]

You know what, I actually felt ok last night. No I didn’t get a lot done but that was ok. The fact you all pounced on me because I used the word “lazy” has only made me feel 10 times worse. Go back and read through what I said again cos you seem to have completely missed the fact that I was ok with how things turned out but got so caught up in my choice of words managed to twist everything. I know you didn’t mean to cause any upset but that’s what happened. I’ve had a Crappy morning where lying in bed is about all I can achieve and I’m just grateful to Talia for her amazing puppy cuddles.

[Paula]

Mock me if it makes you feel better.

I didn’t mean to make you feel I was mocking you, I was just having a joke but I’m sorry if you were hurt by it.

As for whether you were ok with things yesterday or not, I still stand by what I said. Saying you were lazy is putting yourself down horribly and I don’t think you should be ok saying that about yourself. If someone else said that to you, it would be horrible and completely out of order, so I don’t understand why you you would do that to yourself. As your friends, we were just trying to make you see that you’re not, nor have ever been, lazy. I wouldn’t accept it if someone else said it to you, and I won’t accept it when you say it to yourself.

[Suzi]

Paula's right. You are very far from lazy. I hate that you think of yourself so negatively.... Actually your posts don't sound as if you were remotely pleased with what you achieved yesterday...

[Stella180]

Yeah of course, you’re all right and I’m wrong. That’s usually the way this works. I best stfu before I make a bigger arse of myself.

[Suzi]

That's not it at all.... Please don't react like that. It's not a case of "us vs you" at all. We are trying to explain how we are seeing things....

[Stella180]

Look just forget it. It’s fine.

Talia’s birthday present has arrived today. A nice new Julius K9 harness which will hopefully be more comfortable for her when she’s out and about. Bloody wants to be for the price!

I’ve not been having a great day. Have spent most on it in bed. Only got up to have something to eat and back under the covers again. I’ve been getting dizzy spells again and my stomach hasn’t been good either. I’m actually getting quite used to this lockdown. That in itself is quite scary.

[Suzi]

Brushing it off with "it's fine" doesn't make it so though... I hate that we've upset you, and I was hoping to explain what I was meaning, not make things worse... I'm sorry.

Dizzy spells? Have you checked your sugar levels? Are you eating and drinking properly? Do you not think you should speak to your Dr?

[Stella180]

Brushing it off with "it's fine" doesn't make it so though... I hate that we've upset you, and I was hoping to explain what I was meaning, not make things worse... I'm sorry.

I don’t wanna drag it out. You’re all focussing on the wrong thing and I don’t wanna fall out with anyone so best to just drop it.


Dizzy spells? Have you checked your sugar levels? Are you eating and drinking properly? Do you not think you should speak to your Dr?

It happens occasionally but not in a long time til today. I’ve spoken to the quack previously and he can’t pinpoint a cause. It’s like when your drunk and the room starts spinning, I lose my balance and I can’t visually focus on anything. It only lasts a few seconds and then I’m fine again but it’s happened 3 times today so far.

[Suzi]

Vertigo? Do you have a blood sugar monitor?

[Stella180]

Make that 4 times! Yes I have a monitor but I never use it.

[Suzi]

Might be worth trying to use it - especially when the dizziness hits. It could be high or low blood sugar...

[Stella180]

No it’s definitely not that.
I’ve got my first online guitar lesson tomorrow morning. It was delayed by a week due to low numbers signed up but got confirmation that’s starting tomorrow. Now the time has come I’m not as excited as I thought I’d be. That inner bully is telling me not to bother cos it’s not worth it and I’ll only make a fool of myself and I’m not cut out for it etc etc. But then when did I ever listen to anyone else, and I don’t quit easy so I will drag myself through the next 5 weeks (2hrs per week) whether I enjoy it or not cos it’s paid for and I promised myself I’d do it.

Oh and my lovely sibling took my car tonight. I’ve learned that she is finally getting her car mot’d after driving it around since the middle of Feb without a test certificate!!! She is such a moron it is unreal. I can’t believe we’re actually related. Before anyone says about the new rules about mots during lockdown because hers ran out before everything hit the fan she’s not covered. If my dad were alive to see her abusing his car the way she does he would be beyond annoyed. It makes me so angry.

[Stella180]

Oh well so much for the guitar lesson. Was supposed to start at 10 but still not got the zoom link. Messaged the tutor but no reply. So bloody annoyed. Now I’m left in limbo not knowing what the hell is going on or what to do with myself. Aaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!

[Paula]

That’s not good! Has it been sorted yet?

[Stella180]

I contacted the administrator and apparently there have been “internet connectivity issues”. Not sure how that stops a text message being sent or received but eventually I got a call apologising. Gonna possibly try again tomorrow. I’m not good with change and uncertainty. Today it pretty much a write off and can’t make plans for tomorrow cos I don’t know if the lesson is gonna happen or not. Elevated anxiety as a result. Not having the best week so far :(

[Suzi]

I'm sorry it didn't happen this morning. Hope it does tomorrow.

[Stella180]

It’s the frustration of the build up, setting up the tech, tuning the guitar only for it to be for nothing and now because it hasn’t happened the whole day feels out of sync as a result
.

[Suzi]

I can see that.. Have you been able to change your day around and do something different?

[Stella180]

I had a big fat pizza delivered for lunch and now I feel worse. At least there is left overs for dinner. Took my meds and having a lie down with the snuggle pup.

[Suzi]

Worse in what way?

[Stella180]

Cos I already know I’ve put on a ton of weight and then I sit scoffing a huge pizza cos I’m feeling sorry for myself and the regret hits that I've just wasted good money on crap. Having a shower and an early night cos I need to reset for tomorrow and try and get myself back on track.

[Paula]

Fingers crossed tomorrow’s a better day (panda)

[Stella180]

Didn’t get to sleep until 2.15 this morning and was wide awake again at 6.40. I was going to get out of bed but Talia came and rested her head no my Armand fell asleep so I couldn’t possibly move now and disturb her ;)

[Suzi]

How are you doing now? What plans have you got for today?

[Paula]

How’s it going so far?

[Stella180]

The guitar lesson went ahead this morning but now I know why lessons are usually 30 mins long. My left hand is aching and let’s not talk about my fingertips! It started off ok but toward the end I was really struggling. Still, I managed to get a few chords down so all good. Need to turn my brain off again now for a bit cos it’s getting a bit scrambled.

[Suzi]

Glad it went ahead! Did you enjoy it?

[Stella180]

Yeah but not sure I’m cut out to play an instrument with my manky hands :(

[Suzi]

Sorry missed your call - was sticking my fingers together.... You OK? I'm sure you'll be able to play love x

[Paula]

From my experiences with the cello, your hands and fingertips will toughen up with practice. Well done, lovely :)

[Stella180]

Not feeling great. Mood is pretty low today and my grocery delivery has just turned up with the one thing I was looking forward to having been substituted. I’ve not ordered any naughty snacks either and right now I just want to eat a load of crap, crisps and chocolate etc. That’s probably a good thing but still munching on fruit doesn’t have the effect.

[Suzi]

What was substituted?
What's the weather like? Could you get out and go for a walk? It might lift your spirits a bit?

[Stella180]

I went to bed and enjoyed some amazing puppy cuddles with Talia. She really is such a loving pup. I Was looking forward to a Lamb Moussaka ready meal, and it got swapped for Lasagne. And they had no raspberries so sent strawberries instead which you think would be ok but I already had strawberries on the order so now I have two punnets! I know it sounds really petty I moan about a shopping order but I just wanted something to pick me up and instead it feels like the opposite has happened. As for the weather it’s been raining most of the day.

[Suzi]

You seem to be spending a lot of time in bed atm - is that accurate or am I mistaken?
I've just made vegan lasagne for Fern and I for tea ;)
Are you still in contact with the crew from Aspies? What about the counsellors?

[Stella180]

I suppose I am. Still in touch with some of the Aspie crew.

[Paula]

Can you try to get out for a walk with Talia tomorrow?

[Suzi]

Can you speak to one of the counsellors about how you are reacting to things?

[Stella180]

Not really. I don’t feel comfortable talking to them.

[Suzi]

Is there someone who you do feel comfortable talking to?

[Stella180]

Not really. There’s not much to say. Just having a bit of a low patch.

[Paula]

Is there really not much to say?

[Stella180]

Like what? There’s nothing specific that I am aware that is causing it, and definitely nothing I can control.

[Suzi]

There's lots to say. You seem to be sailing so close to meltdown over things that seem to be more trivial - yes I know that's a non Aspies view of things and you seem to be really angry a lot....

[Stella180]

Ah, on the subject of which, Monday is the anniversary of the day everything fell apart for me on this forum.

[Suzi]

Is it? I'd never have remembered that...

[Stella180]

I remember it like it was yesterday :(

[Paula]

You’re here now, And I’m very grateful for that. Do you think you could try not to focus on what happened then, and focus on where you are now with the forum?

[Stella180]

But where I am now is because of what happened then. In a way it changed my life forever and it’s not all bad.

[Paula]

That is true

[Suzi]

It's not all bad at all love, so maybe acknowledge the not so good bits, but actually celebrate all the good things that have come from there?

[Stella180]

I actually looked back at the posts on that day and I actually used The word “meltdown”. I guess I can see that is exactly what it was. I freaked out cos I couldn’t access the forum and when it did come back everything had changed and I couldn’t understand how nobody else could see it or why I reacted as I did. I still believe it justified but now I get it that you guys just aren’t as blessed as I am when it comes to attention to detail ;)

[Paula]

I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you talk about that time in such a positive way

[Stella180]

I look back now and see it as the beginning of me gaining my diagnosis. That incident pretty much screamed Aspie I just didn’t know then what I know now. Attention to detail + unexpected change + disrupted routine = major meltdown. Nothing felt right from that day on and I went from one disaster to another cos nothing felt right. I was never gonna come back and believed that those bridges were burned to ash but here I am. I have a lot of making up to do. Yes I’m sure there with be times when I stress out and hit the self destruct button over the “little things” and I apologise in advance. Believe me nobody feels worse than I do when I finally get my head back on straight. I promise to try my hardest not to make you regret inviting me back.

[Paula]

Speaking for myself, I’ll never regret you coming back :)

[Suzi]

I don't regret asking you to come back. I also don't think you have any making up to do either!

[Stella180]

Yeah well I feel like I have plenty to make amends for.

[Suzi]

But, just for the record - that's your perception of it. I don't think you have anything to make amends for. As far as I'm concerned it's all over and done with.... Draw a line and move on itms?

[Stella180]

That’s not an easy thing to do for me. I’m determined to earn make the trust of each and everyone of you.

[Stella180]

It has been decided! Tonight I am having a Birthday party. I have beer, and chocolate and crisps and thing there is a slab of Genoa cake in the cupboard. If anybody would like to join the party let my know. I’m starting a messenger group and there was be giggles on there and a video chat If anyone wants to get involved with that as there may will be music too and I intend to make the most of it. So who is gonna pop in and help me celebrate officially entering middle age? It’s a bloody miracle I got this far. Lol

Oh and the bad news is you have to supply your own food and drink cos you know, lockdown and all that. Should be fun.

[Paula]

That’s not an easy thing to do for me. I’m determined to earn make the trust of each and everyone of you.

I know it’s not easy for you but it’s the only way you’re going to be at peace with yourself

[Stella180]

Then I’ll rephrase it. I need to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again and prove that I’m sincere.

[Suzi]

I can't make tonight I'm afraid... But I'll provide virtual booze and biscuits! :)

Thing is you think you need to make it up, but I bet none of us see it that way at all... Not that you're wrong, just that I see it very differently...

[Strugglingmum]

I didn't realise it was your birthday. Happy birthday (party)

[Stella180]

I didn't realise it was your birthday. Happy birthday (party)

Tomorrow and thanks. It’s Saturday night and rather that going out out, I’ll be staying in in.

[Stella180]

Well that’s just great. So much for a party night. One of my best mates at Aspie has just pretty much just told me to (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) off. Absolutely gutted. I try to do the right thing by people and is comes back to bite me in the ass. Don’t know why I bother anymore :(

[Paula]

What happened?

[Suzi]

What happened?

[Stella180]

Yesterday someone shared a video on the Aspie FB group without the consent of the person in the video and I called him out on it, that he was breaching GDPR (he’s admin or something on the page). The person in the vid was my friend. Well he posted something on Facebook about being accused of stuff by others, and I asked what was going on, but my concern was misinterpreted and it’s all my fault cos of what I said yesterday so clearly he’s getting (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) over it all which is completely unfair cos it had nothing to do with him but I’m the big bad guy now who is to blame for the whole (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) show. Yet again I try and do the right thing and it all turns to crap and I end up losing someone I care about as a result. Safe to say it’s put a real dampener on the evening. Why does this always happen to me?

[Paula]

Sweetheart, don’t automatically assume you’ve lost him. People argue or get upset by things, it doesn’t necessarily mean that’s the end of the relationship. If it was, I’d be divorced hundreds of times over! I suggest just letting everyone cool down, then calmly have a conversation

[Stella180]

It’s a common theme with me. I always screw things up :(

[Suzi]

It's not screwed up love, it's a disagreement.... Wait for the dust to settle and it'll all sort itself out.

[Paula]

Ok, this is not something I’m proud of but I’m going to tell you anyway. About 20 years ago, I went with my oldest friend to Ibiza. One night, we went to one of the famous clubs and got absolutely wrecked. Now, remember, I wasn’t some silly 18 yo, I had a 2 year old baby. We got into a huge, drunken fight back at the apartment, I slapped her hard and she bit me on the shin(I still have the scar). It could have ruined our holiday and screwed up our 16 year friendship but what actually happened was we slept, sobered up and talked it out the next morning. We’re still great friends even now, she’s godmother to both my kids and I’m godmother to both hers. I’d trust her with my kids’ lives.

As I said, it’s not an episode I’m proud of except that it’s proof that a disagreement doesn’t have to spell the end to a friendship.

[Stella180]

The thought of you getting in a bitch fight is kinda funny. Oh and for the record, not drunk. He’s deleted the FD post I replied to where he made it perfectly clear everything is all my fault. I give up. Every time I get close to people I mess it up. I’m better of just keeping my distance from everyone cos I only end up hurting the ones I care about.

[Paula]

Maybe he deleted the post because he’s ashamed of what he said. Maybe he’s concerned he’s hurt you. Please don’t assume that he thinks you screwed it up .....

[Stella180]

Well I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. I feel awful that he’s getting crap over my actions and it’s probably because the people doing it see him as an easy target are don’t have the guts to say anything to me.

On a positive note, I did get lots and lots of puppy cuddles over night. She’s still snoring and I’m still snuggled up with her. I love this mutt so much. She is amazing.

[Paula]

(panda). Talk to him, apologise and explain you didn’t want to upset him. Sometimes it’s not important who’s right or wrong, just that it gets fixed.....

[Suzi]

Happy birthday!!!
I completely agree with Paula....

[Stella180]

He made it perfectly clear last night that he didn’t wanna hear from me. Maybe leave it a few days and see what happens.

[Suzi]

Yup, leave it and wait for the dust to settle...

[Paula]

Sounds like a good idea