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chris61
11-12-19, 05:44 PM
Hi, This is my first post since my last depressive episode 3 years ago. I was really pleased and grateful to have found and received the help and support that this forum offers last time around and am hoping it will help again.

Over the last month or so I have found myself falling back into the black hole of depression again. Redundancy, parents ill health, personal health problem (myelitis), the death of our beloved 17 year old cat along with a tricky patch in my relationship seem to have combined so i find myself waking up the last few mornings feeling extremely down/ like I would like 'god' to reach down and strike me down with a heart attack or some fatal malady so I don't have to deal with feeling so drained, exhausted, isolated, lonely and down all the time. Its all so familiar from 3 years ago and just as horrible.

I have continued taking my 50g sertraline since my last episode but was in the process of trying to wean off it when everything came on top again. When that happened I went back to my normal 50g dosage again and after 4 weeks on this I spoke to my doc who recommended going up to 100g. Over the last 2 weeks I have been doing 75g doses with the aid of a pill cutter with the intention of making the transition to 100g smoother (I was going to start the 100g over the next few days). I have been taking the 75g in the morning.

The thing is that I have been feeling awful on waking, especially the last 3 or so days. I was wondering if people here have had any experience of taking the 2 tablets in a 100g dose at 2 separate points in the day - maybe 9 in the morning and 9 at night - in order to regulate the dose and spread the medication's effects across the day??? I have no idea if this would make any difference at all.

The doc also said that there might be a chance that, as when I started on the original dose, I would feel worse at first before feeling better.

I would love some advice if that's possible.

Also I seem to be drawing a blank on google but I would really love to find some sort of support group/ meeting in North London if anyone is aware of one. I have one friend who I am able to talk to about depression as she's also goes through it but I worry abt 'overloading' her and would love to find a group of people to share with on some sort of regular basis.

Thanks again

Suzi
11-12-19, 06:42 PM
Hi and welcome back. Sorry you're feeling crappy though. Just as a reminder any dose change of meds will take somewhere between 4 and 8 weeks to fully get into your system and you get all the original side effects for the first couple of weeks - each time you change dose.
By cutting your pills you will not have been getting exactly the same dose each day which is only going to make you feel worse.....

Sounds like you've had loads of horrible things happen, so it's no surprise you are struggling... I'm really glad you went to see your Dr and came back here too. You could always see if your local Mind group is running anything or your local CMHT might have a self refer group too...

Paula
11-12-19, 07:05 PM
It would probably be sensible to go up to the 100mg dose as soon as you can. Cutting pills is never recommended. But, yes as Suzi says, it’s going to take several weeks and you’re likely to feel worse at first. Does your partner know? Are they able to support you?

Mira
11-12-19, 09:36 PM
Hello and nice to meet you.

I am not able to give you advice on the meds. I did start taking the same medication 2 weeks ago but its my first time and I am on 50mg myself.

Not from around London so I am not able to help with a group. But it is a good idea and I do hope you can find one.

chris61
11-12-19, 09:43 PM
Thanks for your replies and help. I am surprised that it isn't better to go up to 100 gradually but it makes sense as it chimes with what the doctor said. He said the way to go was to take 1 then 2 every second day for 2 weeks but I thought that would be a bit up and down dosewise. Have been taking care with the pill cutter but yes it prob isn't the same dose every day. Will try and get in touch with the doc tomorrow and see what they say re going up to 100.

My partner does know a bit - have just been saying that I have been feeling a bit down and have been underplaying it for fear of worrying her that we are going back to the place we went to 3 years ago.

Thanks so much - have a feeling I might be back here more regularly and I really really appreciate the help.

Paula
11-12-19, 10:04 PM
It’s possible that involving your partner now, while it’s only a recent dip, could help prevent you from going to where you were 3 years ago itms

Suzi
11-12-19, 10:19 PM
Definitely talk to your partner! As the partner of someone with mental health issues I always know when my lovely husband, Marc, is struggling- trust me, it's so much easier if he talks to me about it an tells me exactly what's going on.

magie06
12-12-19, 03:11 PM
Just because you were bad 3 years ago, doesn't mean that you will get that bad this time. For one thing, you've recognized the symptoms and for another you've done something about it straight away.

Jaquaia
12-12-19, 03:47 PM
I agree with these ladies. I always know when my partner is struggling and vice versa. It's better when we know what's going on.

chris61
13-12-19, 07:21 PM
Thanks again. And got to say your advice re my partner makes a lot of sense. Been together 17 years or so now so think she might have some idea about where I'm at head wise! My dad was taken into hospital yesterday and that's not helping the mood either. In London and they're in Liverpool so cant just nip over anymore.

I have taken the dose up to the 100 agreed with my doc since yesterday. Really hoping it helps. Feel so cut off from everything and everyone. Sure i'm not saying anything new but its such a lonely illness, don't feel I can explain how I feel to anyone without sounding full of self pity and don't think anyone could really understand anyway.

So glad this forum is here.

Paula
13-12-19, 08:47 PM
Well done for upping the dose. Keep talking - that really does help and we all understand

Suzi
13-12-19, 09:05 PM
Hope that your Dad is OK lovely. It's so hard when they are hours away...

Well done for upping the dose. Remember that it'll take a while to get into your system...

Mira
14-12-19, 06:34 AM
Good job on increasing the dose. I hope it will have an effect as well for you.

Family can have a huge impact on how we feel. Both good and bad. Sorry to hear your father is in hospital. Its weekend now. Can you make it there?

Hope your weekend will be a bit better.

chris61
15-12-19, 08:32 PM
Hi

And again thanks for the posts. Not been up home this weekend as was up there last weekend and siblings have been in to see him regularly. He's feeling better apparently but my mum who is at home alone now and 84 not great either with a terrible chesty cough she seems to have had for over a month. Also not eating properly and very down - tbh I think she could do with some Ads but she would never go to the docs for them I don't think, may talk to her about it next time we're face to face.

Meds upped for 4 days now and moods (and stomach) all over the place. Really feeling isolated and a bit scared abt what is going on in my head. Mostly very down. Just got back from a family thing pre xmas with the wife's folks and cousins etc and their kids and I really struggled not to run for the car and head off - felt so uncomfortable and wanted so badly not to be there. We got a couple of kittens on Fri after losing our cat about 7 weeks ago and despite the fact that they are extremely cute (what kittens aren't?) I just don't feel connected to them. Its horrible not to feel compassion for a lovely defenceless animal that you hope is going to be part of your life for a long time.

The only part of the day I enjoy is the feeling of getting into bed at night and knowing another one is done. Dim lights and a book are abt all I can enjoy. All feels so out of step with whats going on everywhere with xmas and the ideal families being thrust down your throat at every commercial. Plus feel like a complete grouch for feeling that way - so miserable and guilty for feeling miserable.

Thanks again, not sure if anyone feels the same way right now but I do know that some people on this board def have or do and that's such a relief

Paula
15-12-19, 09:57 PM
(panda) have you talked to your wife yet?

Suzi
15-12-19, 10:17 PM
It's not going to be like this forever. Hang on in there. Definitely talk to your wife and those around you. It might be Christmas, but you are still allowed to be poorly and self care is even more crucial right now...

chris61
17-12-19, 02:21 PM
Thanks again

Yeah have talked to her and she has been pretty supportive tho I still think she that she is more of the 'you just have to get on with it' school. Sounds really awful but my folks being ill is helping in a sense as she knows that that is painful for me and sympathises. Its so hard tho when you feel so incapable of just getting on with it. Seems like every day is filled with so much effort - just to get through it and eat and try and get outdoors at some point. And it looks so weak when I write it down like that but it is the case. I feel totally exhausted, mentally and physically, when I get to bed even if I've done very little.

The lying in bed in the morning is the worse time. Wife wakes up abt half 6 and if I have had some sleep then i'm usually awake from then, trying to get back to sleep but usually just lying thee alone after she has left for work thinking some very dark thoughts.

There's been over a month of that now.

Having said that this morning was not quite so bad and managed to get out of bed abt 9.15 which is good. Got stuff to do today as well which helps.

Thanks again

Paula
17-12-19, 05:16 PM
Is that how she feels or how you think she feels itms?

Suzi
17-12-19, 07:00 PM
If staying in bed means you're just thinking dark thoughts, why not try hard to get up and maybe have a cuppa with her in the morning.... It'd be hard, but it might make a more positive start to the day?

chris61
31-12-19, 07:56 PM
Been a couple of weeks and happy to say that the upping of the dose seems to at last have kicked in and levelled things out a bit. The total darkness has lifted at last. Wish I had come on here first and taken some advice from people who know about the way I was attempting to change the dosage with the pill cutter. Might have been better to just up the dose full stop and not do it gradually.

Sadly on Christmas Eve heard from the hospital where my dad was being treated that he passed away in the middle of the night. It was a really big shock as I had been up to see him the fri/sat before and he seemed v much better and on the mend. Not sure I am dealing with the grief too well, after the initial tears there has been little crying since. Also my mum was released from the same hospital on the same day and isn't too good either. Very frail and having waterworks problems. Was up there taking care of her til 28th and going back up tmrw til Saturday (siblings been helping out to). The first night she was back in her home she had a fall getting out of bed at 3 in the morning and I needed to get up and try and help her up as she couldn't get up on her own. Not sure what might have happened if no one had been there.

Obviously also now worrying abt sinking back into the black. I loved my dad but just don't seem to be able to connect with the sadness and I worry that the suppressing of emotions and not being able to register/manifest them in a 'normal' way is what is behind my bouts of depression

Not sure why i'm writing this but, ridiculous as it might sound, just wondered if anyone had any thoughts?

As always, grateful for the help

Paula
31-12-19, 09:10 PM
That’s really good news that the meds are starting to do their job and well done for sticking with it

I’m so sorry for your loss, hunni, and that you’re having to cope with so much else too (panda)

Suzi
01-01-20, 01:18 AM
I'm so sorry about your Dad love and that you're struggling with your Mum too. Could you get carers to help?

Hunni, it's still early days with your loss and with you feeling a bit brighter hunni, give yourself time.
However I'm glad you found it useful to be here though hunni...

Jaquaia
02-01-20, 07:39 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss (panda)

Angie
02-01-20, 09:32 PM
Sorry for your loss (bear)